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Facelift

It’s been a very long time since anyone posted to […]

Super Heroine Smackdown Semi Final 2: Storm vs Kitty Pryde

Super Heroine Smackdown Banner

 

This week: An All X-Men battle as Kitty Pryde takes on Storm

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Let’s get it on like a freshly loaded bong.

Super Heroine Smackdown- Week 2: Wonder Woman vs. Jean Grey

This week, Wonder Woman takes on Jean Grey. (Note: We’re using the most current, non-Phoenix version.)

 

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Super Heroine Smackdown Rules

Super Heroine Smackdown Banner
 
In the past few years, The Correctness has brought you the Superhero Smackdown, which was quite popular and contentious to some.Next was the Villains turn, and a bonus Team Smackdown. Then the Action Smackdown. All of these were presented with tasty sidecards brought to you by RobbieRobTown.

So this year, it’s the ladies’ turn, pitting 16 of your favorite comic book gals against each other for the prize: bragging rights.

Super Heroine Smackdown Brackets!

Here it is, you primitive screwheads! It’s the smackdown you (both of you) have been waiting for! Based on no criteria other than hunches and snap decisions, the smackdown will go like this:

1. Ramona “Rammy” Flowers vs Carrie “Robin” Kelly

2. Rogue vs Storm

3. Phoenix vs Wonder Woman

4. Kitty “Can’t Touch This” Pryde vs. Bat Girl

See More…

A Bold New Look for a Brave New World

The time has come. We here at The Correctness have made the bold choice of refreshing the site. Why, you ask? Because it is supposed to distract from the lack of content we’ve been producing lately. Don’t worry, your Christmas gift this year is we are readying the SuperLady Smackdown, but first, an explanation about our absence:

Fuck it…I’m Calling it!

After months of non posting and neglect I have been forced to come to a very difficult decision…

…….

Hey want to see Tbinns do some stand up?

Hey want to see Tbinns do some stand up?

Orphan Black Explained

Dear Correctness Readers,

Orphan Black is a new science fiction series starring Canadian actors, made by BBC America, and registered in Liberia as “The Princess of the Seas”. A lot of people (we imagine would) have been asking us to explain the plot arc of the first season (if we were still a popular alt-comedy nerd website), so we thought we’d do a public service (to our ourselves), and really break down this hot new show (way into the first season so nobody will pay much attention)!

The Correctness Guide to Practical English Language Usage: Chapter 17: Metaphoric and Especially Simile Construction in the Age of Terror

Dearest Correctness Reader (Marc):

We here at The Correctness have noticed a disconcerting trend in metaphor and simile construction in recent years. We aim here to set the record straight- and you’ll note we just used both a targeting metaphor as well as a police record / trial metaphor (as well as some kind of embedded meta-metaphor about straightness and correctness being associated, but we digress). We do this not because you care, but because we are bored and single again, and we have just had an important birthday and have accomplished virtually nothing of any relevance or lasting significance with our lives (We, of course, are using the “royal we” here, because we are referring to TBinns and Admin_Rock.).

You’re Getting Too Old for this S*#!

Not sure if it’s just co-incidental timing, or studios wanting to burn these films off in the slow season, but we’ve been hit with the 1-2-3 punch of action films starring some the greatest names in Action cinema.

In 1988, if you told me I’d get a Stallone, a Schwarzenegger, and a Bruce Willis film within months of one another, two things would be true: It would be summer, and I would be really happy. But 1988 was a LONG time ago. Now it’s 2013, and this triple threat is well… sad.

The Correctness Casting Couch:Powergirl

Perhaps known more for her cosplay potential than what she does as a character, Power Girl is nevertheless one of our most requested heroines here on the old Correctness Casting Couch, so let’s stop wasting time and get right to it shall we?

Smackdown – Expo 2013

Hey folks, just got word that The Correctness has a pan […]

Piecast Episode 1: Do Not Roast Weenies on the Lord Thy God

Well kids, myself and my good pal Trevor Campbell have taken a kick at the old podcasting can.

5 Reasons Why I Won’t Write for Cracked

Okay, so I’ve been busy.

Like, “let some guy write 12 articles about the Chipmunks Christmas album and just let that shit slide,” busy. And by busy of course I mean lazy. Horribly horribly lazy. So I confess I have been spending more and more time on Cracked lately. (Cracked…with an “ed” on the end, let’s make that perfectly clear.)

12 Days of Chipmunks: “O Christmas Tree (O Tannenbaum)”

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DECEMBER TWENTY-FOURTH: HOPE
We’ve reached the final chapter of Ross Bagdasarian Sr.’s magnum opus. Christmas with the Chipmunks is coming to a close, and so is my review. As well as my ability to write any reviews at all. Apparently, someone didn’t get the “remember to use the back entrance” memo.

12 Days of Chipmunks: “Jingle Bell Rock”

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DECEMBER TWENTY-THIRD: AFTERMATH
“Jingle Bell Rock” is a tricky song. It makes perfect sense to have a “hip”, “current” Christmas song that “wasn’t written a hundred years ago” included on the album, but does it work thematically? After all, Christmas with the Chipmunks was written to bring about world peace, to show humanity a new way of life, one of giving up the old ways that have so poisoned our society. And how else to wipe clean thousands-of-years-old traditions, and their anthems, than by turning them into novelty music, the lowest form of art?

12 Days of Chipmunks: A Correction

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I apologize for yesterday’s bizarre article. It would appear my new contact here at The Correctness doesn’t know the difference between a fairy tale and a song review. So if you’re reading this, Mr. Sullenger, know that you’re fired. It’s bad enough that you had to call the Waltons while I was staying at their house—while they were on vacation! They’d never notice I was there!—and get me thrown in jail, but if you’re not even going to post the right article, I don’t know why I even pay you. Don’t come back to the abandoned Lloyd’s Skating Rink. I rather like having my new office there, and I don’t want your incompetence ruining that too.

12 Days of Chipmunks: “Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer”

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DECEMBER NINETEENTH: DOWNFALL
There once was a man who lived in a tiny cabin on the outskirts of a small mountain town. The man desperately wanted children, but as a florist, he had long ago taken a vow of celibacy. Not wanting to break his vows, yet still wanting a child of his own, the man grabbed his lantern and ventured off into the woods to ask the trees for advice.

12 Days of Chipmunks: “The Twelve Days of Christmas”

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DECEMBER SEVENTEENTH: RECURSION
“The Twelve Days of Christmas” is a curious song, in that it functions not only as a synopsis of Christmas with the Chipmunks—each “day” representing the corresponding track—but as the denouement to the “Seville-ization” saga that began with “Silver Bells”. And since it is only the ninth track, it also gives us a glimpse into what comes next on the album.

12 Days of Chipmunks: “Frosty the Snowman”

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DECEMBER SIXTEENTH: HOMUNCULUS
An obvious metaphor for Dave trying to play god and give sentience to that which should stay inanimate.

12 Days of Chipmunks: “Over the River and Through the Woods”/”All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)”

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DECEMBER FOURTEENTH: DESTRUCTION
When last we saw the Chipmunks, they had been brainwashed into behaving like normal, human children by their adoptive father, Dave Seville. The indoctrination continues in “Over the River and Through the Woods”, wherein Dave introduces the concept of grandparents to a species whose lifespan rarely exceeds 3 years.

12 Days of Chipmunks: “Silver Bells”

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DECEMBER TWELFTH: CIVILIZATION
Up until this point, every track on “Christmas with the Chipmunks” has contained a story of its own, with a beginning, middle and end. Up until this point, Ross Bagdasarian Sr. has been holding your hand and walking you through the scary parts. Up until this point, the album makes sense. But not any more.

12 Days of Chipmunks: “O Christmastime (Greensleeves)”

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DECEMBER NINTH: SPITE
Anyone familiar with “Christmas with the Chipmunks” can tell you that “Christmas Time (Greensleeves)” is, without a doubt, the worst track on the album. It’s agonizingly slow, the harmonies are stale and familiar, and none of the Chipmunks sound like they even enjoy singing it. Most people assume that at this point, Bagdasarian simply began running out of ideas. And who could blame them?

12 Days of Chipmunks: “Jingle Bells”

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DECEMBER EIGHTH: PERFECTION
I apologize sincerely for not providing a link to “The Chipmunk Song” yesterday. Apparently the public library though it would be a fine idea to block the Youtube website from its patrons. I find it strange that a library would ban information from the public, especially considering their policy against book-burning, but I digress. I have found a new location from which to post my articles, and I know for a fact the owners won’t be home from vacation for at least another two weeks.

12 Days of Chipmunks: “The Chipmunk Song”

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DECEMBER FIFTH: ENSLAVEMENT
Finally, a day where the heading matches the actual date on which the article is posted! Perhaps, when I stop my foolish habit of relying on others, this will become a more likely occurrence. But really, what kind of self-respecting public library closes at 8:00 p.m. on a Monday? Had I known I was going to have to break in to write this article, I would have brought my glass cutter. But of course, I didn’t, so I had to throw a garbage can through the window.

12 Days of Chipmunks: “Here Comes Santa Claus”

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DECEMBER THIRD: DEATH

If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. And I have learned that the same applies if you want your “Twelve Days of Chipmunks” series to start on the first of December.

I had a perfect plan. One day for introductions, twelve days for the songs, and most importantly, it would end on December 13th. But I suppose “taking care of children” and “having a job” got in the way of Admin_Rock’s duty to post my article. Fine. At least now, I can post my masterpiece under my own name.

The Twelve Days of Christmas – Intern Ellis style

(Intern Ellis upstages all by actually filing an article. Admin_Rock posts it a day late).

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DECEMBER FIRST: INTRODUCTION
Ah, December. That wonderful time of year when we set down our quarrels, pick up a mug of hot cocoa, sit by the Shaw fire log and turn on our favourite Christmas album, Christmas with the Chipmunks. And if that’s not your favourite Christmas album, turn off your computer.

Serenity Now!

RRT Reviews “50 Shades of Grey”

Ed’s Note:  We turned RobbieRobTown loose on a review of 50 Shades of Grey for a few laughs. The project changed him.

 

50 Shades of Rage: A Book Review

 

I want to be clear about this: 50 Shades of Grey was so awful, it somehow rendered me sterile. It gave my eyes a hernia. I can no longer do math after reading it. I smell burning toast when I look at it. My inner goddess sharted real razor blades.

The Figrin D’an Reunion show : A review

Okay, so the Who(or what’s left of them) are touring “Quadrophenia.”. And yes, Paul McCartney is touring again. And yes, Led Zep is releasing a Blu Ray of the 02 concert. But fuck all of that. I went to THE concert event of the year last night. Not since they broke up over merchandising rights in 1978 have Figrin D’an and The Modal Nodes been together on the same stage.

Is this thing on?

Admin_rock looks cautiously around the room. Seems okay […]

Moving Time

Hey Dudes and Dudettes. We’re moving the site to […]

Your Stupid Face: A multi-purpose list of complaints

Dearest Readers:

You know, if you’re just generally angry at everything like I am, especially at Fox “news”, then you are often at a loss, in the moment, to specify what is bothering you about someone or their infuriating statements. How many times have you been enraged but incapable of explaining, at the time, what has enraged you? It happens to me constantly. Once I’ve had a few days to determine what conceptually profane or illogical propaganda disgusts me, I’m too far out of the offending conversation (or news item) to fix things. Climate change doesn’t exist! There is no such thing as poverty! The Bible says you can’t have asian friends! What? None of that makes sense, but I think I’ve heard all of that. Thus, I present to you, a list of multi-purpose complaints that can be printed and kept in your pocket for just such an occasion. You will not have to recall a single detail of the troublesome stupidity you encountered, simply read this statement, and claim your right to be logical later.

A Guide to some Lesser Known Transformers

You thought you knew all the Transformers didn’t you? Well, you also thought you’d touch a real boob someday and it turns out you were wrong about that too. There are millions and millions of Transformers out there, just waiting to blow things up around Shia LeBouf and a random girl with a sweaty midriff. Sure, the Michael Bay movies have all the important Transformers, Like Bumblebee, and Megatron, That green one, Amos N Andy, and of course *Optimus No. But not every Transformer makes the cut, and it’s our duty at the Correctness to enlighten you.

I Already Hate The Dark Knight Trilogy, And So Do You

I SUPPOSE there are some SPOILERS in here. You were warned.

Dearest Readers:

The Injured Hand of Fate

(Admin Rock: We at The Correctness would like to welcome Intern Ellis to the team. Already, he’s become a prolific writer for the team, he’s only one post behind Tbinns for the year. Also, Intern Ellis is not a total douche, like Intern Benji.)

We are fast approaching October 21, 2015. If this date rings a bell for you, congratulations! You’ve seen Back to the Future: Part II! And since you remember that specific date, you’ve probably seen it more than once! Alternately, October 21, 2015 is your future child’s birthday and you really need to stop planning ahead. Anyway, by this point you’re probably asking yourself a question we’ve all pondered at some time or another:
“WHERE ARE THE FLYING CARS!!?”

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Comic-Con Update: Friday

ADMIN_ROCK: Well, finally dragged myself to the laptop, and I’m here to provide an update for Friday. Let’s see…. waited in line, walked a few feet, waited in line some more. Apart from that, I scored a couple of pretty sweet Lego minifigs (Phoenix and Captain Marvel), met JMS and had him sign the best panel he’s ever written (the “reveal” moment with Ezekiel), and moments later had a really short conversation with Jim Lee about my Lego Mosaic. Verdict: “Yeah, great, that’s really nice”. (“Keep moving, fanboy”). CubReporterK and I went to a panel on Justice League and what lies ahead, and Thursday I also went to a “Court Of Owls” panel which had some cool stuff on the future of Batman. Also visited the Revolution area, NBC is really pushing this show! Then back to the Lego booth for a while, where Gene Simmons waltzed through.


Comic-Con 2012 – Thursday

CubReporterK and I have journeyed down to Comic-Con. Ou […]

Quiet Morning

That is all.

In Defense of Prometheus

A Case for Prometheus (With some spoilers)

Okay, it’s about time I took my turn trying to defend something in our nerdy universe that I think you, dear readers, may have misjudged. I think you misjudged Ridley Scott’s Prometheus.

“RobbieRobTown,” you will say, “firstly, where have you been, and secondly, what happened to your brain to make you so retarded?”.

Changes Abound

Hey folks, just a quick Friday morning note to remind y […]

Admin Rock roundup

Hey folks, things have been a bit sparse post-wise lately, with many things going on in our various worlds. Since it’s Monday, and I’m on a Father’s Day food hangover, I’d go easy today, and do a nice relaxed general pop culture check in. So let’s dive right in. Don’t be confused, the stuff discussed here isn’t all new and upcoming, it’s just the stuff I’m “consuming” right now.

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Open Letter to a Customer and a Clerk at Best Buy, and to The Deutsche Grammophon Company

Dear Customer:

I am writing to apologize.  While you too were spending your Friday night at the Best Buy perusing BluRay discs, you at least were in the company of two openly nerdy friends, whereas I was alone, and listening in. Also, I was gassy, so if you detected a smell coming from A-D, I was having a reaction to Aeon Flux.

When your two openly nerdy friends (A nerd couple! A rarity!)  asked if anyone had seen THX 1138 you described it as weird. This description was apt, and totally fair. I am apologizing because of my unnecessary commentary. Without looking up at any of you, I added, simplistically: “I am forced  to agree. It is super weird.”

Game of Silent Thrones

Admin Rock here. But you probably knew that. Wanted to weigh in on something I’ve been pondering for a few weeks now. While the geek community can be very flash in the pan about certain things, we do tend to obsess endlessly about most things we love. If you don’t believe me, consider that Star Wars opened in 1976, and we STILL endlessly debate its merits. (I’m still on Team “Bored with it now”.) So I have a question: What the hell happened to Game of Thrones?

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Suck Our New Look! And Attitude!

Jerksicles:

 

How do you like our new look, suckbuggies? Are you sucking about towne in your suckbuggy thinking “Holy Nutmothers! This new look is badass!”

Well, you can park your suckbuggy on ‘Nad Valley Road and Taint boulevard, because our new look is so in your face, it’s a moisturizer! Made of poop! That’s a poopsturizer, you grape-enablers.

Missing Expo and Avengers

Well, due to powers out of our control, there was no Smackdown panel at Calgary Expo this year. We’re looking at returning for next year, and also possibly one or two cons in the USA this year (more as it develops). So instead, some of Admin_Rock’s Expo adventures…

 
 
 

I had booth for my Brickwares Lego stuff, it looked like this.
Brickwares Booth

Chicken Soup for the Soup: A Nostalgickish Father/Son Parable

 

When I was a young boy, my father was always giving well timed and meaningful advice. When I was first learning to ride my bike, he turned to me and said “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear”, and I knew that he meant if I wanted to be a mermaid when I grew up it would be okay with him. On another occasion, as I was dealing with a bully, he leaned down and whispered in my ear “Do you think you could take your old man in a drinking contest?” and I knew that he meant I should follow a path of non-violent resistance.

The Art of Timing

(ed: SPOILER WARNING – This article makes reference to plot events from “The Walking Dead”.)

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Last week, we posted an episode review from a show from the future. As the primary author, I had written the bulk of it, and then asked RobbieRobTown to have a look at it, to see if he had any insight or notes. The article was mostly my effort to recreate that feeling you get when you see people obsessively carrying on about something you’re completely unfamiliar with. In the midst of the article, I decided to add one specific outright joke.

