Superhero smackdown Quarterfinal: Hulk vs. Batman

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s down to 8, and our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

Rob:

Why hello, dear readers, it’s me, you’re friendly neighbourhood Correctness intern, RobbieRobTown. Golly wonkers folks, I am torn as can be about the quarter final match up this week. On the one hand, we have the Incredible Hulk, who, as I am told, is incredible. On the other hand, we have the Batman- not just a batman, but the Batman.


First, there is Bruce Wayne who, as we all recall, was bitten by a radioactive lantern that gave him his powers, and then there is Bruce Banner, who was bitten by Stan Lee’s cat during a drunken college “experiment”. It’s an all Bruce face off! Hot Bruce on Bruce action!

During the first Hulk fight, I told an unrelated story about watching the Hulk on television in Regina, Saskatchewan in the eighties. I would never do something like that to you guys again. I think it was downright irresponsible of me to distract from the very, very, very serious matter of legitimately adjudicating a tangible, and fundamentally important fight between fictional characters. I mean, this is our highest traffic item, by far! God knows, I realize that none of you that are here today will read my Jane Austen piece, which you can find here: http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/the-correctness-book-club-pride-and-prejudice/

I realize now that I have been remiss in my duty to the public. I mean, No, I’m not as much of a comic book nerd as the rest of The Correctness. Yes, the whole idea of the Superhero smackdown was proposed by me as an excuse to have Kitty Pryde win because it seemed funny to me.

Right, so based on my non-canonical argument about Batman in the Dark Knight novels ( and by graphic novels, I mean “comic books”, and by canonical I mean catholic) , since he totally dropped Superman twice, I’m giving this one to Batman based on the same rationale. This is entirely consistent with everything I have ever said, or will ever say, forever, undeniably.

Winner: The Batman


DAVE

On a gut level, this one seems like a cakewalk for the Hulk. He’s pretty damn powerful. And rage filled. And smart. or not. or is he again? Who the hell can keep up, Marvel can’t seem to make up their minds about the Hulk. So yes, a Juggernaut of power, if you will.

And yet, There’s The Batman. He’s smart, skilled, trained, dangerous, and human. IF the Hulk can get his hands on The Batman, Hulk wins this thing. But my gut tells me that Batman is way too smart, and experienced with big, hulky type guys to get caught. You break a man’s spine once, shame on him…

So in my world, Batman uses his two days to watch the Hulk, learn his patterns, and also to create some devious but simple trap to distract the Hulk. While Hulk is easily escaping this, Batman pulls the second trap, which is probably also a distraction from the actual plan. He KOs the Hulk using sedatives, or electricity or whatever Batman thinks of (See, I’m not as smart as Bruce Wayne, and haven’t worked out every last detail.

All I know is that

Winner : Batman

TONY

HULK: HULK WILL SMASH POINTY EARED…Woah Hulk Feel Déjà vu…

BATMAN: That’s right Hulk, We’ve done this before. Early eighties, you, me, Joker, Shaper of Worlds, remember? Although I can’t quite remember who won…

HULK: Hulk think was tie or something

BATMAN: That’s right, back in those days it was always fight for a bit, then team up against the bad guys. Nowadays it’s a real free for all…I remember when I kicked Superman’s ass…

HULK: You beat Blue Man? Hulk no beat Blue Man, Hulk impressed.

BATMAN: I sure did. I beat his ass good, I developed this special armour, used sonics and Kryptonite…why are you smiling?

HULK: Hulk no see armor on pointy eared man…

BATMAN: Oh. OH.

Yes, as you can see by the illustration, the first of our quarter finalists have tangled before. I actually had the comic, as I couldn’t resist seeing two of my very favourites having a go at each other. Plus, as an added bonus it had the Joker, so you couldn’t really go wrong. But they had dialed the Hulk’s powers back significantly, and even then I recall Batman was saying the word “Lucky” a lot. “Lucky I’m able to shift my weight and land correctly, lucky I was able to…yadda yadda yadda”

Now more than ever the question of setting and prep time come into play. Generally speaking, Batman’s history of taking out those who are significantly larger than he is consists of him getting his ass handed to him (Bane, Mutant Leader, Killer Croc) and then learning to fight smarter and beat them the second time around. But there is no second time around here. If Batman has a weakness, it’s that he WANTS to take em out through brute force (“So many lovely ways to hurt them”) so he sometimes rushes in where angels fear to tread.

