Well gang, it’s confirmed, The Correctness will be at The Calgary Comic Expo Saturday June 18th at 6:00 pm for part two of the live Super hero Smackdown.

In addition to which Admin Rock will be selling his “Wares” in Artist Alley. You can’t miss him, he’s the Bruce McCollough-esque fellow standing near the mind blowing lego mosiacs.

And as a special bonus for you the Correct, yours truly will be headlining at Yuk Yuks, June 16th to the 18th. Your expo pass gets you two for one tickets. But here is your chance to get in for free…

In honor of the recent anniversary of the passing of Douglas Adams I am declaring a “Vogon Poetry” Competition. Do your worst. Make me wish I was being thrown out of an airlock. The most torturous Vogon poem gets two free tickets to see the show. Here’s a little number I whipped up for a similar contest a few years back just to get you started…

Reflections

Oh, slab of Mung,
That quivers egrubiously between my folds
Will you not creambulate lovingly toward my thigh?
Fiptious jelly that smells of cheese and musk
My thumb caresses thy curdled putressesses
Why do you mock your quimbling host?
I banish thee
I love thee
And ulpliciosuly spread thee on toast

Now write your own and see Tbinns do stand up live or…. (Dum Dum Dum) Tell me how good you thought poem was!

Well, after a delightful lunch on a patio, The Correctness collectively decided we liked the sound of a Team Smackdown. We tossed some names out, but have yet to make any official brackets, so now is your chance to speak up.

Some things you should know…Heroes can only belong to one team in the tournament, ie: Wolverine can fight for the X-Men or The Avengers, not both. Also the teams will consist of the SPECIFIC heroes we lay out. So when we say “The Avengers” We would say “Consisting of Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Wasp, and Giant Man.” and we decide that Hulk is Fighting for the Defenders, or that we decide Hawkeye is lame and doesn’t make the cut, so be it. Let’s face it, if we let EVERYONE who has ever been an X-Man fight it would be chaos.

Here are some of the names we are kicking around so far, feel free to make your suggestions below.

The Avengers

The JSA

And don’t worry…Rob has plenty of epic side battles planned (Muppet Babies vs The Scooby Doo gang, anyone?)

So…who did we miss? Speak now or forever hold your insults.

Us: Hey you know what this site needs?

Peanut Gallery: Better writers?

Us: Bite Us!

No no, what this site needs is more impotent nerd rage. No one has insulted Robbierobtown for his non opinions on Green Lantern in so long he’s calling 1-900 numbers and asking THEM to call him an encephalitic cum eating intern.

That is not right people.

That’s why, sometime this week, The Correctness is going to sit down, eat for more food than is healthy for men of our advancing age group and talk about yet another Smackdown. As much as we’d all like to invite you out for said lunch, we know the scheduling would be a nightmare. We can’t even schedule a dinner with someone who won a contest, much less all 12 of you who regularly read the site. So instead, we offer you this spot to make your opinions known, what kind of a Smackdown would you like to see next? Here are a few suggestions that are already on the table.

Movie Action Hero Smackdown (Indy versus James Bond, that kind of thing)

Mega Power Smackdown (Thanos, Galactus, and that large headed crowd)

Loser Smackdown (A best of the worst, who is the least lame of the world’s lamest superheroes)

Ladies on Ladies Smackdown (All female superheroes. This may or may not involve spontaneous lesbianism. But knowing Rob, the chances are pretty good.)

The Same/Same Smackdown (Similar powered heroes from different universes, Green Arrow vs. Hawkeye, Quicksilver Vs. Flash, that kind of thing)

If you have any suggestions, go right ahead and lay em on us. Also, if you could say something nasty to Rob, he’d appreciate it.

Smackdown: AWESOME UNDERCARD 2: Aquaman vs. Robin vs. Goats on Bicycles

Since our much criticized elimination of Robin and Aquaman from our Superhero Smackdown, our fans (okay, one fan) have been calling out in eerie unison: “Bring back Aquaman and Robin!”. You have climbed the steps of Mt. Seleyah, you have smelled the smell of salmon on your hands, you have been, and ever shall be their friend. Well, your prayers have been answered, because as the still unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I alone have the time available to pander to our superfans* (*fan).  I have been a little busy fellating donkeys to think the really deep thoughts, but we’re not here to talk about what I did to which species, or who saw what and told which ladies, sealing my celibate fate.

