Here it is, at long last. The eight contestants in the Supervillain Smackdown. Johnny, tell us who is in the tournament, won’t you?

JOHNNY ANNOUNCERMAN: Sure thing Tony, week one sees the Clown Prince of Crime, The Joker squaring off vs. The nefarious Green Goblin. We can all be certain gas will somehow be involved, and the Joker may even sue for copyright infringement. Then in week two, it’s fanboy wet dream night as lithe and lovely Catwoman takes on the woman who was blue skinned and hassled by “The Man” looong before anybody in Avatar was…Mystique! Week three…The Master of Metal Magneto will “Test his metal” against the head of the Yellow Lantern corps Sinestro in the “Battle of Guys Whose Name Ends in O”. Then in week 4 The Ruler of Latveria is seeking revenge for his weak ass portrayal in the movies! Dr. Doom will be taking his frustrations out on Venom, who is seriously pissed off for the EXACT SAME REASON. Tickets are on sale now, but God help you if you buy one.

Tony: Thanks Johnny. FAQ time…

Uh…Where the hell is Lex Luthor?

He’s bankrolling the whole thing. We figured he wasn’t the sort to get his hands dirty.

Where the Hell is Ozymandias?

Too powerful. No matter what happened in the arena, he would have already set forth the plan that would kill his opponent 30 minutes ago.

Where the Hell is______________?

Look people, there were only 8 spots, we had to try and bring balance to the whole thing. On the plus side, we will also be creating short 1 off battles called “The Undercard” where we can speculate about Gargamel vs. Daedalus all we want without pissing off those who tend to take this exercise rather more seriously then it is meant to be taken.

Does the two day prep rule still apply?

Yes it does.

Where SPECIFICALLY does this take place, as it affects the outcome?

It’s a pre planned, funded fight, in a stadium, with a roof.

Is this to the death?

I can’t think of anybody, besides maybe Catwoman who wouldn’t kill someone, so yes…to the death.

Can we heap abuse on you in the comment section if we don’t agree with you?

We wouldn’t have it any other way.

When does this start?

Tomorrow, boys and girls. Buckle up.

The rumor recently broke that John Krasinski of the Office is on a short list to play Cap in the upcoming Captain America movie. I never really thought of him as the type. I’m guessing they will have to make a few script changes. Changes like this, for instance.

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

(Captain America jumps down from the rafters, to confront his arch enemy)

RED SKULL: Captain… America is it? How fitting. Just like your country you are sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong…and just like your country, you have entered the war far too late. The missiles are set to launch. All I need to do is dispose of you….OH COME ON!!

(Cut to Red Skulls desk drawer, where his trusty luger is now covered in Jello. Cut to Captain America, who looks at the camera and smirks.)

Int. Office Day

Captain America is in the C.I.A. office speaking to the Camera.

CAP: I’ve always believed that mutated Nazi madmen just need to lighten up. I mean, everybody loves Jello, right? How can you not love Jello? You can put anything in it, canned fruit…bananas …lugers…(he smirks at the camera)

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

RED SKULL: How did you even…Ohhh it’s in the firing pin…these are collector’s items…YOU OWE ME A LUGER!!!

CAP: How do you know I did that?

RED SKULL: OF COURSE IT WAS YOU!!! Who else would have…?

CAP: I’m just saying that you have a lot of people working for you here, you give a lot of orders….people get resentful…

RED SKULL: Well there is this one guy….

CAP: See?

RED SKULL: SHUT UP !! IT WAS TOTALLY YOU!! But it doesn’t matter…you can’t stop the missiles now. Ah the rich Irony, that you Americans created the very Arayan Super Man that our regime has been fighting so hard to create. By trying to stop us, you yourselves are forced to concede we are correct, by your very existence! Freedom is a petty price to pay for the true Arayan nation to arise and conquer the inferior races…

(Captain America gives a pained look to the camera)

Int. Office Day

CAP: What I’ve learned about being a Superhero is that there is always going to be a monologue from the villain. These things can go on for a looooong time. You have to find ways to occupy your attention or you’ll go nuts. Ways like…slipping away defusing the missiles and replacing them with confetti bombs. (He smiles)

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

RED SKULL:…and THAT is why we will prevail…Look the missiles are launched, say goodbye to Uncle Sam, Apple Pie and…

(Missles explode, it is a hailstorm of Confetti)

RED SKULL: What? HOW? DAMN YOU CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!!!!!