Or maybe that’s just why I keep dying when I play Arkham Asylum. hmmmm.

Anyway he CAN NOT go toe to toe with The Hulk. That was why I gave the fight to Hulk over Hellboy last time. Hellboy will always come down to a punch out, and Hulk can’t be beaten that way.

But I believe Batman is smarter than that. When we discussed what the situation was, we decided amongst ourselves that this is a gladiatorial style contest, both fighters know what they are getting into but have only a day or two to prepare. So Bruce Wayne can’t rely on Waynetech coming up with its own Hulkbuster armor, there just isn’t enough time.

However…

A little research and some money can certainly add an adamantium hypo chock full of tranquilizers to the old utility belt. If Captain America can do it (And we all know Bats would beat Cap…or do we?) then Batman can certainly do it. All he has to do is stay away, and get one good shot in.

Now having said that, Cap had the rest of the Avengers to keep the Hulk occupied, and he REALLY got a beating laid on him before he brought him down, but I maintain that Batman would do a lot more staying away and choosing his spots. He only has to hit once.

With much reluctance, I’m giving it to Batman: But with the caveat that if this was a “No time to prepare” scenario, Hulk would make the Batman miss the comparatively tender embrace of Bane.

P.S. I want a cool catchphrase like “Golly Wonkers” Rob out cools me again. One day….!!!

Decision: Batman

Batman moves on to the Semi Finals. Tune in next week to see who will join him. Next up Spider-Man vs The Flash. Let the debasement begin!

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46 thoughts on “Superhero smackdown Quarterfinal: Hulk vs. Batman

  1. Your humor is subpar and honestly it doesn’t appear you people even know jack about the characters you’re pitting agaisnt one another until every friday.

    Give it up. Find a new line of work/hobby.

  2. In JLA/Avengers, Batman states that Captain America would beat him in a fight, but it would take more time than they had, so they should let the rest of the JLA and Avengers continue duking it out while the two of them teamed up to figure out what the hell was going on.

  3. You guys are tarded… There is no way batman can beat hulk. He can dodge him all day but that makes him madder. He can hit him with anything and that makes him madder. Madder hulk gets stronger hulk gets.

    • Or Batman would chill, let him calm down, and kill the crap out of him when he turns back into Bruce Banner. Hell, he has a fortune to fall back on to save him.

      • No. The main reason given for Batman beating the Hulk is because Bats is “smarter.” Well, that doesn’t do much against an opponent that can survive a nuclear blast at ground zero. Now, if Batman just let the Hulk calm down and revert back to Bruce Banner, that wouldn’t do any good either. Remember kids, Banner is one of the 8 smartest people on the planet. He’s a hell of a lot “smarter” that Bruce Wayne. So, either way, Wayne/Batman loses. Easy.

  4. Hey guys, I think Hulk wins based on this ability to be way more green the Batman, and everyone is rooting for a greener world these days…

  5. Hmmmm, at first glance this seems like a sure-fire win for the Hulk. I mean, from what we’ve seen so far, teh Hulk is teh indestructible. The more you try to pummel him, the madder he gets and thus the more powerful he gets. Not even the vacuum of space can kill him, as no matter how extreme the environment, he just Hulkily adapts from anger.

    Plus, while Batty has handed the son of Jor-El (had to look up the proper spelling on that one) a big fat can-o-whoopass before, his victory is mainly due to Superman’s achilles heel, kryptonite. Without that weakness, I doubt Batman would’ve come out on top (and yes I’m aware of Supe’s other weakness to red sun rays, but the argument is still the same, so shut up).

    The point is, from what we’ve seen so far, or at least from how the Hulk is now currently portrayed, as far as I can tell, the Hulk has no weakness other than when he’s is Banner form. That, is the only time he can actually be killed. So this battle, as far as I see it, can only go to El Palo-Hombre is he can somehow figure out a way to revert Hulk back into his weaker alter ego. Which would require a plan, and no one does plans better than Batman.

    I’m sure Bats could think of several ways accomplish this, but I’m going to go with him figuring out a way to sooth the savage beast raging inside Hulk.

