8 Simple Rules for Making a Superman Movie

an Open Letter to Zack Snyder

Dear Zack

You would think it would be the easiest thing in the world to get right, but no one has made a decent Superman movie since the early 80’s. (It’s a fact of SCIENCE!!) Everyone knows what Superman does. Everyone knows what he’s like. And yet, no one seems to be able to get it right. Well The Correctness is here to help, so pay attention …

1. Get the Character Right:

Superman is the most powerful being on earth, but that’s not what makes him a hero. What makes him a hero is what he does with these powers. I know a lot of people prefer the Batman/Wolverine style of anti-hero, but the landscape is so littered with these Eastwood wanna be’s that the real straight arrows like Captain America and Superman are the exception rather than the rule. In a way…it’s almost reversed, and now Superman breaks the mold and is, in effect an Anti-hero. This is a man who respects his elders, doesn’t lie, doesn’t curse. There is a reason why they call him “The Big Blue Boyscout” Don’t re-invent him, and try and make him darker or hipper. I got news for you NOBODY from a small town in Kansas is hip. Don’t make him an angsty teen, don’t make him a serial stalker with an illegitimate child. What makes him awesome is that a man who could easily crush mankind underfoot spends at least some of his time pulling cats out of trees, and helping old ladies cross the street. He has enough angst just being THAT guy, you don’t need a new angle on it.

2. More Action Please

Superman the Motion Picture was one of the first movies to take a comic book character at least somewhat seriously and made a movie on an epic scale. Which is great, but unfortunately that included a rather stately pace that Superman Returns took a lot of cues from. I think there is room in a Superman movie for at least three big action set pieces, and a couple of smaller ones (I say one big “ rescue Lois” sequence, and two big “Fight” Sequences, punctuated by catching a couple regular crooks along the way). I don’t mean that Michael Bay should direct a Superman movie, but we could certainly kick it up a notch

3. We Don’t Need No Stinkin Origin Story

This isn’t Thor or Iron man, this is an icon. Everyone knows the story. Let’s not waste precious time on Krypton, and teen years, or ANY of that stuff. Get a good story and dive right in.

4. Let Lex Sit This One Out

By all means IMPLY that he’s behind all of the shenanigans, hell you could even mention him by name, but build him up and save him for the sequel. Make him a real threat, establish a presence before you actually see him. He is Superman’s greatest enemy…stop making him into a clown. Ever heard of a guy called Braniac? I think he would do nicely, don’t you?

5. Superman Needs to Fight Something HUGE at the End

I cannot stress this enough. Not only does he have to fight this giant thing, he has to get his ass handed to him. He has to dig deep and outsmart whatever this thing is, and save lives by using the skills the Kent’s taught him instead of what the Sun gives him. This should be balls out, jaw dropping mega fight. We have the technology to do it, so why have we not seen this yet?

6. Put Her In It Somewhere

Even if it’s just for a few minutes. Make it happen.

7. DO. NOT. CHANGE. THE. SUIT!!!

For fucks sake. Nobody wants to see THIS!

or THIS

Take the original design and find a way to make it work. Hollywood is full of talented costume people, it’s not that hard. Red cape. Blue Tights. Logo on the front.

Jesus.

8. Use Comic Relief Wisely and Sparingly

I am totally okay with Jimmy Olsen being used for OCCASIONAL comic relief. The odd quip from Perry White would be just fine. Hell, I’d even enjoy Lois cracking wise. But do NOT make Luthor your comic relief. Nor should you saddle him with sidekicks to provide the comedy. No Gay Robots, no Otis, no whatever the hell Parker Posey was. If you have to create a character for the specific purposes of lightening things up…chances are you don’t need that character.

So there you go. 8 Simple Rules. Oh wait… No Nicholas Cage. At All. Ever. 9 simple rules. OH and cut down on the slow motion shit. 10 simple rules. You know what Zack, why don’t you just call me and we’ll straighten this whole thing out, Okay?

Great.

You are welcome.

22 Responses to “8 Simple Rules for Making a Superman Movie”

1. Will says:

   March 11, 2011 at 9:18 am

   Although I wasn’t a big fan of All-Star Superman, making the movie epic like that, adding the right touch of crazy sci-fi and proper challenges for Superman may work. Visually pulling off Quitely and Morrison’s concepts would be challenging to say the least.

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2. Tbinns says:

   March 11, 2011 at 9:43 am

   Me am think Bizzaaro is great!

