(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

Sure, it’s easy to blame NBC for being complete idiots, and always trying to keep all the talent, even in circumstances that clearly never work. You might be inclined to blame Jay Leno for not just stepping down like he said he would, or refusing to take the Tonight Show. You could even blame Conan, if you ignored Jay’s impassioned plea and were that way inclined. (I am not) I mean after all, he left of his own volition, because he didn’t want to move to 12:05. (Coughcoughintegritycoughcough)

But I think there is a far more sinister force at work here. I have zoomed in on exactly who is at fault for Conan O Brien getting the shaft….

It’s this man….

ANDY RICHTER!!!!!

That’s right, good old lovable Andy is responsible for that whole late night mess.

“But, Tbinns” you’d say if you were to address me by that name, which frankly, I’d rather you didn’t “How could it be Andy’s fault? He’d never screw over Conan.”

Maybe not on purpose. No my friends what happened here is Conan fell victim to what I call The Richter Curse.

Andy is notorious for being involved in awesome stuff that gets canceled long before it’s time.

Exhibit A) Andy Richter Controls the Universe.

The show was hilarious, ahead of it’s time , and featured the ever so lovely Paget Brewster. It had moments of sheer brilliance, and what happened to it? Well first the shifted the time slot and then they shitcanned it all together after just one season.

Exhibit b) Andy Parker P.I.

Critics raved. Hipsters loved it. Canceled after 1 season.

And here are a few other facts to consider. Late Night with Conan O Brien struggled for years before finding an audience…and in those early struggling years, who was by his side? Andy Richter.

That’s okay, you can see him guest on Mr. Show …oh wait… CANCELED!!!!

Hey, guess who guest starred on our much beloved Arrested Development? Oh is that Andy Richter there? CANCELED!!!

Even the Tonight show, that unassailable institution is unable to withstand the power of the Richter Curse. The next time you hear Jay Leno squeaking out “Did you hear about this folks?” in that tone of voice that beats you over the head with the claw hammer of mediocrity…you know who to blame.

“But Tbinns” you say

“I told you to stop calling me that” I say

“But he was in Elf and that was a huge hit” you say

“Well…” I stammer “ Uhhh… shut up.”

Andy, if you are reading this, I beg you…start using your powers for good. Stop picking cool shows to be in. Go do a cameo on Jersey Shore. Be a guest judge on American Idol. Sign up for Dancing with the Stars. Be a corpse on NCIS. Go on Heroes and put it out of its misery. You have the power to make the world a better place… do it Andy. Throw all of your God given common sense and good taste out the window , for all our sakes.

And for the love of God, stay the hell away from 30 Rock.

(Ring Ring)

Oh, excuse me, I have to take this…hello?

WHAT? WHEN?

Liz Lemon’s BROTHER?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
It is too late for her. She is doomed

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

10. The Mysterious prisoner is actually the Devil

9. The real monsters…? MANKIND

8. The Peddler who sold the person the Dollhouse they became trapped in forever is actually the Devil

7. Bruce Willis was dead the whole time

6. The patient is beautiful, everyone else is ugly…also the nurse is the Devil.

5. The young boy grows up to be Hitler…the Devil kicked him out of Art School

4. Burgess Meridith is not the Devil. But his dog probably is.

3.The Casual litterer is doomed to spend his life getting garbage thrown at him.

2.Old Nick Scratch who lives on the corner of Hellstreet and Damnation road may not be a kindly old grocer after all

1. The mysterious hitchhiker with psychic powers that William Shatner saw on the side of the plane actually died 5 years ago that very night, and every year on the anniversary of that fateful car he crash hitchhikes back to his grandma’s house to get a new pair of glasses, because the ones he had in the afterlife (when he finally had time to catch up on his reading) broke. Because the Devil broke them

Comments (2)

Keith said on 27-01-2010
Keith

I liked the guy who died and then got everything he ever wanted thanks to an angel. But it turned out that getting everything is boring and eventually he goes crazy. Oh, and the angel was really the devil.

Fuchie said on 31-01-2010
Fuchie

Too bad they never featured the Devil – that woulda been cool.

(Note: This is a repost of the original)

The Correctness would like to congratulate Chloe Sevigny on her much deserved Golden Globe win last night. And thanks to her performance in “The Brown Bunny” we also know that she can fit the whole award in her mouth.

Thank you, we are here all week, try the steak.

Here at the Correctness, we are concerned about the recent IKEA ad campaigns, narrated by David Hyde Pierce, in which domestic horrors are narrowly avoided with the thin, calming veneer of Ikea home furnishings. What surprised us even more were some of the rejected scripts.

1. At IKEA, we designed GERDE knives to be extra sharp, so when you are slicing an avocado, you don’t slip and sever a finger, causing you to bleed on the face of your child, causing little Susie to scream “It’s bible camp all over again!” and start convulsing on the floor in a puddle of her own terrified urine while you bleed to death from heavy arterial damage. Sharpness. At IKEA, we thought of that.

