Here it is, at long last. The eight contestants in the Supervillain Smackdown. Johnny, tell us who is in the tournament, won’t you?

JOHNNY ANNOUNCERMAN: Sure thing Tony, week one sees the Clown Prince of Crime, The Joker squaring off vs. The nefarious Green Goblin. We can all be certain gas will somehow be involved, and the Joker may even sue for copyright infringement. Then in week two, it’s fanboy wet dream night as lithe and lovely Catwoman takes on the woman who was blue skinned and hassled by “The Man” looong before anybody in Avatar was…Mystique! Week three…The Master of Metal Magneto will “Test his metal” against the head of the Yellow Lantern corps Sinestro in the “Battle of Guys Whose Name Ends in O”. Then in week 4 The Ruler of Latveria is seeking revenge for his weak ass portrayal in the movies! Dr. Doom will be taking his frustrations out on Venom, who is seriously pissed off for the EXACT SAME REASON. Tickets are on sale now, but God help you if you buy one.

Tony: Thanks Johnny. FAQ time…

Uh…Where the hell is Lex Luthor?

He’s bankrolling the whole thing. We figured he wasn’t the sort to get his hands dirty.

Where the Hell is Ozymandias?

Too powerful. No matter what happened in the arena, he would have already set forth the plan that would kill his opponent 30 minutes ago.

Where the Hell is______________?

Look people, there were only 8 spots, we had to try and bring balance to the whole thing. On the plus side, we will also be creating short 1 off battles called “The Undercard” where we can speculate about Gargamel vs. Daedalus all we want without pissing off those who tend to take this exercise rather more seriously then it is meant to be taken.

Does the two day prep rule still apply?

Yes it does.

Where SPECIFICALLY does this take place, as it affects the outcome?

It’s a pre planned, funded fight, in a stadium, with a roof.

Is this to the death?

I can’t think of anybody, besides maybe Catwoman who wouldn’t kill someone, so yes…to the death.

Can we heap abuse on you in the comment section if we don’t agree with you?

We wouldn’t have it any other way.

When does this start?

Tomorrow, boys and girls. Buckle up.

I recently spent a weekend at the West Edmonton Mall, home of various lemurs, waterslides, and aging amusement park rides. While each of those things is worthy of much attention, the thing that was consistently evident was this:

Men’s fashion is in a dire state of affairs. I’m talking worse than the 70’s. Worse than the 80’s. Makes the flannel of the 90’s seem like a 3 piece suit. The ratio of awfulness was at least 4 out of 5.

What are we talking about? A fucking awful combination of Affliction, Tap-out, and Ed Hardy. It was hard to find a shirt without some nonsense words written in Old English script, worn by someone who couldn’t read it even if it was written in block letters.

Is this what we’ve come to? We all desire to look like Wrestling characters? We choose to exert manliness not by hitting the gym, but by buying $100 t-shirts? Not only $100 shirts, but the ugliest fucking shirts possible. I mean, look at this shit!

If you gave me that shirt for free, the only time I’d wear it was for that day where I stain the fence.

Old English script? Check. Tough guy vibe? Check. Ugly as shit? Check.

This shirt has a special kind of sad. I think this is the kind of shirt they give to the “special kids” after they reach the age of 30. Note the model has, you guessed it, tattoos.

And my special favorite, this one is an actual photo of a guy I saw at the mall. The innocent have been horribly photoshopped for the protection.

this guy not only is rocking the satin winter jacket last seen in Starlight Express, but he has an original Ed Hardy winter hat in canary yellow. I was tempted, after seeing this, to simply drink some bleach, as i’m no longer sure there is any hope for the human race.

And where do we place the blame for all this? I blame the tattoo guys. At some point, tattoos went from being something that only sailors and inmates had to the “hip new thing”. Soon, everyone was getting any old thing slapped on their arms, legs, back, and scrotum. What happened to the old days of the lady on the bicep that could be made to dance? Now it’s tramp-stamps, “tribal” bands, japanese characters and Calvin peeing on things. Way to class it up, society!

Of course, you might just be Cool.

Or maybe you’re all “tribal!”

But nothing prepares you for this kind of thing. I’ll remember you forever, in a special way.

It takes a special lady to rock the “Baby Head being eaten by a shark in my armpit” look.

My personal favorite: This one could likely have a post all to itself, as I have many questions, based on the implications it raises. Three things last forever, Faith, Love, and Doggy Style.

Before anyone starts furiously typing comment defending their “piece of art”, save it. A quick trip to the waterpark should give you enough proof as to why getting something etched on you in your 20’s is a bad idea in your 40’s.

