With this article, we embark on a bold new task: Correct that which needs Correcting. To that end, we focus today on the most reviled of the Star Wars films: Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
This task is not an easy one, for there is much that needs fixing.

1) As the point of the exercise is to Correct, any mockery of the source material must be relevant, on point, or incredibly funny.

2) No new characters are allowed, unless justification for their necessity can be made. Existing characters may be removed.

3) Any solutions provided, by The Correctness or comment posters, is subject to ridicule and nitpicking.

4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.

TBinns

How to fix Episode one.

A subject I have devoted WAAAAAYYYY too much thought to.

Well, my goodness, where to begin? I think I’ll have to do this with bullet points, There’s much work to be done, and I cannot waste time on flowery prose.

In no particular order…

1. Assume the Audience can Read: Ben Burtt is great at creating alien languages, so why have those TERRIBLE ACCENTS on the trade Federation guys? Greedo had subtitles, Jabba had subtitles, nobody complained. Or, what the hell, they have a protocol droid hanging around…have HIM translate if you think the kids in the audience will miss out on something. At the absolute worst, take a few seconds and show them use a translation device…ANYTHING to get rid of “Awwwhatis.. Goingon downdere?”

2. Conflict : If the Ultimate plan is invasion anyway… don’t piss around with Trade blockades. Why not start with a small party of Jedi sent to put an end to an ALREADY EXISTING WAR (the name of the series is not Star Blockades, people) and are ambushed and marooned. Or perhaps a whole battalion of Jedi move in for a UN Peacekeeping type mission and are betrayed and ambushed, leaving only Qui Gon and Obi Wan alive. Then, they have taken a severe loss, and Palpatine’s ultimate goal REALLY gets going. Gets to the point quicker without all the yakkidy yak yak

3. Jar Jar: I believe he can be fixed believe it or not. Take away the voice, and the slapstick element. Maybe make him a criminal, banished for thievery or some such thing. A thief, a pickpocket a scoundrel n’er do well, who..and I cannot stress this enough…does not speak english. At all. You can still save him from the invasion, he can still get them into Gunga city, perhaps even through underhanded means. He can still be humorously cowardly, just in a slightly more subtle way. But that said he should know how to a) steal shit, b) fly and or pilot vehicles and c) find new and creative ways to get himself out of the shit. There’s still plenty of opportunity for him to cause the trouble he does, without the subsequent eye rolling “Oopsie mooie mooie” crap.

4. Amidala: The idea of an elected queen is just retarded. The whole switcharoo with her bodyguard? Equally retarded. Get rid of the title, you only put it in there to make the whole Princess Leia thing make sense anyway. There’s nothing wrong with making her a tough, no nonsense senator from a noble house. Drop the whole queen angle, the Kabuki outfits, the weird voice, the weird accent. I believe Leia’s mother would be a plain dealer with a soft heart, and a weakness for dashing rogues. Mostly because her daughter is much the same.. Natalie Portman CAN act. Give her someone she can sink her teeth into.

5. Anakin: Picture this…after getting through the Trade Federations vast blockade of ships, our heroes are tracked to Tattooine. The Federation Battle Cruiser pops out of hyperspace mere minutes after they do. Swarms of droid ships come out to finish them off, their doom is nigh. Or so it would seem, until an unmarked ship swoops in and starts taking out droids left and right. The pilot? 18 year old Anakin Skywalker (“When I met your father, he was already a great pilot”) who was trying to escape his bonds of slavery, but could not stand idly by while someone is in trouble. After a thrilling battle scene, our heroes escape, but the authorities lock a tractor beam on Anakin and he is recaptured. Wishing to not only get the part he needs, but to somehow repay Anakin for his help, our heroes head down to the planet to track down his owner who has, as a last resort, installed the anti escape implantations in Anakin and his mother.

This helps in a number of ways. It parallels Luke’s development by picking up the story at approximately the same age, it makes the romance angle more believable, the pod race more believable, and it really does make him too old to begin the training. Plus, when he takes out the trade federation ship at the end, it’s more than just a blindly heroic accident.

