So last night I went and saw X-men First Class, which, may I just take a moment to say, was Awesomesauce.

AWESOMESAUCE – adj. 1.) The state of being so awesome you make your own gravy. 2) The preferred topping on an awesomesundae.

A big reason First Class works is Michael Fassbender, who despite having an accent that wandered more than the Littlest Hobo, was fantastic, believable and yes even sympathetic as Magneto. It was a fall from grace super villain origin that worked on just about every level, and it made me think of a very similar fall from grace in a prequel that really didn’t. I refer of course to “Bring It On 4: The Bringitonenning”. But it also reminded me of Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side in the Star Wars prequels. Here we have two classic mega villains who are universally loved and embraced by the geek community, who hit a LOT of the same touchstones on their way to villainhood, but one worked and one makes us cringe and whine and bitch on the internet. Why is that? Well, I’ll tell you…

BE WARNED: I’ll be talking about plot details in First Class quite a lot, so if you haven’t seen First Class yet, a) Go already, what the hell is wrong with you? and b) there will be spoilers here.

1) Mommy Dearest.

In both cases, the young budding villains lose their respective mothers, which causes them to lose their shit. Anakin cuts down an entire colony of Sandpeople, Erik crushes Nazi helmets with Nazi skulls still in them, and mentally rearranges a torture room to more accurately reflect his state of mind.

The difference is in context. Anakin has a vague feeling that something is wrong. He goes back to Tatooine, finds his already dying mother and takes out a bunch of sandpeople we never knew or cared about. Why do sandpeople capture and torture humans? How can that possibly help them survive in the harsh desert of Tatooine? There is no motive, they pop in to serve the story, and leave it just as quickly. We don’t care that he killed them all anymore than we care about the stormtroopers that die. It has no emotional weight. We shrug it off the same way Padme does.

Erik was THERE. He saw it happen. It was cold, calculated and cruel, and his rage is justifiable. Already there are stakes, and it serves not only to get a greater understanding of where Magneto is coming from…but what makes Shaw tick as well. Even though he is just a young boy, we can already see hints of what he will eventually become. Anakin?

Not so much.

And when Erik crushes a room with his mind, we feel the anguish, and the devastation. He just lost his whole world in an instant because he couldn’t move a coin. Do we get that when Vader decides to crush a room with his mind? Let’s ask the man himself.

Hey Darth, does this scene have any emotional depth at all?

Is it any way believable?

Is there any way a Star Wars fan won’t be horribly embarrassed by this scene?

Is George Lucas going to give me my money back?

I didn’t think so.

2. The Mentor Tormentor

Curse you George Lucas....Curse YOU!!!

In both instances, our heroes have good in them (That others can sense, conveniently enough, Thanks Charles and Luke) but are ultimately corrupted by an Evil Mentor. As Erik so aptly put it “I’m Frankenstein’s Monster… and I’m looking for my creator.” First Class starts this corruption from Erik’s childhood, with Shaw teaching him the hard way that rage and pain and anger will make him powerful. The Emperor essentially teaches Vader the same thing but in a more offhand way. He mentions the death of his mother, but he didn’t actually kill her. He implies that he MIGHT be able to save Padme (From what? a bad dream that Anakin is having?) Apparently that is enough. Up to this point, Anakin is essentially good. He’s petulant…a little arrogant…but nothing to suggest he’s ready to full on embrace evil. Then, he makes a snap decision. Mace Windu dies, and Anakin, this good person, is suddenly ready to murder a bunch of children, no questions asked.

Okay, I'll join the darkside, but only if I get to where cool contact lenses

Erik is corrupted by hate from the very beginning. It’s what sustains him. Even when working with Charles it consumes him. He knows deep inside that the man who he hates so much has made him into what he is today, and by the end, he accepts that, and becomes Magneto. He isn’t even at odds with Shaw philosophically…and he takes up his mantle (and his helmet)…but he is the master now, and it won’t do to have the man who killed his mother alive. The tragedy here is the friendship that he sacrifices (His ONLY close friend, really) for his cause… to ensure freedom and prosperity for his kind. The very best villains are the ones with understandable motivations, ones who THINK they are doing the right thing… and in Magneto’s place I’m not sure I wouldn’t do the same.

