Admin-Rock here. As one of my hobbies is endlessly fiddling with plastic bricks, I tend to spend a lot of time sitting and building. As a result, I watch a LOT of TV and film. I mean a LOT. Seriously, hours and hours of it. Have a guess in your head as to how much… I’ll wait…. NO, WAY MORE then that.

It gets to the point where sometimes I’ll watch things that even remotely catch my fancy. I decided to watch the recent Karate Kid remake with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith. And though this ground has been well covered, I feel compelled to speak out, to warn others before it’s too late for them.

The original Karate Kid came out in 1984, when Admin_Rock was a happy little grade 9 student. It was directed by John G. Alivdsen, and starred… wait, I don’t even have to tell you, because you’ve seen this movie at least a dozen times. Why? Because it was great. It was well paced, interesting, and contained great training sequences and some wonderful cinematography. (Proof: I say, “the crane”, you’re already picturing Daniel standing on a post on the beach, or in a tournament ring. Or maybe standing on the front of a boat at sunset. It’s great stuff, engrained in the memory.)

The remake, released in 2010 was directed by Harald Zwart, famous for such masterpieces as ‘Agent Cody Banks’ and ‘Pink Panther 2′. It’s umm…. it has…. Oh, there was one really nice shot with a woman balancing on a ledge while moving in time with a cobra.

Listen, there’s a thousand things to hate about this remake, but the vast majority of the issues lie with the fact that they took a very well known script, altered it slightly, usually to its detriment, and wrapped it all up with really young kids.

Jaden Smith is fine in the role. He works hard, and apart from 1) noting how much he reminds you of his dad, and 2) being creeped out by bodybuilding shots of a 12yr old, I have no issues with him.

Jackie Chan is one of my favorite action stars. He does things that are boggling to the mind, and makes it look effortless. He’s okay in this movie. Not awesome, just ok.

The “fish out of water”-ness is moved to China, which I’m not sure helps the plot at all. On one hand, we have our main character “Dre” who has no friends or support at all, which is good. On the other hand, most viewers will also be new to all this, which makes it trickier to explain everything and have comfortable with the setup. It also takes away the mystique of the ‘Miyagi’ character (here Mr Han). We have no problem believing Jackie Chan is a badass Kung Fu guy. When Pat Morita took down the Cobra Kai skeletons that dark night, it was much more of a surprise.

The age of the characters is a BIG problem. While we were able to get involved with Daniel and his high school problems (dating, being an outsider, etc), these characters are too young for us to have any spark with a romance, and the ‘evil kid’ (while excellent at looking evil) seems a bit farcical. Though it is fun to watch Jackie Chan do Jackie Chan type fighting using 12 year olds to club other 12 year olds.

The Cobra-Kais are all 12, and thus, the fact that they follow their cold, dark leader is not as interesting either. The scene in the dojo is flat and lifeless, and seems to be there simply because the original guys did it first. At the end, there is a change of heart, based on exactly nothing other than that it has to happen. (It doesn’t really, the film ends moments after the tournament, it’s not needed.)

The plot beats are exactly the same as the original, except that none of them have any emotional weight. We know that Mr. Han’s family died, yadda yadda, it’s his fault, etc. But we just shrug our shoulders and move on. Because this version doesn’t really give a crap about that character, except as a foil for Dre. Jackie does the best he can, but he doesn’t have much to work with. We just don’t have any reason to care about these characters. We don’t have the deep bonding that Daniel and Miyagi had. This is a strictly business relationship.

Again, I’m not a script writer, but I’ve seen enough to know how to structure a story, and what works.In a lot of ways, this movie can be held up as a prime example of what happens when Hollywood tries to remake a popular movie without bothering to understand why it was popular. Neither Ralph Macchio nor Pat Morita were big stars, nor were they the kids of big stars (oh, and reallllly looks like Daddy bought a film for his kid here folks). Hell, there isn’t even any Karate in the movie. They practice Kung Fu. Why not call it “The Kung Fu Kid”? We all know why. Because they’d lose the name recognition that Karate Kid has. So it’s a pretty cynical move going in, and rarely raises above that.

I’m thinking of showing both versions to my 7 yr old to see what he thinks. I suspect he’ll like the 2010 better, as the hero is closer to his age. But I secretly hope he’s caught some film critic genes from his dad and will opt for Daniel and Miyagi.

Last week, The Correctness decided to address a recurring complaint: “You guys never write stuff for women”. This is clearly false, as RobbieRobTown’s regular missives to specific women, and at least one issue of the Casting Couch will demonstrate. However, to be good and fair minded, we decided to address the situation. We looked to some of the biggest movie events aimed at women of the last few years, “Eat Pray Love” and “Sex and the City 2″, and decided to write a review. Tbinns was waylaid by some Indian food thing (the cooking of, not distress caused by), so it was left to RRT and I to man up and get feminine. (I’m already envisioning the remark spcMike just made.)

I previewed the first 3 minutes of “Sex and the City 2″, and found myself utterly unprepared. RobbieRobTown was in favour of “Eat Pray Love”. I warned him that it would likely contain at least 3 incidences of the Julia Roberts “bellowing laugh”, and that sometimes she’s capable of opening her mouth so wide, you feel compelled to move toward the screen in an attempt to walk into it, but he would not be swayed. And so it was that we sat down, notepads in hand, and began a journey that would last 32 hours. Or at least it seemed that long.

Admin_Rock

First up, there are no spoiler warnings here. “Eat, Pray, Love” pretty much gives it all up in the title. It’s like if the movie Se7en had been called “Gwenyth Paltrow’s Head is in the Box”.

For a movie that is over 2 hours long, the director decides to spend all of two and half minutes letting us know that Julia is not married, but not happy. She tells us she is “in serious trouble!”, that “the only thing more impossible than leaving was staying” and that “there can be only one!”.

She can’t take her normal life with Billy Crudup one minute longer. He dares to tell her he’s thinking about going back to school, and that is the last straw. How dare he change his mind about something and want to try something new, or not know what he wants!!! (oh wait…)

She leaves Billy (probably the only character in the film I liked), and shacks up with James Franco, an actor in a play she wrote. The film shows us a performance in which a couple gets up and leave. I wanted to do the same, but I’m tougher than that. I stuck it out. Things got a little tough, but I figured it out, and didn’t quit.

