Hey kids, Happy New Year and all that jazz. I’m back from vacation in Palm Springs and Mesa, and ready to get going for another year. I see everything went smoothly in my absence… What? No Action Smackdown Final?

Linking the poll at the bottom of the article. You should be able to vote for up to 3 items. If I missed any (pulled these off Wiki), let me know, I will add.

That’s coming this Friday, because I said so. In the meantime, thought we’d look back at the movies of 2011, and yap about those.

Here’s my list of what I saw, and what I thought. My hope is that the other boys will do the same, and you, reader, should also do so in the comments. My REAL hope is that it will spawn an epic discussion, arguments, and someone will get called a cock-nozzle (no fair doing it just because I asked!)

Admin_Rock
My personal list of films viewed in 2011 was a solid C. I missed some of the big ones, and still have no excuse for not having seen them yet, except that at this point, I’m waiting for them to come out on movie channels.

Green Hornet – Wow. What a piece of crap. Gondry is capable of making good movies, but he often stinks the place up. Though the script here was more at fault.

Battle:Los Angeles – I watched about 12 minutes of this, and promptly stopped. Boring, couldn’t bring myself to give a damn.

Paul: Watched this on a plane. It was better than I was expecting. Funny, geeky, I love Simon Pegg.

Suckerpunch: Damn I love this movie. Has that great mix of smarts and splashy. And pretty,pretty girls.

Thor: Thor was….there. Decent enough, but instantly forgettable.

Kung Fu Panda 2: Admin_Rock has a 7 year old, and makes no excuses for going to kids movies. KP2 was actually reall well made, and worth watching. Skidoosh, bitches.

Super 8: Loved it. Homage to Spielberg, so pretty to watch.

Captain America: Fun, different than most Super-hero movies, and very enjoyable.

Crazy Stupid Love: Admin_Rock has a wife and makes no excuses for going to Rom-Coms. This one was really good. That Ryan Gosling, he can do the acting. There’s a scene near the end (should have BEEN the end) of the film where all hell break loose that’s worth the price of admission. Bonus: Emma Stone.

Real Steel: How do you not like a movie about giant robots boxing?

Muppets: Didn’t have the rabid,manic love that many did for this movie, but a solid B. Too much Jason Segal, too much Walter, not enough Muppet moments. But still so worth watching.

For me, the Best of 2011 comes down to Suckerpunch vs Super 8 (which again speaks volumes about my movie watching this year. Now, if you want to compare comic books, I’m your huckleberry, but I was average at best about movies.) So….

Winner: Suckerpunch. It’s the only film on my list that I saw twice in the theatre (both times with RobbieRobTown). It’s a film that many dismiss offhand, but there’s a lot more there, for those that like to dig, and get inside of a film.

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From Cub Reporter Keith

Suckerpunch was easy to dismiss due to the focus on style over substance. But given that I see it as a musical, the Style was the Substance.

I would put it as 2nd Best Genre after my most beloved film of any sort from this year – Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The only film that had me wanting to stay for the next showing the same day. No secret is my love for talking apes movies, and I was so thankful to have such an amazing film join the collection.

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Admin-Rock here. As one of my hobbies is endlessly fiddling with plastic bricks, I tend to spend a lot of time sitting and building. As a result, I watch a LOT of TV and film. I mean a LOT. Seriously, hours and hours of it. Have a guess in your head as to how much… I’ll wait…. NO, WAY MORE then that.

It gets to the point where sometimes I’ll watch things that even remotely catch my fancy. I decided to watch the recent Karate Kid remake with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith. And though this ground has been well covered, I feel compelled to speak out, to warn others before it’s too late for them.

The original Karate Kid came out in 1984, when Admin_Rock was a happy little grade 9 student. It was directed by John G. Alivdsen, and starred… wait, I don’t even have to tell you, because you’ve seen this movie at least a dozen times. Why? Because it was great. It was well paced, interesting, and contained great training sequences and some wonderful cinematography. (Proof: I say, “the crane”, you’re already picturing Daniel standing on a post on the beach, or in a tournament ring. Or maybe standing on the front of a boat at sunset. It’s great stuff, engrained in the memory.)

The remake, released in 2010 was directed by Harald Zwart, famous for such masterpieces as ‘Agent Cody Banks’ and ‘Pink Panther 2′. It’s umm…. it has…. Oh, there was one really nice shot with a woman balancing on a ledge while moving in time with a cobra.

Listen, there’s a thousand things to hate about this remake, but the vast majority of the issues lie with the fact that they took a very well known script, altered it slightly, usually to its detriment, and wrapped it all up with really young kids.

Jaden Smith is fine in the role. He works hard, and apart from 1) noting how much he reminds you of his dad, and 2) being creeped out by bodybuilding shots of a 12yr old, I have no issues with him.

Jackie Chan is one of my favorite action stars. He does things that are boggling to the mind, and makes it look effortless. He’s okay in this movie. Not awesome, just ok.

The “fish out of water”-ness is moved to China, which I’m not sure helps the plot at all. On one hand, we have our main character “Dre” who has no friends or support at all, which is good. On the other hand, most viewers will also be new to all this, which makes it trickier to explain everything and have comfortable with the setup. It also takes away the mystique of the ‘Miyagi’ character (here Mr Han). We have no problem believing Jackie Chan is a badass Kung Fu guy. When Pat Morita took down the Cobra Kai skeletons that dark night, it was much more of a surprise.