Remember how you make fun of the clothes your parents used to wear? Remember how those clothes came back in style? Well, fashion is eating itself at such a rate now that we’re skipping a step, where the clothes are instantly horrible, and won’t be back, because the next horrible idea is right behind.

Makes a guy long for the days of the three piece suit again, doesn’t it?

You know those mornings where you wake up and the sun is shining, the birds are singing, everyone walks with a spring in their step and a smile, and you would STILL punch a girl scout in the throat if she tried to sell you some cookies?

Some days you can’t help it, no matter what the day is shaping up like, you are in a bad mood. You just want to scream at everyone, be belligerent to people, and call them idiots if they don’t agree with every little thing you say. If you are not Bill O’Reilly, who makes a living out of being a complete and utter jack ass this is generally considered unacceptable behavior. So what can you do?

Well for me, there are certain songs that put me in a good mood almost instantly. They are songs that defy grumpiness, that create a small bubble of irresistible cheer. Granted, what you would choose to put on this list might be vastly different than mine. For instance, you may have noticed, with some derision, that there is almost nothing on my list after 1984. That’s because I’m an old fart who is only a couple of years away from yelling at kids to get off his lawn. I should have growth charts on the wall to measure my pants creeping up. But that is another blog. Here then, is my list of songs that provide me with instant good modification. Feel free to add yours in the comment section.

Call me Al by Paul Simon.

Maybe it’s the jaunty bass line, maybe it’s the peppy horns, or maybe because the video may actually be the last time on record that Chevy Chase was funny. But whatever the reason, this one always gets a quick volume boost from me whenever it comes on the radio

Stepping Out by Joe Jackson

“You can dress in pink and blue just like a child
And in a yellow taxi turn to me and smile
We’ll be there in just a while if you follow me”

How much fun does THAT sound like?

Spirit of Radio by Rush

“Begin the day with a friendly voice, a companion unobtrusive…”

As a Canadian nerd it is my sacred and sworn duty to be a die hard Rush junkie. That bursting guitar riff, with epic drum fills always makes me want to stand up and cheer, even if the song turned out to be painfully prophetic about which direction the music industry was going. AI picked this version because Neil Peart’s rat tail amuses me. Also because I had this concert on Beta, and I watched it constantly. Good times.

Second hand news by Fleetwood Mac

There was a time when almost every guy wanted to lay Stevie Nicks down in the tall grass and let them do their stuff. This is the first track off of the legendary Rumors album, which was written at the peak of their discontent with each other, but yielded some great tracks.

Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel

Written shortly after his departure from Genesis, Peter Gabriel taps into the uncertainty, but also the exhilaration of being on his own for the first time, and stretching his creative wings.

Superstition

If you can listen to this song without moving some part of your body along with it, you have no soul, and should probably consult your nearest convenient non denominational spiritual advisor.

Revolution

The.

Beatles.

Kicking Ass.

And

Taking

Names.

Love it.

Won’t Get Fooled Again by The Who

Before it become forever associated with David Caruso, (Urgh, by the way. Just urgh.) this song was the quintessential rock anthem. The video below is from the movie “The Kids are Alright,” and it may well be everything I love about rock and roll in a nutshell.

ABC by The Jackson Five

I swear to you, this, on loudspeaker in all the world’s trouble spots would bring about world peace in about ½ an hour.

Honarable Mentions and exceptions to the post 1980 rule….

Knights of Cydonia by Muse

NO ONES GONNA TAKE MEEEE AAAALIVE!!!!!

My wife threw me a surprise 40th birthday party that involved me having to rescue her from the zombies she allegedly created in her copious spare time, all of which were conveniently located at a paintball course that was just outside of town. This was blasting on the car stereo as we arrived to suit up and kick some Zombie ass.

Teddy Picker by The Arctic Monkeys

Who’d want to men of the people, when there’s people like you?

Amen brother. Amen.

Recently, the provincial government announced plans to increase university tuitions by 1.5%.

I am a Canadian, and in a medium-expensive program so 1.5% of my total annual tuition is $90.

Appalled by the government’s fascistic money-grab, Our Student’s Union recommended all of us students take a weekend out of our lives, go away from homework and theses, and drive to our provincial capital for the weekend. There, we would protest at the legislature.

1. The legislature is closed on weekends, there are no officials to see us protest.
2. Cost of gas to drive to our provincial capital: $100
3. Incidental gas in town: $20
4. Food for the weekend, on the cheap: $50
5. Accommodations in a tent: $70

Cost of tuition hike: $90
Cost of purposeless protest directed at an empty building: $240

Nice work, SU, nice work.