Primaries and Super Tuesday Explained!

A lot of our twelve readers have been asking us: “Hey, can you Canucks at The Correctness explain Super Tuesday to us? It makes no sense”. Well, rest assured, the two or so of you that are still reading, we have done extensive research and we are now ready to explain not just Super Tuesday, but the primaries in general.

Webster’s dictionary defines “primary”- I don’t feel I need to go on, if you want a definition, go look it up.

5 Ways the Star Wars Prequels were better than 4-6

I read this article in which the author attempts to defend the political shrewdness of Star Wars Episodes 1-3 over 4-6…

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http://movies.yahoo.com/news/why-star-wars-prequels-better-original-trilogy-160300514.html

which comes off like a debate student charged with defending an unpopular topic. He attempts to draw parallels between the post 9-11 world and the world of the prequels. As Phantom Menace came out in 1999, and Attack of the Clones was well in to production by the time 9/11 happened, this is a bit laughable.

But it got me to thinking: Is there any ground on which one COULD claim superiority of the Prequels?

Read More…

Valentine’s Day: A History

Hello Dearest Readers:

A lot of you have been asking me to clarify the history of St. Valentine’s day, and how it came to be celebrated as we celebrate it today. Well, since there is no greater expert on things both historically accurate and romantic, I RRRT (The third R is for “romance”), will be your guide in to the true meaning of St. Valentine’s Day!

50 Enticing Sexual Techniques from RRT, that somehow turns into 50 things I Hate about Online Dating Profiles.

The Elements of SEX style, like colons...

 

Dearest Readers, both Ladies and Gents:

 

First of all, sorry we’ve been away for a while. TBinns is writing for TVision, and Ad_Rock is directing theatre. I’ve been lazy. However:

A lot of you be constantly up in my grill, bein’ all : “Excuse me, RobbieRobTown, you are a noted seducer/ lothario/ rockstar/ gymnast. Can you please share some of your sexy sexual sex tips for sexing sex?”

Well, I’m glad a lot of you asked that so often, and I’m ready, at long, hard last, to share some of the secrets from my boudoir of bonism. Here are my top 50 tips for keeping your love life as spicy as a salami of the spicy variety, and probably higher in phosphates!

Live Smackdown Video

Hey folks, Admin_Rock here. So you know how we talk about the Live Smackdown from time to time, but none of you have ever seen it? Well, hold on to your pants, or possibly the pants of a friend, because we have a 3 minute clip for the 2011 Comic Expo craftily edited by RobbieRobTown. (Video shot by the amazing Andrew Phung.)

WATCH! As we move through the bracket.
SEE! Admin_Rock get cut off a number of times.
MARVEL! At the Marvel of it.

RRT’s Iffy Discovery Channel Pitch

Not too long ago, Dear Reader, I sent a detailed information package to the Discovery Channel about my idea for a new series. It was rejected. I have posted the emails between Discovery and myself below, so you may decide for yourself how bad my idea was.

 

Best Sci-Fi/Comic/Genre Film of 2011:Poll

Hey kids, Happy New Year and all that jazz. I’m back from vacation in Palm Springs and Mesa, and ready to get going for another year. I see everything went smoothly in my absence… What? No Action Smackdown Final?

Linking the poll at the bottom of the article. You should be able to vote for up to 3 items. If I missed any (pulled these off Wiki), let me know, I will add.

Polls

That’s coming this Friday, because I said so. In the meantime, thought we’d look back at the movies of 2011, and yap about those.

Merry Ho Ho

Because I love most of you, and tolerate others (and the Intern can suck it), here is a present.

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Read More

A Very Justice Leaguey Christmas!

A Very Justice Leaguey Christmas!

By RobbieRobTown and TBinns

 

It was the morning of December 24th, high above the earth on the Justice League satellite. Actually, it might technically have been December 23rd in some places – these things are tricky when you are in orbit. Business was winding down for the holiday season, and despite news that well-trained, radioactive weasels had burrowed into Lucas “Snapper” Carr’s anus and eaten him alive from the inside out, things had been quiet.

Two Open Letters of Complaint

1:

Dear Kellogg’s:



You are no doubt aware that you are the manufacturer of Frosted Flakes. If you are not aware of this fact, you should be.  I am going to presume you are, indeed, aware. Of this fact.  You guys make Frosted Flakes.  Your “Frosted Flakes”, which are puffed corn of some variety or another, have the unlikely mascot of an anthropomorphic tiger, who wears a scarf for some reason. This he does, and I can only surmise, because Tony is a gang member, or possibly a barnstormer.

Action Smackdown: Bourne Vs Bride

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ACTION SMACKDOWN!

 

This week, The Bride versus Jason Bourne in an episode we like to call: Bourne to be Mild!

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Let’s get it on like a black lace thong!

A Pause in the Smackdown to Remember

It occurs to Admin_Rock, as he sits at his computer this morning, that maybe posting a hypothetical gun battle to the death is not the best way to honour the fallen on Remembrance Day (Veteran’s Day for our American readers). So he’s unilaterally decided to postpone this week’s Smackdown entry to tomorrow. There aren’t a lot of things we get serious about here, this is one of them.

We will post this week’s chapter tomorrow.

Some Suggestions for the Now Vacant Oscar Hosting Job

It seems that Eddie Murphy, in a show of solidarity for a douchebag will no longer be hosting the Oscars.

I can’t say that I’m sad, especially after last years debacle. Thanks Academy, for dragging my beloved Anne Hathaway through the mud with your crappy writing and pairing her up with a stoned co-star who apparently thought he was supposed to host it ironically.

Happy Halloween

From Tbinns (Hellboy) Mrs. Tbinns (Squirrel Girl FTW!!!) and Tbinns Jr. (New 52 Superman complete with jeans)

Have a great one everybody!

Action Hero Smackdown : Lara Croft versus The Man With No Name

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ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week, The Tomb Raiding Lara Croft takes on The Man With No Name, who sports the most annoying character trait of all our combatants.

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Laugh Track Larry

A short while ago yours truly wrote some sketches and sent them in to a sketch comedy show. They shot a couple of them and I stumbled across one of them today. Please enjoy “Laugh Track Larry” by yours truly, Tbinns.

NOT COOL.

Found this story by way of Josh Flanagan at ifanboy.com.

Basically, some douche who writes for Men’s Health and Maxim took some pics of people in costumes at the New York Comic Con, and made fun of them because they weren’t totally cut.

We here at the The Correctness do our fair share of mockery and castigation, but generally ours is well written and makes an effort. Buddy’s piece is just mean spirited and of crappy quality.

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Action Smackdown: Sarah Connor vs. John McLane

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ACTION SMACKDOWN!

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This week: It’s Sarah “You’re terminated, mister* (Edited for AMC)” Connor vs. John “Yippiekayaye Marty’s Uncle” McCLane. Who has the most metaphorical balls, and who will face Judgement Day?

A Terse, Disappointed Review of DC’s new Green Arrow #1

A Terse, Disappointed Review of DC’s new Green Arrow #1

This week, RobieRobTown takes on yet another of the New 52 in the DC Universe! What will he say? Find out below!

The Correctness 2230: iPhone 134 launches this Bieberbay!

(Ed: This article was found in a copy of The Correctness magazine from RobbieRobTown’s trunk. His car can apparently travel through time, as the magazine is from the year 2230. We’ve presented it untouched.)

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Attention Ladies and Gentlemen and Unbeclarebs!!! Exciting news from the South, as the AppleOmniCorp announces the much awaiteb launch of the iPhone 134. Some of you out there were concerneb that this launch was going to be for the 133 G. Well, guess again! It’s a full flebged 134, complete with a grab bag of new features to make even the most bevout Morrisseyist brop it all and heab to the Glomomart!

Tbinns TV

For those who don’t know, which I have to assume is all of you because if you DID know you are taking WAY too much interest in my personal life, I am in the process of developing a half hour comedy show. I’ll spare you the painful details about how many times I’ve had to rethink the concept owing to being beaten to the punch, but I believe I’ve hit on something that works now. We’ll leave it at that. I have a producer attached, who got us a little funding to write a pilot, and then, something rather marvelous happened.

ACTION SMACKDOWN: Bourne vs Kirk!

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ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: James T Kirk vs. Jason Bourne and his whole identity! It’s a match made in Space Hell, where malevolent gaseous beings push you, the reader, around for 2000 words, and that’s just the comments section!

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Disapproving Motivation

Created by Tbinns for Intern Benji

So…How Much Do I Hate The Lou Reed /Metallica Song “The View?”

More than I hate the TV Show “The View” and that is saying a lot.

Just for the sake of context, please take a listen to as much of this as you can stand. I made it about a minute and a half in.

Catwoman #1 Controversy Addressed in 3-minute Photoshop

Last week the DC relaunch #1 of Catwoman was the object of much controversy for a non-nude sex scene between Catwoman and Batman. I’ve always said that comics as a medium are not a child’s art form. This without further comment is the picture that appeared in my head as people got upset to an irrational level about a story aimed at adults.

 

Action Hero Smackdown WHICH IS TOTALLY FIXED: Han Solo vs. Mad Max

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ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Mad Max of, uh, those Mad Max movies vs Han Solo, recurring peripheral character in the Sit Com known as Star Wars

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

ACTION SMACKDOWN FRIDAY

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Hey kids. Smackdown will be up shortly. We’ve had a issue tracking down an opinion. Or… ah hell, we’ll blame Benji.

Sweet and Lohan

An Erotic work of fiction by Tony Binns

It was difficult to tell whether it was the beat of the club, or my own heart pounding in my ears, as I was being lead back to an intimate corner of the VIP Lounge. It started simply enough with a smile and a wry comment.

Continuity Entropy (Or: “The nerdiest op-ed you will read all week”)

Continuity Entropy: a process of complication or muddying the history of a character to a point where all explanations of the character have to start with something like “well, when they restarted Wonder Woman in 1987, Steve Trevor wasn’t her boyfriend so …”

No matter how fresh your reboot, you only have a few years before your storylines become so integrated that you can’t possibly have a new reader jump on at any issue.

Read more…

The Correctness Round Table: Die Hard, How many times DID the same thing happen to the same guy?

As we prep for the big non-super action movie hero Smackdown, there was some discussion about the line John McClane says in the screen classic Die Hard 2: Die Harder, “How can the same s*** happen to the same guy twice?” and if in fact the same thing continues to happen for the next two installments or if it was two of the one thing, then two somewhat different things.

This led to a free-form Round Table discussion of Die Hard.

An open letter to Jim Carrey in regards to Emma Stone, who, as yet, has not entered the contest to win a date with me.

Jim:

A while back here on my comedy website thing, which is highly regarded by my mom, I invited Emma Stone to enter the “Win a Date with RobbieRobTown” contest. She did not enter then, nor has she submitted an entry since I reopened the contest earlier this summer.  To be fair, Emma Stone hasn’t the foggiest idea who I am, or if I am charming, homicidal, or both. So, to preface this letter without any further speculation, I am not writing this to tell you to keep your mitts offa my lady, as such a statement would be untrue, sexist, and incalculably fucktarded.

It’s Coming…

You can feel it in the air.

Like the sour sweet wind that blows, and denotes that Halloween is , in fact, Grinch night.

It’s subtle, so small if you weren’t paying attention you’d almost miss it. But nevertheless it’s there.

The Correctness Round Table : A New Blade Runner Movie

There was a huge announcement last week that caused ripples of excitement, terror, joy and disdain throughout the Geek Community. Ridley Scott would be making another film in the Blade Runner universe. No word on whether it’s a a prequel, a sequel, or otherwise with Harrison Ford’s participation being called very unlikely. When we heard the news, we figured it definitely called for a round table…

THE NEW BLADE RUNNER PROJECT….THOUGHTS?

Tbinns Interviews Katy Perry

This article is a follow up to one that was written one year Ago today…

The Dozens for Nerds

Sometimes, a nerd can only take so much. We have a high tolerance for insults, forged on the third floor, west side near English class, as the jocks wandered by. But occasionally, we must hit back. To that end, The Correctness now arms with you the sharpest ripostes, the most bon of bon mots with which to savage your opponents.

San Diego Comic Con sucks.

Listen, I’m not one to bag on things… Okay, […]

Filling in For Tbinns

Okay so last Friday, at 4:30…right before the long weekend, I get a call from Tbinns, who hasn’t shown his face around the office for at least a week. It goes something like this.

TBINNS: Hey Benji, what’s going on?

ME: Not much, just wrapping up some stats, about to head out…what’s up?

The Correctness Explains 2

A loooong time ago, we ran an article in which I endeavored to explain some complicated aspects of movie plots for the sake of our readers. It didn’t end well. It took a long time, and a lot of therapy, and the pain i feel when I think about it is much like the pain I feel from the box “papercut” I got from some printer boxes in the middle of the aisle at Best Buy this morning. (Seriously, big box stores, quit filling the ample aisle space with pallets of stuff. It’s annoying, and sometimes painful.)

So, I think I’m finally ready to try again, with the saved up mail from last time.

The Goddamn Intern is Fired

Dear Correctness Readers:

Since the addition of our new intern, Smunchy, or whatever his name is, I have been soft pitching him awesome ideas for your comedic enjoyment. Like, underhand soft-pitching. “Hey, Krunkles”, I have been saying about the office, “here are some amazing ideas to base an article around. All you have to do is stir and enjoy!”

“I’ll get right on it!” Blumpie would say.

Here is a list of ideas that Ringo has totally neglected to turn into articles for you people.

1. Mumford Cuthbert’s Comfort Cupboard

It’s a mattress store. The proprietor is named Mumford Cuthbert. It sounds a bit like “comfort”. The tagline for the hilarious advertising is “It’s Mumcomfortable!”. How the fuck is this not funny, Benji? Are you too busy having your sexual sex with your female human girlfriend to write this script? Disappointing.

2. A Case for: Covington Cross

Holy Shitsnacks! Is that Covington Cross?

A Moment with the Red Skull

Saw Captain America last night. Very well done, a not so comic book-y comic book movie. Here’s a deleted scene from late in the film (No Spoilers).

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How “Reign of Doomsday” would end if DC had any balls

When DC rebooted Superman in 1986 they ended the old version with one of the greatest Superman stories of all time, Alan Moore & Curt Swan’s “Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?”

This summer’s Superman arc is about the return of Superman’s murderer, Doomsday who is doing Doomsday-ish stuff to the supporting cast of 1993′s “Reign of the Supermen.”

Read More…

First Day on the Job – Benji H.

Hello everyone. My name is Benji Halverson, and I’m the new summer student/intern for The Correctness. I’m a 3rd year student in the Journalism/Communications program at Mount Royal University.

You’re probably curious as to how I was picked for this job. Short answer, I was away when the practicum/internships were being chosen, and it was assigned to me. When I found out a little more about The Correctness, and spent a bit of time reading the site, I went back to my professor and explained that there had been some kind of mistake, that The Correctness isn’t a news site, but he told me it was either this or a job with the Prince Albert Daily Herald. I chose this.

Chief Defender of the Faith

Planet of the Apes Film Fests

Last year when a friend of mine invited me over to watch a film on his mondo-fantabulous home entertainment setup, he told me to pickup a blu-ray of whatever I wanted for my first HD giant screen experience and I chose the 1968 Planet of the Apes with Chuck Heston. I didn’t have to buy it though, I had purchased the Apes original series blu-ray boxed set months before owning a player.

Read More…

Live Appearance

The Correctness will be performing live this Saturday (July 16) at the special Hot Nuts and Popcorn show. We will be performing a skit that is very near and dear to our hearts. Hot Nuts is a great show, and the proceeds from the door are going to help out our buddy Derek pay some legal bills so that he can get back to New Zealand to be with his son. If you’re up to nothing, come on out, and make sure you say hi to us while you’re there!

Hot Nuts and Popcorn
Saturday July 16, 11pm
Loose Moose Theatre
Second floor of the Crossroads Market, 1235 – 26th Ave. S

Also, RobbieRobTown and Admin_Rock will be performing in the show immediately before that, an improvised show called Gorilla Theatre. Same location, 8pm.

The Ungiving Tree: An Inspirational Tale of Unconditional Love

The Ungiving Tree

Ungiving Tree

Once there was a tree and she knew a little boy.
She was okay with him-

Expansion!

The Correctness is expanding once again! Don’t worry folks, it’s not like a West Coast Avengers thing. We’ve added to our staff in a few ways. First off, our intrepid Cub Reporter Keith (@CubReporterK on twitter) has his own byline now, so you may be seeing a few more articles by him popping up.

In addition to that, The Correctness has agreed to take part in the Summer Intern program offered through Mount Royal University here in Calgary, and we’re pleased (maybe) to announce that we have our very own intern. Please welcome Benji Halverson (Intern_Benji) to The Correctness. He’ll be tasked with things like writing some “insider” articles, to give folks a feel for what things are like here in the office, as well as improving the air flow through the bullpen, and maybe sorting through the stacks of comics etc, and organizing things for us.

Welcome everyone!

Verdict Motivation

Tbinns’ Top Ten Favorite Rock Instrumentals

Dear The Correct…go get your headphones and meet me back here in five.

Oh good, you’re back!

This was a tough one to narrow down. As a Prog Rock fan there are tons to choose from, but after much thinking and humming and hawing I think I found my faves. Again I would like to point out the difference between “The Greatest” and “My Favourites” keep that in mind when you rip me a new one in the comments section. But yes, do let me know what I’ve missed.

