Fanboys is exactly the movie I would write…if I was completely ignorant about plot structure, plausibility, character, dialogue, and humour. But I would totally do a ton of Star Wars and Rush jokes.
Where do I start?
How about the guy who is dying of cancer that doesn’t look or act even remotely ill? I don’t think he should be staggering around like a holocaust victim or anything, but from what I’m lead to understand nothing kicks your ass like a round of chemo. Also, from what I’m told cancer flat out hurts like a bitch. Yes the human spirit can triumph over these things, and we often hear about good souls fighting the good fight and living their lives as close as they can to normal. But those people are usually wearing a cap to hide hair loss…have dark circles under the eyes SOMETHING!!! This guy was tear-assing around the country, getting into fist fights, running away from guards, you name it. He passes out once… (Out of a moving vehicle no less) but then pointless cameo number 245 lets him go with a prescription and a smooch. Perhaps, in the early stages, all that running around would be possible, but with less than a year to go? I’m no cancer expert but when my Dad had it, he had to be helped to the bathroom in the last six months, fleeing from a mob of angry Trekkies was not in the cards.
I suppose casting Kirsten Bell as a Fanboy dream girl is a no brainer. But lets be honest, the character is tacked on and poorly written. Far be it from me to complain when they find a cheap excuse to put her in the metal bikini, but she is a one dimensional nerd fantasy. Now, speaking as a nerd who got a hottie, I won’t call it too much a stretch that she digs the Jay Burachel character. I just would have like to have seen more of an indication of that dropped throughout the movie. It seemed an abrupt shift when suddenly she’s all pissy with him for talking to another girl. Plus, written as she is as the ultimate Geekette, it seems implausible to me that Jay’s character wouldn’t be crazy about her from the start.
Let’s talk Deus Ex Mechina, shall we? Yeah, the big one at the end of Avatar was and eye roller to be sure, but I counted no less than 4 in this movie. , The Chief, Harry Knowles, Kirsten Bell and finally, the phantom presence of Lucas himself. They blow a tire, go into a biker bar, which turns out to be a Gay biker bar in which the patrons force our heroes to perform a striptease, on a stage that already has lights and a couple of poles.
I’m already on the I-90 well on the way to Whatthefuckville at this point.
After painting themselves into that little corner, the writers decide that the dude who played Machete is going to step in and say “Shows over” rescue the gang, get them high on Peyote and fix their van free of charge, even though there is no sign of a garage or a spare tire ANYWHERE!!!
Then after they get arrested for a high speed chase and a package full of Peyote, with seemingly no hope, once again they are saved by piss poor writing. (And Kristen Bell) Why the hell did this woman drop everything to fly across the country and bail these guys out? Has she ever heard of wiring money? Phoning around? Contacting a Bail bondsman? And don’t you think, that seeing as how they destroyed public property, went on a high speed chase AND were caught with the Peyote they wouldn’t get off so light? Not to mention the fact that a condition of your bail is often NOT LEAVING THE STATE which they IMMEDIATELY DO?
Come to the end of a plot hole? No way into the Ranch? Kung Fu Harry Knowles to the Rescue. First of all, have you people seen Harry Knowles? He can’t walk, much less beat anyone up. But you know what? Now that I think about it, that’s probably the joke. Harry Knowles as a bad ass. Ha ha. Fine , whatever. But if Harry Knowles had all this info and contacts don’t you think Harry Knowles…of all people, would , you know…SEE THE MOVIE?
And then after committing YET ANOTHER CRIME while out on bail, and being captured by THX 1138 security guards, The Great Hand of Lucas lets them off again…after yet another quiz, much like Harry Knowles before them.
It’s a fantasy…I get it, it’s just a goofy little geek comedy. However, REFERENCES ARE NOT ENOUGH!!! I got all the”jokes”; I know who the cameos were, I even knew the answers to all of the questions in the quiz scenes that inexplicably kept popping up. But that isn’t enough to keep me entertained. Nobody likes a good Rush joke more than me, lord knows I have born the brunt of them over the years, but these weren’t good. It’s like they expected the fact that Rush was mentioned a couple of times would be enough to get me excited. Well, it was enough to get me to watch it, but not enough to get me to enjoy it.
Oh, and in Return of the Jedi? Han Solo totally IS a bitch.