For Our American, or Apathetic Canadian Readers.

Canada is one of the greatest countries in the world…not because of our leadership but rather in spite of it. We have an election coming up. In the states, these occur every four years. In Canada we have one every four weeks it seems. So as a helpful guide to this quagmire of accusation and cronyism, the Correctness is pleased to present the Coles notes version of the mess we are currently in. Let’s start with the basics…Here are the players:

The Prime Minister: Stephen Harper.

Fig. 1 Stephen Harper

Stephen Harper is the leader of the Conservative Party, which is roughly equivalent to the Republicans in the U.S. When they talk about their “platform”, they usually mean the one on an oil rig. A few years back, we got so sick of the guy who WAS running the Conservative party we almost voted them out of existence. Back then it was the Progressive Conservative Party…and to save themselves they glommed on to The Reform Party which is roughly equivalent to the Tea Party in the U.S. (They were more polite about their racism, as many Canadian racists are) Then they got rid of the “Progressive” probably because it was all together too progressive.

It's just as well, these are the only Canadian Progressives I trust

Together they “United the Right” and from the Reform Party ranks came Stephen Harper. Or as he is known by his Ceremonial Aboriginal Name “Lying Little Fuck Weasel” His interests include fighting gay marriage, buying lots of airplanes with no real way to pay for them, taking credit for saving us during the crash (Credit that belongs to a policy from the thirties he has actively tried to get rid of) running a deficit for the first time in years, and spelunking…more specifically, spelunking up the ass of the U.S. and pissing away our natural resources. In his spare time, he likes to commit human rights violations on G-8 protesters, and he also enjoys pissing on the memory of John Lennon.

Deficit Road

His performance at the debates consisted of him denying everything (with no follow up facts to back up the denials) and them demanding a majority government. Many Canadians took that as a form of poise. He’s currently leading in the polls and is one of the many reasons why we are hooped.

The Liberal Leader : Michael Ignatieff

The Liberals have so named themselves because the more truthful name of “Shifty Little Ass Monkeys ,” didn’t have quite the same ring to it. The Liberals comport themselves like it is their God given right to run this country and anyone who doesn’t think so is either an idiot or lives west of Ontario, which to them is the same thing. Their last government was plagued by cronyism and inside deals which makes them virtually indistinguishable from the Conservatives. The only thing that redeems them from being the exact same party is they are not openly hostile to gays and the arts, and they DID tell Bush to pretty please go fuck himself and fight own war in Iraq. Other than that…it’s the same shit.

Many accuse Ignatieff as being an elitist prick who cares more about his own ambition than he does running the country. And this recently commissioned portrait isn’t really helping that image.

The monocle was their first mistake

He started off so strongly in the debates that he decided to keep making the same point over and over to the point of redundancy…which is exactly what Canadians would be doing by electing him.

Jack Layton and the NDP

NDP stands for “New Democratic Party” and not for “Never Done Parliament” as is popularly believed. They are a party that sprang largely from the Canadian labour movement. So imagine if the Union guy working the docks on season two of “The Wire” decided to form a Political Party.

Yeah.

As for their leader Jack Layton…He’s kind of like that gym teacher you had in Junior High….the one who smiled just a smidge too broadly at the girls in their gym strip.

"Knees up girl...thaaats it keep jogging"

And you’d think to yourself. “yeah Mr. Layton’s okay for gym. I sure as hell wouldn’t want him for home room though”

The NDP are comfortable making a lot of promises because they haven’t been anywhere near forming a government in decades…so they know they’ll never actually have to follow up on anything.

Gilles Duceppe and the Bloc Quebecois

Weasels subsist on a diet of berries and fish...

To put this in terms the American Correct might understand…Imagine if those crazy, racist Texans who want Texan Independence and fully supported seceding from The U.S were not only ALLOWED into federal politics…they actually got SEATS in the House of Representatives. So MANY seats in fact that instead of throwing these wackos out, or having them tried for TREASON many of your political parties had to court favor with them if they want to get anything done.

Welcome to Multiculturalism.

You see many years ago in a battle on the Plains of Abraham, The French were defeated by the English. The English, in a forgiving mood, allowed the French to keep their language and culture. In fact it became legally mandated. Which is why a party whose sole objective is Quebec independence is somehow allowed to be in the FEDERAL government. And every few years, our kindness is rewarded with a very expensive referendum in which the Bloc asks if Quebec wants to separate, Quebec says no, and then they ask again later like a child denied a cookie. Only these cookies cost millions and millions of dollars and they will JUST KEEP ASKING.

Elizabeth May and the Green Party

You know that guy sitting outside with his dreads and a bongo drum reeking of patchouli and B.O. who you cross the street to avoid passing in the park? That’s who votes Green.. I don’t even take them seriously enough to post a weasel picture, quite frankly.