Julia moves in with James Franco, who is all crazy about the yoga and gurus. She spends time languishing there as well, looking through her box of travel brochures. In fact, Julia spends a lot of time checking out her box in this film.

So, she heads to Italy, and it’s all scooters, spaghetti, jeans, scooters, spaghetti, wine. Seriously, if you have like a weird food fetish thing where watching people eat spaghetti turns you on, this is freaking Nirvana for you. Eventually there is a Thanksgiving scene, and then she heads to India.

We cut to a cab weaving through traffic (hee, I accidentally wrote ‘a cub weaving through traffic’, which would have been an awesome visual) , and I am almost certain that Jason Bourne will pop up any second…. still waiting. She ends up at an Ashram, where she prays a lot, mops floors, and well… okay, seriously, I got boooooooooored by this part of the film, and skipped ahead a lot. Something about a dude from Texas who can’t forgive himself and a something about a rogue elephant. As neither of them really do much other than stand near Julia Roberts, who gives a crap.

So, with the Eating and the Praying done, it’s time for some Lovin! Off to Bali. Julia breaks all the rules, photocopies stuff she shouldn’t, and gets in a knife fight with Javier Bardem. Well, no. Javier Bardem cries a lot, and hugs his son. There’s a lot of uncertainty about whether Julia will return to New York, or take on the mantle of the ‘Last Samurai’. Okay, no, but fuck that would have been awesome. Instead, there’s more hand wringing about whether she should go back or stay with Javier. We get a flashback to Billy Crudup, who has met a woman and had a baby. We don’t get to see whether she too decides to flee from him.

Quick summary: WTF??? Italy looks nice, India looks crowded and hot, Bali looks tropical, Javier Bardem on a boat, this thing is done.

RobbieRobTown:

Watching this film gave me lice.

I don’t understand why it is that we, the audience, can relate to this lady. Her husband seems like a nice fellow, plus he is smart and handsome. Why is she leaving him? Is it because he becomes Doctor Manhattan later? Does he already have a blue penis? Has Billy Cruddup ever had a pleasant on-screen relationship? (Answer: I don’t care to know. I have lice to worry about now.)

Nobody in this film is listens to anyone else. Is this a type of sociopathy? Protip for screenwriters: If you are writing an adaptation from a novel, it is not wise to randomly select lines of dialogue from the book based on which ones contain the most inexplicable metaphors. A string of metaphors does not a conversation make.  Shaka, when the walls fell.

That was a fancy continuous shot moving from one conversation to the other, but if you walk past James Franco while you are talking about him, he can hear you. He is not deaf- Or maybe he is, which is perhaps why none of the characters respond to the others?  Nobody speaks in dialogue in this film- It’s a series of short monologues… Like the vagina monologues, only more vaginal. In fact, this whole film is like Georgia O’Keefe gave up on “flowers” and started trying to reveal the beauty of the asshole.

“You remember a couple of years ago when you threw yourself into the renovations of your kitchen? You were completely consumed.”  Fuck. Right. Off. That is so retarded on so many levels that I don’t know where to start. Was it the kitchen renovations that made Billy Cruddup develop a blue penis?

About 15 minutes into this film, I think I shat a puke. How is that possible? Do women worry that men will consider this film to be a case study in feminine behaviour? Don’t worry, women, we don’t. This film no more explains Womankind than Manswers explains the heart of masculinity.

Julia Roberts is an alcoholic. How is this a spiritual journey? Is her rapidly worsening eating disorder also a spiritual journey? Why does her food squirt a money shot in slow motion? Was there not enough penis in the film? Is it the sexualized food which causes her to become addicted to it? Is this an AXE body spray commercial? If Julia Roberts ate all the food she appears to be eating, she might gain some weight. Wouldn’t that be nice? 15 pounds of plump would be really helpful on her.

Julia Robert’s spends a lot of time in the film trying to figure out what the “words” for people and places are. “What is the word for Rome?” Answer: The word for Rome is BORED. The word for India is also bored. Now Julia Roberts is mopping the floor in India. Do not mop with your hands, Julia. Mop with your spirit. What is this? You received a promotion at the Ashram! Your got a volunteer position promotion. That is interesting, I guess, if you are a 17 year old mormon missionary. You are not. I wonder if you know how a “plot” works. No, no, bear with me, because I don’t think you do. What happens in a plot is that a series of interesting events take us on a narrative journey. The promotion at your volunteer job is not a plot point. It is normal and dull, and does not affect the audience at all. It is a kitchen renovation- The kind where you are not consumed unless you are an asshole, which, on further thinking, you are.

The word for Bali is: ”One act romantic comedy that should have taken place entirely here”. Sadly, Javier Bardem doesn’t make Julia Robert’s flip a coin for her life. I would have flipped a coin for my own life by the 2 hour point of this film. I still wake up screaming a week after watching this movie. The dialogue is as motivated as an episode of Family Guy, except without the attempt at humour. If I wanted to get raped, I would have gone traveling by myself.

 

 

 

 

 

Why Puny Humans no leave Hulk Reboot Alone?

As part of our continuing service to you, The Correct, we continually find things for you to be in favour of. In our crazy, fast paced, webmanic society, it’s easy to miss something. Our “A Case For” series presents something (a TV show, film, Book, Band etc) that might deserve a look.
Our first installment “A Case For: Farscape” was presented by one of our regular readers, and we encourage that sort of behavior. If you have something you’d like to make a case for, write it up and send it to us at admin@thecorrectness.com . See the end of the article for more info.
This week, we bring you A Case for “The Incredible Hulk” Louis Letterier’s 2008 reboot, brought to you by Tbinns

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In 2003 we got a Hulk movie by Ang Lee, an enormously gifted film maker. It was what I like to refer to as a bold and magnificent failure. It was less a comic book movie and more a two plus hour haiku about anger. I appreciated the fact that it was taken seriously. I appreciated the effort the cast put in. I appreciated the fact that it was trying to add psychological depth.I appreciated Jennifer Connelly. In fact let’s all take a moment to appreciate Jennifer Connolly…

Tbinnsing, y’all

But “Hulk” was ultimately a mess. Hulk Poodles? Nick Nolte is Bruce’s dad, who kinda becomes the absorbing man, and then they have a cloudy confrontation at the end? Ugggh. No wonder Marvel wanted a reboot.

