Dear Correctness Readers,
Orphan Black is a new science fiction series starring Canadian actors, made by BBC America, and registered in Liberia as “The Princess of the Seas”. A lot of people (we imagine would) have been asking us to explain the plot arc of the first season (if we were still a popular alt-comedy nerd website), so we thought we’d do a public service (to our ourselves), and really break down this hot new show (way into the first season so nobody will pay much attention)!
Dearest Correctness Reader (Marc):
We here at The Correctness have noticed a disconcerting trend in metaphor and simile construction in recent years. We aim here to set the record straight- and you’ll note we just used both a targeting metaphor as well as a police record / trial metaphor (as well as some kind of embedded meta-metaphor about straightness and correctness being associated, but we digress). We do this not because you care, but because we are bored and single again, and we have just had an important birthday and have accomplished virtually nothing of any relevance or lasting significance with our lives (We, of course, are using the “royal we” here, because we are referring to TBinns and Admin_Rock.).
Not sure if it’s just co-incidental timing, or studios wanting to burn these films off in the slow season, but we’ve been hit with the 1-2-3 punch of action films starring some the greatest names in Action cinema.
In 1988, if you told me I’d get a Stallone, a Schwarzenegger, and a Bruce Willis film within months of one another, two things would be true: It would be summer, and I would be really happy. But 1988 was a LONG time ago. Now it’s 2013, and this triple threat is well… sad.
Okay, so I’ve been busy.
Like, “let some guy write 12 articles about the Chipmunks Christmas album and just let that shit slide,” busy. And by busy of course I mean lazy. Horribly horribly lazy. So I confess I have been spending more and more time on Cracked lately. (Cracked…with an “ed” on the end, let’s make that perfectly clear.)
DECEMBER TWENTY-THIRD: AFTERMATH
“Jingle Bell Rock” is a tricky song. It makes perfect sense to have a “hip”, “current” Christmas song that “wasn’t written a hundred years ago” included on the album, but does it work thematically? After all, Christmas with the Chipmunks was written to bring about world peace, to show humanity a new way of life, one of giving up the old ways that have so poisoned our society. And how else to wipe clean thousands-of-years-old traditions, and their anthems, than by turning them into novelty music, the lowest form of art?
I apologize for yesterday’s bizarre article. It would appear my new contact here at The Correctness doesn’t know the difference between a fairy tale and a song review. So if you’re reading this, Mr. Sullenger, know that you’re fired. It’s bad enough that you had to call the Waltons while I was staying at their house—while they were on vacation! They’d never notice I was there!—and get me thrown in jail, but if you’re not even going to post the right article, I don’t know why I even pay you. Don’t come back to the abandoned Lloyd’s Skating Rink. I rather like having my new office there, and I don’t want your incompetence ruining that too.
DECEMBER NINETEENTH: DOWNFALL
There once was a man who lived in a tiny cabin on the outskirts of a small mountain town. The man desperately wanted children, but as a florist, he had long ago taken a vow of celibacy. Not wanting to break his vows, yet still wanting a child of his own, the man grabbed his lantern and ventured off into the woods to ask the trees for advice.
DECEMBER SEVENTEENTH: RECURSION
“The Twelve Days of Christmas” is a curious song, in that it functions not only as a synopsis of Christmas with the Chipmunks—each “day” representing the corresponding track—but as the denouement to the “Seville-ization” saga that began with “Silver Bells”. And since it is only the ninth track, it also gives us a glimpse into what comes next on the album.
DECEMBER FOURTEENTH: DESTRUCTION
When last we saw the Chipmunks, they had been brainwashed into behaving like normal, human children by their adoptive father, Dave Seville. The indoctrination continues in “Over the River and Through the Woods”, wherein Dave introduces the concept of grandparents to a species whose lifespan rarely exceeds 3 years.
