Dear Future generations,

I am flattered and deeply honored that young people, and people of many ages have come to afford me a somewhat iconic status. I do not wish to appear ungrateful, and I am glad I have been chosen as the unofficial face of revolutionary politics.

However, I feel I must tell you that I did not bust my ass fighting government forces in  the stinking hot Cuban countryside so my face could be worn on the chest of every douchebag who heard a Rage Against the Machine album.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good picture. My wife loved it. Even I was thinking of getting it put on a coffee mug, but that was just for me. And Fidel, I was going to send him one as a joke. But it seems that Cuba, in its revolutionary zeal has used me in much the same way Disney uses Mickey Mouse.

I am the Mickey Mouse of Socialism.

I am on everything from paintings, to mugs, tee-shirts, keychains, temporary tattoos, you name it. They even have a French restaurant called “Chez Guevara”. They don’t actually have a guy in a big foam Che Guevara outfit taking pictures with tourists…yet, but I’m guessing it’s not that far off. The irony that my anti capitalist message has turned into a booming business has not gone unnoticed and it is annoying the fuck out of me

So let me make myself very clear to you rich white college students…YOU ARE THE PROBLEM I WAS FIGHTING IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! You are the ultimate capitalist consumers, and no amount of novelty T-shirts and berets with Red stars on them is going to make you any less of a mindless consumer. Also when you hang my poster up next to one of Heidi Klum…the two posters are actually cancelling each other out, and all the girls you bring back to your room will  think you are a huge douche.

I would like to remind you at this juncture that I was captured and shot…several times, I might add, by Bolivians with backing from the CIA. It hurt like a bitch. But I was okay with doing it for the cause of ridding the world of the imperialist policies which are still creating crushing poverty all over the third world. I did not do it to give you a cool idea for a tattoo, you dumb fuck.

You want to do something revolutionary? Tell the Americans to drop the trade blockade with Cuba. They can’t possibly still be pissed about the whole Bay of Pigs/Missle Crisis thing can they? Jesus Christ The Americans dropped TWO NUCLEAR BOMBS on Japan, and they got past it enough to trade with America. I tell you what, open up trade with Cuba and I will personally throw in a free box of Che Guevara key chains.

And Elian Gonzales.

Viva Le Revolution,

Che

I caught the trailer for “Cowboys and Aliens”, and watched a couple of genres collided head on. It didn’t exceedingly awesome, but I’m long past betting for or against films based on trailers made by marketing guys. It did get me thinking about summer blockbusters, and what gets put up on the screen.

I’m pretty sure I’ve railed about this sort of thing before, but it does seem to me that as nerds/pop culture fanatics, we seem to be getting everything we want these days. The majority of summer films for the last few years have a comic book films, or sci-fi/fantasy. I’m not so sure it’s a good thing.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there have been some great things on TV and in the theatres. Games of Thrones is a pretty great looking show (though the shakiness of the writing is hard to ignore sometimes), and things like The Walking Dead and Lord of the Rings are awesome to have around. It just seems like the community is an 8yr old who asked for some cake, and is now being served nothing BUT cake.

And the cake isn’t even that good anymore. The last couple of superhero movies aren’t being met with comments about how awesome they are, or how they’re like a dream come true. It’s mostly “It was better than X, not as good as Y”. Is that the sort of praise that makes you want to run out to the theatre? “the New Pirates of the Caribbean is better than the last two.” Well, the last two were pretty damn crappy, so what exactly does that tell me? (full disclosure, I haven’t yet see Thor, Green Lantern or On Stranger Tides yet).

I’m not even saying cancel them all, kill anything nerd-like. I think there’s a happy medium, and we’ll all be better off when Hollywood starts to grow bored with mining our culture. There were Superhero and Space movies before they became omnipresent, and there will be after.

There’s a downside to the popularity as well. Dc and Marvel see the popularity of say, the Avengers films, and start increasing the number of Avengers titles and cancelling other books to make way. If you look at the Marvel line (DC gets a momentary pass due to the fact that they’re launching 52 new titles, but they’re guilty of the multi books per character as well), over the last few years, books are categorized, and fit in to a “family” or line. Between Spidey, X-Men, and the Avengers, there’s very little that doesn’t fit in one of their orbits. We know they won’t sustain that many titles in one area, it’s a mining operation at best.

Will the Green Lantern film change the course of the books? Will they start homogenizing characters to make them more screen ready? Certainly a certain Shield slinging character recently was removed to align things up with a new movie. The X-men dressed in black leather for a while when the first film came out.

Maybe it’s just me, but even the big screen releases don’t make me crazy excited anymore. I think it’s symptomatic of too much cake. I’m a big Green Lantern fan (full disclosure: Since Blackest Night, it seems to have fallen off the rails), but I wasn’t jumping for joy about a movie coming out. None of this year’s blockbusters made me excited. I’ll catch all of them at some point, none of them in the theatre. I’ll see Avengers next year, as my Whedon crush will outweigh the fact that I think the Avengers are the most boring team in all of comics.

Will I go to Cowboys and Aliens? Probably not. I like Harrison Ford, but he’s not really the Harrison Ford I know and love. Daniel Craig? meh. One good reason to go…

Your thoughts? opinions? cake?