And so… with a collective rolling of the public’s eyes, Marvel set out to do the Hulk right. Unfortunately the general public had already been bitten once, and were not too keen to give The Ever Lovin Hulk a second chance. They still had fresh memories of not enjoying the last one. Consequently, 2008’s “The Incredible Hulk” got short shrift and is generally regarded as Marvel Studios worst effort.

I have been a Hulk fan since childhood. Who didn’t fantasize about sending their playground tormentors running as you Hulked out and smashed the jungle gym to splinters? (No? Just me? Fair enough). And as a fan with anger issues I have to say I dug the HELL out of the Incredible Hulk. More than Iron Man 2. More than Thor even. I maintain that if THIS movie came out first, it would be held in much higher regard by the public. So in the midst of a superhero heavy summer, I urge you to give The Incredible Hulk a second look. And here is why…

1. Edward Norton

The problem with Bana, I think was that he looked like a hero to begin with. He was definitely a leading man type. I have always pictured Banner to be a weedy little scientist with a desperate and haunted look in the eye. A brilliant man who wants nothing more than to eliminate the possibility of hurting anyone, especially those he loves. Norton played this perfectly… a man on the run from himself and the military machine who wants to use him as a weapon. Norton captured the intensity, the loneliness, the inherent decency, and yes even the sense of humor perfectly. Bana was definitely good…but Norton was better

2. The Fight scenes

Let’s get the big complaint out of the way…Of course the CGI looks fake. It’s a giant green man. It is NEVER going to look photo realistic…it’s so outlandish the human eye rejects it almost immediately upon seeing it. If you can’t let that go you have no business going to see a Hulk movie in the first place. This was a meaner leaner Hulk that kicked some serious ass. Exhibit A) The fight sequence on the Campus. Hulk versus the Super Soldiered Blonsky. We got a real glimpse of what Cap vs. Hulk might look like on the big screen and it was awesome.

And the best part was the delightful little button right on the end…

“Oh it looks soo fake and rubbery!!!!” comes the cry from the internet.

Here’s an extra big slice of “Shut the Fuck up, it’s fun” for you, then.

And exhibit B) The big fight at the end…Hulk and Abomination, knocking the living shit out of each other as it should be. Not enveloped in a cloud that wants his anger and ultimately can’t handle it (again, what the fuck?) Just two gamma radiatiated gentlemen working out their differences , using police cars as boxing gloves, and destroying half a city while doing so. I’m not huge fan of the DESIGN on the Abomination…but clearly THAT was the villain the movie needed, and the fight it needed. Like I suggested in my “How to make a Superman Movie” article, our hero needs to face something bigger, stronger, and meaner, and defeat it using determination, guts and brains.

And the theatre audience I saw it with cheered like crazy when he said “Hulk Smash!”

3. It Fits Seamlessly into the Marvel Universe

I actually quite like the little Easter eggs linking the Marvel movies together and this one sowed plenty of seeds to make it fit into the bigger picture. We saw the origin of the Leader, Stark Military technology, Super Soldier serum in action and of course the now traditional post credit sequence. And if the film hadn’t been cut quite so frantically, we might have even seen a glimpse of Cap himself. Unlike some of the bits in Iron Man 2, most of this is worked in very cleverly and without a heavy hand. There’s even a couple of nods to the TV show for a few sharp eyed viewers

4. Liv Tyler in Tina Fey Glasses

Mmmmm. Betty-licous

5. General “Thunderbolt” Ross is a Douche…As He Should Be

The casting of Sam Elliot as General Thunderbolt Ross was kind of a stroke of genius, but ultimately there is always going to be something sympathetic and noble about a Sam Elliot character. And indeed, in this case, Ross was a man whose priorities were to keep his daughter, and the civilian population safe, even if that meant locking Banner away for life in a bunker. And while that does take the character out of the realm of cartoon bad guy…I’m not sure that is the right call. I prefer the idea of Hurt’s General Ross, a die hard military opportunist, looking to exploit the Hulk for his own nefarious purposes, willing to endanger his soldiers with unproven enhancement drugs , and his daughter by using her as bait. General Ross is a slimy bastard, and William Hurt made him suitably oily

As we come to the Avengers movie next year we will be on our third cinematic interpretation of the Hulk in less than 10 years. We have yet another Bruce Banner and probably yet another CGI Hulk design. Personally, I don’t think it is necessary. I think the 2008 reboot is a gem, with some awesome action sequences, some good acting, some great shots (The pan up the slums of Portugal is fantastic)and more importantly it was true to the character and FUN. Do you hear me Ang Lee? FUN!! And how many of our fellow internet shut ins bitch about wasting time on Superhero origin stories? This one didn’t waste any time on that…it was all taken care of neatly and effectively in the credits. And yet, people still bitch… I say to them that The Incredible Hulk is not the Abomination (Ha! Word play Liz Lemon!) that they think it is, and they need to give it a repeat viewing.
Now excuse me , I’m going to go put on my Hulk Hands and frighten the neighborhood children.

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If you have a show or film or book or band you’d like to make a case for, we’d love to hear from you. Read the rules below, and drop us a line.
The rules:
1) Give us 5 good reasons we should care, or watch, or listen etc. Make them compelling. Remember, you’re trying to sell this to us, and our readers.
2) Send pictures along with the article. Admin_rock doesn’t like to work harder than he has to, so be sure to send pics, or links to pics in the article.

Dearest Correctness Peeps:

There have been some mixed reviews for Sucker Punch, and I would like to do what we do best here and tell the negative reviewers why they are so very, very wrong. So very wrong. I saw Sucker Punch recently (in IMAX, where it was delightfully large, and verging on too loud…) and I can assure you that it rocked my socks so so hard my socks became molecularly unstable and evaporated out of my shoes. That’s some serious sock rock.  I don’t know much about Brownian motion, but in order for my socks to be rocked completely off some serious energy would have to have been harnessed, and then directed at my chucks. I’m going to try and do this without spoilers, and just encourage y’all to get out of your basements and go see this film on the big screen before it disappears. Is this one of those positive reviews that I get paid for? AHAHAHAHAH, no, I just sincerely think people are missing some really impressive details in this film. I really liked it.

Critics say: The dialogue is weird in places.

