The first thing I’d like to make clear is that this is a list of personal favourites. It is not a “Greatest” list. There are several comedians who are by all accounts GREATER in a broader context. I call it the “Citizen Kane” effect.

Citizen Kane is considered, by and large to be one of the greatest movies ever made. It rounds out damn near every top movie list. It was daring, innovative , and complex. However, I wouldn’t put it on even my top 50 list. I can acknowledge its importance, respect its legacy…and just not enjoy it as much as something perhaps a little less ambitious.

The stand up comedy equivalent of Citizen Kane for me is Lenny Bruce. He was a pioneer, an innovator, in many ways the father of modern stand up comedy. I just don’t really enjoy what he did all that much.

Now that said, comedy is a bit like music for me, what I’m into at the time can change depending on where I’m at in my life. Think of this as a snapshot of who I am at this precise moment. The list, the order, and the comedians themselves can change in a year’s time.

So let’s get on with it shall we?

10) Mitch Hedberg

You know it took me a little while to warm up to Mitch. I found his accent and his delivery off putting, to the point that it obscured the material for me. But once I got past it, I found myself fascinated by his “laid back southern stoner meets Steven Wright” style musings. The downside of course is that every amateur night in every city is filled with guys who try to copy the delivery without even half of the style, ease and genuinely weird wit.Mitch left us far too soon but has left a few really great comedy albums to remember him by.

9) Steve Martin

I completely wore out my brother’s “Wild and Crazy Guy” 8 track tape. I watched “The Man with Two Brains” on a constant loop on Superchannel. I watched “The Jerk” on a small black and white TV in my room because my mother didn’t want to see “That crap”. At the time, I didn’t realize he actually WAS a bad comedian (on purpose), I just responded to the goofiness in a way only a kid can. Later I came to admire how layered his performances were, and even came to admire him for walking away from them forever. BTW, I saw The Man with Two Brains again recently…it’s still really funny.

8. Bill Cosby

The only reason Cos is so far down the list is because he is so far down memory lane. He is a big part of my childhood, sitting in the basement listening to “For Russel, my Brother, Whom I Slept With” over and over again, and giggling my ass off every time. I’ve seen him twice now, and he is an absolute master…he takes his time, and chooses his spots with impeccable timing. Even in track pants and a sweater, just sitting in a chair, he is riveting.

7) George Carlin

Like Cosby and Steve Martin before him, this is a guy who belongs not just on this list, but on the list of all time greats. Class Clown should be compulsory listening for anyone even THINKING of setting foot on a comedy stage. I saw him twice during the Cranky Misanthrope years, and I am I very glad I caught him live…before he wasn’t. He opened with “Good Evening ladies and gentleman. I would just like to start by saying FUCK LANCE ARMSTRONG! FUCK HIM AND HIS ONE BALL!!!” I don’t think I ever laughed at an opening line quite as hard as that.

6) Pre 9-11 Dennis Miller

Before the attacks on 9-11, Dennis Miller told it like he saw it, with no specific affiliations. He was one of the best weekend update correspondents, and I admired how he just made the references he wanted to make without worrying whether or not the audience would get it. I did get it more often than not, which made me feel like I was in an exclusive club. He was a huge influence, and to this day I still have a few Dennis Miller inspired jokes in my act. (For instance… “Religion is like alcohol, in small amounts, its warm and comforting… too much and you instantly become an asshole”. I have to fight the urge to shake my head slightly when I tell that joke) Then after 9-11 he took a big jump to the right, and embraced the Fox news POV. No matter what your politics are, I think we can all agree that the left has a much better sense of humor, and I think Dennis’ comedy, and reputation suffered. He’s not dead, but in a way, I still miss him

5) Jim Gaffigan

The guy talked about food for an hour. And all of it was funny. Here’s someone who can take something as mundane as cake and make the tears stream out of your eyes with laughter. He has an odd, self deprecating, almost gentle style, punctuated with hilarious interpretations of what his audience is thinking. (“Oh, he’s a pale fella…”) You could even listen to Gaffigan in front of your kids, it’s clean, clever, without even a trace of anger. If you haven’t seen it, go to you tube and look up his signature bit “Hot Pockets” you’ll thank me. Then you’ll never eat another Pizza pop. Then you will thank him.

4) Billy Connelly

Some comedians are just greater than their material and Billy Connelly is just one of those guys. Billy’s PERSONALITY is funny and it comes through every pore of his being. He could go off on a tangent about anything, a pair of slacks that caught his eye, something somebody in the audience said, whatever. It doesn’t matter what he’s talking about, it’s the way in which he talks about it. He just does what he does, has the audience doubled over with laughter and he makes it seem so damned natural and easy. There’s a whole lot of Billy Connelly in Craig Ferguson. (Or at least there was last night” Ferguson would say at this point, making his “Nancy Boy” face) If you get a chance to see him ramble on about very little, do so. Great storyteller.