(Enter Rip Tailor waving the American Flag)

RIP: Did someone say Confettii? HA HA HA! Whooopeeeeee!!!

Int. Office Day

CAP: Yes. I did hire Rip Taylor. Anything worth doing is worth doing right. (He smiles)

Fot the greatest poet of all time, William Carlos Williams.

This is just to say:

I have responded

on facebook

to your note
.

And you hoped,

I assume,

that I replied

Thoughtfully.
.

Forgive me,

I was on

my iPhone,

whilst taking a dump.

Dear 24:

I never thought we’d get to the place where I would have to do this, but I’m breaking up with you. It shouldn’t come as much of a shock, we’ve barely seen each other in the last year or so, and neither of us seem every interested in staying together. Between my lackluster interest in you, and your refusal to change, or try anything other than the same old tired tricks, well, it’s inevitable.

When we first got together, I was in awe of you. Your smart, choppy style, your boundary pushing narrative devices, the way you showed me what everyone was doing the last few seconds of each hour. And when our second year together started, I was shocked at the ferocity you showed.

But after 3 or 4 years, the tricks wore off, and you showed me what was at your heart, and that was some pretty horrible formulaic crap. I loathe the way you try to excite me off the top, and then fall into a boring pattern of introducing some minor characters I don’t give a rat’s ass about. You follow the same pattern of getting a lead, having that lead move towards another lead, etc, until midseason, when you introduce a pretty obvious “game changer!”, which you then don’t act on until the very end of the season.

Your acting has never been your strong suit, and your logic often falls apart. The further I get from loving you, the more I wonder how I fell for you in the first place. But then I remember, it was all about Jack. Because he was awesome, and powerful, and everything we wanted in a leading man. Of course, as the years go on, he becomes more predictable, and shouty, and he keeps running out of time, and shouting that into whatever phone is closest.

So, I think that it’s best if we go our separate ways, you into more of the same old thing, with new characters that I won’t even bother to care about, and me back to my true love: “LOST”.

Thanks, it was fun.

by Correctness Guest Correspondent Trevor Campbell

For generations now Man has looked to the seemingly cute & innocent Groundhog to forecast the coming Spring for us, but we have never asked ourselves, at what cost? Have we sold our souls to these little burrowing devils? We all know the tradition, every year on February 2nd citizens of cities, towns & villages alike gather around the hole that leads to the home of their friendly loveable little weather predicting Groundhog. The lazy little dirt-Sloth then waddles out and if he does not see his shadow we can look forward to an early Spring. However, if he does sees his shadow we are doomed to six more weeks of Winter. What powers of prognostication his little earth-Weasel has. And what power over our springtime hopes and dreams we have given them.

Every year mankind is so happy to have this season-ending information that these Groundhogs are treated like Royalty or even better. First of all, they get away with working a mere five minutes a YEAR! Even Santa would kill for those kind of hours and the little soil-snakes are like Santas in reverse!! They take and take and are thanked for it! They are showered with gifts of praise, food, cash, mini-clothing, parades are thrown in their honor and even movies are made about them. We have even come to give it it’s own day. It’s own DAY! How wrong is this? Presidents get a day, Martin Luther King JR gets a day, Jesus get a day. So now we have fallen so under this little mud-rat’s spell that the Groundhog gets a day?

But why? We pay through the nose asking the Groundhog to please, like some Godfather, grant us the favor of knowing how much more winter we have. And what do they tell us? Let’s recap, they inform us of an early Spring or six weeks more weeks of Winter. But wait, if you go forward from Feb 2nd for six weeks you land on March 16th. That is five days earlier than Spring is supposed to arrive anyway. So that means that “six more weeks of Winter” or “an early Spring” is the SAME THING! The Groundhogs tell us NOTHING!! They are running the world’s largest SCAM!! It’s a Ponzi scheme in a Pyramid wrapped in an Amway salesman.

