So, I was driving into my parking spot at my condo in my old car,  a shabby Cavalier dubbed by my friend Marc to be “Lady Cavalieria”. Its real name was “American Shitbox Moneypit of Shit”. My used Honda Accord would be embarrassed of my old car.
My parking space has a concrete barrier wall, about 2 feet high on the North and East corners. It also has all the cigarette butts. It is perfect for sitting on, littering near, sitting on litter, etc.

In any case, along with the trash, the whimsical hobos also accumulate in that corner, often sitting there and ranting, or being passed out, or pooping in a bag or what-have-you. I pulled in a few days ago to find a dude reading the bible and nodding in agreement at some passage. More recently I found an empty suitcase, and before that? An entire cake. A whole, perfect, chocolate cake- made as an offering to me? More on the cake later.

On this particular sunny day, let’s call it spring, There was a murder of hobos (flock? herd? a congress?) gathered on the wall, sitting and discussing important matters. They were exceptionally drunk. Unusually hammered drunk for that time of day, which was after work- perhaps 5 PM? They would have to move in order for me to pull my car in, and they begrudgingly did so.

In any case, the convocation (romp? pod? muster?) of vagrants dispersed, and gathered themselves to travel to the shade by the entrance to my building. I waved “thank you” to them, and deplaned from my car (exited?).

The hobos and I were headed in the same direction, and from one of the I heard “Hey!” In a husky feminine drunken kind of voice. The first time I assumed it wasn’t directed at me, but again it came, like a meadowlark drowning in  vomit “Hey!”.

Inadvisedly, I turned. There she was, an aboriginal woman (”Native” in Canada is an acceptable term), about 6′6″, easily over 250 pounds, rough skinned and stoic. A mighty Amazon warrior goddess from a once proud race, now reduced travelling with a pack (coven?) of itinerant vagabonds who she could easily have crushed in her mighty arms.

“Hey. Hey sunshine.” she said.

I assumed at the time she meant me, as I was the only waifish strawberry blond fellow walking directly through her field of vision. I’m not short, but I was snack sized to this fierce huntress.

“Um, hey.” I replied, blondly.

“Hey sunshine, I like you.” She said.

“Thanks!” I said without a hint of panic. This was a woman who could have taken anything she wanted, riding the mighty plains and gathering victims or lovers in her merciless grasp. I was a man who, confronted by a woman such as she, would do as I was told.

“Yeah, sunshine. I like you”.

“Thanks!” I said a second time, fumbling with my keys.

It was a few days later that I found a chocolate cake, possibly harvested from the local grocery store, sitting in front of my parking stall. There it sat, untouched, pristine, and disappointingly unwrapped… There were 2 plastic forks sitting beside it. No note.

Was this cake for me? From her? I never saw her again. I couldn’t bring myself to bring the cake inside, abandoned there without protective covering. So, I watched it. I watched that cake for 4 days. By day 4, the squirrels and the neighbourhood cats had gotten into it, and it was ruined.

Your prayers are needed for a young boy in great pain. Imagine being just 10 years old and being hydrocephalic, meaning his head is several times larger than it ought to be. It’s hard for him…every day is a struggle, even though he just wants to play baseball and live a normal life.

But his life is anything but normal.

His so called friends cruelly taunt him every day, and have given him the nickname “Blockhead”

There are no Valentines for him on Valentines day. No Candy at Halloween

Even the simple act of flying a kite is impossiblefor him.

Heis overwhelmed with doubts and anxieties every day but still he carries on as best he can.

All he wants to do, just once, is to kick a football like any other child. But the opportunity has been yanked away from him…

Please pray for this brave boy, and send this note on to 5 others. Keep him in our thoughts, and maybe the tomorrow will be just a little brighter for little Charles”

“In the book of life, there are no answers in the back.”

-Charles.

I’m sure many of you know the video which I am referring to, if not, take a moment and have a look at this.

Now, personally, I wouldn’t say that Ray Bradbury is a Sci Fi writer per se, much less the greatest one in history, but she is prancing around in (and nearly falling out of )a school girl outfit so, as they say on the internet, my argument is invalid.

So instead, I’d like to suggest a few follow ups she could pursue for that all important “Second single.”

