Superhero Smackdown: The Final! Superman vs. The Flash | The Correctness

Superhero Smackdown: The Final! Superman vs. The Flash

Posted by on Nov 20th, 2009 in Comics, Correctness, Superhero Smackdown | 62 comments

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s the Finals! Two men enter, one man leave!!! The Flash vs. Superman for all the hypothetical marbles!! It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

ROB:

Well, it’s the final round this week, and we’ve all had a chance to reminisce about our success as a one hit wonder comedy blog, and talk about how “Keys to the VIP” is a show somehow, while The Correctness does comedy for free because we are obviously not as funny as “Keys to the VIP”, which as I previously mentioned, is somehow a televised “comedy” program for which a staff of writers and producers get paid.

Superman versus The Flash. Much has been made over who is faster. Much has been made over who is more capable of time travel. Much has been made of who could deposit a brick inside the head of whom.

Several questions are immediately raised. First, is Superman impervious to damage all the way through his meaty parts, or his he built like a mighty tank that is lined with tender meats? If The Flash just showed up inside of Superman with a cheese grater, would Supes live, or die? Or can Superman only be defeated from inside of his own body by kryptonite-coated viruses, or love?

If The Flash truly is faster than Superman, how long can The Flash flee the total devastation of his anus meats before he needs to stop for an energy drink or sandwich?

Here is how this would go down. The Flash has none of the awesome superpowers that Superman has, but he might be a teency bit faster. The green light flashes, the flag goes up, The Flash takes off fast, and Superman runs right after him.

After a 14 hour continuous chase in which The Flash makes up a bit of ground, but hasn’t gained enough time to go looking for kryptonite because Superman is right on his ass the whole way, The Flash starts to get tired. There is only one thing to do now. The Flash travels back in time, because he travels so fast, and attempts to kill baby superman with kryptonite on the Kent farm. However, Superman has travelled back into the past as well, and has prevented The Flash from being bitten by the radioactive lantern which gave him his powers.

If these time travels happened simultaneously, and logically they did, because they did these things in the past, and they would appear to be more or less simultaneous to us in the present, or maybe not, because who the fuck can figure out time travel- wait where was I going with that thought? Oh right, nowhere. Oh! No, wait, it was headed this direction:

If you, as a comic book writer, commit the cardinal sin of science fiction and create two characters that have been known to time travel, there are any number of possible outcomes, each with thousands- even dozens- of possible paradoxical narrative issues. If you have done this, as a comic book author, you are ruining Christmas forever, because Jesus hates cats that eat babies like you, you baby eating cat. You make my think-meats hurt.  Also, meats.

Look, Superman has been around a long time, and Superman is going to win. He has been written with more and more powers of convenience, and he is the iconic representation of the entire concept of Deus Ex Machina.  Flash, sure, your writers have done some ridiculous things to you, but you haven’t been ridiculousified the way that Supes has. Eventually, Superman is gonna wear The Flash down, no matter how many times The Flash can’t be hit because he isn’t there, no matter how many times The Flash leaves a brick inside of Superman’s head, No matter how much either one of them time travels. Exhausted, bloody, and somewhere in 1958, The Flash disappears in a puff of trademarked Flash powder, while Superman creepily smokes a cigar, and shits on The Flash’s corpse- what of it isn’t ashen. Supes turns into a real dick when he has to run through time like that, particularly because he won’t stop and correct other historical atrocities, but he will save Lois Lane from a mudslide.

Winner: Superman.

Loser: Kitty Pryde, who I still insist could not have ever been hit by Superman.

Draw: Meats.

DAVE:

The Finals! You can feel the electricity in the air! Nothing like it.

This matchup is one of epic proportions. We have Superman, he of almost every superpower possible, the archetype for superheros everywhere. Almost no weaknesses, apart from Kryptonite and Magic.

We have The (Barry Allen) Flash, The Scarlet Speedster, Mr. FastPants. Has the advantage of being able to do everything really quickly. Weaknesses are that he has no armor or strength to speak of, and can be felled by a solid right hook.

But in the finals, anything can happen, and usually does!

Superman flies in to begin the battle. The Flash looks up at him, and begins vibrating quickly. They engage in a number of super-fast skirmishes, faster than the eye can see. This goes on for hours. The Flash is unable to gain the upper hand. He thinks about getting his hands on some Kryptonite, or something magical. But he is thwarted in each effort by Supes, who is keeping pace.

