Jim:

A while back here on my comedy website thing, which is highly regarded by my mom, I invited Emma Stone to enter the “Win a Date with RobbieRobTown” contest. She did not enter then, nor has she submitted an entry since I reopened the contest earlier this summer.  To be fair, Emma Stone hasn’t the foggiest idea who I am, or if I am charming, homicidal, or both. So, to preface this letter without any further speculation, I am not writing this to tell you to keep your mitts offa my lady, as such a statement would be untrue, sexist, and incalculably fucktarded.

I am addressing this letter to you because we are fellow Canadians and fellow entertainers. The interwebs are all aflutter about your intent. Were you being sincere, yet creepy? Were you exploring an unusual marketing strategy? Did you two have some kind of secret tryst which you could no longer bear to disguise? Irrelevant, all. Jim, I am writing you this letter because of the genius of what you have done. Please hear me out.

Every joe-average nerdy person has had a crush on a celebrity. Mine are rare, but I have had a few (Emma, looking at you). On a much more personal and revealing note, I think celebrities should know how confused and sweetly unrequited these celebrity crushes can be. In the depths of my nerdiest despair, I have sometimes watched and re-watched a movie (yeah, okay, Zombieland) and searched online in vain to see if somehow I could come up with a way of actually meeting this celebrity. I think these fantasies, while obviously immature and implausible, are kind of cute. The imaginary journey never ends well for me. Usually, I meet some celebrity (yes, yes, I meet Emma Stone specifically) at a ComiCon party because I have a connection with one of the big corporate sponsors there, and we chat, and she’s really nice, and we live such different lives that she sensibly ends the conversation and goes about her business. Everyone who has ever been a fan of a performer knows the weird mixture of feelings that accompanies the simultaneous sense of knowing someone well through their work, and yet rationally understanding that they are total strangers.  The closer I actually get to a chance to meet a celebrity, the more heightened (and therefore more hilarious and tragic) my celebrity crush can become!

I have a mutual friend of Malin Akerman, did you know that, Jim? True story! I’m a performer-comedy type guy, so I know people who know people, but a friend of mine is an acquaintance of hers and she was willing to pass on a message to THE Malin Akerman from me at one point. The Watchmen was big in the theatres, and I was lonely (Surprising news, right? When am I not lonely? God, and I have a whole website to whine about it on) and this friend said “Yeah, I know Malin, you really want to meet her?”. Of course my answer was “Yes!”, but then I was completely paralysed.

What would I say?

“Oh, hi, successful famous artist. I am an unsuccessful, unfamous artist. Are you one of the 297 fans of my music on Facebook? Perhaps you are a fan of my improv comedy work- I’m on local cable access right now, you know, 5 nights a week! How much did I get paid for that, you ask? Oh, nothing. What is that you asked? Yes, the only TV in my 602 square foot condo IS a Samsung, thank you for noticing!”

That’s where the fantasy ends for us normal folks. What could we say to impress someone who impresses us so much already? What makes me seem special, other than my boyish good looks (Yes, yes, SPCMike, other than my scarred, hideous face and lice problem). There is a kind of begrudging hopelessness about celebrity crushes.

Anywhozle, Jim, what you have done is give a much needed boost of confidence to every human everywhere who has ever loved an artist. If even you, JIM MOTHERFUCKING CARREY can be smitten by a star, and be forced to make your feelings public through the only avenue that you have, then that means something both sad and wonderful: Even famous celebrities have sweet unrequited loves that they have no means of , uh, requiting. Sure, I’m sad about being outcompeted by a famous person, but you are very funny and very successful, and a rather good actor, I think.  Even still, JIM MOTHERFUCKING CARREY had to send a sad, sweet message into the ether to try to heal his heart.

With the proviso that your message to Emma was intended as sincere, it rings painfully true for a lot of us- Not because it is directed at Emma Stone (who is awfully charming) , but because you have hit a raw nerve that most of the normal folks out here have. I need to speak to you now as a fellow comedian. A lot of great comedy comes from truthful things, however, Jim, if this all turns out to be a clever ploy to do some Hollywoood weirdness I can’t comprehend, then I must insist you do us all a favour: Tell no one that you didn’t mean it. It is such a nice boost to the ego to think that someone as popular and famous as you could be smitten, and forlorn, and a bit sadly desperate. I would be most displeased to find out that you were pulling a fast one on us. If this was a piece of slick guerrilla theatre, or bizarre performance art, don’t tell a soul. Let the rest of us mere mortals go on believing that love is tough, even for you. We’d be heartbroken to discover that you replicated the sad, and I suppose vaguely funny emotions that nobodies like me honestly feel, and then exploited them as a joke.