Critics are so very wrong because:  This film uses a fantasy within a fantasy to show versions of the events in the real-world playing out through the mind of our adorable protagonist.  Are you with me? Okay, it’s a meta thing within a meta thing within a question wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside a delicious tortilla. WHAT NOBODY SEEMS TO HAVE NOTICED is that the dialogue in some cases, especially from the ultra creepy  Blue Jones, can be extracted from the fantasy sequence and it still makes sense in the “real” world. When you are watching the film, keep your ears open for the parts of the dialogue that can serve both levels of reality.  I really like that by attending to which dialogue associates most closely to the “real” events, you can extrapolate what is going on outside of the layers of fantasy. Discussing more means spoilers, dudes.

Critics say: Pretty girls in visually stunning locations.

Critics are so very wrong because: No human likes to see films with half decayed fat people in dental office waiting rooms, unless it is a zombie movie, and Sucker Punch even has zombies for those naysayers- clockwork steam-driven nazi zombies!  Whycome  anyone is concerned about the film being visually stunning? It is! There was one shot (and it wasn’t an action sequence, watch for it in the opening 15 minutes) which was so beautiful I literally got chills.  The sets, the art direction, the costuming, the direction in general all made for an aesthetically stunning film. Why aren’t you in the theatre yet? Oh, and how can anyone complain about pretty girls who kick ass? I fell in love about 9 times in the theatre, and I am a genderless, asexual sack of cellular material that only vaguely approximates manliness.

Critics say: Heavyhanded metaphor.

Critics were gargling their own man-sacks because: Some of the metaphors aren’t as much metaphors as they are functioning symbols which relay the story as it occurs outside both layers of fantasy in the “real” world. I don’t want to get all semiotic on you, but if the bomb on the train is a knife, and the knife is also actually a knife, what do you call it? Important objects have metaphorical forms, literal forms within a fantasy, and literal forms within “reality”…  Ask me about the bus driver once you’ve seen it, and what questions that sequence raises about the “metaphors”.

 

Critics say: Underdeveloped characters.

Why I am forced to question their manhood this time instead of my own: Does anyone ever leave a film and say “I demand more exposition!”? No, they do not, unless they are assholes.  There is the barest minimum of expository nonsense in this film, and the story gets told. You find out exactly enough about the main characters.  The opening sequence introduces Baby Doll, how she gets screwed over, and gets you right into the main narrative of the film in a concise, and may I say emotionally difficult, 5 minutes. All this over a song- I hesitate to call it a montage, because it really isn’t. Oh, and speaking of the soundtrack…

Critics say: Downtempo covers, heard it before.

Why they are a bunch of drooling goats on bikes: There are some really well crafted downtempo covers on the soundtrack, yes, but this is the most coherent film soundtrack I have ever heard.  EVER. Honestly. The genius of the soundtrack is in the detail- There are musical themes which tie one song to another, referencing each other, calling one back as it anticipates the next, it’s wicked.  Listen hard when you are in the theatre, these aren’t just cross fades, there are ambient and musical elements from many of the songs in many others. In addition, whoever found that additional vocal material on the remix of “Army of Me” that I have not yet heard elsewhere deserves some kudos.

Anywaysies, you guys, I’m not going to say too much more, but go see this film. Along with the things I mentioned, this is an engaging film with some wonderful moments, some challenging themes, and lot of fun to watch. One line even made me get kind of misty right at the end there… It’s worth your $15 bucks, and if you don’t enjoy it you should just complain about the projector bulb, and scratches on the print, and they will refund you. See you at the theatre on Sunday. IMAX!

Sincerely,

RobbieRobTown

 

Lots of other sites will preview those OTHER movies. You know, they’ll show on set pictures of Captain America. Not holding a shield. Not even in the costume. And it’s blurry as all hell. Or they’ll show you a car on the set of Thor. Well, not the Correctness. No sir. The Correctness are a bunch of zeitgeist loving motherfuckers who know EXACTLY what our loyal audience wants. We are out searching for the REAL scoop.

That’s why our vast network of spy (Yes, the singular is on purpose) has been scouring the internet and sometimes leaving his house to bring you the freshest scoops from the world of Superhero movies.

There was the imaginatively titled “Jersey Shore : the XXX Parody”

There was “The Simpsons :the XXX Parody” for all you jaundice fetishists out there.

There was “XXX Parody : The XXX Parody” for the fella that likes a little meta with his spank material

Well The Correctness has gotten a sneak preview of the next great XXX- Parody. Here for your enjoyment, are selections from the screenplay for “X-men : The XXX Parody” which we all know should be called “XXX-Men” but evidently they really don’t want to mess with success over there at the XXX Parody studios.( Or at Least “Sex Men” I mean COME ON!! ) Now this is not the complete screenplay, unfortunately by the time I got to it to write the article, all of the scenes with Kitty Pryde were either ripped out or …rendered unusable by Robbie Robtown. Just a few selections for you to peruse before we are forced to take them down by Disney, Marvel and our wives.

Enjoy.

INT. SEX-MANSION – DAY

Young Rogue is speaking with Wolverine

WOLVERINE

So you wanna join the  SEX-Men do ya, bub? Well…what are your powers?

ROGUE

Well, I guess you could say I…SUCK all of the powers out of superheroes

WOLVERINE

Is that so? Care to prove it?

ROGUE

I sure would, sugar!

Rogue drops to her knees.

(Zip)

(Snikt)

ROGUE (con’t)

Oh my!  It’s so HARD!

WOLVERINE

That’s right. Those Bastards at Weapon XXX replaced my boner with Adamantium

ROGUE

You ARE a mutant! Do y’all know how to use that thing?

WOLVERINE

Sure do, Baby. I’m the best at what I do…and what I do is VERY nice…

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INT. THE SEX-JET-NIGHT

Kitty Pryde and Collossus are in the back of the Sex-jet, waiting to go on a very important mission

KITTY

So…what’s the mission, Colossus?

COLOSSUS

Juggsernaut is on a rampage…we must stop him.

KITTY

How frightening. I hope it goes okay…I mean I don’t want to die  a virgin.

Colossus smiles. Kitty smiles back. she slowly starts to unzip the front of her costume

KITTY

Say…why DO they call you Colossus?

(Whoomp. Clunk. Jet dips a little then rights itself.)

