Dearest Readers, both Ladies and Gents:
First of all, sorry we’ve been away for a while. TBinns is writing for TVision, and Ad_Rock is directing theatre. I’ve been lazy. However:
A lot of you be constantly up in my grill, bein’ all : “Excuse me, RobbieRobTown, you are a noted seducer/ lothario/ rockstar/ gymnast. Can you please share some of your sexy sexual sex tips for sexing sex?”
Well, I’m glad a lot of you asked that so often, and I’m ready, at long, hard last, to share some of the secrets from my boudoir of bonism. Here are my top 50 tips for keeping your love life as spicy as a salami of the spicy variety, and probably higher in phosphates!
1. Holding Hands: KAPOW! Right into it! Starting with the juicy stuff! Holding hands is keen, and you don’t even have to drive a car all the way up to make-out-pointe in order to to try it out! Just butter-up your would-be handspal with a steamy entrée like “Hey, wanna hold hands?” and you’re on your way to playful paws petting! I was led to believe this is also the same thing as a hand job by Karen McAllister when I was in grade 9.
2. (For the Fellas) Dicklasers. Oh my god, if you’ve never traveled to the future and come back with a dicklaser that you shoot out of your dick, you are really missing out. Better power up the DeLorean, because once your lover catches a whiff of the acrid smoke rising from the melted remains of the neighbourhood post office box, she’s gonna wonder who had the crotchular amplitude to send a hot focused beam of love rays at an innocent mail receptacle! I imagine her receptacles will also have the acrid smoke of arousal rising from them! All five of her gynocium are likely to be frothing with ectoplasm, or what have you, as long as you promise to keep on directing your focused-beams of dick-energy into any easily destabilized structure!
3. Cook her/him a Meal : Hey, in order to make anyone find you attractive, you are either going to need to appeal to his or her mind, or have your CIA goons reprogram him/her in an underground facility. Either way, cooking him/her/it a meal is a nice way to show her/them/this that there’s more going on with you than just your claspable hands, weaponized tackle box(gentlemen only), and huge military budget. Even if you mess up the meal, you can pass it off as a charming mistake, the way that the amusing drones do on the situational humour programmes, or Sit-Hummes (Please don’t mistake a Sit-Humme with Sir Anton Hume, who was the first to discover the human female gynoecium, and the male pseudopodia). Take a stab at concocting a Thai dish, or possibly Italian. Both cuisines offer simple starting points and common ingredients. Once the meal is ready, simply serve, and enjoy the conversation. Please note: I do not advocate using mind-altering chemicals on your date. That is not largely considered to be a “classy move”, and you already have the CIA on standby to reprogram her/him/thyself with aquariums full of LSD and sodium amytal if needed.
4. (For the Ladies) Augment your Breasts- With Motherfucking Lasers! : You know ladies, the only thing men love more than a rigid lintel of overinflated saltwater beneath your neck is a engineered-grade cantilever of vaguely fleshy boob shelves with LASERS. Remember how wowed you were by his impressive display of dicklasers? Well now you can use your mammoth golf-domes to liquidize entire train bridges, and still have a storage place for your nipples! SHBLOWIE! BZAPP! WRITE MY NAME ON THE GODDAMN LUNAR SURFACE WITH THOSE UNITS!
5. I… Uh, those are all the sex tips I have actually. I’m a virgin. But those are the basics.
Let’s switch gears! 50 things people say on online dating profiles that make me want to hurt puppies!
1. I love life!
You are trying to say you are happy and full of energy. What I am hearing is either; A) you were suicidal and are heavily medicated, or B) you were suicidal and found Jesus. More even tempered folks want to say “I love life inasmuch as I do not pray for death.” , but they know how morbid that sounds, so they decide not to say anything. In fact, I would date you right away if you said “I like life, sometimes it sucks, but I have been on a few nice vacations so it kind of evens out.”. You just won a date from honesty.
2. I am outgoing and fun!
You are a drunk.
3. I love socializing!
4. My friends are the most important people in my life!
5. I have a passion for life! I take each day as it comes.
I hear: “I have seen ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ over fifty times, and I absolutely do not take each day as it comes. In fact, I am totally controlling, but the fantasy of being all Zen and shit really turns my crank”. Anyone with a real Taoist sort of outlook would actually not say “I take each day as it comes”, because Taoist masters know that such a phrase is “retarded”.
6. I am adventurous!
I had the fish sandwich at McDonalds once. It was pretty fucking wild, let me tell you. Unless I see you mid-base-jump wearing scuba equipment, don’t convince me that you are adventurous because you went to the presbyterian church one time instead of the methodist.
7. I love the outdoors!
Do you love the IDEA of the outdoors, or the outdoors? Be honest, the real outdoors has mosquitos… Where is your mountaintop profile pic?
8. Music is really important to me.
OH MY GOD. This will become a second separate article to follow on Monday, gang.