The age of the characters is a BIG problem. While we were able to get involved with Daniel and his high school problems (dating, being an outsider, etc), these characters are too young for us to have any spark with a romance, and the ‘evil kid’ (while excellent at looking evil) seems a bit farcical. Though it is fun to watch Jackie Chan do Jackie Chan type fighting using 12 year olds to club other 12 year olds.

The Cobra-Kais are all 12, and thus, the fact that they follow their cold, dark leader is not as interesting either. The scene in the dojo is flat and lifeless, and seems to be there simply because the original guys did it first. At the end, there is a change of heart, based on exactly nothing other than that it has to happen. (It doesn’t really, the film ends moments after the tournament, it’s not needed.)

The plot beats are exactly the same as the original, except that none of them have any emotional weight. We know that Mr. Han’s family died, yadda yadda, it’s his fault, etc. But we just shrug our shoulders and move on. Because this version doesn’t really give a crap about that character, except as a foil for Dre. Jackie does the best he can, but he doesn’t have much to work with. We just don’t have any reason to care about these characters. We don’t have the deep bonding that Daniel and Miyagi had. This is a strictly business relationship.

Again, I’m not a script writer, but I’ve seen enough to know how to structure a story, and what works.In a lot of ways, this movie can be held up as a prime example of what happens when Hollywood tries to remake a popular movie without bothering to understand why it was popular. Neither Ralph Macchio nor Pat Morita were big stars, nor were they the kids of big stars (oh, and reallllly looks like Daddy bought a film for his kid here folks). Hell, there isn’t even any Karate in the movie. They practice Kung Fu. Why not call it “The Kung Fu Kid”? We all know why. Because they’d lose the name recognition that Karate Kid has. So it’s a pretty cynical move going in, and rarely raises above that.

I’m thinking of showing both versions to my 7 yr old to see what he thinks. I suspect he’ll like the 2010 better, as the hero is closer to his age. But I secretly hope he’s caught some film critic genes from his dad and will opt for Daniel and Miyagi.

It seems that Eddie Murphy, in a show of solidarity for a douchebag will no longer be hosting the Oscars.

I can’t say that I’m sad, especially after last years debacle. Thanks Academy, for dragging my beloved Anne Hathaway through the mud with your crappy writing and pairing her up with a stoned co-star who apparently thought he was supposed to host it ironically.

Alright fine, maybe she wasn’t really up for it either, but damned if she didn’t look good trying. It’s like I said before…nobody had looked that good on a sinking ship since Kate Winslet in Titanic.

"That's Bullshit...quit playing around that is NOT the actual script... go get the REAL script you guys

Let me help you out with a list of names I posted on facebook after that first disaster, just as a friendly reminder. You don’t have to drag poor Billy Crystal out of retirement…there’s plenty of good talent around. So for your consideration…

(Feel free to mix and match these hosts, there could be some good combos here!)

1. Tina Fey

This is called "TFeyBinnsing"

- Just adding her to the writing process would make the whole thing 10 times better. You still have the eye candy, she’s got great timing and comes from an improv background so she’s fast on her feet and knows how to keep a show rolling.

2. Steve Carell -

Probably make a great partner for Tina if you thought she needed one. Has a great deadpan, has been hilarious on many an award show before. and It’s not like he’s busy with a TV show right now.

3. Craig Ferguson

- Stop worrying about whether or not people will understand the accent, nobody understood Kirk Douglas, that didn’t seem to bother you any. Craig keeps it free and loose and funny 5 days a week. He is one of the BEST talk show hosts out there today

4. Neil Patrick Harris.

He’s already got Emmy’s and Tony’s under his belt…give him his Award Show Host EGOT. It would be Legen…wait for it…dery.

5. Justin Timberlake

Tbinnsin for the Ladies, y’all!

If you insist on young and hip…try for someone who is actually pretty funny. For a boy band reject.

Oh Robbie RobTown I’m glad you’re here we need an undercard for…waaaaiiit a minute…

6. Sandra Bullock

- Both times I’ve seen her at the oscars she seems funny, relaxed and totally cool. Plus she’s one of the biggest stars in Hollywood

7. Patton Oswalt-

Okay that’s the real longshot… Yes, he looks like Toad from the John Byrne X-Men, but you aren’t going to find a bigger movie buff to host.

8. Conan O Brien

…yes he would bring nothing but goofiness to the proceedings but has it occurred to you that you are probably taking yourself a bit too seriously anyway? Conan might just be what you need.

9. Ricky Gervais.

Whatsamatter academy…chicken?

So there you go. Nine just off the top of my head. Remember COMEDIANS FIRST before you go tarnishing the sterling reputations of girls who have large pretty Disney Princess eyes. And for God’s sake FIRE Bruce Valanche!

Add yours to the list below.

Normally, The Correctness is an original content only kind of site, and we aren’t the sort to get all link happy. But I think this is a special occasion.

The Avengers trailer just hit.

I think this is an excellent opportunity for all of us Correct heads to get together and have a good old gab about what we think of it. I am particularly looking forward to Admin_Rock’s take on it, as he will be torn between his dislike of the Avengers and his love of Joss Whedon.

As for myself…Fucking LOVED it.

So what do you guys and gals think?

