Superhero Smackdown Quarter Finals: Kitty Pryde vs. Wolverine
- Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.
QuarterFinal: Wolverine vs Shadowcat
(ED: For the Quarterfinals and beyond, we assume the combatants have some knowledge of the others existence and powers. We assume they have about 2 days notice of the impending battle.)
DAVE
The hardest of the fights so far, student vs mentor. Kitty spent a lot of time under Logan’s wing, and knows a lot about how he operates. She’s an extremely intelligent woman, and a skilled fighter. She was trained in the ways of the ninja and can hold her own in a fight. She’s a great tactician, and has a fire breathing dragon for a pet. Oh, and she can walk through walls and make things incorporeal.
Wolverine is the embodiment of fierceness and aggression. He’s been in more scraps than most (way more), and has seen a lot of things in his day. With the near-unbreakable skeleton and the healing factor, he’s very difficult to stop. He doesn’t quit, he has tons of stamina, and claws that can cut through pretty much anything.
here’s how this plays out:
Kitty walks out into the middle of an abandoned lot, kneels on the ground and waits. Logan walks up.
LOGAN: Heya kiddo. How ya keeping.
KITTY: I’m good Logan. You?
LOGAN: Can’t complain. Look, I don’t like this any more than you, but this is the way it has to go down. I’m sorry darlin’, I love you. (pops claws) Snikt.
KITTY: No Logan. You’re wrong. That’s not how it’s going down.
LOGAN: Look kid, you know and I know there’s no way that you can hurt me, and you can’t phase through me without hurting yourself.
KITTY: You know Logan, you’re the best fighter I know, and you’re right, there is no way I can phase through you, or outfight you. That’s why I brought this. (Opens hand, showing a small cylinder with a red button on the top).
LOGAN: You’re gonna blow us up?
KITTY: (with a tear in her eye). Nope. CLICK
Kitty presses the button and phases underground. At the same time, a tremendous thrumming noise is heard, and part of a nearby wall crumbles away, revealing a 2 story high supermagnet. Logan looks, confused, then his eyes widen and he is launched through the air, slamming into the magnet, where he remains, immobile.
Kitty reappears, walks over to the magnet, and smiles at Logan.
KITTY: I have this sword made of Antarctic Vibranium, which we both know can liquify your adamantium skeleton. But we also both know I’m not going to use it. In fact, in order for me to win this battle, I’d have to hurt you, which we both know I’m not going to do. So here it is: I yield.
LOGAN: What? But, you have me where you want me.
KITTY: Logan, that magnet can’t hold you forever. In fact, it’s drawing so much power, the neighborhood is already starting to brown out. Like everyone, you underestimated me. My plan was never to beat you. It was to make sure you didn’t beat me. I don’t really want to die.
LOGAN: So you’re giving up?
KITTY: Listen, when I heard we had to fight, I did some research. The website was ridiculously easy to break in to, and I saw the previous decisions, and the upcoming bracket. I’ve seen what’s coming, and if anyone has a chance from our universe, it’s you. By virtue of that, and the fact that I can’t actually win, I give up.
The magnet stops, Logan falls to the ground.
LOGAN: So what now?
KITTY: You have to win. By the rules, you have to incapacitate me. You just needed a little reminder of what could have happened if you ever piss me off.
Logan smiles
LOGAN: You’re one hell of a woman, kiddo.
KITTY: I had a great teacher. No bruises on the face, please.
Logan cuffs Kitty across the back of the head. She slumps down, unconscious.
Winner: Wolverine
ROB:
Oh my holy-fuck-in-a-bucket, Dave, that was the gayest thing you have ever penned. Like, I know you wrote “Admin_Rock’s Guide to the Gayest Shit You’ll Ever Hear In Your Life” but that limited run self publication was not even 1/4 as gay as this. And I don’t mean schoolyard gay, I mean homosexual. And, just to be perfectly clear, I know, and am friends with many homosexual individuals, and that traipse through the daisies you shat upon our website was stereotype-reinforcing gay. The kind of gay that Broadway wishes it wasn’t sometimes so that people wouldn’t criticize them for being too gay.
Now, on to my highly relevant stats from my 1990 Marvel cards:
Kitty Pryde, AKA Shadowcat, is 5’4″, which is an inch taller than Logan is. That’s right Marvel says so. Advantage, Kitty.
