Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs begin this week in the Terrordrome.
The battle of the tight red suits.
Let’s start off with some basics.
First off, let’s assume The Flash is Barry Allen, and not any of the twenty three other dudes who have the exact same powers granted to them under varying circumstances. We here at The Correctness think this is a disadvantage for the Flash right off the bat, because he’s been recycled so many times already. The Flash is really, really fast, and his reflexes are really, really fast. This is because somebody spilled some baking soda and vinegar on him in a lab.
Meanwhile, Daredevil has been the same handicapped dude since his inception. Matt Murdoch, blinded as a child by an implausible Manhattan radioactive waste accident- Note to comic book writers: When shit gets spilled on me, I get cancer- has super other senses, so when he touches braille he gets a chub on, or whatever. Daredevil is supersensitive, which makes him , you know, more red or whatever.
This is over before it starts really, because of this item from Wikipedia:
“All incarnations of the Flash can move, think, react at superhuman speeds, vibrate so fast that they can walk through walls, travel through time and can also lend and borrow speed.”
Any time traveler who can pass through solid objects is not going to get hit much- at least, that you remember, because he already travelled through time and undid your lucky swing. Too bad Daredevil, you lose. No hope.
Take your cane and go back to your day job as a pencil salesman or whatever, your blind ass is no match for a time-fucking-travelling incorporeal douche. Plus, and maybe I’m being unfair to Daredevil, but if you are supersensitive, wouldn’t you feel pain more? No matter. The Flash could travel back and win the fight before it started by leaving a brick inside of Daredevil’s skull at high speed. I assure you, this easily accessible material is damaging when lodged in your head.
Is it a fair fight? No. Are both of these heroes a bit dumb? Yes.
The Flash is pretty badass indeed, what with all the physics and stuff working in his favour. It must suck writing that comic, you’d be on the phone to a T.A. at the University. “So what would happen if the Flash tried to pet his dog at light speed?” The Flash is so fast that the image at the top used to be of Barry Allen, but he changed it into Wally West while you were reading.
Daredevil might have a chance, if the following occurred: 1) He was in the midst of being written by Frank Miller, who makes every hero that much more of a badass, and 2) he had some advance warning about the impending battle. He’d have time to lay down some lube or something, making the Flash slide uncontrollably into a wall, killing him instantly. ( I know, the Speed Force would protect him, blah blah blah!).
Oh, who the hell am I kidding. The Flash takes this in a walk. Daredevil, seriously, a Billy Club?
The Flash’s specialty is incredible speed and weird ass villains.(A hyper intelligent talking Gorilla? Really?) Daredevil specializes in hypersensitivity and banging hot assassins. And while nailing BOTH Elektra AND Black Widow is impressive in and of itself it doesn’t really help him when the Flash PUNCHES HIM 800 TIMES IN ONE SECOND. Even giving Matt the benefit of the doubt and saying he could anticipate and dodge half of them he is still getting punched 400 TIMES. Daredevil’s hearing might let him anticipate the sonic boom before he gets his ass handed to him, and that’s about it
By the time Daredevil finished raising his club of never ending stringiness, the Flash would have already kicked his ass, called an ambulance, sent flowers for Daredevil to the hospital, sent flowers and an apology card, with a poem he wrote himself on it to Elektra, gone home, made Iris a nice souffle, watched How I Met Your Mother, had sex, brushed his teeth and gone to bed.
So it’s unanimous. The Scarlet Speedster makes short work of the Man without Fear. The Flash moves (with blinding speed) to the next round, and Daredevil crawls back to Hells Kitchen to lick his wounds. Or have them licked by Elektra and Black Widow. On second thought, maybe it’s Daredevil who comes out better off…
DECISION: The Flash
Thoughts? Disagreements? Let us know below. Just remember, we aren’t called the Correctness because we’re always wrong.
NEXT WEEK: Green Lantern vs Spider-Man