6. The droids: A cameo would have sufficed. A cameo somewhere far away from Tatooine. Darth Vader creating (and defacto owning in Artoo’s case) the droids he was looking for in a New Hope is just too much of a coincidence for me. Although , I enjoyed watching them meet for the first time. Ditto Anakin and Obi Wan

7. Midichlorians: No No no no no. Wanna show how strong he is with the Force? I’m prepared to take a simple “The Force is incredibly strong with our young friend here” and a reply from Obi Wan“I have felt it too Master, but I also felt…something else.” There. Done. It’s that simple. Wanna show it in action? Maybe when he’s fixing something he absent mindedly reaches for a tool that flies into his grasp. Maybe in a barfight scene he instinctively force pushes someone. Ability to tap into the force may well be genetic, but it shouldn’t be due to parasites. You can’t cure the force with Penicillin, people.

8. Pod Race. Keep the Race, lose the announcer.

9. Darth Maul. More Please. And he lives at the end. He shouldn’t die until episode three where Anakin kills him and takes his place.

10. Make battle droids look a little meaner. Even if Stormtroopers couldn’t hit shit, at least they LOOKED bad ass.

11. Give Obi Wan More to do. I actually wouldn’t have minded a bit of sexual tension between him and Padme actually. Nothing serious, but enough to plant a few sees of hostility in Anakin… and speaking of Anakin….lets revisit him again, since he is so crucial to the whole affair….

12. The Missing Solo: The Rogue factor was definitely missing here. If Anakin had a bit more swash to his buckle, if he wasn’t so serious all the time, if he had even an ounce of charm, we could believe that Padme would fall for him. We could also believe that his rash, impulsive nature is part of what lead to his downfall, as well as his passion for Padme, and most of all we would actually dread seeing him fall. Remember when Han Solo got frozen in the carbonite? Remember how you felt about it? We should feel that times 10 when that helmet gets locked into place the first time. Instead, we are practically BEGGING for it to happen. If it’s supposed to be a tragic story, make me care about the tragic victims.

13. Make the universe look a little more lived in: That was part of the appeal of the original design. Save the slickness for Star Trek, this is a rough and tumble , usable Universe.

14. Yoda. Just use the old Puppet…for the LOVE OF GOD

15. A room full of script doctors. Get them in there to polish the dialogue, hire real comedians to write the comedy bits. Have them sit through a reading, and every time there’s a wince, there’s a rewrite. George needed to separate himself from the scripting process enough to be open to other viewpoints. Clearly he was incapable of doing that..

I’m sure there’s more but these are the ones that pop to mind right away. I suppose if you had to sum it up, it would be “Make it more like Star Wars” which is a typical old fart response. I don’t need all the same things, unless by that you mean Characters I care about, great action, a decent plot and fun dialogue.

Admin_rock

The biggest problems in The Phantom Menace for me are

1) The Trade Federation nonsense/Political scheming
2) Too much focus on Amidala and Naboo.

The movie is supposed to be the first chapter in a giant epic story of “The Rise and Fall of Anakin Skywalker”. At least, that what George Lucas keeps telling us. That’s fine, we can dig that. We clearly can’t set the prequels too close to IV-VI, that creates casting issues (speaking of which, it’s high time we did a Princess Leia Casting Couch).

A lot of detractors put the hate on Jake Lloyd, but as a child, he does a fine job of playing a child. It’s more the dialogue that makes him come off as grating.

So, Episode I – Rise of the Sith

We keep young Anakin Skywalker, and we add the twist that his father was actually Darth Sidious/Palpatine, who creates Anakin using the power of the Dark Side, and Shmi as the vessel. This gives us another Father/Son situation to counterpoint the “I am your Father” and final resolution in Jedi. Likely, we as the audience know this, but none of the characters do. Palpatine’s keen interest in Anakin comes deeper. Anakin still grows up on Tatooine, though Palpatine keeps tabs on him from a distance.

The leader of the Senate is one Count Dooku, who, with the help of the mysterious Darth Sidious, is strengthening his power base, and building an Army of clones on a distant planet. He has the backing of the Trade Federation, without whom there is no way to transport supplies from planet to planet en masse.

We meet Senator Bail Organa, who is concerned with the government’s power becoming more and more centralized. He goes to visit the Jedi Council, to share his concerns with them. They are also concerned, but unwilling to get involved. Qui Gon Jinn and his assistant Obi Wan Kenobi meet with Organa in secret, and promise to investigate.

Qui Gon heads off to investigate Dooku, while Obi Wan is sent to Tatooine, where Dooku seems to be spending a lot of time. Qui Gon discovers the existence of the Clone factory on Kamino, and Obi Wan discovers Anakin Skywalker, a boy who is so strong in the force that Obi Wan is drawn to him, almost like a magnet. Dooku discovers the the Jedi are sniffing around, and tells his men to take the boy. They do so, and Obi wan saves him, in a brilliant high speed skiff/ podracer chase.