Logan, apparently weighs only 195 pounds, which means adamantium is an unusually light metal, and possibly an alkali metal, and possible reactive when exposed to water, or his own innards. Logically, Wolverine can’t exist because of the incontrovertible scientific evidence that adamantium is just like cesium. . I know what you are thinking, how come adamantium is unrealistic, but a teenage babe turned young adult heroin who can become incorporeal is okay? Because, that’s why. Advantage, Kitty
As of 1990, Kitty had a 57% win ratio, whereas Wolvie had a 64% win ratio in battles. Wolvie usually fights Marvel’s most sinister bad guys, and they never face the really tough guys off against Kitty. Logicaly, they never make Kitty Pryde fight the awesomest super villains because she would kick too much ass. Advantage, Kitty.
Here is how this goes down.
1. Kitty and Wolverine fight, even though they have no reason to.
2. Kitty phases Logan’s adamantium-bone-free penis right off his body.
3. A suddenly wangless Wolverine must painfully attempt to re-heal his doodle, using his XXX healing factor.
Plus, I’ve been saying you can’t hit something that isn’t there. Sure, adamantium might be troubling for Kitty, and cause her great pain, but she is fighting to the totally non-gay death (Admin Rock?) and some short term pain would still allow her to phase Wolvie into the centre of the earth, which is seriously magnetic, and short on oxygen.
Also, adamantium would surely melt at centre-of-the-earth, because they left adamantium in a open topped forge in the Wolverine prequel, so it must melt at just over room temperature, or with common household or industrial heating devices. In fact, based on the science of the recent Wolverine flick, Kitty could just point her hair dryer at Logan, and his adamantium skeleton would melt- Otherwise, he would have evaporated that whole tank of water they built him in, right? I mean, it HAS to have a melting point below the boiling point of water. Healing factor aside, if something gets hotter than the boiling point of water, it makes the water heat up and boil. No?
Finally, at no point was Ellen Page cast to play Wolverine, and that is where my real alliance is.
Winner: By Belief in the Great Radioactive Lantern: Kitty “Shadowcat” Pryde.
Loser: The writers of the Wolverine prequel.
- TONY
The real question here is, how do we get these two to fight? We didn’t come here to watch these two catch up on old times, then team up to beat the rest of the brackets. (Or did we…? That might actually be more fun) No dammit we came here for a fight!
So maybe Wolverine makes fun of Twilight which engenders rage in many young women , or Kitty makes fun of the opening number in the Oscars and makes a few gay jokes. Maybe mind control, or some such thing, it doesn’t matter. For our purposes we need them to fight and they are going to, so spare us the “They would never fight each other” shtick.
There has been some mention of Kitty being unable to phase when she’s wet. This opens up a bunch of opportunities for plenty of inappropriate jokes (I guess she couldn’t phase during a Jonas Brother’s concert, for instance) and it would also be a very short fight if Aquaman was still in the bracket. But my research didn’t really turn anything up about her losing her abilities in water. I did read something in the comments section about Sentinels dousing her with heavy water, which even if it didn’t stop her phasing would definitely do her in. 10 years later, but still, pretty insidious. I also read that she has trouble phasing through adamantium
Aha!
Now one of the ways Wolverine can die is suffocation, so grab and phase into the earth… Boom,! Wolvie all done. BUT IF she has trouble phasing adamantium, she would have trouble phasing his entire skeletal structure. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, and saying she could phase him, she can only go down into the earth as long as she could hold her breath. And adamantium claws are pretty good for digging your way out of tight spots I should think. Plus if they are both phased, one assumes he can hit her which is what I was saying back at the Deadpool fight.
Bottom line, if adamantium causes her pain when she phases through it, We can assume that the claws will do some damage,(Although not as much as someone who couldn’t phase out) while she has no real way to hurt someone with such a MASSIVE healing factor.
And besides, I don’t even think she won the last fight. Come to think of it, I voted for Spawn to beat Wolverine in the last bracket too. Shows you what I know. And also that nobody around here listens to me.
I’m definitely giving this to Wolverine.
Winner: Wolverine
DECISION: WOLVERINE
So Wolverine moves on to the next round, as the last best hope for the Marvel Universe. Tune in next week to see whether he takes on Superman or Wonder Woman.