Haiku Story Cycle for the Homophobic Dudes in the Truck who Threatened Me.

I’m out for a walk!
What a perfect night for this.
Lilac in the air.

Oh, shit. Goddamn it.
A truck mounts the curb. Assholes!
Easy to spot them.

Seatbelts unbuckling.
They check for cops and see none.
This looks bad for me.

Truck with a Hemi
That is a big engine, boys.
compensating for…?

She likes us! She really likes us!

Melissa Skowron over at Creatively Impaired took in the Expo over the weekend and had a great time. Then she put on a pair of roller skates and kicked some ass at the Super Heroines versus Zombies Roller Derby. She was kind enough to drop us a line and give us a shout out in her review of the Expo. (We are mentioned at around the 6 minute mark) She’s new here, and she doesn’t know that generally speaking, she is supposed to insult us. Thanks for the kind words Melissa, and you can check out some of her artwork/comics over at www.thecreativelyimpaired.com.

The Brand New Magic:The Gathering Correctness Expansion Set Part Two

Because the first one was so terribly popular. (I just played my Irony card +2/+2 to all snide remarks.) This time however we have included a few surprises…now you can add the members of The Correctness to your deck! Join us for the exclusive sneak preview that has Magic fans everywhere declaring “Who the fuck are the Correctness?”

Superhero Smackdown Undercard : Tbinns jr. Vs. The Justice League

My son recently took on the Justice League, and we have the Photos!

An Open Letter to the Writers of the Green Lantern movie re: My Deep Confusion

Dear Writers of the Green Lantern Movie who I am too lazy to IMDB:

Some of our regular readers here at The Correctness know I am not an expert on all things Green Lantern. I made a whimsical comment at one point about Hal Jordan getting his powers from being bitten by a radioactive lantern, and a few nerds took offense and sent death threats. As a consequence of my ignorant and insensitive comment, I was shipped away by my fellow contributors at The Correctness to Green Lantern boot camp. I read “Secret Origins”, “Rebirth” and “Sinestro Corps War”. I even got started on “Blackest Night”, which I have had the courtesy not to confuse with the “Dark Knight” which is a different thing in your DC universe entirely. The Dark Knight was the guy who got bitten by the radioactive bat, whereas I am now aware that Hal Jordan’s powers are generated by an immense night-light on the planet Oprah. All sorted.

Having learned so much about the Green Lantern(s), I must say I was shocked when your film strayed so far from the origin story I was familiar with. I was agape (agape? a grape?) – I was a grape in the audience at my local multiplex when the story onscreen was so wildly different that I almost thought I was in the wrong theatre!

Smackdown: Live at the Calgary Comic Expo, and the return of the “Win a Date with RobbieRobTown” contest!

Dearest Readers:

It was a wild time at The Correcteness panel at the Calgary Comic Expo! Literally dozens (Dozen. Half dozen. Four.) of our regular readers showed up for vote for their favourite heroes in an epicesque battle to the deathish! Not only that, but the Calgary Con saw the sudden and triumphant re-opening of  the “win a Date with RobbieRobTown” contest, at the behest of Summer Glau (who I am sure was dropping me a specific hint in an audience of 5000 people).

There were 7 contenders in the Smackdown this year, and the audience voted in a favourite hero as well. Before I go on to list who was in the battle this year, may I just say that if you give the audience a choice on who is in the Smackdown, they will make obscure, irrational choices to spite me.

Mrs. Tbinnsing : A Woman’s Rebuttal

by Guest Columnist and mother of my child, Mrs. Tbinns. Take it away, sweetie.

Thank you.

Dear Correctness,

It has recently come to my attention that my husband’s handle has become a verb for posting gratuitous photos of beautiful women, often in next to nothing. To make matters worse, none of these so called lovely ladies are me,

Earning the Helmet : Why Erik’s Fall from Grace Works Better Than Anakin’s

Tbinns compares the fall of Magneto and Vader…and there be spoilers ahead

Nerd Quiz: Asian and Native American Heroes

Hey kids, Admin_Rock here. Our intrepid cub reporter Keith was pondering over on facebook, as to the plight of minorities in comic books. It ended up being a fun trivia exercise, I thought I’d bring it over here.

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Keith asked “Nerds: List Asian comic characters who a) don’t know martial arts and b) don’t use a sword. Extra points if they were born in the US. The list is probably as long as native American characters who aren’t shamans.”

So, let’s hear it. Show us how extensive your comic book knowledge is.

Mini Mosaic

Admin Rock blabs about some LEGO thing he built over at Brickwares.

Windowsill_Pic

Check it out over there.

Shameless Self Promotion

Best. Picture. EVER!

Click here and behold the Glory… BEHOLD I SAY!!!

An Open Letter from God to Harold Camping

Memo from: God Almighty

To: Harold Camping

Re: The Rapture

Dear Harold,

Do I go to your crappy radio station and start telling you how to do your job? Then why, Harold, do you insist on telling me how to do mine?

A Case for “The Incredible Hulk”

Why Puny Humans no leave Hulk Reboot Alone?

As part of our continuing service to you, The Correct, we continually find things for you to be in favour of. In our crazy, fast paced, webmanic society, it’s easy to miss something. Our “A Case For” series presents something (a TV show, film, Book, Band etc) that might deserve a look.
Our first installment “A Case For: Farscape” was presented by one of our regular readers, and we encourage that sort of behavior. If you have something you’d like to make a case for, write it up and send it to us at admin@thecorrectness.com . See the end of the article for more info.
This week, we bring you A Case for “The Incredible Hulk” Louis Letterier’s 2008 reboot, brought to you by Tbinns

Handy Grammar Tips pt. 14: Perfect Tenses

Oh, hello Correctness Readers. I didn’t see you there. I literally didn’t, because I wrote this in the past, from your point of view as the reader, and you are not at the moment wherever you are right now when you will read this, or more clearly, when you are currently reading this, ie: you are reading this now, but not then (your past) when I wrote it, so I couldn’t see you there because of the linear passage of time.

Comic Expo Details and Tbinns Stand Up Live

Plus a Vogon Poetry contest…details inside!

The Correctness at Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo

Just a quick post to let our Calgary and Area fans that The Correctness will be making a rare live appearance at the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo this year. More info as it arrives, but at this point we’re anticipating doing a Live Smackdown.

Live “Accurate” Election Coverage! Smackdown Undercard Style!

Good news Correctness Fans!

While our American friends are busy watching the same 45 seconds of footage of a bloody mattress in Pakistan tonight, I am dedicating myself to bring you live Canadian election coverage. I’m ready, I bought a bunch of snacks n’ shit. You can get all of your news right here at the TheCorrectness.com. I assure you, great pains will be taken to be as accurate as I always am. I am legendarily accurate. Lots of people know me as the accurate source of the Green Lantern origin story, and now you can all get to know me as a trusted news source. A lot of you followed my gripping updates on Valentine’s Day, and I can only hope to keep you just as engaged as I did then…

Canadian Politics Explained

For Our American, or Apathetic Canadian Readers.

Canada is one of the greatest countries in the world…not because of our leadership but rather in spite of it. We have an election coming up. In the states, these occur every four years. In Canada we have one every four weeks it seems. So as a helpful guide to this quagmire of accusation and cronyism, the Correctness is pleased to present the Coles notes version of the mess we are currently in

A Word about all this “Tbinnsing” Nonsense.

Tbinnsing – (verb) The act of gratuitously posting pictures of attractive actresses/models in articles for the express purpose of ogling shamelessly, with only the barest of connections to the topic at hand. (Orig. AdminRock)

It has recently come into vogue to turn my handle into the aforementioned verb. I think that is painting me with some rather broad strokes, and diminishes some of the work I do around here. This whitewashing makes me out to be some kind of a horrible perv, or worse a 411 mania staff writer, who will post pictures of celebrities going out to get coffee, and make some sort of comment on how tight her jeans are.
I never wanted this to be that kind of a site. I had a dream for this place and it did not involve indulging my Hot Nerdy librarian type fetish…

Minecraft

Cannot stop playing Minecraft. It is pure evil in computer game format.


(not mine…found on net)

Games like Dragon Age and Fallout, hell even Civilization think they’re all addictive and such, but they have no idea of the insidiousness that is tunneling through the darkness towards them.

I now fall asleep with stone bursting in my head, and the faint hissing sound of certain doom around the corner SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! respawn.

Happy Birthday Admin Rock!

For the record…Admin Rock is NOT a series of cartoon vignettes from the 70′s set to catchy pop tunes intended to teach the value of administrative work to children watching Saturday morning cartoons.

Summer Events

We’re heading towards summer, and to comic book fans, that always means a big old crossover. Sometimes, crossover events can be world changing issues of awesomeness, and sometimes, they can just be an excuse for crappy storylines that force readers to buy a ton of books they normally wouldn’t.

We put Crossover Events under the microscope, and see what comes up.

Why this Zoosk ad makes me suicidal:

Dear Zoosk:

This is your current advertisement. I hate it. I do not hate wantonly, but I freely and unabashedly hate this ad. It makes me want to jab pencils in each ear so that the last sound I hear is the sound of HB graphite in stereo. It makes me want to give myself a new optical prescription by scraping a potato peeler against my corneas. It makes me want to swallow one hundred “Do Not Eat” silica desiccant packets so that my last bowel movement will violently rocket a dusty puff made of my intestines and what’s left of my soul into the sewer. Let me tell you what is wrong with this ad.

0:00 : Here are 4 attractive women in a coffee shop. They are there, I assume by the sunlight, around mid day? Let me start again: Here are 4 attractive unemployed women. You can tell they are unemployed because they are dressed casually, they all appear to have nothing better to do, and one of them is sitting on the floor for some reason.

In Defense of Sucker Punch (which is, in fact, radtacular)

Dearest Correctness Peeps:

There have been some mixed reviews for Sucker Punch, and I would like to do what we do best here and tell the negative reviewers why they are so very, very wrong. So very wrong. I saw Sucker Punch recently (in IMAX, where it was delightfully large, and verging on too loud…) and I can assure you that it rocked my socks so so hard my socks became molecularly unstable and evaporated out of my shoes. That’s some serious sock rock.  I don’t know much about Brownian motion, but i order for my socks to be rocked completely off some serious energy would have to have been harnessed, and then directed at my socks. I’m going to try and do this without spoilers, and just encourage y’all to get out of your basements and go see this film on the big screen before it disappears. Is this one of those positive reviews that I get paid for? AHAHAHAHAH, no, I just sincerely think people are missing some really impressive details in this film. I really liked it.

Scott Baiowulf

The Correctness Classics Illustrated version edited by Tbinns. Illustrations by Tomass

Further Milkitude

Our good friend Tomass over at Androgynous Kelly gave us his take on the recent propagation of Gandalf related goodness. Check out more in the post.

Response to the Gandalf Article

Over at Periannath.com, they’ve posted a wonderful article in response to our “10 reasons why Gandalf is a terrible wizard.”

Unlike the responses over at fark (which are usually much better, this time they felt unenthusiastic), they go beyond the “U R SUCK” level, and actually engage in a debate about the topic, adding some reasons why Gandalf is a great wizard.

Thus, in the spirit of debate and discourse, we implore you to head over and read

10 Reasons Why Gandalf is The Greatest Wizard Evar

Correctness Smackdown Awesome Undercard: Gandalf vs. Santa Claus

Dearest Correctness Readers:

Due to recent concerns about certain members of our writing team and their certain problem with a certain kick-ass wizard, it behooves us, nay, it behooves ME, your faithful master of the undercard, to write a fair fight for a maligned magician.

Today’s undercard pits two white bearded old men against each other in a battle to the death for the love of humanity. In this corner, over by your start button, (or for those of you more civilized, over by your finder icon in your dock) is Gandalf The Grey/White, Wizard King of the Lollipop Guild and whatnot! In this corner (if I understand the placement of competitors in wrestling or boxing correctly, and therefore somewhere over by your search window, or by a post-it note of who to call when your Dell crashes), is Santa Claus, Jolly Fat Greed Bringer!

Let’s meet our two warriors and see who truly is the beardiest battler!

10 Reasons why Gandalf is a terrible wizard

Admin_Rock isn’t one to stand on ceremony or suffer fools lightly. He says what he thinks, and he’s Correct. Today, 10 reasons why Gandalf is a terrible wizard. What’s that? You thought he was an awesome wizard? Put the bong down, turn off the Pink Floyd, and step into the current decade. School is now in session.

RobbieRobTown and the Curse of the Alphabetical Ladies


Hello Correctoids.

As you know, I maintain my own twitter feed, @RobbieRobTown, on which I occasionally tweet thoughts of tremendous importance. However, one such incident resulted in an inexplicable hack of my account… I think… Allow me to explain.

I tweeted the following:

“In Green Lantern Rebirth, they chase Parallelogram back into that big lantern on Oprah. Does that mean they have to fear The Colour Purple?”

Aquamotivation

8 Simple Rules for Making a Superman Movie

an Open Letter to Zack Snyder

Dear Zack

You would think it would be the easiest thing in the world to get right, but no one has made a decent Superman movie since the early 80’s. (It’s a fact of SCIENCE!!) Everyone knows what Superman does. Everyone knows what he’s like. And yet, know one seems to be able to get it right. Well The Correctness is here to help, so pay attention …

Mathemusical Battle! Square Root Music!

Hello Dear Readers!

Recently the staff here at the correctness saw an act of supreme nerdiness on display, and instead of just sharing it with you, we took it upon ourselves to go one step geekier, we squared off, and took it to irrational ends!

First, we must give props to this nerdgasmic idea: Musician Michael John Blake recently posted a video in celebration of pi day (3/14, every year…). He has taken the number pi, and assigned numerical values to the white keys, starting with Middle C. He also used a tempo which is roughly half of pi, and did some chording…

Read More…

Screw Paper

Found this on cSlacker.com today, made me laugh. I thou […]

Well…That’s definitely the Red Skull. OR…

1. Joan Rivers after a particularly harsh peel

2. Kevin Bacon, if he was slowly coming back from Hell after solving the Hellraiser cube

XXX-Men : The XXX Parody

Lots of other sites will preview those OTHER movies. You know, they’ll show on set pictures of Captain America. Not holding a shield. Not even in the costume. And it’s blurry as all hell. Or they’ll show you a car on the set of Thor. Well, not the Correctness. No sir. The Correctness are a bunch of zeitgeist loving motherfuckers who know EXACTLY what our loyal audience wants. We are out searching for the REAL scoop.

The Top 25 Comedies of All Time

Or should I say…MY Top 25 Comedies of all time. Comedy is after all, the most subjective of arts. I often find myself laughing hysterically at things that others simply stare blankly at. To each their own. You may not enjoy the sorts of comedies I enjoy.

But for the record, I’m right and you aren’t. We are called the Correctness for a reason.

A First Impression, Somewhat Despairing, Track by Track Review of Radiohead’s “King of Limbs”

I am a gigantic Radiohead fan. If Thom Yorke pooped in a bucket, I would still throw it on the ol’ turntable to hear his experimental smell-sounds. That said, I am a pop musician, and I have all the respect in the world for artists who make me smile and sing along. So, here we go,  a track by track review of the new Radiohead album, which I spent assloads of money on, and will be delivered to me on vinyl in, like, 90 years. I’m listening to the WAV files, so I know for sure I’m hearing every detail intended by the boys. You can play the album at home and read my thoughts track by track if you like.

Live Updating Valentine’s Journal: Where the Bitter Meet the Bored!

Who could get tired of Valentine’s day? A “holiday” that you don’t get off work, that is so insidiously well crafted that  to criticize it in the smallest degree is to broadcast your unfitness for pair bonding? Yes, even hipsters hold their tongues, lest they be considered too bitter to remove their ray bans, push aside their ironic PBR empties, and drop their skinny jeans to make painfully sincere love without even stopping to talk about how ironic the whole thing is! Three to seven minutes without rolling their eyes- unless it’s back in their heads…

I’ve decided to gave you guys hourly, and perhaps even more frequent, peek into my ultra romantic sexy life.  You will literally poop cinnamon hearts from the sincere joy I will provide you. I will document my unfathomably saucy Valentine’s day starting now, and close up this shit-window into my shit-apartment life  tomorrow night at midnight. It’s shitacular! It will literally be funner than death, and all that such a grammatical abortion implies. From 5:00 today until midnight tomorrow night, buckle up for the most romantic thing you have ever heard, ever.

Why Godzilla Would Be An Awesome Girlfriend: College Essay Contest “Winner”?

Recently, as our regulars know, we went to universities all over North America and asked for essays to be entered into a new contest just for surly teen freshmen. Almost no entries were posted, save only this highly offensive submission from “Billy, Age 18″. We weren’t going to share it, but then…
Please be warned, this inexplicable rant contains NSFW language.

The Correctness Casting Couch : Wonder Woman

Well kids, it’s time to cast the big one…Diana, the Amazon who in our Smackdown series somewhat controversially handed Captain America his ass on a shield, as it were. Her powers, like Superman’s, vary wildly depending on who you talk to but there is no doubt about her iconic status and her ability to not only hang with, but occasionally even beat the Big Boys.

The Correctness Casting Couch (finally)presents: Wonder Woman.