2. At IKEA, we made the BLUMPKIN mattress to be extra firm, preventing you from sinking into the middle with your spouse every night, causing her to remark “Would you just stay on your own side of the bed, Bernard? PLEASE?”, causing you to remark “Your fat ass drags me in, Edith, why don’t you lose some goddamn weight?”, which in turn causes Edith to chop off your dick with a GERDE knife. Firmness. At IKEA, we thought of that.

3. At IKEA, we designed GNUTSAKK cabinets to hold the very most food, preventing your drunk husband from coming home and saying “Whycome we’s outta beans, Laureli?”, to which you meekly reply that is was a mistake and it will never happen again, to which he responds with the full conviction of his fists. This prevents him from beating you mercilessly, and stops him from whipping you with his belt while demanding that you strip down and “suck it like a hoover, you stupid crying bitch”. Storage. At IKEA, we thought of that.

Comments (5)
Tbinns said on 13-01-2010
Tbinns

I’m not sure urine is capable of the emotional state of being terrified

admin_rock said on 13-01-2010
admin_rock

Clearly you’ve never been bathed in RobbieRobTown’s urine.

I’ve said too much.

Oldtimer said on 14-01-2010
Oldtimer

Stupid swedes…

Dazy said on 17-01-2010
Dazy

uh… START THE CAR! Start the caarrrr???

Karl said on 21-01-2010
Karl

I would love to see #2 done on the Moose stage, narrated from the side.

Well done.

I was basically minding my own business at the university, as I usually do. You know, just eating some inexpensive plain rice, and watching girls go by.  Maybe this is a bit autobiographical, but ever since 1/3 of The Correctness went back to school, a lot of the young girls seem way more retarded than they seemed the first time around.

So, there I was eating my rice and watching the fifteenth or sixteenth 19 year old girl get snowed by some 3rd year psychology student who wanted to just go somewhere private with her and “Just people-watch for fun.”, when my friend Kimura came over. He gave me the usual hello by allowing an implausible large smile to appear instantly on his face, blushing violently, and having his eyes disappear into tight lines in the folds of his cheeks.

Anywho, suddenly the sky in the student centre went all multicoloured and blurry, and the camera panned around to my arch nemesis Hiroko. For those of you uninformed, you can easily spot Hiroko as my arch nemesis because his hair is taller, more spiky, and more blonde than mine.

“So, RobbieRobTown, we meet again, only this time I control the DrakkBattle Cubes!” said Hiroko, as the multicoloured pastel background reflected in his huge glossy eyes. He held aloft his Battlecard BallPower StickSpoon 9Mech.

“Oh no!” Said a terrified Kimura, “Hiroki has come to battle your DigiGen GI-Force BakuSushiMon, but your HamsterMon is weak from battling the KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X!”.

Kimura could not have been more right. Only last week while I had been waiting in a very long line for rice (Because it is shorter than the Tim Horton’s line by a significant margin.), I was forced to battle my tired HamsterMon.  The KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X was in line ahead of me, and changed his order several times.

The camera (I already mentioned the camera, but there is a camera in the student centre that follows me) snap-zoomed in on my face, and I held an angry stare with Hiroko.

I turned to face Hiroko. “Not so fast, Hiroko, I have been training my trading card/ arm holstered/ real life creature/ video game thing HamsterMon, and I  have already played the MechaTornadonite Cretttt Nort, and I am ready for this battle!”

Suddenly, the card-stock illustrated character creatures on our cards magnified to 50 times their original size. My once cute HamsterMon sprouted green spikes and razor sharp teeth on his Digigyoza Anus.

Hiroko’s TurtleJesusNondaiMon Red Series drooled acid onto the floor, melting a 19 year old girl.

“You cannot defeat me now!” Said Hiroko. “Your HamsterMon is too weak! And with the DrakkBattle Cubes activated, you have lost all your reversal MonCheeto Ran Ran Reduxite points!”

“But you have forgotten one thing!” I said, pausing for dramatic effect while our giant drooling monsters didn’t actually fight, but instead waited around while we discussed a card game/ plastic ball battle that was somehow simultaneously literal and metaphorical. “I have activated the Gotogoto Tenfive Z lore cards! And because I have Jandu’s Ring of Lunghat, Your DrakkBattle Cubes are in reversal Clamato mode!”

Suddenly, our two montsters leapt into the air, and yet with very little movement, attacked each other! They made several quickly edited but limited motions, and as they collided and struck each other flashes of light obscured the action.

Finally, without any sense being made, HamsterMon shrunk back into a regular hamster, and nuzzled into my neck. Meanwhile, Hiroko’s hideous TurtleJesusNondaiMon Red Series turned back into a collectible playing card, instead of a small living creature.

Then I bled profusely from my eyes due to massive brain trauma. That was pretty much my Thursday.