Anyway, I hope it’s all real, I really do. I hope That Emma Stone sees it as complimentary, and I hope she enters my contest (but not really, because I’m funnier when I have a lot to complain about).

Oh, and if this does all turn out to be totally real, I wish you a speedy recovery from your sadness. I personally hope that I will one day feel the same way about Emma Stone as I currently feel about The Refreshments. Do you remember that first Refreshments album? Wasn’t it awesome? Where are those guys now?

Thank you for sharing that with us Jim, and don’t betray us little folk by making a joke at the expense of our vulnerabilities.

Sincerely,

RobbieRobTown

P.S. Emma, I know this is terrible timing, but the contest is still open. The rules, as a reminder, are that you must submit your ideas for a dream date with me, via email, or in comment form below. The disqualified entrants in past lived outside of the Americas, or suggested illegal activities. I’ll be here, waiting I guess, and listening to “Fizzy, Fuzzy, Big and Buzzy”.

 

Why Puny Humans no leave Hulk Reboot Alone?

As part of our continuing service to you, The Correct, we continually find things for you to be in favour of. In our crazy, fast paced, webmanic society, it’s easy to miss something. Our “A Case For” series presents something (a TV show, film, Book, Band etc) that might deserve a look.
Our first installment “A Case For: Farscape” was presented by one of our regular readers, and we encourage that sort of behavior. If you have something you’d like to make a case for, write it up and send it to us at admin@thecorrectness.com . See the end of the article for more info.
This week, we bring you A Case for “The Incredible Hulk” Louis Letterier’s 2008 reboot, brought to you by Tbinns

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In 2003 we got a Hulk movie by Ang Lee, an enormously gifted film maker. It was what I like to refer to as a bold and magnificent failure. It was less a comic book movie and more a two plus hour haiku about anger. I appreciated the fact that it was taken seriously. I appreciated the effort the cast put in. I appreciated the fact that it was trying to add psychological depth.I appreciated Jennifer Connelly. In fact let’s all take a moment to appreciate Jennifer Connolly…

Tbinnsing, y’all

But “Hulk” was ultimately a mess. Hulk Poodles? Nick Nolte is Bruce’s dad, who kinda becomes the absorbing man, and then they have a cloudy confrontation at the end? Ugggh. No wonder Marvel wanted a reboot.

And so… with a collective rolling of the public’s eyes, Marvel set out to do the Hulk right. Unfortunately the general public had already been bitten once, and were not too keen to give The Ever Lovin Hulk a second chance. They still had fresh memories of not enjoying the last one. Consequently, 2008’s “The Incredible Hulk” got short shrift and is generally regarded as Marvel Studios worst effort.

I have been a Hulk fan since childhood. Who didn’t fantasize about sending their playground tormentors running as you Hulked out and smashed the jungle gym to splinters? (No? Just me? Fair enough). And as a fan with anger issues I have to say I dug the HELL out of the Incredible Hulk. More than Iron Man 2. More than Thor even. I maintain that if THIS movie came out first, it would be held in much higher regard by the public. So in the midst of a superhero heavy summer, I urge you to give The Incredible Hulk a second look. And here is why…

1. Edward Norton

The problem with Bana, I think was that he looked like a hero to begin with. He was definitely a leading man type. I have always pictured Banner to be a weedy little scientist with a desperate and haunted look in the eye. A brilliant man who wants nothing more than to eliminate the possibility of hurting anyone, especially those he loves. Norton played this perfectly… a man on the run from himself and the military machine who wants to use him as a weapon. Norton captured the intensity, the loneliness, the inherent decency, and yes even the sense of humor perfectly. Bana was definitely good…but Norton was better

2. The Fight scenes

Let’s get the big complaint out of the way…Of course the CGI looks fake. It’s a giant green man. It is NEVER going to look photo realistic…it’s so outlandish the human eye rejects it almost immediately upon seeing it. If you can’t let that go you have no business going to see a Hulk movie in the first place. This was a meaner leaner Hulk that kicked some serious ass. Exhibit A) The fight sequence on the Campus. Hulk versus the Super Soldiered Blonsky. We got a real glimpse of what Cap vs. Hulk might look like on the big screen and it was awesome.