A Brief Missive to Mission Impossible III

Dear Mission Impossible III:

I was going to ask why it was in that scene in the Vatican the one guy shoots a tracking device out of his camera. I was going to ask why he didn’t just toss it into the central square, or drop it off, and then something occurred to me:

The Correctness on Sports

The Correctness on Sports:

Contrary to popular belief, we here at The Correctness are huge sports fans. Because of our unerring expertise, we are frequently bombarded with sports related questions. How does one pole vault one’s shotput? Is Hachidan Kiritsu illegal in Anbo Jitsu, just as Will Riker claims it is? What are the consequences of a ground rule double in quidditch?

Daniel…I am your Father!

The above photo is of myself and my new son, Daniel Harrison Binns. On the whole, fatherhood suits me. He shares many of my facial features, yet somehow he manages to make them work for him on a level that I have yet to master. What I have found in my limited time in Daddy’s chair is that the miracle of birth is not actually in birth itself. Rather it lies in the fact that this small creature does everything in its power to make you hate it, screaming, defecating, depriving you of sleep and yet it has the complete opposite effect.

The Lamentable Life of Scroaty the Dwarf: Pt 3

By the time Scroaty had reached his forties, he had settled into a grim routine. Having finally abandoned a tedious and wholly unsuccessful search for self-redefinition, the kind of search that a person can only attempt in his thirties if he has no family or greater sense of purpose, he had become a woodcutter.

An Open Letter to Musicians Who Write Songs About Corporate Life, Money, and Wealth.

Dear Musicians:

Please stop pretending to understand economics, real jobs, or what a cubicle is like.

Allow me to explain: I’m a musician too. I completely understand where you are coming from. Your socialist views, your bohemian Taoist life choices, your vegan diets. Being an artist full time requires a weird dedication to your craft that sets you apart from other musical hobbyists. Sometimes you have an idea at 3:00 in the morning, and you simply must wake up and record it. Sometimes you practice a new chord you “invented” until your fingers bleed, just because you don’t have callouses in those exact fingering positions. Sometimes you are forced to turn down a teenaged groupie because your only groupies are teenaged, and you realize they are only into you because you rent a bachelor apartment and own a leather jacket that you claim to wear ironically due to your veganism. Then you write a song for the teenaged groupie anyway, which you perform to her on your would-be-ironic second hand chesterfield which you retrieved in your buddy’s truck from Value Village, or possibly the Salvation Army Goodwill store. You work at night, and you can’t get up early because of it. Can’t even make it out to busk at lunch, can you?

Insult Contest Winner

So, at the beginning of the Superteam Smackdown (which you can find up at the top under the Smackdown tag), we declared a comment insult contest. The deal was that whomever insulted us the best would receive a Correctness T-Shirt. Now, you, the reading public, would have no way to know the following

1) It was Tbinns and RobbieRobTown that decided to give away a Correctness t-shirt as the prize.
2) The only person who has ever made Correctness t-shirts is katewares (mrs admin_rock).
3) Tbinns and RobbieRobTown, for all their comedic brilliance and wit, have the follow through of a 7 year old with ADHD in a room full of toys.

Vader & Me: An Intimate Interview.

I arrived a Lord Vader’s Beverly Hills mansion. LIke most of the homes in the area, Vaderland was a product of years of renovations, and the most recent changes were still in progress.“I’m sorry about the state of the place,” he said as he strode out to meet me from the grand entryway. “I’m using the same contractors as we used on the Death Star, and they tend to run behind schedule.”

99 Problems, but a Brick ain’t one.

Hey there. In addition to not destroying The Correctness website too often, I also moonlight as a Lego freak… Thought you guys might like to see some of my stuff from 2010. I go by Brickwares at my other website (www.brickwares.com).

Things to give a RobbieRobTown

So, when people say they can’t find the right gift for someone, it usually means either they can’t be arsed to put in the effort, or they’re just not thinking. Cuz there’s always something…

Case in point, RobbieRobTown. My wife (katewares) is really, really good at this game. Whenever Xmas rolls around, she always seems to have a brilliant idea for what we can give Uncle Robtown (as he’s known in our home.)

Lose 50 pounds in a month the Correctness Way!

Weight loss is all the rage, both here on the net and in real life too! With all the processed, sugar rich foods in the world, and the abundance of fast food, it’s no surprise.

A new book by Tim Ferriss, “The Four Hour Body”, claims to show you how to shed all that unwanted fat by doing things like eating after you wake up, putting icepacks on your neck, and taking cold showers. It also will show you how to prevent fat gain while bingeing, how to increase fat-loss 300% with a few bags of ice and how Tim gained 34 pounds of muscle in 28 days, without steroids, and in four hours of total gym time.

Now you can unlock the secrets of the Correctness Weight Loss program!

Strip Mining: The State of The Funny Pages

I was recently given a belated birthday gift by a couple of my gaming buddies, Dave and his lovely horse obsessed bride Erin. It was a cup, with a little grey cartoon rat on it that said “People are idiots and I hate everyone.” An ideal gift for me, as that is, by and large my philosophy in life. Also included in the gift bag was a treasury of “Pearls Before Swine.” strips called “The Crass Menagerie”, which is where this little cartoon Rat came from. “If you aren’t familiar with it or aren’t a fan, you soon will be” Dave assured me.

Poll Results: Who SHOULD have won Team Smackdown

So, like a bad issue of “What If” (and really, most issues were bad), we tried to imagine a world where the Team Smackdown was won by someone other than the X-Men. We left it to you, The Correct, to decide. And you spoke, clearly, loudly, and with no regard for conformity!

You chose… RobbieRobTown. I’ll leave it to him to come up with the narrative of how he beat the X-Men, but I suspect it has something to do with Marmalade, and Kitty Pryde. Or possibly Kitty Pryde in Marmalade, with no one else around. Either way, I’m reserving an early copy.

See more results …

Open Letter to the Snorg Tee Girls

Oh Snorg Tee Girls!

Your enthusiasm for casual wear is matched only by your “gee whiz girl next door aww shucks” cuteness.

Amazing Racist? A True Life Adventure Story

Some of our regular readers know that I am a student teacher, and as such I am surrounded by children who have no idea how offensive or hilarious they are. An example:

Kid: I like your toque, Mr. M! Where did you get it?

Me: Thanks, my mom gave it to me.

Kid: What? I thought your mom was dead!

Me: Not to the best of my knowledge.

Guys in Tights and Fark Green Lights

A Correctness State of the Union

First, a bit of history.

About a year and a half ago, after some social function or another (I believe it may well have been an evening of Settlers of Catan) just as the man/boy who would become known as Robbie Robtown was heading out my front door, I said to him…

“Hey, we should start an online humor magazine.”

Leslie Nielsen: The Correctness Obit

The Correctness is sad to inform you that comedy great Leslie Nielsen passed away last night. He was 28 years old.

Nielsen was born and raised in Canada, though this didn’t seem to adversely affect his career. His father worked for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and thus, Nielsen spent a lot of time moving around, town to town, up and down the dial. And while you and he were never meant to be, baby, think of him once in a while.

Read more…

“Erotic” Fiction for the Nerdy Disappointed Male.

A friend of mine recently suggested that in order to get my long departed groove back, I should try writing erotic fiction. I tried, kind of, then gave up, but this got me thinking: What the hell kind of thing is arousing anyway? What qualifies as a fantasy? The results of my bold new genre of erotic fantasies are below. Spoiler: Some of these stories are so arousing, there isn’t any sex in them at all.

1.

He paused the DVD, and rose from the couch.
“Are you getting up to make a sandwich?” she asked, coyly.
“Yes, I am,” he replied.
“Then let me be direct. Instead of eating a portion of your sandwich when you bring it over here, leaving us both unsatisfied, I would like for you to prepare two separate sandwiches, and I will eat one of them,” she said.
Tears of joy trickled down his face, and when he returned, he brought two more sodas as well.

“It’s the Story of…”

It’s fun, it’s easy! Annoy your friends, amaze your enemies!

It’s the Correctness Movie Pitch Mash up Game!

An Open Letter to K1LLR478

Dear K1LLR478:

I’m writing you to express my distaste for how you handled our encounter in Call of Duty 4 this past Tuesday evening. Yes, I admit that you managed to sneak behind me and kill me with a single shot. However, I think it was both inappropriate and disrespectful to grind your avatar’s crotch on my corpse’s face, while calling me a name.

Call of Duty Trash Talk

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Clap for the Wolfman: A Correctness Halloween Special

So, I’m watching the original Lon Chaney jr. “Wolf Man” last night and couldn’t help but notice a few things that I would like to share with you, in the spirit of Halloween and all.

Smackdown Awesome Undercard: Batman vs. Bacon

Meme this, suckers! It’s Batman vs. Bacon!

Batman! Scourge of Gotham’s criminals! Batman! Brilliant single-minded vigilante! Batman! Nananananananana, etc! Nothing is more powerful than The Dark Knight! Except for Bacon, you mouth-breathing primitives. BACON!

Superteam Smackdown Round 1: The Defenders vs. The Watchmen

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week, we have Marvel’s “The Defenders”, a team of non-teamers, taking on DC’s non-continuity darlings “The Watchmen, who somehow got on the roster when no one was watching them.

Read more…

Superteam Smackdown: Brackets and Rules!

It’s time people.

Here are the brackets for the Superteam Smackdown:

Read More…

Legend of Zelda Movie: Don’t Get Your Hopes Up.

(ED: Today’s article is brought to you by guest writer Victoria Banner – no relation.)

Legend of Zelda: The Movie.

So somewhere at one point in time someone said to me “A Legend of Zelda Movie would be awesome” I disagreed with this fact but was too busy not being sober to bring up why I whole heartedly disagreed with this fact.

Well I forgot who brought up the concept, but I remembered why a legend of Zelda movie would be Terrible.

My sweet new name!

Hello Fair Readers.

You know, my old name (which is not RobbieRobTown in real life, but actually Rob) is getting kind of boring. So, I thought I’d get myself a new name! I’d like a name that makes me seem super cool, like an actor, or a space dinosaur. I know what you are going to say. You are going to say “Hey, RobbieRobTown, you are an actor, and there is no such thing as space dinosaurs.”. You are wrong. I am an improvisor. Here is a list of suggestions, and some of the rationale for them.

War of the Worlds Lego Mosaic

I debuted my latest piece at Seattle’s BrickCon this weekend: “War of the Worlds” (More on the mosaic in another article to come). For the second year in a row, I was awarded the “Best Mosaic” trophy, and even received some votes for “Best in Show”. Seattle and admin_rock seem to get along very well!

More pics within…

The Correctness Glossary : Astyxiate

Before we give you the definitition of the word Astyxiate, please watch the following video to completion.

Transparent Roses

a short sketch about domesticity and time travel by Dawn Dumont

To Doctor Josef Nefario

To Doctor Josef Nefario, head of Applied Interglobal Industries, Sept 12, 2008:

Dr Nefario, I’m writing you to inform you that payment is past due for our recent renovations to your Los Angeles office. We had agreed on strict terms, due to the nature of the alterations, which our office strongly advised against. In addition, on our post install visit, our quality control assistant Barry noted that you had failed to apply for the appropriate relaxations and permits, as you had stated you would. Normally, our office would handle these matters, but you were very insistent on this matter.

A Super Handy Slur to Use on White Males

Dear Non-White-Male correctness reader:

You know, we were having a conversation the other day at The Correctness. A grown up, political conversation about how infuriatingly hard it is to insult white males, because, as the entitled culture of authority and power, nothing really hurts our feelings that much. You can call me a cracker, or greymeat, or gringo, or whatever, but it just doesn’t sting like our bleachy-white and bleachy-caustic lexicon of slurs we have for you folks. At the end of the day, we still have all that annoying capital, and equity, and those reassuring smug savings plans, and reusable grocery bags made of organic cotton that required ten times as much water to grow than pesticidey cotton. We’re a hard target!

The Surf-Stoppers

So you are flicking around on a lazy Sunday, just seeing what’s on, kind of half watching three different shows when suddenly BLAM there it is. A movie that makes you put down the remote, despite the fact that it’s on cable two or three times a week, and you have seen it countless times.

The Correctness Glossary : “Dexter”

A Glossary of Terms that have yet to, but ought to come into everyday usage. Today’s Correctness Glossary term:

DEXTER : (DEXter) v. 1.) to harm, mutilate or kill someone who richly and deeply deserves it.

The Correctness Glossary : Nicklebackery

A Glossary of Terms that have yet to, but ought to come into everyday usage. Today’s Correctness Glossary term:

Nicklebackery (Nikl-bak-ery) n..pl. 1.) the act of enabling or encouraging mediocrity .

Old Contest, New “Name TBinns Baby” Contest, Emma Stone Update.

Dear Supposed RobbieRobTown Fan club:

Some time ago, TBinns became convinced there was a vast, sexy conspiracy surrounding me. As a consequence of his delusion about my “fan club”, TBinns suggested we hold a contest to win a Dream Date with yours truly.

Here are some contest Fun Facts:

Total number of entries: 2.

Total qualifying entries based on rules: 0

Number of times Emma Stone, who I specifically invited to enter the contest, entered the contest: 0

TBinns is a dear friend, and certainly must not have intended to prove how immensely and universally disinteresting I am to women, gay men, and the complexly transgendered.

Read More…

10 Really Obnoxious things to Say Before you Fart

I’m going to be a father soon and I am keenly aware of the many responsibilities that entails, including enriching the life of my son or daughter. Striving every day to make certain they have a better quality of life than I did, while at the same time being careful not to raise them with a sense of entitlement. That’s why “Pull My Finger” is simply not good enough for my child.

True Stories of Urban Adventure! Pt 1: Romance, and Cake

So, I was driving into my parking spot at my condo in my old car, a shabby Cavalier dubbed by my friend Marc to be “Lady Cavalieria”. Its real name was “American Shitbox Moneypit of Shit”. My used Honda Accord would be embarrassed of my old car.
My parking space has a concrete barrier wall, about 2 feet high on the North and East corners. It also has all the cigarette butts. It is perfect for sitting on, littering near, sitting on litter, etc.

Please Pray for This Boy

Your prayers are needed for a young boy in great pain. […]

A List of Possible Follow Ups to “Fuck Me Ray Bradbury”

I’m sure many of you know the video which I am referring to, if not, take a moment and have a look at this.

Superteam Smackdown is coming soon

Well, after a delightful lunch on a patio, The Correctness collectively decided we liked the sound of a Team Smackdown. We tossed some names out, but have yet to make any official brackets, so now is your chance to speak up.

Nerd Fight II Return of the Outrage

Hey Folks, admin_rock here. It’s come to my attention that it’s been a long time since we armed you with any new ammo for causing nerds to fight and argue. And really, it’s so very pleasing to sit back and let them have at, guaranteed entertainment for the entire evening, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT. Any ham-fisted, slack jawed noob can throw out a “Heroes Sucks”; and to be fair, that wouldn’t start a fight, so much as a tacit agreement amongst everyone in the room.

So, here’s a few more to keep your nights lively! Keep in mind, you don’t actually have to agree with the statment. It’s effect will be that of throwing a big meaty bone into Michael Vick’s living room. (ed: Michael Vick is Football player. He was arrested for being involved in a dog fighting ring.) (ed: Football is a “Sport”.)

Don’t worry, we’ll walk you through these slowly.

Dark Betty Saga: pt 3: Crisis in Infinite Riverdales

Good news, Correctness readers! We have managed to find an excerpt for the script for part 3 of the Dark Betty Saga: Crisis in Infinite Riverdales, due for Christmas. We had a 45 minute argument in our office about who wrote this script- the names have been surreptitiously removed from the document. What do you guys think? Morrison? Miller? Moore? Dave thought Claremont, at this point, given the X-Men forever storyline, I tend to agree. Possible spoiler alert: It looks like this series will bring the Dark Betty story cycle to its conclusion.

An Open Letter from Katy Perry’s breasts

To Whom it May Concern:

Listen, we know you’re looking at us. We get it. We’re on the big side, as far as breasts go. Along with Katy’s eyes, we represent most of the oversized stuff on her. And certainly, we’ve helped her get to where she is today. Our presence requires her to build up her lung capacity, and makes it easy for her to get meetings with agents and record producers.

The Correctness Casting Couch: Elektra

It’s that time again, when the Correctness corrects a casting mistake on a comic book heroine because a) we like comic books, and b) we like pretty actresses. We are funny that way. This week we take a look at the assassin who stole, and very nearly stabbed Daredevil’s heart, Elektra.

Re: Shameless Plugs: Letter of Complaint

This shameless promo photo by Tyler Stalman at www.stalman.com

…The internet is no place for advertising. It is an immense public forum that runs on goodwill and charitable government servers, and rainbow kisses. I would be immensely, immensely disturbed if anyone were to mention that RobbieRobTown has a musical going up at the Edmonton Fringe Festival. Why would you bother to tell me that he has written all the music, or that he is starring in the show? That sort of corporate pandering is deplorable, gentlemen. We have all had enough quirky puppet musicals with banjos. The Muppets got there first, and Jim Henson controls the copyright to all things fabric with banjos…

My Top Ten Favourite Performances in a Comedy Movie

Before we begin, I would once again like to stress and clarify that these are my FAVOURITE performances. The “Best” performances would be a different kind of debate, and would, if the AFI is to be believed, need to involve a lengthy discussion of “Some Like it Hot” a movie that I appear to be completely alone in not giving a shit about.

Reader’s Choice: The Best of The Correctness Year One

A few weeks back, we asked you, minions denizens people at work with seriously nothing better to do oh faithful readers, to chime in and let us know which articles were your favorites. You remember: It was this article.