3) Steven Wright

“Steven Wright is one of the most prolific and gifted stand up comics of our age” – Barry Katz, after a complete Douchetard asked what Steven Wright had done lately

I often hesitate to use the words “Comedic genius” to describe comedians but Steven Wright comes as close to the term as anyone. Wright is layered, original, smart, bizarre and hysterically funny. He’s throwing metaphysical curveballs out like it was nothing while the rest of us in the comedy world are still pitching underhand. His comedy is the product of a lightning quick mind slowed down to a snail’s pace and delivered with flawless deadpan. I have also had the privilege of seeing him live. He opened with “I wish my first word was “Quote,” so that on my deathbed I could say “Unquote”. The e-mails you occasionally get forwarded to you are only about 60% his material, if that, and does him no justice at all. See him live if you can.

2) Louis CK

I truly believe Louis CK is the George Carlin of our generation. He’s got Carlin’s insight, his bite, and his gift for forcing you to look at what you accept everyday in a whole new light. If anybody else referred to their 5 year old daughter as an asshole, you would immediately want to boo them off stage…but I have to say, he makes an excellent case. He is brutal in his honesty and spares no one, least of all himself. As an interesting experiment, check out Jim Gaffigan’s bit about Cinnabon, then compare it to Louis C.K’s. Gaffigan has a light, “Oh well, I’m a huge slob, whattaya gonna do?” vibe. Louis on the other hand, is filled with utter self loathing and despair, it’s as much a cry for help as it is a comedy bit. I’m kicking myself for missing him the last time he came through, but I ‘m sure I’ll get my chance, he’s getting bigger and better all the time.

1) Patton Oswalt

“Werewolves and Lollipops” saved my stand up comedy career. Allow me to explain.

I was pretty much done with stand up. I hadn’t written anything new in ages…and I didn’t care to. I had nothing but contempt for my audiences, at this point it was a paycheck…not even a good one, that I had to travel out to the middle of nowhere to get. I was right on the verge of packing it all in for good.

Then on the way to a gig, one of the comedians on the bill with me threw in “Werewolves and Lollipops” by Patton Oswalt. When I finally caught my breath and my head stopped aching from laughing so hard, I found myself having renewed faith in both Stand up comedy and my act. He was a nerd, just like me, and an absolute wordsmith. Each turn of phrase was worked to absolute perfection. “KFC Bowls” is a shining example of precision of language and how it can be used for maximum effect. He can be brilliantly articulate one moment and degenerate into complete gibberish the next, and in both cases still be equally funny. He has got to be one of the most quotable comedians working today.

He turned me around and made me believe that something worthwhile COULD be done in stand up and I started loving it again the way I used to. I write more, I try stuff more, I’m more open and relaxed on stage. Nobody in their right mind gets into this for money or fame. If you don’t love it, you have no business being in it. He clearly loves it, and he made me love it too.

Get Werewolves and Lollipops, and while your are at it get My Weakness is Strong. They are a masterclass for any humor writer.

Now, before I go…allow me to use my Jim Gaffigan audience inner monologue voice for a moment.

“Ohhh but wait a minute…What about Bill Hicks? You didn’t put Bill Hicks on the list. I don’t think you’re a very good comedian if you left out Bill Hicks.”

Well, in answer to that…I haven’t heard a lot of Bill Hicks. What I have heard I have enjoyed, but his take no prisoners style has inspired more comedians to behave like total douche bags, both onstage and off than you could possibly imagine. He is therefore not on the list, just on principal.

So, faithful readers, who do you like?

(Oh, if you’re in Edmonton this weekend, I’m playing the YukYuks at the Century Casino. Come out and see if I make your list.)

Thanks to my near toxic levels of geekiness I’ve won a fair amount of Star Wars shit over the years. When Return of the Jedi was coming out, I won passes to see the sneak preview one day before it opened. It was at the Palace Theatre, an old Vaudeville house with popcorn grease permanently embedded in the walls, a beautiful balcony, a huge screen and big old echoing Dolby speakers. It has since turned into a Calgary Flames themed nightclub where the very douchebags I was trying to escape from flock to in droves. The equivalent , I suppose, of invaders looting your place of worship and ransacking it before turning it into their place of worship (See, the Crusades, The Moors in Spain, The Ottoman Turks etc.)

But I digress.

When the Original Trilogy was re-released there was a Star Wars themed store called Star Wares that had an nigh impossible trivia contest. My buddy Tom and I won, and split the prize, a complete set of Star Wars “Power of the Force” Action figures. I have since bought him out and have the whole set. I have kept them in their packages, but the price guides tell me they are worth pretty much nothing. That’s okay If I end up having a son in December, he’s going to have one hell of a 7th Birthday gift.

Which leads me to the story of how I won passes to Episode Three before it opened. The herald had a contest for passes, you had to demonstrate how big a Star Wars fan you were . I sent them the following, which had been my voicemail for some months proceeding the contest. (Working in a sound studio has some advantages) I recently had this dug up out of the archives here at work, so I thought I’d pass it on to you.

Enjoy.

P.S. More Trivia in the line up, won more prizes, including Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, which no one will play with me because they are cowards.

We interrupt the Correctness for a special announcement. I, Tbinns, one of your fearless Correctians is going to be a father.

