7 things we hate about Weddings:
Lest we start to sound unromantic, let us first say that we here at The Correctness have no objection to the notion of making a lifelong vow to your partner who you deeply love. No, we think marriages are a lovely idea, and fully 2/3 of The Correctness are happily wed, and a mere 1/3 of us are hopeless bachelors who screw up every relationship we touch like some kind of reverse King Midas (See the Hollies 1968 “hit” entitled “King Midas in Reverse” if you would like to see this metaphor extended into meaninglessness).
No, sadly, though weddings sometimes make us cry- in a totally manly way, like when we get fully wailed in the gnards- and we have attended a few fun ceremonies, we have some basic concerns about the execution of your dream day.
So snap away with your table’s own disposable camera from which nary one good photo will be developed. With love in our hearts, and hope for the future, here are seven things that are awful about weddings.
1. Wedding Speeches- In General.
Who gave your drunk uncle permission to ramble unceasingly about your childhood? Everyone else got asked to keep it short. You know what? That time you hit your head on the swingset, and you went specifically to your uncle’s house to get an A-Team band-aid? That would have been a story worth hearing if we could have seen you clock yourself on video, or live, right now, but even the loose reference to the A-team is not enough to help us enjoy the 12 minute tangent about how hard it was to grow up in small-town such and such, and how glad he is that somebody built an ice-rink. We’ve MC’d our fair share of weddings, and as entertainers, we are all awkwardly standing near the head table praying for you to drunkenly shit yourself so you’ll wind it down.
2. Specifically wedding speeches that start “wow.” said like nothing exciting happened at all.
Dig us, peeps, dig us: You should say “wow” with an exclamation point after it like: “Wow, I won the lottery!” or “Wow, there’s a fucking pterodactyl in my house!”.The phrase “wow!” is fundamentally exclamatory. Never, ever, EVER, say “wow” like somebody’s whole litter of puppies just died. “Wow, what a magical day…despite our inevitable death at the hands of cruel time.” Here’s what we assume happened:
You wrote your flowery speech to sound exciting, but then you wanted to draw on all of your years of fine arts training because you know serious stuff is categorically more important and relevant than amusing stuff- especially at a wedding, which is a fun celebration of love that should be brought down a notch to a dour reminder of mortality . This certainty you learned before you dropped out of your liberal arts program and started working part time at a “paint your own pottery” store, Janet. “Wow” is simply not a word loaded with gravitas. Want to bring the serious? Try starting your speech with “Abortion…”. Better yet, why not try “Websters dictionary defines abortion as..” and really rock the house.
3. Stagette parties
Ladies, let us clear up a little mystery for you. This is what happens at a stag party: The boys go out, everyone gets drunk, they see some strippers that your fiancée is WAY too drunk to fuck, everyone stumbles to the nearest couch. That’s it, with the exception of the lighting of various things on fire, but this is not a behavior reserved for stags, just drunken maleness. We say this, Ladies, because again, as entertainers, we here at The Correctness have dealt with more than our fair share of stagettes, and they are THE WORST thing to see coming in the door of our performance venue.
First, we know it’s Tina’s special day, but for the love of God and all that is holy, don’t drunkenly come up to us at intermission and ask us to tailor our set specifically to Tina. You know what? Other people are here, and not hammered, and they don’t give the slightest shit about Tina- Now, that’s going to blow your mind for a minute, because you’re drunk, and Tina’s been your best friend since elementary school (until a month ago when she snubbed you for bridesmaid because she “really needed your planning skills” on this bachelorette party) . It might be Tina’s special day, but everyone else in the world doesn’t care. And don’t bother telling us how to identify Tina. We can spot her from here. Tina is the one in the dildo hat with streamers coming out of the tip of the dick- We clarify that because you are ALL wearing dildo hats, and you all have t-shirts that have “part time whore” or “porn queen” written in black marker. We get it. You know what negotiation technique won’t work? Putting your drunk breath right in our faces, grabbing our hypothetical crotches and telling us :”It’s Tinash speshul day”. Why do you look all offended when we back away? Did you think you could manage a coy seduction after 7 crantinis? Nobody at the show cares that Tina is getting married, and nobody here cares that you didn’t get to be in the wedding party. Suck it up. P.S. Don’t touch The Correctness’s junk, please.
4. Presumptuous slide shows.
Okay, we were all young once. It’s amusing to see pictures of you dressed up as a ghostbuster at Halloween in 1986. It’s charming to see the sepia tones of the faded, scanned photographs of Christmases past. Heck, it’s even kind of fun to scan the windows desktop of the slideshow laptop for .wmv files that sound like porn you recognize while they are booting up powerpoint.