   (And by that I mean I fucking hate Bizzaro)

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3. Tomass says:

   March 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

   6

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4. admin_rock says:

   March 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

   The problem is that Superman is not a great comic book hero. I know how crazy that sounds, but it’s true. He’s overpowered beyond measure, which makes him dull, and he’s chosen a very dull alter-ego, who has very dull friends.

   I’m trying to think of a Superman graphic novel that defines the character, or is even worth reading. All Star Superman was okay, I didn’t hate it, but where is the “Year One” or the “Dark Knight Returns” or the “Killing Joke” of the Superman World.

   The reason Batman works as a film character is that he’s interesting, in costume and out. Same goes for Spider-man. The reason Superman continually underwhelms on screen (even the original film was just OK) is because Clark Kent is lame, and Superman is also lame.

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5. Keith says:

   March 11, 2011 at 1:07 pm

   John Byrne’s Superman era is still one of my favorite comic runs ever. And the “Pocket Universe” arc at the very end informed the character for years to come.

   Superman has a better supporting cast than Batman (everyone Batman ever met wears long underwear and solves crimes). If you don’t know Bibbo, you haven’t read good Superman.

   The core of Superman is that he is ultimately a small-town whitebread guy who happens to have near infinite power. If you put the Super part first, you miss the key of the character.

   My rule of thumb is that
   Clark Kent disguises himself as Superman
   Batman disguises himself as Bruce Wayne.

   Also recommended reading:
   - Alan Moore’s “Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?”
   - “Superman for All Seasons”
   - “World Without Superman” (I like Death and Return, but the real meat was in the supporting cast dealing with the loss).
   - Adventures of Superman 474 (a drunk-driving story) Dan Jurgens was the most consistent Superman writer.

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6. El-ahrairah says:

   March 11, 2011 at 4:19 pm

   Let’s face it, you’re not going to do better than Superman I and II.

   Also, let’s be real, Christopher Reeve WAS Superman/Clark Kent. He looked like Superman/Kent, he acted like Superman/Kent…end of story.

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7. Len says:

   March 11, 2011 at 9:09 pm

   It is a tough one.. I prefer Supes when other heroes are reacting to him, like Dad just walked in, or that he is their hero. That is the the thing, Superman is the hero’s hero.
   We do need to see action though, that is a fact. And I don’t want him darker, and we really, really don’t need an update on him, or back story. We just need a good story and peril. Which is hard.
   All in all I’d just rather wait until the right story came along rather than try and cash in.. but hey! I’m not Hollywood. I read that the last three Die Hard movies were written as movies for other characters but the studio just adapted the plot for John McClane. Sucks if you are the guy writing that for months and then they just dump your well crafted character for an old old stand-by. I love john McClane, but still…
   So high art we are not going to get. If you like Superman the way he is in the comics, read the comics.

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8. Iron Patriot says:

   March 12, 2011 at 10:26 am

   9. Don’t Make This Movie

   Like a pocket watch kept up some old marine’s ass, Superman is a shit-encrusted, awkward mess of a character. Clunky and outdated, the Man of Steel is a relic that refuses to die, like the perverted offspring of Abe Vigoda and the guy from “The Green Mile”. Because Zod, again, appears to be the heavy in 2 Man 2 Steelious, there is no hope that this film. None. Not even the eternal MILFiness of Diane Lane will save this, even though I’d spread her ass like a geometry compass any day of the week.

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9. spcMIKE says:

   March 14, 2011 at 7:23 am

   I hate when ever people say there aren’t good Superman stories, For Tomorrow was one of the best story lines of the last decade. It gave a pretty good insight into how much Superman focuses on saving the world. It had Superman trying to stop a war and also had him interacting with individuals on a personal level while he dealt with his guilt over not being able to save people.

   He was being dark, he wasn’t being brooding, he was just being human and trying to figure out how to come to terms with the fact that while he is the most powerful person on Earth, he can’t always save everyone.

   Or maybe, we could bring in War World, it gives Supes some heavies to fight and has that nice Gladiator/Spartacus feel to it.

   And as to the complaint about Superman’s villains being unknown outside of Lex Luthor, how many non-comic people knew about Scarecrow, or Ras Al-Gul? I didn’t know about them until I watched Batman: The Animated Series as a child, which is also how I learned about Superman’s villains.

   I really think that if the studios want to make a good Superman film, they need to get Bruce Timm and Paul Dini to come in and show people how it’s done.

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10. Keith says:

    March 14, 2011 at 10:33 am

    “They work best as the flamboyant fantasies they are. I mean, these are characters that are broad and big. I don’t need to see sweat patches under Superman’s arms. I want to see him fly.”