Let the buying of ridiculous Star Wars themed baby shit begin!

We now return to your regularily scheduled rant, already in progress.

Danica McKellar took a slightly different tack to being a child star. As opposed to developing a drug habit,becoming Marilyn Manson (Not true, by the way) or knocking off a 7-11, when her stint as Winnie Cooper was done, she went to school and has since become a highly respected award winning math scholar. She is the author of a number of books and actually has a theorem named after her and her two co-authors.

This does not, however, stop her from cashing in on her retro crush status by showing off the goods in Maxim every once in awhile.

Which makes her completely fair game for totally disregarding her accomplishments and objectifying her with a pile of horrendous groan inducing Math Based Sex Jokes.

You are welcome.

So here they are…10 God Awful Math Jokes about the chick who played Winnie Cooper on the Wonder Years.

10. I’d like to round up on her Pi

9. It must be cold in there, I can see her decimal points

8.She’s putting the Bra in Algebra

7. I’d like to find the volume of her isosceles triangle

6. Those pictures are x-rated…and I would totally solve for X

5.Now that is Acute Triangle

4.She doesn’t believe in birth control unless it’s the Algorithm Method.

3. I’d like to grade her Bell Curves

2. I heard she has Multiples

1. If you and she were on a train heading east to Chicago at 250 miles per hour, and a train on the opposite track left at the same time doing 235 miles per hour, how many times would you totally bang this chick in the luggage compartment?

Hey Folks. We’re finally back up and running.

We apologize for the interruption, and could give you a long list of reasons as to why it happened, but we’ll stick to

1) admin_rock is not as smart as he thinks he is.
2) See 1

We’ve recovered our data from mid-January back, and will be reposting whatever Google cached articles we can find, and we’ll have the 2nd Quarter Final in the smackdown up this Friday.

You know things have gotten bad when you long for the days of soap on a rope. I mean don’t get us wrong, the Correctness is very pro Christmas. No self respecting adult with the mentality of a 12 year old (which pretty much describes all three of us) would have the temerity to hate Christmas. What we object to is the outer fringe dollar store type ephemera that really draw attention to the fact that the whole thing has gotten waaay out of control. These ten that we present for your edification are but a tip of the giant lumbering iceberg that is Pointless Christmas Shit, and it’s headed right for the S.S. Holiday Spirit.

Here they are in no particular order…man the life boats, here we go…

10. Holiday “Smensils”

Did I mention that we are not making this stuff up? Holiday scented pencils. Personally, the only thing we even use pencils for is math, and no amount of cinnamon scent will make that more tolerable.”Hooray! My somewhat archaic writing utensil smells like Candy Canes! Happy Birthday Jesus!!!” If we could refrain from sharpening them and jabbing them in our eyes in despair it would be a Christmas miracle.

9. Reindeer that dispense Glosettes from its ass

There is a very specific sub genre of “humor” that we like to refer to as “Crassmas”. This includes things like cards with Santa on the toilet about to wipe his ass with wrapping paper, or elves jerking off in the egg nog. Santa with 3 hookers on a T-shirt that says “Ho Ho Ho” you know that sort of thing. This definitely falls into that category.The kind of people who find this stuff amusing also think it’s hilarious to demonstrate their alcohol dependency by decorating their Christmas tree with empty beer cans and hockey paraphernalia. If you are over the age of 12 and derive any amusement at all out of the phrase “It looks like it pooped and now I’m going to eat it.” Put the reindeer down, re-evaluate your life, and go get that mullet cut off for the love of God.

8. Talentless Pop Star Collection of Holiday songs.

As comedian Alyson Smith pointed out, the trick to singing like Jessica Simpson is to sound like you are having an orgasm on every note. Works fine when you are whoring it up in a pop video, not so much for O Holy Night. If a song about the birth of Christ gives me a half chub, you are singing it wrong. Nevertheless, every year whoever happens to be in the middle of their 15 minutes puts out a cash grab album of them ruining all of your favorite Christmas carols with autotuners and more vibrato than a cheap hotel room bed with a roll of quarters in it.. If you don’t think Adam Lambert is coming out with a Christmas Album called “Don We Now Our Gay Apparel” you are sadly mistaken. I don’t think Avril Lavigne can spell “O Tannenbaum” much less sing it. If you aren’t a Jazz singer, or a Muppet, don’t put out a Christmas album, please.

7. Decorations that Sing.

We’re looking at you Big Mouth Bass. And at you, Jiggling Santa that plays Deck the Halls. Any decoration that makes so much a peep is on the list. Double if the item in question is triggered by motion. We didn’t like “Rocking around the Christmas Tree” the first time, we like it less through a shitty tinny speaker at the bottom of a Christmas tree with sun glasses dancing along. All those delightful animatronic window displays we treasured as children have come to this. The sad thing is…somebody keeps buying them…because they keep making them. Whoever you are…CUT IT OUT!!!

