Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

This week Batman vs Rorschach. (Ed: For our purposes, Bruce Wayne is The Batman.)

DAVE

The trouble with this week’s matchup is that it takes Batman, who has no powers, and relies on his training (impressive as it is) and matches him up with Rorschach, who has no powers and only wishes he had the kind of skills The Bat has.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Rorschach. He’s bad ass, he fights the good fight, doesn’t compromise, and follows leads like a bloodhound. He went out hard, like a man. On the negative side, he’s a ginger. yikes!

But honestly, no amount of sugar cubes is going to stop the fear-inspiring, relentless avenger of the night that is Batman. Batman no only wins, he probably owns the technology and the factory that makes that nice ink blot material.

Winner: Batman

TONY:

Batman: You aren’t in New York anymore Rorschach. The killing stops now.

Rorschach: Hmmm. Legendary Batman. Soft like the rest of them. Has underage ward. Possible homosexual. Must investigate further.

Batman: Hey stop that!

Rorschach: Stop what?

Batman: That! Talking all gravelly like me.

Rorschach: This is how I talk. Not making fun. You stop.

Batman: No YOU!

Rorschach: No you!

Batman: No You!

Rorschach: Make me.

Batman: I will, wanna know why?

Rorschach: Why?

Batman: cus I’M THE GODDAMN BATMAN!!!!

Later period painful Frank Millerisms aside, I have to say it’s not a question of who wins. Batman wins. Any other answer is ludicrous. In Batman Year One (Back when Frank Miller was less ridiculous) Batman was trapped in a building by dozens of cops, and an entire swat team and made it out without getting caught. He also managed to make everyone within a two mile radius have to get rabies shots as a final “fuck you.”. Rorschach was in a similar situation with significantly fewer cops and he was all “Waaaah Gimme back my face!!!”

So as I said, no question. Batman has too much training, too many gadgets, and is too bad ass. Yes, Rorschach is a little more bugnuts, and will kill someone without a second thought…but Batman doesn’t have to. He knows a million ways to hurt you. And that’s all he needs.

The real question is, how much of a fight will Rorschach put up? And I’m going to go on record as saying his ferocity and toughness will surprise old bats, and I bet Walter would even get a few good shots in. And I hope he enjoys them because that’s all he’s getting.

Winner: The Goddamn Batman.

ROB:

Well, I think a part of the issue here is that we only get to see Rorschach fight a few times, and we have to imagine how awesome he is. And let’s not beat around the bush, Rorschach is awesome, like, um,  he is AWESOME.  That thing in the prison with the fryer? AWESOME. Now, there is plenty of Batman canon, so we have tonnes of examples of how much ass he kicks, including Superman’s at one point. Nonetheless, I think this fight might be interesting.

Both of these men are crazy, yes, but both are also stubborn detectives with sociopathic minds. Both have had difficult childhoods, and both prefer to hide behind a mask to get more done.

Now, look, I’d love to give this one to Rorschach, but I know that based on years of evidence, this is all going to go to Batman. Nonetheless, Rorschach might get seriously stabby and very killy, whereas Batman wouldn’t do that. Then Rorschach, after awesomely wounding Batman would get locked up in Arkham Asylum, and then the Joker would be WAY creeped out by him.

Winner of the fight: Batman, by making sure his armour is fastened properly.

Winner of most plausible and creepy dialogue: Rorschach

Batman takes the fight unanimously.

Next week: Captain America vs Wonder Woman. Amazon might vs American Boy Scout.

Thanks for joining us. Let your righteous indignation be heard below.