Some people I know who are into spiritualism, which is the practice of inexplicably believing anything you are told by some jackass who wrote a book, swear by “The Secret” The central idea, I’m told, is that if you think of something hard enough, and want it enough, it will in fact happen.

If this is true, then I would have had sex with Phoebe Cates in the 80’s because I was 16, and I was thinking about that ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

Did not have sex with. At all.

“No No No, ” they say to me. You have to “Actualize your Happiness” (Catchy jargon is the key to both happiness and selling books it seems)” and take steps to MAKE it happen.”

So to sum up…the philosophy behind the book is I have to want something, then do all the stuff required to get it. Which I’m pretty sure me and everybody else was doing anyway. So…the complete opposite of a secret, then.

Fuck you Kevin Kline.

Exciting news gamers! We have a sneak preview of the upcoming MTG Correctness expansion pack! Now you can create entire decks of Correctness to amaze and dazzle your friends with. Tournament play is about to be taken to a whole new level. And by that of course we mean these are not in the least bit legal in tournaments. Or actual games. But we have put in a call about the expansion to Wizards of the Coast, and we expect to hear from them any day now.

Well, not them personally but certainly their lawyers

So get your counter dice ready, your mountain dew at hand and turn Rush up on the Ipod fellow nerds, as we proudly present a few samples from Magic :The Gathering the Correctness Expansion

The rumor recently broke that John Krasinski of the Office is on a short list to play Cap in the upcoming Captain America movie. I never really thought of him as the type. I’m guessing they will have to make a few script changes. Changes like this, for instance.

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

(Captain America jumps down from the rafters, to confront his arch enemy)

RED SKULL: Captain… America is it? How fitting. Just like your country you are sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong…and just like your country, you have entered the war far too late. The missiles are set to launch. All I need to do is dispose of you….OH COME ON!!

(Cut to Red Skulls desk drawer, where his trusty luger is now covered in Jello. Cut to Captain America, who looks at the camera and smirks.)

Int. Office Day

Captain America is in the C.I.A. office speaking to the Camera.

CAP: I’ve always believed that mutated Nazi madmen just need to lighten up. I mean, everybody loves Jello, right? How can you not love Jello? You can put anything in it, canned fruit…bananas …lugers…(he smirks at the camera)

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

RED SKULL: How did you even…Ohhh it’s in the firing pin…these are collector’s items…YOU OWE ME A LUGER!!!

CAP: How do you know I did that?

RED SKULL: OF COURSE IT WAS YOU!!! Who else would have…?

CAP: I’m just saying that you have a lot of people working for you here, you give a lot of orders….people get resentful…

RED SKULL: Well there is this one guy….

CAP: See?

RED SKULL: SHUT UP !! IT WAS TOTALLY YOU!! But it doesn’t matter…you can’t stop the missiles now. Ah the rich Irony, that you Americans created the very Arayan Super Man that our regime has been fighting so hard to create. By trying to stop us, you yourselves are forced to concede we are correct, by your very existence! Freedom is a petty price to pay for the true Arayan nation to arise and conquer the inferior races…

(Captain America gives a pained look to the camera)

Int. Office Day

CAP: What I’ve learned about being a Superhero is that there is always going to be a monologue from the villain. These things can go on for a looooong time. You have to find ways to occupy your attention or you’ll go nuts. Ways like…slipping away defusing the missiles and replacing them with confetti bombs. (He smiles)

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

RED SKULL:…and THAT is why we will prevail…Look the missiles are launched, say goodbye to Uncle Sam, Apple Pie and…

(Missles explode, it is a hailstorm of Confetti)

RED SKULL: What? HOW? DAMN YOU CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!!!!!

(Enter Rip Tailor waving the American Flag)

RIP: Did someone say Confettii? HA HA HA! Whooopeeeeee!!!