And the best part was the delightful little button right on the end…

“Oh it looks soo fake and rubbery!!!!” comes the cry from the internet.

Here’s an extra big slice of “Shut the Fuck up, it’s fun” for you, then.

And exhibit B) The big fight at the end…Hulk and Abomination, knocking the living shit out of each other as it should be. Not enveloped in a cloud that wants his anger and ultimately can’t handle it (again, what the fuck?) Just two gamma radiatiated gentlemen working out their differences , using police cars as boxing gloves, and destroying half a city while doing so. I’m not huge fan of the DESIGN on the Abomination…but clearly THAT was the villain the movie needed, and the fight it needed. Like I suggested in my “How to make a Superman Movie” article, our hero needs to face something bigger, stronger, and meaner, and defeat it using determination, guts and brains.

And the theatre audience I saw it with cheered like crazy when he said “Hulk Smash!”

3. It Fits Seamlessly into the Marvel Universe

I actually quite like the little Easter eggs linking the Marvel movies together and this one sowed plenty of seeds to make it fit into the bigger picture. We saw the origin of the Leader, Stark Military technology, Super Soldier serum in action and of course the now traditional post credit sequence. And if the film hadn’t been cut quite so frantically, we might have even seen a glimpse of Cap himself. Unlike some of the bits in Iron Man 2, most of this is worked in very cleverly and without a heavy hand. There’s even a couple of nods to the TV show for a few sharp eyed viewers

4. Liv Tyler in Tina Fey Glasses

Mmmmm. Betty-licous

5. General “Thunderbolt” Ross is a Douche…As He Should Be

The casting of Sam Elliot as General Thunderbolt Ross was kind of a stroke of genius, but ultimately there is always going to be something sympathetic and noble about a Sam Elliot character. And indeed, in this case, Ross was a man whose priorities were to keep his daughter, and the civilian population safe, even if that meant locking Banner away for life in a bunker. And while that does take the character out of the realm of cartoon bad guy…I’m not sure that is the right call. I prefer the idea of Hurt’s General Ross, a die hard military opportunist, looking to exploit the Hulk for his own nefarious purposes, willing to endanger his soldiers with unproven enhancement drugs , and his daughter by using her as bait. General Ross is a slimy bastard, and William Hurt made him suitably oily

As we come to the Avengers movie next year we will be on our third cinematic interpretation of the Hulk in less than 10 years. We have yet another Bruce Banner and probably yet another CGI Hulk design. Personally, I don’t think it is necessary. I think the 2008 reboot is a gem, with some awesome action sequences, some good acting, some great shots (The pan up the slums of Portugal is fantastic)and more importantly it was true to the character and FUN. Do you hear me Ang Lee? FUN!! And how many of our fellow internet shut ins bitch about wasting time on Superhero origin stories? This one didn’t waste any time on that…it was all taken care of neatly and effectively in the credits. And yet, people still bitch… I say to them that The Incredible Hulk is not the Abomination (Ha! Word play Liz Lemon!) that they think it is, and they need to give it a repeat viewing.
Now excuse me , I’m going to go put on my Hulk Hands and frighten the neighborhood children.

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If you have a show or film or book or band you’d like to make a case for, we’d love to hear from you. Read the rules below, and drop us a line.
The rules:
1) Give us 5 good reasons we should care, or watch, or listen etc. Make them compelling. Remember, you’re trying to sell this to us, and our readers.
2) Send pictures along with the article. Admin_rock doesn’t like to work harder than he has to, so be sure to send pics, or links to pics in the article.

A friend of mine recently suggested that in order to get my long departed groove back, I should try writing erotic fiction. I tried, kind of, then gave up, but this got me thinking: What the hell kind of thing is arousing anyway? What qualifies as a fantasy? The results of my bold new genre of truthful erotic fantasies are below. Spoiler: Some of these stories are so arousing, there isn’t any sex in them at all.

1.

He paused the DVD, and rose from the couch.

“Are you getting up to make a sandwich?” she asked, coyly.

“Yes, I am,” he replied.

“Then let me be direct. Instead of eating a portion of your sandwich when you bring it over here, leaving us both unsatisfied, I would like for you to prepare two separate sandwiches, and I will eat one of them,” she said.

Tears of joy trickled down his face, and when he returned, he brought two more sodas as well.

2.

“My place is usually cleaner than this,” he said.

“Oh, not mine. Mine is a disaster. This looks good,” she said.