KITTY

Oh my God…I’m gonna have to use my phase power just to get that in my…

(Several pages missing…action picks up 15 pages later)

KITTY

That’s it…That’s it! Don’t stop!

JUGGSERNAUT

I won’t stop…I’m the JUGGSERNAUT, BITCH!!

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EXT. SEX-MANSION GARDENS – DAY

Jean Grey is talking with her husband, Scott

JEAN

I’m so scared, Scott…I feel like I can’t control my powers anymore

SCOTT

It’ll be okay Jean… Professor Sex will help you

JEAN

I don’t think he can help me, it’s too big. It’s like a big hot ache deep inside me…

SCOTT

You seemed to handle big things inside you before. Like on our wedding night.Maybe I can help you with that.

JEAN

You mean you want me to show you my Dark Phoenix?

SCOTT

and I’ll show you my Cyclops…

Emma Frost saunters out from behind a nearby hedge

EMMA

Any room for me?

JEAN

YOU! Get lost bitch! Get Your Own Man

EMMA

Oh Jean, you foolish girl. Don’t you know I’m psychic. I can read minds…and I know just what you want…

Jean and Emma kiss tenderly…Scott smiles

SCOTT

You might be able to turn yourself into diamonds Emma…but I’m the one getting hard!

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INT. BEASTS LAB-DAY

Hank is working away in the Lab…when Storm comes in

STORM

Hank! The Sextinals are coming, to destroy all the Sex Men with their Sex Rays. Also…sex.

BEAST

I can’t help right now…I have to work something for  Professor Sex

STORM

What are you working on?

BEAST

It’s an experiment on the attraction of Magnetic particles. This could be the key to defeating Magneto.

STORM

speaking of attraction…I’ve been wanting to do a little experimenting myself

BEAST

With what?

STORM

Beastiality….

A small localized rainstorm begins, soaking Storm and her white costume right through

STORM

Ohh look…I got myself all wet for you…

BEAST

Oh My Stars and Garters!

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INT. SEX MANSION, DANGER ROOM – NIGHT

Jean is sprawled out in bed with Colossus and Wolverine, all three naked and exhausted

JEAN

Wow. That was incredible! What do you call that maneuver you pulled?

WOLVERINE

(Wait for it. Here it comes. Everybody together now)

It’s called a” Fastball special”

JEAN

It was amazing

WOLVERINE

Wanna do it again?

JEAN

Already?

WOLVERINE

Healing factor. (Snickt)

JEAN

I like how it’s retractable.

WOLVERINE

You ready, Colossus?

Colossus “Metals up”

COLOSSUS

Da. Good to go

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The Big Finale. Rogue, Storm, Psychlocke, Jean Grey, Kitty Pryde, Emma Frost and Dazzler are facing Magneto, Mystique, Scarlet Witch and Lady Deathstrike.

STORM

You’ll never get away with enslaving mankind Magneto…we are here to stop you!

MAGNETO

Fools. I offered you a mutant paradise. And now you will bow to your true master. It’s time to evolve ladies!

Magneto waves his hand, all zippers , buttons, bra straps etc come off, The girls scream and make a show of covering up.

EMMA FROST

Hey, what the hell? I wasn’t wearing any metal!

JEAN GREY

That was me.

They share a sly smile

MAGNETO

And now you’ll see my true plan come to fruition! Charles!

Professor Sex comes rolling out

KITTY (Whose name actually does sound like a porn star)

Thank goodness. Get him professor!

MAGNETO

Not so fast. I gained access to Cerebro and switched the components….the first time Charles used it, it changed his way of thinking forever…he’s with me now!

JEAN GREY

Oh NO!!

CHARLES

Yes indeed, Jean. and now I have a little surprise for you…

The Sex-Women all clutch their heads…then start touching each other

PSYCLOCKE

Aughh.. he’s too powerful…he’s controlling us…

MAGNETO

That’s right. You are powerless against him. Raven my dear, you know what to do…

MYSTIQUE

I sure do…

The Females of the brotherhood start kissing and fondling the Sex-Women

DAZZLER

I can’t resist…it feels…so right…

EDITORS NOTE: What follows is a lesbian orgy of unprecedented depravity and duration, topped off by Mystique becoming at various points in the orgy Elektra, Spider-Woman, She Hulk and every other female in the Marvel universe, and occasionally, when warranted, growing a penis. I would have included this, but Robbie Robtown got to it first, and he has told me that he will die before he parts with it. He has literally threatened to “Punch me in my face hole until I am dead” . Then he broke down crying, clutching the pages to his chest, gently rocking back and forth, uttering “here Kitty Kitty Kitty” between heaving sobs. So we must skip these 50 or so pages of spectacular finale and go straight to the conclusion…if you have a problem with this, take it up with RRT.

The orgy finally ends. Everyone lounges about…very satisfied.

EMMA

Wow…we aren’t just mutants…we’re also freaks.

KITTY

Talk about Sex Men United…

They hear a giggling from up above. The camera pans up. Nightcrawler is hanging upside down from the chandelier

JEAN

Nightcrawler! You Perv!

NIGHTCRAWLER

I’m sorry, I did not mean to snoop

EMMA

How long have you been up there?

NIGHTCRAWLER

Long enough to get a wicked case of…BLUE BALLS!

Everyone laughs. Nightcrawler gives a shrug and a thumbs up

Fade out:

The End

Well, there you have it. You may now proceed to your respective bunks. Stay tuned next week when we give you an exclusive preview of The Fucktastic Four

SUE

Looks like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place

BEN

I think it’s clobberin time…

and coming soon, a preview of the big budget Superhero epic, The Assvengers

CAP

ASS-vengers…ASS-emble!

BLACK WIDOW

Again? Jesus Christ we need more women in this group

Till then…make mine MARVEL!

I’ve been watching a LOT of movies lately. Maybe it’s the cold weather keeping me in the house, maybe it’s because I’m working from home more often, maybe it’s because I’ve caught up on my Summer viewing. I’m not sure, and you’re not that concerned.With unlimited PVR space and the 30,000 channel pack, there’s a lot of films that I’ll record for later, and some i’ll even watch.

At any rate, a fews days back, I watched Wanted for the second time. I remember my first impression of the movie was that it was just okay. The whole bullet-curving thing was weird, and Morgan Freeman didn’t quite fit, and it was all a bit gaudy and eye roll worthy. Yet something made me give it a second look. And I’m glad I did.