3)Casting.

this is a cardboard cut out. Or is it?

Let’s be fair and say that George Lucas dialog is a tough thing to do believably…it takes a special kind of talent to get a mouthful of cheese out without looking like a complete ass. But that said…you could have kept looking, George. You settled…and in settling helped permanently damage one of the great iconic movie villains of our time. Hayden Christianson’s eyes look dead bored, he mumbles and whines, and he does little to make us feel anything.

Fassbender on the other hand, maintains his Connery cool while still letting us see why he is the way he is. The scene where Charles taps into his memories to find a happy one, to give him the serenity he needs to control his power is simple and beautiful. The camera stays on Fassbenders face, a memory of lighting candles with his mother imposed over it and a single tear rolls down. Then Charles, having shared the memory, wipes one away himself. It’s beautifully acted, simple and moving.

Anakin has a temper tantrum about how Obi Wan is holding him back.

Ugh.

4) Fulfilling Destiny

Although ideally we should feel for the fallen hero…some part of us is excited that he has become the villain we all love to hate. One of the first acts our new villain does is bust a telepath out of jail to replace the one he had. It’s smart, dramatic and there is no question that Erik is gone and Magneto is here to stay. And he rocks the helmet.

To paraphrase Patton Oswalt…“Yeah at the end, Darth Vader’s just kinda looking at the Death Star and he’s all sad.” Is that any way to give birth to the greatest screen villain of our time?

So there you have it. They both lost their moms, crush rooms with their minds, turn their back on their friends and wear goofy helmets… but that is definitely where the similarities end.

So do yourself a favour go see X-men First Class, which is, I think the best X-men movie yet. Or at the very least…read this again.

Stay tuned next week for the Beast versus Ewok Smackdown.

A strange thing happened recently: The announcement for the Blu-Ray version of the Star Wars films left me completely bored. It’s a curious reaction, consider that since I saw the original movie in the theatre at the ripe old age of 6, I’ve been a huge fan. I remember going with my mom to Sears to buy action figures, some of which I still have (sans lightsabers and capes).

I showed up in the theatre for the re-release of the Special Editions, and was insanely happy about news and previews of Phantom Menace. I saw all three of the “new” movies in the theatre as well. I can argue with the best of them over plot points and logic, and even tried to read some of the expanded universe books. (Sorry, couldn’t do it. I have standards when it comes to novels). Hell, our website even has a special category for Star Wars.

I’ve even played through the entirety of the Lego Star Wars game with my son, and showed him the movies. He’s okay with them, but shows no signs of becoming obsessed, though he does love Lego minifigs with lightsabers.

But, it occurs to now that when one of the films comes on TV, i’ll watch a bit, and then move on. No compulsion to watch the whole thing. I haven’t popped one of the films in the DVD player in a long time. I actually decided to watch Fellowship rather than Star Wars a few weeks back.

So, I’m thinking I might be done with Star Wars for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I love the characters, and will continue to mine them for comedy here and beyond, but I don’t think I need to watch the movies anymore, nor defend their greatness.Not interested in ranking the movies in order of importance, don’t really care if you think Lucas is a genius or a hack. Will I argue minutia with you? Maybe. I really like arguing, and being right even more. I’m also not getting rid of my ceramic Darth Vader with the glowing eyes and lightsaber.

In light of this, I’m trying to determine what about the movies I should like. From a critical perspective, all of the movies have giant gaping script problems, including the original trilogy. Defending the acting is a lost cause, and the special effects are very dated, and even an update to those won’t really change much. Are they a fun adventure with popcorn? Certainly, but I didn’t get obsessed with a lot of films like that.

I think when I boil it down, I like the concepts of the characters far more than the execution of them, and the possibilities of the universe, as opposed to the presentation within the films. What I’m interested in is the evolution of the obsession, and the end thereof. The goal here isn’t to claim that this somehow makes me superior, i’m just being honest about my geekitude.