This is a plague. These false prophets are everywhere. Millions of villages, towns & cities now have Groundhog ceremonies. That means there are millions of these little filth-frauds and growing. But who are they? Sure, we all know the more famous supposedly squeaky-clean Groundhog leaders Punxsutawney Phil & Wiarton Willie, but check out the list of goons that control our springtime dreams. It’s who’s who of criminals & thugs:

Spanish Joe, French Creek Freddie, Stanton Island Chuck, Stormy Marmot, Dunkirk Dave, Woody, Gus, Chuckles, Shubenacadie Sam, Fountain Hills Weasel, Queen Charlotte, Holtsville Hal, Buckeye Chuck and of course, the lowest of the low, the meanest, cruelest, most fearsome groundhog with large amounts of blood on his hands…. Jimmy the Groundhog.

They are all dangerous. They are all real. Look it up.

We must put an end to this madness.

We must stop these weather terrorist Groundhogs and the drain on Society they represent.

I thank you.

10. The Mysterious prisoner is actually the Devil

9. The real monsters…? MANKIND

8. The Peddler who sold the person the Dollhouse they became trapped in forever is actually the Devil

7. Bruce Willis was dead the whole time

6. The patient is beautiful, everyone else is ugly…also the nurse is the Devil.

5. The young boy grows up to be Hitler…the Devil kicked him out of Art School

4. Burgess Meridith is not the Devil. But his dog probably is.

3.The Casual litterer is doomed to spend his life getting garbage thrown at him.

2.Old Nick Scratch who lives on the corner of Hellstreet and Damnation road may not be a kindly old grocer after all

1. The mysterious hitchhiker with psychic powers that William Shatner saw on the side of the plane actually died 5 years ago that very night, and every year on the anniversary of that fateful car he crash hitchhikes back to his grandma’s house to get a new pair of glasses, because the ones he had in the afterlife (when he finally had time to catch up on his reading) broke. Because the Devil broke them

Allow me to share with you some revelations I’ve had about Norm MacDonald and Neil Young.

Both of these gentlemen are Canadian entertainers who have a rabid fan base, neither of whom I have enjoyed in the past.

In fact I would say that I actively disliked them. In the case of Norm MacDonald I particularly detested his stammering delivery of non jokes that he tries to get you to laugh at by blinking you into submission. I seemed to be the only comedian in the world who was happy he got shit canned from SNL. All of my friends love this guy and his appeal was lost on me completely.

“Germans love David Hasslehoff do they, Norm? Huh. Fascinating. You know what else is fascinating? Writing jokes. Try it Norm.”

In fact my dislike of Norm was so intense, I actually SAW him in a Sports memorabilia store in LA, and I didn’t even go over and say hello or ask for an autograph.

And look at Neil Young. Take a good look at this picture….

Spare some change today, sir?

This guy is supposed to be one of the greats and I just couldn’t stand him. “You want to see a Neil Young concert?” I’d say to my pals, “ Go find a homeless guy on the street, and poke him with a stick until he starts whining. Sounds the same, looks the same…hell probably even smells the same.” Admit it, if you saw this guy anywhere near your kid’s school, you’d call the cops.

I was content with my smug hipster douchebag pronouncements for the longest time. Neil and Norm sucked, and that was that. And then something unexpected happened.

I started hearing other bands cover Neil Young songs. And sure enough, every time I did, it threw me for a loop. These were not just good songs, these were awesome songs. I was jumping around like a madman when I saw the Trews cover “Keep on Rocking in the Free World.” Hell I even dig the cheesy Prelude version of “After the Goldrush” . Not to mention all the amazing work with Buffalo Springfield, “For What it’s worth” being a personal fav. These are really profound, thoughtful, interesting songs, that musically kick some serious ass.

At the same time I started seeing some of the stuff Norm was doing and was forced to admit it was not just funny, it might even be a strange kind of genius. I finally started to get the idea that the lame duck routine was just that…a routine. His Conan appearances were always classics. His roasting of Bob Saget with horribly lame and tame roast jokes was hysterical and incredibly ballsy.And he played it so straight that somewhere, miles away in his posh estate, Bob Newhart got a shiver and didn’t quite know why. Adam Corrolla’s version of Death on Family Guy doesn’t even come close to Norm’s. And his latest appearance on Conan with the gift basket was savage and razor sharp.

And yet, despite these new perspectives, when one or the other appears on tv or the radio I fight the urge to switch the channel immediately.

So what’s the problem? What do these two have in common? I narrowed it down to one thing.

It’s the voice.

I can’t stand Neil Young’s whine, and I can’t stand Norm’s weird bleating circuitous delivery. So much so that it impedes my ability to enjoy their own particular brands of genius

“There was baaaaaaannnd playing in my heeeeeaaaadddd”

UGH!!!!

