Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!
The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.
THIS WEEK: The Final! Doom Vs Magneto. A couple of old European dudes scrapping it out for supremacy of the world.
DAVE: First of all, I want to thank all of our regular readers for their comments and input. As you know, we do this sort of thing for fun, thanks to those of you who play along. This bracket turned out to be much more troubling than the Hero one, more issues with mismatches, etc. But this week, we have a battle worthy of the ages: Doom vs Magneto.
At first glance, this one seems like it might be an easy one for Magneto, what with his ability to create wormholes, and turn giant bullets around from a few galaxies away. (Seriously Marvel? WTF?) I suppose next issue we’ll find out that Magneto is also able to raise the dead, turn himself into Stan Lee, and become an Avenger (everyone else is doing it, why not.) I mean, they let Spider-Man become an Avenger, because that made sense! Sure, the greatest loner in the Marvel Universe, though known for his team-ups with a single other hero, that’s a guy who we need in the Avengers. Oh wait, you know who else would be AWESOME? Wolverine!!!! He’d be a great Avenger. Seriously, folks, this entry is precariously close to becoming a rant on how much utter cack the current Marvel universe has become. Must…back…away…
Ok, so Magneto has the wormhole thing, the turning bullets thing, and what else… Oh, power over magnetism and magnetic fields. How the f&*k has this guy not taken the planet over yet?
And then there’s Doom. He has magic, formidable mental control, and the ability to build anything he needs for a particular fight. Oh, and a time machine. (Wait, what? Yep. Oh, and he was able to rebuild himself at the molecular level… Seriously Marvel? And people make fun of DC? I don’t get it.)
So guy with a time machine vs guy with a wormhole. One guy can rearrange things at a sub-atomic level (Really? Magneto. F*&k you Marvel!), the other can take on the Beyonder (uh huh, we’re that old).
This is less fun by the minute. It went from being a slugfest between repulsors and helmets to being a battle of physics.
So, my gut says, that no matter how wormhole/sub-atomic/personal sheildish Magneto is feeling, Doom is his better intellectually, as well as the fact that Doom is a little crazy, with a whole lot of arrogance. Doom shows up to the fight wearing some non-ferrous armor, combined with a device that renders any manipulation of anything inside of the suit impossible. (He’s Doom, it’s possible). He then summons up a few thousand demons to surround Magneto and they, waiting until he eventually drops his shield, eat his face and devour his soul. Of course, Magneto eventually recovers from this to re-appear, though without any memory of the incident. And the Fantastic Four arrive afterwards to defeat Doom using the power of quick thinking, teamwork, and familial love.
This is it.
This is going to be epic!!!
This particular smackdown series was guilty of a few mismatches, but THIS one is going to wreck the arena. Possibly the city.
The first issue we need to address is the armour. It’s loaded with a plethora of useful powers and Doom is not going to head into battle without it.
However, if you think for a second that he’s going to show up to this fight WITHOUT taking the proper precautions, be it a ceramic version of the armour, some sort of magical protection or de magnetization process you are just flat out wrong. So let’s stifle that “He just crushes the guy in the metal armour” shit right now
Any oddsmaker is going to give Doom the edge here, because of magic, the great intangible but counting out one of the most powerful and dangerous mutants in the Marvel Universe is a HUGE mistake.
So here is how I see this going down.
Doubtless, this whole thing will start with the two of them spending an inordinate amount of time trying to get the other guy to bow down to them.
“Acknowledge your better! Bow to Homo Superior, or be destroyed”
“Kneel before DOOM and your precious mutant-kind will be spared”
This is likely to go on for a good 20 minutes or so. Both of these guys like to talk, especially about bowing, kneeling and surrendering, subjects which they are both very keen on.
Suddenly, Magneto brings 2 large sections of the stands, people and all, crashing down around Doom. Doom is protected by his force field but people are screaming, and panicking, overwhelming Doom…momentarily. Then he utters an incantation and everyone freezes. One more incantation and the stand’s /mass of humanity gets blasted aside…and Doom is free.
