Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re into the semi’s! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

Tony

The first question we have to ask is, would Superman be vulnerable to adamantium? He may be the Man of Steel but adamantium can get through the Hulk’s hide it’s not unreasonable to think it could get through Superman’s.

I’m going to need a judgment call on this before I proceed…I’ll have to go with my gut on this and say that adamantium, hard though it is, is not enough on its own to harm Superman. Claws will fail to penetrate Kryptonian flesh.

The Peanut Gallery: Bullshit!!

Quiet, you!!! I’m not done yet.

Now…

I think that Wolverine, in his two days of prep would do well to study this handy flow chart I created for today’s battle.

We can assume, that even though research isn’t his strong suit, Wolvie will want to know a little bit about what he’s getting into. He’s bound to come across the word “Kryptonite” in his research, take the clipping to Hank, who undoubtedly would be able to get his hands on some. Perhaps even weaponize it into a gas or possibly even coat his claws in it via dust or melting or what have you. If that were to happen, and I think we have to allow that it could, with two days prep and all, Wolverines claws are now back in play.

That is , of course if he can get near the Big Blue Boyscout. We have to also assume that reporter Clark Kent would do a little digging of his own. Would he be arrogant and let Wolverine take his best shot and end up being stabbed, or is he smart enough to stay far away from the claws and attack with heat and cold?

I’m going with B) When the buzzer sounds and the crowd roars, Supes is up in the air in no time blasting away with heat vision. This is where it gets ugly. Because I don’t think Superman’s heat vision is enough to melt adamantium, and Wolverine sans Colussus is going to have some trouble getting off the ground to attack.

And like his fellow metal skeletonized ass kicker the Terminator, Wolverine WILL. NOT. GIVE UP.

Three days later after most of the crowd has left, and the judging has started to show up in shifts, Superman would have to resort to throwing an abandoned building on Wolverine. In the silence that follows the horrendous sound of a building landing on top of someone in a semi enclosed space, the weary judges award the fight to Superman.

Supes goes home, has a shower, flips on the TV, chuckles at 30 Rock (Or watches Fox news, he is in all likelihood a republican) and is about to call it a night when the doorbell rings. He answers it and receives a shoulder full of claw, his own heightened reflexes saving him from a worse fate.

“I ain’t done with you yet Bub…next time use a bigger building!”

Supes punches with all his strength (with with an arm full of Kryptonite isn’t much) and manages to knock Wolverine back about 10 feet. Supes takes off to draw him away from civilians. Wolverine follows.

And so it goes, on and an days, weeks… Finally losing all his patience Supes does what the internet nerds have been begging him to do the whole time. He grips Wolvie wrists, and flies to outerspace. Lack of oxygen weakens Wolverine enough to stop struggling, and Supes gives him a one way ticket to the sun.

Winner: Superman.

PS. Or is it? 15 billion years from now there is no earth, as our sun has gone dim, taking with it the source of the man of steels power. Then a particle in space is attracted to another particle in space…and another…slowly regenerating…

Rob:

On the one hand, Superman started out with a simple set of powers that were expanded to suit the needs of the writers (leap tall buildings?), but on the other hand, Wolverine started out with a simple set of powers that were expanded to suit the needs of the writers.

Adamantium is stronger than steel, and therefore stronger than the Man of Steel, so Superman would suddenly be written with heat vision that can melt adamantium. Not so fast, Wolverine can suddenly heal faster than he can be melted! But look out! Superman has swallowed Green Lanternite which he found in a pill box that was in the fortress of solitude, so now he is immune to kryptonite! Not to Worry, Wolverine developed space gills, and now he can breathe in space by converting dark matter into air because of a soul stone sandwich he got while looking for the infinity gauntlet when Dark Phoenix totally blew him. Like, Fully blew him, in space, and made him get gills. Lucky for Supes that he can tape Wolverine’s new space gills shut with space tape especially designed by Wayne Enterprises before Batman died in a Warner Brothers cartoon last week.

Can Wolverine untape his space gills when he is thrown into space by Superman in time? Wolverine sneaks up on CLark Kent by swimming back from space-  by farting dark matter as a propellant-  and stabs Superman in his bathing suit area. Superman dies! But is it Superman? No! It’s Earth 2 Superman! And now, thanks to Logan picking up a symbiant suit , Wolverine fights himself! Can Wolverine stab himself so fast that he can’t heal from it?

Here are some things I know for sure:

1. This fight got to be a total sausage party ever since we got rid of Kitty Pryde.

2. These two fan favourites have been around too long, and have therefore been painted into a corner of dumbness by generations of writers.

I actually imagine the fight a lot like Tony described, with Lazurus fighting Other Lazurus (who has a bandage and a goatee), trapped in between two dimensions forever. Kirk can only wonder about the two of them locked in combat for all time.

Where the hell is Captain James T. Kirk in this smackdown? I would pay real money to see him fight Batman.

I am seriously going to flip a coin.

Heads, Superman wins, Tails Wolverine.

Heads. Superman wins.

Actually, one more thing that is more important than any of that other stuff I said. AT NO POINT in Iron Giant does the Giant say “Wolverine” to evoke an image that makes me cry as he sacrifices himself to save the world. He only says “Superman”, and I cry every damn time. Every time.

Winner: Suuuuuperrrrrmannnn (collides with nuclear missile, Rob cries)

Dave

This is by far the most difficult of the Smackdowns to write, because it’s a pretty clear decision, and Superman is the most boring character in the history of comics. Wolverine is not boring, but has been so completely overexposed by Marvel that no one gives a crap about him anymore. Last I checked, he was in pretty much every group in the Marvel Universe. (And on that line, why is he an Avenger? And why is Spidey one? Marvel sucks so much ass these days, it’s difficult to measure, even with a assuckoscope.

Over the weeks, the virginal geeks of the internet have decided that we planned out the bracket, and that we had a Batman/Superman final planned. This is clearly absurd, as if we were going to plan out the winner, it would NEVER be someone as dull as Superman. (It would have been Kitty Pryde.) We also would have had Deadpool lose to a bystander, as that would enrage the Clearasil crowd to no end. (Deadpool sucks, folks, deal with it.)

As much as I hate every fiber of his boring, uninteresting, never has an interesting storyline in continuity ass, Superman would have no problem dispatching Wolverine.

Winner: Superman

DECISION: SUPERMAN

So it is decided! The final next week will be Superman vs The Flash. Buy your tickets early, as it will be a sellout.

Agree with us below!