Dear 24:

I never thought we’d get to the place where I would have to do this, but I’m breaking up with you. It shouldn’t come as much of a shock, we’ve barely seen each other in the last year or so, and neither of us seem every interested in staying together. Between my lackluster interest in you, and your refusal to change, or try anything other than the same old tired tricks, well, it’s inevitable.

When we first got together, I was in awe of you. Your smart, choppy style, your boundary pushing narrative devices, the way you showed me what everyone was doing the last few seconds of each hour. And when our second year together started, I was shocked at the ferocity you showed.

But after 3 or 4 years, the tricks wore off, and you showed me what was at your heart, and that was some pretty horrible formulaic crap. I loathe the way you try to excite me off the top, and then fall into a boring pattern of introducing some minor characters I don’t give a rat’s ass about. You follow the same pattern of getting a lead, having that lead move towards another lead, etc, until midseason, when you introduce a pretty obvious “game changer!”, which you then don’t act on until the very end of the season.

Your acting has never been your strong suit, and your logic often falls apart. The further I get from loving you, the more I wonder how I fell for you in the first place. But then I remember, it was all about Jack. Because he was awesome, and powerful, and everything we wanted in a leading man. Of course, as the years go on, he becomes more predictable, and shouty, and he keeps running out of time, and shouting that into whatever phone is closest.

So, I think that it’s best if we go our separate ways, you into more of the same old thing, with new characters that I won’t even bother to care about, and me back to my true love: “LOST”.

Thanks, it was fun.

Sure, it’s easy to blame NBC for being complete idiots, and always trying to keep all the talent, even in circumstances that clearly never work. You might be inclined to blame Jay Leno for not just stepping down like he said he would, or refusing to take the Tonight Show. You could even blame Conan, if you ignored Jay’s impassioned plea and were that way inclined. (I am not) I mean after all, he left of his own volition, because he didn’t want to move to 12:05. (Coughcoughintegritycoughcough)

But I think there is a far more sinister force at work here. I have zoomed in on exactly who is at fault for Conan O Brien getting the shaft….

It’s this man….

ANDY RICHTER!!!!!

That’s right, good old lovable Andy is responsible for that whole late night mess.

“But, Tbinns” you’d say if you were to address me by that name, which frankly, I’d rather you didn’t “How could it be Andy’s fault? He’d never screw over Conan.”

Maybe not on purpose. No my friends what happened here is Conan fell victim to what I call The Richter Curse.

Andy is notorious for being involved in awesome stuff that gets canceled long before it’s time.

Exhibit A) Andy Richter Controls the Universe.

The show was hilarious, ahead of it’s time , and featured the ever so lovely Paget Brewster. It had moments of sheer brilliance, and what happened to it? Well first the shifted the time slot and then they shitcanned it all together after just one season.

Exhibit b) Andy Parker P.I.

Critics raved. Hipsters loved it. Canceled after 1 season.

And here are a few other facts to consider. Late Night with Conan O Brien struggled for years before finding an audience…and in those early struggling years, who was by his side? Andy Richter.

That’s okay, you can see him guest on Mr. Show …oh wait… CANCELED!!!!

Hey, guess who guest starred on our much beloved Arrested Development? Oh is that Andy Richter there? CANCELED!!!

Even the Tonight show, that unassailable institution is unable to withstand the power of the Richter Curse. The next time you hear Jay Leno squeaking out “Did you hear about this folks?” in that tone of voice that beats you over the head with the claw hammer of mediocrity…you know who to blame.

“But Tbinns” you say

“I told you to stop calling me that” I say

“But he was in Elf and that was a huge hit” you say

“Well…” I stammer “ Uhhh… shut up.”

Andy, if you are reading this, I beg you…start using your powers for good. Stop picking cool shows to be in. Go do a cameo on Jersey Shore. Be a guest judge on American Idol. Sign up for Dancing with the Stars. Be a corpse on NCIS. Go on Heroes and put it out of its misery. You have the power to make the world a better place… do it Andy. Throw all of your God given common sense and good taste out the window , for all our sakes.