DECEMBER TWELFTH: CIVILIZATION
Up until this point, every track on “Christmas with the Chipmunks” has contained a story of its own, with a beginning, middle and end. Up until this point, Ross Bagdasarian Sr. has been holding your hand and walking you through the scary parts. Up until this point, the album makes sense. But not any more.
DECEMBER NINTH: SPITE
Anyone familiar with “Christmas with the Chipmunks” can tell you that “Christmas Time (Greensleeves)” is, without a doubt, the worst track on the album. It’s agonizingly slow, the harmonies are stale and familiar, and none of the Chipmunks sound like they even enjoy singing it. Most people assume that at this point, Bagdasarian simply began running out of ideas. And who could blame them?
DECEMBER EIGHTH: PERFECTION
I apologize sincerely for not providing a link to “The Chipmunk Song” yesterday. Apparently the public library though it would be a fine idea to block the Youtube website from its patrons. I find it strange that a library would ban information from the public, especially considering their policy against book-burning, but I digress. I have found a new location from which to post my articles, and I know for a fact the owners won’t be home from vacation for at least another two weeks.
DECEMBER FIFTH: ENSLAVEMENT
Finally, a day where the heading matches the actual date on which the article is posted! Perhaps, when I stop my foolish habit of relying on others, this will become a more likely occurrence. But really, what kind of self-respecting public library closes at 8:00 p.m. on a Monday? Had I known I was going to have to break in to write this article, I would have brought my glass cutter. But of course, I didn’t, so I had to throw a garbage can through the window.
DECEMBER THIRD: DEATH
If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. And I have learned that the same applies if you want your “Twelve Days of Chipmunks” series to start on the first of December.
I had a perfect plan. One day for introductions, twelve days for the songs, and most importantly, it would end on December 13th. But I suppose “taking care of children” and “having a job” got in the way of Admin_Rock’s duty to post my article. Fine. At least now, I can post my masterpiece under my own name.
(Intern Ellis upstages all by actually filing an article. Admin_Rock posts it a day late).
DECEMBER FIRST: INTRODUCTION
Ah, December. That wonderful time of year when we set down our quarrels, pick up a mug of hot cocoa, sit by the Shaw fire log and turn on our favourite Christmas album, Christmas with the Chipmunks. And if that’s not your favourite Christmas album, turn off your computer.
Ed’s Note: We turned RobbieRobTown loose on a review of 50 Shades of Grey for a few laughs. The project changed him.
50 Shades of Rage: A Book Review
I want to be clear about this: 50 Shades of Grey was so awful, it somehow rendered me sterile. It gave my eyes a hernia. I can no longer do math after reading it. I smell burning toast when I look at it. My inner goddess sharted real razor blades.
Okay, so the Who(or what’s left of them) are touring “Quadrophenia.”. And yes, Paul McCartney is touring again. And yes, Led Zep is releasing a Blu Ray of the 02 concert. But fuck all of that. I went to THE concert event of the year last night. Not since they broke up over merchandising rights in 1978 have Figrin D’an and The Modal Nodes been together on the same stage.
You know, if you’re just generally angry at everything like I am, especially at Fox “news”, then you are often at a loss, in the moment, to specify what is bothering you about someone or their infuriating statements. How many times have you been enraged but incapable of explaining, at the time, what has enraged you? It happens to me constantly. Once I’ve had a few days to determine what conceptually profane or illogical propaganda disgusts me, I’m too far out of the offending conversation (or news item) to fix things. Climate change doesn’t exist! There is no such thing as poverty! The Bible says you can’t have asian friends! What? None of that makes sense, but I think I’ve heard all of that. Thus, I present to you, a list of multi-purpose complaints that can be printed and kept in your pocket for just such an occasion. You will not have to recall a single detail of the troublesome stupidity you encountered, simply read this statement, and claim your right to be logical later.