Why Puny Humans no leave Hulk Reboot Alone?

As part of our continuing service to you, The Correct, we continually find things for you to be in favour of. In our crazy, fast paced, webmanic society, it’s easy to miss something. Our “A Case For” series presents something (a TV show, film, Book, Band etc) that might deserve a look.
Our first installment “A Case For: Farscape” was presented by one of our regular readers, and we encourage that sort of behavior. If you have something you’d like to make a case for, write it up and send it to us at admin@thecorrectness.com . See the end of the article for more info.
This week, we bring you A Case for “The Incredible Hulk” Louis Letterier’s 2008 reboot, brought to you by Tbinns

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In 2003 we got a Hulk movie by Ang Lee, an enormously gifted film maker. It was what I like to refer to as a bold and magnificent failure. It was less a comic book movie and more a two plus hour haiku about anger. I appreciated the fact that it was taken seriously. I appreciated the effort the cast put in. I appreciated the fact that it was trying to add psychological depth.I appreciated Jennifer Connelly. In fact let’s all take a moment to appreciate Jennifer Connolly…

Tbinnsing, y’all

But “Hulk” was ultimately a mess. Hulk Poodles? Nick Nolte is Bruce’s dad, who kinda becomes the absorbing man, and then they have a cloudy confrontation at the end? Ugggh. No wonder Marvel wanted a reboot.

And so… with a collective rolling of the public’s eyes, Marvel set out to do the Hulk right. Unfortunately the general public had already been bitten once, and were not too keen to give The Ever Lovin Hulk a second chance. They still had fresh memories of not enjoying the last one. Consequently, 2008’s “The Incredible Hulk” got short shrift and is generally regarded as Marvel Studios worst effort.

I have been a Hulk fan since childhood. Who didn’t fantasize about sending their playground tormentors running as you Hulked out and smashed the jungle gym to splinters? (No? Just me? Fair enough). And as a fan with anger issues I have to say I dug the HELL out of the Incredible Hulk. More than Iron Man 2. More than Thor even. I maintain that if THIS movie came out first, it would be held in much higher regard by the public. So in the midst of a superhero heavy summer, I urge you to give The Incredible Hulk a second look. And here is why…

1. Edward Norton

The problem with Bana, I think was that he looked like a hero to begin with. He was definitely a leading man type. I have always pictured Banner to be a weedy little scientist with a desperate and haunted look in the eye. A brilliant man who wants nothing more than to eliminate the possibility of hurting anyone, especially those he loves. Norton played this perfectly… a man on the run from himself and the military machine who wants to use him as a weapon. Norton captured the intensity, the loneliness, the inherent decency, and yes even the sense of humor perfectly. Bana was definitely good…but Norton was better

2. The Fight scenes

Let’s get the big complaint out of the way…Of course the CGI looks fake. It’s a giant green man. It is NEVER going to look photo realistic…it’s so outlandish the human eye rejects it almost immediately upon seeing it. If you can’t let that go you have no business going to see a Hulk movie in the first place. This was a meaner leaner Hulk that kicked some serious ass. Exhibit A) The fight sequence on the Campus. Hulk versus the Super Soldiered Blonsky. We got a real glimpse of what Cap vs. Hulk might look like on the big screen and it was awesome.

And the best part was the delightful little button right on the end…

The Hulk is about to put the "boot" in "reboot"

“Oh it looks soo fake and rubbery!!!!” comes the cry from the internet.

Here’s an extra big slice of “Shut the Fuck up, it’s fun” for you, then.

And exhibit B) The big fight at the end…Hulk and Abomination, knocking the living shit out of each other as it should be. Not enveloped in a cloud that wants his anger and ultimately can’t handle it (again, what the fuck?) Just two gamma radiatiated gentlemen working out their differences , using police cars as boxing gloves, and destroying half a city while doing so. I’m not huge fan of the DESIGN on the Abomination…but clearly THAT was the villain the movie needed, and the fight it needed. Like I suggested in my “How to make a Superman Movie” article, our hero needs to face something bigger, stronger, and meaner, and defeat it using determination, guts and brains.

And the theatre audience I saw it with cheered like crazy when he said “Hulk Smash!”

3. It Fits Seamlessly into the Marvel Universe

I actually quite like the little Easter eggs linking the Marvel movies together and this one sowed plenty of seeds to make it fit into the bigger picture. We saw the origin of the Leader, Stark Military technology, Super Soldier serum in action and of course the now traditional post credit sequence. And if the film hadn’t been cut quite so frantically, we might have even seen a glimpse of Cap himself. Unlike some of the bits in Iron Man 2, most of this is worked in very cleverly and without a heavy hand. There’s even a couple of nods to the TV show for a few sharp eyed viewers

4. Liv Tyler in Tina Fey Glasses

Mmmmm. Betty-licous

5. General “Thunderbolt” Ross is a Douche…As He Should Be

The casting of Sam Elliot as General Thunderbolt Ross was kind of a stroke of genius, but ultimately there is always going to be something sympathetic and noble about a Sam Elliot character. And indeed, in this case, Ross was a man whose priorities were to keep his daughter, and the civilian population safe, even if that meant locking Banner away for life in a bunker. And while that does take the character out of the realm of cartoon bad guy…I’m not sure that is the right call. I prefer the idea of Hurt’s General Ross, a die hard military opportunist, looking to exploit the Hulk for his own nefarious purposes, willing to endanger his soldiers with unproven enhancement drugs , and his daughter by using her as bait. General Ross is a slimy bastard, and William Hurt made him suitably oily

