Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s down to 8, and our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.
Why hello, dear readers, it’s me, you’re friendly neighbourhood Correctness intern, RobbieRobTown. Golly wonkers folks, I am torn as can be about the quarter final match up this week. On the one hand, we have the Incredible Hulk, who, as I am told, is incredible. On the other hand, we have the Batman- not just a batman, but the Batman.
First, there is Bruce Wayne who, as we all recall, was bitten by a radioactive lantern that gave him his powers, and then there is Bruce Banner, who was bitten by Stan Lee’s cat during a drunken college “experiment”. It’s an all Bruce face off! Hot Bruce on Bruce action!
During the first Hulk fight, I told an unrelated story about watching the Hulk on television in Regina, Saskatchewan in the eighties. I would never do something like that to you guys again. I think it was downright irresponsible of me to distract from the very, very, very serious matter of legitimately adjudicating a tangible, and fundamentally important fight between fictional characters. I mean, this is our highest traffic item, by far! God knows, I realize that none of you that are here today will read my Jane Austen piece, which you can find here: http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/the-correctness-book-club-pride-and-prejudice/
I realize now that I have been remiss in my duty to the public. I mean, No, I’m not as much of a comic book nerd as the rest of The Correctness. Yes, the whole idea of the Superhero smackdown was proposed by me as an excuse to have Kitty Pryde win because it seemed funny to me.
Right, so based on my non-canonical argument about Batman in the Dark Knight novels ( and by graphic novels, I mean “comic books”, and by canonical I mean catholic) , since he totally dropped Superman twice, I’m giving this one to Batman based on the same rationale. This is entirely consistent with everything I have ever said, or will ever say, forever, undeniably.
Winner: The Batman
On a gut level, this one seems like a cakewalk for the Hulk. He’s pretty damn powerful. And rage filled. And smart. or not. or is he again? Who the hell can keep up, Marvel can’t seem to make up their minds about the Hulk. So yes, a Juggernaut of power, if you will.
And yet, There’s The Batman. He’s smart, skilled, trained, dangerous, and human. IF the Hulk can get his hands on The Batman, Hulk wins this thing. But my gut tells me that Batman is way too smart, and experienced with big, hulky type guys to get caught. You break a man’s spine once, shame on him…
So in my world, Batman uses his two days to watch the Hulk, learn his patterns, and also to create some devious but simple trap to distract the Hulk. While Hulk is easily escaping this, Batman pulls the second trap, which is probably also a distraction from the actual plan. He KOs the Hulk using sedatives, or electricity or whatever Batman thinks of (See, I’m not as smart as Bruce Wayne, and haven’t worked out every last detail.
All I know is that
Winner : Batman
HULK: HULK WILL SMASH POINTY EARED…Woah Hulk Feel Déjà vu…
BATMAN: That’s right Hulk, We’ve done this before. Early eighties, you, me, Joker, Shaper of Worlds, remember? Although I can’t quite remember who won…
HULK: Hulk think was tie or something
BATMAN: That’s right, back in those days it was always fight for a bit, then team up against the bad guys. Nowadays it’s a real free for all…I remember when I kicked Superman’s ass…
HULK: You beat Blue Man? Hulk no beat Blue Man, Hulk impressed.
BATMAN: I sure did. I beat his ass good, I developed this special armour, used sonics and Kryptonite…why are you smiling?
HULK: Hulk no see armor on pointy eared man…
BATMAN: Oh. OH.
Yes, as you can see by the illustration, the first of our quarter finalists have tangled before. I actually had the comic, as I couldn’t resist seeing two of my very favourites having a go at each other. Plus, as an added bonus it had the Joker, so you couldn’t really go wrong. But they had dialed the Hulk’s powers back significantly, and even then I recall Batman was saying the word “Lucky” a lot. “Lucky I’m able to shift my weight and land correctly, lucky I was able to…yadda yadda yadda”
Now more than ever the question of setting and prep time come into play. Generally speaking, Batman’s history of taking out those who are significantly larger than he is consists of him getting his ass handed to him (Bane, Mutant Leader, Killer Croc) and then learning to fight smarter and beat them the second time around. But there is no second time around here. If Batman has a weakness, it’s that he WANTS to take em out through brute force (“So many lovely ways to hurt them”) so he sometimes rushes in where angels fear to tread.
Or maybe that’s just why I keep dying when I play Arkham Asylum. hmmmm.
Anyway he CAN NOT go toe to toe with The Hulk. That was why I gave the fight to Hulk over Hellboy last time. Hellboy will always come down to a punch out, and Hulk can’t be beaten that way.
But I believe Batman is smarter than that. When we discussed what the situation was, we decided amongst ourselves that this is a gladiatorial style contest, both fighters know what they are getting into but have only a day or two to prepare. So Bruce Wayne can’t rely on Waynetech coming up with its own Hulkbuster armor, there just isn’t enough time.
A little research and some money can certainly add an adamantium hypo chock full of tranquilizers to the old utility belt. If Captain America can do it (And we all know Bats would beat Cap…or do we?) then Batman can certainly do it. All he has to do is stay away, and get one good shot in.
Now having said that, Cap had the rest of the Avengers to keep the Hulk occupied, and he REALLY got a beating laid on him before he brought him down, but I maintain that Batman would do a lot more staying away and choosing his spots. He only has to hit once.
With much reluctance, I’m giving it to Batman: But with the caveat that if this was a “No time to prepare” scenario, Hulk would make the Batman miss the comparatively tender embrace of Bane.
P.S. I want a cool catchphrase like “Golly Wonkers” Rob out cools me again. One day….!!!
Batman moves on to the Semi Finals. Tune in next week to see who will join him. Next up Spider-Man vs The Flash. Let the debasement begin!