Last week, The Correctness decided to address a recurring complaint: “You guys never write stuff for women”. This is clearly false, as RobbieRobTown’s regular missives to specific women, and at least one issue of the Casting Couch will demonstrate. However, to be good and fair minded, we decided to address the situation. We looked to some of the biggest movie events aimed at women of the last few years, “Eat Pray Love” and “Sex and the City 2″, and decided to write a review. Tbinns was waylaid by some Indian food thing (the cooking of, not distress caused by), so it was left to RRT and I to man up and get feminine. (I’m already envisioning the remark spcMike just made.)

I previewed the first 3 minutes of “Sex and the City 2″, and found myself utterly unprepared. RobbieRobTown was in favour of “Eat Pray Love”. I warned him that it would likely contain at least 3 incidences of the Julia Roberts “bellowing laugh”, and that sometimes she’s capable of opening her mouth so wide, you feel compelled to move toward the screen in an attempt to walk into it, but he would not be swayed. And so it was that we sat down, notepads in hand, and began a journey that would last 32 hours. Or at least it seemed that long.

Admin_Rock

First up, there are no spoiler warnings here. “Eat, Pray, Love” pretty much gives it all up in the title. It’s like if the movie Se7en had been called “Gwenyth Paltrow’s Head is in the Box”.

For a movie that is over 2 hours long, the director decides to spend all of two and half minutes letting us know that Julia is not married, but not happy. She tells us she is “in serious trouble!”, that “the only thing more impossible than leaving was staying” and that “there can be only one!”.

She can’t take her normal life with Billy Crudup one minute longer. He dares to tell her he’s thinking about going back to school, and that is the last straw. How dare he change his mind about something and want to try something new, or not know what he wants!!! (oh wait…)

She leaves Billy (probably the only character in the film I liked), and shacks up with James Franco, an actor in a play she wrote. The film shows us a performance in which a couple gets up and leave. I wanted to do the same, but I’m tougher than that. I stuck it out. Things got a little tough, but I figured it out, and didn’t quit.

Julia moves in with James Franco, who is all crazy about the yoga and gurus. She spends time languishing there as well, looking through her box of travel brochures. In fact, Julia spends a lot of time checking out her box in this film.

So, she heads to Italy, and it’s all scooters, spaghetti, jeans, scooters, spaghetti, wine. Seriously, if you have like a weird food fetish thing where watching people eat spaghetti turns you on, this is freaking Nirvana for you. Eventually there is a Thanksgiving scene, and then she heads to India.

We cut to a cab weaving through traffic (hee, I accidentally wrote ‘a cub weaving through traffic’, which would have been an awesome visual) , and I am almost certain that Jason Bourne will pop up any second…. still waiting. She ends up at an Ashram, where she prays a lot, mops floors, and well… okay, seriously, I got boooooooooored by this part of the film, and skipped ahead a lot. Something about a dude from Texas who can’t forgive himself and a something about a rogue elephant. As neither of them really do much other than stand near Julia Roberts, who gives a crap.

So, with the Eating and the Praying done, it’s time for some Lovin! Off to Bali. Julia breaks all the rules, photocopies stuff she shouldn’t, and gets in a knife fight with Javier Bardem. Well, no. Javier Bardem cries a lot, and hugs his son. There’s a lot of uncertainty about whether Julia will return to New York, or take on the mantle of the ‘Last Samurai’. Okay, no, but fuck that would have been awesome. Instead, there’s more hand wringing about whether she should go back or stay with Javier. We get a flashback to Billy Crudup, who has met a woman and had a baby. We don’t get to see whether she too decides to flee from him.

Quick summary: WTF??? Italy looks nice, India looks crowded and hot, Bali looks tropical, Javier Bardem on a boat, this thing is done.

RobbieRobTown:

Watching this film gave me lice.

I don’t understand why it is that we, the audience, can relate to this lady. Her husband seems like a nice fellow, plus he is smart and handsome. Why is she leaving him? Is it because he becomes Doctor Manhattan later? Does he already have a blue penis? Has Billy Cruddup ever had a pleasant on-screen relationship? (Answer: I don’t care to know. I have lice to worry about now.)

Nobody in this film is listens to anyone else. Is this a type of sociopathy? Protip for screenwriters: If you are writing an adaptation from a novel, it is not wise to randomly select lines of dialogue from the book based on which ones contain the most inexplicable metaphors. A string of metaphors does not a conversation make.  Shaka, when the walls fell.

That was a fancy continuous shot moving from one conversation to the other, but if you walk past James Franco while you are talking about him, he can hear you. He is not deaf- Or maybe he is, which is perhaps why none of the characters respond to the others?  Nobody speaks in dialogue in this film- It’s a series of short monologues… Like the vagina monologues, only more vaginal. In fact, this whole film is like Georgia O’Keefe gave up on “flowers” and started trying to reveal the beauty of the asshole.

“You remember a couple of years ago when you threw yourself into the renovations of your kitchen? You were completely consumed.”  Fuck. Right. Off. That is so retarded on so many levels that I don’t know where to start. Was it the kitchen renovations that made Billy Cruddup develop a blue penis?

About 15 minutes into this film, I think I shat a puke. How is that possible? Do women worry that men will consider this film to be a case study in feminine behaviour? Don’t worry, women, we don’t. This film no more explains Womankind than Manswers explains the heart of masculinity.