Int. Office Day

CAP: Yes. I did hire Rip Taylor. Anything worth doing is worth doing right. (He smiles)

Would you kindly read this column by Correctness Guest Correspondent Victoria Banner

So I am playing tons of Bioshock as of lately, not Bioshock 2 but Bioshock the original Game of the Year for the year of 2008. I am playing Bioshock because I am that special kind of magical broke you get when you are a student AND you work at Jubilations once a week for peanuts….yep that special magical type of broke. I am also playing Bioshock because I never beat it when I first rented it, *GASP* say you? I know crazy shit….but Bioshock scares the ever loving crap out of me. I know it is hard to picture me having the ever loving crap scared out of me because I have Zombie dumpster baby as a legit thing on my resume and I personally feel that Paranormal Activity is on the same level as the Godfather. But just cause I like scary stuff doesn’t mean scary things don’t scare the crap out of me. (Oh also I am in that one people watching hallway there @ the lovely university of Calgary and today’s Please don’t kill me of the day is the guy behind me who has been listening to the song “Bitter Sweet Symphony” over and over on his iPhone speaker really loudly he is just staring straight forward and hugging his knees, he has been doing this for the past 52 minutes, that actually also scares the crap Out of me). But yeah Bioshock scares the crap out of me mostly because its is a first person shooter that is too god damn first person! I can’t see my Characters back…I know in real life I can’t see my back but that doesn’t count because in real life you don’t have Big Daddies throwing grenades at the back of your head. Also I don’t like it because you are incharge of making choices as if you were actually in Rapture, but I feel I am making choices for Jack, Atlas and the guys down at 2K games. Very few thing I have done in that game are things that I would actually do if I found myself stuck in the crumbling ruins of an Ayn Rand-esque utopia. So without further a-do (cause this whole paragraph I typed is a giant shitload of a-do) I present to you:

Victoria’s Trip to Rapture:

Victoria: Dobie doobie do I am on a sixties airplane, eatin’ free peanuts and sitting on a plane, sure hope we don’t crash! Doop doop do!

Captain: This is your pilot Speaking, we are on route so some place across the Atlantic ocean, I hope you enjoyed you free peanuts, our current cruising altitude is CRASHING THE FUCK IN TO A FIREY ABYSS OF DEATH AND YOUR FUCKED! Please return your tray in to an up right position.

*Plane Crashes in to a horrible fiery abyss*

Victoria: Good thing I passed level three of bubbledunkers, there is alot of fire in this water and its weird because the flames always sprout up when ever I try to swim away from that ominous looking structure. Better swim toward the ominous looking structure.

Hmmm Rapture? I am immediately suspicious on this place because I once got sick from a wrap I got at a place called wrapture, true story. I am Just going to hang out on the stairs here…the ocean is pretty fucking on fire over here so I assume a boat will probably come check this shit out. Am I the only one who survived this? Awesome, good thing I let that bitch take the window seat.

Victoria: Okay I have been sitting here for about 30 hours, the ocean is still very on fire which I am immediately more suspicious of, that I was 30 hours ago…no boats have passed and no other planes have crashed…getting kinda thirsty I guess I will go in the big creepy building.

*opens the big creepy doors*

Victoria: Oh look at this room, this it nice…not as bad as I thought, look at that big gold statue , that Ryan guy kinda looks like Walt Disney…I am so hoping this rapture place is a new secret Disney land. Are they playing Annette Hanshaw over the radio? I love this song! OOooOOo whats this a Bathysphere? Nice I could use a nice bath, I wonder if there’s like a vending machine over by the statue?

*Goes in to bathysphere*

Victoria: LIES! This is on no way shape or form a bath…this is like submarine elevator, which is the two worst places to be stuck with a fat guy, so I guess I am luck in the fact I am not stuck in here with a fat guy. HOLY FUCK! IS THAT A WHALE?!?! SWIMMING BESIDE A SKY SCRAPER? What prevents the whales from smashing all these glass tubes that is not good infrastructure on a city. But then again how many people have functioning degrees in engineering and marine biology? Ho-well, I like the musi-*ZAP* FUCK! Elevator is sparking, in water….so not safe, not a fan roving black outs here. Rapture needs to pay more electricity bills.

*bathysphere docks*

Victoria: I can’t see anything. At All. Wish someone would turn on a light.

*Lights flash on a splicer ripping apart corpse, it is singing to itself*

Victoria:OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT LIGHTS OFF LIGHTS THE FUCK OFF!!!

Atlas: Hoi! I am going to do my god damn best to get you out alive, I am your only chance if you want to survive this hell hole known as rapture.

Victoria: OH good, I am just going to wait in here while you come get me, we cool?

Atlas: No I am not going to help you get out of here in the sense I am helping you get out here, I am helping you get out here in the sense I am going to say annoying shit with an accent through this radio.

Victoria: Fuck you, you better be hot.

Atlas: there you go I got the door off the bathysphere, go get a wrench.

Victoria: Why are you doing that no bad idea, leave the door on please…..fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Welp I got a wrench now I can bash creepy people who are here to do creepy things. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Grossss this place is covered in god damn syringes, this is worse than bad parts of Vancouver. Yuckkkkk.