THE PROBLEM

Right now, none of these clowns can get a majority government. At first glance that’s a good thing, but the problem is that nothing gets accomplished. Nothing except calling a new election and hoping this time one party will get a majority. Canada is a HUGE country, and as such each region has its own unique geography, culture etc. Everyone is concerned about their own back yard, regionalism reigns and wheels continue to spin uselessly like all season radials in a prairie winter. (Which like Westeros or Narnia lasts for generations)

Voter apathy is high. The east is generally pro Liberal, the west is still holding a grudge over Trudeau taking their oil money and will ALWAYS vote conservative. We are canceling each other out, and the right wing gets in power because the left vote is split between three other parties. Then the whole fucking circus starts again when the Opposition party starts sniffing around the minority government looking for any excuse to call an election.

In other words, we’re fucked.

Pictured...a Canadian during an election

I’m thinking of voting for the gym teacher. God Help us all.

Hello Correctoids.

As you know, I maintain my own twitter feed, @RobbieRobTown, on which I occasionally tweet thoughts of tremendous importance. However, one such incident resulted in an inexplicable hack of my account… I think… Allow me to explain.

I tweeted the following:

“In Green Lantern Rebirth, they chase Parallelogram back into that big lantern on Oprah. Does that mean they have to fear The Colour Purple?”

And very suddenly I gained 7 followers. LADY FOLLOWERS. Was it because I mentioned Oprah? Was it because we have so many regular visitors that every human on earth knows about my comic misunderstanding of all things Green Lantern? Are there that many girl-type comic book nerds out there who love Oprah crossover jokes? If so, I am reading everything Green Lantern, and getting shares in OWN.

Here is how I came to suspect that something was awry. This is a list of the names of these ladies from the notification email about being followed.

Lilia Sagan
Loida Winnegan
Loma Hoivik
Loris Treadway
Lorita Holladay
Lorita Hadfield
Lorri Beaudette

I was being sequentially added and followed by The Alphabetical Ladies. Worse yet, I was being followed alphabetically by first name. It is a commonly known fact that alphabetical ordering by first name instead of last is what caused the World War I. Ben Folds is in two places in my CD collection. The Ben Folds Five are under B, because that is the band name, and music by the solo artist Ben Folds is under F, because that is his last name, you chimps, and don’t try and confuse things by doing otherwise, HMV!

I have no idea if any of these ladies are real (some had photos, some did not), and since that fateful tweet 4 of them have retracted their friendship. Not enough talk about Oprah?

If this was a weird hack of some kind with fictional ladies (I distrust fictional internet ladies immensely), to what end did they follow me? So I would follow them back?

Perhaps it was to generate hits on the fictional ladies favourite websites. For a short while one “Heidi Klum” was following me because I said the following:

“God as my witness, I don’t think Heidi Klum should be in charge of a show that discovers funny children. #comedyisntpretty”

Upon inspection, I didn’t think it was actually Heidi Klum… Unless Heidi Klum has a self deprecating sense of humour, and “talks” entirely about enetertainment news whilst completely failing the Turing Test… Perhaps because of her cold German heart. She probably alphabetizes by first name.

In any case, Alphabetical Ladies, If you are real, I’m sorry, and if you are a marketing scheme, you have utterly failed to sell me a product.

Sincerely,
RobbieRobTown

a short sketch about domesticity and time travel by Dawn Dumont

Erin: Why are the dishes still in the sink?

Todd: Umm…I thought you were going to do them.

Erin: Before I left, I distinctly said – “Do the dishes, Todd, its your turn.”

Todd: Oh, I didn’t hear you.

Erin: Yes you did. Because then I said to you, “Did you hear me?” And you said, “Yes, I heard you.”

Todd: Oh well, then sorry.

Erin: I don’t want sorry. I want clean dishes.

Todd: I can’t right now.

Erin: You’re playing video games!

Todd: Erin, remember when we were talking about the difference between asking and bossing?

Erin: They smell! Why didn’t you do them?!!

Todd: Do you want me to build a time machine? Cuz I will build a time machine.

Erin: You don’t know how to build a time machine. You didn’t even pass grade 11 physics.

Todd: There you go. Now I just built a time machine.

Erin: No you didn’t.

Todd: You shouldn’t have goaded me. Now I’ve destroyed the space time continuum.

Erin: Why are the dishes still dirty then?

Todd: Because I did the dishes – and then you dirtied them again. So now its your turn to do them.

Erin: Wrong. Cuz I stole your time machine and did them and then you dirtied them making it your turn again. And I also slept with Jack.

Todd: Why did you do that?

Erin: Because you didn’t do the dishes!

Todd: But Jack has herpes. Now we both have herpes.

Erin: No, I went to the future where they have the cure and I brought it back for us.

Todd: That was nice of you.