Julia Roberts is an alcoholic. How is this a spiritual journey? Is her rapidly worsening eating disorder also a spiritual journey? Why does her food squirt a money shot in slow motion? Was there not enough penis in the film? Is it the sexualized food which causes her to become addicted to it? Is this an AXE body spray commercial? If Julia Roberts ate all the food she appears to be eating, she might gain some weight. Wouldn’t that be nice? 15 pounds of plump would be really helpful on her.

Julia Robert’s spends a lot of time in the film trying to figure out what the “words” for people and places are. “What is the word for Rome?” Answer: The word for Rome is BORED. The word for India is also bored. Now Julia Roberts is mopping the floor in India. Do not mop with your hands, Julia. Mop with your spirit. What is this? You received a promotion at the Ashram! Your got a volunteer position promotion. That is interesting, I guess, if you are a 17 year old mormon missionary. You are not. I wonder if you know how a “plot” works. No, no, bear with me, because I don’t think you do. What happens in a plot is that a series of interesting events take us on a narrative journey. The promotion at your volunteer job is not a plot point. It is normal and dull, and does not affect the audience at all. It is a kitchen renovation- The kind where you are not consumed unless you are an asshole, which, on further thinking, you are.

The word for Bali is: ”One act romantic comedy that should have taken place entirely here”. Sadly, Javier Bardem doesn’t make Julia Robert’s flip a coin for her life. I would have flipped a coin for my own life by the 2 hour point of this film. I still wake up screaming a week after watching this movie. The dialogue is as motivated as an episode of Family Guy, except without the attempt at humour. If I wanted to get raped, I would have gone traveling by myself.

As we prep for the big non-super action movie hero Smackdown, there was some discussion about the line John McClane says in the screen classic Die Hard 2: Die Harder, “How can the same s*** happen to the same guy twice?” and if in fact the same thing continues to happen for the next two installments or if it was two of the one thing, then two somewhat different things.

This led to a free-form Round Table discussion of Die Hard.

Cub Reporter Keith

My opinion is that the “same s***” mentioned by officer McClane is being alone+no one believing him+terrorists which would mean same thing twice, slightly different thing two more times. Having taken this time to think critically about the series I began thinking of how awesome Die Hard was and how disappointing I found “Die Hard and the Crystal Skull” or whatever the fourth one was.

How do I go about critiquing one of my favorite film franchises? Die Hard has been in my top 5 favorite films of all time since first released decades ago. When renting films, my brothers and I would rent Die Hard at least once a month. It was the first film I owned on VHS and among the first on DVD then Blu-Ray.

The only solution to such emotionally charged analysis – math.

As is clear from the above graph, the declining quality of the Die Hard franchise is directly correlated to the amount of Reginald Veljohnson and Yippi-kay-yay motherf***ers included. Also, the most important factor can be shown to be the lack of Kevin Smith in the earlier films.

By this we can infer a) the law of diminishing returns, b) I quite like doing graphs, c) John McClane is better when he swears and d) Kevin Smith sucks.

Admin_Rock

Love me some Die Hard. I remember seeing the first film in the theatre, for two reasons: 1) The sound was cranked way the f*&^ up, and that was awesome and painful. 2) One of the girls with us spoke German, and translated everything the blonde dudes said.

Loved Die Hard, Liked Die Harder a lot, DHwaV was pretty damn good too, and (full disclaimer with shame) didn’t see LFoDH. In my head, it’s not reaaaaaaly a sequel. I stand to be corrected.

The original argument started with a discussion of how many times the same thing happened to the same guy. I contend that while there are 4 Die Hard films, really only the first two are similar. They both have the “right guy in the wrong place at the wrong time” motif. DHwaV also shows the adventures of John McClane, but it’s a different beast. It’s a buddy movie, and it takes us to a number of locations. I seem to remember something about one of the puzzles actually being incorrect, but I will have to rewatch before I can comment.

No matter how you slice it, McClane is a bad-ass, and will be tricky to beat in the impending Smackdown. He’s the full package: smart, fast, inventive, and lucky.

RobbieRobTown

What I remember most about the Die Hard franchise is the gruff demeanour of Bruce Willis set against the tough-but-vulnerable Cybill Shepherd. I tuned in every week to watch new episodes of Die Hard, and see the fruits of their careful detective work- not to mention the romance!

Perhaps it is a bit ironic that I say this, but my favourite Die Hard movie is probably the one where John McClane is an ex-space marine who lands in a whole heap of trouble just as an orange -haired Milla Jovovich lands in the back seat of his hovercab! There are some memorable explosions at the airport.

I thought the spin-off movie franchise where Bruce Willis moves to a new town as a hard-edged journalist named “Murphy Brown” was somewhat less inspired. I did, however , enjoy “Die Hard VII: Kate and Allie” immensely.

TBINNS

I’m gonna go with two and a half times. Once in Die Hard, Once in Die Harder, and although the third one was a scavenger hunt for bombs with Samuel L. Jackson, he was still dealing with terrorists who were actually sophisticated thieves in disguise. That counts as a half. I have no idea who was in Live Free or Die Hard, but it sure as hell wasn’t John McCLane. John McCLane swears. People bleed when John McCLane shoots them. John McCLane does not buddy around with the “I’m an Mac” guy and Kevin Smith trying to stop Seth Bullock from committing cyber crime. It’s a well known fact that it was actually a completely different script before McCLane was shoe horned in there to try and make it a Die Hard movie. It shows. You can’t just cram John McCLane into other movies willy nilly and expect it to be a Die Hard movie.