We get touchy about the slideshows that display you in a tutu at your first recital, and have hilarious captions about how you are going to be a dancer- nay, a prima ballerina! There is an overwhelming emphasis placed on your sporting and artistic prowess, and you know what? It’s just depressing. It’s depressing because neither you nor your spouse turned out to be athletes, nor are you artists, and the full bulk of the evidence of your creative failure is being projected on a screen 20 feet high. You are not a dancer, you are not a football star, you are not a musician, you are an accountant, you are a florist, you are a stock boy. We’re failed comedians, and you can join us down here our spooky misery. What possible reason could your friends and family have for setting their expectations of you so high? We think it’s because they hate you, and this ceremony legally binds you to someone else.
5. The “right” wedding gift
We’ve known you for ten years. We introduced you to your spouse! Now it’s time to buy you a wedding gift. Right off the bat, you are already spending assloads of money on a wedding, and you can obviously afford it, because you have everything else. We know you have everything else, because we still haven’t returned your air compressor we borrowed when we redid our baseboards in the living room. Now, to start your new hypothetical life together- because you’ve been living together for three years, you sinful heathens- you are requesting gifts from the local homesupplyregisrty.com or Ikea, or whatever.
We care about you very much, but we find it difficult to express our admiration for you and your relationship with most utensils or appliances. Which says “I love you guys a lot” more: A gravy boat, a coffee grinder, or the crystal salad bowl? And furthermore, when are you ever going to use a 12 serving crystal salad bowl? You haven’t invited us for dinner since we set you up. You know what? Fuck it. We’re just getting you the gravy boat. That’s $75 dollars, and that’s enough. Christ.
6. Your hilarious MC determines the buffet order
It’s 8:30 at night. The wedding party was an hour and a half late from photos (haha, they’re all jumping in the air! haha, you guys are the wackiest! haha NO! FAIL!). All we want, ALL WE WANT, is a single, grim slice of roast beef, and some soapy green beans from the steamer tray. Then we will be able to socialize at your insidious dance, which we would have been looking forward to, if not for the hour and a half delay for an already late, already cold, already shitty dinner.
BUT THEN, your MC has downloaded a list of wacky “who goes first at the buffet” games from awesomewedding.com, or insufferablewarcrime.com, or webstersdictionarydefinesabortion.com, and he (sometimes she, but typically, he) wants everyone to answer trivia about who gets to eat first- or recite a poem, or dance! Just one look at the crestfallen table of out-of-towners and you know they’re waiting until dead last. Nobody at that table knows anybody else well enough to give them the confidence to sing Tina’s favourite Abba song. And you know what? This meal cost us a $75 gravy boat already, and it’s already going to suck. Haha you guys! First table with an amusing story about the couple gets to go up next? I refer you you to A: wedding speeches, and B: the inaudibility of Aunt Margaret without a microphone. And oh, oh, woe is us, you got Aunt Margaret started, and she realizes the story about the time she caught you two doing it in her pick up truck is totally inappropriate, but you can see her trying to make the story go PG as she gets closer and closer to the uncomfortable ending- Oh yes, it would have been amusing, but she can’t say “cumstains” with all these kids around can she? Watch as the recently betrothed blood drains from your faces as Aunt Margaret changes it to ‘kissing” from “hardcore fucking”, and all the amusement floods out of the tale. The MC gets everyone to give her now purposeless story a round of applause, and we all look around wondering why she thought that was an amusing enough story about you two to warrant meal permission. Haha, you guys, name that tune and you go next! Like you can hear me shout the correct answer in this vacuous rented community hall? Here’s the answer, it’s “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” by grammy award winner SUCK MY DICK !
7. Your soundtrack
Etta James “At Last”. WE ARE DONE WITH IT. Do people want to dance to this song because every other wedded couple plays it as their “first dance”, so nobody else is able to dance to it? I want my chance to dance! Etta James! Etta James! Etta James! It’s become as trite as “Here Comes the Bride”. Why not pick a song form that Dave Matthews concert that couples inevitably attend together? Or, throw us a bone because we waited 2 hours for our turn at the buffet- How about NWA’s “Straight Outta Compton”?
The Correctness thinks weddings are great. We just think there are a few simple things you could avoid, and make everyone happy. In fact, in any relationship worth celebrating, your friends will totally get it if you elope to Vegas, and tell everyone about it when you get back. It’s cheaper, easier, and we appreciate it.