Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.
This week it’s the first round of the Semi-Finals! The Avengers vs. The Defenders! The Battle of the Ers.
The Defenders (Doctor Strange, Namor, Silver Surfer, and The Hulk)
The Avengers (Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Wasp -Janet)
-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.
-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.
-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team
- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.
-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.
I know most of you are here to see if RobbieRobTown has gone entirely off the deep end, or whether he’s just lazing in the sun in his speedo, dangling his toes in to the water, so no personal stories, no remembrances of these books being read fondly when I was young. I was never a fan of the Avengers, and the Defenders were a cut rate book even then. Hell, I still don’t buy the Avengers books, even though Marvel has gone all X-Men and pumped out 37 Avengers titles per month. They do things like relaunching New Avengers, which caused a 50,000 copy boost for #1, 45,000 of which failed to buy issue 2. But I digress.
The battle begins! Hawkeye and Wasp quickly go to work on Doctor Strange, employing an “all ranges” tactic whereby Wasp gets in close and interrupts Strange with annoying close-range flybys while Hawkeye starts firing arrows at him. Strange is capable of handling such distractions, but the combination is jarring and unsettling to him, such that he’s unable to focus fully, and eventually, an arrow slips through, nicking his jugular, causing him to pass out.
Meanwhile, Thor has launched himself at Hulk, and the two are going full bore at each other. I mean that literally. They are both boring one another fully. Hulk seems to be the stronger of the two, but Thor has a badass hammer, and is making loud thunder booms and such. At any rate, they’ll clearly be at this for a while.
Iron Man and the cut rate Aquaman are flying above the stadium. Namor is attempting to find a weakness in the armor, while Stark is simply running a sub-routine which does exactly that. He fires his repulsors, then flies in, and grabs namor, taking him to full speed, then heading toward the ground, releasing him at the last second, leaving fish brains scattered across the field.
Captain America and Silver Surfer are having a bland-off in the centre of the ring. The Surfer wields the Power Cosmic, but Captain America has a curvy shield with a star on it, and the indignant bluster of an American tourist on his side. He holds off the Surfer’s attacks by dodging and throwing his shield and such. This lasts until Iron Man is done with Namor, and able to assist. The two of them combine to knock Norin Radd off his board, where Cap is able to bring all the power of the US national debt down upon the Surfer’s head, taking him out of the fight.
At this point, it’s everyone vs the Hulk, which is just how he likes it. However, the Hulk can only stand to be around the Avengers for so long, and soon he grows tired of their sub-par banter, and overwritten characters. Cap gets in close enough to remind the Hulk that he’s essentially a grumpy old man from the 40s, and starts on about how things were better back in his day. The Hulk rolls his eyes, distracting him long enough for Thor to give him one between the eyes, while Hawkeye and Wasp stand at the edge, too bland to add anything.
Iron Man pounds away at the Hulk as well, and they force him to the ground. He shakes them off, having recently been overpowered himself for the sake of World War Hulk, and quickly grows tired of the battle. He takes off, looking for the Red Hulk (seriously Marvel, are you fucking kidding me?) and The Defenders are done.
Winner: The Avengers.
Loser: Fans of interesting characters.
According to The Ultimates it takes ALL of the Avengers…at ONCE to take down the Hulk. Just the Hulk, without Namor, Strange and the Surfer.
Mind you according to the Ultimates, Hulk is also very horny and can be undone by a pair of exceedingly tiny boobs. Which means Kate Moss can take out the Hulk easier than Captain America. So let’s not go rushing into accepting Ultimate Universe as canon.
Let’s just say the Hulk and Thor are more than enough to keep each other occupied, so we can take the two of them out of the equation for now. They are beating the living shit out of each other rather spectacularly and it’s very back and forth. Cap, being the master strategist knows that taking out Strange has to be a priority. That’s where he is focusing his energy, I think. That leaves Wasp and Iron Man to deal with Namor and The Surfer respectively.
When the buzzer sounds Thor calls down the thunder on ALL of the Defenders, before launching himself at the Hulk full throttle. However, remarkably, none of the Defenders are hurt. Strange has protected them all. Not possible you say? Well…
Cap whips his shield at Dr. Strange. It bounces off, completely harmlessly. Dr. Strange doesn’t have enough time to defend himself, you say?