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Dave’s post was too much, i was laughing my arse off.
wolvie is the last best hope for marvel and he’s talking on either Supes or Wonder Woman, both of whom can toss wolvie into the sun…good luck wolvie.
anon(Quote) (Reply)
Oh my holy-fuck-in-a-bucket, Dave, that was the gayest thing you have ever penned.
netweavr(Quote) (Reply)
Weird, cuz RobbieRobTown was voted “Most Likely to be Gay” at The Correctness awards last month.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
I was given the award by three time recipient Admin_Rock, who also received the “Lifetime Achievement in Unfathomable Gayness” award. Sorry to intrude on your comment, Netweavr.
RobbieRobTown(Quote) (Reply)
Well, those who can’t do, give awards. You probably missed that part when you were chowing down on all that cock.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
Thanks for the tip- OF YOUR DICK! GAY!
RobbieRobTown(Quote) (Reply)
Whoa, get out of my comment and into a room you two.
It’s not my fault that the gayness of Dave’s post was contagious.
NTTAWWT
netweavr(Quote) (Reply)
If she has trouble phasing through adamantium, it seems to me to be no problem. She grabs Wolverine, phases the bits of him that will phase, and pulls them down into the earth, leaving a dead wolverine in the ground and a pristine metal skeleton on the street.
runeman11(Quote) (Reply)
I came here to say the same thing as Runeman. And just think what you could get for a real Wolvie skeleton on Ebay
Michael(Quote) (Reply)
Just phase the flesh, and the skeleton falls out, while his body is regrowing the bones, drop him 100′ under the earth. Done. It’s the same as deadpool, +1 step.
Sky(Quote) (Reply)
Pretty sure Marvel already talked about this one btw, I can’t find the link but, iirc, Shadowcat wins by phasing her hand into Wolverine’s skull then un-phasing.
She loses her hand but his brain can’t heal because her hand is in the way.
netweavr(Quote) (Reply)
They did. It was one of their “What If” issues where Wolverine stayed mind controlled by the Hydra. Basically it was a draw. Kitty phased Wolverines hand into his head, but he disembowled her.
Robert(Quote) (Reply)
Why just phase that brick everyone keeps talking about into his head? Also, tie it to a broom handle or something so she never has to touch the adamantium. Anyway, he’d still heal from that. His body would just reorganize his brain to work around the brick. Hell, we only use 10% of it anyway, just condense that down and you’re set.
Bhockzer(Quote) (Reply)
Recent evidence suggests that we use most of our brains all of the time, and that regions of our brain are constantly competing for resources with other regions. I stand by my brick thing.
RobbieRobTown(Quote) (Reply)
The we only use 10% of our brain thing is a myth that really needs to die.
We use 100% of our brain, just not all at the same time.
Every part has a use and function, but you are not using every part all the time.
Dr Science(Quote) (Reply)
It would seem we both disagree with this 10% tidbit, but I hope that doesn’t leave you feeling too sassed. I was once sassed for capitalizing e. e. cummings name on a poetry blog.
RobbieRobTown(Quote) (Reply)
That’s horseshit, if you leave a foreign body inside your own, your body does it’s best to break it down (splinters, etc)
Assuming that Wolvie’s healing power covers that task too, then leaving something in his head, especially something organic, would be a temporary fix at best. [/nerdrage]
RocknRolldr(Quote) (Reply)
I liked it.
Evan(Quote) (Reply)
I never had much use for Wolvie. I would not have been upset with Kitty winning this one, but I understand your logic here. (Logic+comics=sigh)
I would like to merely request for when Supes is up next, that Wonder Woman remember that The Boy Scout has a severe allergy to Magic. That is all.
Streetwraith(Quote) (Reply)
“And I don’t mean schoolyard gay, I mean homosexual. And, just to be perfectly clear, I know, and am friends with many homosexual individuals, and that traipse through the daisies you shat upon our website was stereotype-reinforcing gay. The kind of gay that Broadway wishes it wasn’t sometimes so that people wouldn’t criticize them for being too gay.”
Someone is low on his anal attention needs. Sing out there Sister!
Kathy(Quote) (Reply)
Um wouldn’t Kitty just phase the ground underneath Wolverine, get a milk shake and move on to the next opponent?
