Superhero Smackdown Week 3: Superman vs Iron Man

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

Superman vs Iron Man

(Editor’s Note: To the douchebag on Fark who couldn’t figure out from the images and the constant references by name that we were talking about Hal Jordan last week because we didn’t specify that in that in the title, for our purposes, Iron Man is Tony Stark. Not James Rhodes, not Ozzy Ozbourne, not even your mom.)

Rob: Well, straight out of the gate we need to clear a few things up. Firstly, it’s pretty clear the Man of Steel isn’t made of steel, and Iron Man isn’t made of iron. This is a metallurgical nightmare. Both of these guys are probably other types of alloys, and fridge magnets may or may not stick to them.

Next, on a more serious note, and since I don’t want to be accused of having no genitals again, nor the ability to seduce a woman- both of which are irrefutably true, but irrelevant to my opinion as a comedian- I have some concerns about just how strong Superman is. Supes is either somewhere on the scale between a very, very strong human being, or omnipotently strong in a Greek God kind of way. In various mediums, Superman has been punched hard by humans and rattled, or he has been totally unaffected. I’m saying this because, either the Iron Man suit would make this fight interesting, or Superman would crush Tony Stark inside of the suit like an aluminum can filled with styrofioam- No, I don’t know why in this simile the aluminum can is filled with styrofoam. Maybe it’s because the Nerdosphere knows I have no genitals, and so I have time to fill aluminum cans with styrofoam and crush them just for shits and giggles.

And, lest we forget,  we’re leaving aside whether kindly ‘ol Kal-El would actually hurt someone to death- again, this is Friday Night Fight, not Sunday Tea and Biscuits. Again though, we’re presuming Supes in in a killy mood.

So, taking into account that it is hard to judge just how strong Superman is, and just how melty is x-ray/heat vision is, and just how much oxygen is in Iron man’s suit, this could be interesting. Nonetheless, if we look at Superman’s most awesome moments, and assume those are the standard, we’re going to have to assume Super Man wins. Oh, Of course Tony Stark has the financial abillity for find lots of Kryptonite too, but even so…

Decision: Superman

Dave: Well, it’s a sad day for Iron Man. As with all brackets, there are bound to be some early mismatches. That’s what makes the whole bracket concept work. Iron Man had the bad luck to square off against the Super Hero of Super Heros. He’s wishing he could have taken on Daredevil (but who isn’t?). For the sake of argument, let’s give Tony Stark a fighting chance. Let’s say he knows about Superman, that he knows about the Kryptonite thing. Tony Stark flies out into space and procures some big K. he flies back to Earth, and stands just behind the Kryptonite, encased in lead, waiting for Supes. As he stands there, gloating, telling Superman about how he knows about this weakness, Superman grabs Iron Man, and takes him back into orbit, in say, a fifth of a second. Assuming a fight to the death, Tony Stark becomes fuel for the Sun moments later.

That’s a best case scenario for Iron Man. Besides, Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr’s charm aside) is a huge, government registration program loving douchebag, and The Avengers are boring as shit.

Superman takes this without even wrinkling the tights.

Decision: Superman

TONY:

IRON MAN: You’re the man of Steel huh? Well I’m the man of Iron and THESE are my kryptonite laced REPULSOR RAYS!!!

SUPERMAN: Great Caesar’s Ghost!!!!

IRON MAN: Really? You say that? Without irony?

SUPERMAN: Cut me some slack, I was raised in Kansas

IRON MAN: When I’m done kicking your ass here, I’m going to get my publicity department to work on a better catchphrase for you.

SUPERMAN: I’m actually more famous than you. Without a publicity department. And you’re starting to annoy me and that is a collossally bad idea.

IRON MAN: Who’s the brunette in the stands…? One of yours? nice…I like em with a little spunk.

SUPERMAN: Oh, it’s on, Iron Bitch

Again, I am making the assumption that Tony is given time to research and create a “Supermanbuster” armor complete with Kryptonite repulsor rays, and perhaps even made of a Kryptonite alloy. Surely no disagrees that he has the resources, and the smarts to do this. This has been done to Supes twice before, and it only worked once, and the guy in the suit was Batman. And even he had to feign death to capitalize on his advantage. But Tony is an EXPERT at creating armor. This is not a side project it’s his life’s work. Surely his suit would be among the ones that actually beat Superman, right?