#6 Ironic presents

Yes, yes, hipsters, we get it. You truly believe you are smarter than everyone. Ha ha, you’re so clever with your trucker hats and your slogan t-shirts, giving everyone fruitcake. The only kind of irony we want to give you is the old “Someone hit him with that fireplace poker, and now he’s all irony.” Hipsters take note, if you bought it at Reids and you think it’s hilarious, think about how hilarious it would be when we force it into one of your orifices. If you still think it’s worth it, go ahead and buy us that inflatable Deerhead for our wall. Speaking of inflatable…

#5 Giant Inflatable Lawn Ornaments.

Have ever driven down Gateway Blvd as you drive through Edmonton and noticed those obscenely tacky inflatables on the roof of every second store? Well, we have. And never once did we say to ourselves
“My lawn could really use one of those.” Are we trying to recreate the magic of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade in our front yards, people? Because if you are, don’t. We wouldn’t mind them being a waste of precious energy if they beautified your lawn in any way. They don’t. So spare us the Wacky Waving Arm Inflatable Snowman, would you?

4. Tiny Christmas books by Famous Authors

This is the literary equivalent of the Holiday Album pop star thing, where the author cashes in on their name throws off some cloying, sickly treacle that mercifully only lasts for about 30 pages so the publishers can make it stocking sized. It’s even worse if it’s about a pet, or a destitute child. Beware people, coming to a Chapters /Indigo near you will be Stephen King’s The Shining Christmas Star. It’s the Holidays at the Overlook and Danny predicts that he will get a dead chef for Christmas. and Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Christmas in which Santa gets shot down in war torn Bosnia, and decks the halls with ass kicking. Okay, those don’t exist…but you have to admit, some part of you thought they might be real.

3. Calendar Stores

At the end of every November, your local mall will put up two things, one, some sort of North Pole-ish thing for Santa when the kids come to visit, and two, in a previously empty retail space…the Calendar Store. We can’t think of a better way to say “I don’t really know you, and I don’t really care to” than giving someone a “Git er Done Laugh A Day Calendar”. Remember when you were a pre teen, and you were still buying record albums, so when someone handed you that flat, square wrapped gift, you were all like “Awesome this is the Van Halen Album I asked for”? And then you open it only to find it’s a Garfield calendar? Well now nowadays, you don’t even have the luxury of hope. If somebody hands you a flat square present, you know you are screwed and you know you have the Calendar store to thank for it.

P.S. Playboy Calendars? Really?

“I wonder when Easter is this year…? Oh My God, I’m masturbating, again! How does this keep happening?”

2. The Giant Toblerone.

No matter how much you love Toblerone, and we all do…you do not need a 4 foot 10 pound Toblerone.

No, You don’t.

Stop it.

1. Snuggies

Fuck you backwards robe, and fuck you television for making me know what this is. Even my wife wanted to buy one and couldn’t because in two stores they are SOLD OUT. CAN’T KEEP THEM ON THE SHELF!!!

SOLD OUT.

COMPLETELY.

When the true spirit of Christmas is finally smothered under the full weight of consumerism, it will be smothered under a sky blue Snuggie. Happy New Year Humanity…enjoy it while it lasts.

I saw a headline once on Yahoo.com that claimed more and more people were turning to the Bible for financial advice.

This is very odd to me. If you found a copy of the Wall Street Journal that was over 2000 years old, would you take the “Hot Stock Tips” or would you find them just a tad out of date?

It also brought up a few more points in my mind…I’m no financial wizard but please bear these in mind before you go rushing to The Book of Isiah for your investment portfolio.

1. If your broker’s advice to you is “Render unto Caesar what is his”, get a new broker.

2. I’m curious to know, what exactly the rate of return is on 30 pieces of silver?

3. Here’s a hot tip, there’s a lumberyard near old Noah’s place that looks to do very promising business this year.

4. If you’ve got your money in Sodom and Gomorrah…SELL!! SELL!

5. “Honor Thy Father and Mother” is not financial advice, just so you know.

6. If you’ve got money in Lazurus Industries Inc…hang on to your stocks, I think they may just come back from the dead.

7. Let him who hath understanding Reckon the Number of the Beast….for it is a human number the Number is six hundred and sixty six…percent interest

8. A little bird told me that Egypt is about to lose major amount of their workforce after an already sharp income downturn thanks to plagues, frogs, locusts, and river blood. Invest accordingly.

9. There’s a good chance of a Bull Market…provided someone doesn’t sacrifice it to God

10. Do unto others…with an interest rate of at least 12%

Michelangelo used paint and marble. Escher used Pencils. Andy Kaufman used confused looks and a sense of simmering anger. The dad in A Christmas Story used swearing. Cam Ashcroft’s chosen medium is the Facebook Status update. The Correctness proudly presents a brief sample Ashcroftian wit for you to enjoy.

Mon at 11:33am

Cam Ascroft still has a 3 and a half octave range. It just starts an octave lower than it used to.

July 5 at 7:28pm

Cam Ascroft has got all his bases covered. Apart from third base . . . which I rarely get to anyway.

July 5 at 12:15pm

Cam Ascroft is more idiot than savant.