Or can you?

Die Hard of the Rings

Die Hard the Barbarian

The Die Hardover

Die Hard the Pooh

No. No you really can’t.

Intern Benji

I remember Die Hard. I saw it on TBS when I was hanging out with a girl…who later let me have sex with her. This started my keen interest in girls…especially the having sex with them part, which is a pursuit I have devoted my life to, instead of…oh, I don’t know…making charts about shitty generic action movies.

Thank Christ this summer is almost over. If it wasn’t for porn, you guys would have almost managed to put me off the internet entirely.

Planet of the Apes Film Fests

Full disclosure: I love talking ape movies. I absolutely love them. The only reason I’m unsure on the up-coming Planet of the Apes prequel/reboot/reimagining/possible bastardization is that the apes don’t talk. I had even begun the research to study the Planet of the Apes films as my PhD thesis when I abandoned academia. I adore these films.

Last year when a friend of mine invited me over to watch a film on his mondo-fantabulous home entertainment setup, he told me to pickup a blu-ray of whatever I wanted for my first HD giant screen experience and I chose the 1968 Planet of the Apes with Chuck Heston. I didn’t have to buy it though, I had purchased the Apes original series blu-ray boxed set months before owning a player.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes (the last of the original films) is the second most-purchased film in my collection having had it on vhs, 2 versions on dvd and then blu-ray (the first is Die Hard which I had to replace on vhs). And it’s my least favorite!

I thought about doing “A Case for…” but then I thought “screw that! This is Planet of the freakin’ Apes and you like it or I don’t even want know you!” Instead I put together a series of viewing parties that present the films and related content as a variety of experiences.

All told there were 5 original films (POTA, Beneath the POTA, Escape From the POTA, Conquest of the POTA and Battle for the POTA), a half-season TV series, a half-season animated series, the Tim Burton Remake and the up-coming Prequel. Option 1 is spoiler-free, the rest are not.

1) The Classic: 1,2,3,4,5

As originally released, this is the most popular viewing order. You get the two highest-budget films and both Heston appearances at the top. This is the order that is for the newbie and I warn you that you will lose attention as it gets to the last film.

My personal fav of the series is 4 and I find it difficult to keep going into that last one. The budget on 5 was not much more than that of a TV movie and it shows. Watching on blu-ray and a big screen you will start having the uninitiated questioning the make-up effects by 2. To cut costs, background apes were given pull-over masks instead of make-up but the wonders of 1080 make these cut corners obvious.

2) The Chronological: 3,4,5,1,2 or 3,4,1,2

The order for those who have already seen the series and want a different experience. This version puts the films in chronological order from the perspective of the apes. 3 opens with the three apes crash-landing on earth in the 1970s and telling our world a wild tale about war, a rebellious ape, and the final fate of some missing astronauts.

We watch as the apes take over our world and the human race becomes a slave species. We jump ahead 2,000 years to see the ultimate destiny of our world. Not nearly as hopeful a tale, it is my preferred viewing order.

The screenwriter of 4 was told it would be the final in the series so he created a story that would close it up as a loop. It works well to watch them that way and makes more narrative sense.

You’ve been through the series but still want more talking apes? Well there are the live-action and animated TV series. Both lasted less than half a season though and neither has an ending.

The live-action has it’s moments, and there is an episode with Marc “Beastmaster” Singer. The animated series features characters from 1 and 2 but doesn’t quite fit into the timeline set out in those films.

4) The Tim-Burton-is-All-Style-and-No-Substance: Remake and hopefully not Prequel

Tim Burton’s 2001 remake of POTA is a testament to how he just puts stuff together that looks impressive and doesn’t pay much attention to coherency, plot, characters, etc. It was an early sign of what post-Alice In Wonderland many more people have accepted – he’s a bit shite.

That said, it sure does look pretty. I got the blu-ray for $10 which I thought was fair for the best-looking talking apes so far. The ending will likely confuse and you will be left wondering what it meant. Well look no further than the commentary track by Burton who tells you with all pride that it means … absolutely nothing. He just thought it was an interesting visual and had no concern for the complete failure of the film to close on any sensible note.

5) Theoretical Trilogy: Prequel,1,2,3

If the prequel plays out like I think it might, it will make a new viewing order that is closer to the history told in 3 by Cornelius. I have heard rumour that the prequel will include the infamous first “no” which would drop it into the series fairly well (though I’m assuming that the prequel won’t reference the time-travelling apes of 3).

6) The Long-Staycation: The whole thing. 3,4,5,TV,1,2,Animated,Remake,Prequel,that episode of The Simpsons where Troy McClure is in POTA:The Musical, the fan-edit of POTA that makes it a Twilight Zone episode, and the grown-ups-only XXX parody Playmate of the Apes

As I said, the live-action and animated don’t fit easily into the series, but the original films had quite a few contradictions too so it can be forgiven. The biggest negative is that you get the best stuff early.

There is some very cool apes side content. The Simpsons bit was great (and I just found out there are magnets of those characters which is on my ebay wishlist now). POTA was written by Rod Serling and a clever fan made a terrific fanedit of the film that cuts it to 20-odd minute Twilight Zone episode, black-and-white including opening narration and credits.

And not for all ages is the 2002 porn parody Playmate of the Apes. It was shot mostly outside and the apes live in what looks like a 1970s basement rec room. No talking apes are involved in the *ahem* action. It isn’t art, but it makes more narrative sense than the Burton film so it gets its place.