Well, to our continued amazement, you responded. Here then, are your top three favorite Correctness Articles from Year One. (Capitalized to be all Frank Miller cool.)

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Mississippis

“One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi.”

Arnold counted again, carefully, one every second.

New Comment Policy

Effective nowish, comments will not be posted if they&# […]

Horrible Pun Motivation

An Evening with Ringo, Tony and Trev

Well, now I can cross “See a Beatle live” off of the old life list.

The Correctness Guide to Filler: Help with Writer’s Block

Dear Correctness Readers:

A lot of people ask us how we here at The Correctness can generate so much fresh content, ensuring that so much of our written effort is largely ignored by the people we hope read our articles, like Henry Kissinger or Emma Stone. “How can you generate so much fresh, funny content?” those people ask us, redundantly, “That could be enjoyed by Henry Kissinger for example, or Emma Stone, perhaps?” they continue, reiteratively.

Well, the secret to our success, apart from my stunning good looks, is filler.

The Correctness Guide to Body Disposal:

The Correctness Guide to Body Disposal:


So, you’ve murdered someone! You’ve had one of those arguments with, for the sake of this article, a smallish pig. Perhaps your pig was treacherous, manipulative or downright cruel. Maybe your pig was abusive. Maybe you and your pig couldn’t sort out who the real father of your piglets was. Maybe your pig was a national security threat, and even if it wasn’t, you’d best start telling yourself that. In any case, things got a little heated, words were spoken, it all got out of hand, and now you have about 160 pounds of pork to dispose of, and right quickly at that. Maybe your pig weighed a bit more or less, but he or she had it coming.

Tunez Magazine review – Cockshark and Brothersucker show June 9,1987

June 9, 1987:
It was a hot night in the Big Easy, and the audience was rigid with anticipation- For good reason. Tonight, for the first time ever, Cockshark had shared the stage with Brothersucker. For one night only, two of the biggest, hardest acts in Metal would come together, simultaneously, in front of a crowd of thousands.

Brothersucker hit the stage first, surprising the audience with their size. Yes, their members had swollen as Brothersucker now had founding member and keyboardist Rock Dalton playing with them again. Minutes before the show, Brothersucker had taken him in the back to celebrate Rock’s hard homecoming.

Read more

Young Housewives with Ray Guns! Part 1

At 22 years old, Emily was hardly the youngest housewife in West Cloverdale. Indeed, she like so many other attractive young women had carefully played by the rules, attracted themselves a husband, and been swept away to the suburbs.

Though not the youngest, Emily had one thing going for her- one thing, set aside a prizewinning pair of legs from a darker period of her life when she danced naked for beatniks. The “Miss Rack 1958″ contest had been a battle hard won for her- No, what Emily had going for her was that she was smart as a whip.

My Top Ten Favorite Stand Up Comedians

The first thing I’d like to make clear is that this is a list of personal favourites. It is not a “Greatest” list. There are several comedians who are by all accounts GREATER in a broader context. I call it the “Citizen Kane” effect.

LOL Happiez!

Hai Correctness Readers!
LOLsies! Some of you guys sure seem to be in a real pickle about my emotional state! Golly wonkers, it sure is nice that you are all so concerned about my lovemeter readings, but I’m as pleased as a fry in a fish hatchery these days, I assure you!
Just in case, I’ve collected a whole bunch of adorable images, and I’ve written some wholesome commentary for each one! Nothing political here, just good old fashioned warm feelings in your tummies.

A basket of puppies! If they were a basket of apples, I’d pick them for a pie- OF KISSES! Delightful.

For Bren: Kirk vs. Solo

My nephew, Brendon is soon to become a father. He just bought his first house, and is thinking of applying his trade to his own business. When faced with the huge responsibilities of adulthood, one tends to turn thoughtful…introspective even. And then, you start asking the big questions. questions like…

Hey Uncle Tony Ummm…. Had a question which I am sure nerds have debated for for at least 25 years. Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk? I wanted to ask the vast knowledge of the Correctness but I dunno if there is a question section. Now if in question the Spock Kirk duel music is playing, no crowd, just a rancor to kill the loser.

Smackdown: Awesome Undercard 3: CareBears vs. GummiBears vs. Berenstain Bears vs. My Increasing Disillusionment


You have been asking, you have been waiting, you are a fictional construct I am using to build tension. Finally, what “you” wanted is here: Another correctness.com Awesome Undercard event to tide you over until the next full on smackdown series.

In this match-up, it’s every bear for himself- Or, every bear for himself and his or her family, cousins, distant relations, or loosely knit community! And if that wasn’t enough, they are facing off against me, and my unfathomable ennui! That’s right, it’s Care Bears vs. Gummi Bears vs. Berenstain bears, vs. My Increasing Disillusionment.

An Open Letter to Emma Stone Regarding Our “Win a Date with RobbieRobTown” Contest

Dear Emma:

By way of introduction, my name is RobbieRobTown. Okay, actually, my screen name is RobbieRobTown, but my actual name is Handsome McSwashbuckley, or possibly Spacey McDinosaur. You can request my real name at your convenience, I’m just not posting it here, that would just be stupid- I’m a student teacher for God’s sake, so I really don’t want my adorable grade 1 kids next semester looking up my last name on the intertubes and seeing the kinds of things that either A) I say in the name of satire, or B) people say about me in the name of internet anonymity.

Year One: By the Numbers

This article is for the statistic hounds amongst you, as well as those of you gambling about the site (?!).


POSTS: 306

COMMENTS: 1549

Most Posts: TBINNS 129

Pageviews: 651,179

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ONE YEAR OF BEING CORRECT

It’s as much of a surprise to you as it is to us, but The Correctness is 1 year old this week. From its inauspicious beginnings as as a widely ignored blog on the internet to it’s current status as a widely ignored blog on the internet, The Correctness has weathered a number of seasons. Four.

We can barely remember what we had for breakfast, (though sometimes there are shirt clues to help us), so we looked back through the archives, and came up with a list of our favorite articles. We present these to you as a poll, and ask you, oh dear readers, to help us decide the “Favorite stories of the year: 2010″. If you have other favorites we haven’t added to the poll, leave a comment, and we’ll add them in. You can vote for up to 3 stories.

Open Letter to the Municipal Government Regarding Yet Another Liquor Store

Dear Municipal Government:

Thank you for the letter you sent me from the Subdivision and Development Appeal Board. I received your letter regarding a meeting on April 16th. I see the letter is dated April 1st, and you will be glad to know I received it on June 17th.

In any case, despite having missed the meeting which you have scheduled for 2 months ago, I thought that it would be advisable to share my opinion. I will forward this letter to you in 2 months, in deference to the time that your process seems to take. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you. I like your folksy style.

The Robbie Robtown Fan Club

A true tale of love and sausage…

Fast Food Fiction

Dear Correctness Readers:

We get it, you don’t always have time for the full impact of our 3000 word rambles, especially when it’s just a poop joke. Consequently, I have been publishing microfiction via twitter. Here are eleven of them, in no particular order:

1. Predicated entirely on her familiarity with Jane Austen, Eloise married the first male homeowner who stumbled into her punji stick pit.


2. Loneliness consumed him as he looked across the barren, nuclear wasteland and realized he was, almost certainly, the last ventriloquist.

My Prize Winning Voicemail

Thanks to my near toxic levels of geekiness I’ve won a fair amount of Star Wars shit over the years.

My Last Last Comic Standing

Well I have watched my very last Last Comic Standing. Ever.

Last night was the absolute final straw.

POLL RESULTS: Han Solo vs Indy!

This week we explored a different (though in many ways familiar) tack. The poll question pitted Han Solo vs Indiana Jones, in a fistfight.

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Canadian TV: Crap? Well kinda…but seriously, crap? Yet sorta…

Dear Correctness Readers: Here is a quote from our Prov […]

A Correctness Special Announcement

We interrupt the Correctness for a special announcement. I, Tbinns, one of your fearless Correctians is going to be a father.

Let the buying of ridiculous Star Wars themed baby shit begin!

We now return to your regularily scheuled rant, already in progress.

CORRECTING: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The Correctness is a website that’s only about comedy, you think. But, remember, you also thought that Stonewash denim was a good idea, and that Uggs were awesome. You were wrong. The Correctness plays many important roles in your life. One of them is to provide replacements for disappointing films. Today, we tackle the mess that is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

An Open Letter to Microsoft re: Word 2007: LIST OF DEMANDS

List of Demands: Microsoft Office Word 2007 for PC

Dear Microsoft Office Team:

I have used your product for Mac extensively, and it works fine. However, your product for the PC world, which as I understand it, is 95% of your market share, is a deplorable prison rape of a program. It is worse than a searing hot knife up the urethra. Microsoft Office Word 2007 for PC is worse than having a tiger swipe out your eyes, and then piss in your eye sockets, marking your skull as territory with its feline reek. It is worse than eating a bowl of tapioca pudding, only to discover both that it was actually a bowl of silverfish, and that you are made of wool. Your product is worse than being bound naked with duct tape to a steel folding chair, and being forced to pay an exorbitant mandatory admission fee to watch a live gang bang of Glenn Beck, who then, mid blow, starts delivering an angry TED talk about his feelings on something about which he is ill informed, like particle physics, US politics, or reality. It is worse than the Batman and Robin film. I do not enjoy your product.

No further pleasantries. This is a list of demands:

No More Heroes Already

It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of superheros, and comic books. Also, love going to movies. But I’ve come to a conclusion, one that might seem incredulous or shocking on the surface: Hollywood needs to stop making superhero movies.


(Scapulaman, possibly the next big superhero film?)

Maybe not entirely, but 94% of the projects in development should just be scrapped. No Avenger, No Iron Man 3, No Thor, No Spider-Man 4. No prequels, no origin stories, nothing. We’ll let the 3rd Dark Knight movie go ahead, but after that, let’s ban them from Hollywood for another 5 years or so.

Read More…

The Tale of SEO Jenkins

“I wonder if Bono and U2 are going on tour this summer”, thought Jeff Jenkins, while checking out his new iPad. He hadn’t been sleeping well, and was trying to find ways to help fall asleep. So far, he’d been forced to scroll through a number of articles about naturally increasing the size of your penis, to his chagrin.


“Enough of this”, he declared. “I don’t give a damn whether or not Paris Hilton is hanging out with Justin Bieber, or whether the rumors about Conan O’Brien getting a new show are true or not. I’m going out for a nice, relaxing run, followed by some hot yoga.”

The Weekend Horror-thon: a Review

A Saturday filled with chips, cola and Hi-def Gore.

The idea came to me after seeing the Alice Cooper/Rob Zombie Double Bill. It had occurred to me during that campy fun slightly gross show that since my wife HATES horror movies it had been ages since I had seen one.

Correctness Confessional:

Not every time, not even most times, but today, it was I who farted in the elevator.
I took it down to the lobby, I waited, I farted, I got out, and I laughed as you all rode up to the tenth floor in my lingering stenchcloud of bowelhate. All seven of you, in my deep sea of reek.

Haiku Cycle Requiem for the Indicator/Signal Light

Haiku Cycle Requiem for the Indicator Light

The dusty stick on
the left of your steering wheel
is your signal light.

You won’t shoulder check
So signaling is the least,
THE LEAST, you can do.

Click. How hard is that?
Click. There, I did it again.
Click. See how easy?

A Critique of Celebrity Tweets, and Primarily Justin Bieber:

A Bieber in its natural habitat.

Recently due to a scheduling snafu, I missed out on an opportunity to give a public reading of the most hateful literature I could find. First, I recommend if you are in the Vancouver area you check out the “Say Wha?” show on June 8th, but in the meantime, I have located the motherload: The immensely compelling world of celebrity tweets, and specifically the genre-defining work of Justin Bieber.

Happy Birthday Star Wars!

It is May 25th, the 33rd anniversary of the release of Star Wars, and in celebration of this momentous occasion…we are posting links to stuff we’ve already written.

I LIEK CHOCOLATE MILK DAY- June 15, 2010

I LIEK CHOCOLATE MILK!

June 15 is “I LIEK CHOCOLATE MILK!” day.

ON JuNe 15th everybOdy on the FUcking planet is going to change their facebook status to say “I LIEK CHOCOLATE MILK!”. because I goddamn said so.

Yes, I Like Pina Coladas!

Our poll has closed, and we have discovered much about our poll-taking readers…


Take part in this week’s poll, over on the right there…

Read More

A Prairie Tale

Recently, RobbieRobTown made a grant application to the Canadian Government for new works featuring “Stories of our Heritage”. Rob felt that he should be able to include elements of his favourite themes in a historical context. He was incorrect in that regard. The grant application was rejected summarily.

A Prairie Tale

Cornelia Perseverance Downing threw the door of the outhouse wide, and looked out across a wild and ceaseless prairie. The young barley was just now high enough to be tousled by the same late spring winds which tugged at Cornelia’s skirts. She hastened to readjust her Victorian garb. Green and naked, the barley wore no skirts, and would have laughed at Cornelia’s fussing, had it the voice to do so. “Ha!”, the barley would have said. “Haha to your manifold skirts!”

Griffin and The Gas Company

A somewhat more ordinary correspondence…

The Correctness: Personals:

SWM seeks SF from space. Superheroes and Ninjas also welcome, or anyone who moves like a dancer in a slow motion hail of bullets/lasers. Ideally you are human, but if you are an alien in human form and would be willing to slum it with an earthling that would be good too. Aliens particularly welcome if you were planning an invasion of earth, but fall in love with me because “you never thought you could feel this way before” and prevent the invasion force from destroying my backwater meaningless planet. Perhaps you were confused and aroused by the sensations provided to you by your new carbon based form? Other aliens welcome: Slave women from planets with nebulous/gaseous thought-entity overlords- I will be more than happy to tell you the answer to the eternal question “what is this thing called love?”. Most non-humans from Original Series Star Trek welcome, but aliens from the rest of the Star Trek franchise are almost unanimously ugly.

IRON MAN 2 Poll Results

Our Iron Man 2 comes to a close, and the Readers have spoken! Err … clicked!

Read more….

10 Horrible Math Based Jokes About The Chick Who Played Winnie Cooper

Danica McKellar took a slightly different tack to being a child star. As opposed to developing a drug habit,becoming Marilyn Manson (Not true, by the way) or knocking off a 7-11, when her stint as Winnie Cooper was done, she went to school and has since become a highly respected award winning math scholar. She is the author of a number of books and actually has a theorem named after her and her two co-authors.

This does not, however, stop her from cashing in on her retro crush status by showing off the goods in Maxim every once in awhile.

Motivation Louise Parker

Thanks Mom!

Here at the Correctness, we appreciate our moms a lot. Mostly because until a few years ago, we lived in their basements, but there are many reasons to thank our moms!

admin_rock

My mom encouraged my nerdiness in oh so many ways, some of which I’m certain she didn’t (and still doesn’t) understand.

Read More…

The Correctness Presents: Trite Zodiac Comedy!

Monthly Horoscopes For May 2010

Looking for the answers? Well they are here! Vague as ever, yet somehow magically tailored for you and your swollen nuts! The month of May will be tricky for many signs in the Zodiac, because even if you are a girl, you will have swollen nuts. Please enjoy our prognostications, and remember: If you heard it on the internet, it’s probably true.

Magic 8 Ball: A Motion Picture Event

According to this and several other sources online they are making a Magic 8 Ball Movie.

I would like to take a moment to discuss this in a calm and reasonable manner.

Open Letter to Generation Y

Dear Generation Y, or more specficially, those of you who work the drive-thru window:

Shut the f#%k up. Seriously. Ask me what I want, and then, here’s the tricky part: SHUT. THE. F#%K. UP. Wait, and actually listen while I tell you what I want to order.

I know you’re all special, and unique, and a pretty snowflake, and beautiful in every single way, but neither of us is getting anywhere faster if you keep interrupting me…

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No, I LOVE Jesus.

Alright, you heathens, you keep insisting on asking us about our romantic affiliation with Jesus. The volume of mail about us and Jesus is overwhelming. Every day, you people, with your questions about Jesus, and who kissed who first. Well, there is nothing going on between us and Jesus, but we’d surely like a crack at hitting that.

How Hard We’d Hit Jesus:

I’d hit that so hard it would take Jesus an extra day to come back at Easter.

I’d hit Jesus so hard they’d have to give out Cheerios instead of communion wafers.

Read More…

Open Letter to the Prejudiced Dickhole T-Shirt sales “man”.

Size Small? How hard is this?

Dear Dickhole:

All I was trying to do was buy a superhero T Shirt at a comic book convention. Let me recap our conversation for you:

You: (plausibly friendly) Does anyone need a hand with anything?

Me: Yes, actually, I could use a hand. I don’t suppose you have any shirts in a size small?

You: (turning slightly) No Man, we never do, we just never – not at the conventions.

Me: Oh. I see. But you have an online store, is that right?

You: (getting douchey) Yeah, but you’ll never bother me there.

Me: I beg your Pardon?

You: (douchier still) I said you’re never gonna bother me there Man.

Me: I see…

You: (getting your shovel) Yeah, cause in the last 5 years I have had, like, 2 orders for size small stuff.

Me: Look, it’s okay, I’ll move on…

You (digging a trench for the battle): Yeah, and you know what’s wrong with you small people?