3.

She knocked on his car window, and he rolled it down.

“Sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I noticed that you were listening to really cool music in your car. and me and my sorority friends would really like to blow you now. Don’t thank us, thank Elvis Costello.”.

“You’re welcome,” said Elvis Costello from the back seat. “None for me, thanks, I’m married.”

4.

The phone rang. He thought he recognized the number, but he risked answering anyway.

“Hello?” he said, tentatively.

“William, it’s your ex, Connie. Listen, before you say anything, I’ve been thinking about it, and I was the one who was wrong. I thought about trying to get you back, but instead, I have just been talking you up to my hotter, younger sister, and she is down…”

5.

She stepped onto the elevator with him, but today, she finally spoke.

“Excuse me, may I just say something?”

“Sure,” he said.

“I was just noticing what a cool way you have of standing in the elevator. You really stand out, with your standing-style. Have you been practicing?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Well, it’s crazy cool. Oh, also, because of the unrehearsed way you flick your sleeve up your wrist when you check the time.”

“Totally unrehearsed,” he said.

“Wicked,” she said, unzipping his pants.

6.

“My parents had a healthy relationship, and I have no apparent mental health issues.” she said. “Including eating disorders, or addictions. I know we all say this, but I actually DO strip to pay for my degree, and I actually DO like you specifically out of all the customers in here. Pick me up tonight, I’m quitting.”

7.

“Look, I don’t expect you to have an opinion about this…” he said, dismissively. This couldn’t possibly be headed anywhere.

“Oh, I’ve got an opinion. Kirk would kick Picard’s ass,” she said.

“I – wait- What? For the first time in my life, let me say this: Please go on, I am interested in your opinion.”

“That’s pretty misogynistic.”

“I really, honestly, really want to have this debate,” he insisted.

“Well, first off, Picard is old, and he has an artificial heart…”

8.

“What should I dress up as for halloween? It’s either Dark Phoenix or X-23.”

“Oh, hey both sound pretty cool,” he said.

“Wait- someone with a skirt, from space,” she said.

“That’s my girl,” he said. “That’s my girl.”

9.

“What do you love about me? Don’t worry, I’m not looking for something specific that you won’t notice so I can hold it against you,” she said.

“Oh,” he said “uh, well, in that case, I love that you are smart.”

“Oh, that’s a lovely compliment, given that you are just slightly smarter than me,” she added.

10.

“I’m going to have a shower,” she said. “And I’m leaving the door unlocked INTENTIONALLY”.

11.

After they finished, the two of them lay there naked.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

“Oh, I, uh, well…” he said.

“Kidding! I’m kidding. I don’t give a fuck. I was just thinking about what the hell gummi bears are made out of.”

(3D model courtesy of Guy van der Walt www.plasticboy.co.uk)

So you are flicking around on a lazy Sunday, just seeing what’s on, kind of half watching three different shows when suddenly BLAM there it is. A movie that makes you put down the remote, despite the fact that it’s on cable two or three times a week, and you have seen it countless times.

Perhaps it’s just a throw back to the old days…when putting a movie on TV was kind of an event. Then came home video, and the higher cable channels and it just become less and less special. (That’s right, I’m old enough to remember BEFORE home video)

Now, the entire Star Wars Saga is on in marathon form every other holiday on Spike TV. But there are movies that still snag you, give you pause, make you smile, and make it increasingly difficult to turn the channel.

These are the SURF STOPPERS!!!

For Amber, my wife, that list includes Titanic, Dances with Wolves (I think she has a secret crush on Wind In His Hair) Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail and anything with Sandra Bullock in it.

Here are a few from my list:

THE GODFATHER

For some weird reason I almost always come into this when Michael is about to take care of the family’s little problem with the Turk and McCrosky the dirty cop. Once I’m there I absolutely can’t turn the channel until Michael drops the gun and walks out. If I have time, or I’m not getting heavy sighs and rolled eyes from the wife, I try and hang in at least until Vito hold his meeting and says “If something should happen to him, if he should be shot by the police…hanged in his jail cell…if he should be STRUCK BY LIGHTNING…then I’m gonna blame some of the people in this room…and that I do not forgive.”

I have a similar problem with Godfather part 2 now that I’m thinking about it. “I know it was you Fredo…You broke my heart!!!!”

It’s a shame they didn’t make a third one of those.

No, they didn’t.

THEY DID NOT LA LA LA LA NO THIRD MOVIE DOES NOT EXIST LA LA LA!!!!!

