Superhero Smackdown Semi Finals: Batman vs. The Flash
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re into the semi’s! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!
The reason I chose a somewhat controversial win for Batman over the Hulk is because of The Ultimates. Cap put an adamantium needle full of tranquilizers into the Hulk, changed him into Banner and that was that. I figured if Cap could do it, Bats certainly could.
But, and this is the key, I think… I don’t know of any way to “Undo” the Flash’s power.
Yes, Batman beat Superman with armour, and outside help and a decent amount of time to prepare. Here he has two days to prepare. We can assume he breaks into the joint and sets up a huge variety of gadgets and traps, but here’s the thing…
I don’t think they are going to work.
Is there anything The Flash can’t vibrate his way out of? Plus his reflexes are so fast that even if he gets caught in one of these things, he can be out of it, a little wiser, and can also scout the place for traps, destroy gadgets, etc in the blink of an eye.
I suppose with someone who studied the art of Deus ex Machina as well as Bruce has there are always possibilities. He could:
-Synthesize some sort of drug that will rob Flash of his powers, maybe slip it into his coffee that morning or some such thing. He’s certainly capable of “Getting” to him off hours. But I would argue that two days is too little time to come up with such a drug.
-Grease the bejesus out of the arena floor, but even when Flash slips and falls, he can still avoid any subsequent attack Bats might make
- Use some kind of sonics to bring him down, but Flash is faster than the speed of sound. The sonics wouldn’t last long
Paranoid as he is, Batman is supposed to have safeguards against all the Justice league members. Perhaps there is some sort of an incident out there in the canon where Bats actually does take the Flash out, but I can’t get my head around how exactly.
Because the sheer physics and the spiraling possibilities blow my mind the more I think about it, I’ve got to say…
Bats is going down
Now… if he had a WEEK to prepare…that would be another matter entirely.
Winner: The Flash
The winner of this fight will be the winner of the all time greatest science fair project in chemistry and relativistic physics. Too bad Peter Parker is already dead.
I tend to agree with TBinns in principal here. I think preparation time is the issue. You see what happens when you insist even we become canonical to ourselves? Batman potentially loses, and that’s no good for anyone, because I think it’s clear which of these heroes would lose in a battle of “who is less fucking awesome”. Batman is much more fucking awesome. The Flash is good at track and field events. Batman is a skilled detective. The Flash is good at track and field events in those ridiculous running shorts. Batman is a frightening sociopath with an agenda. The Flash is good at track and field events, and being roughly taken by confused lonely bikers who also travel at great speed.
So, what kind of trap could Batman build that would defeat the Flash? Could he do it in two days? Well, perhaps.
Nothing nonsuperheroic with mass can move faster than the speed of light. However, something without mass, like light itself, can travel faster under certain circumstances. Recent experiments show that instead of just raising the refractive index of a substance and causing light to move more slowly through it, one can also create a highly unnatural state of matter where the refractive index of a substance is lower than than zero- lower than that of a total vacuum. This is called Gain Assisted Superluminality. In one case, experimenters used a cesium vapour to make light travel faster than the speed of light, so that the pulse of light they send through the cesium vapour left the chamber before it finished entering- Imagine the pulse of light being stretched into an elastic blob of light which snapped into the conclusion of its own emission. I know, we should stick to our tenuous “comedy”. Sit the fuck down, it gets worse.
Batman knows this, he read this article a few years back as well, or Alfred clipped it for him and added it to Bruce Wayne’s “Big book of things I could use to defeat my friends if necessary, because I don’t really have any friends.”. Consequently, Batman buys all the cesium in the world, and builds a chamber for it- a big one. Bats knows he can now shoot The Flash with a laser that is moving faster than the speed of light- it is a guaranteed hit, and he can dissect The Flash easily. They can be regular old commercial lasers used for the cutting of things. Yes, The Flash can move faster than the speed of light, but let’s imagine that the Scarlet Speedster is held to the same relativistic physics of FTL travel as the waves of light are.
Great, now Batman has a room to trap The Flash in, in which a heavy-with-chubby-mass Flash can be sliced and diced like so much Slap Chop (TM).
Batman knows he must get The Flash inside this chamber. He needs bait, like a delicious carrot, or birdseed. Likely, there is a sign on the carrot or birdseed which says “Free Food for Flash”. The Flash cannot resist. But, surely the object in the chamber must survive long enough for the Flash to get there? Cesium is not only exceedingly rare, but is also an alkali metal and is reactive on contact with even the teensiest amount of water. One droplet of condensation or moisture would cause a highly reactive explosion that would damage the chamber, or possibly destroy it. So, the food for flashes must be inside a container of some kind, inside the chamber.