As we come to the Avengers movie next year we will be on our third cinematic interpretation of the Hulk in less than 10 years. We have yet another Bruce Banner and probably yet another CGI Hulk design. Personally, I don’t think it is necessary. I think the 2008 reboot is a gem, with some awesome action sequences, some good acting, some great shots (The pan up the slums of Portugal is fantastic)and more importantly it was true to the character and FUN. Do you hear me Ang Lee? FUN!! And how many of our fellow internet shut ins bitch about wasting time on Superhero origin stories? This one didn’t waste any time on that…it was all taken care of neatly and effectively in the credits. And yet, people still bitch… I say to them that The Incredible Hulk is not the Abomination (Ha! Word play Liz Lemon!) that they think it is, and they need to give it a repeat viewing.
Now excuse me , I’m going to go put on my Hulk Hands and frighten the neighborhood children.

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If you have a show or film or book or band you’d like to make a case for, we’d love to hear from you. Read the rules below, and drop us a line.
The rules:
1) Give us 5 good reasons we should care, or watch, or listen etc. Make them compelling. Remember, you’re trying to sell this to us, and our readers.
2) Send pictures along with the article. Admin_rock doesn’t like to work harder than he has to, so be sure to send pics, or links to pics in the article.

Introduction to the Correctness Classics Version

Joseph Campbell tells us the hero’s journey is sacred, something that is indelibly stamped in to our consciousness. We love tales of great heroes overcoming odds, journeying miles away from home, and overcoming monstrous adversaries. Late in the 20th century, an anonymous epic poet captured the struggles of just such a hero, who struggles to win the love of fair Joanie, a hero who can undo bras and sweaters with the power of his mind, and who ultimately ends up “In Charge” But the decline of the hero is equally important. What would Arthurian legend be without Arthur’s final journey with the handmaidens? Robin Hood would feel incomplete without him shooting his final arrow to show his men where to lay him to rest. And so it must be with Scott Baoiwulf, who ultimately ends up 45…and single. No hero can be truly great without a great fall, and by those criteria, Scott Baiowulf is one of our greatest. He truly deserves his place in the literary canon, and to be shoved down the throats of bored high school English students for generations to come. In the tradition of boring the young and feckless, the Correctness proudly presents excerpts from the epic…Scott Baiowulf.

A Note about Pronunciation

The poem is written in Slightly Older English, and is part of an oral tradition* that dates back decades. As such the pronunciations may sound strange to the modern ear. For instance, the name “Joanie” is pronounced “Yownie”.In many translations it is actually spelled Ionie, a small inconsistency that has caused many a tedious term paper. Archaic pronunciations such as these are important when considering meter…the one syllable “Zapped” becomes the two syllable “Zapp-ED”

*(The oral tradition stems from people of decades past having no text capabilities, and therefore having to actually talk to people on their rotary phones.)

Scott Baiowulf

Part one- Haeppy Days

Sun’s Day, Moon’s Day, Haeppy Dayes
Tewes’s Day, Wednes Day, Haeppy Dayes
Thor’s Day, Freya’s Day, Haeppy Dayes
Saturn’s Day, Whaet a day
Gruven awl week with you
These days are Awl
Haeppy and Free
These days are Awl
Shaer them with me
These days are yurs and maen
Haeppy Days

Ael commanded an even greater hall
Be built upon the ashes of the last
So Feasting could continyew…
“Ya, Ya, Ya Ya,” ** Ael spake

* The catchphrase is very important in late 20th century televised prose. A good catchphrase meant your character was recurring. A Catchphrase and an applause break meant you got a spin off

** Nope, sorry Al. Lame catchphrase, no spin off for you

Editor’s note:It goes on like this for some time. Actually about 3 or 4 seasons longer than it should have. So we are skipping Scott Baiowulf’s famed Battle with Cunningham’s Mother, his battle against the word destroying Ted McGinley, and his tedious marriage to the Maid Joanie in the “Joanie Loves Chachi” stanzas to focus on a less oft discussed episode. Here our Hero faces a more egregious foe…unexposed breasts. Here is a sample of Episode three..called by scholars the “Zapped” Stanzas

With power newfound,Scott Baiowulf
of the Geeks wrestled
Struggling with his nubile foe
Striking with mighty foerce
He raises his hand

Trae as she maey,
To hide her tittae shaeme
Her breasts exposed
For Biaowulf’s gaen

Many scholars argue for different authorship here, with the Zapped Stanzas bearing many of the traits that are more common with early eighties story telling. The bullying tribe of Jocks who war with Biouwulfs tribe of Geeks, The Bloends of the Chaerleader tribe getting their breasts exposed against their will, and a triumphant hero, who, after defeating the jocks and seeing as many bloende breasts as he can, settling down with a nerdy brunette who looks amazing when her glasses come off. Even the grand finale at the Feast of Prom has all the hallmarks of the decade. This does argue for a shared authorship, with the work being embellished by subsequent tellings.