With the prequel still to come, these may have to be revised. The trailer looks good and I am a Franco fan so fingers crossed.

Get your stinkin’ paws on some damned ape movies.

Keith works in marketing, which isn’t nearly as evil as you think it is, and is wicked smart. Follow him on Twitter as CubReporterK.

He didn’t do any we-don’t-call-it-TBinnsing-anymore photos in this piece because the hottest woman in the whole series is Helena Bonham-Carter who looks like this:

I guess there’s Estella Warren in the remake, if she’s your type of girl.

And the first two films have Linda “You have one line in two films, let’s see if you can get it right this time” Harrison.

So last night I went and saw X-men First Class, which, may I just take a moment to say, was Awesomesauce.

AWESOMESAUCE – adj. 1.) The state of being so awesome you make your own gravy. 2) The preferred topping on an awesomesundae.

A big reason First Class works is Michael Fassbender, who despite having an accent that wandered more than the Littlest Hobo, was fantastic, believable and yes even sympathetic as Magneto. It was a fall from grace super villain origin that worked on just about every level, and it made me think of a very similar fall from grace in a prequel that really didn’t. I refer of course to “Bring It On 4: The Bringitonenning”. But it also reminded me of Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side in the Star Wars prequels. Here we have two classic mega villains who are universally loved and embraced by the geek community, who hit a LOT of the same touchstones on their way to villainhood, but one worked and one makes us cringe and whine and bitch on the internet. Why is that? Well, I’ll tell you…

BE WARNED: I’ll be talking about plot details in First Class quite a lot, so if you haven’t seen First Class yet, a) Go already, what the hell is wrong with you? and b) there will be spoilers here.

1) Mommy Dearest.

In both cases, the young budding villains lose their respective mothers, which causes them to lose their shit. Anakin cuts down an entire colony of Sandpeople, Erik crushes Nazi helmets with Nazi skulls still in them, and mentally rearranges a torture room to more accurately reflect his state of mind.

The difference is in context. Anakin has a vague feeling that something is wrong. He goes back to Tatooine, finds his already dying mother and takes out a bunch of sandpeople we never knew or cared about. Why do sandpeople capture and torture humans? How can that possibly help them survive in the harsh desert of Tatooine? There is no motive, they pop in to serve the story, and leave it just as quickly. We don’t care that he killed them all anymore than we care about the stormtroopers that die. It has no emotional weight. We shrug it off the same way Padme does.

Erik was THERE. He saw it happen. It was cold, calculated and cruel, and his rage is justifiable. Already there are stakes, and it serves not only to get a greater understanding of where Magneto is coming from…but what makes Shaw tick as well. Even though he is just a young boy, we can already see hints of what he will eventually become. Anakin?

Not so much.

And when Erik crushes a room with his mind, we feel the anguish, and the devastation. He just lost his whole world in an instant because he couldn’t move a coin. Do we get that when Vader decides to crush a room with his mind? Let’s ask the man himself.

Hey Darth, does this scene have any emotional depth at all?

Is it any way believable?

Is there any way a Star Wars fan won’t be horribly embarrassed by this scene?

Is George Lucas going to give me my money back?

I didn’t think so.

2. The Mentor Tormentor

Curse you George Lucas....Curse YOU!!!

In both instances, our heroes have good in them (That others can sense, conveniently enough, Thanks Charles and Luke) but are ultimately corrupted by an Evil Mentor. As Erik so aptly put it “I’m Frankenstein’s Monster… and I’m looking for my creator.” First Class starts this corruption from Erik’s childhood, with Shaw teaching him the hard way that rage and pain and anger will make him powerful. The Emperor essentially teaches Vader the same thing but in a more offhand way. He mentions the death of his mother, but he didn’t actually kill her. He implies that he MIGHT be able to save Padme (From what? a bad dream that Anakin is having?) Apparently that is enough. Up to this point, Anakin is essentially good. He’s petulant…a little arrogant…but nothing to suggest he’s ready to full on embrace evil. Then, he makes a snap decision. Mace Windu dies, and Anakin, this good person, is suddenly ready to murder a bunch of children, no questions asked.

Okay, I'll join the darkside, but only if I get to where cool contact lenses

Erik is corrupted by hate from the very beginning. It’s what sustains him. Even when working with Charles it consumes him. He knows deep inside that the man who he hates so much has made him into what he is today, and by the end, he accepts that, and becomes Magneto. He isn’t even at odds with Shaw philosophically…and he takes up his mantle (and his helmet)…but he is the master now, and it won’t do to have the man who killed his mother alive. The tragedy here is the friendship that he sacrifices (His ONLY close friend, really) for his cause… to ensure freedom and prosperity for his kind. The very best villains are the ones with understandable motivations, ones who THINK they are doing the right thing… and in Magneto’s place I’m not sure I wouldn’t do the same.

3)Casting.

this is a cardboard cut out. Or is it?

Let’s be fair and say that George Lucas dialog is a tough thing to do believably…it takes a special kind of talent to get a mouthful of cheese out without looking like a complete ass. But that said…you could have kept looking, George. You settled…and in settling helped permanently damage one of the great iconic movie villains of our time. Hayden Christianson’s eyes look dead bored, he mumbles and whines, and he does little to make us feel anything.