Finally, he teleports to the JLA Watchtower, in hopes of getting his hands on some of the Kryptonite stored there before Supes can get there. As he open the case, he’s blinded by a strobing light that Superman has placed there.

As he pauses for a moment, he’s knocked over by a punch that destroys his left ear, taking his equilibrium with it. He looks up, dizzy and barely conscious. Superman is standing there, apologizing for his actions, and launching into a speech about how the true cost of being is hero is …

Suddenly, a green glowing spike appears through the S on his chest. Superman looks down, shocked and bewildered. He can’t believe this is happening. He slumps to his knees, and Barry sees the looming figure of Batman, holding a second kryptonite knife. The Batman smiles a terrifyingly evil smile, and plunges the second knife into Superman’s neck, killing him. Barry smiles and holds his hand up for Batman to take. Instead, Batman steps on his throat, crushing his windpipe and killing him.

Batman clearly faked his own death last week, and anyone with an ounce of brains knows that he’s incapable of losing to someone like The Flash. Or anyone else for that matter.

Batman vs Superman = Batman
Batman vs The Flash = Batman
Batman vs Entire JLA = Batman
Batman vs Zombies = Batman
Batman vs Every person on the planet at the same time = Batman.

You exist because he lets you. If you see him, it’s because he wants you to. Did you know what he was doing? His choice.

In fact, I’m starting a religion based on the gospel of the Bat. Why do bad things happen in the world? Because Batman wants them to. Why do innocent people drown? Not sure, but Batman knows. Is he all-powerful? As far as he wants you to know, he is.

Winner: The God-Damned Batman

Tony

Ahhhh The big day, and the big question…Do I face derision for picking the Flash?

Someinternetguy: WTF!!!!! The Flash can’t beat Superman, you’ve destroyed everything my life is about and now I’m going to dress orphans up as the Flash and beat them up wearing my Superman shirt and it is COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!!!

Or do I face derision by picking Superman?

Someotherinternetguy: Jesus, don’t you know that The Flash (Insert obscure power from back issue nobody knows or cares about here) plus he already beat Superman in issue 7 of Even More Infinite-lier Crisis, read a fucking comic book you (Insert homophobic insult about certain body fluids they imply I willingly and recreationally ingest.)

Well I do know this much. You’d be an idiot to buy this on Pay Per View because it would be all over in about 6 seconds or less, and you wouldn’t see shit. Plus they’d probably charge you an arm and a leg for the three hours hyper slowed down blu-ray set, with making of documentary, interviews commentary by the winner.

Make fun of Wal mart all you want, but I guarantee you that this fictional Blu-Ray would be about 5 bucks cheaper at your local fictional Wal-Mart.

The question remains, who will be on the commentary track?

Well, with two days to prepare, I think Barry knows enough to ask Alfred if he can poke around the Batcave, vibrate his way through a lead safe and get a certain piece of jewelry that Batman always kept on hand. In fact, I’d be willing to bet he’d get it couriered to him by Alfred with a note from Bruce saying :

“Dear Barry (If it wasn’t me, it would have to be you. Yes I figured that out because I’m the Goddamn Batman) Please take this with my compliments and say hello to Clark for me.”

So Barry has the kryptonite ring, and I think we all agree he is just a smidge faster than Supes.

But if we do the math, ie: 1 power versus about 40, plus Superman’s ability to do ranged heat and cold based attacks (holy crap, I sound like the Player’s Handbook!) at the end of the 6 seconds it’s Superman who is standing there.

Until…The arena floods with Kryptonite laced sea water. Superman is brought to his knees, by an entire pod of psychic dolphins. He hears a familiar laugh as his thighs begin to be eaten away by piranhas…

Aquaman has spent the whole time seething about being kicked out of the bracket FINALLY comes up with his master plan! And as Supes raises his head to blast the smirking Arthur with heat…Out of nowhere comes THE BOY WONDER! ROBIN who kicks him square in the jaw…sending him face down in the Krypto heavy water, to be consumed by rabid piranhas and a shark or two. Then it’s back to Aquaman’s pad for a “Victory party” with Robin, Aquaman, and Aqualad, who spend the night testing Arthur’s customized vibrating prosthetic hand replacements. And seeing whether or not the whole Led Zeppelin Groupie rumor is plausible.