Let’s get down to brass tacks, as they say in the fabric measurement industry. Today’s battle is between Robin the Boy Wonder (who for our purposes, I guess is Dick Grayson), Aquaman (who for our purposes is Ariel), and Goats on Bicycles (X-Men vol 1, issue133 : Hideous Goats on Bikes: Dark Phoenix Saga).

First up is Robin, the “Boy Wonder” or, alternately, the boy “Wonder”. Dick Grayson is the son of some circus acrobats. After the murder of his parents, Grayson was raised in a cave by a wealthy weirdo in hosiery, and there is little canonical evidence to suggest that Robin had developed any strange fetishes because of it. Mind you, I’d turn out all kinds of straight if Black Canary showed up in my neighbourhood when I was a kid- or Vicki Vale…

Next up is Aquaman. The Aquaman was the 16 year old daughter of King Triton. She was obsessed with the human world above the sea, and the stories of her journeys from town to town were featured in a weekly Canadian drama series called “The Littlest Mermaid Hobo”. In fan favourite episode “A Mock Fish Time”, Mermaid Hobo helps a reporter (played by Efrem Zimbalist Jr) track down a sasquatch-like creature. Memorable stuff.

Both Aquaman and Robin were part of a highly influential team of superheroes known as The West Coast Avengers. Along with drummer Dave Grohl, the West Coast Avengers played 45 sold out shows on their “Fortress of Solid-tude” tour in the summer of ‘97.

Facing off against the penultimate dynamic duo is the terror of Goats on Bicycles. They are Goats on Bicycles. Mother fucking goats on bicycles. They are regular goats, on bicycles, but they are fucking the fuck on fucking bicycles. Who taught those goats how to ride bicycles? Why do they keep riding past your house? Circling, and circling, around the block, again and again and again, bleating their preternatural bleats, chewing on tin cans and shoes, menacing and drooling as they pedal. The whoosh of the streamers on their handlebars, the clinkity clink of those things that go on their spokes.  What about the pants-filling image of dozens upon dozens of cloven hooves striking dozens upon dozens of platform pedals, the squeaking chains, the banana seats- WHY ARE THEY ON BIKES? THEY DON’T BELONG ON BIKES! DEMONIC GOATS ON FUCKING BICYCLES!! Good Lord, some of them are wearing helmets, and their leader has a bandanna tied around his left front leg, and his denim jacket has the sleeves cut off. What’s that patch on the back of his jacket say? Jesus, it says “Satyr-day Night Fever”. Mother the fuck fucking goat fucking goat assed goats on fucking the fucking bi-fucking-cy-the-fuck-cles! GOATS ON BIKES!!!!

There is no way this fight can go well. Robin has been known to kick some ass, and he may or not be Batman right now in the DC universe. One thing is certain; Dick Grayson has never, ever faced an enemy like goats on bikes. What the hell is wrong with them? They are on fucking bikes! BIKES! Robin and Aquaman would definitely have to team up to defeat a foe of this magnitude!

Aquaman and Robin have worked together before on “The Case of the Missing Chums”, and subsequently in “The Keep on the Borderlands”, so they have an excellent team dynamic. Likely, when faced by the arrival of the Goats on Bicycles, Aquaman would summon either Nemo, or that super mean fish from Sea World. Meanwhile, Robin would practice his crane kick and prepare himself like he would if he was facing the Cobra-Kai dojo en masse.  At this point in the paragraph, I would like to reference three more things from my childhood, for no apparent reason and without emphasis on their importance: Sectaurs, Tahiti Treat, Super Grover.  I was an adult by the time Finding Nemo was released, but killer whales have been killing people since I was young.

The Goats on Bicycles are not stupid. They know that Aquaman is better near water, and they also know other comedians and television programs have mocked her uselessness away from the water.  Consequently, this battle will end up taking place in the Mid-Atlantic, where Robin would be having a hard time swimming. Sure, Aquaman is in her element, and she can call on her racial-stereotype singing crab friend to assist in the battle, but poor Robin would be wishing he had borrowed the Bat-wet-suit, or an assload of Bat-shams.