You thought you knew all the Transformers didn’t you? Well, you also thought you’d touch a real boob someday and it turns out you were wrong about that too. There are millions and millions of Transformers out there, just waiting to blow things up around Shia LeBouf and a random girl with a sweaty midriff. Sure, the Michael Bay movies have all the important Transformers, Like Bumblebee, and Megatron, That green one, Amos N Andy, and of course *Optimus No. But not every Transformer makes the cut, and it’s our duty at the Correctness to enlighten you.
(Admin Rock: We at The Correctness would like to welcome Intern Ellis to the team. Already, he’s become a prolific writer for the team, he’s only one post behind Tbinns for the year. Also, Intern Ellis is not a total douche, like Intern Benji.)
We are fast approaching October 21, 2015. If this date rings a bell for you, congratulations! You’ve seen Back to the Future: Part II! And since you remember that specific date, you’ve probably seen it more than once! Alternately, October 21, 2015 is your future child’s birthday and you really need to stop planning ahead. Anyway, by this point you’re probably asking yourself a question we’ve all pondered at some time or another:
“WHERE ARE THE FLYING CARS!!?”
ADMIN_ROCK: Well, finally dragged myself to the laptop, and I’m here to provide an update for Friday. Let’s see…. waited in line, walked a few feet, waited in line some more. Apart from that, I scored a couple of pretty sweet Lego minifigs (Phoenix and Captain Marvel), met JMS and had him sign the best panel he’s ever written (the “reveal” moment with Ezekiel), and moments later had a really short conversation with Jim Lee about my Lego Mosaic. Verdict: “Yeah, great, that’s really nice”. (“Keep moving, fanboy”). CubReporterK and I went to a panel on Justice League and what lies ahead, and Thursday I also went to a “Court Of Owls” panel which had some cool stuff on the future of Batman. Also visited the Revolution area, NBC is really pushing this show! Then back to the Lego booth for a while, where Gene Simmons waltzed through.
A Case for Prometheus (With some spoilers)
Okay, it’s about time I took my turn trying to defend something in our nerdy universe that I think you, dear readers, may have misjudged. I think you misjudged Ridley Scott’s Prometheus.
“RobbieRobTown,” you will say, “firstly, where have you been, and secondly, what happened to your brain to make you so retarded?”.
Hey folks, just a quick Friday morning note to remind you all to drink enough water, take your vitamins, and be safe out there. Also wanted to let you know that things are rocking and rolling here at The Correctness. We’ve moved to a new office (slightly smaller, more manageable), and we’re taking on a [...]
Hey folks, things have been a bit sparse post-wise lately, with many things going on in our various worlds. Since it’s Monday, and I’m on a Father’s Day food hangover, I’d go easy today, and do a nice relaxed general pop culture check in. So let’s dive right in. Don’t be confused, the stuff discussed here isn’t all new and upcoming, it’s just the stuff I’m “consuming” right now.
I am writing to apologize. While you too were spending your Friday night at the Best Buy perusing BluRay discs, you at least were in the company of two openly nerdy friends, whereas I was alone, and listening in. Also, I was gassy, so if you detected a smell coming from A-D, I was having a reaction to Aeon Flux.
When your two openly nerdy friends (A nerd couple! A rarity!) asked if anyone had seen THX 1138 you described it as weird. This description was apt, and totally fair. I am apologizing because of my unnecessary commentary. Without looking up at any of you, I added, simplistically: “I am forced to agree. It is super weird.”
Admin Rock here. But you probably knew that. Wanted to weigh in on something I’ve been pondering for a few weeks now. While the geek community can be very flash in the pan about certain things, we do tend to obsess endlessly about most things we love. If you don’t believe me, consider that Star Wars opened in 1976, and we STILL endlessly debate its merits. (I’m still on Team “Bored with it now”.) So I have a question: What the hell happened to Game of Thrones?
How do you like our new look, suckbuggies? Are you sucking about towne in your suckbuggy thinking “Holy Nutmothers! This new look is badass!”