Iron Man launches himself and begins blasting away at the Surfer, who manages to evade said blasts. He then uses the power cosmic to rust and disintegrate Iron Man’s armor. Stark drops to the ground, naked, because we all know he goes commando. But, thanks to extremis, Stark quickly recovers, and his spare suit flies from every direction, and he is re-armed and back in the fight in seconds.. until he flies straight into a parallel plain of existence. From whence did this parallel universe portal come, you ask incredulously?
Meanwhile Wasp is making a nuisance of herself with Namor, who is making many grand pronouncements as he uselessly tries to bat away the stinging wasp ray thingies. Until she freezes , completely paralyzed and hanging in mid air. Then, Namor flicks her away. How did Strange manage to paralyze the Wasp?
But…you say, and quite rightly, isn’t Cap keeping Strange way too busy for these little rescues? Well he would be, if he wasn’t fighting the 25 minor demons that have manifested into a small army of Red Skulls that attacked him almost immediately.
But wait, isn’t the timing wrong on all of this? Doesn’t Strange, need time to prepare these spells, how is he getting so much accomplished INSTANTLY?
So that means the rest if the team is free to gang up on Thor, who is eventually overwhelmed by sheer numbers, and by poorly explained powers that were expanded every time the drug addled writers of Dr. Strange had written themselves into a corner.
But before I go, I have to ask, because it’s been going through my head all morning…what was the name of that Olivia Newton John song, that was a big hit on the Xanadu soundtrack?
Yes, that’s it. Thank you Stephen. Is there anything you can’t do? No, actually there isn’t. Therefore…
Winners: The Defenders
Losers: Lovers of heroes with consistent explainable powers.
Fluid dynamics, basically, is the study of how objects pass through a fluid. Aerodynamics is simply an extension of this, dealing with the science of how objects pass through the air.
Fundamentally, there are two forces at work in aerodynamics. Lift, and Drag.
For an object to achieve lift with wings (yes, I know there are other ways), it must have a sufficient wingspan to generate a difference in air pressure above and below the wing, or, if the object has a very small wingspan, it must travel very, very quickly.
The more drag an object has, the more resistance to lift.
Namor has tiny ankle wings. He has tiny fucking wings on his hairless fucking ankles. He is 200 some-odd pounds of drag (albeit hairless, creepy drag) atop 2 of the most vastly impractical wings ever conceived of by God or Nature. There is only one logical reason that Namor could possibly achieve lift on those feather-and-flightless abominations south of his knees. Namor would have to travel at unfathomable speeds to get up in the air.
Look, lots of superheroes fly, but the ones with wings use their wings to fly. Namor has wings. he has tiny-fuck-miniscule-fuck-ittybitty-fucking wings. That’s okay, he’s a superhero, right? Wrong. He would have to travel so, very, very, very quickly that the friction from his own drag (despite his appalling, pedophilloic hairlessness that would make him infinitesimally smoother) would set him ablaze.
“Namor is a pretty fast swimmer!” You might say. “Isn’t there just as much friction from the water?” Yes, but water has a higher specific heat capacity than air. Also, there is less oxygen for fiery combustion. Also, shut up.
It isn’t just that Namor has those preternatural douche-flaps above his sea-water athletes foot ridden leatherette booties. It is also the fact that he has those ridiculous arching eyebrows and that equally unnerving forehead bulge. What does Sue Storm see in this guy? I know what he sees in her- when he can see her- What he sees in her is the chance for children with normal foreheads. Weird ankle-winged fishkids with normal foreheads and less pomade.
Yeah, she’s got great legs. Not him though. Tiny ankle wings. Plus, what is that speedo made of? scales? How does that action smell when it heats up due to drag?
Sub-Mariner? More like Sub-Human.
Fucking. Hate. Namor.
Decision: The Avengers
So The Mighty Avengers move on to the final. Tune in next week to see whether they will face The Justice League, or The X-Men.
Until then, mock us and show off your own comic book nerd skills below.