Finally, we take a look at the penultimate chapter in our Hero’s journey, when he was rightly given leadership of his own tribe, utterly in charge…with his steadfast sidekick from the Zapped Stanzas “Guey frome Ete is Enouff” at his side. But his restlessness, and subsequent fall remind us that it is the journey, not the rewards that make us great.

Chearles ine Chaerge
Of owr days and owr naets
Chearles in Chearge
Of our rawngs and our riaets

He Waenders now
in Memory still
how once was greate
a Rebublican shill

There were many who wanted Chearles in Chearge of them

Also Available in the Correctness Illustrated Classic’s Series

The Epic of Gilgerard
The classic tale of a warrior with a hot space colonel and annoying robot sidekicks

The Jilliad
A Seafaring Captain finds he has a daughter, who grows to learn about Love on the Lido deck

The Toddysey
It takes different strokes and a massive coke habit to break the hero of this epic tale

Some of our regular readers know that I am a student teacher, and as such I am surrounded by children who have no idea how offensive or hilarious they are. An example:

Kid: I like your toque, Mr. M! Where did you get it?

Me: Thanks, my mom gave it to me.

Kid: What? I thought your mom was dead!

Me: Not to the best of my knowledge.

In any case, we had an incident on the playground the other day rife with racial tension. I work with quite young kids, grade 1 and 2, and one lunch hour a group of wee girls came rushing over to me because “Susie” was crying. Her real name is not Susie, but in fact something that originated in Ghana. I was guided over Susie, who was indeed quite upset. Apparently “Gladys”, who is not actually named Gladys, but something that originated from a trailer park, had been calling Susie “Black” in a really negative way. Susie, for the record, is in fact black, but nobody likes to have a negative spin put on their race. Gladys, for the record, is so whitebread she has a “Wonder” tattoo on her forehead.

I talked to Susie, and tried to get the story. It sounded a bit confused, and I hoped maybe there had been a miscommunication, which is wildly common amongst 7 year olds. I went to talk to Gladys, and then back to Susie, and then I spoke to both of them together, and it turned out it was all a big mix up. I didn’t press the issue, because one thing 7 year olds are very skilled at is concocting stories in which their victimhood will earn them attention and cookies. Nonetheless, racist or intolerant behaviour is best nipped in the bud, and I followed up as best and as seriously as I could. All’s well that ends well?

3:00 rolled around, and Susie and Gladys had patched things up. They were giddily playing as they waited to be dismissed, and they both rushed up to talk to me.

“We’re best friends again!” Susie said to me.

“Oh, that’s really good to hear,” I said, relieved.

“Yeah, we’re best friends,” said Gladys.

If, and only if it had ended there, it would have been fine. But alas…

“Yeah, she’s my master now!” said Susie.

My jaw dropped. “What?”

“She’s my master now!” Insisted little black Susie cheerfully.

“Uh…” I added, unhelpfully.

“Yeah, and she’s my horsie!” said Gladys.

“OH! Oh, well, uh, I, okay, then, I guess…” I said.

“Yep! giddyup Horsie!” said Gladys, adding a whip-cracking sound for authenticity.

“Yay! Ride me!” said Susie.

“Faster Horsie!” added Gladys, as she climbed atop Susie.

Then, the bell rang, and they rode into the sunset, Gladys cracking her whip, Susie laughing hysterically, and me totally speechless.

Good news everyone! We have excerpts from the 2009 guidebook to Middle Earth!

Staying in the Barrow Downs:

Accommodations:

Accommodations are available, but dusty at best. If your room has a barrow wight, you’ll want to put in a call to Tom Bombadil, his songs are the strongest.

Weather:

While the weather on the downs itself is temperate, the weather inside the barrows tends to be clammy and chilled. You probably don’t need rain gear, as the thought of returning to the surface will be overwhelmed by the soul-sucking desire to stay where you are and die.

Dining out:

Unless you ate with Tom Bombadil and Goldberry, or are packing lembas, it’s going to be pretty slim pickings on the downs. Wights have an unparalleled disinterest in fine cuisine, unless, again, you count sucking your will to live as dining, which the authors of this guidebook certainly do not.

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Isengard and Area:

Accommodations:

Since only the foolhardy would risk the Fangorn forest, Orthanc becomes the only viable housing in much of Isengard. Sadly, to paraphrase Gandalf’s review of Edoras in the Riddermark, the courtesy of this hall is somewhat lessened of late. There is really only one central room in Orthanc, and recent guests have found the interior to be a post-modern hodgepodge of a design- somewhat like the Fortress of Solitude, but with none of the Scandinavian cleanliness. The roof, watch your step, is exceptionally spiky, and being hurled against it repeatedly would be uncomfortable at best.

Entertainment:

Well, it’s a real stretch to call an Entmoot entertaining, so bring your special brownies if you are going to listen to this listless whale music all night. Otherwise, it’s a view of the orc pits which, while industrial, are quite remarkable. The writers of this guidebook heartily recommend you bring your pipeweed either way.

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Rivendell/ Imladris:

Entertainment:

The mood of Rivendell is entirely dependent on the mood of the Elves. Visit with Bilbo, and it’s all show tunes and travel songs, ALL THE TIME. Visit during the end of the Third Age, and it’s all Elrond being pissy, and hardly a jam session or drum circle in sight. We recommend going during the summer.