Erin: I’m not giving you the cure until you do the dishes.

Todd: Well. I do not respond to blackmail.

Erin: Thats not blackmail.

Todd: Bribery?

Erin: Kind of.

Todd: Doesn’t matter. I just went to the future and plant a car bomb in your car.

Erin: I just removed it and put it in your car.

Todd: I went to the past and killed your family cat.

Erin: Ryley! He got hit by a car.

Todd: No, I strangled him with my bare hands. Then I threw him in front of that car.

Erin: You’re sick. Wait, I just killed your grandfather.

Todd: Poppy! Not Poppy! He wore suspenders!

Erin: Oh get over it. I killed him only 10 seconds before he was gonna die anyway. And I used a down-filled pillow.

Todd: Still, its the principle! I’m so sorry Pappy.

Erin: Do the dishes and I’ll go back and stop myself.

Todd: I killed you.

Erin: When?

Todd: Two hours before we met.

Erin: Asshole!

Todd: Then I went back and stopped myself from killing you. I said, “She’s not worth it Todd.” And I agreed.

Erin: I can’t believe you killed me. Fuck. You know my mother always said you were the type to kill me.

Todd: I’m sorry.

Erin: (Sniffs.)

Todd: I said I was sorry.

Erin: Couldn’t you have at least brought me flowers?

Todd: I did.

Erin: Where are they then?

Todd: Right in front of you. They are invisible flowers. I invented them in year 2135.

Erin: What would be the point of…?

Todd: In time, you will understand.

Erin: I think we should see other people.

Todd: Why? We’re going to get back together anyway. I’ll go back in time, do the dishes, stop myself from killing your cat and then invent the I-Pod and then we’ll move to Borneo so you can study borneo wildlife like you always wanted.

Erin: Cool, then I’m gonna take a nap.

Smackdown: AWESOME UNDERCARD 2: Aquaman vs. Robin vs. Goats on Bicycles

Since our much criticized elimination of Robin and Aquaman from our Superhero Smackdown, our fans (okay, one fan) have been calling out in eerie unison: “Bring back Aquaman and Robin!”. You have climbed the steps of Mt. Seleyah, you have smelled the smell of salmon on your hands, you have been, and ever shall be their friend. Well, your prayers have been answered, because as the still unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I alone have the time available to pander to our superfans* (*fan).  I have been a little busy fellating donkeys to think the really deep thoughts, but we’re not here to talk about what I did to which species, or who saw what and told which ladies, sealing my celibate fate.

Let’s get down to brass tacks, as they say in the fabric measurement industry. Today’s battle is between Robin the Boy Wonder (who for our purposes, I guess is Dick Grayson), Aquaman (who for our purposes is Ariel), and Goats on Bicycles (X-Men vol 1, issue133 : Hideous Goats on Bikes: Dark Phoenix Saga).

First up is Robin, the “Boy Wonder” or, alternately, the boy “Wonder”. Dick Grayson is the son of some circus acrobats. After the murder of his parents, Grayson was raised in a cave by a wealthy weirdo in hosiery, and there is little canonical evidence to suggest that Robin had developed any strange fetishes because of it. Mind you, I’d turn out all kinds of straight if Black Canary showed up in my neighbourhood when I was a kid- or Vicki Vale…

Next up is Aquaman. The Aquaman was the 16 year old daughter of King Triton. She was obsessed with the human world above the sea, and the stories of her journeys from town to town were featured in a weekly Canadian drama series called “The Littlest Mermaid Hobo”. In fan favourite episode “A Mock Fish Time”, Mermaid Hobo helps a reporter (played by Efrem Zimbalist Jr) track down a sasquatch-like creature. Memorable stuff.

Both Aquaman and Robin were part of a highly influential team of superheroes known as The West Coast Avengers. Along with drummer Dave Grohl, the West Coast Avengers played 45 sold out shows on their “Fortress of Solid-tude” tour in the summer of ‘97.

Facing off against the penultimate dynamic duo is the terror of Goats on Bicycles. They are Goats on Bicycles. Mother fucking goats on bicycles. They are regular goats, on bicycles, but they are fucking the fuck on fucking bicycles. Who taught those goats how to ride bicycles? Why do they keep riding past your house? Circling, and circling, around the block, again and again and again, bleating their preternatural bleats, chewing on tin cans and shoes, menacing and drooling as they pedal. The whoosh of the streamers on their handlebars, the clinkity clink of those things that go on their spokes.  What about the pants-filling image of dozens upon dozens of cloven hooves striking dozens upon dozens of platform pedals, the squeaking chains, the banana seats- WHY ARE THEY ON BIKES? THEY DON’T BELONG ON BIKES! DEMONIC GOATS ON FUCKING BICYCLES!! Good Lord, some of them are wearing helmets, and their leader has a bandanna tied around his left front leg, and his denim jacket has the sleeves cut off. What’s that patch on the back of his jacket say? Jesus, it says “Satyr-day Night Fever”. Mother the fuck fucking goat fucking goat assed goats on fucking the fucking bi-fucking-cy-the-fuck-cles! GOATS ON BIKES!!!!