    And how would he accomplish this you might ask? By getting the Hulk/Banner laid. Think about it, why else would he be so damned ticked all the time, ready to “Hulk-out” at the drop of the spoon? The man needs a BJ dammit!

    So, Batman shows up to the fight, with Poison Ivy in tow (having offered her freedom is she’ll do him a favor, by performing a “favor”, if you know what I mean). Hulk is standing there, not sure why Ivy is there (I’m thinking of the version from the recent Arkham Asylum game) but getting a severe major Hulk-on from the sight of her. Batman then calmly turns around, and simply leaves the arena, leaving Ivy to work her charms.

    Ivy then, using her hot body, green hue, whore’ish allure (come’on, just look at her), and literally intoxicating aroma, proceeds to get Hulk to become calm and charmed enough to de-Hulkify into Banner, then proceeds to show him a really good time, all the while poisoning him until he’s dead. It works because of one simple fact. Even if the Hulk is the smart version of himself for this fight, all men drop to an IQ only slightly above zero when the little head takes over for the big one. And since no man can get angry while getting a BJ (this is a scientifically proven fact btw), Hulk’s main defense (his anger) is canceled out, meaning that even though Banner would slowly be being poisoned to death, he would have no alternative but to die with a smile on his face. Which he would.

    Winner-The Freak’in Batman (because he’s the Freak’in Batman!!)

    Loser-Poison Ivy (because Hulk/Banner probably hasn’t showered for months, and because we all know Batman would just recapture her within a day of two anyway)

    • Whoah! That is a fully unexplored direction of logic. Stay tuned for our “Superhero Lesbian Make out smackdown” coming soon!

  6. you guys are stupid… this has nothing to do with powers or anything at all… not even ironman who is a billionaire like bruce wayne could beat the hulk…

    • That’s a funny name…”You Guys Are Stupid”…spiteful AND full of fail. And Batman is

      A.) Not an alcoholic
      B.) More cunning and
      C.) The Friggin’ Batman

  7. Lord I hate Batman fanboys. Especially fan-ficing Batman fanboys. Your whole rationale seems to be “since Batman doesn’t actually have Jack Squat in the Superpowers department, he must therefore be unbeatable!”

  8. Strong dumb people are beaten at whatever by smart , not so dumb people all the time. Hmm, ever heard the phrase ‘can’t hit what you can’t see’ ? Was invented by a smart guy that took down a dumb guy. All the muscle in the world can’t rub two clues together. Neanderthals were very strong, tough and cunning. See any? No. Cro Magnons wiped them out with their big fat Heads!

  9. Batman will just use tranquilizers to put the Hulk down while dodging everything Hulk throws at him.
    He wouldn’t stand toe-to-toe against Hulk.

    • HOW DARE YOU! After all the work we put in, every time we post something, it’s like “oh, you guys aren’t even trying” or “You guys have sex with goats”.

      Oh, wait.

      Oh.

      Thanks.

  10. LAME

    You guys give batman 2 days and all the crap he might possibly come up with but you managed to give Deadpool nothing at all against Kitty.

    Don’t get me wrong. I asked Chris Claremont years ago who could beat magneto and he said Kitty. But that is offtopic.

    If you guys are going to do this, and I know you all are trying to have some fun, and bounce ideas around.

    Would it hurt to be fair and have the same restrictions for all characters involved?

    Anyways, keep up the work. However wrong you may or may not be, it is still pretty fun to read for the most part. Well except when that one got phoned in.

  11. Hulk is a fag… get over it. Having a power that requires you stay mad is quite possibly the lamest power of all times. AND THE BATMAN is amazing BECAUSE he has no superpower. Being a trillionaire is a superpower that’s what America is all about! ;)

  12. If this were an Adam West Batman, I just don’t see how Hulk could stay mad enough to keep it going…

    Still, Bruce Banner would probably be able to take out the campy 70′s Batman in a fight…

  13. All wrong sorry guys….

    all it takes it 3 words…

    World War Hulk

    nothing batman could think up in a month let alone 2 days would do the job…

  14. Hulk is a force of nature. Batman is a man. Man cannot beat a hurricane or tornado as such. Man can only SURVIVE the encounter to be attacked again. I’m sorry, but the Batgod cannot and will not beat the Hulk, unless the writer makes it so. End of Line.

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