Look, I know The Flash wouldn’t be that desperate for a carrot, so if it helps, imagine instead that inside the chamber is something he wouldn’t be able to resist like, I dunno, a young but rough looking biker dude, same chemical properties apply.
Anyways, The Flash really wants this carrot BAD. He just has to get this carrot inside of him, deep, deep inside of him until the carrot becomes one with his body. So, he has to get in to this chamber. The Flash is still human, and passing through the chamber will cause his lungs to spontaneously catch fire, and this would likely result in death- I asked a paramedic, he said “yes, if your lungs spontaneously combusted, you would die.”
Batman awaits Flash at the top of a desert cliff, overlooking the open stretch of lonely road on which the Cesium Death Chamber is perfectly situated.
From the distance, a cloud of dust on the open road, and with a “Meep Meep!”, and the sound of a jet engine, the Flash arrives outside the chamber, and stands quivering, examining it. His sudden halt produces the sound of a sprung sheet metal panel- Twoing!
Batman leans ever closer to the edge of the cliff, waiting to trigger the device.
Then, suddenly, The Flash goes so fast, he BECOMES INCORPOREAL, HE GETS THE CARROT, HE LEAVES THE CHAMBER, HE TRAVELS IN TIME.
Batman sees the device has been triggered, a sly smile rises on his face, one corner of his mouth at a time, as the sound of a a violin string sliding up is heard for each slow part of Batman’s rare smile.
Suddenly from behind Batman, the sound of pizzicato strings, and The Flash sneaks up on him- plink, plink, plink, PLINK! The Flash taps Batman twice on the shoulder, and Batman turns around slowly.
The Flash waves a silent, hello, deposits a brick inside of Batman’s head, and pushes Batman off the cliff. Bruce Wayne removes his mask, so he can see his predicament. He looks down, and sees no ground beneath him. He does a quick take to the camera , and shrugs, and then attempts to run back to the cliff, kicking his legs wildly. Too late, gravity overtakes him, and he drops a thousand feet to the ground below. Just before the brick inside his head makes his skull pop, he lands on the cesiums chamber, which explodes.
Batman stands aloe on the road, ashen- entirely ashen, he is a pile of ashes with eyes. He removes a tiny cocktail umbrella from his utility belt to protect himself, but it is far too late. The Flash arrives with a “Meep Meep!”, removes a paper fan from his pocket, and while triumphantly munching on his carrot, waves the fan three times and Batman slowly drifts away with the wind, leaving only a furious pair of eyeballs rolling around on the ground, and a bloody brick that was once inside his skull.
With a “Meep Meep!” and a quick coy take to the camera, the Flash is off. You. Can’t. Hit. Something. That. Isn’t. There. And. Can. Time. Travel.
Winner: The Flash.
There’s simply no question here. We have 48 hours before the fight, and if you think that Batman can’t come up with some way to take the Flash out of the equation in that period of time, you’re just not paying attention . He knows that The Flash is very powerful, and difficult to slow down or stop. He also knows that Deathstroke has beaten him, and Deathstroke isn’t 1/10 the genius that bats is.
1. Early on Day One, Batman set s up elaborate traps and explosions designed to move Flash where Bats wants him. He spends the entire morning measuring, checking, rechecking. Flash secretly watches this from a distance.
2. Afternoon/Evening Day One: Batman tests the rig out using a laser simulation, perfects the system, then resets everything.
3. Batman gets a good nights sleep.
4. Day Two: Batman spends entire day fighting Penguin, making out with Catwoman.
5. Battle Time: Batman waits at ground zero. Flash approaches at light speed, from a completely unexpected angle that Batman didn;t take in to account.
6. Batman moves slightly, Flash’s unconscious body flies into nearby wall.
You see, Early on day one, Batman figured out where Flash would be watching from, and laced the entire area with an aspirant that causes paralysis. It doesn’t take effect for say 42 hours. In fact, the fight was over before Batman even finished setting up the traps, which were a decoy. He spent an entire DAY lulling Flash into a sense of security, the entire time knowing that the fight was done.
How did he do this? He’s the God-Damned Batman.
DECISION : THE FLASH
So The Flash moves on to the final, and the whiners who claimed we were fixing this thing to end up Batman/Superman can suck it.
Next week: Wolverine vs Superman!
The Hate starts below!