Dear 24:

I never thought we’d get to the place where I would have to do this, but I’m breaking up with you. It shouldn’t come as much of a shock, we’ve barely seen each other in the last year or so, and neither of us seem every interested in staying together. Between my lackluster interest in you, and your refusal to change, or try anything other than the same old tired tricks, well, it’s inevitable.

When we first got together, I was in awe of you. Your smart, choppy style, your boundary pushing narrative devices, the way you showed me what everyone was doing the last few seconds of each hour. And when our second year together started, I was shocked at the ferocity you showed.

But after 3 or 4 years, the tricks wore off, and you showed me what was at your heart, and that was some pretty horrible formulaic crap. I loathe the way you try to excite me off the top, and then fall into a boring pattern of introducing some minor characters I don’t give a rat’s ass about. You follow the same pattern of getting a lead, having that lead move towards another lead, etc, until midseason, when you introduce a pretty obvious “game changer!”, which you then don’t act on until the very end of the season.

Your acting has never been your strong suit, and your logic often falls apart. The further I get from loving you, the more I wonder how I fell for you in the first place. But then I remember, it was all about Jack. Because he was awesome, and powerful, and everything we wanted in a leading man. Of course, as the years go on, he becomes more predictable, and shouty, and he keeps running out of time, and shouting that into whatever phone is closest.

So, I think that it’s best if we go our separate ways, you into more of the same old thing, with new characters that I won’t even bother to care about, and me back to my true love: “LOST”.

Thanks, it was fun.

Having just read David Cross’s book “I Drink for a Reason” (which we recommend, by the way) we read that David Cross has a Google alert on his name “David Cross” so if the name “David Cross” is prominently mentioned, it will come to his (and by his I mean David Cross’s) attention. Having been big fans of David Cross since the brilliant Mr. Show, written by and starring David Cross and Bob “I’m not David Cross and I don’t have a Google alert so I won’t get mentioned as often as David Cross” Oedenkirk, I thought I might take this opportunity to mention to David Cross that we are big David Cross fans. The Mr. Show David Cross, who was also the David Cross in Arrested Development, who is the writer performer of such David Cross albums as David Cross’s “Shut up you Fucking Baby” by David Cross. We are big fans of the David Cross who played Alan Ginsburg, who coincidentally was also the David Cross who played a guy in Men in Black. We are not big fans of the David Cross of Alvin and the Chipmunks, but being David Cross is expensive, and David Cross has got to get paid. So To the David Cross who’s David Cross-ness has David Crossed David Crossiosity to David Cross and non David Cross fans alike, the Correctness would like to say a big hello to you, David Cross.

David Crossly,

David Cross (If The Correctness was named David Cross)

P.S. DAVID CROSS!!!

It’s no secret that The Correctness are big fans of Joss Whedon. He’s made a string of shows that are brilliant, funny, and engaging. We watched Buffy (movie and show), We watched Angel. We loved the hell out of Firefly and Serenity. We crushed on Dr Horrible. We (well, at least some of we) really dig Dollhouse. But Joss, buddy, we need to talk about how the networks (we’re mostly looking at you, Fox!) treat you.

The Friday night death slot is just that. Death. If they air you on Friday, they cancel you soon after. You know it, we know it. The executives and their notes, asking you to change this or that, showing episodes out of order, making you reshoot pilot episodes, etc. The list goes on.

Here are the facts: You know how to make good TV. You know how to find like-minded people to help you do this. You have a great rapport with your actors, and have gathered a stable of folks who will do anything you sign on for. And, hey, millions of fans who feel likewise.

We know you were doing Eliza a solid by taking on Dollhouse through Fox. But after the reports that Fox will “air all 13 episodes this season” and that you’re being shelved for the sweeps period, we’re all in agreement that Fox doesn’t give a crap about you.

So, we’ve been thinking about this, and we think that you should ditch TV once and for all. We keep our eye on things like DVD sales, and we noted that even a show like Babylon 5, which was a cult favorite, and not a mainstream hit, in the words of its creator “have raised over 500 million in revenue.” Dr. Horrible was a big hit, and it wasn’t made for TV at all. You see what we’re getting at?

Get a few backers together (or hey, maybe you have the cash to bankroll the thing yourself), and produce your own show, make it, slap it on iTunes, sell DVDs at the end of season, get it on Hulu. You KNOW we’ll all fork over some cash to see more great storytelling. At the very worst, we’ll still treat you better than the network execs.

The press will still cover you, network or no. The ComicCon crowds will spread the world. The fanboys will love your bold steps, and we’ll be done with the Fox network entirely (well, okay, we’ll keep watching House, but that’s it!). We’ll even start a whole new site called “The Jossness”. Or not, that sounds pretty lame. Then, when you’ve proven the model works, when the Season 1 DVD sales roll in, you can ramp up the production values for season 2, when everything gets good anyway.

Also, when all this works out, remember your old friends at The Correctness. And give J.M.S. a call, and tell him to do this too.

Love, The Correctness.

Dear Big Trouble in Little China:

It’s been a a year or two since we were together last, but my love for you is still as strong as that day in 1986 when we first met. I loved you then, and I love you now.

I love that you combine elements of Kung-Fu, action, adventure, and comedy films in a giant mash-up, so that I never know what is coming next. I love that you never take yourself too seriously, yet you treat your characters with care and thoroughness. I love your giant battle scenes, complete with bad-ass hand signals. I love the swaggering bravado of Jack Burton, and the fact that while he thinks he’s Indiana Jones, he’s really quite bad at what he does.

I love your cast of interesting and strange characters, from the wild and mysterious Egg Shen to the bright and resourceful Wang Chi (who is either the sidekick, or the hero, depending on how you look at it.) Even Gracie Law, who enters the “Dragon of the Black Pool” restaurant with the line “Don’t Panic, it’s only me, Gracie Law”. She and Jack fire dialogue at each other like they’re in “His Girl Friday.” Speaking of Jack, Jack Burton is the manliest man ever to spit out lines like “I was born ready”,”It’s all in the reflexes”, and “When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like that: “Have ya paid your dues, Jack?” “Yessir, the check is in the mail.” ” Not to mention David Lo Pan, the ancient sorcerer, and his henchmen, The Three Storms.

I love your rich, detailed sets. The Dragon of the Black Pool is warm and inviting, a restaurant after hours with a family meal being prepared. David Lo Pan’s endless factory with its rooms filled with ornate Chinese artifacts. I love the Chinese Hell of upside Down Sinners (the Chinese have a lot of Hells). I love the paper doors (”Paper? Paper. F*#$ it.”) I even love the cheesy neon lighting that appears in the throne room battle.

I love your quirky plot, following Jack’s attempt to get his truck back, and free Miao Yin from the clutches of Lo Pan. His epic struggle against forces bigger and stronger than himself. I love the Six Demon Bag, and the magic potion that makes him feel pretty good.
I especially love the way Jack charges into battle…well…not so much charges, more “immediately gets knocked out”.

You’re not the most thrilling movie ever made, nor are you the most moving. But you’re perfect at what you do. You’re a cult classic that works hard at telling a story, no matter how ludicrous a plot you weave. You’ve aged MUCH better than say “Buckaroo Banzai”.

So, while new loves come in to my life, and others fade in to the distance, rest assured that I’ll always come back to you.

Love,

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