Well, you can park your suckbuggy on ‘Nad Valley Road and Taint boulevard, because our new look is so in your face, it’s a moisturizer! Made of poop! That’s a poopsturizer, you grape-enablers.
Well, due to powers out of our control, there was no Smackdown panel at Calgary Expo this year. We’re looking at returning for next year, and also possibly one or two cons in the USA this year (more as it develops). So instead, some of Admin_Rock’s Expo adventures…
When I was a young boy, my father was always giving well timed and meaningful advice. When I was first learning to ride my bike, he turned to me and said “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear”, and I knew that he meant if I wanted to be a mermaid when I grew up it would be okay with him. On another occasion, as I was dealing with a bully, he leaned down and whispered in my ear “Do you think you could take your old man in a drinking contest?” and I knew that he meant I should follow a path of non-violent resistance.
(ed: SPOILER WARNING – This article makes reference to plot events from “The Walking Dead”.)
Last week, we posted an episode review from a show from the future. As the primary author, I had written the bulk of it, and then asked RobbieRobTown to have a look at it, to see if he had any insight or notes. The article was mostly my effort to recreate that feeling you get when you see people obsessively carrying on about something you’re completely unfamiliar with. In the midst of the article, I decided to add one specific outright joke.
A lot of our twelve readers have been asking us: “Hey, can you Canucks at The Correctness explain Super Tuesday to us? It makes no sense”. Well, rest assured, the two or so of you that are still reading, we have done extensive research and we are now ready to explain not just Super Tuesday, but the primaries in general.
Webster’s dictionary defines “primary”- I don’t feel I need to go on, if you want a definition, go look it up.
I read this article in which the author attempts to defend the political shrewdness of Star Wars Episodes 1-3 over 4-6…
which comes off like a debate student charged with defending an unpopular topic. He attempts to draw parallels between the post 9-11 world and the world of the prequels. As Phantom Menace came out in 1999, and Attack of the Clones was well in to production by the time 9/11 happened, this is a bit laughable.
But it got me to thinking: Is there any ground on which one COULD claim superiority of the Prequels?
Hello Dearest Readers:
A lot of you have been asking me to clarify the history of St. Valentine’s day, and how it came to be celebrated as we celebrate it today. Well, since there is no greater expert on things both historically accurate and romantic, I RRRT (The third R is for “romance”), will be your guide in to the true meaning of St. Valentine’s Day!
Dearest Readers, both Ladies and Gents:
First of all, sorry we’ve been away for a while. TBinns is writing for TVision, and Ad_Rock is directing theatre. I’ve been lazy. However:
A lot of you be constantly up in my grill, bein’ all : “Excuse me, RobbieRobTown, you are a noted seducer/ lothario/ rockstar/ gymnast. Can you please share some of your sexy sexual sex tips for sexing sex?”
Well, I’m glad a lot of you asked that so often, and I’m ready, at long, hard last, to share some of the secrets from my boudoir of bonism. Here are my top 50 tips for keeping your love life as spicy as a salami of the spicy variety, and probably higher in phosphates!
Hey folks, Admin_Rock here. So you know how we talk about the Live Smackdown from time to time, but none of you have ever seen it? Well, hold on to your pants, or possibly the pants of a friend, because we have a 3 minute clip for the 2011 Comic Expo craftily edited by RobbieRobTown. (Video shot by the amazing Andrew Phung.)
WATCH! As we move through the bracket.
SEE! Admin_Rock get cut off a number of times.
MARVEL! At the Marvel of it.
Hey kids, Happy New Year and all that jazz. I’m back from vacation in Palm Springs and Mesa, and ready to get going for another year. I see everything went smoothly in my absence… What? No Action Smackdown Final?
Linking the poll at the bottom of the article. You should be able to vote for up to 3 items. If I missed any (pulled these off Wiki), let me know, I will add.
That’s coming this Friday, because I said so. In the meantime, thought we’d look back at the movies of 2011, and yap about those.