“Holy Goats on Bikes!” Robin would say.

“Blub blub blub!” Aquaman would say.

I honestly couldn’t imagine this going well for the Dynamic Duet. Once the goats on bikes have had time to prepare you know they would show up on fucking seadoos. GOATS ON JETSKIS! Mother the fuck fucking goat the fuck S on jet the fucking fuck ski the fuck S!

My God, Imagine them, pedaling around on their barge, while the ones on jetskis speed through the choppy surf like some nightmarish deleted scene from The Road Warrior, or an even more nightmarishly undeleted scene from Waterworld. Goats upon horrible goats, bleating and bleating and bleating!

Winner: Goats on Bikes

Loser: Humanity

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s the Finals! Two men enter, one man leave!!! The Flash vs. Superman for all the hypothetical marbles!! It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

ROB:

Well, it’s the final round this week, and we’ve all had a chance to reminisce about our success as a one hit wonder comedy blog, and talk about how “Keys to the VIP” is a show somehow, while The Correctness does comedy for free because we are obviously not as funny as “Keys to the VIP”, which as I previously mentioned, is somehow a televised “comedy” program for which a staff of writers and producers get paid.

Superman versus The Flash. Much has been made over who is faster. Much has been made over who is more capable of time travel. Much has been made of who could deposit a brick inside the head of whom.

Several questions are immediately raised. First, is Superman impervious to damage all the way through his meaty parts, or his he built like a mighty tank that is lined with tender meats? If The Flash just showed up inside of Superman with a cheese grater, would Supes live, or die? Or can Superman only be defeated from inside of his own body by kryptonite-coated viruses, or love?

If The Flash truly is faster than Superman, how long can The Flash flee the total devastation of his anus meats before he needs to stop for an energy drink or sandwich?

Here is how this would go down. The Flash has none of the awesome superpowers that Superman has, but he might be a teency bit faster. The green light flashes, the flag goes up, The Flash takes off fast, and Superman runs right after him.

After a 14 hour continuous chase in which The Flash makes up a bit of ground, but hasn’t gained enough time to go looking for kryptonite because Superman is right on his ass the whole way, The Flash starts to get tired. There is only one thing to do now. The Flash travels back in time, because he travels so fast, and attempts to kill baby superman with kryptonite on the Kent farm. However, Superman has travelled back into the past as well, and has prevented The Flash from being bitten by the radioactive lantern which gave him his powers.

If these time travels happened simultaneously, and logically they did, because they did these things in the past, and they would appear to be more or less simultaneous to us in the present, or maybe not, because who the fuck can figure out time travel- wait where was I going with that thought? Oh right, nowhere. Oh! No, wait, it was headed this direction:

If you, as a comic book writer, commit the cardinal sin of science fiction and create two characters that have been known to time travel, there are any number of possible outcomes, each with thousands- even dozens- of possible paradoxical narrative issues. If you have done this, as a comic book author, you are ruining Christmas forever, because Jesus hates cats that eat babies like you, you baby eating cat. You make my think-meats hurt.  Also, meats.

Look, Superman has been around a long time, and Superman is going to win. He has been written with more and more powers of convenience, and he is the iconic representation of the entire concept of Deus Ex Machina.  Flash, sure, your writers have done some ridiculous things to you, but you haven’t been ridiculousified the way that Supes has. Eventually, Superman is gonna wear The Flash down, no matter how many times The Flash can’t be hit because he isn’t there, no matter how many times The Flash leaves a brick inside of Superman’s head, No matter how much either one of them time travels. Exhausted, bloody, and somewhere in 1958, The Flash disappears in a puff of trademarked Flash powder, while Superman creepily smokes a cigar, and shits on The Flash’s corpse- what of it isn’t ashen. Supes turns into a real dick when he has to run through time like that, particularly because he won’t stop and correct other historical atrocities, but he will save Lois Lane from a mudslide.

Winner: Superman.

Loser: Kitty Pryde, who I still insist could not have ever been hit by Superman.

Draw: Meats.