ALMOST FAMOUS

This movie makes me happy in innumerable ways. The soundtrack, the script, Philip Seymour Hoffman, the love letter to an era at it’s cultural peak, and from what I can tell, the only great performance in Kate Hudson’s career. Watch her face when William tells her she was just traded for 50 bucks and a case of beer. It goes through about 5 different levels of hurt, indignation, despair, and finally the urge to pull it back together with a joke. “What KIND of beer?” she asks with a sad smile and tears still streaming down her face. She DESERVED that Oscar nomination don’t doubt it for a second.

I used to identify with William the most, nerdy writer, obsessed with rock music, out of his element, dealing with a hopeless unrequited crush. Then it occurred to me that in reality,as I get older and crankier I’m Lester Bangs.

“Yeah well, you’ll meet em all again on their long journey toward the middle.”

The whole “Industry of Cool” speech explains EXACTLY how I feel about the current state of the music industry.

And Zooey Deschenel whispers “One Day…you’ll be cool” to me in my dreams.

LAWRENCE of ARABIA

This is what Dune should have looked like. The camera loves the desert every bit as much as T.E. Lawrence does, and when that music swells, and the camera pans across caramel colored ripples of sand…I mean man, I HATE the heat as only fat people can but this movie makes me ache to see the desert. Funny thing though, this only applies to anything before they take Akaba. I have no real desire to see T.E. Lawrence’s probably fictional rape fantasies being carried out. So yeah, it’s fast and loose with history but who cares? And what a cast! INTRODUCING Peter O Toole? Omar Shariff, Alec Guiness, Anthony Quinn, Jose Ferrer, Claude Rains? There were more knights in this movie than there was in Excalibur. Which reminds me…

EXCALIBUR

What a big, gorgeous awesome piece of goulda THAT movie is. If you don’t get chills when you hear the Carmina Burana and hear “Lancelot! Lancelot is with us!” as he emerges swinging in the mist…well I put it to you that you are not a man. So…you know…double check yer junk. This is a veritable buffet of Who’s Who with a healthy side of “Who’s that? You’ve got Patrick Stewart, Liam Neeson, Helen Mirren, and Gabriel Byrne, who manages to nail a hot chick while still wearing his armour, thus providing us with a vivid demonstration of Dark Ages safe sex. I love Nicol Williamson’s weird and goofy Merlin, with that great Shakespearean delivery of the charm of Making (Yes, I’ve memorized it. So what?) I love the guts, the gore, the pervasive sense of honor, and yes even the armor. This one stays on for as long as I can get away with. To this day whenever I see a spoon in mashed potatoes I mutter “He who draws the spoon from the Potatoes…he shall be king!”

ANY FIGHT IN ANY ROCKY MOVIE

If I know the fight is closing in…the channel stays right where it is until the battered and bruised Rocky staggers out and calls for his girlfriend/wife (Depending on which one you watch) I still like the fights in One and Three the best, but for some reason people have a real soft spot for Four. The appeal is completely lost on Amber. Mind you, I don’t know any girls who dig Rocky. I guess Rocky is like Rush…chicks just don’t get it

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

If Star Wars is on, I’ll often flip over to it just to see where it’s at. For some reason I always seem to be coming in at the Death Star trench run when I’m flipping around. Which reminds me…Porkins? Really? There’s a fat guy and you call him Porkins? Seems a little cruel. It seems like he got teased a lot.

“Hey Porkins, we just built you a Double Large X-X-Wing to fly, but good luck getting it off the ground”

“We greased the Cockpit for ya, buddy, you’re ready to go”

“I think his Artoo unit is a deep fryer!”

“Awww Jesus, there’s Gravy on these controls…Poooorrrrkiiiiinnnssss!”

I digress.

Anyway, I flip Star Wars and Jedi on and off, catch favourite bits and move on. But when Empire comes on…it stays on. House rule.

INHERIT THE WIND

Before there was Intelligent Design, there was just flat out prosecution

The Scopes Monkey trial fascinates me…I suppose it’s my passionate feelings on the issue but I love this play, and I love the original movie even more. I just watched a bit of the made for TV remake with Jason Robards and Kirk Douglas from the 80′s. Oddly enough, I have no problem turning that one off at all. But Spencer Tracy and Frederick March snag me just about every time. Gene Kelly also does a great job as a snide big city journalist trapped in the backwoods covering the ultimate science versus religion showdown.