July 4 at 6:38pm

Cam Ascroft – Neil Sedaka has just released a CD for children called “Waking Up Is Hard To Do”. In addition to the title track, it also includes “Happy Birthday Number Three” and “Lunch Will Keep Us Together”. Seriously. I can’t make this shit up.

July 4 at 11:11am

Cam Ascroft is capable of assuming many different shapes and sizes. (So why the hell did he choose THIS one?)

July 3 at 6:55pm

Cam Ascroft is the snaggle-toothed star of “When Ascrofts Attack”.

Cam Ascroft – this just in : Hundreds of Parachute Club fans devastated by recent announcement that Spirit’s time has NOT, in fact, come.

July 2 at 10:19pm

Cam Ascroft saw your shadow. You were NOT Dancin’ at the Feet of the Moon. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure WHAT you were doing. But it was very very . . . peculiar.

July 2 at 8:10pm

Cam Ascroft figures his current health kick will last approximately as long as the fruit in his fridge.

July 2 at 6:07pm

Cam Ascroft says, “Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now.” Ok people. What part of RIGHT NOW do you not understand? Move IT! Move IT! Move IT!!!

July 2 at 3:46pm

Cam Ascroft thinks all this “Mysteries of Life and Death” stuff is pretty much just BS. Still . . . it’d be a shame to waste a perfectly good thunderstorm.

July 2 at 1:46pm

Cam Ascroft just better not try anything stupid. Uh-oh. Too late.

July 2 at 11:49am

Cam Ascroft is adding you to his collection. Just hold still . . . this is going to sting a bit . . . there! Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

J

July 1 at 11:35am

Cam Ascroft has been through the desert on a horse with no name. I eventually named him Bruce. Bruce the horse.

June 30 at 7:20pm

Cam Ascroft is pretty much what you would’ve imagined. Only slightly taller.

June 30 at 1:52pm · Comment

Cam Ascroft is in training, and has been for years. So many years, in fact, that I’ve forgotten precisely what I’m training for.

June 30 at 11:10am

Cam Ascroft – ok. Here’s a thought : “Cam & Kate plus 8″. Yes? No? No . . . perhaps not.

June 29 at 9:26pm

Cam Ascroft is not the Son of a Preacher Man. But I could probably still teach you a thing or two.

June 29 at 7:27pm

Cam Ascroft thought the new AC/DC album sounded pretty good. Of course, all the songs sound pretty much the same. But then, that’s been the case for the last 30 years.

June 29 at 2:53pm

Cam Ascroft is a contributing member of society. Mostly he contributes status updates and empty beer bottles.

June 29 at 10:00am

Cam Ascroft – Everybody’s talkin’ ’bout the new sound, funny, but it’s still Billy Joel to me.

June 28 at 9:43pm

Cam Ascroft – “You see, God is like a Shamrock. Small . . . green . . . and split three ways.”

June 28 at 6:29pm

Cam Ascroft is an excellent sleep aid. Not as effective as, say, listening to Margaret Atwood, but effective nonetheless.

June 27 at 6:40pm

　

Cam Ascroft appears to be the front-runner for the position. Although we’re still desperately hoping that someone more qualified shows up.

June 27 at 3:11pm

Cam Ascroft would make an excellent philanthropist. I just need a little start-up cash. Do they give grants for that sort of thing?

June 27 at 12:16pm

Cam Ascroft continues to strive to be a pseudo-intellectual. Striving to be an actual intellectual seems like a lot of work.

June 27 at 12:37am

　

Cam Ascroft is now on sale. Buy two, get one free. Helluva deal!

June 26 at 3:14pm

Cam Ascroft is a person in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhood. Cam Ascroft is a person in your neighbourhood. He’s a person that you meet each day! (Unless you don’t live around here. In which case . . . not.)

June 26 at 11:00am

Cam Ascroft is basically just humouring you.

June 26 at 8:12am

Cam Ascroft does not have the mumps. This is what is known as a double chin.

June 25 at 10:34pm

Cam Ascroft – on the plus side, this is a great opportunity for Tito and Jermaine to get back into the spotlight.

June 25 at 7:42pm

Cam Ascroft assumes that those Michael Jackson comeback concerts are pretty much off the table at this point.

June 25 at 5:08pm

Cam Ascroft will do whatever the situation calls for. Luckily, the situation usually calls for a beer.

June 25 at 2:53pm

Cam Ascroft just got called downtown to talk to Mitch and Murray. I have a feeling I won’t be getting that set of steak knives.

June 24 at 11:48pm

Cam Ascroft came in here lookin’ like that, with his cowboy boots and his painted-on jeans. He was then physically assaulted by Dolly Parton. But not in a bad way.

June 24 at 2:28pm

Cam Ascroft is a little slow on the . . . . . . uptake.

June 24 at 12:37pm

Cam Ascroft is all about trial and error. well . . . mostly error.

June 24 at 11:14am

Cam Ascroft ’s plan for world domination has been cancelled due a complete lack of reliable minions.

June 23 at 8:07pm

Cam Ascroft would make an excellent Member of Parliament. I don’t use Twitter and I haven’t got any kids to screw up by working outside the home. What’s not to like? Vote for Cam!!