So, while I’m unlikely to be watching the movies again soon, and won’t be buying them yet again on blu-ray, I’ll still been keenly interested in the legions of fanboys, and whether, like me, they begin to wane in their interest in Star Wars.

Thoughts? Complaints? Sympathy?

Thanks to my near toxic levels of geekiness I’ve won a fair amount of Star Wars shit over the years. When Return of the Jedi was coming out, I won passes to see the sneak preview one day before it opened. It was at the Palace Theatre, an old Vaudeville house with popcorn grease permanently embedded in the walls, a beautiful balcony, a huge screen and big old echoing Dolby speakers. It has since turned into a Calgary Flames themed nightclub where the very douchebags I was trying to escape from flock to in droves. The equivalent , I suppose, of invaders looting your place of worship and ransacking it before turning it into their place of worship (See, the Crusades, The Moors in Spain, The Ottoman Turks etc.)

But I digress.

When the Original Trilogy was re-released there was a Star Wars themed store called Star Wares that had an nigh impossible trivia contest. My buddy Tom and I won, and split the prize, a complete set of Star Wars “Power of the Force” Action figures. I have since bought him out and have the whole set. I have kept them in their packages, but the price guides tell me they are worth pretty much nothing. That’s okay If I end up having a son in December, he’s going to have one hell of a 7th Birthday gift.

Which leads me to the story of how I won passes to Episode Three before it opened. The herald had a contest for passes, you had to demonstrate how big a Star Wars fan you were . I sent them the following, which had been my voicemail for some months proceeding the contest. (Working in a sound studio has some advantages) I recently had this dug up out of the archives here at work, so I thought I’d pass it on to you.

Enjoy.

Tony's Voice Message [ 0:01 ] Play Now | Play in Popup

P.S. More Trivia in the line up, won more prizes, including Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, which no one will play with me because they are cowards.

It is May 25th, the 33rd anniversary of the release of Star Wars, and in celebration of this momentous occasion…we are posting links to stuff we’ve already written.

Here is the link to 25 things Right with the Star Wars Universe…

and here is the link to 25 things WRONG with the Star Wars Universe

and here are our humble suggestions on what might have made a better Episode One

Bullseye this Womprat with your T-16

In further celebration of today…if your boss asks you to do something today…tell him\her in your whiniest voice that you were going to Toshee station to pick up some power converters.

In our quest to continually add new things to the site, we’ve begun polling the masses (snicker.) Last week’s poll was no great surprise to anyone, and came out about how you’d figure. Behold, The Best Star Wars Movie!

 Loading ...

Join us for this week’s poll, over there on the right. Don’t worry, we don’t use this to track you or get your email address or hit on your sister, it’s just for fun!

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

With this article, we embark on a bold new task: Correct that which needs Correcting. To that end, we focus today on the most reviled of the Star Wars films: Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
This task is not an easy one, for there is much that needs fixing.

4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.

TBinns

How to fix Episode one.

A subject I have devoted WAAAAAYYYY too much thought to.

Well, my goodness, where to begin? I think I’ll have to do this with bullet points, There’s much work to be done, and I cannot waste time on flowery prose.

In no particular order…

1. Assume the Audience can Read: Ben Burtt is great at creating alien languages, so why have those TERRIBLE ACCENTS on the trade Federation guys? Greedo had subtitles, Jabba had subtitles, nobody complained. Or, what the hell, they have a protocol droid hanging around…have HIM translate if you think the kids in the audience will miss out on something. At the absolute worst, take a few seconds and show them use a translation device…ANYTHING to get rid of “Awwwhatis.. Goingon downdere?”