And for the love of God, stay the hell away from 30 Rock.

(Ring Ring)

Oh, excuse me, I have to take this…hello?

WHAT? WHEN?

Liz Lemon’s BROTHER?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

It is too late for her. She is doomed

10. The Mysterious prisoner is actually the Devil

9. The real monsters…? MANKIND

8. The Peddler who sold the person the Dollhouse they became trapped in forever is actually the Devil

7. Bruce Willis was dead the whole time

6. The patient is beautiful, everyone else is ugly…also the nurse is the Devil.

5. The young boy grows up to be Hitler…the Devil kicked him out of Art School

4. Burgess Meridith is not the Devil. But his dog probably is.

3.The Casual litterer is doomed to spend his life getting garbage thrown at him.

2.Old Nick Scratch who lives on the corner of Hellstreet and Damnation road may not be a kindly old grocer after all

1. The mysterious hitchhiker with psychic powers that William Shatner saw on the side of the plane actually died 5 years ago that very night, and every year on the anniversary of that fateful car he crash hitchhikes back to his grandma’s house to get a new pair of glasses, because the ones he had in the afterlife (when he finally had time to catch up on his reading) broke. Because the Devil broke them

Allow me to share with you some revelations I’ve had about Norm MacDonald and Neil Young.

Both of these gentlemen are Canadian entertainers who have a rabid fan base, neither of whom I have enjoyed in the past.

In fact I would say that I actively disliked them. In the case of Norm MacDonald I particularly detested his stammering delivery of non jokes that he tries to get you to laugh at by blinking you into submission. I seemed to be the only comedian in the world who was happy he got shit canned from SNL. All of my friends love this guy and his appeal was lost on me completely.

“Germans love David Hasslehoff do they, Norm? Huh. Fascinating. You know what else is fascinating? Writing jokes. Try it Norm.”

In fact my dislike of Norm was so intense, I actually SAW him in a Sports memorabilia store in LA, and I didn’t even go over and say hello or ask for an autograph.

And look at Neil Young. Take a good look at this picture….

Spare some change today, sir?

This guy is supposed to be one of the greats and I just couldn’t stand him. “You want to see a Neil Young concert?” I’d say to my pals, “ Go find a homeless guy on the street, and poke him with a stick until he starts whining. Sounds the same, looks the same…hell probably even smells the same.” Admit it, if you saw this guy anywhere near your kid’s school, you’d call the cops.

I was content with my smug hipster douchebag pronouncements for the longest time. Neil and Norm sucked, and that was that. And then something unexpected happened.

I started hearing other bands cover Neil Young songs. And sure enough, every time I did, it threw me for a loop. These were not just good songs, these were awesome songs. I was jumping around like a madman when I saw the Trews cover “Keep on Rocking in the Free World.” Hell I even dig the cheesy Prelude version of “After the Goldrush” . Not to mention all the amazing work with Buffalo Springfield, “For What it’s worth” being a personal fav. These are really profound, thoughtful, interesting songs, that musically kick some serious ass.

At the same time I started seeing some of the stuff Norm was doing and was forced to admit it was not just funny, it might even be a strange kind of genius. I finally started to get the idea that the lame duck routine was just that…a routine. His Conan appearances were always classics. His roasting of Bob Saget with horribly lame and tame roast jokes was hysterical and incredibly ballsy.And he played it so straight that somewhere, miles away in his posh estate, Bob Newhart got a shiver and didn’t quite know why. Adam Corrolla’s version of Death on Family Guy doesn’t even come close to Norm’s. And his latest appearance on Conan with the gift basket was savage and razor sharp.

And yet, despite these new perspectives, when one or the other appears on tv or the radio I fight the urge to switch the channel immediately.

So what’s the problem? What do these two have in common? I narrowed it down to one thing.

It’s the voice.

I can’t stand Neil Young’s whine, and I can’t stand Norm’s weird bleating circuitous delivery. So much so that it impedes my ability to enjoy their own particular brands of genius

“There was baaaaaaannnd playing in my heeeeeaaaadddd”

UGH!!!!