If you are out dancing, we recommend learning the Misty Mountain Hop.

Timekeeping:

Bring a world clock with you, time passes differently in Rivendell than it does in the rest of Middle Earth. Women on oral contraceptives should take note, especially if they have had anything to drink while visiting Fangorn forest…

Language:

Learning Elvish is a bit like learning Castilian Spanish. Expect to do a lot of lisping.

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The Mines of Moria:

Security and Access:

If you want to get in through the Doors of Durin, don’t forget your password. We cannot emphasize this enough. The neighbourhood outside the doors is run down, and the nearby lake is not safe for swimming. The Watcher in the Lake is not to be mistaken for a lifeguard.

Balrog encounters:

Near the bridge of Khazad-Dum, but anywhere in the main mine really, you might encounter a Balrog. First off, it is NOT more scared of you than you are of it. This is a common misconception. Do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to feed the Balrog. Unless you are the servant of a sacred fire, and the wielder of the Flame of Anor, you are likely to be eaten. Here are some tips:

1. Store your food in designated Balrog proof containers, or regional parks “food hang” sites.

2. Avoid any sudden movement and loud noises. This is also useful when avoiding large parties of orcs with cave trolls.

3. Play dead. The Balrog isn’t so much interested in eating you, as he is interested in destroying you.

4. Do not leave your party to take flash photography of the Balrog. Most large creatures are annoyed by camera flashes, especially those that live in the dark.

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Mordor on 1-2 days:

Highlights:

If you loved the pomp and circumstance of the Black Gates, we think you’ll be disappointed by the alternate entrance at Minas Morgul, particularly if you don’t like spiders.

Getting around:

The terrain in Mordor is largely volcanic, and we heartily recommend a good pair of hiking boots. Your casual walking shoes simply will not do.

Travel though Mordor is mostly forced marches, so try not to get dehydrated, or frustrated by the constant shouting and whipping.

Security:

The All Seeing Eye is a remarkable security feature. It’s sees inside you soul and knows your will. On the down side, the eye has it’s own agenda, but rest assured, you are under constant surveillance. Travelling to any country with a police-state ethic like this can be a blessing and a curse, but it’s best just to go with the flow, stick to the rules, and enjoy the security benefits. Unlike Singapore, chewing gum is allowed.

Shopping in Mordor:

The main commodity of interest is the One Ring, though any of the great rings are up for discussion. If you have the One Ring, expect to be drawn inextricably to Barad-Dur, and expect headaches, insomnia, and depression.

Other transactions in Mordor are made primarily by stabbing you for your shiny things, so wear a money belt.

Accomodations:

The Orcs have fleas, a bed-net is strongly recommended.

Advice for Couples:

Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor I met a girl so fair, But Gollum, and the Evil One crept up and slipped away with her.

Language:

The Black speech of Mordor will get you negative attention . Use the common tongue, or Orcish if you must -Or, alternatively, try Castilian Spanish.

The Shire and Surrounding Area:

Dining:

Expect to be eating all the time. Food will be your largest expense in the Shire, as Hobbits have insatiable appetites. Vegans, vegetarians, and those avoiding carbohydrates can expect limited menus, and little assistance from the halflings. In fact, those with alternative diets of any kind will be considered rude. Try Gondor if you want a little Human understanding about your digestive issues. Otherwise, make with the sticky cakes.

Shopping in the Shire:

Well, while the wares available in the shire are by no means as technically brilliant as those made by the dwarves, nor as elegant as those of the elves, there are a lot of off-brand options. Leather goods, walking sticks, detailed regional maps, and tupperware are all readily available.

Safety:

Get used to feeling tall. As a practice, duck every time you enter a building.

Health Concerns:

The Hobbits never wear shoes. The fact that they are constantly eating and strolling around without footwear is difficult for some travellers. No matter how well groomed the Hobbits are, the subtle foot smell is pervasive. Again, the writers of this guide cannot emphasize this enough. PERVASIVE FOOT SMELL.

Diabetics can expect death by snacks, and non diabetics can expect to develop type II diabetes.

Romance for Singles:

Of all the lands you might travel to, you are most likely to find yourself attractive in the Shire. If your preferences tend to sway towards short, stocky, foot-odoured people, then this might be just the adventure you’ve been looking for. Beware a sort of reverse racism, your height and good looks might garner suspicion and even disdain. If trying to impress a potential partner, discussion of your travel outside the Shire is considered uncouth. Try sticking to the basics like how much you enjoy potatoes, or how attractive you find their curly foot hair. Do not bring up the PERVASIVE FOOT SMELL.

Talk about your comeback tours. Even the Stones or Kiss would have trouble after a millennium, but Jesus is back, in a big way. He’s been called the Son of God, (No, not Clapton, the actual one) Messiah, Saviour, Lord and Judge, he’s had his share of tough times (Crucifixion, anyone?) but you wouldn’t know it to look at him today. He’s a pre-electric Dylan in a post Led Zeppelin world, but sitting on the outdoor patio of Benny’s Cafe in L.A., dressed in chinos and a white t shirt, his Birkenstock s tucked neatly under his chair, he seems relaxed, friendly even. Not the man you would expect after two thousand years in the spotlight. His arm sports a tattoo that says Mary and if he knows which one its for he’s not telling. His hair is long, but drawn back into a ponytail, and there are visible scars on his hands as he sips his beverage, and scans the menu for anything kosher. My job was to hopefully get into some of the invisible scars.