2. Conflict : If the Ultimate plan is invasion anyway… don’t piss around with Trade blockades. Why not start with a small party of Jedi sent to put an end to an ALREADY EXISTING WAR (the name of the series is not Star Blockades, people) and are ambushed and marooned. Or perhaps a whole battalion of Jedi move in for a UN Peacekeeping type mission and are betrayed and ambushed, leaving only Qui Gon and Obi Wan alive. Then, they have taken a severe loss, and Palpatine’s ultimate goal REALLY gets going. Gets to the point quicker without all the yakkidy yak yak

3. Jar Jar: I believe he can be fixed believe it or not. Take away the voice, and the slapstick element. Maybe make him a criminal, banished for thievery or some such thing. A thief, a pickpocket a scoundrel n’er do well, who..and I cannot stress this enough…does not speak english. At all. You can still save him from the invasion, he can still get them into Gunga city, perhaps even through underhanded means. He can still be humorously cowardly, just in a slightly more subtle way. But that said he should know how to a) steal shit, b) fly and or pilot vehicles and c) find new and creative ways to get himself out of the shit. There’s still plenty of opportunity for him to cause the trouble he does, without the subsequent eye rolling “Oopsie mooie mooie” crap.

4. Amidala: The idea of an elected queen is just retarded. The whole switcharoo with her bodyguard? Equally retarded. Get rid of the title, you only put it in there to make the whole Princess Leia thing make sense anyway. There’s nothing wrong with making her a tough, no nonsense senator from a noble house. Drop the whole queen angle, the Kabuki outfits, the weird voice, the weird accent. I believe Leia’s mother would be a plain dealer with a soft heart, and a weakness for dashing rogues. Mostly because her daughter is much the same.. Natalie Portman CAN act. Give her someone she can sink her teeth into.

5. Anakin: Picture this…after getting through the Trade Federations vast blockade of ships, our heroes are tracked to Tattooine. The Federation Battle Cruiser pops out of hyperspace mere minutes after they do. Swarms of droid ships come out to finish them off, their doom is nigh. Or so it would seem, until an unmarked ship swoops in and starts taking out droids left and right. The pilot? 18 year old Anakin Skywalker (“When I met your father, he was already a great pilot”) who was trying to escape his bonds of slavery, but could not stand idly by while someone is in trouble. After a thrilling battle scene, our heroes escape, but the authorities lock a tractor beam on Anakin and he is recaptured. Wishing to not only get the part he needs, but to somehow repay Anakin for his help, our heroes head down to the planet to track down his owner who has, as a last resort, installed the anti escape implantations in Anakin and his mother.

This helps in a number of ways. It parallels Luke’s development by picking up the story at approximately the same age, it makes the romance angle more believable, the pod race more believable, and it really does make him too old to begin the training. Plus, when he takes out the trade federation ship at the end, it’s more than just a blindly heroic accident.

6. The droids: A cameo would have sufficed. A cameo somewhere far away from Tatooine. Darth Vader creating (and defacto owning in Artoo’s case) the droids he was looking for in a New Hope is just too much of a coincidence for me. Although , I enjoyed watching them meet for the first time. Ditto Anakin and Obi Wan

7. Midichlorians: No No no no no. Wanna show how strong he is with the Force? I’m prepared to take a simple “The Force is incredibly strong with our young friend here” and a reply from Obi Wan“I have felt it too Master, but I also felt…something else.” There. Done. It’s that simple. Wanna show it in action? Maybe when he’s fixing something he absent mindedly reaches for a tool that flies into his grasp. Maybe in a barfight scene he instinctively force pushes someone. Ability to tap into the force may well be genetic, but it shouldn’t be due to parasites. You can’t cure the force with Penicillin, people.

8. Pod Race. Keep the Race, lose the announcer.

9. Darth Maul. More Please. And he lives at the end. He shouldn’t die until episode three where Anakin kills him and takes his place.

10. Make battle droids look a little meaner. Even if Stormtroopers couldn’t hit shit, at least they LOOKED bad ass.

11. Give Obi Wan More to do. I actually wouldn’t have minded a bit of sexual tension between him and Padme actually. Nothing serious, but enough to plant a few sees of hostility in Anakin… and speaking of Anakin….lets revisit him again, since he is so crucial to the whole affair….

12. The Missing Solo: The Rogue factor was definitely missing here. If Anakin had a bit more swash to his buckle, if he wasn’t so serious all the time, if he had even an ounce of charm, we could believe that Padme would fall for him. We could also believe that his rash, impulsive nature is part of what lead to his downfall, as well as his passion for Padme, and most of all we would actually dread seeing him fall. Remember when Han Solo got frozen in the carbonite? Remember how you felt about it? We should feel that times 10 when that helmet gets locked into place the first time. Instead, we are practically BEGGING for it to happen. If it’s supposed to be a tragic story, make me care about the tragic victims.