DAVE:

The Finals! You can feel the electricity in the air! Nothing like it.

This matchup is one of epic proportions. We have Superman, he of almost every superpower possible, the archetype for superheros everywhere. Almost no weaknesses, apart from Kryptonite and Magic.

We have The (Barry Allen) Flash, The Scarlet Speedster, Mr. FastPants. Has the advantage of being able to do everything really quickly. Weaknesses are that he has no armor or strength to speak of, and can be felled by a solid right hook.

But in the finals, anything can happen, and usually does!

Superman flies in to begin the battle. The Flash looks up at him, and begins vibrating quickly. They engage in a number of super-fast skirmishes, faster than the eye can see. This goes on for hours. The Flash is unable to gain the upper hand. He thinks about getting his hands on some Kryptonite, or something magical. But he is thwarted in each effort by Supes, who is keeping pace.

Finally, he teleports to the JLA Watchtower, in hopes of getting his hands on some of the Kryptonite stored there before Supes can get there. As he open the case, he’s blinded by a strobing light that Superman has placed there.

As he pauses for a moment, he’s knocked over by a punch that destroys his left ear, taking his equilibrium with it. He looks up, dizzy and barely conscious. Superman is standing there, apologizing for his actions, and launching into a speech about how the true cost of being is hero is …

Suddenly, a green glowing spike appears through the S on his chest. Superman looks down, shocked and bewildered. He can’t believe this is happening. He slumps to his knees, and Barry sees the looming figure of Batman, holding a second kryptonite knife. The Batman smiles a terrifyingly evil smile, and plunges the second knife into Superman’s neck, killing him. Barry smiles and holds his hand up for Batman to take. Instead, Batman steps on his throat, crushing his windpipe and killing him.

Batman clearly faked his own death last week, and anyone with an ounce of brains knows that he’s incapable of losing to someone like The Flash. Or anyone else for that matter.

Batman vs Superman = Batman
Batman vs The Flash = Batman
Batman vs Entire JLA = Batman
Batman vs Zombies = Batman
Batman vs Every person on the planet at the same time = Batman.

You exist because he lets you. If you see him, it’s because he wants you to. Did you know what he was doing? His choice.

In fact, I’m starting a religion based on the gospel of the Bat. Why do bad things happen in the world? Because Batman wants them to. Why do innocent people drown? Not sure, but Batman knows. Is he all-powerful? As far as he wants you to know, he is.

Winner: The God-Damned Batman

Tony

Ahhhh The big day, and the big question…Do I face derision for picking the Flash?

Someinternetguy: WTF!!!!! The Flash can’t beat Superman, you’ve destroyed everything my life is about and now I’m going to dress orphans up as the Flash and beat them up wearing my Superman shirt and it is COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!!!

Or do I face derision by picking Superman?

Someotherinternetguy: Jesus, don’t you know that The Flash (Insert obscure power from back issue nobody knows or cares about here) plus he already beat Superman in issue 7 of Even More Infinite-lier Crisis, read a fucking comic book you (Insert homophobic insult about certain body fluids they imply I willingly and recreationally ingest.)

Well I do know this much. You’d be an idiot to buy this on Pay Per View because it would be all over in about 6 seconds or less, and you wouldn’t see shit. Plus they’d probably charge you an arm and a leg for the three hours hyper slowed down blu-ray set, with making of documentary, interviews commentary by the winner.

Make fun of Wal mart all you want, but I guarantee you that this fictional Blu-Ray would be about 5 bucks cheaper at your local fictional Wal-Mart.

The question remains, who will be on the commentary track?

Well, with two days to prepare, I think Barry knows enough to ask Alfred if he can poke around the Batcave, vibrate his way through a lead safe and get a certain piece of jewelry that Batman always kept on hand. In fact, I’d be willing to bet he’d get it couriered to him by Alfred with a note from Bruce saying :

“Dear Barry (If it wasn’t me, it would have to be you. Yes I figured that out because I’m the Goddamn Batman) Please take this with my compliments and say hello to Clark for me.”

So Barry has the kryptonite ring, and I think we all agree he is just a smidge faster than Supes.