“Heeeey you know there uh Conan, I uhh found out something about camels…you know ehhh yeah yeah… they uh…they have HUGE COCKS” (Blink Blink)

GAAAAHHHH!!!

So, I hereby state for the record that I acknowledge that Neil Young is a rock icon, brilliant songwriter and a National Treasure. I also admit that Norm MacDonald is a warped genius, and innovative wise ass that deserves his rabid cult following.

And I will still only be able to listen to them in small doses.

So the only question that remains for you, dear Correctness reader is this…Where the hell do I, an ardent Rush fan, get off complaining about someone’s VOICE?

P.S. Look up Norm’s latest visit to Conan online, and if you tune in, I believe Neil Young will be on the Tonight Show this very evening.

I was very pleased to participate in the annual 10 minute Play festival again this weekend with my cohorts from Obscene But Not Heard (We’re a sketch group). In it, we are given a prop, a line of dialogue and from that, we create a 10 minute play, which needs to be written rehearsed, and teched for 7:30 the following evening.

It’s always a bit of a crunch, but it’s also lots of fun. We have produced gems, and some rather painful entries in the past. This year, our line was a Dr. Suess quote “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” and our prop was a clock.

This is what I ended up writing. Seeing as how it will likely never be produced again (for copyright reasons if nothing else) I thought I’d post it.

Enjoy.

(Peanuts theme. Stage has Small Table 4 chairs. Enter Charlie Brown and Linus. Linus is clutching his blue blanket. It looks like he is sucking his thumb, but he actually isn’t. More on that later.)

CHARLIE: Linus, I’m depressed.

(Linus takes a deep drag from the joint he is smoking)

LINUS: You’re always depressed Charlie Brown. (Offers him a drag)

CHARLIE: No thanks, it gives me anxiety attacks.

LINUS : Are you taking your meds?

CHARLIE: I was, but they give me a stomache ache..

LINUS: You’ve got to take better care of yourself,Charlie Brown. it’s part of being an adult.

CHARLIE: You’re one to talk, you turned 40 this month and you are still carrying a Blanket.

LINUS: It’s not a blanket. (He slips it on, it is in fact a snuggie) I get cold.

CHARLIE: Good Grief.

LINUS: This will be good for you. Meet new people Get your mind off your divorce.

CHARLIE: I don’t think I’m ready for this, Linus. I really don’t

LINUS: Well, I told you I wasn’t having dinner with your sister alone. She’s been cyber stalking me for months.

CHARLIE: She’s just lonely, she lives in New York, it’s hard to meet people there. The break up with Shermie was hard on her.

LINUS: She keeps sending me Facebook gifts. Yesterday I got a virtual pig from her named “Sweet Baboo.” It’s weird.

CHARLIE: Linus, you’re the only person I know who could stand outside of a restaurant in a snuggie that smells like hash and say Facebook gifts are weird.

(LInus removes the Snuggie)

LINUS: I don’t like aggressive women, The one I grew up with put me in therapy for years. Just make sure she keeps her hands to herself.

CHARLIE: Why are you even here?

LINUS: Free food.

CHARLIE: I’m gonna blow this I know it. I ruin everything I touch, even my marriage

(They sit)

LINUS: Relax, Charlie Brown…there’s no expectations here, it’s just dinner with Sally and her friend.

CHARLIE: Why does everyone do that?

LINUS: Do What Charlie Brown?

CHARLIE: Call me by my first and last name all the time…it’s really irritating…

LINUS: Peppermint Pattie used to call you Chuck. Remember?

CHARLIE: Oh Yeah. What happened to her I wonder?

LINUS: Gym teacher.

CHARLIE: Ah. Is she…?

LINUS: No, she’s straight, surprisingly enough.

CHARLIE: How do you know that?

(LInus flashes a knowing grin)

CHARLIE: Really?

LINUS: Life’s a banquet Charlie Brown.

CHARLIE: Huh.

(Sally enters)

SALLY: Hey there big Brother!!!!!!!
CHARLIE :Hey Sally…Good To see you (They hug)

SALLY: LINUS…you look great…(She moves in for the kiss he stiffens up and turns his face)

CHARLIE: How was the drive?