13. Make the universe look a little more lived in: That was part of the appeal of the original design. Save the slickness for Star Trek, this is a rough and tumble , usable Universe.

14. Yoda. Just use the old Puppet…for the LOVE OF GOD

15. A room full of script doctors. Get them in there to polish the dialogue, hire real comedians to write the comedy bits. Have them sit through a reading, and every time there’s a wince, there’s a rewrite. George needed to separate himself from the scripting process enough to be open to other viewpoints. Clearly he was incapable of doing that..

I’m sure there’s more but these are the ones that pop to mind right away. I suppose if you had to sum it up, it would be “Make it more like Star Wars” which is a typical old fart response. I don’t need all the same things, unless by that you mean Characters I care about, great action, a decent plot and fun dialogue.

admin_rock

The biggest problems in The Phantom Menace for me are

1) The Trade Federation nonsense/Political scheming
2) Too much focus on Amidala and Naboo.

The movie is supposed to be the first chapter in a giant epic story of “The Rise and Fall of Anakin Skywalker”. At least, that what George Lucas keeps telling us. That’s fine, we can dig that. We clearly can’t set the prequels too close to IV-VI, that creates casting issues (speaking of which, it’s high time we did a Princess Leia Casting Couch).

A lot of detractors put the hate on Jake Lloyd, but as a child, he does a fine job of playing a child. It’s more the dialogue that makes him come off as grating.

So, Episode I – Rise of the Sith

We keep young Anakin Skywalker, and we add the twist that his father was actually Darth Sidious/Palpatine, who creates Anakin using the power of the Dark Side, and Shmi as the vessel. This gives us another Father/Son situation to counterpoint the “I am your Father” and final resolution in Jedi. Likely, we as the audience know this, but none of the characters do. Palpatine’s keen interest in Anakin comes deeper. Anakin still grows up on Tatooine, though Palpatine keeps tabs on him from a distance.

The leader of the Senate is one Count Dooku, who, with the help of the mysterious Darth Sidious, is strengthening his power base, and building an Army of clones on a distant planet. He has the backing of the Trade Federation, without whom there is no way to transport supplies from planet to planet en masse.

We meet Senator Bail Organa, who is concerned with the government’s power becoming more and more centralized. He goes to visit the Jedi Council, to share his concerns with them. They are also concerned, but unwilling to get involved. Qui Gon Jinn and his assistant Obi Wan Kenobi meet with Organa in secret, and promise to investigate.

Qui Gon heads off to investigate Dooku, while Obi Wan is sent to Tatooine, where Dooku seems to be spending a lot of time. Qui Gon discovers the existence of the Clone factory on Kamino, and Obi Wan discovers Anakin Skywalker, a boy who is so strong in the force that Obi Wan is drawn to him, almost like a magnet. Dooku discovers the the Jedi are sniffing around, and tells his men to take the boy. They do so, and Obi wan saves him, in a brilliant high speed skiff/ podracer chase.

Qui Gon contacts the Jedi council to warn them of the clone army. They attempt to spring into action, but Dooku tells them to stand down. They refuse, telling him they will tell everyone what he is doing. He responds by having the clones attack the planet of Naboo, obliterating all the major cities, and wiping out a race of unfortunate water dwelling Gungans. Dooku convinces the senate that the attack was made by a new Rebellion, led by the Jedi, set on seizing the government. The Jedi are hunted, and they flee to Dagobah, making contact with Bail Organa, who has the support of a small number of worlds, and they form the rebellion.

Obi Wan and Anakin meet up with the Jedi, and they are all stunned by the power the boy possesses. They are concerned about training him, as he is a living weapon, and could be very dangerous in the wrong hands. Senator Palpatine reaches out to the Jedi, telling him he is siding with them, and will act as an informant for them. Anakin meets a young Padme, who is with her mother, among the Rebellion refugees of Naboo.