Atlas: Oyi! You found a syringe of Adam Mate, jab that in your arm and you will have lightning hand powers. You can use that to fight splicers.

Victoria: No fucking way you disembodied voice bastard. I am not putting heroin in my arm not matter how much I can “hold the lightning”…wtf is Lightning hands anyway? The name of some whitesnake album you were listening to on your last bastard herion bender? Fuck you I haven’t even used a syringe in my life.

*Victoria gets whacked upside the head by a thuggish splicer, she falls and accidentally jabs herself with the yucky Adam Syringe*

Victoria: EWWWWWWWW!!!! Grossssssss! Ewwwwww! FUCK I have lightning hands, definitely on a heroin trip, only explanation
.
*zaps splicer*

Atlas: Good Job! You have lightning hands now! Go zap the door so it will get power and you can carry on.

Victoria: Nah actually I am going to zap the Bathy Sphere and wait up by the statue of Walt Disney.

*After Desperately Zapping the Bathysphere for about an hour Victoria gives up*

Victoria:Fuuuuuuuck I gotta go through the door don’t I?

Atlas(smug): Yup.

Victoria: Godammit. Why are there so many zombies in this stupid city…

Atlas: Those are splicers.

Victoria: Splicer- That sounds like a slap-chop add on. Also why are all of them doctors? Does the Rapture Med school have like super low admission standards? Like seriously there is doctors and women here and they are all trying to kill me? All all these women the doctors wives? Cause thats why Rapture collapsed…if every woman was married to a doctor, she wouldn’t be allowed a smug superiority complex that is needed by doctor wives, she would be miserable and start to deteriorate and she would nag her husband and than he would start to go crazy. That’s how this goddamn place collapsed: smug bitches. Also if everyone was a doctor who the hell did they treat? I guess all the people designing these posters everywhere…yep there’s a short cycle Doctors make products for advertisers, advertisers advertise products for doctors. Well that is lame, lame la-AHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!!!

Little Sister: Right this way Mr.Bubbles

Victoria: Ahhhhh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Big Daddy: BLERGHHH!!

Atlas: Oi! Thats a Little sister and that big guy following her around is a Big Daddy. Hes like her body guard. Quick Kill that big guy and than you can havest the Adam from the little sisters.

Victoria: You are telling me to kill that huge guy, so that I can commit homicide to a fucking cute kid so that I can get more dirty heroin needles to jab in to my goddamn arm. You my friend are a fucking junkie. You know what….having a giant ass guy throwing granades as my bodyguard is not a bad plan…that chick has got this place figured out.

Atlas: What do you mean? I need you to save my family who is in the explosive submarine and then save me and then save rapture than make a plant compound and then kill several key figures before finally killing Ryan!!

Victoria: You are crazy…I am not doing your chore list for you, you bastard. Nope I think I am going to go crawl in to those pipes and beome a little sister.

Atlas: You can’t do that! You need to save rapture!!!

Victoria: Fuck it.

*Crawls in to little sister pipe*

(Victoria is a student living in Calgary. We still owe her dinner.)

So now that the power lanterns of the DC Universe has opened up to various other colors and various other states of being, the it would be remiss of the Correctness not to mention a few other Lanterns that you could see appearing soon!

You are welcome.

Pink Lantern: Utilizes the power of nausea heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea. The latter being a cross over with the Brown Lantern. On the plus side, the Pink Lantern is a shining symbol for breast cancer awareness.

Beige Lantern: Harnesses the power of mediocrity. Likes: Nickleback, Sandra Bullock Movies,Everybody Loves Raymond, and Three and a Half Men. Dislikes: Being mistaken for the Khaki Lantern

Grey Lantern: Retired. Uses his power ring to get kids off his lawn. Very excited that Jay Leno will be back, and that his son Patrick got life insurance.

White Lantern: Thinks there are too many other colored Lanterns getting into the country and getting jobs while his cousin the Off-White Lantern is still on a waiting list. Uses his ring to exert dominance and get paid more than any of the other Lanterns. Weaknesses: he can neither jump nor dance.

Purple Lantern: Powered by the Color Purple. The movie, not the actual color. Got his ring passed down to him by the alien known as Prince after Under The Cherry Moon crash landed on Earth. Uses the ring to give the deadliest nurples known to mankind.

And remember kids, using your Black Lantern ring to make your velvet poster look way cool is dangerous as it may revive and zombify any beloved pets buried in the back yard.

NO!! TIMMY!! WAIT COME BACK!! DIDN’T YOU READ PET SEMETARY?! NO DON’T DO…oh God.