Smackdown AWESOME UNDERCARD 2: Robin vs. Aquaman vs Goats on Bikes

Smackdown: AWESOME UNDERCARD 2: Aquaman vs. Robin vs. Goats on Bicycles

Since our much criticized elimination of Robin and Aquaman from our Superhero Smackdown, our fans (okay, one fan) have been calling out in eerie unison: “Bring back Aquaman and Robin!”. You have climbed the steps of Mt. Seleyah, you have smelled the smell of salmon on your hands, you have been, and ever shall be their friend. Well, your prayers have been answered, because as the still unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I alone have the time available to pander to our superfans* (*fan). I have been a little busy fellating donkeys to think the really deep thoughts, but we’re not here to talk about what I did to which species, or who saw what and told which ladies, sealing my celibate fate.

Live Smackdown – Calgary Comic Expo 2010

Thanks to some wheeling and dealing by Tbinns, The Correctness was invited to present a live version of the Superhero Smackdown at the Calgary Comic Expo this past weekend. We discussed how to transition a season-long adventure into about 50 minutes, and whether to use the same 8 finalists. We decided to pull Superman from the bracket, as he had already won once, and it seemed to make things a bit more even.

We arrived at the Expo early in the day, and checked out the room. It was a large one, and we discussed whether there would 9 or 12 people attending the panel, as it was a) unknown to most of the attendees, and b) opposite a panel on comic book writing featuring Chris Claremont. (admin_rock entertained thoughts of skipping our panel to attend that one!)

But when 5 o’clock rolled around, and we saw the line, it was clear that we were in for a fun time!


Those of you with eagle eyes might find a member or two of the correctness in the above picture.

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Thanks to the fans!

The Corectness would like to take a few moments to gush […]

Open Letter to Maxim

Dear Maxim

A well meaning soul recently sent me this link to your 13 hottest nerd crushes. While certainly give you points for singling out Grace Park over Tricia Helfer , out of your 13 ,I agreed with less than half. This is when something I always suspected became confirmed for me.

Travel Guide to Middle Earth

Good news everyone! We have excerpts from the 2009 guidebook to Middle Earth!

Staying in the Barrow Downs:

Accommodations:

Accommodations are available, but dusty at best. If your room has a barrow wight, you’ll want to put in a call to Tom Bombadil, his songs are the strongest.

Read More

Finally, A Break in the John Stamos Extortion Case

As some of you may already have read, there has been another case of celebrity blackmail, this time involving Full House star John Stamos. The police have actually got a pretty good lead now, and are asking for the public’s help in catching this lowlife.

The Correctness at ComicCon

Guess who’s coming to The Calgary Comic Expo? Yes, Leonard Nimoy, but besides him? Yes, Malcom Macdowell, Erin Grey, Billie Dee Williams Brent Spiner…yes they are all very good…but who would you really LIKE to see there, live and in person?


No Not Tamoah Pinkett, you jackasses, US!

The Correctness will be doing Superhero Smackdown LIVE. Fear not, you will not bear witness to us in tights doing some sort of Justice League LARPing, it will be a lively comedic debate, with plenty of opportunity to talk back and voice your opinion.

So come out and hurl invectives at us in person for a change.

We are in Panel Room D at 5:00 on April 24th…visit Calgaryexpo.com and book your tickets.

Too Old for this Shit: The Diary of an Eldery Nerd

(Note: This is a repost of the original). I believe the […]

Smackdown: AWESOME UNDERCARD! Daedalus vs. Gargamel vs. Gamera

We here at The Correctness have listened to our fans, and we know we couldn’t design a superhero or supervillain smackdown to please everyone. In fact, we couldn’t design an article to please everyone, and I particularly can’t please anyone with anything for any reason. Mind you, somebody decided to make the film “Extreme Ops”, so I don’t know how any human could be pleased with that either.

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Overly Honest Burger Advertising Quandry

Dear Local Restaurant/Lounge: I drove past your street […]

Requiem For Airplane

(Note: This is a partial repost of the original). The r […]

Fashion Affliction

I recently spent a weekend at the West Edmonton Mall, h […]

Music That Makes Me Instantly Happy

You know those mornings where you wake up and the sun i […]

University Protest Conundrum

Recently, the provincial government announced plans to […]

How I know “The Secret” is Bullshit


Some people I know who are into spiritualism, which is the practice of inexplicably believing anything you are told by some jackass who wrote a book, swear by “The Secret” The central idea, I’m told, is that if you think of something hard enough, and want it enough, it will in fact happen.

Magic: The Gathering…The Correctness Expansion

Note (This is a repost of the original.)


Exciting news gamers! We have a sneak preview of the upcoming MTG Correctness expansion pack! Now you can create entire decks of Correctness to amaze and dazzle your friends with. Tournament play is about to be taken to a whole new level. And by that of course we mean these are not in the least bit legal in tournaments. Or actual games. But we have put in a call about the expansion to Wizards of the Coast, and we expect to hear from them any day now.

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If John Krasinski DOES play Captain America

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

The rumor recently broke that John Krasinski of the Office is on a short list to play Cap in the upcoming Captain America movie. I never really thought of him as the type. I’m guessing they will have to make a few script changes. Changes like this, for instance.

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

(Captain America jumps down from the rafters, to confront his arch enemy)

RED SKULL: Captain… America is it? How fitting. Just like your country you are sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong…and just like your country, you have entered the war far too late. The missiles are set to launch. All I need to do is dispose of you….OH COME ON!!

(Cut to Red Skulls desk drawer, where his trusty luger is now covered in Jello. Cut to Captain America, who looks at the camera and smirks.)

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Victoria’s Trip to Rapture

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

Would you kindly read this column by Correctness Guest Correspondent Victoria Banner

So I am playing tons of Bioshock as of lately, not Bioshock 2 but Bioshock the original Game of the Year for the year of 2008. I am playing Bioshock because I am that special kind of magical broke you get when you are a student AND you work at Jubilations once a week for peanuts….yep that special magical type of broke.

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The Origins of Valentine’s Day

Far from being a Hallmark holiday, or relating to the death of some guy by some tigers or something, Valentine’s Day has a noble history.

Deep in the Mines of Moria, during the splendour of the Second Age, The dwarves carved out enough mithril to forge the Soup Tin of Gor Daleth. This Soup Tin, it was said, when soup was pored forth from it, caused an enchantment. The drinker of the soup would be overcome by a warm fuzzy feeling, such that he might feel a compulsion to make a home with a fair maiden, and begin a family.

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Peter Gabriel’s Newest Album is a Loving Tribute …to Comas

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

I love me some Peter Gabriel. I really do. So imagine my delight when I found out there was a free stream of his latest recording “Scratch My Back” available online. He covers some of his favourite artists, like David Bowie, Radiohead, Paul Simon, Arcade Fire and Neil Young. In turn, all those artists will do an album of Peter Gabriel covers called “I’ll Scratch Yours.”

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Super Retro Casting Couch Special: Bloom County : The Movie

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

No there hasn’t been an announcement, no plans of any kind that I know of. I was just re-reading some of my Bloom County books last night. Bloom County was a staple of my high school years, and probably largely responsible for my leftist political leanings. The strip is definitely responsible for me exclaiming “Dandy!” more often than any sane person should in everyday conversation. As I was chuckling away down memory lane last night I started thinking about how a Bloom County movie might go.

I am making the following assumptions…it would be live action, with the animals being CGI ala Garfield. The Children would be unknown but talented child actors. There would probably be at least 1 musical number. And it would bomb horribly at the box office. But let’s press on and cast it anyway shall we?

CORRECTING: How to fix The Phantom Menace

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

With this article, we embark on a bold new task: Correct that which needs Correcting. To that end, we focus today on the most reviled of the Star Wars films: Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
This task is not an easy one, for there is much that needs fixing.


1) As the point of the exercise is to Correct, any mockery of the source material must be relevant, on point, or incredibly funny.

2) No new characters are allowed, unless justification for their necessity can be made. Existing characters may be removed.

3) Any solutions provided, by The Correctness or comment posters, is subject to ridicule and nitpicking.

4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.

Preview of Coming Attractions: Valentine’s Rant

Starting Monday, The Correctness will bring you 7 days of brief posts on how much I hate Valentine’s day.

Look forward to such comments as “Commercialism aside, Valentine’s Day also sucks because love does not exist”.

Zing! Pow! Stay Tuned!

The Stylistic and Situational Paradox of Meaning and Intent: Ke$ha’s Tik Tok.

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

The Correctness has been lax in it’s duty to our readers lately. We’ve been ignoring your need for some serious literary discussion and parsing of ludicrous pop songs. In order to alleviate this, we present an in-depth look at a song by a woman with a dollar sign in her name.


Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

A bold beginning, bringing the listener straight into the action, with little or no preparation. Our subject is awake, and having an emotional reaction. However, we’re uncertain what that reaction is, as, in order to understand the simile, we’re forced to have a general understanding of how P Diddy feels, or alternately, what aspect of P Diddy the subject is meant to be emulating. Curious, a riddle presented in the opening. Perhaps this will evolve through the narrative to be important.

Dear 24

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

Dear 24:

I never thought we’d get to the place where I would have to do this, but I’m breaking up with you. It shouldn’t come as much of a shock, we’ve barely seen each other in the last year or so, and neither of us seem every interested in staying together. Between my lackluster interest in you, and your refusal to change, or try anything other than the same old tired tricks, well, it’s inevitable.

When we first got together, I was in awe of you. Your smart, choppy style, your boundary pushing narrative devices, the way you showed me what everyone was doing the last few seconds of each hour. And when our second year together started, I was shocked at the ferocity you showed.

Read More…

So…Who is REALLY Responsible for Conan Leaving the Tonight Show?

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

Sure, it’s easy to blame NBC for being complete idiots, and always trying to keep all the talent, even in circumstances that clearly never work. You might be inclined to blame Jay Leno for not just stepping down like he said he would, or refusing to take the Tonight Show. You could even blame Conan, if you ignored Jay’s impassioned plea and were that way inclined. (I am not) I mean after all, he left of his own volition, because he didn’t want to move to 12:05. (Coughcoughintegritycoughcough)

The Groundhog Conspiracy

(Note: This is a repost of the original)

by Correctness Guest Correspondent Trevor Campbell

For generations now Man has looked to the seemingly cute & innocent Groundhog to forecast the coming Spring for us, but we have never asked ourselves, at what cost? Have we sold our souls to these little burrowing devils? We all know the tradition, every year on February 2nd citizens of cities, towns & villages alike gather around the hole that leads to the home of their friendly loveable little weather predicting Groundhog. The lazy little dirt-Sloth then waddles out and if he does not see his shadow we can look forward to an early Spring. However, if he does sees his shadow we are doomed to six more weeks of Winter. What powers of prognostication his little earth-Weasel has. And what power over our springtime hopes and dreams we have given them.

Dear Academy Of Motion Picture Blah Blah Blah

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

cough cough BESTSUPPORTINGACTOR cough cough.

Oh, excuse me I’m sorry. Something stuck in my craw, I think…oh..wait

cough coughBESTSCREENPLAYcough cough cough

There, that’s better.

Correcting Roger Kingkade

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

The Correctness was very pleased to appear on The Roger Kingkade Podcast. Roger is a very funny host, and we enjoy his show very much. The Correct thing to do is to not only listen to this episode, but also to subscribe.

Memes!

Archie!

David Caruso!

What we really know about comics!

Feast your ears on the dulcet tones of outrage!

Roger’s Website is here.

Download the Podcast from itunes (or on Roger’s site!)

The Correctness Casting Couch: Storm

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

Part 4 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Storm arguably the most powerful mutant in the Marvel Universe. (In any kind of real life scenario, someone who controls the weather runs the world, but we’ll save that for another article)

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Dear Disposable Razor Companies

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

Oh hey guys.

I was just thinking, you know what would be sweet?

How about instead of 5 blades that dull as soon as I glance at them, you concentrate on providing me 1 blade that is sharp? Or, how about instead of a lubricating strip, you provide me one blade that stays sharp? Or how about instead of a special vibrating handle, you manufacture a single blade that stays sharp?

The MacDonald/Young Simulcrum

(Note: This is a repost of the original)

Allow me to share with you some revelations I’ve had about Norm MacDonald and Neil Young.

Both of these gentlemen are Canadian entertainers who have a rabid fan base, neither of whom I have enjoyed in the past.

In fact I would say that I actively disliked them. In the case of Norm MacDonald I particularly detested his stammering delivery of non jokes that he tries to get you to laugh at by blinking you into submission. I seemed to be the only comedian in the world who was happy he got shit canned from SNL. All of my friends love this guy and his appeal was lost on me completely.

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The Correctness Discussion Topic #1

(Note: This is a repost of the original)

Today’s Topic:

Hobbes is to Calvin what Tyler Durden is to Edward Norton’s unnamed Narrator in Fight Club.

Things to consider….

1) Everyday when he comes home from school, Hobbes pounces on Calvin, thus he is fighting himself

2)Hobbes may be an extension of Calvin’s personality he may not be ready to deal with yet, ie: his latent attraction to Suzie Derkins. In the Movie, it’s Tyler who bangs Marla, the Edward Norton character doesn’t even admit to being attracted to her.

3) All of these characters are, in their own way rebelling against authority

4) People who have a decal of Calvin peeing on the logo of a rival truck do NOT get Calvin and Hobbes. AT ALL.

Discuss.

Please note the Correctness has received a special dispensation, and we can, this one time, talk about Fight Club

Dear Jessica 6 of Logan’s Run:

(Note: This is a repost of the original)


Dear Jessica 6:

As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I am still seeking a Hot Spacewife to get Spacemarried to. I would also approve of a Vampirewife, or a FantasyFictionwife, but I’m mostly looking for a Hot Spacewife. Probably not a superhero wife, they always seem a bit conflicted.

While I know that you are just a character in a movie, and in real life you are Jenny Agutter, and you have had a long career as a respected professional actor, and you are in your fifties (not that 25 years is insurmountable), I would like to leave that aside for a moment.

Dear Waitress at the Chinese Buffet

(Note: This is a repost of the original)

While I applaud your eagerness, it’s okay for my water glass to have more than two sips missing before refilling it.

Also: The fortune cookies should return to telling “fortunes”. Telling me things about myself does NOT count.

IKEA’s Creepiest Ads Ever.

Here at the Correctness, we are concerned about the recent IKEA ad campaigns, narrated by David Hyde Pierce, in which domestic horrors are narrowly avoided with the thin, calming veneer of Ikea home furnishings. What surprised us even more were some of the rejected scripts.

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Late Night Motivation

An Open Letter to Gibson Guitars re: The Les Paul

IMG_2893

Dear Gibson Guitars:

… have another question for you Gibson: What happened to being able to hear the G string? Did the mid range suddenly go out of fashion? I ask because I sometimes play chords that use the G string- in fact, I’m going to say 90% of the time…

A Few Thoughts on Fanboys

Fanboys is exactly the movie I would write…if I was completely ignorant about plot structure, plausibility, character, dialogue, and humour. But I would totally do a ton of Star Wars and Rush jokes.

Where do I start?

Open Letter to Morrigan from Dragon Age Origins

Dear Morrigan,

You are a Grade A Bitch.

Caution: May Cause Side Effects

While perusing through an issue of Tiger Beat Entertainment Weekly, which we extended our subscription to weeks before we noticed that it no longer cared about anything entertaining, we found an ad for a drug that claims to help you stop smoking. While The Correctness is 100% non-smoking, we noticed the ad itself was a full page, but the warnings and information for the drug took up no less than a two page spread. Amongst the usual info, we saw some pretty crazy stuff.

Remember, this is for a drug meant simply to help you stop smoking.

click to continue

6 Appalling Pop Cultural Trends of the Last Decade:

…Look, obviously these artists got some radio play, but they were drowned out by a sea of shit deeper than the Navy’s finest shit-sub could ever fathom.
REO Speedwagon? Hair Metal? What Peter Cetera did to Chicago?
Here’s one for you to remember: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” Is not a good song. It is popular because it is hilarious. Don’t forget the irony built in to enjoying this song and start just enjoying it as is. It is not a good song. It is ridiculous. You like it because it is ridiculous. You might also like it because you never had to deal with it the first time around. I’m blaming you teens again….

Online Depression Test Conundrum

Question 43: When you see your progress bar at the top […]

Baking with Melange : Holiday Recipies from Arrakis

Arrakis

Dune

Desert planet.

Known for two things over the holidays, 1) having the perfect Mise en Scene for the annual Fremen Nativity Pageant, and 2) some wicked kick ass spice cake. Don’t get us wrong, we are sure your Grandma’s spice cake is pretty damned good, but was it so good that you could actually fold space?

We didn’t think so.

Christmas Carol Conundrum

They have an “Ave Maria” but they don’ […]

Busting a Move

Dear Young M.C. :

RE: “Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry, and in five days from now he’s going to marry. He’s hoping you can make it, if you can, ’cause in the ceremony you’ll be the best man.”

Are we to assume that it is Harry that is going to marry? This makes more sense than the alternative, in which you are the Best Man at your best friend’s brother’s wedding. In that hypothesis, one would think Harry himself a more likely candidate. But, no, we need to assume that it is your best friend Harry whom is to wed.

Luke Skywalker: Chosen One or Sociopath?

Today, The Correctness takes a closer look at Luke Skywalker, whom many have lauded as a hero, both for his role in ending the grip of the Galactic Empire, as well as playing an important role in the Prophesy of Restoring Balance to the Force. However, there is another side to this mysterious youngster, one which we’d like to shed some light upon.

Read More ….

