A Very Justice Leaguey Christmas!
By RobbieRobTown and TBinns
It was the morning of December 24th, high above the earth on the Justice League satellite. Actually, it might technically have been December 23rd in some places – these things are tricky when you are in orbit. Business was winding down for the holiday season, and despite news that well-trained, radioactive weasels had burrowed into Lucas “Snapper” Carr’s anus and eaten him alive from the inside out, things had been quiet.
Superman was pacing the halls, looking down on the earth far below. He had run out of ideas for a gift for Wonder Woman. He paused for a moment to stare out the window. He super-hearing detected a subtle sound behind him.
“Bruce”, he said, “I still don’t have anything for Diana”.
Stirring from the shadows, Batman emerged. “I know that”.
“How could you possibly know about a gift I haven’t bought?”
“I track your credit cards, and your online purchases. I have a suggestion based on your typical buying patterns.” said Batman, almost unintelligibly.
“I’m all ears.” said Supes, turning his back on Bruce again.
“Why don’t you get some soothing balm for that sandy vagina of yours?”
“I swear to God, Batman, you can go fuck yourself”.
Batman approached Superman, and whispered something into his ear. It was so quiet that no one but the man with the finest hearing in the world could hear what was said.
“Of course! Bruce, you’re a genius”.
“God you’re such a dick! I’m saying thank you!” said Superman, but The Batman was already long gone, having disappeared into the shadows again.
Meanwhile, in the JLA kitchen and staff lounge, Aquaman was chatting with Robin.
“What brings you up to the satellite, Robin?” asked Aquaman.
“Bruce wanted me to drop off some stuff, and I wasn’t busy.”
“But Christmas is a time for family, Dick!” said Aquaman, with a look of genuine concern on his face.
Dick Grayson gave Aquaman a long, hard look.
“Oh, Dick, I, I didn’t mean…”
“Your Secret Santa said this was for you.” said Robin, giving him the finger.
Across the room, Hal Jordan was using a huge green egg- beater to do some Christmas baking. “Hey, J’onn, how do you celebrate Christmas on Mars?” he asked.
The Martian Manhunter set down a heavy bag of flour on the counter for Hal. “Well, one time the Martians kidnapped Santa Claus, and forced him to teach Martian children about Christmas. There is a documentary about it. Probably on the History Channel right now…”
Hal looked up to the TV. “Nope. Pawnstars marathon”.
J’onn shook his head “Typical”.
Hal Jordan looked puzzled for a moment. “Hey, what the hell happened to my 40 cakes?”
Wonder Woman stood gazing out the window at the at the world below.
“You don’t know what to get Clark” said Batman, appearing somehow under the window sill she was in front of, and talking directly into her crotch.
“UGH! STOP DOING THAT!” said Diana. “I mean, yes, but, GOD!”
“I know what he needs.” said Batman, who was suddenly sitting atop the large bank of computers on the back wall.
“What is the matter with you Bruce? Has anyone ever diagnosed you with Aspergers Syndrome or something? Do you have any social skills, AT ALL?” said Diana, drawing the kickass new sword she got in the reboot.
“I will tell you what to get for Clark.” he said, being suddenly across the room again and talking directly to her crotch.
“By Zeus’ beard! I can feel your breath on my thigh you sociopathic freakshow! What? What should I get for Clark?” she shouted, realizing that Superman could probably hear her now.
Batman floated by outside the window. He was holding a lead tablet with a message written in real lead pencil- the perfect gift for Clark.
“That’s brilliant.” She said.
“I’m the Goddamn Batman” he said over the com system.
“You’re breaking up!” said Wonder Woman switching off the com, and going to try and shower off the whole conversation.
Meanwhile, on earth, Lex Luthor was googling the sypmtoms of diabetic shock on webMD. “Uggggh, I can’t believe I stole, and then ate 40 cakes.”
“That’s as many as four tens!” said one of the Luthorcorp staffers.
“And that’s terrible.” said Lex, shitting violently into the Prometheus Suit. “Oh God, that’s never gonna come out of there, is it?”
The staffer simply shook her head “no”.
Robin looked around the staff lounge. He craned his neck to see who else was there. “Hey, Oliver, where’s Zatanna?”
Oliver put down his hot glue gun as he put the finishing touches on a festive mistletoe arrow, which may or may not have been a joke of some kind. “She’s on a corporate gig- Christmas party season. She makes three quarters of her income in two months.”
Robin let out a low whistle. His gaze had just returned to the vastness of space when Batman floated by outside.
“Oh Holy Knight, Batman!” cried Robin, seasonally. “What are you doing out there?”
“I just bought the moon, chum” replied Batman.
Green Lantern and The Flash were on the roof.
“ What do you want for Christmas, Barry?” asked Hal as he hurled a glowing green tennis ball far out into space.
“Oh, you know,” said the Flash, returning with the ball in his mouth “Whatever. Maybe some vacation time. Might see if I can move fast enough to make the girls at the office Christmas party all get drunk at a super accelerated speed.”
“Is that how you got laid last year?” Said Hal, throwing the tennis ball again.
“Last year?” replied Barry, “Guy, try EVERY TIME.”
“It’s a Christmas Miracle.”
“You fucking know it.” said the Flash. “ “Fastest Man Alive” is no kind of a nickname for sober chicks to know about.”
Hal formed a giant green fist to pound it. “Word.”
Beside a roaring fire on the upper deck JLA satellite, Superman and Wonder Woman stood face to face.
“I have to admit,” said Superman sheepishly, “I had some help with this idea.”
“You big boy scout, you keep that kind of thing to yourself.” said Diana. She was wearing a coy smile- and little else, as the fire was quite warm.
“Well, here you go.” said Clark, handing Diana his package- a paper wrapped package.
Wonder Woman carefully opened it. It was a thick leather bound book filled with illustrations, writings in strange languages, and pages taped together. Notes were scribbled in the margins in Bruce’s handwriting. There was a very complex flow chart that was spilling out of the back.
“What is this?” asked Diana.
“Bruce says it’s continuity. He did something, and I’m not with Lois anymore. I’m a single man. Earth 1 and 2 were involved, and some guy I’ve never heard of named Reed Richards, who I guess “slipped in the shower” and died?”
“Then you’ll love this.” Diana removed a lead box from behind her back marked “Wayne Enterprises”
Superman looked inside. “The- what?”
“24 condoms made of pure speed force, and some kind of proprietary lubricant.” announced Diana, proudly. “get out you flag, champ, because your about to get red, white and blown.”
“Blew?” asked Clark stupidly.
“By Zeus’ sack, let’s fuck.” she clarified.
Down on earth, about every 20 minutes or so, a glorious white snow descended from high up in a cloudless sky.
“Catch a snowflake in your mouth!” said one fellow.
“I feel super pregnant.” said 437,011 women.
Merry Christmas from the Justice League!