“Heeeey you know there uh Conan, I uhh found out something about camels…you know ehhh yeah yeah… they uh…they have HUGE COCKS” (Blink Blink)

GAAAAHHHH!!!

So, I hereby state for the record that I acknowledge that Neil Young is a rock icon, brilliant songwriter and a National Treasure. I also admit that Norm MacDonald is a warped genius, and innovative wise ass that deserves his rabid cult following.

And I will still only be able to listen to them in small doses.

So the only question that remains for you, dear Correctness reader is this…Where the hell do I, an ardent Rush fan, get off complaining about someone’s VOICE?

P.S. Look up Norm’s latest visit to Conan online, and if you tune in, I believe Neil Young will be on the Tonight Show this very evening.

The Correctness would like to congratulate Chloe Sevigny on her much deserved Golden Globe win last night. And thanks to her performance in “The Brown Bunny” we also know that she can fit the whole award in her mouth.

Thank you, we are here all week, try the steak.

Here at the Correctness, we are concerned about the recent IKEA ad campaigns, narrated by David Hyde Pierce, in which domestic horrors are narrowly avoided with the thin, calming veneer of Ikea home furnishings.  What surprised us even more were some of the rejected scripts.

1. At IKEA, we designed GERDE knives to be extra sharp, so when you are slicing an avocado, you don’t slip and sever a finger, causing you to bleed on the face of your child, causing little Susie to scream “It’s bible camp all over again!” and start convulsing on the floor in a puddle of her own terrified urine while you bleed to death from heavy arterial damage. Sharpness. At IKEA, we thought of that.

2. At IKEA, we made the BLUMPKIN mattress to be extra firm, preventing you from sinking into the middle with your spouse every night, causing her to remark “Would you just stay  on your own side of the bed, Bernard? PLEASE?”, causing you to remark “Your fat ass drags me in, Edith, why don’t you lose some goddamn weight?”, which in turn causes Edith to chop off your dick with a GERDE knife. Firmness. At IKEA, we thought of that.

3. At IKEA, we designed GNUTSAKK cabinets to hold the very most food, preventing your drunk husband from coming home and saying “Whycome we’s outta beans, Laureli?”, to which you meekly reply that is was a mistake and it will never happen again, to which he responds with the full conviction of his fists. This prevents him from beating you mercilessly, and stops him from whipping you with his belt while demanding that you strip down and “suck it like a hoover, you stupid crying bitch”. Storage. At IKEA, we thought of that.

I was basically minding my own business at the university, as I usually do. You know, just eating some inexpensive plain rice, and watching girls go by.  Maybe this is a bit autobiographical, but ever since 1/3 of The Correctness went back to school, a lot of the young girls seem way more retarded than they seemed the first time around.

So, there I was eating my rice and watching the fifteenth or sixteenth 19 year old girl get snowed by some 3rd year psychology student who wanted to just go somewhere private with her and “Just people-watch for fun.”, when my friend Kimura came over. He gave me the usual hello by allowing an implausible large smile to appear instantly on his face, blushing violently, and having his eyes disappear into tight lines in the folds of his cheeks.

Anywho, suddenly the sky in the student centre went all multicoloured and blurry, and the camera panned around to my arch nemesis Hiroko. For those of you uninformed, you can easily spot Hiroko as my arch nemesis because his hair is taller, more spiky, and more blonde than mine.

“So, RobbieRobTown, we meet again, only this time I control the DrakkBattle Cubes!” said Hiroko, as the multicoloured pastel background reflected in his huge glossy eyes. He held aloft his Battlecard BallPower StickSpoon 9Mech.

“Oh no!” Said a terrified Kimura, “Hiroki has come to battle your DigiGen GI-Force BakuSushiMon, but your HamsterMon is weak from battling the KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X!”.

Kimura could not have been more right. Only last week while I had been waiting in a very long line for rice (Because it is shorter than the Tim Horton’s line by a significant margin.), I was forced to battle my tired HamsterMon.  The KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X was in line ahead of me, and changed his order several times.