“You’ll have to do better than that, mutant!”
Magneto rips the very ground from beneath Doom’s feet, But Doom (Via magic or technology, at this point in the mad panic, it’s hard to tell) Doom simply hovers above it.
Beams fire from Doom’s Gauntlets…miraculously penetrating Magneto’s shield. Magneto screams in pain as Doom laughs. He lands a short distance away from the writhing Magneto, gloating and indulging in that arrogance that has so often been his undoing. He forces Magneto to his knees
But then…Magneto starts to laugh…
“And, what, may I ask is so amusing?”
“Fighting Doom is always a mistake, my friend”
“No…your mistake…letting…me …live…”
“Careful mutant, that is a decision I have not yet made…”
That’s when Magneto turns a particular shade of vibrant blue, and starts to look significantly hotter.
That’s also when the ENTIRE BROTHERHOOD of mutants comes barreling in.
Magneto has been hiding, using his powers from a distance and making it look like Mystique was doing it. Sure, it’s supposed to be a one on one contest, but who said villains have to play fair? Besides, Magneto is very much of the “By any means necessary” school.
Now Magneto rises up from hiding, floating in the air, his voice booming
“Call me “MUTANT” one more time and it will be the last word you ever say!!!”
Doom touches his wrist.
Thousands of Doombots come flying in. The Mutants attack…the Doombots attack. It’s absolute chaos. The entire city is engulfed in battle. Wormholes, rifts in the time space continuum, portals to other dimensions, demons, aliens, you name it that shit is going down.
The mutants are starting to get the edge on the Doombots…Doom knows he needs to finish this…but that’s when Magneto pulls out his secret weapon. Miles away, Charles Xavier…decides to intervene on behalf of his old friend, not wishing to see him come to any kind of permanent harm. He is Magnetos insurance policy…his ace in the hole.
Xavier sends a crippling blast directly into Doom’s brain.
Too bad Doom modified his armor to repel such attacks the same way Magneto’s helmet does.
Magneto gets banished to a parallel dimension, and sealed in good and tight.
The winner: DOOM!!
(PS yes, this whole scenario kind of depends on Mystique being allowed to live…but I’m sure Magneto could find other ways to do the old bait and switch if he had to)
This is going to be one hell of a fight. We have two greats of the Marvel Universe: Doctor Doom and Magneto. Both were created by Lee and Kirby, and both have survived beyond Stan Lee’s implausible dialogue. I think it was an aesthetic thing, like the Gilmore Girls… I think…
Our first finalist is Magneto, who is the mightiest mutant. He can magnetically control thing that aren’t even metal. In Fact, in X-Men 1, he uses dust particles in the air to spell out a message for the X-Men to read. Dust is largely non-ferromagnetic, and this clearly demonstrates that Magneto has the power to control all matter, except when inconvenient to the narrative.
The real terror of Magneto comes not from his primary x-tra power. No, it comes from two sources, please note the images below:
Magneto has the power of immense crotch to back him up. Just look at all that crotch! Miles and miles of beachfront crotch. Just imagine the X-men trying to storm that crotch! Just imagine Storm trying to storm that crotch. Now imagine Storm trying to storm Jean Grey’s crotch. Now, back to the regularly scheduled crotch. Unparalleled vistas of purple crotch! Doom has no such pants-majesty, but all must kneel before the pants-majesty of Magneto! An immense frosty tundra of waist girth! A cosmic expanse of trouser fabric!
In addition, Magneto has the ability to hide himself behind his own dialogue bubbles. This would make him nearly impossible to hit with an attack. How do you aim your attack through a gigantic white shield of dialogue? Answer: You can’t, and even if you could, Magneto is still demonstrating his immense pelvic fortitude.
Our other finalist is Doctor Doom. Doom has been tested again and again by a team of superheroes comprised of a Bic lighter, a pet rock, a rubber band, and yet another transparent woman. Three out of four of Doom’s nemeses can be found in my top desk drawer, and the fourth I keep in an elastic band ball on top of my desk.