There is no way this fight can go well. Robin has been known to kick some ass, and he may or not be Batman right now in the DC universe. One thing is certain; Dick Grayson has never, ever faced an enemy like goats on bikes. What the hell is wrong with them? They are on fucking bikes! BIKES! Robin and Aquaman would definitely have to team up to defeat a foe of this magnitude!

Aquaman and Robin have worked together before on “The Case of the Missing Chums”, and subsequently in “The Keep on the Borderlands”, so they have an excellent team dynamic. Likely, when faced by the arrival of the Goats on Bicycles, Aquaman would summon either Nemo, or that super mean fish from Sea World. Meanwhile, Robin would practice his crane kick and prepare himself like he would if he was facing the Cobra-Kai dojo en masse.  At this point in the paragraph, I would like to reference three more things from my childhood, for no apparent reason and without emphasis on their importance: Sectaurs, Tahiti Treat, Super Grover.  I was an adult by the time Finding Nemo was released, but killer whales have been killing people since I was young.

The Goats on Bicycles are not stupid. They know that Aquaman is better near water, and they also know other comedians and television programs have mocked her uselessness away from the water.  Consequently, this battle will end up taking place in the Mid-Atlantic, where Robin would be having a hard time swimming. Sure, Aquaman is in her element, and she can call on her racial-stereotype singing crab friend to assist in the battle, but poor Robin would be wishing he had borrowed the Bat-wet-suit, or an assload of Bat-shams.

“Holy Goats on Bikes!” Robin would say.

“Blub blub blub!” Aquaman would say.

I honestly couldn’t imagine this going well for the Dynamic Duet. Once the goats on bikes have had time to prepare you know they would show up on fucking seadoos. GOATS ON JETSKIS! Mother the fuck fucking goat the fuck S on jet the fucking fuck ski the fuck S!

My God, Imagine them, pedaling around on their barge, while the ones on jetskis speed through the choppy surf like some nightmarish deleted scene from The Road Warrior, or an even more nightmarishly undeleted scene from Waterworld. Goats upon horrible goats, bleating and bleating and bleating!

Winner: Goats on Bikes

Loser: Humanity

Here at The Correctness, we are getting a lot of questions about time travel. Oh, and by “a lot” I mean “none” but the sentence “Here at The Correctness we get none questions about time travel” is not grammatically correct.  Nonetheless, we have commissioned an ongoing series of articles addressing your FAQs about time travel. This first one is from our “Intermediate Time Travel Forum”, so this is for those with a basic working knowledge of some of the practical techniques for travelling through time.

Be sure to stay tuned for upcoming posts on the more basic elements and fundamentals of time travel.

Q: A popular technique for time travel that I often hear discussed is “folding time”. How does folding time help to travel through time?

A: Well, it’s a simple as this: Imagine time is this piece of paper (Rob holds a piece of paper). Now imagine we could do this (Rob bends the paper to touch in a couple of places) so we could pass from one point in time to another.  Well time travel is not at all like that.  It’s more like if I did that paper bending thing, except with time instead of paper. Paper is more like paper than it is like time, it’s just serving as a physical analogue in this case. Like, I guess you could create similes about how paper is like time, but why bother?

Q: Okay, so how do I fold time?

A: Carefully, or it will wrinkle.

Q: I mean practically:

A: One can fold time using the following technique:

Step 1: Gather up time on your hands and hold it loosely, but above the floor. Don’t let time get dusty. You could save time in a bottle to prevent that.

Step 2: Tuck the fitted corners of time into each other. Time is meant to conform to the shape of your box spring, so time passes every night at the same rate as your inevitable aging. You can lay time flat on the bed to get started of you like. This is the American method. Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way, the time is gone, the song is over, thought I’d something more to say.

Step 3.  Get your hands inside of time and kind of wiggle it so that the gravity wells align. Or, use any household black holes you may have created to do this (See: Large Hadron Collider  http://www.thecorrectness.com/correctness/the-large-hadron-collider-and-your-certain-doom/ ).  A clothespin is simply not going to do the trick, you really need to get in there with your hands and shift time around until all the wormholes are gone.

Step 4: You can see from the illustration above that you should now be able to lay time flat and time should be roughly in quarters. Now, please keep in mind that this is a three dimensional illustration of a four dimensional process, at least, if not more than four, so it might look a lot like a sheet, but also it might look like a swirling psychedelic hole into nothingness that swallows your soul to look upon. It is useful to wear your safety goggles, and have a strong faith in whatever God you choose to believe in. This should help minimize the psychic shock. I mean, yes, your life could still be torn utterly asunder by some rogue-wave traumatic event, but you are the one who is choosing to fold time. I mean, you could have just left well enough alone, but here you are tinkering with the essential fabric of your existence, and for what? Higher thread count time?