June 23 at 2:12pm

Cam Ascroft will now astound and surprise you with his legendary wit and intellect . . . . actually I may need to rethink this a bit.

June 23 at 11:27am

Cam Ascroft still likes you. So, I guess you’ve got that going for you.

June 22 at 9:59pm

Cam Ascroft is one of those guys who can make the best of a bad situation. (The fact that Cam Ascroft has usually CAUSED the bad sitiuation is beside the point.)

June 22 at 7:55pm

Cam Ascroft is totally in your price range.

June 22 at 11:41am

Cam Ascroft (is using his inside voice.)

June 21 at 11:19pm

Cam Ascroft thinks creeping up on you would be a lot easier if mom didn’t make me wear these squeaky shoes.

June 21 at 9:00pm

Cam Ascroft wants to fill the world with silly glove songs.

June 19 at 8:23am

Cam Ascroft has yet to leap up and yell “That’s Bullshit!” at the screen while watching the “So You Think You Can Dance” results show. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

J

June 18 at 3:27pm

Cam Ascroft would love to be part of the solution, but it’s so much more fun being part of the problem.

June 18 at 12:59pm

Cam Ascroft is laying his cards on the table. Here’s my equity card, and my union card, and, let’s see here . . . oh, here’s a gift card from Starbucks (gotta use that), and here’s my Alberta Health Care card (won’t be needing that anymore), and . . .

June 18 at 8:01am

Cam Ascroft is rather concerned and somewhat perplexed by the strange protruberance in the centre of his face. (Um, Cam . . . that’s your nose.) Yes . . . well . . . I still think I should get it checked out.

June 17 at 7:08pm

Cam Ascroft gets chills whenever Peter Cetera hits that high “Oo-woo-oo-oo” note in “If You Leave Me Now”. But not necessarily in a good way.

June 17 at 5:47pm

Cam Ascroft thinks summer’s here and the time is right for dancin’ in the streets. Not that I’ll be doing any. Cam don’t dance, regardless of the season.

June 17 at 2:10pm

Cam Ascroft was the main instigator in what eventually became known as “The Cam Ascroft Incident”.

June 17 at 12:21am

Cam Ascroft is primarily used as a noun, as in “Oh dear, I appear to have trodden in a Cam Ascroft”, but can occasionally be used as a verb, as in “Oh dear, I appear to have Cam Ascrofted in my pants.”

June 16 at 8:02pm

Cam Ascroft thinks we should let cooler heads assess the situation in Iran. Anybody know if Gary Busey’s available?

June 16 at 2:16pm

Cam Ascroft wears the chain I forged in life. I made it link by link, and yard by yard. It’s bronze painted gold. But I tell everyone it’s the real thing.

June 16 at 10:53am

Cam Ascroft wonders if you’ll settle for a PG-13 relationship.

June 15 at 8:42pm

Cam Ascroft is compact and efficient, kinda like a Smart Car.

June 15 at 5:02pm

Cam Ascroft is all smoke and mirrors. Well . . . mostly smoke.

June 15 at 12:25pm

Cam Ascroft is not one of the boys in the bright white sports car. He is, however, the guy in the teal green Pontiac. Not quite as impressive, I realize.

June 15 at 10:10am

Cam Ascroft would not have laughed quite so heartily had he realized you were being serious.

June 15 at 7:04am

Cam Ascroft cannot get his head out of his ass, as he is currently too busy trying to get his foot out of his mouth.

June 14 at 11:55pm

Cam Ascroft , much like a Little Caesars medium pepperoni pizza, is both hot and ready.

June 14 at 8:21pm

Cam Ascroft is extremely sympathetic to your cause. Um . . . what is it again?

June 14 at 5:57pm

Cam Ascroft is trying to figure out how he can be both underappreciated and overrated all at the same time.

June 14 at 2:19pm

Cam Ascroft saw something nasty in the woodshed. “Sure you did, but did it see you, baby.”

June 14 at 12:11pm

Cam Ascroft plans to do very little moving around today. Movement is overrated.

June 14 at 10:34am

Cam Ascroft thinks “Scrubs” is the funniest show I never watch.

June 14 at 1:28am

Cam Ascroft – Ok. Here’s the thing. Either the new Fatburger in my neighbourhood moves, or I do. Otherwise, this is not going to end well.

June 13 at 7:05pm

Cam Ascroft is currently surrounded by incompetence. Unfortunately, I’m also currently the only one here.

June 13 at 4:42pm

Cam Ascroft has 243 Facebook friends. Of course, several of them are imaginary.

June 13 at 12:31pm

Cam Ascroft . . . or, at least, we think it is. You can’t really tell anything from a police sketch.

June 13 at 11:16am

Cam Ascroft is an honourable man . . . apart from that whole “stabbing Caesar” incident.

June 12 at 8:33pm

Cam Ascroft thinks the ridiculous number of DUI’s partly explain why Rip Torn is so friggin’ good at playing drunk.