(Feel free to join in)

1. Get Me Off, Isaac Asimov

2. Meet Me in The Shower, Robert E. Howard

3. Gimme Your Shaft, H.P. Lovecraft

4. Do Me Quick, with your Philip K. Dick

5. Ruffle my Trellis, Warren Ellis

6. Stick it in, J.R.R. Tolkien

7.In My Back Door, eh, R.A Salvatore

8. Do me Hard, Orson Scott Card

9. Come on and Fux me, Aldous Huxley

10. Be my Pervert, Frank Herbert

11. I am your Madame, Douglas Adam’s

12. Do me in my Robert A. Heiney lein

13. Fuck me in the Park, Arthur C Clarke

Well, after a delightful lunch on a patio, The Correctness collectively decided we liked the sound of a Team Smackdown. We tossed some names out, but have yet to make any official brackets, so now is your chance to speak up.

Some things you should know…Heroes can only belong to one team in the tournament, ie: Wolverine can fight for the X-Men or The Avengers, not both. Also the teams will consist of the SPECIFIC heroes we lay out. So when we say “The Avengers” We would say “Consisting of Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Wasp, and Giant Man.” and we decide that Hulk is Fighting for the Defenders, or that we decide Hawkeye is lame and doesn’t make the cut, so be it. Let’s face it, if we let EVERYONE who has ever been an X-Man fight it would be chaos.

Here are some of the names we are kicking around so far, feel free to make your suggestions below.

The Avengers

The JSA

And don’t worry…Rob has plenty of epic side battles planned (Muppet Babies vs The Scooby Doo gang, anyone?)

So…who did we miss? Speak now or forever hold your insults.

Hey Folks, admin_rock here. It’s come to my attention that it’s been a long time since we armed you with any new ammo for causing nerds to fight and argue. And really, it’s so very pleasing to sit back and let them have at, guaranteed entertainment for the entire evening, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT. Any ham-fisted, slack jawed noob can throw out a “Heroes Sucks”; and to be fair, that wouldn’t start a fight, so much as a tacit agreement amongst everyone in the room.

So, here’s a few more to keep your nights lively! Keep in mind, you don’t actually have to agree with the statment. It’s effect will be that of throwing a big meaty bone into Michael Vick’s living room. (ed: Michael Vick is Football player. He was arrested for being involved in a dog fighting ring.) (ed: Football is a “Sport”.)

Don’t worry, we’ll walk you through these slowly.

1) The X-men has sucked since Claremont left.

The X-men comic book began in 1963, created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. No finer beginning could one wish for. In 1975, after a number of changes in the creative team, a new X-Men team was introduced, and soon after, the writing job was given to Chris Claremont, who would make the job his own from 1975 until 1991, shortly after the relaunch of the book, arguably at the height of it’s popularity. Since his departure, the X-Men have grown larger and larger, spread over more and more books, and have an endless number of characters with an “X” in the their names.

Nerds will drool over the chance to not only discuss the X-men, but to stick up for their favorite team or character, whom will almost certainly fall out of the Claremont years. If anyone mentions Grant Morrison’s run, you’ll know the argument has gone “full retard”.

2) UFC is the closest thing on TV to gay porn

This one might not get the Nerds as riled up as the the others, but the sheer enjoyment of watching MMA advocates defend their beloved grope-fest is worth it. (ed: We’re not making fun of gay porn here, btw, it serves its purpose to those who enjoy it). Try pointing out things like the graceful way the “top” straddles the “bottom”, how even though they’re sweaty and tired, they still seem so happy, and how there’s less blood than you’d expect.

3) Tech Support workers are overpaid, and useless.

This one is clearly untrue. Most tech support workers make next to nothing, and they do tend to solve your problem for you. The joy in this one is watching those who take their job just a bit too seriously become livid and list out the intricacies of their job in minute detail, as though it were akin to national security. Stoke the fire by asking whether it’s okay to use “password” as your password, and whether you can load itunes at work.

4) The upcoming Avengers movie will suck balls.