Jesus, thanks for talking to us. I know you dont like to give interviews.

Well, its not like I don’t like interviews; its just that I get misquoted a lot. You know if Barack Obama gets misquoted, there’s a press conference, maybe someone gets sued. When I get misquoted, Crusades happen. It’s freaky sometimes. Even the Apostles would do it. I’d be halfway through a statement and four of them would run off to write it down and see who could get it in their gospel first. And they’d hardly ever get it right anyway.

So, the gospels are wrong?

Wrong? No, I wouldn’t say that, just certain details. Semantics really. For instance did you know that I NEVER said “My God My God why have you forsaken me”?

Really?

No what I said was “My God, My God, why are there four stakes in me.”

He pauses reflectively for a moment then flags down a waitress. He kindly explains to her that he ordered a double espresso, not a latte. “Take this cup away from me.” He says with an impish grin. She, not recognizing him doesn’t get the joke. Jesus is such a cool guy he blesses her anyway.

Jesus, a lot of our readers have a lot of very important questions they’d like answered

Well, Ill do my best.

For instance, how do you feel about Ouija boards, are they, like totally evil or what?

I’ll level with you; anything with the word Board in it makes me a tad nervous these days. Ironic considering how I used to make my living.

Do you still keep in touch with The Apostles after the break up?

Absolutely. Just because we don’t tour together anymore, doesn’t mean were not close. Well, most of us anyway.

No chance of ever touring with Judas again?

None.

Solo tour?

I have a few places lined up. Getting sponsors has proved difficult; I’m pretty picky about that. All the big money is in sin these days. Paul has just finished cutting his Road to Damascus C.D. I’m thinking Ill have him open for me.

St. Paul?

No, McCartney.

So you don’t hold a Bigger than Jesus grudge?

No, not at all. I ribbed John a little when he was at the Gates, but that was it. I told him Dad punished him by making him fall in love with Yoko. We busted out a tape measure, turns out he actually does have a couple of inches on me. We all had a good laugh about it.

Is the Pope mad that he’s not opening for you?

He was disappointed, but I think he understands. The Pope plays only to a select group, and this tour should be for all the fans. I gave him the keys to the kingdom, what more does he want? Plus, dude looks like the Emperor from Star wars he creeps me out, if I can be honest with you.

Jesus the New Testament broke all the rules, and was a landmark piece of work. The Old Testament was a rock hard acid riff on vengeance, with a gutsy blues style bemoaning fate at the hands of enemies and a vengeful God. Tracks like The Book of Job betray a like it or lump it attitude, much like the early days of the Who. Then you come along and make a gentle pop folk sound, too serious to be bubblegum, too hot to be serious. Old Testament Unplugged if you will

Uhhhh sure. Is there a question in there somewhere?

To what extent did the old sound influence you, and why the change in direction?

Well, obviously people like Moses and Abraham are a huge influence, but ultimately an artist has to break free of their roots and grow in a different direction This reminds me of a parable, actually

Sorry to interrupt, but my editor asked me to make sure I use the word Fuck at some point in the interview. Lets people know were hip. Do you mind?

Oh okay, whatever.

You’ve suffered a very public arrest, trial and execution, and you’ve still managed to remain positive, how the fuck do you do it?

My, what a hip question. The trick is not to take it personally. The Romans were a highly litigious people; you could get arrested for looking the wrong way half the time. As for my reputation, well, I still get the odd joker making comments. “Hey Jesus, wanna borrow my cross trainers” or “Jesus loves you THIS much” with the arms stretched out. It can be a pain sometimes, but you get used to it. All the stories you heard are true, by the way, very few things on this earth suck as much as crucifixion.

How does a high profile dude like you relax? What do you do on the weekends?

Exchanging parables with close friends, maybe some light healing or go for a walk on a nearby lake. If Im feeling rowdy, I like to go kick some moneychanger ass!

Rock on! Are you a fan of our little magazine?

No, I’m not into alternative press. I read the Watchtower. Ha ha ha ha ha! No, I’m only kidding. That’s like the ecclesiastical Enquirer. Actually I’m in the middle of reading the Koran. I like to get other perspectives.

Any leads on the Antichrist yet?

We have a short list, were narrowing it down. Im not supposed to say whom, but its between a certain teenage pop star , and a certain member of the British Royal family. Oh, yes, and Anne Coulter

My money was on Paris Hilton.

We are still looking at Paris, now that you mention it.

So whats in the Son of God’s C.D. collection?

The Carpenters. The Beatles. (All you need is love, after all) Oh, and some Motorhead. One can only listen to so much Amy Grant before it becomes irritating.

Jesus, our readers, and the world want to know. What is your stance on abortion? Euthanasia? Homosexuality? And what is the Meaning of Life?

I’m so glad you asked me that. I think Id finally like to clear the air on this one. I feel, overwhelmingly that the (Cont. on page 181)

In theatres Aug 7, the story of Julia Child and her efforts to break into cooking, and some modern chick who decides to cook all of Julia’s recipes and write a blog about it.