Well if it were straight up hand to hand, and the armour was made of Kryptonite alloy, and he nailed him good with the Krypto repulsers maybe, and again just maybe because if Stark fucks up even once, it’s over. And no matter what people say, Clark is no dummy. He’s got few tricks up his sleeve as well. Ol Supes has an ace in the hole. He can heat Tony’s armor to intolerable levels from accross the arena without getting anywhere near the Krypto suit, assuming he can stay clear of the repulsor rays, and given his super speed I’m going to say yes, he can do that. Or he could freeze it up from a distance. And if there ISN’T a Krypto alloy in the suit? Well…remember that scene in Superman where he squeezed coal into a diamond? Say hello to the Stark Memorial Diamond.

I’m sure Tony thought he’d take care of Supes, have a shower, then nip over to Lois’s place for a few cocktails and an “Exclusive interview” but his cockiness will undo him. Superman is altogether just too …Super. I know one thing though. I would totally want to see this as a movie.
Decision: Superman

The Winner…Superman!

Once again The Correctness is unanimous. And if you are here from Fark, as many were last week, welcome back, and please stop yelling at us. We are primarily a comedy site. No one here actually thought Green Lantern was bitten by a radioactive lantern. Next week…oh I don’t know how about a little Hulk vs. Hellboy? Tony is a notorious Hulk fanboy…this ought to be interesting. Stay tuned!

35 Responses to “Superhero Smackdown Week 3: Superman vs Iron Man”

1. KyleR says:

   August 28, 2009 at 10:04 am

   Ok, so you totally blew it on the Spidey one, but got this one correct. Sorry guys, a bubble around Spidey drained of air, no Spider sense is getting him out of that. Dipshits.

     KyleR(Quote)  (Reply)

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   • Tbinns says:

     August 28, 2009 at 10:46 am

     anyone else think KyleR is more of a DC guy? I’m getting that impression.

       Tbinns(Quote)  (Reply)

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     • admin says:

       August 28, 2009 at 10:51 am

       Judging by his name, I’d say he’s a Green Lantern.

         admin(Quote)  (Reply)

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       • Ralph says:

         August 28, 2009 at 12:20 pm

         whatever he is, he’s 100% correct. Especially when last week’s idiotic conception, reimagining Green Lantern’s origin as being bitten by a radioactive lantern? WTF?

         Keep smoking that crack guys and butchering comic book matchups.

           Ralph(Quote)  (Reply)

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         • Tbinns says:

           August 28, 2009 at 12:47 pm

           Ralph, please re-read the last paragraph above.

             Tbinns(Quote)  (Reply)

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         • Ralph says:

           August 28, 2009 at 1:22 pm

           @Tibbins

           I read it before and don’t believe a word of it.

           Sounds like a piss poor excuse of an apology for a major cluster f*&k of a mistake in last weeks matchup.

             Ralph(Quote)  (Reply)

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         • Amber says:

           August 28, 2009 at 1:49 pm

           Dude,

           Maybe, just maybe, you could leave your parents’ basement for a bit, take a deep breath, develop a sense of humour, and get a life! It’s a joke, not the end of the world.

             Amber(Quote)  (Reply)

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         • RobbieRobTown says:

           August 28, 2009 at 3:12 pm

           Now now, It was my joke, I’ll accept the vitriol and whatnot. Anyways, as I understand it, a radioactive Stan Lee bit General Zod, creating Superman.

             RobbieRobTown(Quote)  (Reply)

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         • Poly says:

           August 29, 2009 at 12:41 am

           But which Zod? Superman II Zod, or Priscilla Queen of the Desert Zod? Cuz s/he was pretty bad@ss.

           Just sayin’.

             Poly(Quote)  (Reply)

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2. Will says:

   August 28, 2009 at 10:38 am

   This is a good match-up. Totally agree with the winner, but I think Iron Man can take it to Supes and let him know he was in a fight.

   If Iron Man can take time to exploit Supes’ weakness, I think Supes can use his investigative reporter abilities to exploit Iron Man and fight him in a whiskey factory or something.

   So the best advice for Mr. Stark is to have a corporate meeting with Lexcorp and discover a gaudy colored suit of armor isn’t enough to take down the Last Son fo Krypton.

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3. Ken says:

   August 28, 2009 at 12:22 pm

   Wow, for a geek who has so much time he can put a totally useless blog like this together, you seem a little stressed by being so harsh on the guy on FARK. Not everybody finds it important to know the alias names of comicbook superheros (not real people). relax. try tolerance, there “fanboy”. peace

     Ken(Quote)  (Reply)

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   • admin_rock says:

     August 28, 2009 at 3:48 pm

     Ummm, actually, the douchebag in question was well versed in names. He just insisted that since the name wasn’t in the headline, it didn’t count. The online version of “LALALALA I”M NOT LISTENING!!!!”.