Fassbender on the other hand, maintains his Connery cool while still letting us see why he is the way he is. The scene where Charles taps into his memories to find a happy one, to give him the serenity he needs to control his power is simple and beautiful. The camera stays on Fassbenders face, a memory of lighting candles with his mother imposed over it and a single tear rolls down. Then Charles, having shared the memory, wipes one away himself. It’s beautifully acted, simple and moving.

Anakin has a temper tantrum about how Obi Wan is holding him back.

Ugh.

4) Fulfilling Destiny

Although ideally we should feel for the fallen hero…some part of us is excited that he has become the villain we all love to hate. One of the first acts our new villain does is bust a telepath out of jail to replace the one he had. It’s smart, dramatic and there is no question that Erik is gone and Magneto is here to stay. And he rocks the helmet.

To paraphrase Patton Oswalt…“Yeah at the end, Darth Vader’s just kinda looking at the Death Star and he’s all sad.” Is that any way to give birth to the greatest screen villain of our time?

So there you have it. They both lost their moms, crush rooms with their minds, turn their back on their friends and wear goofy helmets… but that is definitely where the similarities end.

So do yourself a favour go see X-men First Class, which is, I think the best X-men movie yet. Or at the very least…read this again.

Stay tuned next week for the Beast versus Ewok Smackdown.

Why Puny Humans no leave Hulk Reboot Alone?

As part of our continuing service to you, The Correct, we continually find things for you to be in favour of. In our crazy, fast paced, webmanic society, it’s easy to miss something. Our “A Case For” series presents something (a TV show, film, Book, Band etc) that might deserve a look.
Our first installment “A Case For: Farscape” was presented by one of our regular readers, and we encourage that sort of behavior. If you have something you’d like to make a case for, write it up and send it to us at admin@thecorrectness.com . See the end of the article for more info.
This week, we bring you A Case for “The Incredible Hulk” Louis Letterier’s 2008 reboot, brought to you by Tbinns

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In 2003 we got a Hulk movie by Ang Lee, an enormously gifted film maker. It was what I like to refer to as a bold and magnificent failure. It was less a comic book movie and more a two plus hour haiku about anger. I appreciated the fact that it was taken seriously. I appreciated the effort the cast put in. I appreciated the fact that it was trying to add psychological depth.I appreciated Jennifer Connelly. In fact let’s all take a moment to appreciate Jennifer Connolly…

Tbinnsing, y’all

But “Hulk” was ultimately a mess. Hulk Poodles? Nick Nolte is Bruce’s dad, who kinda becomes the absorbing man, and then they have a cloudy confrontation at the end? Ugggh. No wonder Marvel wanted a reboot.

And so… with a collective rolling of the public’s eyes, Marvel set out to do the Hulk right. Unfortunately the general public had already been bitten once, and were not too keen to give The Ever Lovin Hulk a second chance. They still had fresh memories of not enjoying the last one. Consequently, 2008’s “The Incredible Hulk” got short shrift and is generally regarded as Marvel Studios worst effort.

I have been a Hulk fan since childhood. Who didn’t fantasize about sending their playground tormentors running as you Hulked out and smashed the jungle gym to splinters? (No? Just me? Fair enough). And as a fan with anger issues I have to say I dug the HELL out of the Incredible Hulk. More than Iron Man 2. More than Thor even. I maintain that if THIS movie came out first, it would be held in much higher regard by the public. So in the midst of a superhero heavy summer, I urge you to give The Incredible Hulk a second look. And here is why…

1. Edward Norton

The problem with Bana, I think was that he looked like a hero to begin with. He was definitely a leading man type. I have always pictured Banner to be a weedy little scientist with a desperate and haunted look in the eye. A brilliant man who wants nothing more than to eliminate the possibility of hurting anyone, especially those he loves. Norton played this perfectly… a man on the run from himself and the military machine who wants to use him as a weapon. Norton captured the intensity, the loneliness, the inherent decency, and yes even the sense of humor perfectly. Bana was definitely good…but Norton was better

2. The Fight scenes

Let’s get the big complaint out of the way…Of course the CGI looks fake. It’s a giant green man. It is NEVER going to look photo realistic…it’s so outlandish the human eye rejects it almost immediately upon seeing it. If you can’t let that go you have no business going to see a Hulk movie in the first place. This was a meaner leaner Hulk that kicked some serious ass. Exhibit A) The fight sequence on the Campus. Hulk versus the Super Soldiered Blonsky. We got a real glimpse of what Cap vs. Hulk might look like on the big screen and it was awesome.

And the best part was the delightful little button right on the end…

The Hulk is about to put the "boot" in "reboot"

“Oh it looks soo fake and rubbery!!!!” comes the cry from the internet.

Here’s an extra big slice of “Shut the Fuck up, it’s fun” for you, then.

And exhibit B) The big fight at the end…Hulk and Abomination, knocking the living shit out of each other as it should be. Not enveloped in a cloud that wants his anger and ultimately can’t handle it (again, what the fuck?) Just two gamma radiatiated gentlemen working out their differences , using police cars as boxing gloves, and destroying half a city while doing so. I’m not huge fan of the DESIGN on the Abomination…but clearly THAT was the villain the movie needed, and the fight it needed. Like I suggested in my “How to make a Superman Movie” article, our hero needs to face something bigger, stronger, and meaner, and defeat it using determination, guts and brains.