But if we do the math, ie: 1 power versus about 40, plus Superman’s ability to do ranged heat and cold based attacks (holy crap, I sound like the Player’s Handbook!) at the end of the 6 seconds it’s Superman who is standing there.

Until…The arena floods with Kryptonite laced sea water. Superman is brought to his knees, by an entire pod of psychic dolphins. He hears a familiar laugh as his thighs begin to be eaten away by piranhas…

Aquaman has spent the whole time seething about being kicked out of the bracket FINALLY comes up with his master plan! And as Supes raises his head to blast the smirking Arthur with heat…Out of nowhere comes THE BOY WONDER! ROBIN who kicks him square in the jaw…sending him face down in the Krypto heavy water, to be consumed by rabid piranhas and a shark or two. Then it’s back to Aquaman’s pad for a “Victory party” with Robin, Aquaman, and Aqualad, who spend the night testing Arthur’s customized vibrating prosthetic hand replacements. And seeing whether or not the whole Led Zeppelin Groupie rumor is plausible.

Now THAT would be an episode and a half of Mythbusters.

No, seriously though. It’s Superman, who else could it be? I only wanted him in the bracket because I liked the idea of him and Hulk going at it, and that never really panned out. The DC Metahumans are just too powerful.

This is why I think we should do a bracket with lamer competitors. Stay tuned for Edward from Twilight vs. Pikachu.

Winner: Superman (and the Correctness! )

So there you have it. Superhero Smackdown comes to an end, with Superman standing tall. And now we know never to include him in such a tournament. Oh well, live and learn.. A big thank you to all of you, and to the folks at Fark who have been so generous with their highly prized green lights. We’ll have loads of other content for comic lovers though, including The Correctness Casting Couch, in which we recast comic book movie heroines for fun and no profit. And starting in the New Year, we might just have a fresh set of brackets for you. Of what nature? Come back and find out! Plus our usual brand of goofiness will of course continue.

If this is your stop, thanks for joining us and we hope you had a pleasant ride.

We are not sure why, but we have an inkling that you might have something to say on the topic…please do so below!

As a preview to Friday’s final Superhero Smackdown, we’re taking a long look back at the moments and comments that led us to where we are.

Most Controversial Decision:
SPIDERMAN vs GREEN LANTERN

We caught more flack from the readers on this one than any other smackdown. Many disagreed with the unanimous victory for Spider-Man. Way it goes. Click the link above to see the comments board in all its glory, full of derision and failness.

Smackdown What Broke The Server:
HULK vs HELLBOY

With too much raw power and demonic energy in the air, our former web host pulled the plug as we jammed up the interweb tubes with comic fanboy goodness. The upside is that we switched over to BlackSun, who are gods among hosts. If you need some web hosting, give them a shout, tell them The Correctness sent you.

Who picked the winners?

Keep in mind that 2 votes is enough for a win, so the percentages will be high.

In the Round of 8,

Dave 8/8
Rob 7/8
Tony 6/8

In the Quarter Finals,

Dave 4/4
Tony 4/4
Rob 3/4

In the Semi Finals

Tony 2/2
Rob 2/2
Dave 1/2

Total

Dave 13/14
Tony 12/14
Rob 12/14

Best Entries:

Dave: My favorite entry of the tournament was this one from Rob. I love it because it makes me laugh many times, and also because it became a beacon for those without any sense of humor, with which they could find their way here and point this out to the rest of us.

Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time. How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

While I’m on the subject, I would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Tony: If there was a best writer Smackdown between the three of us, I’d vote for Rob as well. Which is ironic, because he was the one who took the most shit and abuse out of any of us. Very few artists are appreciated in their time. Comparing Batman and the Flash to Wile e. Coyote and Road Runner was awesome, and his retraction of the Green Lantern origin was the Mona Lisa of Nerd baiting.

Winners of the “Anonymity + Internet = Asshole” Award

We received many, many comments on the Smackdowns, these were our favorites.

>” I have read many of your ridiculous super-hero fight predictions and have come to the conclusion that you (Tony, Rob, and Dave) are either…
1.) Totally fucking retarded
2.) Trying to piss off real comic book aficionados
or
3.) Both
In the immortal words of Matt Stone and Trey Parker; “You guys are fags!””