You can say things like “The Avengers are a cut rate copy of the Justice League”. A group of superheros from the Marvel universe, The Avengers have been around for a long time. Now, over the course of a few years, Marvel has been introducing them in their own films, with a plan to culminate in an Avengers film. Will it suck balls? Who can say. On one hand, Joss Whedon is signed on to direct. On the other, there are a lot of parts to cover, and the success or failure of the next few movies will affect what’s up on the screen. Bad sign: Edward Norton is out as Bruce Banner. Good sign: Mark Ruffalo will reportedly play Bruce Banner. This one will keep them arguing for days.

5) Harry Potter books are for kids.

Hidden away in the middle of the list, due to being a few years past its prime, the Harry Potter argument will flare up like the Herpes of midwestern co-ed after a year in the “big city”. There will be wailing, disbelief, and the gnashing of teeth. You will be told, in no uncertain terms that “anything that gets kids reading is awesome”, that “they get darker as they go on”. Whatever, you’re not here to make a case for your point, some other nerd in the area will take care of that. The books were too damn long, and poorly written for us to care.

6) William Shatner is fucking awful.

The “nuclear” option, this one should be saved until later in the evening, when your favorite geek is about to snap. He won’t even know how to argue this, he’ll just be in shock that anyone could possibly attack his golden calf. For bonus points, attack Shatner’s recordings, and claim that he’s not relevant.

7) Android Phones are superior to iPhones.

Look, it’s pretty clear from Nerd Fight 1 that Apple fanboys will argue to the death the superiority of their companies goods. It’s also pretty clear that most people will, after purchasing any of these insanely expensive devices, find ways to justify and back the one they got. The important thing here is to keep the argument going when it starts to flag. Throw in comments like “why doesn’t Apple ever have expandable memory on their devices” or “Did you know ‘droid’ is a trademark of Lucasfilm?’ That last one could work as a nice crossover into “Episodes 1-3 were better than 4-6″.

8 ) All Star Batman and Robin is the finest Batman work yet.

Frank Miller went from beloved God of comic fanboys to an outcast after some of his hard right-wing jingoistic comments came to light. But even before that, he started alienating fans by publishing All-Star Batman and Robin, a gritty, in-your-face version of our beloved Bats. This Batman is arguably psychopathic, unbalanced, and dangerous. He essentially kidnaps Robin, forces him to stay in the Batcave without food or heat for days. Meanwhile, he’s out nailing Black Canary near the docks. The infamous phrase “I’m the god-damned Batman” came from the series.

The concept for the character is extremely contentious, and sure to start a Batman jihad, especially if you add some discussion of the recent Batman films in to the mix. Say things like “Miller should be directing the Batman films, then they’d be good”, or “Green Lantern must suck if he can be taken out by paint and a tween”.

9) Kevin Smith hasn’t made a good film.

There’s a ton of potential here, and we’re not just talking about Kevin’s weight! (pow!) There’s a camp of people who believe Kevin Smith can do no wrong. There’s another who see a string of average movies that tend to fizzle at the box office. There’s a third camp that are jealous that he’s living the ultimate fanboy life. Also, there’s a girl’s camp across the lake.

For this one, you’ll need to suss out where everyone stands on the subject early. Then, either bring up box office returns, or maybe Rotten Tomatoes scores to fan the flames. You can also take veiled shots at the films themselves by forgetting their names, and describing them vaguely: “What was that one where the characters talk endlessly about dicks?”

10) Comments on blog for nerds shouldn’t be allowed if they’re only “stupid hate”.

This one will take more work than most of you want to involve yourselves in. You’ll need to start a blog, write a bunch of articles that will draw in fanboys, get some of them linked to fark.com, then, after establishing that you will allow pretty much any comment to go unedited, suddenly announce that you’re annoyed with some of the comments, and claim that you’ll be suppressing any that don’t measure up. Oh, and then don’t suppress any of them. Throw in phrases like “stupid hate” and “cum-eating intern”. This will answer the question “is anybody out there?”. Watch as the argument verges on a free speech issue, while examples of comments previously allowed come to light.

Good news, Correctness readers! We have managed to find an excerpt for the script for part 3 of the Dark Betty Saga: Crisis in Infinite Riverdales, due for Christmas. We had a 45 minute argument in our office about who wrote this script- the names have been surreptitiously removed from the document. What do you guys think? Morrison? Miller? Moore? Dave thought Claremont, at this point, given the X-Men forever storyline, I tend to agree. Possible spoiler alert: It looks like this series will bring the Dark Betty story cycle to its conclusion.