Qui Gon contacts the Jedi council to warn them of the clone army. They attempt to spring into action, but Dooku tells them to stand down. They refuse, telling him they will tell everyone what he is doing. He responds by having the clones attack the planet of Naboo, obliterating all the major cities, and wiping out a race of unfortunate water dwelling Gungans. Dooku convinces the senate that the attack was made by a new Rebellion, led by the Jedi, set on seizing the government. The Jedi are hunted, and they flee to Dagobah, making contact with Bail Organa, who has the support of a small number of worlds, and they form the rebellion.

Obi Wan and Anakin meet up with the Jedi, and they are all stunned by the power the boy possesses. They are concerned about training him, as he is a living weapon, and could be very dangerous in the wrong hands. Senator Palpatine reaches out to the Jedi, telling him he is siding with them, and will act as an informant for them. Anakin meets a young Padme, who is with her mother, among the Rebellion refugees of Naboo.

The movie concludes with a Jedi attack on Kamino, with an attempt to take out the clone factory. Qui Gonn heads to the control room to download the database info, hoping to learn more about the army and its leaders. He is confronted by a young Sith Knight, Darth Maul. There is a massive struggle, ending with Qui Gonn being struck down by Maul, right as Obi Wan arrives. Obi Wan and 2 other Jedi are able to fight off Maul, who escapes after destroying the database.

The Jedi hold a funeral for Qui Gon back on Dagobah. They discuss this new turn of events, that the Sith have reformed, and that they must be stopped.

ROBBIEROBTOWN

Lies weeping in the corner, reminded of the awfulness that was TPM. Perhaps he will regroup and weigh in. Who can say?

So there you have it. The Corrected version of The Phantom Menace. Agree? Disagree? Want to call us names? Suggest other fixes? Sell pills online? Do so below!

cough cough BESTSUPPORTINGACTOR cough cough.

Oh, excuse me I’m sorry. Something stuck in my craw, I think…oh..wait

cough coughBESTSCREENPLAYcough cough cough

There, that’s better.

Part 4 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Storm arguably the most powerful mutant in the Marvel Universe. (In any kind of real life scenario, someone who controls the weather runs the world, but we’ll save that for another article)

Who is being recast?

Halle Berry

Now why would anyone in their right minds recast an Oscar winning actress widely known to be one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood? Well, I’ll tell you why. SHE’S TERRIBLE in this role. The accent in the first X-men movie was Costner-like in its inconsistency. And because of her top billing status, she demanded and got, more screen time thus pushing Cyclops to a much undeserved death in the 3rd movie. Even when she dropped the accent Storm didn’t seem like she could lead a cub scout troupe much less a band of powerful mutants. Besides, Catwoman means we get to retroactively revoke her comic book character card for good.

Now this was a tough one. I never used to think that there was racial and sexual inequality when it comes to casting in Hollywood until I tried to come up with a shortlist for this article and drew a huge blank. I actually had to do some digging around to find out who was out there. That means either a) There really aren’t that many great roles for African American women out there, or b) I am a horrible racist bastard.

I am sincerely hoping it’s A)

Honorable Mentions

Cassie Ventura

I personally had never heard of her until my friend Trevor suggested her. She is evidently a model and a singer, as well as a dancer. The pictures seem to say she’d look fantastic, and the dance training suggests she can probably do the wire work required for flying pretty well, but I’d have pretty severe reservations until I’d actually seen her act. Trevor, on the other hand would cast her in anything and everything and threatened the life of my cats if I did not include her on the list. So this one is for the well being of Mauser and Fluffypudge.

Sanaa Lathan

Another award winner, this one a Yale Graduate who cut her teeth on Broadway and has been in such heavy hitters as the TV adaptation of A Raisin In The Sun. You probably know her as Vanessa from Blade, or for the four of you who watched it, Alexa from AvP. She is also a regular on the Clevleand show, but again we’ll try not to hold that against her. I haven’t seen enough of her work to know for sure, but that is an impressive resume, and great screen presence right there.

Nia Long

Nia Long is used to handling the dramatic heavy lifting on Third watch, and some of the comedic heavy lifting (If there is indeed any to be had) on the Cleveland show. She’s also been in the Big Momma’s House movies, but her agent contacted us and asked us not to emphasize that too much. She seems to have that air of dignity and confidence that would be required for Storm. Definitely someone I hope to see more of.