SALLY: Good, we made good time I think…my…friend is just talking to the homeless guy outside

(Lucy enters, screaming off)

LUCY: GET A JOB, PIGPEN YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

LINUS: You Brought LUCY? Are you out of your mind?

SALLY: I know I’m sorry…it’s just…Schroeder is cheating on her, She only just found out, I didn’t want to leave her alone

LINUS: Of course he’s cheating on her, he’s a musician…

CHARLIE: Ohhhh this is not good…I’m gonna go

LINUS: Oh, no you don’t! You are staying right here with me!

SALLY: Please, Big Brother, she really needs to see a familiar face right now, and you are always so sweet…please please stay…

CHARLIE: I can’t stand it.

(LUCY turns to see who her date is, and is not impressed)

LUCY: Sally, you blockhead, you were supposed to set me up on a good date. Can’t you tell the difference between a good date and a poor date? You’re hopeless Sally Brown!

CHARLIE: Hey, Lucy. Good to see you again.

LUCY: Charlie Brown. Unbelievable. That is the capper to my whole week. That’s just great. (She sits down beside him.) You better not try and hold my hand or by Golly I’ll slug you. (Pause she nods)Linus.

LINUS: Lucy.

LUCY: How’s mom?

LINUS: What do you care?

LUCY: I don’t I was just being nice.

LINUS: First time for everything.

LUCY: Don’t push me, wasteoid. I’ve had a hard week.

((Wah Wah sound)

LUCY: Yeah, I’ll have a double Martini

(Wah Wah)

SALLY: Ooooh I think I’ll have a Ceaser

(Wah Wah)

LINUS: Uhhh Heineken, Thanks.

(Wah Wah)

CHARLIE : Just a root beer, if you’ve got one

(Wah Wah)

LUCY: Root Beer? You want me to hold your purse, Nancy?

SALLY: Soooo…Linus, I like your shirt. Looks great on you.

LINUS: Thanks.

LUCY: I’m glad you got rid of that ridiculous comb over. Looked like you had about 4 hairs and you were frantically arranging them around your head. I was embarrassed to go out in public with you

LINUS: Schroeder cheated on you huh? Bet that hurt.

SALLY : Wow…the nachos look good, don’t you think

LUCY: Well, lets see if that chick half his age sticks around when gets back into Jazz and restarts his adorable little smack habit

CHARLIE : ooohhh I really don’t feel well,

LUCY: If you believe I’m not going to take that self absorbed little prick for every dime he’s got , you are sadly mistaken

CHARLIE: Can’t breathe…can’t breathe…

SALLY: Are you okay?

CHARLIE: Panic attack….

LINUS: Do you need a doctor?

CHARLIE: I…I Don’t know…maybe I need to lie down or

LUCY: SNAP OUT OF IT BLOCKHEAD!!!!!

(He sits bolt upright…begins breathing normally.)

CHARLIE: Wow. That actually worked.

LUCY: 5 cents please.

(They all look at her…then remember the reference. Then everybody starts laughing)

CHARLIE: Wow, that takes me back a ways.

LINUS: Yeah me too.

SALLY: Oh man, my brother probably paid for your psych degree 1 nickle at a time…What did you end up taking in school Linus

LINUS: I was a Philosophy major

SALLY: Ooooh, that sounds really interesting.

LUCY: Trust me, it isn’t.

(Awkward pause. Linus browses the menu. Lucy pulls out her phone and start texting)

SALLY: so many good things on the menu here… hard to choose Linus, what are you looking at…

LINUS: Pumpkin soup.

SALLY: Heeeeyyy didn’t we make out in a Pumpkin Patch once?!!!

LINUS: No, No I don’t think we did.

SALLY: Sure we did, it was Halloween, I totally remember it, we were waiting for someone…and then we started kissing…remember?

LINUS: Uh No, I remember the Pumpkin Patch, but we were not kissing…at all.

SALLY: Are you sure? That’s how I remember it.

LINUS: Uhhh no…We were in the Pumpkin Patch and then your dog showed up and scared the hell out of me.

SALLY: Well…(flirtatiously) I like my version better

LUCY: Hey whatever happened to that dog of yours, Charlie Brown?

CHARLIE: He died.

LUCY: I know that, it was a dog, it was 30 years ago. I’m not an idiot. I meant how? Hit by a car?

CHARLIE: Bird Flu.