Crisis in Infinite Riverdales: The Dark Betty Saga

Issue 3: Dark Betty Rising DRAFT 2

Page 1:

Ext. Road Night. Instead of a splash page, we begin with a series of smaller panels which reveal the wreckage of Archie’s jalopy from it’s head-on collision with Mr. Weatherbee’s car. In quick succession we see: The two vehicles have fused. Jughead’s hat is in a tree. The last of the steam from the radiator. The cross hatching of the side of Archie’s hair with rivulets of congealing blood. Moose’s legs sticking out from under the back of the car. Veronica is twisted into impossible angles. Shattered glass on a speedometer gauge.

CAPTION:(Archie’s Voice)(over scenes above) : In the beginning, there were three: Bets, Ronnie, and me. One malt with three straws. We were a team. We were a family. We were a family that dated each other. Also, there was that redhead girl sometimes. Basically though, in the beginning, there were three.

Page 2:

Perhaps a few stacked panoramic panels showing the crash site, and then images of Archie, Reggie, Veronica, Moose and Midge gathering themselves, steadying themselves. Archie is dabbing away blood from his face. Veronica looks stunned, she has curled up into a ball.

CAPTION: (Archie’s Voice)Then there was the accident. We were going too fast. We were going to hit Mr. Weatherbee. Bets- Betty- she tried to save us- it’s hard to remember. She – somehow- was she out of the car? Did Betty save us?

ARCHIE
Is everyone okay?

VERONICA
Jesus, my head, my head, I can’t…

REGGIE
I’m fine, I think, we’re all- Betty…

JUGHEAD
What? My God, Arch he’s right.
Something- Betty…

VERONICA
Was she thrown out? Did she fly out
of the car? Oh My God. Betty?

Page 3:

ARCHIE
She was in between the two cars.
Ours and Mr Weatherbee’s. She’s dead.
She’s dead. We saw her die.

Caption: “As we saw last ish- Ed.” Or something. –Ed.

VERONICA
No… No!

REGGIE
He’s Right. Oh Jesus. She tried
To save us. What was she thinking?

A Close up at the place where the two cars have melded into one. A few shreds of Betty’s dress flutter in the breeze. A larger panel, wide, on the whole accident site.

VERONICA
No. No. No.

Jughead
Arch? Is she gone.

PAGE 4:

SPLASH: Surrounded by flames, eldritch plasma, and beams of pure energy, Betty rises into the sky. Beautiful, and terrifying, she is full of a disturbing power and anger. The others look on in abject horror.

CAPTION: (Archie’s Voice)She told me once that she’d always be there for me. I never thought she meant even in death…

ARCHIE
Bets?

VERONICA
Betty? You…

BETTY
Betty has transcended. I am DARK BETTY!

CONT.

Page 5:

Some panoramic panels: A swirling mist surrounds the whole Riverdale gang, and in the blink of an eye, they have all disappear leaving an empty nighttime forest road.

Bottom half of the page: With a sudden “THWUDGE!” The whole gang arrives in a barren astral plane, as the mist they were transported in dissipates around them. A weird orange desert-scape under a sky with 2 moons.

Thwudge? – Ed

Page 6:

Close up on Archie Straining under some effort.

ARCHIE
(thought bubble)
Can’t Move! None of us can!

He looks around to see the others in the same predicament, held motionless my mysterious forces- Except for Betty. She is hovering several feet off the grown surrounded by a greyish flame, casting a strange light on her.

BETTY
I need to speak to you one at a time.
Hope you don’t mind waiting around.

In another panel, Betty gestures towards Veronica. Suddenly, Veronica floats towards Betty- Still frozen, standing, but nonetheless floating inexorably towards Betty.

VERONICA
(Thought Bubble)
My God, Bets, what happened to you?
What happened to us?

BETTY
I can hear you thoughts, Veronica.
What has happened is irrelevant. I died,
I returned, there is much I wish to say.

Page 7:

The others stay frozen, immobile. Veronica settles onto the ground near Betty. A puff of powdery desert sand rises up into the sky.

VERONICA
(tearful, terrified)
Bets? I…

BETTY
(tenderly)
Ronnie, hush.