A Very Justice Leaguey Christmas!
By RobbieRobTown and TBinns
It was the morning of December 24th, high above the earth on the Justice League satellite. Actually, it might technically have been December 23rd in some places – these things are tricky when you are in orbit. Business was winding down for the holiday season, and despite news that well-trained, radioactive weasels had burrowed into Lucas “Snapper” Carr’s anus and eaten him alive from the inside out, things had been quiet.
Dear Future generations,
I am flattered and deeply honored that young people, and people of many ages have come to afford me a somewhat iconic status. I do not wish to appear ungrateful, and I am glad I have been chosen as the unofficial face of revolutionary politics.
However, I feel I must tell you that I did not bust my ass fighting government forces in the stinking hot Cuban countryside so my face could be worn on the chest of every douchebag who heard a Rage Against the Machine album.
You are no doubt aware that you are the manufacturer of Frosted Flakes. If you are not aware of this fact, you should be. I am going to presume you are, indeed, aware. Of this fact. You guys make Frosted Flakes. Your “Frosted Flakes”, which are puffed corn of some variety or another, have the unlikely mascot of an anthropomorphic tiger, who wears a scarf for some reason. This he does, and I can only surmise, because Tony is a gang member, or possibly a barnstormer.
It occurs to Admin_Rock, as he sits at his computer this morning, that maybe posting a hypothetical gun battle to the death is not the best way to honour the fallen on Remembrance Day (Veteran’s Day for our American readers). So he’s unilaterally decided to postpone this week’s Smackdown entry to tomorrow. There aren’t a lot of things we get serious about here, this is one of them.
We will post this week’s chapter tomorrow.
It seems that Eddie Murphy, in a show of solidarity for a douchebag will no longer be hosting the Oscars.
I can’t say that I’m sad, especially after last years debacle. Thanks Academy, for dragging my beloved Anne Hathaway through the mud with your crappy writing and pairing her up with a stoned co-star who apparently thought he was supposed to host it ironically.
Found this story by way of Josh Flanagan at ifanboy.com.
Basically, some douche who writes for Men’s Health and Maxim took some pics of people in costumes at the New York Comic Con, and made fun of them because they weren’t totally cut.
We here at the The Correctness do our fair share of mockery and castigation, but generally ours is well written and makes an effort. Buddy’s piece is just mean spirited and of crappy quality.
(Ed: This article was found in a copy of The Correctness magazine from RobbieRobTown’s trunk. His car can apparently travel through time, as the magazine is from the year 2230. We’ve presented it untouched.)
Attention Ladies and Gentlemen and Unbeclarebs!!! Exciting news from the South, as the AppleOmniCorp announces the much awaiteb launch of the iPhone 134. Some of you out there were concerneb that this launch was going to be for the 133 G. Well, guess again! It’s a full flebged 134, complete with a grab bag of new features to make even the most bevout Morrisseyist brop it all and heab to the Glomomart!
For those who don’t know, which I have to assume is all of you because if you DID know you are taking WAY too much interest in my personal life, I am in the process of developing a half hour comedy show. I’ll spare you the painful details about how many times I’ve had to rethink the concept owing to being beaten to the punch, but I believe I’ve hit on something that works now. We’ll leave it at that. I have a producer attached, who got us a little funding to write a pilot, and then, something rather marvelous happened.
Last week the DC relaunch #1 of Catwoman was the object of much controversy for a non-nude sex scene between Catwoman and Batman. I’ve always said that comics as a medium are not a child’s art form. This without further comment is the picture that appeared in my head as people got upset to an irrational level about a story aimed at adults.
This week: Mad Max of, uh, those Mad Max movies vs Han Solo, recurring peripheral character in the Sit Com known as Star Wars
Continuity Entropy: a process of complication or muddying the history of a character to a point where all explanations of the character have to start with something like “well, when they restarted Wonder Woman in 1987, Steve Trevor wasn’t her boyfriend so …”
No matter how fresh your reboot, you only have a few years before your storylines become so integrated that you can’t possibly have a new reader jump on at any issue.