BONUS QUESTION: What happens to a Toad when it is struck by lightning?

Answer: Everybody in the audience rolls their eyes

The “If I had a Time Machine Award” goes to

Nichelle Nichols Circa 1965

Yeah, I went there. At least I am a self aware huge Nerd. What about you? You are reading an article about Storm. Don’t judge me!

The Top 3

3. Gina Torres

Kicking ass and taking names aboard Serenity, Gina is the epitome of the strong black woman. She has the looks, the brains and the leadership qualities needed to make a great Storm. For the record, both Wash, and Morphius agree with me.

2. Zoe Saldana

Being the lead in the highest grossing science fiction film of all time (kind of) AND Playing Uhura sends Zoe’s geek cred through the roof. She was one of the highlights of a great Trek reboot, and if you insisted on skewing younger with the part, you couldn’t do much better than Zoe

And my #1 choice for Storm is…

Angela Basset

Okay she probably should have gone under the Time machine heading circa 1998, but hear me out…

This is, if I may be so bold as to pun horrifically “The Perfect Storm.” Strength, Charisma, Wisdom and all of those other D and D stats that go into making a great superhero. An amazing actress who looks like she could be kind and motherly one moment and whoop your ass the next. If I were an X-man, I would follow Angela Basset.

So that about wraps it up for this edition of the Casting Couch. Join us again soon…you don’t have to be blind to see that Elektra could use a bit of recasting.

Today’s Topic:

Hobbes is to Calvin what Tyler Durden is to Edward Norton’s unnamed Narrator in Fight Club.

Things to consider….

1) Everyday when he comes home from school, Hobbes pounces on Calvin, thus he is fighting himself

2)Hobbes may be an extension of Calvin’s personality he may not be ready to deal with yet, ie: his latent attraction to Suzie Derkins. In the Movie, it’s Tyler who bangs Marla, the Edward Norton character doesn’t even admit to being attracted to her.

3) All of these characters are, in their own way rebelling against authority

4) People who have a decal of Calvin peeing on the logo of a rival truck do NOT get Calvin and Hobbes. AT ALL.

Discuss.

Please note the Correctness has received a special dispensation, and we can, this one time, talk about Fight Club

Dear Jessica 6:

As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I am still seeking a Hot Spacewife to get Spacemarried to.  I would also approve of a Vampirewife, or a FantasyFictionwife, but I’m mostly looking for a Hot Spacewife. Probably not a superhero wife, they always seem a bit conflicted.

While I know that you are just a character in a movie, and in real life you are Jenny Agutter, and you have had a long career as a respected professional actor,  and you are in your fifties (not that 25 years is insurmountable), I would like to leave that aside for a moment.

If I had a time machine, and a machine that makes fictional characters real, I would totally ask you to be my Hot Spacewife. You are totally Spacehot. I apologize if that doesn’t sound very charming or flattering. People who write for comedy blogs are not legendarily good at sweeping spacewomen of their spacefeet.

I don’t want to put too much pressure on you, just because I’m willing to spacecommit to you doesn’t mean we absolutely have to get spacemarried.  We could just may go on a few Whedondates. Maybe I could get us tickets to see the Kessel Run, or we could vacation on Risa? Do you like Soylent Green? I know some great recipes. I use coconut milk, curry, and people.

I know you probably hit it off with Logan- I’m a little older than Logan was when you two met, but I had to take the chance on asking you. Just in case.

Sincerely,

RobbieRobTown

Today, The Correctness takes a closer look at Luke Skywalker, whom many have lauded as a hero, both for his role in ending the grip of the Galactic Empire, as well as playing an important role in the Prophesy of Restoring Balance to the Force. However, there is another side to this mysterious youngster, one which we’d like to shed some light upon.

The first note of concern about the stability of Luke’s mental state comes from his reactions to the events that unfold in his personal life. There are a number of warning flags raised throughout his life. Luke is a restless young man when we first meet him as an adult. He’s eager for adventure, and for a life beyond Tatooine. Soon after acquiring a couple of robots, being attacked by Sandpeople, and meeting a strange hermit from the hills, Luke returns to his home to discover his aunt and uncle, who have raised him since birth, have been horrifically killed. This, in combination with the knowledge that his father was more than what he originally thought sparks the beginning of the change in his persona.