>“Any fights these guys have come up with or used their “humorous”logic on before has negated any present and future discussions on who would win in a fight. I realize arguing on the internet is like the special olympics, but you guys are flat out retarded to begin with.”

>“Way to phone it in, guys.
‘I don’t think my writing assignment is interesting, so here’s a story about how I planned to blow up my school!’ lolwut?
Jesus fucking Christ. Hire someone else or get a different encephalitic cum-eating intern to do this shit.”

>“The only fucktarded thing here is the writing. And the website. And the fact that I wasted time answering this.”

>“I agree these morons are smoking crack.
Where the hell did they come up with this notion for the Green Lantern’s origin?
“Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.”
Were they high as balls when they wrote this awful article?”

>“you guys are fucking idiots. INFINTE COSMIC POWER versus some dickhead teenager with homemade webshooters?
read a god damn comic book jesus.”

But it wasn’t all bad, some people were on board with us…

“Very well written, funny, well thought out, and mixed it up between the three of you.

So good job cum-dumpsters “

Some of the comments were actually COMPLIMENTARY! and didn’t use the word cumdumpster.

You guys are hilarious, keep it up
*sorry this remark isn’t more inflammatory*

This was a great response to Rob’s point in Wolverine vs. Superman, where he said the Iron Giant didn’t say “Wolverine” and make him cry at the end of that movie…

I will also point out that at no point in Red Dawn did Patrick Swayze cry out “Supermen!”

and we would be remiss not to mention Tomass doggedly rooting for his favorites, Robin and Aquaman to be reinstated and kick some ass.

Never stop the dream.

If you could go back and change our answers on any, would you? If yes, which ones?

Tony: I stand by most of what I said…but the Batman over Hulk nags at me a bit. If I had never read the Ultimates, I would have given that one to the Hulk. In fact…Can I change my answer?

Dave: You can, but unless someone else does too, it won’t make a difference.

I have no changes that I would make. Most of my entries are gut feeling-based, and thus, I go with how I feel. I would, if I could, go back and change the bracket a bit, to avoid some of the weaker match-ups, and to remove Superman, not because he’s insanely overpowered, but more because he annoys the fuck out of me.

Rob: Curiously absent, probably on his cum eating break.

So there it is. Tomorrow, Superman vs. Flash. And then we will take a little Smackdown break (because no one likes verbal abuse over the holidays) but we will continue updating our usual goofy shit every day, so do come back.

Oh and are you at all curious about who would win in a fight between the Joker and The Green Goblin? Dr. Doom and Magneto? How about Killer Croc and Abomination? Then we MIGHT just MIGHT have something for you in the New year.

Thanks for reading, lets have coffee sometime!

Love, The Correctness

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re into the semi’s! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

Tony

The first question we have to ask is, would Superman be vulnerable to adamantium? He may be the Man of Steel but adamantium can get through the Hulk’s hide it’s not unreasonable to think it could get through Superman’s.

I’m going to need a judgment call on this before I proceed…I’ll have to go with my gut on this and say that adamantium, hard though it is, is not enough on its own to harm Superman. Claws will fail to penetrate Kryptonian flesh.

The Peanut Gallery: Bullshit!!

Quiet, you!!! I’m not done yet.

Now…

I think that Wolverine, in his two days of prep would do well to study this handy flow chart I created for today’s battle.

We can assume, that even though research isn’t his strong suit, Wolvie will want to know a little bit about what he’s getting into. He’s bound to come across the word “Kryptonite” in his research, take the clipping to Hank, who undoubtedly would be able to get his hands on some. Perhaps even weaponize it into a gas or possibly even coat his claws in it via dust or melting or what have you. If that were to happen, and I think we have to allow that it could, with two days prep and all, Wolverines claws are now back in play.

That is , of course if he can get near the Big Blue Boyscout. We have to also assume that reporter Clark Kent would do a little digging of his own. Would he be arrogant and let Wolverine take his best shot and end up being stabbed, or is he smart enough to stay far away from the claws and attack with heat and cold?

I’m going with B) When the buzzer sounds and the crowd roars, Supes is up in the air in no time blasting away with heat vision. This is where it gets ugly. Because I don’t think Superman’s heat vision is enough to melt adamantium, and Wolverine sans Colussus is going to have some trouble getting off the ground to attack.