Zombie(Quote) (Reply)
You’re all assuming that Shadowcat could get close enough to touch, let alone phase into Wolverine. He wouldn’t let her get that close. Since they have a ‘teacher/student’ relationship, he also would know her weaknesses. Logan wins!
ram.1500(Quote) (Reply)
Rob and Runeman are right, Kitty just has to phase Wolverine into the ground. Mutant healing or no, he’s toast. Dave would kill them both, though, with ultra gayness which we all know is the most fabulous power evar.
Bucephalos(Quote) (Reply)
Ram has a good point that Kitty has to get close enough to phase Wolverine. However, Wolverine also has to get close to do his thing. My opinion stands.
Bucephalos(Quote) (Reply)
They already fought in “Kitty Pryde and Wolverine.” She kicked his ass.
Killglance(Quote) (Reply)
God dammit, Rob. Once Adamantium is cooled, it’s impossible for it to melt. Even at the center of the Earth. Please don’t use the films as your canonical reference. For Christ’s sake. Wolverine survived an atomic bomb near the epicenter.
The only way Wolverine can be killed is for him to be decapitated by the Muramasa blade and for his head to be placed WAY far away from his body so the tissues won’t regenerate. OR! To be weakened by exposure to Carbonadium and then killed by some other means.
Or lack of oxygen ie drowning or being buried alive. That’s only in theory, though. Biologically speaking, if his body were to be recovered, I think he could come back to life. When you drown or suffocate, it’s because your cells don’t get the oxygen required and they die. It is conceivable for his body to be recovered, and there be adequate oxygen absorption through his skin or say a false breathing apparatus was put onto him, and he could come back to life. Point being, once the minimal level of oxygen required for life sustenance hits him, he should be able to heal himself. Not unlike keeping someone on life support until they recover.
@ Netweavr: Even if his brain was phased into and out of his head or whatever that you’re saying…it doesn’t matter. His tissue replication starts in his DNA. And if no tissue is left, then it starts in his bone marrow, which are inside his bones, which are bonded with indestructible Adamantium. He can regenerate his brain tissues.
The only conceivable way that I can imagine Wolverine being killed is…well…I don’t know how exactly yet. But I’m certain The Sentry, if he wasn’t an unstable nutcase, would be capable of it.
TheRuffler(Quote) (Reply)
Wait, the films aren’t canon? that’s like saying the films are kinda dumb- you aren’t saying that, are you? I’ve seen them all… OH GOD! I WASTED MY LIFE!
RobbieRobTown(Quote) (Reply)
So you’re saying if he was taken down to just the adamantium skeleton he could regenerate fully? how would the tissues from the bone marrow grow through the adamantium?
Michael(Quote) (Reply)
I don’t know but it happened and its canon.
Dr Science(Quote) (Reply)
He could grip it by the husk!
King Arthur(Quote) (Reply)
Stupid. Kitty already killed Wolverine once – recently – in the Marvel canon. She simply phased her fist into Wolverine’s brain and then solidified it. probably ended up killing her too.
She could also wait underground for him, then phase an object up into him and solidify it there, holding him in place until she, for example, solidified a car engine block in his head.
Moses Hongistolo(Quote) (Reply)
please oh please update the bracket cause im kinda lost as to where we are at .. and YAY WOLVERINE
1/4 20(Quote) (Reply)
Will do, TBinns is out of town, and he’s buddypalfriends with out graphics guy- unless it would be okay if I typed something and then posted a xerox, or some such.
RobbieRobTown(Quote) (Reply)
Xeroxes are unacceptable! What could you possibly be thinking?!
And by that I mean yes please.
SeriouslyAGeekGirl(Quote) (Reply)
Marvel Comics already answered this question in the Kitty Pride vs. Wolverine 6-issue mini-series back in the late 80s. Basically, Kitty Pride could, would and in fact *did* beat the crap out of Wolverine.
Mike C.(Quote) (Reply)
i always assumed that adamantium was made by some kind of binding process where it didn’t exist before the various ingredients mixed with each other, at which point you would have a fairly brief window in which to manipulate it before it set – after which point it couldn’t be melted again. i don’t recall if there is any evidence for this or if that’s just the story my mind concocted around adamantium to maintain my flimsy suspension of disbelief.
paraffinshot(Quote) (Reply)
The thing about this showdown is that it already happened. Kitty Pryde pretty much gutted Wolverine.