The camera (I already mentioned the camera, but there is a camera in the student centre that follows me) snap-zoomed in on my face, and I held an angry stare with Hiroko.

I turned to face Hiroko. “Not so fast, Hiroko, I have been training my trading card/ arm holstered/ real life creature/ video game thing HamsterMon, and I  have already played the MechaTornadonite Cretttt Nort, and I am ready for this battle!”

Suddenly, the card-stock illustrated character creatures on our cards magnified to 50 times their original size. My once cute HamsterMon sprouted green spikes and razor sharp teeth on his Digigyoza Anus.

Hiroko’s TurtleJesusNondaiMon Red Series drooled acid onto the floor, melting a 19 year old girl.

“You cannot defeat me now!” Said Hiroko. “Your HamsterMon is too weak! And with the DrakkBattle Cubes activated, you have lost all your reversal MonCheeto Ran Ran Reduxite points!”

“But you have forgotten one thing!” I said, pausing for dramatic effect while our giant drooling monsters didn’t actually fight, but instead waited around while we discussed a card game/ plastic ball battle that was somehow simultaneously literal and metaphorical. “I have activated the Gotogoto Tenfive Z lore cards! And because I have Jandu’s Ring of Lunghat, Your DrakkBattle Cubes are in reversal Clamato mode!”

Suddenly, our two montsters leapt into the air, and yet with very little movement, attacked each other! They made several quickly edited but limited motions, and as they collided and struck each other flashes of light obscured the action.

Finally, without any sense being made, HamsterMon shrunk back into a regular hamster, and nuzzled into my neck. Meanwhile, Hiroko’s hideous TurtleJesusNondaiMon Red Series turned back into a collectible playing card, instead of a small living creature.

Then I bled profusely from my eyes due to massive brain trauma. That was pretty much my Thursday.

It’s no secret that The Correctness are big fans of Joss Whedon. He’s made a string of shows that are brilliant, funny, and engaging. We watched Buffy (movie and show), We watched Angel. We loved the hell out of Firefly and Serenity. We crushed on Dr Horrible. We (well, at least some of we) really dig Dollhouse. But Joss, buddy, we need to talk about how the networks (we’re mostly looking at you, Fox!) treat you.

The Friday night death slot is just that. Death. If they air you on Friday, they cancel you soon after. You know it, we know it. The executives and their notes, asking you to change this or that, showing episodes out of order, making you reshoot pilot episodes, etc. The list goes on.

Here are the facts: You know how to make good TV. You know how to find like-minded people to help you do this. You have a great rapport with your actors, and have gathered a stable of folks who will do anything you sign on for. And, hey, millions of fans who feel likewise.

We know you were doing Eliza a solid by taking on Dollhouse through Fox. But after the reports that Fox will “air all 13 episodes this season” and that you’re being shelved for the sweeps period, we’re all in agreement that Fox doesn’t give a crap about you.

So, we’ve been thinking about this, and we think that you should ditch TV once and for all. We keep our eye on things like DVD sales, and we noted that even a show like Babylon 5, which was a cult favorite, and not a mainstream hit, in the words of its creator “have raised over 500 million in revenue.” Dr. Horrible was a big hit, and it wasn’t made for TV at all. You see what we’re getting at?

Get a few backers together (or hey, maybe you have the cash to bankroll the thing yourself), and produce your own show, make it, slap it on iTunes, sell DVDs at the end of season, get it on Hulu. You KNOW we’ll all fork over some cash to see more great storytelling. At the very worst, we’ll still treat you better than the network execs.

The press will still cover you, network or no. The ComicCon crowds will spread the world. The fanboys will love your bold steps, and we’ll be done with the Fox network entirely (well, okay, we’ll keep watching House, but that’s it!). We’ll even start a whole new site called “The Jossness”. Or not, that sounds pretty lame. Then, when you’ve proven the model works, when the Season 1 DVD sales roll in, you can ramp up the production values for season 2, when everything gets good anyway.

Also, when all this works out, remember your old friends at The Correctness. And give J.M.S. a call, and tell him to do this too.

Love, The Correctness.