Betty presses her finger to Veronica’s lips, then gingerly begins running her other hand through Veronica’s hair, petting her in a parental but condescending way.

BETTY
He played us off each other for so long.
We were a game to him. He held you like he
held me. One hand on your cheek, he
called you “little squirrel” too, didn’t he…

VERONICA
I – He, yes… but I thought…

Betty draws the still helpless Veronica closer, and puts her hand on Veronica’s cheek.

BETTY
He shared everything, little
squirrel. When he kissed you-

Veronica is terrified, a close up panel of tears trickling out of the corner of one eye.

VERONICA
Betty, no, please, no…

BETTY
Was it just like this?

Betty closes the last few millimetres, and tenderly kisses Veronica. Veronica struggles, but is still immobile, her only protest a muffled and terrified whimper.

Page 8

Archie struggles in vain against his psychic bonds.

ARCHIE
No!

REGGIE
(with a crazy boner)
Yes!

Betty turns swiftly and is suddenly alight with the same weird rageful flame which we saw a when she first arose from the car wreck. Energy flows from beneath her skin, making her inhuman.

BETTY:
Silence, Reginald! Silence all! You
have tested my limits of my kindness
enough this day!

JUGHEAD:
Bets, where is Mr. Weatherbee?
Our car, we collided, you…

BETTY:
Saved you? Indeed I saved you, for
I was not yet finished with you.
Weatherbee I had no need of. He
Is gone.

JUGHEAD:
You could have saved him!

BETTY:
And I could have let all of
you die in that car wreck , but I chose
to let you live! Do you want to see
Hot Dog again, Jughead?

JUGHEAD
My dog? You wouldn’t…

BETTY
Then enough of your mewling, Forsythe
Pendleton Jones III, you miserable
cholesterol junkie!

Page 9

Suddenly two diner style tables appear in the middle of the waste in a flash an a puff or eldritch force. Using her strange new abilities alone, Betty hurls Veronica hard into a chair at one of the tables. Veronica tumbles over the back of the chair, and drags herself to her feet, Her dress is a shambles, a sexy, sexy shambles.

ARCHIE:
Why are you doing this, Betty?

Betty calmly makes her way over to the second table and sits down in a chair. Her strange garb transforms itself into a 1950’s ensemble. With the slightest motion of her hand, a malt appears at each table, and in each malt, 2 straws. The desert plain is balance. On either side of the frozen Riverdale gang are 2 tables. At one table a helpless Veronica is seated. At the other table is Betty.

BETTY
The time has come to choose, Archiekins.
Choose one of us.

ARCHIE
Betty, why-

BETTY
Try not to forget how I saved your life.
Your precious Veronica may have been able
to afford healing factor and an
Adamantium skeleton, but you, Archie
Andrews, are as frail and human as ever.
Choose.

Page 10

And that’s all of the excerpt we could get on hands on folks. What do you think?

To Whom it May Concern:

Listen, we know you’re looking at us. We get it. We’re on the big side, as far as breasts go. Along with Katy’s eyes, we represent most of the oversized stuff on her. And certainly, we’ve helped her get to where she is today. Our presence requires her to build up her lung capacity, and makes it easy for her to get meetings with agents and record producers.

But lately, we feel that there’s too much attention being paid to us. Katy is a wonderful girl. She’s very kind to us, sharing lotions and various skin moisturizers. She so ever prominently featured us in her “California Gurls” video, and let us fire off giant whipped cream containers. Most girls would never dream of doing that for their breasts. While all of this is flattering, we feel you should pay more attention to Katy as whole, and not just focus on us, asking for pictures of us, etc. We’ll show ourselves when we’re ready. Maybe it will be when a photographer catches us out on yacht, or a beach somewhere, or maybe it will be in a men’s magazine when Katy reaches 14:59.

Until then, love us for who we’re a part of, not just for ourselves. Oh, and Russell, two words: Hand Sanitizer.

Love, Katy Perry’s Breasts.

It’s that time again, when the Correctness corrects a casting mistake on a comic book heroine because a) we like comic books, and b) we like pretty actresses. We are funny that way. This week we take a look at the assassin who stole, and very nearly stabbed Daredevil’s heart, Elektra.

Who Are We Replacing?