Reed Richards (ball of twine) and Victor Von Doom (of the Latvarian Dooms) were college roomies. But one night, an explosion came from Doom’s dormitory. If you haven’t tuned into PBS’s “Dooms Dormitory” on Saturday mornings, it is presented commercial free, with occasional seasonal pledge drives. $50 gets you a mug, and $100 gets you a mug and THE INEVITABILITY OF YOUR HIDEOUS DEATH! If you loved Blue’s Clues, you’ll love Doom’s Dormitory! Here’s an excerpt:
Doctor Doom, Doctor Doom,
Tremble at the name of Doctor Doom.
He’s hidden a robot in your room,
That wacky, no good, Doctor Dooooom!
Doom: [to camera] Good! Good! You are all here in my mighty stronghold. Do not attempt to change the channel, or I shall push this button, unleashing Cuddles, my pet Tiger!
Cuddles: Meow meow moew meow, Doctor Doom!
Reed Richards: Who drank all the milk?
Doom: It was I, Richards! Without milk you will be unable to defeat even the weakest of heroes, Captain Crunch!
Richards: And who filled up the TiVo with basesballs games?
Doom: You know what a fan I am of the Seattle Sub-Mariners! And I hypnotized the entire girl’s dorm to make them think you are gay!
Richards: [shaking his fist] Dooooooom!
Doom: Indeed! [to camera again] Now, my robot servant at your local PBS affiliate will read you a list of items up for charitable auction! I command you to bring your parents into the room because even now I am sucking the oxygen out of the rest of the house!
Cuddles: Meow meow meow meow, Reading Rainbow, meow.
Doom: AS WAS FORETOLD BY THE PROPHECY!
[Doom departs in a helicopter shaped like a shark]
Honestly, it’s one hell of a show. Tune in.
When it comes down to the battle, we are left with this conundrum: Is it useful this issue to have Magneto be able to control all matter in the known universe, or only ferromagnetic materials? As well, is Doom’s magic, and control of incomprehensible arcane forces enough to make Magneto feel all creeped out?
Doom steps into his time machine to kill Magneto at birth. Magneto, sensing this possibility, creates a gravity well through which he may also travel back in time. In Hill Valley during 1956, Magneto crushes Doom inside of his DeLorean. But was it Doom? No! It was a robot! Doom is safely in the future, years after Magneto’s death, but Magneto travels there to find him! In the future, Doom has created an army of Mystique clones based on his one time meeting with her in the semi finals, and now everybody is either a Doom robot, or a Doom mystique clone. Magneto, who is no dummy, has redirected a space bullet that was fired in our time from it’s course across the universe, and timed it perfectly so it would arrive in the future.
Doom, prepared for the ol’ redirected space bullet ploy, opens up an interdimensional gate, releasing one of the terrifying Elder Gods onto Magneto. But Magneto suspected such a thing might happen, and he brought a can opener, and some twizzlers!
On and on this battle rages, with two mighty foes smashing almost injuring each other, only to have the other one be prepared for it! How can such a battle be decided? Coin flip!
Heads, Doom. Crotch, Magneto:
It is Crotch.
Also Winner in an alternate timeline: Doom!
Winner for our purposes based on a Canadian $1 coin: Magneto!
So there it is gang…Doom takes the whole shebang 2-1. Thanks so much for joining us…and while your at explaining to us in great detail why we are wrong…why not take a moment to suggest a smackdown you’d like to see. Mega Power smackdown, with Galactus and the Beyonder? Movie Hero Smackdown, Indy vs. James Bond? Or more Superheroes and villains to cover the ones we have missed? We’d love to hear your suggestions.
Thanks again to the folks at Fark, and to you dear reader, who keep coming back despite disagreeing with us so vehemently.
Hey, while you are here, do us a favor and take a look around, would ya? We’re more than just dreadfully uninformed comic book pundits you know.