“Wanted” is a 2008 film, based on a comic book of the same name. I haven’t read the comic yet, so I’ll keep my comments confined to the film itself. It’s the story of Wesley Gibson, a meek, wimpy cubicle-bound shell of a man, who is pushed around by everyone and everything in his life. That is, until he meets a group of powerful assassins who inform him that his father was one of them, and that he has inherited a fortune, and his father’s strange bullet bending and time slowing powers.

This movie is a freaking work of art. Not a classical, go to a museum and stand around with a bunch of other “art” fans so that you can say you did later work of art. More of a “I have no idea what the hell that thing is, but man, it’s really something” kind of work of art.

I once read a review of the band U2, that went something like this: “If U2 weren’t half as full of shit as they are, they wouldn’t be half the band they are.” Wanted belongs to this same school of thought. It’s unapologetic about it’s madness. It’s chock full of absolutely impossible events, framed and filmed beautifully. It’s in your face about it’s “Oh come on, that’s ridiculous” moments. In one of the early scenes, Wesley picks up an ergonomic keyboard, and lays it into the face of his “best friend”, who has been nailing Wesley’s shrew of a girlfriend. We see a tooth fly out of his mouth, and the keyboard explodes, sending the keys flying toward the screen, as time slows down, the tooth joins them, and they spell out “Fuck You”.

Again, either you’re on board for this, or you’re reaching for the remote to turn the damn thing off. Do so at your peril. If you don’t watch the rest, how will you experience the greatest on screen usage of exploding rats in cinema history? Hmmmm? The film was directed by Timur Bekmambetov, whose work you’ve seen, well, only if you’re a fan of Russian horror flicks. He’s working on the sequel to Wanted right now, and in 2012, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

The plot ambles forward, with our hero discovering his powers, and training to use them.I won’t spoil anything here, but let’s just say that the plot isn’t really why you’re here. It’s really an excuse to take us from one bizarre stunt piece to the next. And there are many, and they are fantastic, in every sense of the word.

I haven’t even mentioned Angelina Jolie yet. She’s here, playing a strangely aloof assassin. We’re meant to think that her and our hero are a match for one another, and that they’ll fall madly in love. Except that the film never really gives us that impression. Jolie is busy looking hot and untouchable, so we don’t get any heat between the two.

Morgan Freeman, as mentioned earlier, is the head of the secret assassin/weaving guild (don’t ask…). Freeman is a great actor, but he also seems out of place in this movie. I’m not sure if that’s we’re used to seeing him as a kindly old mentor, or that, like Jolie, his acting instructions seemed to be “be standoffish whenever possible”, but I never really get the impression that he fits here.

On the whole, you’ll either love this, or hate it. But give it a shot. Check your cynicism at the door, and try to appreciate the gusto this movie throws itself at you with.

Fun Facts:

- There are a few places in the film where James McAvoy’s English accent comes out, oddly.

-If you watch closely in the opening scene where Wesley’s girlfriend is nailing his best friend on Wesley’s Ikea kitchen table, her blue shirt instantly blips from being on to being in a heap behind her. (Don’t you wish you could do that?). The same shirt appears later in the movie. It must be her good shirt.

So, I’m watching the original Lon Chaney jr. “Wolf Man” last night and couldn’t help but notice a few things that I would like to share with you, in the spirit of Halloween and all.

1. Near the beginning of the film, Larry Talbot actually uses a telescope to peer into a young woman’s room. As it turns out, this action is significantly creepier/scarier that anything else that goes on in the movie.

2.I didn’t know that Bela Lugosi was in this movie. He played a Gypsy, named Bela by what I am am sure is purely coincidence. At no point did he call anyone a Limey Cocksucker.Not even Claude Rains, who clearly was one. Imagine my disappointment.

3. According to the movie, the Werewolf would know who his next victim would be , because he’s see a pentagram on them. Which means he has probably attacked at least one Rush fan by mistake.

4.At no point is the full moon mentioned. He just changes every night for a week or so. And in that time he killed just ONE guy. and it looked like he strangled the guy. Not sure why he’d go to the trouble of growing claws and fangs if all he was going to do was choke a bitch.

5. When Larry transforms into the beast the first time he was wearing an undershirt and tan pants. Then in the next scene the wolf man was wearing a completely different outfit. That means AS THE WOLF MAN he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and said, “No no no, that won’t do at all” and changed clothing. He decided that if one was going to go out- a -manglin’ on a foggy night, then one ought to have a shirt buttoned all the way up to the top, and a completely different pair of pants. Hence the line “I’d like to meet his tailor” I suppose. But his hair was perfect.

6. Despite all of this, it’s still pretty fun, which is evidently more than can be said for the remake.

A Saturday filled with chips, cola and Hi-def Gore.

The idea came to me after seeing the Alice Cooper/Rob Zombie Double Bill. It had occurred to me during that campy fun slightly gross show that since my wife HATES horror movies it had been ages since I had seen one. Horror movies are much like comedies in that the good ones are extremely rare. As Stephen King said, in the wrong hands, horror can easily turn to comedy and vice versa. However it had been so long since I caught up with the genre, there was actually a handful of them I had heard great things about and was keen to see.

The weather this past weekend in Calgary, was, in a word, shit. Rain, snow and several permutations thereof. The wife was away in Banff for a girl’s weekend. Conditions were ideal…the time was right… it was time to watch the proverbial bodies hit the proverbial floor. I made a few phone calls, bought some junk food, loaded the bar fridge up with cola and beer, fired up the big screen and settled in for a Saturday Gore -fest.

I picked up three films I had heard great things about…The Devil’s Rejects, The Descent, and Let The Right One In. I told everyone the afternoons festivities would start at Noon.

at 2 pm I got a call from Robbie RobTown

“Hey Tony…is the Horror Fest still going on?”

“”Nobody is here yet”

“Ah… well, allow me to be the first to show up then, I’m on my way”

But he was scooped by the very genial Dave (Not Admin Rock, from whom I received no RSVP. What up with that?) who brought even more chips and three movies of his own, among them John Carpenter’s The Thing. To keep him entertained while the others arrived, I set him up on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, which I rented…and together we came to realize that the difference between enjoying the game and loathing it was discovering the “crouch” button.