     But thanks for taking the time to post a comment on our totally useless blog!

       admin_rock(Quote)  (Reply)

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4. Extremis says:

   August 28, 2009 at 12:37 pm

   Superman moves at the speed of sound or faster then a speeding bullet, but repulsor blasts are light. Much faster. To say he dodges them easily is disingenuous.

   Then there’s kryptonite. Superman’s one weakness. It can and has crippled him. Tony Stark has made Hulk buster armor, armor with a magic source to fight Thor, and armors to fly in space, in lava, and since his little escapade with the Extremist virus literally fusing his with his armor, giving him super healing, and allowing all kinds of extra abilities it’s not as cut and dry.

   With enough time and prep, and access to kryptonite, Iron Man can win.

     Extremis(Quote)  (Reply)

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   • ram.1500 says:

     September 25, 2009 at 11:29 am

     Yes, the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound or of a speeding bullet. BUT, can he aim his repulsors to HIT an object moving at those speeds?
     Probably not.

       ram.1500(Quote)  (Reply)

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5. Mr. Lizard says:

   August 28, 2009 at 1:01 pm

   Good decision. Tony’d probably be drinking too much any way. Who knows if he would’ve come up with the Krypto-Armor idea?

   As for Hulk vs. Hellboy? Hmmm. What happens if you place a big sandstone rock on the ground and then – from about a mile up – you drop a really really really big granite rock onto it?
   A few chunks break off the really really really big granite rock and the merely big sandstone is turned into dust.
   Much as I love Hellboy and hate the Hulk, I think that Hulk would win. However, it’s gonna hurt. Even for the Hulk.

     Mr. Lizard(Quote)  (Reply)

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6. Jay says:

   August 28, 2009 at 1:12 pm

   You have it wrong. Iron Man ALL THE WAY. 1 fatal flaw in your thinking – Superman actually using all of his powers and not holding back. We are talking about the wussy-of-steel here vs an arms maker.
   All Iron Man needs to do is build a weapon to kill Super Man (Keeping in mind the USA Government would have already hired him to create one to kill a super Alien) Then set a trap.
   This is Superman, the trap could just be a dam kitten stuck in a tree (yes hey is that lame). You pick the setup, but it would be VERY easy to do. Superman is soo confident in his powers you could point a weapon at him, fire and he would not even blink – not even after his brains were splattered all over the wall. (See newest Superman movie)
   But how would you get Tony / Iron Man to do this? Well he is a womanizer, a Drunk, and FREAKS OUT when he things you stole from him. Pick one. Hell get real evil, Tony Stark could just tell Homeland Security that an Alien saw some top secret thing and is in the country illegally and to take him out. Or really evil would be tell the government that his blood could be used for making Super Soldiers and he needed all of it.
   What do you think the government would do if they though they could make there own Super Soldiers?
   So Iron Man wins as Superman does not have the danglies to man up and take him out.

     Jay(Quote)  (Reply)

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   • Patmyass says:

     September 25, 2009 at 3:21 pm

     But this is a fight, not an assassination.

       Patmyass(Quote)  (Reply)

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7. JC says:

   August 28, 2009 at 2:10 pm

   Tony Starks seems unscrupulous enough to use that to his advantage. Rather a suit of Kryptonite, he could made a suit of live baby seals and 1st graders. Supes would surrender.

     JC(Quote)  (Reply)

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8. willie says:

   August 28, 2009 at 2:33 pm

   Good battle. Other than the Bat, I lean toward Marvel. However Probably have to give it to Supes.
   Hulk will smoke Hellkid.

     willie(Quote)  (Reply)

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9. d0rk says:

   August 28, 2009 at 4:00 pm

   Batman defeated Superman in The Dark Knight Returns. How? With some super-special exoskeletal armour and kryptonite tech. Seems Mr. Stark could follow suit without getting out of his comfort zone.

     d0rk(Quote)  (Reply)

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   • Patmyass says:

     September 25, 2009 at 3:23 pm

     It also took years to make and all of his money.

