Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.
This one is personal, as Kitty and I were the same age once. She’s arguably aged better, and much more slowly than I have. I had a major comic book crush on young Sprite. After the mess that was the Mutant Massacre, she moved to England, and we lost track of each other. But I digress. Kitty is insanely powerful. The ability to become incorporeal, to be able to grab and hold on to things while she does it, and the fact that she’s been trained as a ninja make her pretty damn tough. Plus, she’s a freaking genius to boot. And hot, don’t forget hot. Oh, and she has a fire-breathing dragon.
Deadpool, is the darling of the internet crowd, who hold him up as the funniest thing to happen to comics since Lobo. And I suspect he’ll age as well. Deadpool is about as funny as Tru Blood is well written, which is not at all. Oh look, he broke the fourth wall again!!! How original!!!
Also, he was created by Rob Liefield, which should almost disqualify him from the bracket. Liefeld ushered in the age of Cable, which ruined the X-men for about a decade. The damage was of a magnitude unequaled, though Grant Morrison did his best to achieve it recently. Okay, so we can’t exclude Deadpool for not being funny, and we can’t exclude him because of his lineage. He is an excellent assassin, and very creative and inventive. He has a healing factor (and who the hell doesn’t in teh Marvel Universe these days?) and can handle a lot of damage.
Here’s the lowdown. The genius cancels out the assassin smarts. Both of them are capable of adjusting and rolling with the punches. But about 8 minutes into the fight, Kitty grabs Deadpool, carries him about 300 feet into the earth, and lets him go. He probably survives that, so she phases a grenade into his chest, which he also survives. Finally, she phases him out of contact with the rotation of the planet, flinging him into space. He probably survives, but at least we don’t see him for a while (ironic, considering Kitty’s current plight.)
DEADPOOL: Heeere Kitty Kitty Kitty! I have a nice hamburger phone for youuuuu come and get it….Kitty can haz cheezburger phone…
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: As Deadpool taunts her with not one but two references she doesn’t understand Shadowcat steps into the light…taut, patient ready for…
DEADPOOL: Hey, Little Yellow Box! I LOVE this guy. Wait till I go all Killy McKillerton on this chick and we’ll do lunch
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: Not so fast Deadpool, you aren’t in a comic book anymore.
DEADPOOL: I’m not?
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: No, I would have thought the lack of pictures would have given it away…
DEADPOOL: I thought maybe I was in a script for a Broadway musical written by U2
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: You wish. No, you are in a superhero tournament run by 3 nerds on an obscure pop culture/humor site.
DEADPOOL: Well then I totally got this. Fanboys LOVE me!
PRYDE: Are we going to do this or what?
DEADPOOL: I WILL BREAK YOU LIKE THE FOURTH WALL, BITCH!!! I will be WITH you in a MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!GEEEZ!!!!
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: Well, you already have one vote against you…
DEADPOOL: What? HOW? Wait a minute, these aren’t the idiots who said Spider-Man could beat Green Lantern are they?
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: They made a few good points…
DEADPOOL: Did you show them the Shoryuken picture?
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: They’ve seen it. They weren’t impressed.
DEADPOOL: But, “Bitch went down”
PRYDE: (On the Hamburger phone) Professor, I’m going to be late. Deapool is busy being (air quotes)“Hilarious”. I know….ugh. Don’t hold dinner.
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: Maybe they just weren’t impressed with your performance in “X-Men Origins Wolverine.”
DEADPOOL: THAT WASN’T ME!!! That was uhh…Deathstroke
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: The character’s name was Wade Wilson.
DEADPOOL: I’m the Merc with the Mouth. Can’t be the Merc with the mouth without a mouth.
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: I hear they are making a sequel called X-Men Origins: Bend over, Deadpool
DEADPOOL: That is NOT….(Kitty phases in, grabs his heart, pulls it out) HEY!!! I NEED THAT!!!