The movie concludes with a Jedi attack on Kamino, with an attempt to take out the clone factory. Qui Gonn heads to the control room to download the database info, hoping to learn more about the army and its leaders. He is confronted by a young Sith Knight, Darth Maul. There is a massive struggle, ending with Qui Gonn being struck down by Maul, right as Obi Wan arrives. Obi Wan and 2 other Jedi are able to fight off Maul, who escapes after destroying the database.

The Jedi hold a funeral for Qui Gon back on Dagobah. They discuss this new turn of events, that the Sith have reformed, and that they must be stopped.

ROBBIEROBTOWN

Lies weeping in the corner, reminded of the awfulness that was TPM. Perhaps he will regroup and weigh in. Who can say?

So there you have it. The Corrected version of The Phantom Menace. Agree? Disagree? Want to call us names? Suggest other fixes? Sell pills online? Do so below!

Today, The Correctness takes a closer look at Luke Skywalker, whom many have lauded as a hero, both for his role in ending the grip of the Galactic Empire, as well as playing an important role in the Prophesy of Restoring Balance to the Force. However, there is another side to this mysterious youngster, one which we’d like to shed some light upon.

The first note of concern about the stability of Luke’s mental state comes from his reactions to the events that unfold in his personal life. There are a number of warning flags raised throughout his life. Luke is a restless young man when we first meet him as an adult. He’s eager for adventure, and for a life beyond Tatooine. Soon after acquiring a couple of robots, being attacked by Sandpeople, and meeting a strange hermit from the hills, Luke returns to his home to discover his aunt and uncle, who have raised him since birth, have been horrifically killed. This, in combination with the knowledge that his father was more than what he originally thought sparks the beginning of the change in his persona.

The next critical event occurs when Ben Kenobi is “slain” by Darth Vader. Luke seems overly distraught and traumatized by this event, though he had known Kenobi for a few days. In fact, he seems more shaken by this than his earlier loss. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, and call it the release of his repressed anguish from the Tatooine events.

His immediate reaction to this is to fly back to the Death Star, and destroy it. According to people way nerdier than we could ever hope to be, the population of Death Star I was 31,622,963. So Luke’s torpedo essentially killed the population of California, a place filled with clones, reconstructed people, and British Officers (?).

A more reasonable response would have perhaps been to get the information about the Death Star to places where the people could see what their government was up to, and create an uprising, but hey, that’s a lot of work.

We skip forward to the days where Luke spends a lot of time in isolation, wandering the frozen wastes. When the base on Hoth is attacked, he flees, heading for the swamps of Dagobah. There, he does a half-assed job of learning some Jedi stuff, and runs away from that, against the advice of his 900 year old Master.

He then does relatively little to actually help his friends, and meets sees father for the second time. This would be the first time they meet face to mask. Vader cuts Luke’s hand off (a family tradition!) and tells him that he is Luke’s father. Luke’s already fragile mind snaps, and he attempts suicide rather than let his father help him to safety. Luckily, he survives.

After a somewhat successful rescue of Han Solo, marred by the great Jedi Knight being tricked by a Hutt, Luke returns to Dagobah to finish his training. But, oh no, Yoda is dying. If only Luke had listened in the first place, he might have actually been trained properly. But Luke isn’t about finishing things, mostly he likes starting, and then taking off.

Another Death Star is discovered (and the originality of that idea is a whole separate article) and the Rebels race off to destroy it. Luke is feeling all Jedilike, and surrenders to Vader (meeting # 2). He’s all ” You’re my father, and there is good in you”. Maybe this is his mind dealing with fact that he’s discovered the only girl he’s lusted after in his adult life is his sister. At any rate, after a prolonged encounter, in which the last vestiges of Luke’s mind are bashed around by family loyalty vs power etc etc, Luke’s goodyness allows Vader to throw the Emperor down a shaft (don’t get me started). Vader is dying, and Luke helps him and drags him back to a shuttle to escape the Death Star II.

At this point, Vader was probably thinking,”Why is my son helping me like i’m an old man, instead of Force Floating me to the shuttle?” Why? Because Luke missed that day in class, because he’s an idiot.