Mortis(Quote) (Reply)
Only one thing… with only 2 days notice of the fight how did Kitty get a giant magnet placed inside a building?
The over night shipping charge on her credit card is going to kill her in the long run.
Uncle Soondead(Quote) (Reply)
http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r11/pyreplay/ODDITIES/newexilesdamnkitty.jpg
Marvel canon
netweavr(Quote) (Reply)
WOW! I give her the I can phase faster and a gun shot sure (instick power kicks in) but phasing out to miss getting hit but phasing part of what hitting you so that it disconects with the main part of the object AND it being adamantium.
Why is it always in Marvel the dumb characters end up being Gods? Jubilee, Sentry, Multiple Man (Ultimate verse), and now (for me) Shadowcat.
No wonder I stopped reading
Uncle Soondead(Quote) (Reply)
All you pussies who claim “Kitty already beat him, she kicked his butt, yada, yada, yada” Two points here, 1. These are different folks conducting these battles, so the result is bound to be different, and 2. go back and re-read that “Kitty Pryde vs Wolverine” mini-series again. In fact, read everything you can about these two. You will discover that in the Marvel version of the battle, Wolverine, even on the subconscious level, just WOULDN’T fight her at full ferocity, and THAT is why he lost the previous battle. THIS battle is pitting each characters’ strengths and weaknesses, and though Kitty’s phase ability is awesome, her weakness regarding Adamantium pretty much nullifies it against Wolverine. Without that, Kitty can’t hold her own against Wolverine’s ferocious fighting ability. Wolverine is the only possible winner in this battle.
imagol4(Quote) (Reply)
Phase underground, shove stick up his ass, and while he is healing put a rock in his head. He had an adamantium skull so the rock can’t heal it’s way out of the skull and unless he can live with a rock in his head then he is down forever.
Thrasher(Quote) (Reply)
I’m looking forwards to seeing Superman kick Wolverine’s arse. The spaceman may be unstoppable, but at least people don’t think he’s the badarsesed thing since Rambo
Dylan Fox(Quote) (Reply)
True – but – Bugs Bunny ALWAYS wins.
Even against the Bat Man, even against the Spaceman.
Bugs would probably get Supes to beat himself up after Bugs dresses up like Lois Lane and hands him a candy box filled with Kryptonite laced fire crackers.
’cause Bugs doesn’t even need to plan – he can just pull crap out of thin air.
Kathy(Quote) (Reply)
This is pretty much the same thing as the Deapool fight, except Kitty couldn’t use a giant Magnet on Deadpool. So why does Wolvie win if we have already established that Kitty can beat absolutely anyone? We’re looking at a popularity contest here…people didn’t want Deadpool to win because they don’t like him, not because he wouldn’t stand an equal chance as Wolvie (after all, DP’s healing factor is even greater). Wolvie is obviously a favorite and so we have him win? Lame.
Rich(Quote) (Reply)
Just to point out, Wolverine is 300 pounds with the Adamantium, 195 WITHOUT. Adamantium is actually quite heavy for a metal.
Nezu Chiza(Quote) (Reply)
In addition to the battles mentioned above, there was one time Wolverine had become Apocalypse’s Horseman of Death. He tried to attack Kitty to no avail, as she was intangible… but then Wolvie/Death noticed she was still standing ON the GROUND and stabbed her through the feet.
Ow.
So Wolvie COULD pull it.
Steele(Quote) (Reply)
Though I disagree, she could just shove a rock inside his head and even his healing powers can’t push the rock through adamantium so it would just sit inside his head and keep him dead, I think it was a good article and won’t complain like the rest of the fan boys from the deadpool article.
Thrasher(Quote) (Reply)
Aquaman & Robin for the WIN!!!!!
Tomass(Quote) (Reply)
Nice, Dave. Realistic book-worthy dialogue for the characters. Nothing ghey about it. Then again, I don’t let Hardee’s and Twix commercials tell me what kind of a man I’m supposed to be. That’s my wife’s job.
“Blam! You all got a taste of the Bitch Pudding.”
MSTRefugee(Quote) (Reply)