This week: Mad Max of, uh, those Mad Max movies vs Han Solo, recurring peripheral character in the Sit Com known as Star Wars
Just in case anyone gets confused, we’ve invited CubReporterK to join in on this round of Smackdowns, and, rather than confuse things with an even number of judges, we’ll have one of us (rotating throughout) sit out. This week, Admin_Rock is off, which, due to his anti-Solo bias, might be a good thing.
I just want to say, I have been paid a steaming shit-ton (that is 1.8 metric shit-tonnes) of money to fix this smackdown, so I’m going to make sure it all comes down to Han and Indy in the final round, even at the expense of entertaining you people! Do you know how much money I am being paid to make the inevitable outcome in favour of Han Solo and Indiana Jones? Like, thirty dollars! Yeah! Thirty! That’s three- Oh! That’s $32 American! Steve already gave me the money! That pays for our domain for, like, a month! It’s easily double our google-ad profit for both years we have been running! Don’t try and talk me out of it, I have already essentially spent the thirty dollars, and this website was exclusively my idea in the first place. That’s right TBinns, it was all my idea! Do you hear me Admin_Rock? It was my wonderful idea, you guys didn’t help at all, and I’m going to run this fucker into the ground and leave with all the glorious profits! Do you know how many slurpees I can buy with $30? It’s like, um, like, 16 or something! Sometimes if you need matches for your barbecue, and you just ask to buy matches, they will give you free matches too, over at the 7-11. Once I have collected 15.8 slurpee cups, and 4 packs of free matches (free!), and 15.8 plastic spoon straws, I will build a motherfucking rocket to the moon! I will be on the moon and I will shit on all of you from my motherfucking mooncastle, you shitty apefuckers!
So, The fight this week (not that there is any point in reading further, dear fans, with all the sex you have with real live humans, you make me sick. Do you know how wrong and gross it is to touch another human being? That is how you transmit the common cold, not to mention diabetes, I think, and I am not going to catch the diabetes from kissing anyone, not even a girl.) is between Han Solo and Mad Max.
As film franchises expand, the quality usually goes WAY up. See my comments at the bottom of this article:
This is the reason that both Beyond Thunderdome and Episode III are inarguably the finest of their particular worlds. I know, Han wasn’t in Episode III, even though Chewie was. What was Chewie doing in those intervening 20 some odd years? I’ll bet he had a crisis of faith in the Force, and that’s why he turned to crime and smuggling. Maybe Han was a ratty teen somewhere, and he was fixing up cars and racing them against Ron Howard, or whatever.
Anywhozle, both Han and Max have had to contend with being in enough films that at least one of their movies has cute kid-friendly characters in it. Beyond Thunderdome has precocious feral 3rd graders, and ROTJ has Ewoks. I was 5 years old when Jedi came out, I saw it in the theatres, and I can assure you that the Ewoks were the greatest thing EVER. They were my height, but they fought the Empire and totally won! What did the kids in Beyond Thunderdome ever do? Okay, they fought Tina Turner and won? That’s some bullshit, because Ike Turner used to fight Tina Turner all the time and win.
So, We have max and Han, and they are in the ring together. Both of these guys are basically good at heart, but I think both would have the presence of mind to run for the weapons in the middle of the arena and make with the shooting.
I’m going to base this decision on one of my classic, scientifically derived techniques. When I was making decisions in the Superhero Smackdowns, I would often consult my Marvel Cards (First edition! They are for sale, if you want them…) and check on height and weight of the individuals involved. The thing that always ruined my fun about Marvel cards was that it quantified the relative powers of all of their heroes. This sucks some of the fun out of being a reader, but in the early 90′s comic books were not mean to be enjoyed, simply placed in aplastic bag and catalogued for future resale (seriously, I have all the holograms with the Marvel cards, I will sell one complete set in the original hand decorated note-tote binder for yet another $30). However, since these characters are not from the same universe, they are not hampered by some retarded statistics that make determining the outcome a pointless exercise. rather the opposite, and that’s why we write these smackdowns.
So, why would I decide the winner of this fight based on height and weight? maybe I won’t, in fact, to hell with that! We all know Mel Gibson is short, but what we also know is that he is crazier than fuck. Crazy people are terrifying in a fight. Does that mean he has the edge?
Brace yourself for my conundrum: If I eliminate Han Solo from the competition right now- Let’s say I do it because Han is a bit more moral than Max, and Max has less to lose- Then you, YOU GOOD PEOPLE, have a problem. Since this is fixed, and everyone actually, secretly, wants to read a Han/Indy final round (Search your feelings, you know it to be true!), if I eliminate Han right now, I will half our readership for the remaining smackdowns. But you know what? I already got my thirty dollars, and I’m not likely to see Steve again for a while, so decision is made!