Jennifer Garner

She can do action, and she is certainly easy on the eyes, so why replace her? Well, personally I never thought she was nearly exotic enough to play Elektra. Hers is more of a wholesome Midwestern cuteness, which works for Alias, but not so much for Elektra. I think the part calls for something a little darker, a little more dangerous. So lets take a look at some honorable mentions who are worth a mention, but don’t quite make the cut.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Evangeline Lilly

I was never a big “Lost” guy, so I don’t know how she’d perform in action scenes, but at least we know she can get a little gritty. She’s got the right look though, so I’d be willing to see an audition tape at the very least.

Kristen Kruek

Okay, this one comes with a caveat. Fanboys love her, and she certainly has an exotic flare, but I imagine she would need some fairly serious training to get her to the level of ass kicking that would be required for the part. That said, I think there are plenty of nerds who would throw down good money just to see her in the costume.

Missy Peregrym

Missy is the lead in a show called Rookie Blue, a show I have no intention of watching…at all….ever, but at least we know she can do action. She also had a recurring on Heroes, so she’s got some geek cred behind her. If you were looking for someone who suits the part that isn’t yet a household name, you could do a lot worse than Missy here.

The “If I Had a Time Machine” Award Goes To…

Carole Bouquet

You probably only know her from where I know her, the Bond Girl in “For Your Eyes Only.” Still every time I think of Elektra, I imagine her in the part, she has just the right amount of exotic lethality.

The “If only she could act” award goes to…

Danika Patrick

There is something of the Greg Horn Elektra in her face, I think. According to certain sources she can be a grade A Bitch sometimes (Don’t you kind of have to, to be a woman on the Nascar circuit?) but I think that is actually a point in her favour in this instance. I’m sure she’ll end up acting in something eventually, if she hasn’t already…and she looks the part, but I wouldn’t run out to the track and sign her up just yet.

THE TOP THREE

3. Kelly Hu

Okay, so more Asian than Greek, but she has superhero experience, looks fantastic, and could quite believably kick your ass. Hollywood fudges ethnicity all the time, it’s not really an issue if you are right for the part, which I believe she is.

2. Angelina Jolie

The only reason she didn’t make #1 is because she might be just a smidge too old for the part now…but she has the right look, the action star pedigree, and a believable hint of the tragic in her. Just picture that photo above with the red scarf on top and tell me you wouldn’t mark opening day on your calendar!

and…

1. Rhona Mitra

This is a woman who looks like she would cause you serious, serious harm, and you would probably die with at least half an erection. She has that dangerous beauty, and steely determination that Elektra needs. If I met Rhona Mitra in a dark alley, and she pulled out a pair of sais I would be very nervous. And a little turned on. But then really scared again. Rhona wins based on sheer badassery alone.

So there it is…Who did I miss? By the way if you have any suggestions on which comic book heroine you’d like to see re-cast, let me know!

In the meantime…I’ll be in my bunk.

This shameless promo photo of RobbieRobTown by Tyler Stalman at www.stalman.com is just the sort of thing I'm complaining about.

Dear “Sirs”:

This is the last time I visit your appalling website. I was here minding my own business, reading your supposedly “amusing” articles, when I stumbled across this tedious, self aggrandizing nonsense form your staff writer TBinns. I found the whole thing sickening, and you can read it here if you dare to be sickened:

http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/blackout-a-work-of-microfiction-by-tony-binns/

I couldn’t believe your collective gall. Your collective gall is huge and swollen. Your gall is so swollen it is making you impudent.

The internet is no place for advertising. It is an immense public forum that runs on goodwill, and charitable government servers, and rainbow kisses. Primarily rainbow kisses. I would be immensely, immensely disturbed if anyone were to mention that RobbieRobTown has a musical going up at the Edmonton Fringe Festival. Why would you bother to tell me that he has written all the music, or that he is starring in the show? That sort of corporate pandering is deplorable, gentlemen. We have all had enough quirky puppet musicals with banjos. The Muppets got there first, and Jim Henson controls the copyright to all things fabric with banjos.