Also of interest, Harry Morgan, Colonel Potter from MASH is playing the judge. Jesus, how old IS that guy? We are approaching Abe Vigioda territory here.

So gang, what stops your remote? Let us know below!

Before we begin, I would once again like to stress and clarify that these are my FAVOURITE performances. The “Best” performances would be a different kind of debate, and would, if the AFI is to be believed, need to involve a lengthy discussion of “Some Like it Hot” a movie that I appear to be completely alone in not giving a shit about.

You should also know, that my love of Python is sacred and pure, and my exclusion of them is only because they would dominate everything on the list. If I didn’t have that rule in place, the list would be “My Favourite Monty Python Guys” and the list would be only 6 items long. This is a strictly Non-Python list

So after struggling with the order, I finally narrowed it down to ten, but it proved so difficult, I felt the need to include this rather lengthy honorable mention list…

Honorable Mentions:

Kevin Kline – A Fish Called Wanda (I’m DissaPOINTED!!!!),
Steve Martin – Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (“not mother?” “Oaklahoma! Oaklahoma Oaklahoma!”) and The Jerk (“I just need this ashtray…) or The Man with Two Brains for that matter (“Get that CAT out of here!”)
Robert Downey Jr. – Tropic Thunder (For passing the phrase “Full Retard” into the vernacular)
Woody Allen – Annie Hall(“Don’t you wish real life was like this?”)
Gene Wilder – Blazing Saddles (“Yeah but I shoot with THIS hand”)
Jennifer Coolidge – Best In Show (“we could talk or, not talk…for hours”)
Fred Willard – A Mighty Wind (“Wha Happened? “ actually, Fred Willard in ANY Christopher Guest movie)
Madeline Kahn – Clue (Yes, I HATED her HATED… FLAMES!!! FLAMES!!!)
Bill Murray – Caddyshack (“Cindrella story…Outta nowhere…”)
Dan Akroyd – The Blues Brothers (“You want I should wipe da bugs off yer windshield?”)
Jim Carrey – Dumb and Dumber (“Big Gulp’s huh? Well, see ya!)
Harry Shearer – Spinal Tap (“are we going to do Stonehenge tomorrow?”)
Rick Moranis – Ghostbusters (“Ghostbusters…? Who does your taxes?”)

So with that out of the way, I present to you my

Top Ten Favourite Performances in a Comedy Movie.

10.Chevy Chase: National Lampoon’s Vacation

Call me a purist, but I don’t like ANY of the sequels to this movie. The dark edge of Vacation was quickly replaced by the broad double takes and crass one liners in its sequels. Clark Griswald was clearly an idiot, but he was a much more relate-able idiot in the first movie…certainly a more empathetic one. Chevy’s dry delivery, and put upon patience works perfectly and it makes his blow up at the end believable and hilarious. The original is a classic, thanks in no small part to Chevy Chase

9. Steve Carell: Anchorman

Steve Carell committed an act of grand larceny…he out and out stole Anchorman from Will Ferrell. This is the performance that got him The 40 Year Old Virgin, which launched him as a comedy superstar. That utterly blank stare, complete cluelessness, desperate to keep up with the machismo around him. Almost every phrase he utters is a gem. But Will Ferrell needn’t worry because number 8 is…

8.Will Ferrell: Elf

Pure unabashed joy. I laughed over “Good News, I saw a dog today!” for days afterward. Now to be fair, I’m a complete sucker for Christmas, but I think we can all agree if there is a character tailor made for Will Ferrell’s gifts, it’s Buddy the Elf. No one does over the top enthusiasm better. I wasn’t a Will Ferell fan until I saw this movie.

7.Peter Sellers: Dr. Strangelove

Jesus, where do I start? Perhaps I’ll start by griping that this comedic performance for the ages was ROBBED of an Oscar by David Fucking Niven sleepwalking his way through “My Fair Lady”. If you ever doubt that comedy will always be a second class citizen on award shows, you need look no further than that. All three of the characters Sellers played in this movie are NOTE PERFECT, but I have a special place in my heart for the President… “Demitri…? How do you think I feel?” This is a comedic genius at the height of his powers

6. Catherine O’Hara : Waiting for Guffman

No one does purposely bad acting better than Catherine O’Hara. It’s almost like she embarked on a 5 week tour of small town amateur theatres to prepare for the role. She has every nuance down, the weird rising inflection, the grade school hammy acting, the awkward shuffling stage movement, and the inflated sense of importance. She is great in everything she does, but this performance is so layered, and so funny, it stands head and shoulders above just about everything else she’s done.