Wait. We’re supposed to watch a movie about a chick with a blog? about cooking? Are you shitting me?

August 2010, the story of Oscar Wilde and his efforts to be witty and snide and break into some ass, and The Correctness, who decide to mock everything since.

Which would you rather watch?

(Hint: If you chose the one written by Nora Ephron, you have a uterus, or possibly want to tap Oscar Wilde.)

(The following is a true account of Correctness correspondent TBinns and his bride on their honeymoon as they tackle the Met in New York City. Between this and his recent Shakespeare post, we feel he is steering toward real culture instead of pop culture. The Correctness has taken him aside and spoken very sternly to him, and he assured us that he is still working on his 100 page thesis on why Transformers should not have testicles.)

After spending a few days kicking around Times Square, which, fun though it may be, can also be compared to having your eyeballs gang raped by advertisers, my new bride and I decided to take our honeymoon up a cultural notch and go to Metropolitan Museum to take in one of the world’s great art collections. I offer the following as a guide and also a cautionary tale. Losing your way in the Met is not unlike getting lost in the woods, sure it looks gorgeous, but when the finger pointing, bickering and aching feet start, you’ll begin to wish one of you brought along a map and a compass.

We went in with a plan…we definitely wanted to see the visiting Rembrandt exhibition, some Ancient Greek and Roman stuff, and some Impressionists. Then we’d be out in time for our dinner reservations and off to the Great White Way to see Spring Awakening. The plan breaks down almost immediately.

10:35 am

We take our traveling companion; a beanie baby sloth named Frederick, and place him on a pedestal next to an exquisite 20000 year old Herme. Other tourists giggle as we snap photos. I’m shocked that no one attempts to stop us. I make a mental note to put Frederick in the thinker pose if we stumble across a Rodin today.

11:15 am

The nerd in me lingers far too long looking at medieval weapons and armor. My wife punishes me by making sure for the rest of the day she reads every single placard at every single exhibit.. Twice.

12:20 pm

Lunch on the steps, hot dog and pretzels. Depending on one’s tolerance for pigeons this is a much better option than the overpriced museum food.

1:08 pm

The sloping glass wall that overlooks Central Park in the heart of the Egyptian exhibit looks familiar to me. Then I remember where I saw it from. I share this knowledge with my wife through the power of annoying movie quotes.

“Waiter…there is too much peppaaar in my Paprikash….but I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie….peeeecaaaan pieeee” I say with a grin. The wife continues to reread a placard. I try again
“I think hieroglyphics are just an ancient comic strip about a character named “Sphinxy”.

Nothing.

“It’s from…”

“I got it.” She says moving onward.

2:12 pm

The Rembrandt exhibit is jammed. It seems that when there’s a visiting exhibit the native New Yorkers turn up as well, making it very difficult to get near the surprisingly small paintings. I did manage to display my profound ignorance by pointing to Rembrandts famous self portrait and proclaiming “Hey, it’s the guy from the Masterpiece game. Check underneath, it might be a forgery.” I seem to recall running into similar problems when I embarrassed my sister at the National gallery in London by cheerfully pointing out which of the paintings had been used in various Terry Gilliam cartoons on Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

3:35 pm

A wrong turn at furniture has led us to a large area that looks like storage space. I’m not even sure we are supposed to be here. It looks like a Costco filled with fine art and antiques. The afternoon wears on and The Impressionists continue to be elusive.

4:06 pm

My wife is no longer speaking to me. The warehouse area goes on and on. In desperation I squint at a portrait, in the hopes that it would look more impressionist painting. For the record, it doesn’t.

4:25 pm

We finally emerge into what looks more like an area we are meant to be in, right next to a gigantic portrait of Washington crossing the Delaware. We sit for a bit, not out of any misplaced patriotic fervor for Washington and his famous whitewater rafting trip, but because we needed to get off our feet. This was the first painting we recognized in awhile, and dammit we were going to get our moneys worth out of it.

5:15 pm

Neither of us have any idea how we ended up back at Ancient Egypt. I forgo the joke I was going to make comparing the mummy we have now seen twice to Nicole Ritchie. We opt for the “Hail a cab” exhibit outside the main doors so we can make dinner and curtain..

8:35 pm

Midway through Act 1 of Spring Awakening, a rock musical set in the 1800’s where the characters all hold microphones and make anachronistic references, I realize that I had last found a little bit of impressionist art in New York. And it was even better when I squinted.

This woman is married to 1/3 of the Correctness. Weep for her

Imposter?

It all started out as a bit of fun.

An associate of mine at work sent me this link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A506648

It details all of the so-called “Paul is Dead Evidence.”

“Boy…that’s scraping the bottom of the barrel” I said, foolishly thinking that would be the end of it

However, my compatriot replied with

“This is actually pretty compelling…”

I was shocked to think that he would actually believe that Paul might be dead. He may be dead broke after the divorce, but hardly dead. However, this fellow admonished me to read the evidence more closely and to have an open mind. I admonished him to maybe try using his mind a little more closely. I eventually got it out of him that although he doubted (Was not fully convinced mind you, but “Doubted”) that Paul was dead, he felt the evidence was compelling enough for him to believe that the Beatles did all that stuff ON PURPOSE, as some sort of secret message to the fans.