Luke doesn’t react much to Vader’s death, as they’ve only met the two times, and has tried to kill him pretty much every time they’re within 10 kilometres of each other.

Luke’s Reaction to the death of important people in his life:
Aunt and Uncle: Scream and look off into distance
Ben Kenobi: Scream and go into shock
Yoda: Look sad
Vader: Look sad

The net effect of all of this is that the Galaxy is “saved” from people who actually have a solid grasp of the Force, and turned over to a group of people for whom planning consists of “what, a threat? ATTACK!”. Also, the only 2 people we know of in the galaxy that are Force Sensitive are

1)The guy who missed most of the training, grew up without real parents, tried to nail his sister, and was stalked by his father, killed 31 million people, and can’t control his emotions enough to use his powers.

2) His sister.

At this point, R2D2 and Chewbacca, the only living members of the original Rebel Alliance and resident super spies, are shaking their respective heads and wondering if this was all worth it.

While there is no clear conclusion, it seems pretty clear that the galaxy might have been better off under the somewhat more stable Palpatine. Who knows what kind of havoc could be unleashed at the first sign of any distress on Luke’s behalf.

(ED: The Correctness obtained copies of these interviews, found in a box addressed to “The Correctness: A Long Time from Now, In a Galaxy Far,Far, Away”.)

Kitster Banai: “Yeah, I knew him. Only we called him Ani. I didn’t like hanging out with him that much, because he smelled like wet carpet and vomit a lot of the time. He was a slave kid, always looking for food and handouts. He used to come over to my place, and my mom wouldn’t let him inside. She was worried he had lice and stuff.

He was ok. He was a pretty smart kid, knew a lot about fixing stuff. He was always building thing, like this robot he had. I never understood how he was so dirt poor, but he had like thousands of credits worth of talking robot around.

He left here when he was like 8 or so, after he won the big podrace. He went to become a Jedi or monk or something. ( Interviewer explains what became of Anakin). What? He became Darth Vader? Daaaaamn! Maybe I should have opened some of those letters he sent. Seriously, I should call him up, I could use a nice cushy government job. Wow, shoulda seen that coming. They said he wiped out a bunch of Sandpeople, but those guys are useless anyway. I have one of them doing my yardwork. Lazy as hell.”

Wald/Greedo
“You wanna know about Skywalker, huh? Let me tell you about Skywalker! He was a little jerk! He was always harping on me about my weight, about how much I ate. Well, Mr. Slave kid who hasn’t seen the inside of a sonic shower in his life, I’m Rodian. We eat. That’s how it works. But he’s all “you’re getting fat”, and “you eat everything in sight”. Starts calling me “Greedo”. And of course, it sticks. I should have taken him out when I was 7. Of course, he did set me up with some cushy bounty hunting contracts, so I guess he’s okay by me. Anyways, I gotta go, I just saw a certain pilot I have to go talk to. ”

Ki-ita Shrym
“Yeah, I knew him. He always came into my shop, looking at stuff he couldn’t afford. Always babbling about how he was going to be a pilot, and save his mom, crap like that. So, just before he left, he comes wandering in, with this big grin on his face, and he’s all “I’m getting off this planet”, and “too bad for the rest of you, better stock up on sunscreen”. Then he said something about building a giant laser and blowing the crap out of Tatooine. There were some Stormtroopers in town looking for some robots. I think his kid might have them. What, you didn’t know he had a son? Sure, he lives up with Owen Lars. It’s pretty obvious really. There’s only like 6 Skywalkers on the whole planet, and the rest of them are black. Ben Kenobi moved not too far from his place. You know, as in Obi Wan Kenobi? Jedi might be masters of the Force, but they suck at fake identities. Anyways, I’m getting out of here, had enough of this place. Think I might have a job lined up with my cousin on Bespin. Quiet there, no government hassles.”

The Correctness is proud to present the Comedy Stylings of TK421. Yes, we know, only one guy seems to be laughing, but some people just don’t get the subtlety of a good Bantha joke.

(Pssst. that is, in fact 1/3 of the Correctness under the helmet)