The next critical event occurs when Ben Kenobi is “slain” by Darth Vader. Luke seems overly distraught and traumatized by this event, though he had known Kenobi for a few days. In fact, he seems more shaken by this than his earlier loss. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, and call it the release of his repressed anguish from the Tatooine events.

His immediate reaction to this is to fly back to the Death Star, and destroy it. According to people way nerdier than we could ever hope to be, the population of Death Star I was 31,622,963. So Luke’s torpedo essentially killed the population of California, a place filled with clones, reconstructed people, and British Officers (?).

A more reasonable response would have perhaps been to get the information about the Death Star to places where the people could see what their government was up to, and create an uprising, but hey, that’s a lot of work.

We skip forward to the days where Luke spends a lot of time in isolation, wandering the frozen wastes. When the base on Hoth is attacked, he flees, heading for the swamps of Dagobah. There, he does a half-assed job of learning some Jedi stuff, and runs away from that, against the advice of his 900 year old Master.

He then does relatively little to actually help his friends, and meets sees father for the second time. This would be the first time they meet face to mask. Vader cuts Luke’s hand off (a family tradition!) and tells him that he is Luke’s father. Luke’s already fragile mind snaps, and he attempts suicide rather than let his father help him to safety. Luckily, he survives.

After a somewhat successful rescue of Han Solo, marred by the great Jedi Knight being tricked by a Hutt, Luke returns to Dagobah to finish his training. But, oh no, Yoda is dying. If only Luke had listened in the first place, he might have actually been trained properly. But Luke isn’t about finishing things, mostly he likes starting, and then taking off.

Another Death Star is discovered (and the originality of that idea is a whole separate article) and the Rebels race off to destroy it. Luke is feeling all Jedilike, and surrenders to Vader (meeting # 2). He’s all ” You’re my father, and there is good in you”. Maybe this is his mind dealing with fact that he’s discovered the only girl he’s lusted after in his adult life is his sister. At any rate, after a prolonged encounter, in which the last vestiges of Luke’s mind are bashed around by family loyalty vs power etc etc, Luke’s goodyness allows Vader to throw the Emperor down a shaft (don’t get me started). Vader is dying, and Luke helps him and drags him back to a shuttle to escape the Death Star II.

At this point, Vader was probably thinking,”Why is my son helping me like i’m an old man, instead of Force Floating me to the shuttle?” Why? Because Luke missed that day in class, because he’s an idiot.

Luke doesn’t react much to Vader’s death, as they’ve only met the two times, and has tried to kill him pretty much every time they’re within 10 kilometres of each other.

Luke’s Reaction to the death of important people in his life:
Aunt and Uncle: Scream and look off into distance
Ben Kenobi: Scream and go into shock
Yoda: Look sad
Vader: Look sad

The net effect of all of this is that the Galaxy is “saved” from people who actually have a solid grasp of the Force, and turned over to a group of people for whom planning consists of “what, a threat? ATTACK!”. Also, the only 2 people we know of in the galaxy that are Force Sensitive are

1)The guy who missed most of the training, grew up without real parents, tried to nail his sister, and was stalked by his father, killed 31 million people, and can’t control his emotions enough to use his powers.

2) His sister.

At this point, R2D2 and Chewbacca, the only living members of the original Rebel Alliance and resident super spies, are shaking their respective heads and wondering if this was all worth it.

While there is no clear conclusion, it seems pretty clear that the galaxy might have been better off under the somewhat more stable Palpatine. Who knows what kind of havoc could be unleashed at the first sign of any distress on Luke’s behalf.

(ED: The Correctness obtained copies of these interviews, found in a box addressed to “The Correctness: A Long Time from Now, In a Galaxy Far,Far, Away”.)

Kitster Banai: “Yeah, I knew him. Only we called him Ani. I didn’t like hanging out with him that much, because he smelled like wet carpet and vomit a lot of the time. He was a slave kid, always looking for food and handouts. He used to come over to my place, and my mom wouldn’t let him inside. She was worried he had lice and stuff.

He was ok. He was a pretty smart kid, knew a lot about fixing stuff. He was always building thing, like this robot he had. I never understood how he was so dirt poor, but he had like thousands of credits worth of talking robot around.

He left here when he was like 8 or so, after he won the big podrace. He went to become a Jedi or monk or something. ( Interviewer explains what became of Anakin). What? He became Darth Vader? Daaaaamn! Maybe I should have opened some of those letters he sent. Seriously, I should call him up, I could use a nice cushy government job. Wow, shoulda seen that coming. They said he wiped out a bunch of Sandpeople, but those guys are useless anyway. I have one of them doing my yardwork. Lazy as hell.”