Imagine how angry I would be if you provided information about the songs, some of which can be found here:

http://www.myspace.com/robmitchelson

I would be disgusted if you pointed out that I could listen to songs from the show on that page. Furthermore, if you had the audacity to mention the following:

Rob Mitchelson’s Music n’ Such | Promote your Page too

Then I would throw up in my mouth, again and again, until the puke leaked out my nose, and possibly ears. That would be quite a feat, as I do not believe the Eustachian tube functions like that. At least the puke blockage would prevent me from hearing those catchy pop songs.

I will certainly not attend this event at any of the following times:

The Tornado: A Musical Prairie Tragicomedy runs at the Edmonton International Fringe Festival from August 12-22, 2010 at the Strathcona Branch of EPL (8331-104th Street).
August 13 10:15 pm
August 14 4:00 pm
August 15 5:30pm
August 17 6:30 pm
August 18 9:30 pm
August 19 1:45 pm
August 20 6:00 pm
August 21 2:00 pm
August 22 7:30 pm.

Who do you people think you are? I am tired of hearing about the intriguing narrative, the “fringe genre” story choices or the fabulous special guest stars as the titular Tornado nightly. What kind of show called “Tornado: A Musical Prairie Tragicomedy” would let hilarious Canadian theatre celebrities take on the most important role?

I am leaving this site forever and never coming back. I seriously mean it, not like those other people who have left the site forever and are never coming back, who you can read all about here:

http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/cult-diaries/

Sincerely,
Some Angry Dude

P.S. Don’t you dare refer me to the website of that talented photographer.

http://www.stalman.com/

Before we begin, I would once again like to stress and clarify that these are my FAVOURITE performances. The “Best” performances would be a different kind of debate, and would, if the AFI is to be believed, need to involve a lengthy discussion of “Some Like it Hot” a movie that I appear to be completely alone in not giving a shit about.

You should also know, that my love of Python is sacred and pure, and my exclusion of them is only because they would dominate everything on the list. If I didn’t have that rule in place, the list would be “My Favourite Monty Python Guys” and the list would be only 6 items long. This is a strictly Non-Python list

So after struggling with the order, I finally narrowed it down to ten, but it proved so difficult, I felt the need to include this rather lengthy honorable mention list…

Honorable Mentions:

Kevin Kline – A Fish Called Wanda (I’m DissaPOINTED!!!!),
Steve Martin – Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (“not mother?” “Oaklahoma! Oaklahoma Oaklahoma!”) and The Jerk (“I just need this ashtray…) or The Man with Two Brains for that matter (“Get that CAT out of here!”)
Robert Downey Jr. – Tropic Thunder (For passing the phrase “Full Retard” into the vernacular)
Woody Allen – Annie Hall(“Don’t you wish real life was like this?”)
Gene Wilder – Blazing Saddles (“Yeah but I shoot with THIS hand”)
Jennifer Coolidge – Best In Show (“we could talk or, not talk…for hours”)
Fred Willard – A Mighty Wind (“Wha Happened? “ actually, Fred Willard in ANY Christopher Guest movie)
Madeline Kahn – Clue (Yes, I HATED her HATED… FLAMES!!! FLAMES!!!)
Bill Murray – Caddyshack (“Cindrella story…Outta nowhere…”)
Dan Akroyd – The Blues Brothers (“You want I should wipe da bugs off yer windshield?”)
Jim Carrey – Dumb and Dumber (“Big Gulp’s huh? Well, see ya!)
Harry Shearer – Spinal Tap (“are we going to do Stonehenge tomorrow?”)
Rick Moranis – Ghostbusters (“Ghostbusters…? Who does your taxes?”)

So with that out of the way, I present to you my

Top Ten Favourite Performances in a Comedy Movie.

10.Chevy Chase: National Lampoon’s Vacation

Call me a purist, but I don’t like ANY of the sequels to this movie. The dark edge of Vacation was quickly replaced by the broad double takes and crass one liners in its sequels. Clark Griswald was clearly an idiot, but he was a much more relate-able idiot in the first movie…certainly a more empathetic one. Chevy’s dry delivery, and put upon patience works perfectly and it makes his blow up at the end believable and hilarious. The original is a classic, thanks in no small part to Chevy Chase

9. Steve Carell: Anchorman

Steve Carell committed an act of grand larceny…he out and out stole Anchorman from Will Ferrell. This is the performance that got him The 40 Year Old Virgin, which launched him as a comedy superstar. That utterly blank stare, complete cluelessness, desperate to keep up with the machismo around him. Almost every phrase he utters is a gem. But Will Ferrell needn’t worry because number 8 is…

8.Will Ferrell: Elf

Pure unabashed joy. I laughed over “Good News, I saw a dog today!” for days afterward. Now to be fair, I’m a complete sucker for Christmas, but I think we can all agree if there is a character tailor made for Will Ferrell’s gifts, it’s Buddy the Elf. No one does over the top enthusiasm better. I wasn’t a Will Ferell fan until I saw this movie.