June 12 at 6:48pm

Cam Ascroft has nothing wrong with him that couldn’t be cured by a 12-pack of Stella Artois. Oh my! What have we here? . . . Ahhhhhhh.

June 12 at 5:29pm

Cam Ascroft wants to have kids just so I can pull them out of classes teaching creationism or abstinence.

June 12 at 8:05am

Cam Ascroft wants to make this absolutely clear. I do NOT need to lose weight. I merely need to acquire larger belts.

June 11 at 7:41pm

Cam Ascroft is not to be mocked! (Cam’s a moron.) Alright. What . . . did I just . . . say.

June 11 at 5:15pm

Cam Ascroft is unlikely to get a sports-related injury.

June 11 at 1:53pm

Cam Ascroft coulda been a barTENDah! I coulda been SOMEBODY. Instead of a . . . what? What do you mean that’s not the line? Um. I was “making it my own”.

June 11 at 11:45am

Cam Ascroft just got around to watching “The Watcher”. Funny thing about Keanu; I’ve never bought him as a hero, but he makes a fascinating villain. Something about that semi-smug, semi-stoned, blankness of delivery makes for a very good psychopath.

June 10 at 10:12pm

Cam Ascroft welcomes you to another exciting, exhuberant and somewhat excrutiating edition of, “So You Think You Can Dance Like Cam Ascroft. (It ain’t all that tough.)”

June 10 at 6:28pm

Cam Ascroft can smile and smile and still be a villain. It’s all in the teeth, really.

June 10 at 5:17pm

Cam Ascroft a disparu! Ou est Cam? Ou est Cam?? Il n’y a pas au bibliotheque. Il n’y a pas au salle de bain. Ou est Cam??

June 10 at 1:37pm

Cam Ascroft is NOT the Queen of the Roller Derby. Just in case you were wondering.

June 10 at 11:43am

Cam Ascroft can be found under many of the better porches and decks.

June 10 at 8:38am

Cam Ascroft wants to make it clear that when I referred to you as an “ego-driven self-important boob” I meant it in the nicest possible way.

June 9 at 5:20pm

Cam Ascroft has a free afternoon and a bunch of leftover beer. Hmm. What to do, what to do, what to do . . .June 9 at 2:25pm

June 9 at 1:16pm

Cam Ascroft says, “Take the ribbon from your hair. Shake it loose, and let it fall . . . . whoa! CLEARLY not the way to go . . . ok, let’s get that hair back up, shall we? Yipe!”

June 9 at 11:23am

Cam Ascroft , for his 36th birthday, appears to have received jowls. These will come in very handy for all those wondeful character parts I’m going to be offered over the next few years, yes?

June 8 at 1:32pm

Cam Ascroft is not quite over the hill. But the summit is definitely in sight.

June 8 at 8:22am

Cam Ascroft – Why, god, WHY?!? We had a DEAL!!

June 8 at 12:05am

Cam Ascroft was kind of hoping Angela Lansbury would do a one-armed push-up. But . . . ’twas not to be.

June 7 at 9:37pm

Cam Ascroft , as in, ” . . . and the Tony goes to . . . CAM ASCROFT?!!? (Something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.)”

June 7 at 6:24pm

Cam Ascroft is a term used to describe a person, place, or thing. No . . . wait . . . that’s an adjective . . .not an Ascroft.

June 7 at 3:46pm

Cam Ascroft thinks that jumping in with both feet is a good way to break an ankle.

June 7 at 1:20pm

Cam Ascroft used to be a “sensitive new-age kind of guy”. I am now a “sensitive old-age kind of guy”.

June 7 at 11:05am

Cam Ascroft , unlike Groucho Marx, WOULD want to join a club that would have him as a member. Um . . . no offers yet.

June 7 at 9:20am
Cam Ascroft thinks perhaps I’ve been listening to too much Jerry Lee Lewis. My nerves are shaken and my brain is rattled.

June 6 at 5:32pm

Cam Ascroft – So, apparently the Carradine family wants the FBI to investigate David’s death. Perhaps someone should remind Keith that, even though he played an FBI agent on Dexter, he is not one in real life.

June 6 at 3:23pm

　Cam Ascroft has nothing to lose except his dignity. No . . . wait . . . I actually lost that back in ‘93. Cam Ascroft has nothing to lose.

June 6 at 12:11pm

Cam Ascroft requests that you wait in the antechamber. He is currently in the drawing room playing with his model trains . . . er . . . pondering the important political questions of the day.

June 5 at 7:41pm

Cam Ascroft is preparing for another lovely June day in Calgary. Let’s see now . . . Galoshes? Check. Mittens? Check. Scarf? Check. Jumper cables? Check. Ok. I think I’m set.

June 5 at 5:37pm

Cam Ascroft ’s “Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day” chant doesn’t seem to be having the desired effect. Perhaps I need to be more forceful. “Rain, rain, go away . . . or I will kick you in the FACE!!” Ya. That’s more like it.

June 5 at 3:21pm

Cam Ascroft occasionally gets mad. But rarely “hopping mad”. Cam looks absolutely ridiculous when he hops. Also, it’s bad for the joints.