Step 5: Take the quartered sections of time, and fold them into thirds. You will now have 21 layers of time- or, in four dimensions, you started with 16 layers of time, and you now have 48. The layers of time are a bit like philo pastry, except that they are intangible strands of the stuff of the universe, and not really delicious.  One good thing about that is time isn’t going to be a gluten bomb to your colon. You can digest time, and you will find it high in fibre. This is due to Quantum String (Bean )Theory.

Step 6. Take the last strip of time,  and fold it again into thirds. You will now have either 63 layers of time, or 144, depending on your perceptual ability and skill at mathematical topology. Since we are working in the fourth dimension, a perfect square like a gross, or 144, is just the right amount of time to travel through, though it wouldn’t appear as a square, it would appear as maddening cauldron of foreverness. Forever. 

It is imperative that you remain quiet if you can, time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend.

Keep in mind folding time is just one possible technique, and frankly, not our favourite here at The Correctness. Others will be explored soon, and we hope that you join us!

From: General Alfred Howe Terry (generalbadass@uscalvary.com)

To: General George Custer (custer@littlebighorn.com)

Cc:

Subject: Change of Plans sent: June 25, 1876

George,

We MAY have miscalculated the number of hostiles in the area. Whatever you do, DON’T ATTACK.

P.S. Attached a hilarious picture of the president in a bikini. LOL!

From: Paul Revere (bostonrules@silversmith.com)

To: bfranklin@electricity.com, gwashington@valleyforge.net, barnold@traitors.com, jqadams@notaxationwithoutrepresentation.net, tjefferson@dofi.com tommypaine@commonsense.org, charleslee@bunkerhill.com, rmontgomery@britainsux.com, hgates@saratoga.tripod.net, jpjones@navyrocks.com,
dmorgan@bitemecornwallis.com, hlaurens@teaparty.com.

Cc:

Subject fw fw fw fw fw: The British are coming!

Hey Guys!

(Animated gif of Paul Revere galloping on a horse)

The British are coming! The British are coming!

Please forward this to at least 10 people on your list, and good fortune will befall you!
-ttfn, P.

From Nikola Tesla

to Thomas Edison

Tommy, re: the lightbulb design I sent you. Don’t even think about stealing that shit from me!

From: “a concerned party” docbrown@88milesperhour.org

to presidentlinkon@the whitehouse.com

Undeliverable
The recipient’s e-mail address was not found in the recipient’s e-mail system. Microsoft Exchange will not try to redeliver this message for you. Please check the e-mail address and try resending this message, or provide the following diagnostic text to your system administrator.

Mr. President, I’ve discovered an assassination plot against you that is to take place at the Theatre tomorrow night. Be on your guard, and don’t even think about going. I will be out of contact for the next 3 days, but you NEED to know this.

to: williamshakespeare@stratuponavon.com

from wr4sewr56@yahoo.com

Dost thou dream of adding cubits to thy manhood? Click thou now to discover how we can grow thy penis to compel the most comely of lasses.

from Dwight Eisenhower daprez@whitehouse.org

to Emperor Hirohito godmadeflesh@axis.com

re: Hiroshima and Nagasaki

POWNED!!11111111oneoneone

All your bases are belong to us!

Suck it!

Joseph Stalin Stalin@suckitlenin.com

Adolf Hitler idhitlerthat@thebunker.com

Fwd fwd fwd: This joke is HILARIOUS!!!
>
>
I don’t normally forward stuff, but this is good
>
>
>
LOL! LOVE IT!
>
>
>
>

Q: How many communists can you fit in a bunker?

A: You are about to find out, Bitch!

Text messages from history:
To Antony
from Cleopatra:
Subject: Off the hizzy

U R Hawt.

OMG Snake bit my boob! LOL!

To wallstreet2008@correction.com
from wallstreet1929@blacktuesday.com

heads up!

To socrates@chasingsophie.com

From: drUgrx@philoficeuticals.com

heMlOck soft Tabs!

Easy to take.
Cheap drugs. Rock bottom prices! Rare poisons

HURRY click HERE
Beauty=truth=best rates on Hemlock Liqui gels

Dear Skype:

Attached is an article which references how audio feedback is created, and prevented. Perhaps, and I am just throwing this out there, you guys could read it before you do your next software revision.

Also, if you could spend some time  learning how to properly code, work on your latency issues (which I have not experienced as extensively with other chat protocol), improve the retinally-detaching-hodge-podge-of-cute-meets-modern interface of your program, and inspect the insidious core audio problems which made my recording session last evening an unenfuckjoyable nightfuckmare of obscure routing issues, that would be really cool of you guys.