Then my buddy Len arrived. With the playstation occupied I was forced to distract him with soup. When Rob did show up with his can of “no caffeine cane sugar, I’m not at all high maintenance I have no idea why I’m single” cola in hand, we finally had enough people to get this thing rolling.

But first, lunch, and the revelation that Rob is in a place now where, given the right conditions, he would in fact, fuck a racist.

He won’t drink coke, mind you, but he will put his penis in a women who hates black people. Juuuust sayin.

So after that revelation, all we could do was start the movies…and we started with…

The Devil’s Rejects

Even though I dig his music, I had never seen a Rob Zombie movie. In a way the two are connected. A Rob Zombie Concert is a bit like a Halloween Fun house, excessive but often more campy than scary. It goes from depraved torture porn to the Munsters in the blink of an eye. I don’t think he takes himself too seriously, he’s just a fan of the genre. He loves it…he’s a horror geek. You can’t take yourself too seriously with a song like “Mars needs women”.

“The Devil’s Rejects” is much the same way. It opens with a dead naked woman being slowly dragged through a leaf filled field by a giant who looks like a cross between Sloth from the Goonies and Freddy Kruger. There are scenes of the Firefly Family having a snooze in their white trash murder palace, with Otis the Rob Zombie/ Charles Manson look alike still spooning the naked female corpse he’s been giving his arduous attention to.

Clearly a horror film, right?

Well not so fast, here comes the Sheriff! Spouting B movie action movie red neck bad assery with every line. Now it’s a drive in grindhouse movie from the 70′s.

“I have no idea what genre this movie is…” said Rob between sips of his high maintenance cola.

When Captain Spaulding wakes up from a dream where he is being ridden, and then shot by by 80′s porn star Ginger Lynn (spotted by Len, by the way…pervert),the plus size woman beside him asks if he had a bad dream. He says “Ehhh 50/50.”

So it’s a comedy then.

Then it occurs to me…he is using 70′s b movie genre style to tell a morally ambiguous and hyper violent, hyper stylized, quite quotable, pop culture laden, cameo filled, blackly comedic tale…

He’s the Horror Tarantino. Only instead of a foot fetish, he is obsessed with his wife’s ass. Not without reason.

On the whole, fun, certainly in a room full of comedians. The Hotel room scene was a bit much for me, but I must confess I laughed my ass off when that girl got hit with a truck and spread about 10 feet down the road. But don’t get it on Blue ray…no one needs to see Sid Haig’s droopy yellow brown former tighty whities in high def. Great Soundtrack though.

The Descent

I heard some great things about this one. A group of Lovelies try to cheer up their devasted friend with a bit of spelunking. She is devastated because she lost her husband and child in a shocking car accident. She’ll be also be devasted to learn her husband had been doing a little spelunking on the side with one of her pals.

The problem with this large, attractive cast is, we were terrible with names and were referring to them by description. This became especially tricky when trying to make the call on who was going to die first.

“I think pigtails medical chick is gonna go first”

“No, my money is on tall teacher”

Eventually we learned it was Quasi lesbian spikey haired sporty who looks like Anne Hathaway when her helmet was on” was the first to go.

It only got worse when we realized the “lead them into the wrong cave chick” was named Juno.

“Juno who is about to get eaten?

“Juno who slept with your husband”

“Juno who should have brought the map?

On the whole, good production value. The cast was very easy on the eyes. I felt the tension more when it was just “We’re trapped in the cave and may not get out” as opposed to “Hundreds of Gollum like bat boys are coming to eat you”

and speaking of which, if they can’t see, shouldn’t they have an excellent sense of smell? I don’t think total stillness would save you in that instance anymore than it would for a T-Rex.

We didn’t end up watching “Let the right one in” because I knew it was not a sit around and crack jokes kinda film and I think I wanted to watch that one sans peanut Gallery so we opted for…

John Carpenter’s The Thing

which , by the way, is still awesome. We learned that Norwegians can’t shoot for shit, Wilford Brimley looks extra creepy without a mustache, and that the Creepy Staring Dog may be the best actor in the entire film.

I also have a theory that the whole thing was a fever dream born from cabin fever that was created after Mack poured Jim Beam into the chess computer. Thus driving the entire colony mad and delusional with boredom.

Oh and WHAT were they researching up there, and why dd they need so many guns and dynamite? I guess Americans don’t really send scientists to these research stations because there isn’t enough room for them after all the guns, grenades, and chess computers they have to pack.

It was at this point the evening devolved into Beatles Rock Band and Settlers of Cataan (Nerds!) so we didn’t ever get around to seeing some of the other selections, but I have a sneaking suspicion it might happen again.

My wife has got to leave the house sometime.

This past weekend, the stars aligned properly, Zod was in retrograde, and The Correctness gathered together for that time honoured tradition: The Superhero Movie.

We were all able to get tickets to the same showing of Iron Man 2 in IMAX, and made the appropriate amount of noise at the appropriate, and inappropriate times. We cheered and were impressed with the trailer for Inception, and we sighed and wept for the future during the trailer for Shrek 56.

Tbinns suggested at the end of the film that we all review the film Smackdown style. And so, we did… Enjoy! (Also, weigh in on the poll at your right!)

admin_rock

First, the disclosure: I was never much of an Iron Man fan. I didn’t read his comic book, and when I did come across him in other books, he always seem boring. Civil War and X-Men Forever both paint him in a bad light, and it’s difficult to have any affinity for the character.

Having said that, I went to the original Iron Man film, and really enjoyed it. I thought it was well made, kept things moving, and was very enjoyable. I had suspicions that it wouldn’t be one of the all time greats, and I don’t think it has much rewatchability.

After seeing Iron Man 2, it all became very clear for me. This franchise lives and dies with Robert Downey Jr. I have a hunch that you could change every other aspect of the films (not to slight Jon Favreau, who did a great job), as long as you keep Downey, you’re fine.

I say this because it occurred to me while I watched that I love the hell out of Downey’s Stark (if only the comics would capture that bravado…), but I don’t really like Iron Man.

As a hero, he’s pretty dull. The mask doesn’t help, as we lose a lot of his humanity, and the fact that all his villains so far have been other guys in metal suits, and that the “new suits” are all just slightly different versions of the same suit, same colours etc. There’s also the part where we watch metal hit metal again and again, with no impact on the human inside. Yawn.