5.John Belushi: National Lampoon’s Animal House

This one is as much about the iconography as it is the performance…this list would be woefully inadequate without a mention of Bluto. The scene where they are sneaking in to the stables alone is worth his inclusion, that’s not even mentioning The Pep talk (Both to Flounder and to his recently expelled Deltas) and the Ladder scene. Belushi was a star the minute he set foot on the stage at Second City…this is the movie where he let everyone else know it.

4. Christopher Guest: This is Spinal Tap

This is a standout performance in a movie that is wall to wall great performances. And not just through the oft quoted bits…one of my favorite scenes is when Nigel goes back to the dressing room to tell his former band mates that Sex farm is charting in Japan. (“Spinal Tap’s recording of Sex Farm?”) He says more with a look and a shrug than most actors say with a three page monologue. Go back and have another look at that scene, even so called “Dramatic actors” could learn a lesson or two there.

3.Leslie Nielsen: Airplane

Once upon a time , Leslie Nielsen had no clue he was funny. That became the key to his success in Airplane, which is played stone cold straight no matter how absurd things got. For awhile, there was no one better for Zucker Abrams style lunacy. But, as he got cast in more and more comedies, he started “trying” to be funny, and it devolved into shameless and painful mugging, until he was a direct to video shadow of his former greatness. But we will always have this performance in Airplane, one of the funniest performances in one of the funniest movie’s ever made.

2. Richard E, Grant: Withnail and I

He is a selfish, arrogant, cowardly, manipulative, irredeemable alcoholic bastard, and by the time the movie is over and he is reciting Hamlet in the rain at Hyde Park damned if you don’t love the guy. Or at least feel for him. This is a brilliant, insanely quotable performance, one that will follow Richard E. Grant around until the end of his days. (But somehow, I don’t think he minds) It takes a lot of doing to make this monster human and likeable. When you consider Grant is a complete teetotaler, it becomes even more impressive.

And my Favourite performance in a comedy movie…

1. Bill Murray: Ghostbusters

“I’m so excited…you are about to find out who to call”

-Zombieland

I had a “Ghostbusters quote-a-thon” on my Facebook status recently and 98 percent of the quotes came from Bill Murray’s Dr. Peter Venkmen. He is throwing away lines most actors would kill for with a casual shrug because there are so many more coming. There is never a moment in this movie when he is NOT funny, and it all looks so fucking EFFORTLESS. He is the only guy in the world who can look goofy and cool at the exact same time. When you say “Bill Murray” this is the role you picture…the laid back sarcastic shyster, this role more than any other sums up why we love the guy so much. He made the line “I’m gonna check the fridge” funny, for God’s sake. I wouldn’t have thought that was humanly possible.

So there it is…another list for you to debate with me and amongst yourselves. Did I miss anyone? Let me know!

Having just read David Cross’s book “I Drink for a Reason” (which we recommend, by the way) we read that David Cross has a Google alert on his name “David Cross” so if the name “David Cross” is prominently mentioned, it will come to his (and by his I mean David Cross’s) attention. Having been big fans of David Cross since the brilliant Mr. Show, written by and starring David Cross and Bob “I’m not David Cross and I don’t have a Google alert so I won’t get mentioned as often as David Cross” Oedenkirk, I thought I might take this opportunity to mention to David Cross that we are big David Cross fans. The Mr. Show David Cross, who was also the David Cross in Arrested Development, who is the writer performer of such David Cross albums as David Cross’s “Shut up you Fucking Baby” by David Cross. We are big fans of the David Cross who played Alan Ginsburg, who coincidentally was also the David Cross who played a guy in Men in Black. We are not big fans of the David Cross of Alvin and the Chipmunks, but being David Cross is expensive, and David Cross has got to get paid. So To the David Cross who’s David Cross-ness has David Crossed David Crossiosity to David Cross and non David Cross fans alike, the Correctness would like to say a big hello to you, David Cross.

David Crossly,

David Cross (If The Correctness was named David Cross)

P.S. DAVID CROSS!!!

It’s no secret that The Correctness are big fans of Joss Whedon. He’s made a string of shows that are brilliant, funny, and engaging. We watched Buffy (movie and show), We watched Angel. We loved the hell out of Firefly and Serenity. We crushed on Dr Horrible. We (well, at least some of we) really dig Dollhouse. But Joss, buddy, we need to talk about how the networks (we’re mostly looking at you, Fox!) treat you.