Hey, thank you, really, for providing this awesome free service. I  would absolutely consider paying for Skype if I wanted to have more conversations that are like shouting across a canyon which is separated from the other side, visually, by a glass block wall that pixelates the universe into meaninglessness.

Sample conversation:

Friend: How do you like my dress?

Me: All I see are cream coloured squares

Friend: How about this silver bracelet.

Me: I see black squares.

Friend: What’s wrong with your computer?

Me: What did you say?

Friend: I said what’s wrong with your computer?

Me: You sound like a Cylon swalled a ring-modulator, and then had sex with a vocoder, producing a retarded robot baby. Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Friend: What?

I have never had an online experience quite like Skype, except for the last time I installed Skype and it kept crashing both my computer and Logic 7. At least now, your newest software only interferes unfathomably with Logic 8 and the other audio software including iTunes.  iTunes, you guys, the internal mic was switching on while I was listening to iTunes.

Short list of programs no normal human has a problem with : iTunes. End of list.

In fact, I am thrilled to announce that I may have to reinstall my OS to correct the pervasive issues- though, again, to your credit, my computer didn’t constantly crash, it only began to feedback at outrageous volumes every time it made a noise.

Living with Skype was like living with a ghost- I could hear the sound of myself typing in my headphones, whether or not my preference were set to use the internal mic or not. I was haunted by weird crystalline sounds, pops, hisses and, what I can only presume to have been Brian Eno albums, regardless of  booting up Skype. How in God’s name the poltergeist switched off the pads for my active monitors I have no idea, but thank you for the 140 watt surprise at midnight two nights ago. I will forward the letter from my condo board. That’s why I am now constantly using my headphones instead of my studio monitors. Hey, do you guys know what it is like to wear over-the-ear headphones in a concrete apartment building in 30 degree heat? I do.  One is forced, eventually, to use rubbing alcohol to swab one’s ear cups to prevent headphone mildew.

Someday, I hope that the technology improves enough to the point where I could pick up some kind of hand-held device and have a conversation in real time. Yes, something I could hold in my hand, and then talk into. Something with both a microphone and a speaker built into it, that allowed me to hear a conversation held over long distances. I would certainly be willing to pay 15 cents a minute for such a device to have the privilege of immediacy and consistency. Something that rings when someone calls me. Something I don’t have to be there to answer. SOMETHING LIKE A TELEPHONE! You guys have taken 120 year old technology, and made it worse. If you are going to reinvent the hammer, be sure the product you are offering is better than a hammer, and not just metal stick that can be used as a hammer, that also offers the bonus functionality of allowing me to poke things with it, stick like, and has a row of LED lights on it to show if I’m using the hammer or not.

Sincerely,

RobbieRobTown

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Audio_feedback

ConCERNed? Ha! Seriously, Large Hadrons, and the End of the World.

We here at The Correctness are not physicists. OH! Wait- No, I looked around again, and we are not physicists, but what we ARE for certain is correct, and we’d like to offer some advice on your impending doom. So, regarding your horrifying death: When CERN finally fixes the Large Hadron Collider in November, we can guarantee you that the first large hadron collision will set in motion the destruction of all life on earth, most probably by terrifying creatures from dimensions beyond, but possibly, and somewhat optimistically, just from a massive gravitational collapse that will swallow our planet. Let’s explain a bit about the LHC.

Understanding the LHC, and Subaru AWD:

Again, we’re not physicists since “the incident”, but the elementary basics of the LHC can be easily understood. A particle accelerator, which is what the LHC is- in fact, it’s a humungo one-  is tasked with smashing things into other things so we can find out what’s inside of things.  I repeat. This multi-billion dollar scientific device, requiring the cooperation of many nations to build, and the finest minds in particle physics and engineering,  is a machine which smashes things into other things. Specifically, its job is to make with the smashing of tiny subatomic particles into each other to see what’s inside of them, and create images of the microscopic aftermath.

Now, if you’re like me, and the particle collider process sounds akin to smashing two Subarus into each other, head on, and counting the flying parts to see how the all-wheel-drive works, then you , like me, aren’t that far off the mark.  This highly scientific sounding process takes high speed images of the shit that flies off of other shit when you wreck it hard- like, speed of light hard. That’s one hard wreckin’. Like, as hard as I would wreck Ellen Page if she wouldn’t be outrageously offended at the suggestion, and especially if I wasn’t so scathingly asexual lately. If you wrecked your Subaru at the speed of light- wait, I’m going to stop this article and do some high school physics calculations here- let’s say you wrecked your Subaru at the speed of light by smashing it into, say, a populated area, the resulting impact would be , carry the one- um- AWESOMELY HUGE IN A MICHAEL BAY KIND OF WAY. To take it back to Star Wars (and you know we like to), it would have been way easier for the Death Star to obliterate Alderaan by lobbing a couple of Subarus at them out of high orbit rather than charging up that big old laser (see: Item 7 of TBinns article http://www.thecorrectness.com/movies/25-things-wrong-with-the-star-wars-universe/ ) In fact, tossing a surplus star destroyer at a planet would be extremely effective at high speeds too, and this is technology that only requires you to have a nearby sun or planet to fling shit around. What I’m getting at is when you smash things fast, they go smashier.  The LHC smashes things the very smashiest. Guess I lost my chance with Ellen Page, huh.  I have a friend who saw Ellen Page in a video store, and she was kind enough to warn them off on a film they were considering renting.