LUCY: Just as well, that dog was retarded. (she goes back to texting) Another excruciating pause)

CHARLIE: Uh, I’ve got a fold out couch Sally. There’s a bar that sticks in your back, but if it bothers you I can take that and you can have my bed…

SALLY: Oh, No I don’t want to put you to any trouble…

CHARLIE: It’s no Trouble…

SALLY: No, I already got a hotel room…(To Linus) it’s close by just two blocks down, the Driftwood inn, you just go down the highway half a mile take a left, I’m in Room 157. Top of the stairs. Good thick curtains. Very private.

LINUS (Trying to change the topic) Who are you texting, Lucy?

LUCY: Schroeder.

SALLY: Why…

LUCY: BECAUSE FUCK HIM, THAT’S WHY. (Throws the phone down) Jesus Christ, where the hell is my drink?
CHARLIE: Well, divorce is tough. I get it I kept phoning my wife after, only I’d panic and hang up the phone when she answered. Then one day a guy answered. Then I stopped calling.

LUCY: Divorce isn’t all bad, when I divorced my first husband I got a house.

SALLY: I got a car.

LINUS: I got the dog!

CHARLIE: I got a clock. (He actually shows them the clock)

LUCY: You’re hopeless Charlie Brown.

CHARLIE: I know. I mean I didn’t have a great childhood, but there are days that I would give anything to just go back, for even a day. Play baseball…

LUCY: Badly

CHARLIE: Fly a kite

LINUS Into a tree

CHARLIE: See Snoopy again.

(Sally touches his arm sympathetically)

CHARLIE: Aren’t they supposed to prepare you for Adulthood? Why didn’t they teach us about how to deal with your parents dying, or divorce, and bill paying and the mind numbing tedium of working in a barbershop your whole life? And because life loves cruel irony you get to cut hair your whole life without being able to grow any on your own. Adulthood seems like a series of footballs, you try and kick at and someone always pulls it away at the last minute. But is that it? Is there any more? Isn’t there someone who can tell me what being an adult is all about?

LINUS: Sure, I can tell you what being an adult is all about. Lights please…

(Spotlight)

And Lo, there were in the same country children, who were tending to games, and recess, and school friends And the Angel of Responsibility came upon them, and they were sore afraid, and he said unto them, Do not be afraid, for I bring you sex, and R rated movies, and the freedom to do what you want.but withat came money, and children and spouses, and dinner parties, and a whole lot of being nice to people you don’t like . But do not mourn your childhood, don’t be sad because it’s over, smile because it happened.

And that’s what being an adult is all about Charlie Brown.

CHARLIE: Fuck you, Linus.

(Blackout)

By Tbinns

(The scene is just a few feet away from the manger in Bethlehem. The three Wisemen, Balthazar, Melchior and Gaspar., are waiting for their turn to see the infant. Balthazar has a small chest that is apparently quite heavy. Melchior has a large swinging ornamental piece chock a block with some fragrant scent bringing substances.. Gaspar has a giant Teddy bear. The barn is small, and already crowded with Shepherds, so the Wise men are waiting in an orderly line up. Gaspar, on the very end strikes up some conversation)

GAS: Soooo…. What did everybody get the little tyke?

BAL: I have gold.

GAS: Ha ha, No seriously, what’s in the box?

(Balthazar shows him)

GAS: Wow…that’s uhh…that’s great. Amazing. It’s uhh…a little over the top though, I mean, it’s a baby shower. (Pause) In a barn, I’m just saying. What did YOU bring?

MEL: Frankincense.

GAS: Oh…well that makes a little more sense, it can’t smell too good in there. The shepherds alone would be eye watering never mind the animals, right? Still, I mean that stuff is pretty expensive…how much did you…? (He has a look) That is a TON. Wow.

(There is an awkward pause. Gaspar is starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with his choice of gift. He feels the need to justify it)

GAS: Still, a kid is a kid right? No point in over thinking it.( He shakes the big teddy)

BAL: This is no ordinary child.

GAS: Oh really? Oh that’s too bad. Too many toes or…?

MEL: This is the child we have been waiting for, he will lead us out of the darkness!

BAL: This is the most important child in the history of mankind!

GAS: Really?

BAL: Yes, the astrology has foretold his coming

MEL: Didn’t you follow the star ?

GAS: I just followed you guys, you were dressed up I figured we were all going to the same place. This is Mary’s baby shower right?