Top 10 Names for Christmas CD’s

10. Ozzy Osbourne Peppermint Bark at the Moon

9. Susan Boyle- Yule Forget Who I am this Time Next Year

Classic Vaudeville: Robot and Costello

Costello: Hey, would ya look at that, a terrifying evil robot or something!

Robot: Illogical. does not compute.

Costello: Oh, right. What are you?

The Other Gift of the Magi

By Tbinns

A short Play for the festive Season

Get Off My Lawn: A Memoir

You kids today don’t know what it’s really like. When I was young, things were different. We had different stuff that had fewer things on it, and it made more sense and took fewer batteries- or more to the point, no batteries at all, and that means it was WHOLESOME (TM). Yes, we even ate foods that were more wholesome, though actually we were all eating the same 20 commercially distributed things, and no one had heard the word organic, but everyone had heard the word “DDT”, and we used to have games like “Lick the DDT” and “What fits in my anus”, and it was a simpler time.

Comedy on Demand!

Here at The Correctness, we sometime find ourselves under pressure to produce comedy without having time to develop it into the knives of hilarity which shatter your glass eyes of sadness.

However, unlike other members of The Correctness who would never share their secret perfumes and delicate underthings of amusement, I, RobbieRobTown, am willing to expose my intimate knowledgepenis of producing the haha with limited time. There is, you must know, a formula- an honest to goodness formula, for producing comedy on the quick!

My Top Ten Favorite Album Covers

I think cover art is the one single thing I miss most about albums. Nowadays, even if you do but a CD it’s just as likely to be a picture of the artist looking hot/cool/tough etc. When you were first getting into music, don’t you remember pouring over album covers, studying every nuance? Trying to see if it tied in with the album in some thematic way?

Just me?

You were out touching the opposite sex were you?

Fair enough. Me…not so much

So with that in mind here are of 10 Album covers I remember loving as a pre-teen non female touching nerd.

5 Things You Can Do To Commerate The Anniversary of Pearl Harbor (But Probably Shouldn’t)

The Correctness Casting Couch: Sue Storm (Richards)

Part 3 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four. Not that it would help salvage two shitty films (I can’t believe they dangled the Silver Surfer in front of me and made me pay to see a second one.), but hey, it’s a start.

10 Insidious Items Calculated To Make You Buy More Useless Shit at Christmas.

You know things have gotten bad when you long for the days of soap on a rope. I mean don’t get us wrong, the Correctness is very pro Christmas. No self respecting adult with the mentality of a 12 year old (which pretty much describes all three of us) would have the temerity to hate Christmas. What we object to is the outer fringe dollar store type ephemera that really draw attention to the fact that the whole thing has gotten waaay out of control. These ten that we present for your edification are but a tip of the giant lumbering iceberg that is Pointless Christmas Shit, and it’s headed right for the S.S. Holiday Spirit.

Dear Shoppers Drug Mart:

Shoppers Drug MartDear Shoppers Drug Mart:

I was just about to go out tonight and buy some deodorant and some soothing ass-cream, when I had a small problem. I realized I was unsure which Shoppers Drug Mart store I should go to!

The Correctness Casting Couch : Mary Jane Watson

Part two of our series where we recast some of your favorite comic book heroines, and sweep in like superheroes to rescue them from a lackluster performance. Today we will be recasting Spider-Man’s beloved… Mary Jane Watson

In Defence of Violence in Video Games

There’s been a lot of talk in the media about the negative impacts of video games. How they cause violent behavior, make people more likely to snap and start executing those around them.

We at The Correctness present this reminder of the importance of playing video games. For without them, our world would have been destroyed long ago.

A Look Back at the Past

The Correctness likes to take a pause every once in a while to look back and see what things were like, how the past gets us to where we are now. Today’s installment comes from admin_rock, who brings us a sentimental look back at a time we like to call “1 to 2 pm today”.

The Collapse of Social Science: A Correctness Argument Starter

Dear readers:

This rant is a break from the haha, and a chance for an interesting discussion. If you are in the mood for some funnies, why not check out this jem from our back catalogue:

http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/travel-guide-to-middle-earth/

And now, a serious rant:

The Collapse of Social Science: If there was one in the first place…

Some of you folks know I am back to school, and I have been reintroduced to my old arch-nemesis, social science. Oh, just to clarify, not any one specific social science is my arch nemesis. It’s actually ALL of the social sciences. Group elements of psychology, sociology, social anthropology, communications theory, and to some extent economics. I won’t even attempt to classify philosophy in here.

Catchphrase motivation

Superhero Smackdown: The Final! Superman vs. The Flash

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s the Finals! Two men enter, one man leave!!! The Flash vs. Superman for all the hypothetical marbles!! It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

Attention!

If you use the term “Party Cardi” out loud, we will seriously come after you and take a massive handful of sand, and pound it up your ass. Unless you like that sort of thing. In which case, we won’t!

Smackdown Preview – Round Up!

As a preview to Friday’s final Superhero Smackdown, we’re taking a long look back at the moments and comments that led us to where we are.

The Correctness Casting Couch: Lois Lane

Part one of a series of articles in which the Correctness recasts some our favourite comic book heroines, and reclaims them from some performances that left…some room for improvement. This week, we tackle Superman’s REAL weakness, Ms. Lois Lane.

A Short List of Words the Correctness Hopes Never Come into Common Usage

The Correctness Explains: The Phone Company Pt.1

…TPC is going to be defensive with you when you call. The aren’t angry, they are defensive. First, everyone hates them, and they don’t understand why. They don’t understand why everyone hates them because they are retarded. Second, they have had literally weeks of training in the art of the closed ended rhetorical paradigm. Not only are they entirely untrained in the unimaginable possibility that you may have a point, but they are also exclusively trained to respond to questions for which they receive only yes or no answers. Consequently, they have absolutely not the first nutstamp of a clue as to what to do if you ask them questions off the approved list. If you thought the Pope was slow on the progress, the Catholic church looks comparatively responsive (and non-rapey) next to TPC…

My Thoughts on Being Kicked out of the Beatles by Pete Best

Superhero Smackdown Semi Finals: Batman vs. The Flash

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re into the semi’s! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

A Nerd’s Letter to Penthouse

Dear Penthouse,

I calculated the odds of the letters that people write you being true, constructing a formula based on ratio of repeated incidents, and comparitive studies on similarities of writing styles, and divided it by a whole number rounded up, calculated from an overall probabilty factor based on plausibility and came to the conclusion that the letters written in your forum were specious at best, and certainly would never happen to me.

H1 – Flames 2

(ED: Normally, The Correctness avoids direct commentary on matters of a political nature, as we feel our audience understands that most politicians are dummies, but in this case we couldn’t resist.)

According to the media, The Calgary Flames players,staff, and families were able to arrange a private clinic to receive H1N1 vaccinations, while the unwashed masses had to line up, and are now waiting for clinics to re-open. We might be able to understand this if they had a bunch of appointments to show off the Stanley Cup, but that hasn’t been a problem for 2 decades.

Hooray, were immune to H1N1
Hooray! We’re Immune!

Click to Read More

David Cross

Having just read David Cross’s book “I Drink for a Reason” (which I recommend, by the way) I read that David Cross has a Google alert on his name …

Updated Brackets

From the Correctness Department of “It’s About Freaking Time”

Correctness Average Stats

(ED: The following data is not to be considered fact, as we are making some guesses here. And by we, I mean me, but you don’t know which of us I am, now do you…)

We’ve done some statistical compilation, and can report the following information to you.

The Correctness has 2 kids, 2 cats, 1 dog, and a shitload of guitars. It contains 67% glasses, and 33% perfect vision. It’s 67% married, 33% single. It has visited California, Toronto, Seattle, and Paris since it began. It is a student, a copywriter, and a systems analyst. It is a standup comedian, a musician, and a lego artist. It is Alpha and Omega.

Laser Sluts From Mars: A Hollywood Book n’ Film For Women

LASER SLUTS FROM MARS:

PART VI: THE SEXY WRATH OF THE SPACE TITS UNDERGARMENTS

Juliette set her tea cup down onto the saucer. What had motivated her to use her grandmother’s good china for tea today was beyond simple explanation. Nonetheless, she had been drawn to the good china, and she felt a slight sense of coy scandalousness for having selected it.

Things that won’t help with the H1N1 Virus

The Correctness has seen a lot of stupid things in its day, but few more stupid than the recent spate of “alternative remedies” which purport to make you immune to H1N1. Things like “wash your hands”,”gargle with salt water”, and “drink oil of oregano”. Washing your wands is a great practice, and gargling with salt water makes your throat feel nice, they won’t increase your body’s immunity to an airborne virus. Many people are claiming that the H1N1 vaccine is “untested and rushed”. We’re assuming that these same people can point us to the Lanset Journal article on the double-blind study on the efficacy of Oil of Oregano. Well, we’re waiting…

In light of this, here are some other things that won’t raise your immunity level.

Click to Read More

An Apology, A Recipe.

Recently, we had one of our fans leave our site for good, because we (okay, I) accidentally offended her. I am very sorry. Since we are down now to only four fans total, I felt I would take a break from the funny and try to do something for the betterment of mankind that you can all appreciate.

What could be more free from controversy and possible offensive content than a delicious recipe? Almost nothing! So here, to provide something safe and comforting for you, is a nostalgic recipe.

Click to Read More….

Cult Diaries

butter

June 15:
Those cult guys came around again today. I know they are in a cult because of the nametags, photocopied literature, and matching discount suits from Tip Top. I pretended I wasn’t home. I hate those cult guys.

June 16:
Cult guys are back, they knocked, and knocked, and knocked. They must have waited on the porch for twenty minutes. I think they stole my newspaper. I would never be an asshole like those newspaper thieving cult assholes. Do they know I’m home?

Kingdom Hearts Conundrum

Dear Square Enix:

I have a couple questions about Kingdom Hearts.

1. Why in your advertising do you pronounce “385/2 days” “three-eight-five days over two”, when logically it would be “three hundred eighty five over 2 days” or even more logically “192.5 days”?

Haiku for a Monday

In our continuing attempts at increasing the Correctness of every day life, we present this artistic offering of daily life.

Canadian TV Current Events Explained:


Dear Reader:

Some of you have been wondering what exactly has been going on with Canadian cable television? What is this argument between the large cable providers and the networks in Canada? Likely you have seen the advertisements with the sincere looking broadcast school graduates doing their best to represent either side of this issue, whilst also gamely trying to disguise the knowledge they surely must have that, because they accepted the work as the spokespeople for said companies, they will never work in Canada again, for either cable or network television.

Basically, what is happening is this:

Canada is a vast nation that is sparsely populated. Really, to comprehend just how vast is difficult, because so many of us live along the US border, anxiously awaiting an invasion because we still have some clean water. This, by the way, is the reason that we are actively using up all the water we can in the oilsands. If you Americans come for our water, and we have already poisoned it all, first point goes to us. We’ll burn the crops all the way to Moscow, this is just preemptive.

Jeff Dunham Conundrum

Reasons why Jeff Dunham should have a TV show:

(In order of importance)

How Canadian Thanksgiving Works:

Hello Readers!

It’s a holiday monday here in Canada, and I thought I’d just explain Canadian Thanksgiving to you if you aren’t from ’round here. Oh, that’s why The Correctness isn’t posting any funny today. Hahaha, yes, that is different from other days. Hahaha, DIE!

Basically, we all had our turkey yesterday. Seasonally, that’s because the harvest is already done, and practically because it gives us all day Monday to recover from that turkey hangover. There are no sales at the mall yet, except for Halloween candy, and Conan The Destroyer is on TV, as per traditional dictate.

My Financial Advisor is God

I saw a headline once on Yahoo.com that claimed more and more people were turning to the Bible for financial advice.

This is very odd to me. If you found a copy of the Wall Street Journal that was over 2000 years old, would you take the “Hot Stock Tips” or would you find them just a tad out of date?

ADMIN ROCKS!!!

The Correctness would like to take a moment to congratulate Dave, our very own Admin Rock for winning “Best Mosiac” at Brick Con 2009. We’d also like to congratulate him on being a huge fucking nerd. Check out the rest of Dave’s work here at www.brickwares.com

Miley Cyrus’ Unicorn Rainbow Rescue Team

How shocked was I when the whole series, after weeks of encouragement, was roundly rejected? Answer: Totes shocked, for truesies. I felt completely manipulated. Here are some samples from the letter written to me by Miley Cyrus’ production team.

“…Completely inappropriate for the target demographic”
“…Zero merchandising potential, and a larger potential for fostering mental illness, but at a bare minimum psychologically destabilizing”
“…An incalculable indemnity nightmare”

continued…

Open Letter to Q107

Dear Q107,

I am a big classic rock fan, and I enjoy your station very much…most of the time..I understand you have Canadian content laws, I get it. It helps Canadian artists. I’m all for that.
It is my distinct pleasure to inform you that there are other Canadian artists besides Kim Mitchell. You might have heard of a three piece out of Toronto calling them selves “Rush”. There were these guys called “The Guess Who” who were pretty big for awhile. My friend saw a band called “The Tragically Hip” once, said they were pretty good.

A Lexicon of Lesser Known Superheroes

CAPTAIN INERTIA (Worlds of Wonder Comics, 1952)

In the fifties, television became a national craze, and young children would flake out in front of the tube and waste hours in a passive heap. Worlds of Wonder Comics tried to capitalize on this with the introduction of Captain Inertia, the ultimate passive aggressive.

Beneath the Catacombs of Madness! A Choose Your Own Adventure Story.

This excerpt from a Lovecraftian “Choose Your Own Adventure” story, unpublished and partially complete, was submitted to The Correctness anonymously.

The Lyric Letters

Dear Joe Jackson

If you have indeed seen gorillas walking with pretty women down your street perhaps you should be less concerned about who your ex is dating and more concerned about calling the Animal Control people.

Sincerely,

TBinns

I don’t care if it’s wrong

The Disneyfied version of Lois on Family Guy last night […]

Movies That Make a Grown Nerd Cry.

We at the The Correctness know what you’re thinking: “Those bastions of manly nerd are far too masculine and macho to ever shed a tear during a film.” But, NO, we say, NO. You are wrong. Even The Correctness has a soft side, apart from our blindingly white doughy midsections.

Thus, we present to you a list of films that make a grown nerd cry.

Superhero Smackdown Week 7: Captain America vs. Wonder Woman

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

Should you Rap?

A Companion Piece for Blackboard Concrete Jungle Minds

Concrete Blackboard Jungle Minds

Arlene Patterson was new to teaching in an inner city school- brand new- but she knew, after her extensive teacher training, that she could reach out to these kids and make a difference. The fact that she was a white, hardline mormon from a middle-class suburban middle-America made no difference in her mind. She knew, right through her very soul, that she was the one who could teach these delinquent kids- the ones the Principle of PS 101 had called “unteachable”, “hopeless” and even “Seriously dangerous, and not at all stereotypically gang members, but actually gang members.”. Arlene knew when “the Man” was talking, and she knew she didn’t have to accept anyone else’s prejudices or “written warnings from the city police force”.

Hypocrisy defined for Dawn Soap:

Oh, hey, Dawn Soap.

Um, so I think it’s great you can be used to scrub crude oil off of ducks, and stuff.

Um, but, um, do you need to be used to scrub simulated oil off of real marine animals in your ads?

Updated Smackdown Brackets

So…Here’s the thing…(Where? You added the Thing?)

No we did not add the Thing. But thanks to your feedback we did make yet another line up change

Superhero Smackdown Week 6 – Batman vs Rorschach

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

This week Batman vs Rorschach. (Ed: For our purposes, Bruce Wayne is The Batman.)

Status Quotes: The Best of Cam Ashcroft

Michelangelo used paint and marble. Escher used Pencils. Andy Kaufman used confused looks and a sense of simmering anger. The dad in A Christmas Story used swearing. Cam Ashcroft’s chosen medium is the Facebook Status update. The Correctness proudly presents a brief sample Ashcroftian wit for you to enjoy.

Meanwhile, in the Library

An after dinner aperitif

by Tony Binns

The Green Lantern Origin Story Retraction and Lament

green_lantern-hal-jordan
Dearest Correctness Readers:

Some time ago, I made a comment suggesting that the origin of the Green Lantern involved him being bitten by a radioactive lantern.

Obviously, this is not true. I would like to print this correction.

Superhero Smackdown Week 5: Spawn vs. Wolverine

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

Ziggy Stardust and the Spider from Malaysia

Bowie

According to the Correctness’s sources scientists have discovered a new species of spider in Malaysia and named it after David Bowie.

The Correctness Guide to Seducing a Nerd

nerds2.JPG

Even though many of your people have never yet been enticed by the subtle delicacy that is Nerd Love, in time, you will find yourself inexplicably tempted. You will find yourself drawn to nerds like a moth to a plasma stream, or , possibly, a flame. We will draw you in with our intense passion for very specific things, we will draw you in with our charming inability to admit to being wrong about said things, we will draw you in with our extensive collections of things- Come to think of it, I’m not sure what our exact appeal is, but every year more and more non nerdy people find themselves suddenly and inextricably attracted to nerds, and you will need some advice. Oh- even if you didn’t need advice, we are going to give you some advice, rest assured of that if nothing else. Advice will be given, and you can smile quietly to yourself and tell us to go back to our RPGs.
How does one seduce a nerd, you ask yourself? That’s easy. Offer it sex. Did it refuse? It did? In all likelihood, you may have some serious work to do then.

