Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.
CAP: Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to stand down!
WONDER WOMAN: Sir, I’m going to have to warn you that if you call me “Miss” one more time, I will put that shield where it won’t come back right away.
CAP: I’d rather not hit a woman.
WONDER WOMAN: Don’t worry, you won’t.
CAP: I should warn you, Ma’am, if you insist on beating me up in that outfit and tying me up with your rope, I can’t promise I won’t become visibly aroused.
WONDER WOMAN (Shrugs): Wouldn’t be the first time.
With that, Cap tosses his shield which is deflected instantly off of Diana’s bracelets, off of an alley wall and remarkably and improbably right back to him.
This is quite a tough call. Steve Rodgers is at the ABSOLUTE PEAK of human conditioning, a genius tactician, a master martial artist. But Diana is part of an immortal race of warriors, made from clay by the gods. While Steve’s strength is as good as a human can get, hers is actually superhuman. Plus she can fly which has to be quite the advantage. Will she use her truth lasso and make Steve confess about that one very special lonely night with Bucky on the beaches of Normandy? Will Cap’s cooler head prevail and catch her in an arrogant anger induced mistake, thus causing her to ruin her diet with a mouthful of shield sandwich?
Either way it would be a good fight I think. They are quite evenly matched, and it could go either way, depending on who makes the first mistake, so it comes down to character. The whole thing hinges on it, in fact, which is why I’m going with Wonder Woman. Yes, she has a strength and power advantage but Steve has been outmatched and won plenty of times.
No, I think chivalry will ultimately undo Captain America. There are bound to be spots in the fight where he can take a cheap shot and do some pretty major damage, but if he’s fighting a woman, even one who can kick his ass, he will hesitate. And you cannot hesitate for even a moment or the Amazon will take you down, and not in the way you’d be hoping.
And if she got mad enough to don the battle armor and the sword? Forget it. You are done.
I’m giving this one to Wonder Woman
The Boy Scout vs the Amazon Princess. That sentence should pretty much say it all. You could maybe make a decent argument that Cap knows his combat, and his tactics, and his gymnastics, and that hand-to-hand, he’s about as good as it gets. He’s also dead. That’s right. Killed by … a Cosmic Force? The fist of an angry god? Consumption by the fabric of the universe? Nope. A bullet. A normal old bullet. OR WAS IT!!!! (No, it was a time travelly thing, how much ass does that suck?) So he’s NOT dead, but could have been.
But WW could snap his neck like a twig. She can fly, she can exist in the vacuum of space for a short period of time. Her Bracelets are invincible, and that shield would going panging off of it time after time. Wonder Woman could have taken that bullet and shrugged it off. Because she’s practically a goddess herself. She’s smart, sexy, good with animals. I think that girl is going to make it in the modern world. Cuz it’s you Diana, and you should know it!
In the parlance of this very medium, I am choosing Wonder Woman, because Cap is ‘teh gay’, and because she could go 27 rounds with him, leave him begging for more, then finish him off, bring home the bacon, and fry it up in the invisible jet.
Winner: Wonder Woman
Let me tell you a story. In High School, we all had a plan to blow up the school- like, you know, a real plan on paper. We talked about it, we took measurements of the hallways, we discussed the efficacy of various explosives. Now, this was the mid nineties, and nobody thought we were a serious threat, and you know what? We weren’t. I don’t know what kind of screwed up monkey actually tries to blow up a school, but you can’t tell me you never thought about it? Not even once? I mean, we measured a minivan and priced out a sawzall to see if we could get the minivan through the double doors. We even had a plan to use cesium from the science lab.
I am telling you this story because I hope it is more compelling than a fight between Wonder Woman and Captain America, the modern relevance of both of whom is subjective at best. Both had their social relevance at one time, and now both are fucktarded.
Winner: Wonder Woman
Decision : Wonder Woman takes it unanimously.
Next week: Kitty Pryde vs Deadpool! The final of the round of 16!!!!
Thanks for joining us. Let your righteous indignation be heard below.