Wald/Greedo
“You wanna know about Skywalker, huh? Let me tell you about Skywalker! He was a little jerk! He was always harping on me about my weight, about how much I ate. Well, Mr. Slave kid who hasn’t seen the inside of a sonic shower in his life, I’m Rodian. We eat. That’s how it works. But he’s all “you’re getting fat”, and “you eat everything in sight”. Starts calling me “Greedo”. And of course, it sticks. I should have taken him out when I was 7. Of course, he did set me up with some cushy bounty hunting contracts, so I guess he’s okay by me. Anyways, I gotta go, I just saw a certain pilot I have to go talk to. ”

Ki-ita Shrym
“Yeah, I knew him. He always came into my shop, looking at stuff he couldn’t afford. Always babbling about how he was going to be a pilot, and save his mom, crap like that. So, just before he left, he comes wandering in, with this big grin on his face, and he’s all “I’m getting off this planet”, and “too bad for the rest of you, better stock up on sunscreen”. Then he said something about building a giant laser and blowing the crap out of Tatooine. There were some Stormtroopers in town looking for some robots. I think his kid might have them. What, you didn’t know he had a son? Sure, he lives up with Owen Lars. It’s pretty obvious really. There’s only like 6 Skywalkers on the whole planet, and the rest of them are black. Ben Kenobi moved not too far from his place. You know, as in Obi Wan Kenobi? Jedi might be masters of the Force, but they suck at fake identities. Anyways, I’m getting out of here, had enough of this place. Think I might have a job lined up with my cousin on Bespin. Quiet there, no government hassles.”

Part two of our series where we recast some of your favorite comic book heroines, and sweep in like superheroes to rescue them from a lackluster performance. Today we will be recasting Spider-Man’s beloved… Mary Jane Watson

MJ, Fashion model, superhero wife, actress, and if the Spider-Man movies are to be believed, whiny self centered bitch….

Who is being replaced?

Kirsten Dunst:

Why they cast a blonde as a redhead and a redhead as a blonde we may never know. In fact, I’m going to go on record as saying Topher Grace as Peter Parker and Bryce Dallas Howard as MJ might have been the more logical casting choice, and let Toby and Kirsten play Eddie and Gwen. What we do know is that despite the fact that… well…she looks good in the rain, Kirsten’s Mary Jane came off as being snippy and selfish. He’s Spider-Man for God’s sake, so what if he missed your damned play? That you sucked at and got replaced in? Boo Hoo…people are getting mugged, buildings are burning down, AND PIZZAS DON’T DELIVER THEMSELVES!!! Maybe it was the fault of the script, but maybe it was the fault of the actress, so just in case let’s get recasting, shall we?

You may have noticed that some of your favorite redheads (Felica Day, Allyson Hannigan, Emmy Rossum, Kari from Mythbusters) Are noticeably absent from the list. That is because lovely as they are, I can’t picture any of them saying “Face it tiger, you just hit the Jackpot” without irony. But these ladies might just be able to pull it off…

Honorable Mentions:

Christina Hendricks.

She might be a touch too curvy (for the part, not for me, I’d like to make that clear) and projects a wisdom beyond her years but I think if a new film was set with a slightly older Peter Parker this could totally work. Works for me at any rate.

Emily Blunt

I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who was disappointed to hear she wasn’t playing the Black Widow, but I think she might lend a touch of class to MJ, especially a period piece 60’s style MJ

Amy Adams

She gets the honorable mention because I think she is quite a good actress, and certainly easy on the eyes…something is not quite right for MJ, maybe she’s a little too bright and sunshiney, but it would be interesting to see her take a crack at it.

Daneel Harris

I haven’t seen enough One Tree Hill to know if she’s really all that good, but I’m prepared to give her a shot based on how much she looks the part. Can you imagine your aunt setting you up with this girl? No wonder Peter is so devoted to Aunt May.

Hey, you know who I DON’T want to play the part?

Laura Prepon. Her entire acting range is “Eric!! What the hell? You Dillhole!” She specializes in various states of annoyance it seems. No thank you.

And the “If I Had a Time Machine” award goes to…

Angie Everhart.

Jackpot, Tiger. Jackpot.