As we prep for the big non-super action movie hero Smackdown, there was some discussion about the line John McClane says in the screen classic Die Hard 2: Die Harder, “How can the same s*** happen to the same guy twice?” and if in fact the same thing continues to happen for the next two installments or if it was two of the one thing, then two somewhat different things.
This led to a free-form Round Table discussion of Die Hard.
A while back here on my comedy website thing, which is highly regarded by my mom, I invited Emma Stone to enter the “Win a Date with RobbieRobTown” contest. She did not enter then, nor has she submitted an entry since I reopened the contest earlier this summer. To be fair, Emma Stone hasn’t the foggiest idea who I am, or if I am charming, homicidal, or both. So, to preface this letter without any further speculation, I am not writing this to tell you to keep your mitts offa my lady, as such a statement would be untrue, sexist, and incalculably fucktarded.
There was a huge announcement last week that caused ripples of excitement, terror, joy and disdain throughout the Geek Community. Ridley Scott would be making another film in the Blade Runner universe. No word on whether it’s a a prequel, a sequel, or otherwise with Harrison Ford’s participation being called very unlikely. When we heard the news, we figured it definitely called for a round table…
THE NEW BLADE RUNNER PROJECT….THOUGHTS?
Sometimes, a nerd can only take so much. We have a high tolerance for insults, forged on the third floor, west side near English class, as the jocks wandered by. But occasionally, we must hit back. To that end, The Correctness now arms with you the sharpest ripostes, the most bon of bon mots with which to savage your opponents.
A loooong time ago, we ran an article in which I endeavored to explain some complicated aspects of movie plots for the sake of our readers. It didn’t end well. It took a long time, and a lot of therapy, and the pain i feel when I think about it is much like the pain I feel from the box “papercut” I got from some printer boxes in the middle of the aisle at Best Buy this morning. (Seriously, big box stores, quit filling the ample aisle space with pallets of stuff. It’s annoying, and sometimes painful.)
So, I think I’m finally ready to try again, with the saved up mail from last time.
Dear Correctness Readers:
Since the addition of our new intern, Smunchy, or whatever his name is, I have been soft pitching him awesome ideas for your comedic enjoyment. Like, underhand soft-pitching. “Hey, Krunkles”, I have been saying about the office, “here are some amazing ideas to base an article around. All you have to do is stir and enjoy!”
“I’ll get right on it!” Blumpie would say.
Here is a list of ideas that Ringo has totally neglected to turn into articles for you people.
1. Mumford Cuthbert’s Comfort Cupboard
It’s a mattress store. The proprietor is named Mumford Cuthbert. It sounds a bit like “comfort”. The tagline for the hilarious advertising is “It’s Mumcomfortable!”. How the fuck is this not funny, Benji? Are you too busy having your sexual sex with your female human girlfriend to write this script? Disappointing.
2. A Case for: Covington Cross
When DC rebooted Superman in 1986 they ended the old version with one of the greatest Superman stories of all time, Alan Moore & Curt Swan’s “Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?”
This summer’s Superman arc is about the return of Superman’s murderer, Doomsday who is doing Doomsday-ish stuff to the supporting cast of 1993′s “Reign of the Supermen.”
Hello everyone. My name is Benji Halverson, and I’m the new summer student/intern for The Correctness. I’m a 3rd year student in the Journalism/Communications program at Mount Royal University.
You’re probably curious as to how I was picked for this job. Short answer, I was away when the practicum/internships were being chosen, and it was assigned to me. When I found out a little more about The Correctness, and spent a bit of time reading the site, I went back to my professor and explained that there had been some kind of mistake, that The Correctness isn’t a news site, but he told me it was either this or a job with the Prince Albert Daily Herald. I chose this.