    – Frank Miller

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11. Maberso (Stats Porn) says:

    March 18, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    I’m sure everyone has already seen this…

    http://collider.com/wonder-woman-adrianne-palicki-costume-image/81294/

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12. soberirish says:

    March 22, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    He needs better villains…hands down there are other immortals that could be used, lets say he fights Duncan or Connor McCloud. oooo I know one of those cute little vampires from twilight or Gargymol from the smurfs. david The Hoff ( he is much strong in Germany) there you go better villains. or maybe I am pointing out how lame the ones he has now are.

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13. Tbinns says:

    March 11, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    You sir, are the problem. People like you are the reason they try and darken him up. He is not lame, he’s just a straight arrow…as heroes should be. Too often in the comic world the REALLY good guys are dismissed as lame (coughcoughcaptainamericarulescoughcough).

    Also…what Keith said.

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14. RobbieRobTown says:

    March 12, 2011 at 1:12 am

    @admin_rock, I have only this to say in regards to the discussion above.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UkZOZIO63I

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15. admin_rock says:

    March 11, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    @Keith, I’ll give you “Whatever Happened to …” but I suspect it’s more because it’s Moore, and not even one of his best.

    “World Without A Superman”??? Really? I think you might be remembering this being better than it was, because it was, frankly, craptacular, as were Death and Return.

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16. admin_rock says:

    March 11, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    @Tbinns, He is lame. He’s a creation of days gone by that hasn’t evolved or kept up with the times.
    He works for a newspaper, for crying out loud. A medium almost as obsolete as he is. His book hasn’t been good in years. Even JMS couldn’t make him interesting.

    I don’t need him dark, I just need him interesting.

    Why do they keep going back to Lex? Because there are no great villains in his rogues gallery. Bizarro might be good for an interlude, as a minor villain. Doomsday is terrible, best forgotten. Brainiac, maybe? Nobody outside of comic book readers know him.

    The last remake had some promise,the Airliner scene was amazing, and the moments of Supes hovering in space listening to the world was note perfect. But again, killed by nowhere to go, nothing to do, and more Lex Luthor.

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17. keith says:

    March 12, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    @admin_rock, “Whatever Happened to…” doesn’t count as Superman’s “Killing Joke”-quality story because it was written by Alan Moore?

    Think it through slowly…

    Yes, I loved World Without Superman. Pa Kent’s heart attack made me cry. It may have lacked the pathos “Knightfall” did for Batman (he types sarcastically) but it was solid arc.

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18. admin_rock says:

    March 12, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    @keith, No. What I meant was “Whatever Happened to” was not among Moore’s best, and the reason I might put it on the list of great Spuerman stories is because I happen to like Moore. But no, it’s not on par with “Killing Joke”.

    And you make a good point about Knightfall, which was also utter crap. But in the meantime, Batman has had a ton of good stories/arcs/graphic novels, and Supes is still waiting for the big one.

    I was thinking more about Superman and Batman and perhaps the thing to shake up Superman would be to give him over to Frank Miller. (Tbinns is probably dropping a brick in his shorts at that thought). Miller was responsible for the “rebirth” of Batman, and most if not all of the “great Batman stories” came after “Dark Knight Returns”.

    While checking out that thought, I discovered that 86-88 was a good time for Batman fans. 86 was DKR, 87 was Year One, and 88 was Killing Joke.

    Maybe if Miller wrote a 12 issue Superman story, it would piss off enough of those who like the character into writing something good for him.

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19. spcMIKE says:

    March 14, 2011 at 7:12 am

    @Iron Patriot, I like the irony of a guy using a Norman Osborne reference complaining about a character that won’t die.

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20. spcMIKE says:

    March 14, 2011 at 7:14 am

    @admin_rock, If I recall, Miller did write a Superman story, it was called “The Dark Knight Strikes Again”.

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21. Keith says:

    March 14, 2011 at 10:33 am

    @admin_rock, the late-80s were just a great time for DC. the post-Crisis period or revamps, continuity restarts and such are my favorite period for super-hero comics.

    - Year 1
    - George Perez drawing Wonder Woman
    - Justice League International
    - John Byrne / Jerry Ordway rebooting Superman
    - the “5 Years Later” Legion of Super-Heroes
    - Booster Gold

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22. Tbinns says:

    March 19, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    @Maberso (Stats Porn), I have seen it. It seriously looks like something you’d by in a plastic bag in one of those fly by night Halloween storees. I don’t mind the design so much as I do the overall…pvc-ness of it

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