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10. Fooksie says:

    August 28, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Hell, Superman could just hang out in outer space, and x-ray the shit out of Ironman ’til his cancerous ass falls off.
    Ironman thinks to himself..” I don’t feel so well….why do I feel queasey….SHIT! MY ASS IS SLOSHING AROUND BY MY ANKLES!”

      Fooksie(Quote)  (Reply)

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11. CraxyD says:

    August 28, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    I believe I am the “douchebag on Fark” you speak of.
    All I did was bring up the tremendous ass kicking that Lobo gave Guy Gardner/Green Lantern.
    I wasn’t the only Farker that invoked the Main Man, who incidentally has beaten Superman’s ass too if memory serves.

    As for the current showdown, I’m gonna have to go with Ironman. Yony Stark has the wherewithal to pull out if he’s getting stomped hopelessly and would analyze round one. Come round two, Supes would be in deep shit.

      CraxyD(Quote)  (Reply)

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    • admin_rock says:

      August 28, 2009 at 10:32 pm

      Nope, wasn`t you. Unless your handle is Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude.

        admin_rock(Quote)  (Reply)

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      • CraxyD says:

        August 31, 2009 at 8:28 pm

        Oh. Him. Spoiled my fun.
        How about a showdown of a squad of Wookies vs a squad of Klingons? Both groups are drunk in a cantina somewhere and a brawl breaks out.
        Stipulation: No disruptors, bat’leths or bowcasters

          CraxyD(Quote)  (Reply)

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12. Holly says:

    August 28, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    I think Superman would win.

    Iron Man’s a bit unstable with the ego. Something Supe could easily exploit, being the intelligent alien he is.

    Only time Iron Man MIGHT win would be a drinking match.

      Holly(Quote)  (Reply)

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13. Anne Darrow says:

    August 28, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Actually it was Perry White, Editor in Chief of the Daily Planet, who said “Great Caesar’s Ghost!” I remember it from the George Reeves TV show, but don’t know if the phrase was used in the comic books. I stopped reading Superman comics in the 60′s so I’m behind the times on that.

      Anne Darrow(Quote)  (Reply)

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14. SuperFanBoiGeekComicLover says:

    August 28, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    Comparing DC to Marvel superheros is like pitting a Federation Shuttle craft piloted by a retarded Klingon against the Death Star. Apples to Oranges. Still, funny stuff in there.

    Comedy: A-
    Useful analysis: D

      SuperFanBoiGeekComicLover(Quote)  (Reply)

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15. KevinLOLWUT says:

    August 28, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    Couple of flaws in the thinking -
    Heat vision won’t work. Ol’ Shellhead has so many different kinds of refractive and reflective armor that he’d just shrug it off.
    Superman’s strength isn’t anything new to Iron man. Various models of the Iron Man armor have been able to withstand atmospheric re-entry, as well as prolonged physical combat with the Hulk, both of which can be argued to be more force than Superman can impart.
    To top it off, Tony Stark is an extraordinarily wealthy superscientist (using the term loosely; maybe he’s just a superengineer), and as we know from the DC Universe, superscientist + money = he can find kryptonite.
    Supes has also been shown at various points to be weak to electricity; and it’d be kinda silly to say that Stark can’t just reconfigure his armor’s generator to deliver a massive shock to the incredibly conductive Man of Steel as he hit or grappled him.

      KevinLOLWUT(Quote)  (Reply)

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16. Jimmy says:

    August 28, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    I totally agree, and thought it was an amusing read. I would tap this article.

      Jimmy(Quote)  (Reply)

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17. Urinal Gum says:

    August 29, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    My money is on the jocks beating the piss out of anyone nerdy enough to write an article like this.

      Urinal Gum(Quote)  (Reply)

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    • admin_rock says:

      August 30, 2009 at 12:48 am

      I certainly can’t speak for the rest of The Correctness, but I’ll take that money.

        admin_rock(Quote)  (Reply)

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18. jimmyy2k says:

    August 31, 2009 at 9:08 am

    How about a match up between the Man of Steel and Doctor Manhattan.

      jimmyy2k(Quote)  (Reply)

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19. newsflx says:

    December 10, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Iron Man 2 is set to be relased May newxt year. Here’s a poster featuring Mickey Rourke as Whiplash. http://digg.com/d31CSZj

      newsflx(Quote)  (Reply)

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20. Tony Stark says:

    May 12, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    This is wrong. Superman is a fucking faggot. Iron Man would skull fuck him to kingdom come and then fuck Lois afterwards.

      Tony Stark(Quote)  (Reply)

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