Max is scary, Han is way cooler in every conceivable way. No little kids ever dressed up as mad max to play Road Warrior after dark, but every kid on my block played Star wars- Unless we were playing Kick the Can… yet, does it matter what little kids think? Isn’t this an emtionless adult assessment of badassery?
Winner: Han Solo
Loser: My brain for having to try and think through that.
SuperLoser: Me when the comments start coming in.
Max, warrior of the wasteland, veteran of at least one post apocalyptic cage match on bungee cords, steps into the arena. Before him, on the platform a sawed off double barrel shotgun and a hand blaster. Max feels very much at home. On the other side, Han Solo, space pirate, scoundrel with a heart of gold. He’s poised, ready to go, wary of his surroundings. This is a man who chased off a whole squad of stormtroopers on his own. He’s not about to back down, he is keeping his distance. But he doesn’t LOOK like he’s keeping his distance. He walks casual.
Solo is not in his element, he’s not flying the Falcon…but Max also does his best work in a moving vehicle. And Solo is FAST! Remember he got THREE shots off at Vader before most people even REGISTERED who was standing on the other side of the brunch buffet. Trouble is it’s not an old west style quickdraw. Good thing for Max, because if it was, it would be over quick.
Buzzer goes… both men sprint for the weapons, but Max is altogether too much of a hard ass for Solo when it comes to hand to hand. He beats him down as he tries to get to the weapons. Solo is lying on the ground when Max points the shotgun at him. Max looks him in the eye…and hesitates. Just like he did in Thunderdome. He is a killer by necessity, not by choice. Which is when Solo points the small blaster he smuggled in at Max and blows him away. Greedo, Max, whoever, it doesn’t matter…if you hesitate/gloat for even a SECOND with Solo he will shut you down.And he’s not dumb enough to go in there without a back up plan.
But just then…George Lucas comes over the loudspeaker…”No, Han Solo is not a Killer…and technically he is my property so…here’s the new improved fight…” so he digitally erases the entire fight and replaces it with one where Han does NOT shoot first, and consequently Max turns his face into Bantha Poodoo with his double barreled shotgun. But to be fair the resolution on the second fight looks awesome. And off in the stands, The wookie howling with grief and outrage in the stands is overdubbed with a long cheesy “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Loser: Cinema purists.
Cub Reporter Keith
Max stands next to his worn-out Interceptor, amazed at the water casually spilled in the stands. That water is worth its weight in petrol. He sees his sawed-off shotgun, usually kept at his hip, waiting in the centre of the combat area. Across the arena is what looks like a gunfighter but much cleaner – black vest, black pants with a red stripe, and a yellowed shirt.
Seriously, I was watching the Star Wars blu-ray and in a lot of scenes Han’s shirt is a yellowed colour. You always see him depicted with a white shirt. I’ve never seen a drawing or action figure of him with a yellowed shirt. That was so weird.
… anyway …
Han Solo meets Max’s eyes. He instinctively reaches for his blaster but his holster is of course empty. He spots it sitting on top of a pedestal between them. Never one to wait for someone else to make the first move, he breaks out in a dead run to retrieve it.
Max is startled by the sudden movement and looks around a bit confused waiting for someone to give him a hint to his first move. Reluctantly he also starts running for his weapon.
Max’s hard leathers give him a distinct disadvantage in a foot race and Han gets to the pedestal first, jumping to climb it. Max is still far away when Han reaches the top and stands up, holding his blaster and giving himself a congratulatory grin.
Max slams his full weight into the pedestal and Han’s eyes go wide as he falls backward and he accidently kicks the shotgun off, right into Max’s waiting hands.
Han lands with a thud as Max moves toward him. Han is stunned and has dust in his eyes, but the extremely loud squeaking of Max’s leathers give away that the apocalyptic anti-hero is nearly upon him.
Max aims the shotgun one-handed at Han’s head as Han scrambles back. Max moves into killing range.
Max get off the first shot but it goes wildly past Han’s head. From only 3 feet away you would think it an easy shot but Han seems capable of dodging bullets. “It would be out of character for me to shoot first,” Han thinks, “but it is perfectly honorable to kill a man who is incapable of hitting me from this extremely close range.”
Han fires and Max falls, smoke billowing out of his blaster wound. “And I thought Max’s leathers smelled bad before he was cooked,” Han quips.
Winner: Han Solo
Follow Keith on Twitter at CubReporterK and listen to his comic book podcast at www.wetalkcomics.podomatic.com
*****UPDATE! DECISION OVERTURNED!******
Errors caused by a certain intern contributed to the incorrect decision being called! Who will go on to the next round? POSSIBLE REMATCH IN 4 WEEKS?
Way to go, Benji, you ass.