Now THAT would be an episode and a half of Mythbusters.

No, seriously though. It’s Superman, who else could it be? I only wanted him in the bracket because I liked the idea of him and Hulk going at it, and that never really panned out. The DC Metahumans are just too powerful.

This is why I think we should do a bracket with lamer competitors. Stay tuned for Edward from Twilight vs. Pikachu.

Winner: Superman (and the Correctness! )

So there you have it. Superhero Smackdown comes to an end, with Superman standing tall. And now we know never to include him in such a tournament. Oh well, live and learn.. A big thank you to all of you, and to the folks at Fark who have been so generous with their highly prized green lights. We’ll have loads of other content for comic lovers though, including The Correctness Casting Couch, in which we recast comic book movie heroines for fun and no profit. And starting in the New Year, we might just have a fresh set of brackets for you. Of what nature? Come back and find out! Plus our usual brand of goofiness will of course continue.

If this is your stop, thanks for joining us and we hope you had a pleasant ride.

We are not sure why, but we have an inkling that you might have something to say on the topic…please do so below!

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62 Responses to “Superhero Smackdown: The Final! Superman vs. The Flash”

  1. avatar 1/4 20 says:
    November 20, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    you guys are awesome. thank you for entertaining me and everyone else (except those whining comic book aficionados) with some damn fine writing. on a side note i would like to apologize for my comment in Attention! (i was a nervous wreck waiting for the finals). again you guys rock! peace love and vicious insults forever.

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    • avatar RobbieRobTown says:
      November 20, 2009 at 12:07 pm

      Not to worry, The Correctness has busy day jobs and must publish our lengthier submissions covertly, between team operations meetings. It was a nail biter for us too.

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  2. avatar The M-Daddy says:
    November 20, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Rob; That was a Cake song reference. You win the ‘Cake Song Reference of the Day’ Award.

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  3. avatar Steve N says:
    November 20, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    If Superman is chasing The Flash how would they end up going to two different pasts?

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  4. avatar Victoria says:
    November 20, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    hmmmmmmmmmm I some how feel tbinns had something to do with superman winning lol.

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  5. avatar Dolaction says:
    November 20, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Superman should have been removed from the get go, just like other superheroes were removed and others were added. And the Flash could have easily defeated anyone with time travel against a foe who cant, so he’s tops in my books.

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  6. avatar MIke says:
    November 20, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    somehow my life is emptier now knowing that its all over…

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  7. avatar netweavr says:
    November 20, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Good to see The Batman won.

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  8. avatar rmac says:
    November 20, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Bonus Round: Superman vs Goku

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  9. avatar sprky says:
    November 20, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    tony,
    piranhas are fresh water fish and can’t live in sea water. douche.
    now screeching eels that would be another story.

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  10. avatar Assman says:
    November 20, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    I await the Super Villain tourney with great anticipation.

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  11. avatar Beerdini says:
    November 20, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Love the Batman ending…

    Now that the heroes are done how about a villains match-up? Lex vs. Dr. Doom, Joker vs Venom or Carnage…something tells me that the symbians would drop their hosts to join with the J-man. Just throwing that out there.

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  12. avatar kaaozz says:
    November 20, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    I’m with Dave. Brains over brawn . You cant kill the bat , he’s the samrtest person on the planet . I like the idea of the bat diety as well. Perhaps we should all be battized

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  13. avatar Kathy says:
    November 20, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    I thought Batman was died in a Warner Brothers cartoon?

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  14. avatar SeriouslyAGeekGirl says:
    November 20, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    *tear* what will I read on fridays now? *studiously ignores the walls of books behind her*

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  15. avatar Kensai says:
    November 20, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Now I want to see the Ultimate Fight

    Batman vs. Chuck Norris

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  16. avatar TomAss says:
    November 20, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    Like most people on the tubernetserweb, I only see what I want to see… and that is

    AQUAMAN & ROBIN WIN!

    Suck on their winnings till it come out your nose bitches!

    Good joooorb guys.

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  17. avatar Kevin C says:
    November 20, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    ahhahahahaa, love it. Supes wins!

    Goku would rock too.