7.Peter Sellers: Dr. Strangelove

Jesus, where do I start? Perhaps I’ll start by griping that this comedic performance for the ages was ROBBED of an Oscar by David Fucking Niven sleepwalking his way through “My Fair Lady”. If you ever doubt that comedy will always be a second class citizen on award shows, you need look no further than that. All three of the characters Sellers played in this movie are NOTE PERFECT, but I have a special place in my heart for the President… “Demitri…? How do you think I feel?” This is a comedic genius at the height of his powers

6. Catherine O’Hara : Waiting for Guffman

No one does purposely bad acting better than Catherine O’Hara. It’s almost like she embarked on a 5 week tour of small town amateur theatres to prepare for the role. She has every nuance down, the weird rising inflection, the grade school hammy acting, the awkward shuffling stage movement, and the inflated sense of importance. She is great in everything she does, but this performance is so layered, and so funny, it stands head and shoulders above just about everything else she’s done.

5.John Belushi: National Lampoon’s Animal House

This one is as much about the iconography as it is the performance…this list would be woefully inadequate without a mention of Bluto. The scene where they are sneaking in to the stables alone is worth his inclusion, that’s not even mentioning The Pep talk (Both to Flounder and to his recently expelled Deltas) and the Ladder scene. Belushi was a star the minute he set foot on the stage at Second City…this is the movie where he let everyone else know it.

4. Christopher Guest: This is Spinal Tap

This is a standout performance in a movie that is wall to wall great performances. And not just through the oft quoted bits…one of my favorite scenes is when Nigel goes back to the dressing room to tell his former band mates that Sex farm is charting in Japan. (“Spinal Tap’s recording of Sex Farm?”) He says more with a look and a shrug than most actors say with a three page monologue. Go back and have another look at that scene, even so called “Dramatic actors” could learn a lesson or two there.

3.Leslie Nielsen: Airplane

Once upon a time , Leslie Nielsen had no clue he was funny. That became the key to his success in Airplane, which is played stone cold straight no matter how absurd things got. For awhile, there was no one better for Zucker Abrams style lunacy. But, as he got cast in more and more comedies, he started “trying” to be funny, and it devolved into shameless and painful mugging, until he was a direct to video shadow of his former greatness. But we will always have this performance in Airplane, one of the funniest performances in one of the funniest movie’s ever made.

2. Richard E, Grant: Withnail and I

He is a selfish, arrogant, cowardly, manipulative, irredeemable alcoholic bastard, and by the time the movie is over and he is reciting Hamlet in the rain at Hyde Park damned if you don’t love the guy. Or at least feel for him. This is a brilliant, insanely quotable performance, one that will follow Richard E. Grant around until the end of his days. (But somehow, I don’t think he minds) It takes a lot of doing to make this monster human and likeable. When you consider Grant is a complete teetotaler, it becomes even more impressive.

And my Favourite performance in a comedy movie…

1. Bill Murray: Ghostbusters

“I’m so excited…you are about to find out who to call”

-Zombieland

I had a “Ghostbusters quote-a-thon” on my Facebook status recently and 98 percent of the quotes came from Bill Murray’s Dr. Peter Venkmen. He is throwing away lines most actors would kill for with a casual shrug because there are so many more coming. There is never a moment in this movie when he is NOT funny, and it all looks so fucking EFFORTLESS. He is the only guy in the world who can look goofy and cool at the exact same time. When you say “Bill Murray” this is the role you picture…the laid back sarcastic shyster, this role more than any other sums up why we love the guy so much. He made the line “I’m gonna check the fridge” funny, for God’s sake. I wouldn’t have thought that was humanly possible.

So there it is…another list for you to debate with me and amongst yourselves. Did I miss anyone? Let me know!