MEL: Yes, and the Child is the Blessed son of God.

GAS: (Pause) You’d think that would be the sort of thing they might mention on an invitation. Hey maybe you should stand at the back that way we can sort of build up to the gold…

(Balthazar nods in the direction of the Manger)

BAL: I’m up next, wish me luck!!! (He exits)

GAS: He doesn’t need luck he’s got gold. (He looks at his Teddy bear again) Oh Godddammit! (he throws it down and exits , frantically left)

(Melchior straightens his clothes, checks his breath. Balthasar re-enters in a huff)

MEL: That was fast!

BAL: Unbelievable.

MEL: What happened?

BAL: I just carried 10 pounds of gold for miles across the desert. I braved bandits, sandstorms, not to mention the extra weight. I lay a box of PURE GOLD at this woman’s feet, and what do I get? WHAT DO I GET?

MEL: What?

BAL: “Thanks. OOOOHHH Look that little boy is going to play the drum!!! Look everyone, he’s playing the drum!!”

MEL: Man. If they didn’t like the gold , what chance do I have?

BAL: YOU SUCK, KID!

MEL: Hey, hey take it easy, take it easy!

BAL: You’re up…

MEL: Aww crap.

(He exits off. There is a small pause. Then he comes back and grabs the discarded teddy bear, and takes that as well. Gaspar reenters, out of breath)

BAL: Hey.

GAS: Hey.

BAL: Where did you go?

GAS: I went uh…you know, get something else.

BAL: What did you get.

GAS: I got this jar of myrrh.

BAL: Myrrh? That’s embalming oil.

GAS: Yeah, but it’s the really high end stuff.

BAL: You are giving embalming fluid to an infant?

GAS: Well, It’s all I could find! It’s Christmas, everything is closed!

(Mel reenters still holding his gifts, speaking off)

MEL: No it’s fine, really, I kept the receipt. It’s no problem!

BAL: What happened?

MEL: Allergies.

GAS: Hey that Teddy Bear was MINE!

MEL: Went over like a lead camel. Trust me I did you a favour.

BAL: You’re up slugger. Good luck with the embalming fluid.

MEL: Enbalm..?

GAS: It’s Myrrh! Myrrh dammit. Besides, it’s the thought that counts. (He storms off)

BAL: I remembered now why I never go to these things.

MEL: Could be worse, they could start playing those dumb ass parlor games.

BAL: True enough, but I just came 800 miles on a camel to give them a pile of gold, would it kill them to put out a sandwich tray?

MEL: Forget the sandwich, I’d be happy with a cup of coffee for crying out loud.

(Gaspar re enters looking defeated)

BAL: What happened?

GAS: She seemed pretty happy until she found out what it was. Then Joseph said “Uhhh, thanks for coming, we’ve got a lot of people to see so…”

MEL: Where do these people get off? You have one kid and they treat him like he was Lord God Almigh…oh..yeah. Well, you see my point anyway.

BAL: Well, I don’t know about you boys, but that Star looks like it’s settling in over the tavern there.

MEL: Yes it is. Coming Gaspar?

GAS: Uh Huh. (As they exit) This is typical of how commercial baby showers are nowadays.

BAL: Amen!

From The Correctness,

Some Christmas Haikus

To settle your nerves:

The Mall Santa sighs
In his castle of cardboard
Somebody has peed

San Francisco store
Where you shopped for my present
Clearly you hate me

Girl in the food court
Upspeak in her cell phone
learn to fucking talk.

Oh small child of mine
Here is the Nintendo Wii
I can buy your love.

Cash line is nine deep
I might gnaw off my own leg
Death, bring sweet release.

Not to alarm you
but the Hickory Farms Cart
Just whispered my name

Grey hair, old woman,
If you keep turning your wheel
You will not park straight

This coffee is burnt
by an inexpert new kid
you suck balls, Starbucks.

White Christmas, Again?
Are there no other carols?
Fuck you, Bing Crosby.

Honestly, new clerk,
have you never replaced
thermal receipt tape?

(Note: for scansion, “replaced” is a three syllable word)

This is the perfect
gift for my ex girlfriend, O,
how I want to die.

I was signalling
for that parking space, you ass.
Truck entitlement?

What is the right gift
for my three month old nephew?
Something high contrast?

What do you buy for
the man with everything?
Kitten calendar?