And the theatre audience I saw it with cheered like crazy when he said “Hulk Smash!”

3. It Fits Seamlessly into the Marvel Universe

I actually quite like the little Easter eggs linking the Marvel movies together and this one sowed plenty of seeds to make it fit into the bigger picture. We saw the origin of the Leader, Stark Military technology, Super Soldier serum in action and of course the now traditional post credit sequence. And if the film hadn’t been cut quite so frantically, we might have even seen a glimpse of Cap himself. Unlike some of the bits in Iron Man 2, most of this is worked in very cleverly and without a heavy hand. There’s even a couple of nods to the TV show for a few sharp eyed viewers

4. Liv Tyler in Tina Fey Glasses

Mmmmm. Betty-licous

5. General “Thunderbolt” Ross is a Douche…As He Should Be

The casting of Sam Elliot as General Thunderbolt Ross was kind of a stroke of genius, but ultimately there is always going to be something sympathetic and noble about a Sam Elliot character. And indeed, in this case, Ross was a man whose priorities were to keep his daughter, and the civilian population safe, even if that meant locking Banner away for life in a bunker. And while that does take the character out of the realm of cartoon bad guy…I’m not sure that is the right call. I prefer the idea of Hurt’s General Ross, a die hard military opportunist, looking to exploit the Hulk for his own nefarious purposes, willing to endanger his soldiers with unproven enhancement drugs , and his daughter by using her as bait. General Ross is a slimy bastard, and William Hurt made him suitably oily

As we come to the Avengers movie next year we will be on our third cinematic interpretation of the Hulk in less than 10 years. We have yet another Bruce Banner and probably yet another CGI Hulk design. Personally, I don’t think it is necessary. I think the 2008 reboot is a gem, with some awesome action sequences, some good acting, some great shots (The pan up the slums of Portugal is fantastic)and more importantly it was true to the character and FUN. Do you hear me Ang Lee? FUN!! And how many of our fellow internet shut ins bitch about wasting time on Superhero origin stories? This one didn’t waste any time on that…it was all taken care of neatly and effectively in the credits. And yet, people still bitch… I say to them that The Incredible Hulk is not the Abomination (Ha! Word play Liz Lemon!) that they think it is, and they need to give it a repeat viewing.
Now excuse me , I’m going to go put on my Hulk Hands and frighten the neighborhood children.

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If you have a show or film or book or band you’d like to make a case for, we’d love to hear from you. Read the rules below, and drop us a line.
The rules:
1) Give us 5 good reasons we should care, or watch, or listen etc. Make them compelling. Remember, you’re trying to sell this to us, and our readers.
2) Send pictures along with the article. Admin_rock doesn’t like to work harder than he has to, so be sure to send pics, or links to pics in the article.

Admin_Rock here. One of our regular contributors, cub reporter Keith brings us an exclusive interview with a completely made up Robert Redford. Enjoy!

Me: I just saw your new film, The Conspirator, about the trial of the conspirators in the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. I enjoyed it. Except for the …
Redford: IT WAS A METAPHOR!!!
M: Ya, I got that.
R: FOR THE PATRIOT ACT AND POST 9/11 ATTACKS ON THE CONSTITUTION
M: Yes, that was pretty clear.
R: I KEPT IT SUBTLE.
M: Not even a little. But moving on…
R: SO YOU UNDERSTOOD THE METAPHOR?
M: Yes.
R: IT WAS A CAREFULLY DESIGNED SUBTEXT.
M: I wouldn’t call it subtext, I think it was just text.
R: PEOPLE WILL RECOGNIZE THE METAPHOR LATER.
M: …um.. ya.. anyway, you chose to depict the government and President Johnson as pre-arranging the verdict of the trial.
R: JUST LIKE WITH THE TRIALS AFTER 9/11. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
M: No idea what you mean. But you left out that a few years later President Johnson pardoned 3 of them.
R: THE FIX WAS IN! THE PRESIDENT WAS IN ON IT!
M: So Dr Mudd’s name is mud again. Moving on, how did you prepare for making the movie?
R: I READ A LOT OF BOOKS ABOUT THE TRIAL.
M: I’m betting that’s not true.
R: AND I READ ONE CALLED “THE TRIAL OF THE CONSPIRATORS IN THE DEATH OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS JUST LIKE AFTER 9/11″
M: …and that one is just made up.
R: I WANTED TO MAKE ANOTHER COURT ROOM MOVIE BECAUSE I LOVED MAKING “THE VERDICT”
M: That was Paul Newman
R: REALLY?
M: A lot of people make that mistake.
R: TOWERING INFERNO?
M: Newman and Steve McQueen.
R: HOW ABOUT “BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID”?
M: You were both in that.
R: WHICH ONE WAS I?
M: No one ever cared. I don’t think as even important when you were watching the movie.
R: CAN I HAVE MY PUDDING?
M: Sure.
R: THE PUDDING IS ALSO A METAPHOR!!
M: No, it’s butterscotch. Thanks for your time.
R: THE CONSPIRATOR IS IN THEATRES NOW.

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Keith works in marketing, which isn’t nearly as evil as you think it is, and is wicked smart. He fought the urge to add any TBinns’ing to this article despite the film featuring Evan Rachel Wood, Alexis Bledel and Robin Wright. Follow him at twitter.com/Seen2ManyMovies

On second thought, here’s Evan Rachel Wood.