Every Time I…

HED_toque_LRG

Every time I see someone with a bluetooth device in their ear I want to ask them if joining the Borg Collective was a worthwhile career move.

Killed by Fark (and it feels so good.)

We apologize for being down for a day and a half. We re […]

And the Winner is….

Our contest winner is announced!

The Contest…we had it awhile ago. Remember, the advice thing? Win dinner with the Correctness?

Superhero Smackdown: week 4 Hulk vs Hellboy

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

The Correctness Recommends: Sept 3,2009.

Tens of you e-mail The Correctness, having recognized our competence at guiding you through your journey to being Correct. You ask us “Correctness, what should I spend time on this weekend.” And so, we bring you our recommendations. Not all will be current releases, but all will be worthwhile.

Movie: Blindness (2008)
Unknown

Please kill The Correctness

They are making another Big Momma Movie. Please kill us […]

This is why he wasn’t at his post

TK421

The Correctness is proud to present the Comedy Stylings of TK421. Yes, we know, only one guy seems to be laughing, but some people just don’t get the subtlety of a good Bantha joke.

Of DOOM!!!!

shirley temple

Whenever someone at your table orders a Shirley Temple, you should immediately follow it up with “Of DOOM!!!!”.

(Note: This is not funny with a Roy Rogers, and is particularly pleasing when someone orders a “Sex on the Beach”.)

The Lexus redundancy

The economy of language is important to us at The Corre […]

A Friendly reminder from the Correctness

If you are someone who is looking forward to the new Jenna Elfman sit-com Accidentally On Purpose please go fuck yourself. Thank you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Correctness, already in progress…

The Insufferable Teatime at Petticoat Manor

grittleton01

Randolph Holstershire the Third arrived in a coach precisely on time. He stepped out and tipped the driver ten percent to the penny- an amount which he had calculated using the abacus he was so rarely parted from. The abacus had been given to him as a gift by a Chinaman he had kept in his employ whilst he was on sabbatical in the Eastern Lands. Randolph couldn’t recall the name of his servant, but he did recall how best to use the abacus- for tipping. He also recalled a torrid night in Afghanistan, just he and his servant, naked and clinging to each other to create enough body heat to survive a mountain storm. It was that night he’d learned the secrets of the abacus, and more he would rarely say. Calculating a square root by hand takes dextrous fingers and delicate instruction to say the least, but thoughts of this kind were not relevant to his visit to Petticoat Manor.

Top Ten Predictions about Disney’s Purchase of Marvel

Spidey mouse

In case you haven’t read it already, and began weeping openly, crying “Nooooooooo!!!” to the heavens ala Darth Vader in Episode 3, Disney bought Marvel Comics for 4 Billion Dollars. We here at the Correctness think there will be some changes on the horizon…and here, for no reason at all, are ten of them

The FM Transmitter Quandry

I wonder why is it that when some other car`s iPod transmission takes over my own, they`re always listening to something very, very shitty.

Superhero Smackdown Week 3: Superman vs Iron Man

IronManComicCon

It’s Iron Man vs. Superman for the Friday Smackdown. Let the nerd anger begin…

25 Things Right with The Star Wars Universe

We get dozens of emails saying that The Correctness does nothing but make fun of, and mock things. Those emails are just stupid. Clearly, The Correctness is a bastion of all things good AND bad. To that end, we present the mirror opposite of our list of 25 things wrong with The Star Wars Universe. We know that the normal behavior of Star Wars fans is to shit all over the thing they claim to love the most, but if we didn’t love it in the first place, we couldn’t hate it so much.

25 Random Things You Didn’t Know About Me by Superman

superman_20logo-10

(The Following was taken off of Superman’s Facebook Page)

American Apparel and the End of Days

IN THE BEGINNING, there was The Eighties. And the Eighties were wrong in the eyes of The Lord, and the sinners who worked at American Apparel had been born in the 90′s, and they knew not how wrong they were to dress that way. And they knew not that pulp-porn imagery is creepy, and they knew not of how to work at a real job. The Lord looked upon American Apparel, and he frowned.

serve.asp260px-Fourposes

1. Yea, and the sky will crack, and fire will rain down, and those wearing retro non-prescription glasses frames from the eighties will be blinded immediately, and they will run in the streets and bleed from their anuses. For Vanity shall be the sin which ends the world. “Glasses are for seeing, not for fashion” sayeth The Lord, and The Lord shall say “Enough with the glasses, especially if you don’t need them. How about I give you all a bleeding anus disease?”. And so it shall be.

Superhero Smackdown: The Brackets

The brackets are up, click to see who is on deck, and imagine how our choices will anger you.

Superhero Smackdown Week 2: Green Lantern versus Spider-Man

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome

Green Lantern vs. Spider-Man

What the…

truelove3

The Bucks

the bucks

Anti-Motivation

motivatorcd06a87dc27c0bfca6f3caa07cdbd40af1da552a

“Stopping by the Woods to Poop on a Summer’s Eve” by R. Frost

mantoad2
I stopped by the woods on a warm summers eve,
By a mending wall drenched in sun.
And deep in my bowels, from odours so foul,
Twas time that I baked a fresh bun.

Idaho: an apology

Idaho Flag

After another analytic check, it seems two very forward thinking people from Idaho have in fact checked out the Correctness.

NERD FIGHT!

Here at The Correctness, we deal in things nerdish. Also geekish and Pointdexterish, but mainly nerdish. And if there’s one things nerds can do better than most, it’s arguing about minutia. (Also math, computers, biology, chemistry, botany, etc).

Nerds

Some of you out there are thinking, “so friggin what”. And you’re right. But just for a moment, consider the endless entertainment appeal of watching the little guys get really, really worked up about nothing, with the calming knowledge that if they get out of hand, you can easily subdue all of them, regardless of the numbers involved. Read more …

A Minor Grammatical Concern Re: “Literally”.

File under: Awkward Usage, Modern language, “Literally”

CB029654

Hello, Modern Language Users:

Um, hey, gosh guys, I’m not sure how to put this. You know when you say things like “That was literally the biggest meal ever”, or “That was literally off the hizzy”? You know what I’m talking about? Yeah, about that…

Yeah, um, I’m no Grammar Nazi, I mean, not anymore, and I certainly enjoy the flexibility of writing in this casual style. It’s just that I think what you think “literally” means isn’t what it means? Ya know?…

Read on here…

A Minor Observation Re: “Street Performers”

From the full article: Finally, if your drum circle isn’t drawing a crowd, and so you add, without regard to their skill level, two women with hula hoops, and if they look sincerely intense as they gyrate, eyes closed in the tragic fiction of rapture, and if you throw in someone fire-spinning in a pair of wrap pants you brought them back from your trip to Kopipi, and once every ten minutes someone makes an announcement that this is a show, and if there is no sense of order, structure, focus or purpose to your fiery, hoopy, shitty circus, then that is not a show….

I would rather give money to the kitten on a leash, which, may i remind you, is not a show…

Do read on…

Rom Com Bingo

Romantic Comedy Bingo copy

The Correctness has found a way to take the edge off of a chick flick. You are welcome.

Superhero Smackdown 1: Daredevil vs the Flash

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs begin this week in the Terrordrome.

    Daredevil vs The Flash

ROUND1

The battle of the tight red suits.

Yo, Motivation

Joe

My Life According To The Relative Size of Girls?

On seeing this facebook note trend:

“Choose only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on… You can’t use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think! Repost as “my life according to (band name)”. ”

If I choose the Smiths, will people start calling and asking me if I’m okay again? Because I’m fine. No really, I’m feeling fine. I’m just busy… and it’s just so very dark in my apartment…

the-headmaster-ritual

Pick your Artist:
The Smiths

Motivational Princess

Metal

Public Health Emergency Advice

The Correctness received this impassioned plea for wisdom a few days after the close of our contest, but we felt it warranted special attention, due to the serious public health concerns:

h1n1

Dear Correctness,

Could you please help me and my friend with a problem we are having. As residents of South East Asia, it has come to our attention that many people are afraid of contracting H1N1. This in itself is annoying, as the current strain of the virus appears to be as terrifying as dermatitis, and quite a lot less irritating.

A Fisk Full of Dollars

motivator75d1a876b75f003a60b8b91297d08bc7323cf928

Hey Idaho, What’s Your Fucking Problem?

Ralph

A quick look at the Correctness analytics reveal we have received hits from every province and every state. Except one.

Idaho.

Friendly Neighbourhood Motivation

Web shooters

Time Travel FAQs Part 1: Folding Time

… Q: A popular technique for time travel that I often hear discussed is “folding time”. How does folding time help to travel through time?

A: Well, it’s a simple as this: Imagine time is this piece of paper (Rob holds a piece of paper). Now imagine we could do this (Rob bends the paper to touch in a couple of places) so we could pass from one point in time to another. Well time travel is not at all like that. It’s more like if I did that paper bending thing, except with time instead of paper. Paper is more like paper than it is like time, it’s just serving as a physical analogue in this case. Like, I guess you could create similes about how paper is like time, but why bother?…

28_fold_fitted_sheet2

See full text for instructions…

This Day in History

william-wallace

In 1305, Scottish Rebel William Wallace was finally captured by the English, and sent to London for his execution. And although historical records are fuzzy, we are sure he called one of the arresting officers “Sugartits” and went on an antisemitic rant.

Guess the Nouns

Paula Abdul apparently quit Idol via Twitter. Guess whi […]

Advice from The Correctness

correctness 6

Oh Constant Reader, you may recall that in order to celebrate our 100th member of our facebook group, we held a contest requesting your best “advice column letter”. We also asked you to sign off with a clever acronym that summarized your troubles, like “NERD” or “BATMAN”. The Correctness is pleased to announce that the contest submissions are in, and one of these lucky advice askers will receive dinner with The Correctness! Imagine an entire evening of smarminess! But first, we know that you want our advice, and we are delighted to offer it to you, smarmily. Contest winners will be announced shortly!

Dear Correctness:

When I married my husband I was a regular person with a passing knowledge of superheroes…. (continued)

Motivational Words from Patton Oswalt

Oswalt

Great E-Mails in History

600px-World_Map_1689

E-mail has been around a lot longer than you think. Or at least it has according to our premise. We would appreciate it if you would just kind of go with it.

Almost Paris in The Spring Time

Theatre

A very short play by Tbinns

The Epic of Karnes, or, Something Wicked This Way Comes

karnes3

“…Yes, he had slain the Ogres of Tangle’s Deep, yes he had tricked the Warlock King of Hellsbridge Meadows, yes he had climbed the insurmountable peaks of Zordan, but at the moment, he thought to himself, after all his achievements “ I could really take a dump right now. That would totally smooth out this coronation”…

Julie and Julia

In theatres Aug 7, the story of Julia Child and her efforts to break into cooking, and some modern chick who decides to cook all of Julia’s recipes and write a blog about it.

Wait. We’re supposed to watch a movie about a chick with a blog? about cooking?

Show me the Monet

claude-monet1

(The following is a true account of Correctness correspondent TBinns and his bride on their honeymoon as they tackle the Met in New York City. Between this and his recent Shakespeare post, we feel he is steering toward real culture instead of pop culture. The Correctness has taken him aside and spoken very sternly to him, and he assured us that he is still working on his 100 page thesis on why Transformers should not have testicles.)

Thy Motivation, Sirrah!

shakes motiv

An Open Letter to Skype

skype

Dear Skype:

Attached is an article which references how audio feedback is created, and prevented. Perhaps, and I am just throwing this out there, you guys could read it before you do your next software revision.

Reflections Upon Seeing “Ella Enchanted”

If The Correctness made a movie where Anne Hathaway was under some kind of magic spell where she had to do whatever you told her…It would have gone a lot differently.

Anne

oh, so very differently.

Procrastination Motivation

Productivity

My Dinner with the Correctness

Dinner

It’s time for our very first contest!! How do you enter? Read on!

The Large Hadron Collider and Your Certain Doom

hadron cthulhu

ConCERNed? Ha! Seriously, Large Hadrons, and the End of the World.

We here at The Correctness are not physicists. OH! Wait- No, I looked around again, and we are not physicists, but what we ARE for certain is correct, and we’d like to offer some advice on your impending doom. So, regarding your horrifying death: When CERN finally fixes the Large Hadron Collider in November, we can guarantee you that the first large hadron collision will set in motion the destruction of all life on earth, most probably by terrifying creatures from dimensions beyond, but possibly, and somewhat optimistically, just from a massive gravitational collapse that will swallow our planet. Let’s explain a bit about the LHC.

A Correctness Correction

Please Note: H1 N1 is not an astromech droid from Star […]

Sexist Motivation

Embarrassment

Facebook Solutions for Unwanted Advertising

Much has been made recently of Facebook allowing advertisers to use your profile image, or other images, to promote their products. We at The Correctness have a simple solution. Why spend hours wading around in your privacy settings? Simply make this image your profile photo, and when the good people at XYZ Inc. want your friends to know you love their product without your consent, you can let them know what kind of customer you are.

Copy and post, if you like.

kitten 2

The Deus Ex Beatle Motivation

sooo

A personal note to the fucktard to sat in front of me at the Folk Festival

Dear Fucktard: (and I call you that not because I don’t know your name, but because you’re a fucktard.)

I just wanted to drop you a little line to let you know where your behavior strayed from socially acceptable boundaries. I suspect the first strike was when you thought “Gee, I’ll just wander in here and insinuate myself in a space far too small for my giant chairs. Hmm, right on the very front edge of this blanket seem right, that should make it impossible for the guy who waited in line for hours to see”.

A Personal Thank You to Telus

Thanks for burning my retinas out with a blinding brigh […]

How much is too much?

gross

Lady:

I can smell your perfume in the exhaust-fume-filled parkade a full 5 minutes after you passed through. You smell like the cosmetics section of Walmart crawled up into, and subsequently died inside of, the corpse of a Giant Anus Beast.

You can’t cover ugly with reek.

22 Emmy Nominations? That’s Quite the Motivation!

Hindsight

The Correctness Diaries

diary

It’s like the Diary of Anne Frank. But even funnier! Click and see!

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s MOTIVATION!!!

Cell Phones

just a thought

Hey, if the handlebars on your cruiser bike are taller […]

Quandry

Should I buy the soundtrack of Transformers 2 on itunes […]

Emergency Car Repair Tips (For the Fragile Male Ego)

The Correctness Presents: Emergency Car Repair for the Fragile Male Ego

nerd engine woes

So your car has broken down? Are you stranded on the side of the highway? Are your hypothetical passengers, wife, and/or children screaming at you to do something? Do you think, perhaps, just for one all too tempting moment, if you simply slipped away into the wilderness you could leave it all behind and nobody would ever notice or care? What awaits you in those dark mysterious woods? Is it The Bloodthirsty Wendigo? Will he eat you first, for your cruel betrayal of your family, or will he consume their flesh as you run to your inevitable doom in the web of the Giant Spider? Do you remember the Battle for Endor movies? Will those be your last memories as your fluids are sucked partially out of you, leaving you just alive enough to watch the Wendigo fight the Spider, knowing that your fate is still to be eaten no matter which one wins? All I remember about those Endor movies is the kid with the headband.

7 Things We Hate About Weddings

7 things we hate about Weddings:

wedding doom

Lest we start to sound unromantic, let us first say that we here at The Correctness have no objection to the notion of making a lifelong vow to your partner who you deeply love. No, we think marriages are a lovely idea, and fully 2/3 of The Correctness are happily wed, and a mere 1/3 of us are hopeless bachelors who screw up every relationship we touch like some kind of reverse King Midas (See the Hollies 1968 “hit” entitled “King Midas in Reverse” if you would like to see this metaphor extended into meaninglessness).

Ya Gotta Keep ‘em Motivated

Critical

Sting, where is thy death?

Imposter?

Imposter?

It all started out as a bit of fun.

An associate of mine at work sent me this link:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A506648

It details all of the so-called “Paul is Dead Evidence.”

“Boy…that’s scraping the bottom of the barrel” I said, foolishly thinking that would be the end of it

Al Jaffee’s worst nightmare

This came to our attention on our Correctness! Answers user forum.

answers5

Ode to the douchebag on the dirt bike driving around my neighborhood at 11 pm

Unknown warrior,
He who doth not yield to the chains of life.
You who know not when to say “die”.
Pushing further and further into the night,
You touch the throttle, and fling yourself
into destiny.

I, who can only stand still, and watch.
I, voiceless, wait furtively.
I turn my face to the pale moon, and
silently
call to you in vain

“It’s 11 o’clock at night. Stop driving repeatedly down the street,
You fucktard.”

25 Things Wrong with The Star Wars Universe

SWNew

You know, everyone here at the Correctness loves Star Wars. We really really do. But like the Father who is hardest on his most beloved child (at least that’s what my Mom said) we feel the need to share a few….shortcomings. What gives us the right to nitpick? Thousands of dollars we have spent on toys books, re releases, format changes, model kits etc. We aren’t saying George Lucas OWES us anything. But if you spent thousands on ANY product,and lets not kid ourselves, it is PRODUCT at this point, I feel you have the right, once you have purchased said product, to air a few Grievouses. (See what I did there?)

Daily Motivation July 16th

Mediocrity

How I know I’m not an idiot

I can tell when a beer is cold by touching it. I don […]

What’s my Motivation?

Your daily motivational poster from the Correctness. Yo […]

Welcome all…

The Underage Conundrum

Approach the Object of your desire and tunelessly state […]

The Pocket Length Continuum

Ladies: If the length of the pocket on your jean shorts […]