You know who else thought the Beatles were giving him secret messages?

Charles Manson.

Now I have recently got into trouble with people for vehemently arguing against Astrology, Psychics, Magic and various Conspiracy theories…Argue about what people think, and they’ll disagree with you. Argue about what they believe and suddenly you are painted like the world’s biggest asshole. I wasn’t about to be drawn into this pile of horseshit again, so as much as it pained me I did what I could to avoid arguing with him. What I did do was send the link to my Best Pal Trevor, who must be consulted on all things Rock Music trivia related.

He got a kick out of it, and pointed out that the same fallacious logic could be used to “Prove” anyone’s death. That’s when he wrote a sentence that would occupy the rest of our day and cause us to get little or no work done.

“Sting is dead…the current Sting is an imposter. Discuss.”

And we did. Here is what we came up with. Brace yourself for some pretty compelling evidence!

-The song “Canary in a Coal Mine” refers to the practice of putting canaries down mine shafts to test for toxic fumes. If the Canary dies, the mine is unsafe. Is Sting the canary? Let’s take a look at the cover of “Synchronicity” for a moment…

Notice that Sting’s “colour” is yellow, the same as a canary. Plus he is next to a Skeleton, which is of course an internationally accepted symbol of death. Peering out from behind bones. And look in the middle…eyes closed… at peace..dead?

This bears further investigation…How about we have a look at the album before that…Ghost in the Machine…Wait a minute GHOST in the Machine? The Machine being the Police…? Let’s take a look at THAT one

Aha! Apart from the obvious clue in the title we are also given some visual clues. The digitized Sting in the middle (a false image of him) has those three lines coming out of his head. This is reminiscent of a halo in a medieval painting. It could also be Sting’s head exploding! This from “Truth hit’s everybody” on Outlandos D’amour

Take a look at my new toy
It’ll blow your head in two, oh boy
Truth hits everybody
Truth hits everyone

I thought about it and my dream was broken
I clutch at images like dying breath
And I don’t want to make a fuss about it
The only certain thing in life is death.

If nothing else this shows Sting’s early preoccupation with Death, and could explain the brain spattering effect on the album cover. Let’s pull Zenyatta Mondatta out of the old cd rack shall we?

Now this IS peculiar…Stewart and Andy are facing forward…and Sting is facing west…toward a sunset? A sunset that he has long since ridden into? And what is that triangle indicative of? Well if we look at it not like a triangle, but as a PYRAMID then the meaning becomes clearer. The Pyramids are ancient tombs, tombs where important people and kings of ..: Egypt were buried…does this tomb hold the King of Pain?

Our well educated analysis of the first two album covers Outlandos D’Amour and Regatta De Blanc reveals very little, the “Sting is Dead ” Evidence starts to show up on Zenyatta Modatta. Plus most of the suicide themed songs are on the first two albums. “Can’t Stand Losing You”, (“I guess you’d call it suicide, but I’m too full to swallow my pride”)”Bring on the Night”(A plea for death by Sting) “So Lonely” (a reason for suicide) “There’s a Hole In My Life” (and his head?) and “Message in a Bottle”. (Clearly a suicide note)

So we can deduce that Sting committed suicide after Regatta but before Zenyatta. As an interesting side note, Sting allegedly refused to play on the track “Behind my Camel”…refused to play…or couldn’t because he was dead? And “camel” once again reinforces the Egyptian tomb imagery.

The clues that Sting is no longer with them after that are numerous…

- “Man in a Suitcase” a metaphor for Sting in a coffin
- “The Other Way of Stopping” which would be…death!
- “Spirits in the Material World”…duh!
- “Darkness” The Darkness of Death
- “Miss Gredenko” “I don’t want to rock your boat, but you sent this dangerous note” again, suicide.
Plus you can totally the word “Sting” out of Miss Gredenko…if you spell it Miss Gredentko.

But what of this Imposter Sting, this Pseudo Sting hired in an elaborate world wide but somehow still miraculously secret look alike contest. What evidence is there of his existence? Plenty. Does he look the same from album to album? Look closely! But the true clues are in the songs…

-”When the world is running down, you make the best of what’s still around”, as in making the best of a Post Sting Police!

-”Driven to Tears” The Band mourns their Band mate. (Well, Andy does anyway…not so sure about Stewart…It may have even been murder now that I think of it…”Murder By Numbers”…I’m watching you Copeland…Every move you make!)

“Walking in your Footsteps” A Song from Sting 2 about Sting 1!

“Every breath you take” “Since you’ve gone I’ve been lost without a trace…I look around but it’s you I can’t replace” Aha!! Replacement Sting fesses up!

“Wrapped around your Finger” a song about a servant taking over for the master!

So what have we learned? Well, clearly that Sting offed himself (or was murdered) with a gunshot wound to the head after Regatta De Blanc, and replaced by an imposter which makes total sense! It would explain his previous reluctance to reunite with the group and his reluctance to perform much of his “Police” material. I mean think about it…would the Sting you know and love from the Police have released an album of 16th century lute music?

We also learned that Trevor and I have way too much time on our hands.

There you have it…fun with specious logic. Now it’s your turn.

The Spin Doctors went on to change their look and become Coldplay.

Discuss.