Mickey Rourke is in this movie, apparently he’s a genius physicist who has the hair of a wrestler, the tattoos of a douchebag, and the teeth of Flava Flav. He lives with his dad in a fleabag apartment in Russia, and when his dad dies, leaving behind some blueprints, he’s able to fashion a powerful whip-like device using the power supply thingie that Stark also uses. So, if I understand this, while rent, and haircuts are apparently an issue, finding and getting expensive electrical parts, power supplies, and such are easy as pie. Okay.

And what the hell was all that crap about the bird? Do we care? Did I miss something? I was certain he was using the term in the English sense, that he was demanding the return of Scarlett Johanssen.

My other issue was with the insane amount of broken glass in this movie. Whenever possible, glass in this movie will shatter, showering everyone in sight. But no one gets cut. Ever. There’s a scene where drunken girls are throwing bottles in the air, Iron Man is blasting the bottles, which shatter everywhere, and no one is even ducking or covering themselves. Later in the movie, the exhibition is interrupted by a battle, and glass falls about 1 or 2 stories on to the crowd, who are completely unaffected.

Performance-wise, Downey is awesome in this role. He’s a delight to watch, the ultimate rich guy with swagger. Sam Rockwell was great as well, the kind of role most actors would kill for! Don Cheadle and Gwyneth Paltrow are fine, and do their jobs effectively. Scarlett Johanssen is great eye candy, and her fight sequences are fantastic (great choice to keep them short and sweet).

On the whole, I’d say this is a great film, I’d recommend it to anyone. It’s not the king of superhero films (still Dark Knight Returns in my book), but it’s an enjoyable ride. I’d give it an 8 out of 10.

Tbinns

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Dave. Are you suggesting that The Dark Knight has LESS broken glass than Iron Man 2? Perhaps if you count by volume ie: 1 giant glass dome versus 50 individual and separate glass windows.

The Dark Knight is NOTHING BUT broken glass. Just off the top of my head there was broken glass in: The bank heist, the recapture of Scarecrow, Rachel getting dropped out the window…a TON of broken glass when the Bat cycle took a tour through that building, the capturing of Lau, and the swat break in at the end. That’s not even counting the hospital and warehouse explosions.

I’m not saying it wasn’t awesome…I’m just saying people in broken glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, so to speak.

(admin_rock: I was more speaking to the showering of innocents with glass while they gleefully ignore it, but I could have been more clear. AND, I’m not basing my “king of superhero movies” solely on glass count, mister “I read your review before writing my own!”)

Could someone with even less of a life than us do a comparative study/youtube video and settle this one for us please?

(RobbieRobTown: I did, but got bored)

But onto the subject at hand…

I enjoyed the hell out of Iron Man 2. The lone Black Widow fight scene was awesome…Scar Jo did not embarrass herself at all by trying an accent, which I think was a good choice. (How good of a spy would she be if she sounded deeply Russian?)Mickey Rourke chose a more laid back form of scenery chewing, which made him more bad ass. (I agree the bird went nowhere, apart from the payoff sight gag after he took out those Hammer cronies.) And dialogue wise, everyone was talking at the same time as everyone else, with that kind of 70’s era overlap, which I still think is kinda nifty. The action was well done, although it could have used a little more. It was funny. The Avengers set up was exciting. Sam Rockwell was great. And of course Robert Downey jr. fucking OWNS Tony Stark.

It was a good time, and judging by the upcoming release slate, I don’t see too many more of those coming this summer. I’m not certain where all of this mixed reaction and dislike is coming from. I think we might be spoiled. I hate to pull the old man “When I was a kid” routine, but I remember a time when we would DREAM of superhero movies like this, when all we were getting is a Golan Globus Punisher that didn’t even HAVE the skull symbol on the outfit. And it starred Dolph Lundgren. Dolph. Lundgren.And a straight to video Captain America, which owing to the fact that it starred J.D. Salinger’s son, I have nicknamed “Catcher in the Wal-Mart Bargain Bin”

This is what we were talking about on the monkey bars at recess people, lighten up and enjoy it. And if Scarlett Johannsen (and Gwyneth Paltrow, if that’s your taste) in a tight black dress sashaying slowly up a set of stairs isn’t worth your 15 bucks I don’t know what is.

RobbieRobTown:

I didn’t exactly see the first Iron Man film under the best circumstances. In fact, let me just say that due to an unfathomably shitty series of events, and a transpacific flight, that particular Monday, the single worst day of my life, lasted 35 hours. Anyhow, that was the day I saw Iron Man, and because my subconscious could not allow my fragile conscious mind to experience any more depression, I think I enjoyed it. Actually, I just felt numb, and suicidal, so that was a really refreshing change from the soul shattering nightmare the rest of that day was.

So, my expectations for Iron Man 2 were low, to say the very least. Well, good news, everyone! My expectations were totally exceeded! This movie was better than the lowest point you have ever experienced. Iron Man 2 was better than a totally genuine existential meltdown. Iron man 2 is better than questioning your entire understanding of reality! Iron Man 2 is better than the last in a long line of unfathomably thorough betrayals! Iron Man 2 is better than confronting the purposelessness of your own existence. And Scarlett Johansson is in it, and she is so very pretty. By the way, I just did a quick spelling check on Scarlett Johansson’s name in google, and auto complete suggested the following 2 things in order:

1. First Auto-Complete Suggestion: “Scarlett Johansson”

2. Next Auto-Complete Suggestion: “Scarlett Johansson’s Breast size”.

Really? Really guys? Google, really? Does it matter? Did you enjoy seeing them in the film? Did you need reassurance for a sweater you are knitting for her? Can that possible be the second most popular search regarding Scarlett Johansson in the entire world? Wow guys.

The boys have already covered the key points on this film. I thought the dialouge was cute, and punchy, and an A-List nerd fantasy girl kicks some ass- Though, spoiler alert, she kicks ass for basically no narrative reason. She still kicks ass, but it just isn’t important to the story at all- AT ALL.

A word of warning for you die-hards waiting for the end credits reveal- another spoiler alert here- the long wait through the credits is not exactly paid off  by the awkwardly framed shot of Thor’s Hammer. Food for thought, though it is very respectful of you to sit through all the credits like that.