The Friday night death slot is just that. Death. If they air you on Friday, they cancel you soon after. You know it, we know it. The executives and their notes, asking you to change this or that, showing episodes out of order, making you reshoot pilot episodes, etc. The list goes on.

Here are the facts: You know how to make good TV. You know how to find like-minded people to help you do this. You have a great rapport with your actors, and have gathered a stable of folks who will do anything you sign on for. And, hey, millions of fans who feel likewise.

We know you were doing Eliza a solid by taking on Dollhouse through Fox. But after the reports that Fox will “air all 13 episodes this season” and that you’re being shelved for the sweeps period, we’re all in agreement that Fox doesn’t give a crap about you.

So, we’ve been thinking about this, and we think that you should ditch TV once and for all. We keep our eye on things like DVD sales, and we noted that even a show like Babylon 5, which was a cult favorite, and not a mainstream hit, in the words of its creator “have raised over 500 million in revenue.” Dr. Horrible was a big hit, and it wasn’t made for TV at all. You see what we’re getting at?

Get a few backers together (or hey, maybe you have the cash to bankroll the thing yourself), and produce your own show, make it, slap it on iTunes, sell DVDs at the end of season, get it on Hulu. You KNOW we’ll all fork over some cash to see more great storytelling. At the very worst, we’ll still treat you better than the network execs.

The press will still cover you, network or no. The ComicCon crowds will spread the world. The fanboys will love your bold steps, and we’ll be done with the Fox network entirely (well, okay, we’ll keep watching House, but that’s it!). We’ll even start a whole new site called “The Jossness”. Or not, that sounds pretty lame. Then, when you’ve proven the model works, when the Season 1 DVD sales roll in, you can ramp up the production values for season 2, when everything gets good anyway.

Also, when all this works out, remember your old friends at The Correctness. And give J.M.S. a call, and tell him to do this too.

Love, The Correctness.

Dear Big Trouble in Little China:

It’s been a a year or two since we were together last, but my love for you is still as strong as that day in 1986 when we first met. I loved you then, and I love you now.

I love that you combine elements of Kung-Fu, action, adventure, and comedy films in a giant mash-up, so that I never know what is coming next. I love that you never take yourself too seriously, yet you treat your characters with care and thoroughness. I love your giant battle scenes, complete with bad-ass hand signals. I love the swaggering bravado of Jack Burton, and the fact that while he thinks he’s Indiana Jones, he’s really quite bad at what he does.

I love your cast of interesting and strange characters, from the wild and mysterious Egg Shen to the bright and resourceful Wang Chi (who is either the sidekick, or the hero, depending on how you look at it.) Even Gracie Law, who enters the “Dragon of the Black Pool” restaurant with the line “Don’t Panic, it’s only me, Gracie Law”. She and Jack fire dialogue at each other like they’re in “His Girl Friday.” Speaking of Jack, Jack Burton is the manliest man ever to spit out lines like “I was born ready”,”It’s all in the reflexes”, and “When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like that: “Have ya paid your dues, Jack?” “Yessir, the check is in the mail.” ” Not to mention David Lo Pan, the ancient sorcerer, and his henchmen, The Three Storms.

I love your rich, detailed sets. The Dragon of the Black Pool is warm and inviting, a restaurant after hours with a family meal being prepared. David Lo Pan’s endless factory with its rooms filled with ornate Chinese artifacts. I love the Chinese Hell of upside Down Sinners (the Chinese have a lot of Hells). I love the paper doors (“Paper? Paper. F*#$ it.”) I even love the cheesy neon lighting that appears in the throne room battle.

I love your quirky plot, following Jack’s attempt to get his truck back, and free Miao Yin from the clutches of Lo Pan. His epic struggle against forces bigger and stronger than himself. I love the Six Demon Bag, and the magic potion that makes him feel pretty good.
I especially love the way Jack charges into battle…well…not so much charges, more “immediately gets knocked out”.

You’re not the most thrilling movie ever made, nor are you the most moving. But you’re perfect at what you do. You’re a cult classic that works hard at telling a story, no matter how ludicrous a plot you weave. You’ve aged MUCH better than say “Buckaroo Banzai”.

So, while new loves come in to my life, and others fade in to the distance, rest assured that I’ll always come back to you.

Love,

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