Now, we will be returning to the topic of your inevitable tortuous death momentarily, but if you will allow some further clarification…

Two things:  One: I have been informed that you don’t have to worry about the operation or results of the LHC, because scientists are people we can implicitly trust because they are never, ever wrong. We defy any reader to give us historical evidence of science ever being incorrect about anything, for any reason.  No, wait,  actually, no, I can think of a couple of minor ones.  Actually, some major ones.

Two: Fortunately for all of us, the scientists at CERN’s LHC are talking about smashing very tiny protons into one another, or on special days, lead nuclei. So that’s nice small stuff to smash, not Subarus. One brief pause here- Relative to size, on the proton/lead nuclei front, this is something I find funny. Imagine a baseball. Now imagine, I know it’s not used for baseball or football anymore, the Astrodome. Now, on Thursdays, we throw baseballs at each other. And on Fridays, just for giggles, we throw Astrodomes at each other. That’s the size difference between a proton and a huge old lead atom- and even just the lead nucleus is like each of us hurling 204 baseballs at each  other in two big 204 baseball lumps. That’s a lot of damn baseballs to catch square in the crotch, because that’s where you were aiming,  wasn’t it, Greg.

The Goal: Gathering Sand on a Beach

In any case, what can come of smashing this tiny stuff? Well, it’s back to school for 30 seconds. You were 8, and the smallest things in the world were molecules. Then, you were 12, and the smallest thing in the world was atoms, which made up the molecules. Then, you were in high school, and you were masturbating a lot, but also, the smallest thing in the world was the protons, neutrons and electrons that made up atoms.  Then, you were smoking up at university with your physics buddies, and they promised you that the subatomic particles are made up of groups of even smaller particles, and that was the smallest thing. CERN is trying to tally up these smallest things by making them go smashy. We have built the Lego Star Wars kits, we have engaged them in battle, we have tired of them, we have hurled them into each other in Dave’s basement, we are gathering and tallying the pieces by colour.  Some of the pieces have flown behind the shelf, and one of them nicked his sweet TV screen.

The Probable Outcome:

Let’s leave behind the science for a moment, and get practical. Whoah,  that was an ironic statement. Anyways, let’s do that thing I just said. If you think nicking Dave’s TV doesn’t sound like so big of a problem, it is probably because you are insensitive, and you can’t afford to replace his TV.  But when the Large Hadron Collider hits Dave’s TV, it TEARS A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF SPACE AND CAUSES MICROSCOPIC STABLE BLACK HOLES TO OPEN UP, THROUGH WHICH WILL COME THE GREAT OLD ONES. The speeds of these collisions are so fast, and so intense, and so energetic, and cause such dramatic funkification of spacetime that most assuredly we will awaken the Elder Gods who slumber in a parallel universe, needing only the faintest crack in our reality to slip through and strangle us all with their hideous tentacles.

Inevitable Monster Movie:

Hasn’t anyone read Steven King’s “The Mist”? Or seen the film? Or really any of the other books which refer to “the Mist” including the entire Dark Tower series?  Or read Frankenstein, or know what Frankenstein is? REPEAT AFTER ME: When we mess with science shit, we always, always, always end up battling creatures we can’t control. We have learned this lesson time and again, from Jurassic park, from Event Horizon, from, uh, Spongebob Squarepants I guess.

So, let’s say the tiny black holes don’t crack open interdimensional gates- which, we assure you as non physicists, they absolutely will-  then maybe the tiny black holes just continue to grow and grow and grow until their immense and unstoppable gravitational pull sucks you in and you die at the event horizon fatter than you’ve ever been- well, more massive- anyways- well, the same mass but feeling bloaty-  you’ll die, and you will feel seriously ugly.

AT BEST, there is the possibility of the production of a “strangelet”.  A strangelet is two things: One, it is obviously smaller and cuter than a strange, because it is called a strangelet, just as we know that a couplet , in poetry, is a small, cute couple, just like Ellen Page and I would be. Two, it is a type of  subatomic particle which, if it did hypothetically interact with regular matter, could make all normal matter into “strange matter” in a weird chain reaction.  Now, nobody can explain to us how that might change things, but it sound DC comics enough to us, so it seems okay.