June 5 at 12:12pm

Cam Ascroft is not going to take this laying down! Reclining, perhaps . . .

June 5 at 10:04am

Cam Ascroft is the male version of what used to be known as “a woman of a certain age.”

Cam Ascroft – “And if it hadn’t been for that bullet in my pocket . . . that bible would’ve gone straight through my heart.”

June 4 at 12:18pm

Cam Ascroft is very user friendly.

June 4 at 10:40am

Cam Ascroft is a man on a mission. I’d love to tell you what it is but . . . uh . . . it’s classified.

June 3 at 10:37pm

Cam Ascroft promises to never do that whole “turn the mic out to the crowd so they can sing the chorus” bit when playing live. It’s a rip-off! I’ll give you your money’s worth.

June 3 at 5:16pm

Cam Ascroft thinks yer hot! (But not in a creepy way . . . well, mostly not in a creepy way.)

June 3 at 3:16pm

Cam Ascroft “Don’t go around tonight. It’s bound to take your life. There’s a bathroom on the right.”

June 3 at 8:26am

Cam Ascroft has got hungry thighs. One look at you and I can’t disguise, I’ve got hungry thighs . . . what? . . .”eyes”?!? Really? Ya, actually that does kinda make more sense . . .

June 2 at 9:49pm

Cam Ascroft ’s recent status updates seem to fluctuate between goofy, bitchy, and desperate. (Also the names of 3 of the lesser known dwarfs.)

June 2 at 7:35pm

Cam Ascroft was halfway reclined in his hammock on the back porch when he suddenly realized he does not in fact have a hammock . . . or a back porch, for that matter. It came as a bit of a shock, I must say.

A quick look at the Correctness analytics reveal we have received hits from every province and every state. Except one.

Idaho.

Too good for The Correctness Idaho? Too busy with your potatoes and your stupid law that forbids you to give someone else a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds? We LIKE candy at the Correctness Idaho. We like it more than we like you, as a matter of fact.

You’re all like “Ooooh loook at me I’m Idaho, I have the largest man made Geyser in the world at Soda Springs! I’m 5897 feet above sea level and I hate the Correctness.”

Well you know what, we don’t even WANT you to look on here Idaho. You and your deepest gorge in the Continental United States are not welcome here. Go look at Potato porn, you Correctness hating Sons of Bitches!

We’re coining a new word. “Idaholes” It means some Sawtooth National Park visiting Idaho non humor site checking out River City assholes.

Fuck You Idaho.

P.s. We are erasing all of your information from Wikipedia.

It’s the Calgary Comic Expo, 2009 and unhinged nerdery abounds. At an autograph table, right across from Edward James Olmos, (If you don’t know who that is, stop reading. RESPECT THE OLD MAN, FUCKERS!!!)TV Uber cutie Jewel Staite signs a picture for a pudgy anime princess. Not realizing that destiny had just paid 20 bucks, and was approaching her with a DVD of Firefly in hand, she takes a quick sip of water, and stretches.

When they lock eyes, time stops. The vibrations are palpable. It echoes throughout the showroom floor, causing Margot Kidder to pause in her carnival barking for autographs and cock her head like a curious dog. Several aisles away a woman dressed as Emma Frost gets a shiver. (Although, to be fair she wasn’t wearing much, but we stand by the palpable echo nevertheless)

Finally after both an instant and an eternity, Jewel speaks.

JEWEL: Hello there!
(What she meant was “As I look upon you, I know at last what it truly means to be a woman. With needs.”

Tbinns: Hi. How are you?
(Please, I’m married, you are embarrassing both of us)

JEWEL: I’m good thanks. Do you want it personalized?
(“Tell me your name at least, I must know who you are!”)

Tbinns: Yes, please. My name is Tony
(I’m only giving you my first name, I can’t have you looking me up)

JEWEL: Sure, no problem
(I belong to you now. That’s why I’m signing this with a little heart on it. To let you know that I am utterly yours)

Tbinns: Long day?
(I’m changing the subject now, because your obvious carnal desires are making me uncomfortable)

JEWEL: Not too bad. Getting near the end, though.
(I’m done here at 5, I’m staying at the Hotel Arts just a little ways away from here, please meet me there. I find pudgy Kevin Smith types highly arousing and you are making me crazy. I mean, there are a ton of those guys here, but you clearly are the best one. I must have you!!!)

Tbinns: Well, thanks very much for coming, it was a pleasure meeting you
(I have to go now, Kandyse McClure from Battlestar Galactica is checking out my ass and I have to go tell her to cut it out)

JEWEL: Oh, you’re welcome it was a pleasure meeting you. Take care.
(NO!! Don’t leave! You mutsn’t!!! How will I live? Whatever will I do? Come back, I will totally introduce you to Joss Whedon and you guys will be best pals!!! YOU ARE MY UNIVERSE!!! COME BACK!!!)

So there you have it. Tragic really, that I had to utterly destroy her heart like that. When will these people learn that all I want is an autograph? Why do they always go that extra step with me? I’m not even going to get into the nightmare that was the Sean Astin autograph session.