And Now…The Top 3…

#3 Evan Rachel Wood

She’s a stunning, intelligent redhead, who can act, sing (Across the Universe) and likes to date freaks…how much more Mary Jane can you get than that? And speaking of unusual taste in men…

#2 Isla Fisher

I still can’t believe Borat makes sexy time with this woman. I think what would be interesting here is that she has a softer look, she’s still model quality, but still has that “Girl next door” approachability going for her. I could totally see Peter obsessing about this girl his whole life.

And My #1 choice for the recasting of Mary Jane Watson is…

#1 Alicia Witt.

Yes, Alia from Dune grew up rather strikingly. I think I actually read somewhere that she was even offered the part and turned it down, for whatever reason. Regardless of whether or not that is true, she pulls of the model look, while never coming across as vapid or empty. I think the spirit of MJ is every bit as important as the look, and I think she pulls off both masterfully.

So there you have it…Who did I miss? Any more suggestions? Join us next time when we have the temerity to suggest casting an actual Blonde who can ACT in the role of Sue Storm

See you then.

Part one of a series of articles in which the Correctness recasts some our favourite comic book heroines, and reclaims them from some performances that left…some room for improvement. This week, we tackle Superman’s REAL weakness, Ms. Lois Lane.

Who is Being Replaced? Kate Bosworth

Superman Returns was, I think we can all agree, a bit of a misfire. It had a number of problems (Superman lifting a kryptonite continent into the sky after being stabbed by kryptonite being a big one for me) but it had its share of good things too.(Plane sequence was awesome)Many internet pundits complained about Kate Bosworth’s Lois, said she was bland and possessed none of the fire Lois really needs. In a way she became, fairly or unfairly, a microcosm of everyone’s problem with the movie. Pretty, but ultimately empty and unmoving. Personally, I didn’t think she was horrible, but I do think she was miscast. So let’s see if we can do any better…

PLEASE NOTE: I will not be recasting Erica Durance because I do not give a shit about Smallville. There, I said it. The Justice League are not hunky douchebags. Superman 90210 can suck my balls.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Here’s a few people who probably could have done better with the part, but for one reason or another, didn’t quite make the Top 3

Grace Park

If they can cast Kingpin as an African American then I have no problem giving the part of Lois to Grace Park, who has tons of Geek Cred, and displayed plenty of sassy attitude during her run on Battlestar Galactica. She can pull off the action sequences and the romance sequences equally well and I think she’s a great choice for a fresh take on the character.

Jennifer Connolly

She might be a little sick of playing the female love interest for insanely strong beings, but she is a damned good actress and let’s face it, still rather breathtaking. She has the right look for either a period piece (see the Rocketeer) or more contemporary version. Some might argue she is a little old for a “reimagining”, but I think with a good Superman in the same age bracket, we’d have something pretty memorable on our hands.

Natalie Portman

Yes, yes, the nerds and their weird, sick Natalie Portman obsession, but dreadful Star Wars work aside, she can act, she’s smart, sexy, and I can completely buy her charging into deep shit to get the story. She might be a little on the petite side, but I think she makes up for it with pure sass. To be honest with you, I don’t think she would have made my list had it not been for the Natalie Raps thing on SNL. “I never said I was a role model.” That sounds like Lois to me.

The “If I Had A Time Machine Award” goes to…

Pheobe Cates circa 1983

Giggidy.

Giggidy.

Goo.

The downside of course is that a Superman of that era would likely be Matthew Broderick, or worse Arnold Schwartzenegger. On the other hand, I’m sure there would be lots of excuses to put Lois in a bikini. You take the good, you take the bad.

THE TOP THREE

#3 Anne Hathaway

Here she is, the only reason you rented Havoc. She’s been nominated for Oscars, showed us her depth (and a couple of other things) in Brokeback Mountain and Rachel Getting Married, and she has performed as Viola in Shakespeare in the Park in NYC. There is no doubt Ms. Hathaway has the chops, but she’s also got the right look, and Bride Wars aside, her career is white hot right now. She adds a touch of class to even the silliest movies she does, and many a drooling nerd would slap down 15 bucks to see her as Lois.

#2 Zooey Deschanell

I want you all to do me a favour. Go to your local bookstore and hunt around in the bargain bin for a copy of the Secret. Then, follow whatever it tells you about focusing your wishing power to make stuff happen. Then close your eyes and wish like a motherfucker for a stylized 1930’s Fleischer-esque Superman movie starring Jon Hamm and Zooey Deschanell, featuring a tricked out steampunk Brainiac as the villain.

