Super Heroine Smackdown Week 3: Rogue vs Storm
This week, It’s all X-Men (women) match-up. Why? Cuz we let RobbieRobTown design the bracket. Nonetheless:
An interesting match-up, both these ladies are heavy hitters, and long-time favorites of the X-verse. I’ve been back and forth in my mind on this one, it’s not a cakewalk by any stretch of the imagination.
On one hand, we have Storm, who can manipulate weather, bend the forces of nature to her very whim. Not to be trifled with. She also a pretty cunning tactician, having led the X-Men, and taken out Cyclops with no powers. On the other, we have Rogue, who can pretty much drop you with a single touch, and has both flight and super-strength abilities.
So it’s a battle of a ranged fighter vs a close-up fighter. Storm can fry Rogue with lightning, take her out quickly. But Rogue is pretty tough, no guarantee that a lightning strike would be strong enough, and if she touches you, game over.
On with it then, the Klaxon sounds, the area is full, no weapons on the stand (these ladies don’t need them). Rogue builds up a head of steam and launches at Storm. Storm holds her off with a wall of air, forcing Rogue back. Rogue smiles, and redoubles her efforts. Storm unleashes a lightning strike, which has little effect on Rogue, as she’s flying in mid-air, and pretty strong to boot. Rogue smiles and pulls off her shirt (down boys, it’s all about skin contact). She moves slowly towards Storm. It takes the better part of 20 minutes, but by this point, it’s Storm’s will of force vs Rogue’s forward momentum. Finally, Storm can’t sustain the wind, and drops it for a moment. Rogue barrels into Storm, touching her forehead, and draining her powers. She simply holds there for a few minutes. Game over.
The two contestants enter the ring, they shake hands, return to their corners, and the bell rings. Rogue comes out swinging, she’s absorbed Storm’s powers – during the obligatory handshake – and Storm knows it. For a while, everything is lightning and floating, and ass kicking, and there is a lot of sweaty, sweaty screaming. It’s like tennis, only hot and actually entertaining. These two combatants have worked together for years, ever since Rogue was just a feisty teen (Which, in comic book time, was somehow last week and 30 years ago). They know each other’s ins and outs, and probably semi-exposed areas which may or may not retract, if I understand female biology well enough, which I most certainly do not.
It’s impossible to judge the action. The judges pass out from the stress of it. It’s too close to call, and also, again, kinda hot. The crowd stops making noise, and only one teen continues text. Everyone else smashes their phones on the ground so they won’t miss anything.
Round one is over. Both contestants go back to their corners. Storm gets advice from her coach, who I guess is fucking Batman or whatever since all the other yahoos who write for this bullshit comedy site seem to think that because you talked to Batman one time, it means you are guaranteed to win (See: That bullshit about Retarded Robin beating Ramona Flowers- actually don’t see it, it’s retarded- Ed). Batman passes Storm a towel
Batman: (barking emphysematicly) Yuh’ve gohht herrr on the rhohohhhpezz.
Storm: Bruce, WHAT?
Batman: Yuhhhhhve jusht showhhhhn this Shihhhty thahht people neehhhd each otherrrrr…
Meanwhile, over in Rogue’s corner, Mickey is also doing athletic things to/with Rogue. Mickey’s been training Rogue ever since Roguey Part I, and by now, in Roguey Part V, they really know how to kick ass.
Mickey: You know what you’re doing, get back out there kid!
Rogue: But, I don’t know if I can kill her! She’s my mentor!
Mickey (Burgess Meredithly): You’ve got no choice! This is do or die, Rock, er, Rogue!
He rests his hands reassuringly on her shoulders, and Rogue gives him a look of real respect. He’s a wise old man, and she cares about him.
The bell rings! Round two! Storm blasts lighting at Rogue! Rogue jumps up to float around, but poops her leotard! Then she is crippled by gout! Then her teeth start falling out! Then she is The Penguin from the Batman series for a while. Then her glasses shatter on the ground in a post apocalyptic wasteland, even though there was time to read now, finally! Then Storm kills her. What happened?
Rogue has a lot of trouble controlling her powers, and the reassuring contact from Mickey, her trainer, was enough to accidentally make her absorb the powers of Burgess Meredith. Rogue’s powerful unpredictability defeats her in the end.
I would argue, given what we’ve seen so far with climate change that the ability to control weather is easily in the top three most devastating powers ever given to a Superhero. Think about it, if she wanted to, Storm could easily cause the extinction of the human race. Wipe out the planet.If I were Magneto, my #1 Priority would be “Convert and recruit Storm” I’ve often thought that her powers aren’t being used to their fullest potential, largely because it would make her unbeatable. Unless of course, your power was “When I touch you you have no power, and I get it all and if I hang on long enough you die.” Which is bound to take the wind out of any sails.
Both can fly so their is no chance of overly effective ranged attacks. Lightening is faster certainly faster than Rogue, but it takes time for lightening clouds to form, and Rogue is faster than that.
I’m going to go with the presupposition that anything that Storm can come up with INSTANTLY is not going to be enough to stop Rogue from getting to her. . One Touch and a “Sorry Sugar” and that’s that.
IF STORM WAS AN IDIOT. Which she isn’t.
So I’m gonna go ahead and guess that if they have time to prepare, Storm is definitely going to go in to this with her skin covered. Perhaps in a plastic see through polymer.
Rogue’s Strategy had to be “Get to her quickly” But Now there is no time. Now it’s the whole deal. Lightning, hurricane force winds, More lightening. If Storm has time to gather herself up and she is protected, there is no way Rogue is going to take her out.
So Storm wins this one, because any power that can be defeated by wearing a balaclava is not going to measure up to the awesome fury of Mother Nature.
This week’s winer is Storm! It was a dead heat before RobbieRobTown finally finished his entry and broke the tie, and he’s steal clearly pissy about some of the other matches! He’s a loose canon of IBS poop! Somebody put him out of his misery!