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: Okay, well go sort that out, while I talk to the readers . Hey everyone. Tony Binns here. You might know me from such articles as 25 things wrong with the Star Wars Universe and Hamlet’s Daytimer. Today I played the part of Little Yellow box in Deadpool versus Kitty Pryde.
Please, hold your applause.
The problem we are presented with is how does a killing machine kill someone that can’t be touched? And how does someone who can’t be touched mete out justice to a killing machine with a healing factor?
The other problem of course is that comic book logic and physics are more flexible than the average Cirque performer. The extent of Kitty’s powers can be increased and decreased according to the story’s need, same with Deadpool. Do the physics state she can rip someone’s heart out? Some say yes, some say no. Can she phase out so fast she can dodge bullets? Some would argue yes, but that picture of Deadpool clocking her one seems to say otherwise.
I went into this thing starting to worry that Kitty can’t be hit EVER, and that would be everybody’s ass, including Superman. But I just keep coming back to that damned picture. He clocked her one. He landed one and she was out cold. One punch. I mean if we aren’t taking ACTUAL comics as canon, then what is?
So… it is that picture, as well as Deadpool generally being more entertaining that has me give this one to Deadpool.
How? Well maybe he breaks the 4th wall and the third dimension and assassinates the guy drawing her. I don’t know. All I know is he Shoryukened her good and she went down, so I can’t give it to her.
DEADPOOL: Ha! I knew it! Fanboys never let me down! Now pardon me while I count all these unhatched chickens…
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Rob is up next.
DEADPOOL: Guys named Rob and me go waaay back! One last thing though…why am I wearing Mickey Mouse ears?
LITTLE YELLOW BOX: Long story. I’ll tell you later.
Okay everyone, we read and approve all the fan comments and I’m siding both with the fans and myself on this one. Remember when the Flash was fighting, way back in the battle of the red suits? A major item of discussion at the time was the “you can’t hit something that isn’t there” matter. In fact I believe I suggested that the Flash could go incorporeal and leave a brick inside of Daredevil’s head. Now, while Kitty Pryde can’t time travel like the Flash can, it still comes down to this: You can’t hit something that isn’t there.
One of our fans suggested a perfectly valid course of action: Deadpool is standing around being all pissy and serious. Kitty Pryde is all ghostly and spooky, makes a quick dive at Deadpool, drags him into the centre of the earth, and leaves him there. Problem solved.
Now before you fans start criticizing our fans, or me for hiding behind our fans ( I’l edit this later and credit you, oh fan with a valid plan), the fundamental issue remains. You. Can’t. Hit. Something. That. Isn’t. There.
What of Deadpool being a skilled assassin? Couldn’t he lurk in a bell-tower, waiting for a fully corporeal Kitty Pryde to be shopping for teenage girl things, like, uh, whatever teenage girls buy like, uh, LA gear Sneakers, rubber bracelets and stirrup pants? Well, by the rules of our previous fights, no. Our heroes have some reason to be fighting, and are aware they are fighting to the death for the pleasure of , um, me.
So, no matter how mysterious and troubled Deadpool is, Kitty Pryde just has to grab Deadpool, take him somewhere shitty where his uber-healing factor isn’t quite enough (ie: centre of the earth), and leave him there. Deadpool, this might not be your kind of fight, but your Emo-darkness and troubled mind can’t help you here. You can’t punch a ghost.
Oh, comedy advice: Stop breaking the fourth wall, Deadpool, that is called a “gag” and it takes us out of the reality. It’s funny, but not in dramatic situations.
I’m giving this one to the Mobius Stripper, Kitty Pryde.
Runner up: The fourth wall that KP could pass through.
Second Runner up: Ellen Page
So, that means we are headed toward the quarter finals, and here is what that looks like
Flash vs. Spider-Man
Batman vs. The Hulk
Wolverine vs. Shadowcat (Reluctantly, one assumes)
Wonder Woman vs. Superman (see above re: The participants feelings on the matter)
We’ll see you next week. Unleash thy vitriol. We’re big boys, we can take it.