But to get down to brass tacks (a phrase for which the etymology eludes me completely) the MOST LIKELY situation is that once microscopic black holes create a gateway into the hidden realm of unimaginable horrors that will drive you mad to even behold with the faintest flicker of one glance, that’s when shit gets all doomy. Scientists at CERN have conducted two, count ‘em, two safety reviews, and they are confident, as the scientists who are in charge of the multi-billion dollar operation that would be a colossal waste of money if it failed, that none of these things will happen. I think we can all agree that when scientists who are beholden to their international investors to produce results on massively expensive experimental devices tell us something, it’s worth taking their assurances with several grains of salt. An ASTRODOME of salt, which could be then hurled at high speed towards another astrodome of salt, producing salty astrodome particles which can be counted and categorized, finally allowing us to know how effective the Astro’s coaching staff was in 70’s. Anyways, prepare to be eaten , not just eaten but DEVOURED by the Cthulhu.

Spotting the Cthulhu:

You may be interested as to how to spot the Cthulhu as they pass through the colourful interdimensional vortex from the place we would understand as a “city” of R’leyh. First, some basics on Cthulhu:

- They are the ones that when you look at them, make you go completely insane.

- They have tentacles on their awful, repulsive, squid heads, and are drooling hate like a retarded baby camel drools drool.

- They desire not only to consume your flesh, but your soul, so they have special teeth to chew up your soul.

-Dudes will be chanting the following: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh C’thulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,

- You feel insane, because you looked at one.

And that’s about it. Once those things start coming through and devouring your very life force and tormenting your fleeing friends with horrors they cannot fathom or comprehend, it’s Doomsville. No amount of knowledge about the so called subatomic particle zoo will protect you from the grasp of a slick spiky tentacle and the maw of a giant creature with breath that reeks of decay and infinity, if indeed the nameless horror has breath to breathe!

Doom 2012 is right on schedule, thanks again Science for nothing. Fuck you guys.

(Editor’s Note: This article was taken from a copy of “The Correctness” Magazine, June 3020 edition. It was found in the trunk of Rob’s car, after he took some type of time-related trip)

As you well know, Flying Cars have now been around since 2984, but it seems strange to The Correctness that many of you out there still haven’t mastered the basics of driving them. Here are a few simple guidelines that will keep us all safely flying.

1. Use your directional beacons

How many times have you been cruising along, minding your business, when all of a sudden, some japehorn appears from your upper left? Hey buddy, that’s what the directional beacons are for. Let me know you’re coming across and down. Speaking of which, it’s supposed to go across, then down. NOT DIAGONALLY. Did you even take flying car lessons?

2.  Watch where you’re going

Look, I like live streaming visual internet as much as you, but do you have to check your spaceface account while you’re negotiating a turn in the downtown sector? That’s how people get permakilled.

3. The 700-850 ft zone is reserved for rapid travel

This is the oldest debate for drivers, but the 700-850 ft zone is CLEARLY marked as a rapid travel zone. If you are in that zone, and being overtaken, you should drop back below 650 ft to allow the more rapid driver to get past you. Don’t make him swerve around you, or slam on his reverse impeller. And yes, we’re well aware that the max speed in non urban zones is 420 kph, you don’t need to drive at the speed and slow us down to prove a point. You’re worse that the Hiltonites with that crap.

4. Don’t Spoilergate me

As mentioned above, no one wants to have to jam on their reverse impeller and spill hot protein matter on themselves. So keep your distance. If you need to pass, do so safely, in the designated altitude. The 200-400ft zone is made for less rapid drivers, so let them use it.

5. Watch for the Red Standard

If the standard is amber, you should be clearing the causeway. Some jurisdictions are adding focused plasma beams to intersections, to literally destroy vehicles entering the causeway on a red standard. It’s not worth it. Don’t like the law? Speak to your Praetor, or suggest a change to the Overlord directly.

6. Enough with the conversion kits already

It was understandable in the beginning, people didn’t want to have to buy a new flying car, and thus the conversion kit was born. But seriously, people, it’s been over 35 years since then. Conversion vehicles are ugly, difficult, and have a tendency to suddenly plummet directly downward, crossing through a number of zones on the way down. Just cough up the credits and buy a Nissan Altitude already.

7. Fuck you and your tiny car

We get it, okay? You bought your super-mini car to compensate for your overgrown genital matter. We’re all super impressed. Get a regular sized car like the rest of us, and save up for the genital matter reduction surgery. K?

If people would just pay some attention and get with the feed, we wouldn’t have to write these articles, but in the words of Grandwriter RobbieRobTown “Fuck you douchebags.Balls.”

Balls, indeed.