    The Aqua team would bring the smell of fish to the sausage party

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  18. avatar kaaozz says:
    November 20, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    i like the thought of a supervillian smakdown

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  19. avatar kaaozz says:
    November 20, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    i like the thought of a superviilan smakcdown { would bizzaro superman be eligible } . prehaps even a sidekick showdown .

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  20. avatar Zamiel says:
    November 20, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    You maybe shouldn’t do this again until you read a fucking comic book printed in the 21st century.

    `kidding?

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  21. avatar laolao says:
    November 21, 2009 at 7:30 am

    Congrats to the gd Batman.

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  22. avatar The Captain says:
    November 21, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Guys, that was hilarious!!! I’ve never read comics much, but man, I was laughing for twenty minutes straight! Keep up the good work!!

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  23. avatar Ayn Random says:
    November 21, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    It’s kind of unfortunate that the greatest anthropomorphic protagonist ever to be penned is so goddamn vanilla. I mean, “Super-Man”? That’s a literal translation of Nietzsche’s “Übermensch.” Even Hercules-Jesus wouldn’t be able to touch that.

    …Same goes for the much-whined-about Goku and Mr. Manhattan. Simply unclassy.

    The Batman finish: What a twist. Golden.

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  24. avatar Mebert says:
    November 22, 2009 at 4:37 am

    The villians bracket sounds ok, but what about fantasy novell bracket!! Tanis V. Gandalf. Rand V. any of George R.R Martins Incest ridden characters!!!!

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  25. avatar Jay Beezee says:
    November 24, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    who would win between Batman and Chuck Norris?

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  26. avatar Eric says:
    November 26, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    well, I hope lessons have been learned for putting together the villains bracket. How about trying for some recognizable names without straying into overpowered, god-like baddies out of it? Darkseid, Galactus, Zod, and the like should refuse because The Correctness cannot meet their stated appearance fees.

    Hell, I’d even suggest leaving out some of the stonger supervillains as well, like Magneto or Sinestro. Keep it at the Penguin, Kingpin, Doctor Octopus, Riddler level and see what happens. Bonus – you could add Amazo, a serious badass who could take Superman on a good day, but might have some serious problems with Captain Boomerang…

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    • avatar 1/4 20 says:
      November 27, 2009 at 11:09 am

      liking the idea of supervillain smackdown. that or throw out a disney vs. warner brothers brawl. mickey mouse vs. bugs bunny. donald vs. daffy. i have enough faith in your writing to see this being rather amusing. that or you will fail epically. and you also wouldnt have to worry about all the “aficionados” getting upset that so and so beat this other guy in episode whatever and that history is a definitive answer to any question posed today.

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  27. avatar Ringo says:
    November 27, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    WAIT!!

    Green Lantern vs. the Beatles?

    Beatles win with their ace in the hole Yellow Submarine. (not to be confused with our acehole. Here’s a clue for you all… the acehole was Paul)

    Peace & SUPER love

    Ringo

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  28. avatar Ignarus says:
    December 21, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Yeah, this all unfortunately came down to being a commentary on DC’s lack of creativity in use of overpowered superheroes. Definitely need to do a consolation bracket – a sort of JV level superhero showdown, especially if you focus on people with really similar powers…

    ***

    I guess it’s also worth mentioning that you did leave out some of the truly overpowered Marvel characters – Jean Grey as Phoenix, Professor Xavier, Magneto (wasn’t always a villain)… these folks tended to avoid using their full potentials because they had other stuff that was personally more important. I mean, Phoenix had universe-destroying-level power (kinda ate a start system once) and Professor X had mind control and could apparently just up and psionically rip the sentience out of people if they pissed him off (as long as they weren’t wearing helmets…)

    This is one of the reasons Wolverine came out as disproportionately influential in little battles here and there. He was simply more willing to USE the power that he had for all it was worth without being particularly afraid of consequences. His viciousness alone was an advantage he held over the others on a day to day basis, but it’s not going to take him far in a bracketed superhero face-off. Magneto just tore him apart when it mattered…

    It’s a lot like the NBA – hustle-based teams do well in the regular season (when not everyone gives a darn), but don’t win in the playoffs because by then, even Tim freaking Thomas is diving for loose balls.

    So maybe the Marvel-DC imbalance isn’t as crazily out of balance as it seemed… it’s just that the overpowered Marvel folks aren’t usually the main protagonists or have reasons why they don’t use everything they’ve got going for them.

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