WISH HARDER!!!!!

and my Number 1 Choice for a recast of Lois Lane

#1 Olivia Wilde

Is that, or is that not a face that would bring Superman to his knees? She plays a strong professional woman every week on House, and with that dark hair she almost LOOKS like something out of a Bruce Timm cartoon.
She’s like Megan Fox with 75% more brains and 100% less skank. I mean LOOK at her…

To my mind if she is hot enough to marry a Prince, she is certainly hot enough for Superman.

So, who did I miss? Am I way off? Let me know what you think below, and stay tuned next week when we tackle recasting Mary Jane Watson

LASER SLUTS FROM MARS:

PART VI: THE SEXY WRATH OF THE SPACE TITS UNDERGARMENTS

Juliette set her tea cup down onto the saucer. What had motivated her to use her grandmother’s good china for tea today was beyond simple explanation. Nonetheless, she had been drawn to the good china, and she felt a slight sense of coy scandalousness for having selected it.

She stepped out onto the balcony of the house she could somehow afford, and looked across the lawn to the waterfront . The wind whipped up and pressed coldly against her chest, leaving her with a familiar wistful feeling. Her wavy hair was lightly buffeted by the wind, somehow, because her hair really should have been blowing around quite a bit harder, but that’s bad for the audio.

The Atlantic lapped gently up against the shore, belying the wrath of her water spirit which was usually reserved for cruelest winter. That’s the Atlantic’s water spirit, not Juliette’s. Because, Juliette was a pisces, so she might have a water spirit, but the water spirit of Mother Atlantic is key for the Oprah demographic.

From the wood shed just out of frame- sorry, just at the edge of the water, emerged Daniel. Daniel tugged at the threadbare waistband of his caravan sweater, and pulled it over his head, revealing his impossibly hairless underwear-model body. He cast a sullen and mysterious glance back at Juliette. Was Juliette wrong to have seduced this younger man? Daniel cast his deep blue eyes back upon his axe, and he continued laboriously chopping wood. He worked up a sweat that smelled of sagebrush and cedar, and not at all of ass stench and skanky cheese. The cold wind hardened his nipples to a terrifying diamond sharpness, and the utter lack of body fat on his twenty-something frame only deepened his sullen mysteriousness. Some would argue that an older woman might have some difficulty finding any mysteriousness in a man this young, but Juliette knew the depths of his soul, and knew that this biochemist had only returned to his small hometown to care for the orphaned sea otter cubs.

Daniel put down his axe, and walked in implausible slow motion towards Juliette. Juliette dropped her eyes, and drew her wrap more tightly around her slender frame- A frame which showed no obvious signs of extensive personal trainer effort, largely because she was caked in make up that most preternaturally thin women require to disguise their lack of pleasing curvature.

Daniel drew close to her, flipping his hair out of his face, only to have it fall back again. He stood a head taller than her, except during the kissing scenes, when he was somehow the same height as her.

“Talk to me like the wind”, he said to her, homosexually.

“I have daddy issues.”, she said, truthfully.

For a moment they stood in silence. There was time for that, because this was a Wednesday, or possibly Thursday, but in this place, in this moment, in this burgeoning love, neither one of them had anything better to do, and yet both could still afford to live and eat.

Daniel departed tenderly, like a beef tenderloin might depart, and then he repaired the leak under the bathroom sink without using the appropriate tools. Likely, he would emerge from beneath the sink with a greasy rag in his hands, which he would set on the counter in a motion that would mimic casualness. His shirt would also likely remain off, unless he needed to seem mysterious for some reason, perhaps disguising the scar on his back caused by some childhood abuse from a stranger, and not at all by a family member like the way those sorts of abuses actually occur.

Juliette would later prepare a meal for the two of them, which would end up hilariously wrong. Then, she would dance with Daniel to the sound of some Motown tune that she was inexplicably fond of, despite her so clearly having been raised in the seventies. One thing was certain, the two of them would dance to a song that you used to enjoy until just a moment ago, and they would fall about the floor laughing with youthful abandon. In any case, you will never want to hear that perfectly good Motown song again.

Later still, as the film draws to a close- or the novel- whatever, later still, I will shit blood unceasingly from having experienced this. If I am unlucky, I will return to my apartment and Manswers will be on TV, and the double edged sexist stereotype blade will disembowel me.