And like his fellow metal skeletonized ass kicker the Terminator, Wolverine WILL. NOT. GIVE UP.

Three days later after most of the crowd has left, and the judging has started to show up in shifts, Superman would have to resort to throwing an abandoned building on Wolverine. In the silence that follows the horrendous sound of a building landing on top of someone in a semi enclosed space, the weary judges award the fight to Superman.

Supes goes home, has a shower, flips on the TV, chuckles at 30 Rock (Or watches Fox news, he is in all likelihood a republican) and is about to call it a night when the doorbell rings. He answers it and receives a shoulder full of claw, his own heightened reflexes saving him from a worse fate.

“I ain’t done with you yet Bub…next time use a bigger building!”

Supes punches with all his strength (with with an arm full of Kryptonite isn’t much) and manages to knock Wolverine back about 10 feet. Supes takes off to draw him away from civilians. Wolverine follows.

And so it goes, on and an days, weeks… Finally losing all his patience Supes does what the internet nerds have been begging him to do the whole time. He grips Wolvie wrists, and flies to outerspace. Lack of oxygen weakens Wolverine enough to stop struggling, and Supes gives him a one way ticket to the sun.

Winner: Superman.

PS. Or is it? 15 billion years from now there is no earth, as our sun has gone dim, taking with it the source of the man of steels power. Then a particle in space is attracted to another particle in space…and another…slowly regenerating…

Rob:

On the one hand, Superman started out with a simple set of powers that were expanded to suit the needs of the writers (leap tall buildings?), but on the other hand, Wolverine started out with a simple set of powers that were expanded to suit the needs of the writers.

Adamantium is stronger than steel, and therefore stronger than the Man of Steel, so Superman would suddenly be written with heat vision that can melt adamantium. Not so fast, Wolverine can suddenly heal faster than he can be melted! But look out! Superman has swallowed Green Lanternite which he found in a pill box that was in the fortress of solitude, so now he is immune to kryptonite! Not to Worry, Wolverine developed space gills, and now he can breathe in space by converting dark matter into air because of a soul stone sandwich he got while looking for the infinity gauntlet when Dark Phoenix totally blew him. Like, Fully blew him, in space, and made him get gills. Lucky for Supes that he can tape Wolverine’s new space gills shut with space tape especially designed by Wayne Enterprises before Batman died in a Warner Brothers cartoon last week.

Can Wolverine untape his space gills when he is thrown into space by Superman in time? Wolverine sneaks up on CLark Kent by swimming back from space-  by farting dark matter as a propellant-  and stabs Superman in his bathing suit area. Superman dies! But is it Superman? No! It’s Earth 2 Superman! And now, thanks to Logan picking up a symbiant suit , Wolverine fights himself! Can Wolverine stab himself so fast that he can’t heal from it?

Here are some things I know for sure:

1. This fight got to be a total sausage party ever since we got rid of Kitty Pryde.

2. These two fan favourites have been around too long, and have therefore been painted into a corner of dumbness by generations of writers.

I actually imagine the fight a lot like Tony described, with Lazurus fighting Other Lazurus (who has a bandage and a goatee), trapped in between two dimensions forever. Kirk can only wonder about the two of them locked in combat for all time.

Where the hell is Captain James T. Kirk in this smackdown? I would pay real money to see him fight Batman.

I am seriously going to flip a coin.

Heads, Superman wins, Tails Wolverine.

Heads. Superman wins.

Actually, one more thing that is more important than any of that other stuff I said. AT NO POINT in Iron Giant does the Giant say “Wolverine” to evoke an image that makes me cry as he sacrifices himself to save the world. He only says “Superman”, and I cry every damn time. Every time.

Winner: Suuuuuperrrrrmannnn (collides with nuclear missile, Rob cries)

Dave

This is by far the most difficult of the Smackdowns to write, because it’s a pretty clear decision, and Superman is the most boring character in the history of comics. Wolverine is not boring, but has been so completely overexposed by Marvel that no one gives a crap about him anymore. Last I checked, he was in pretty much every group in the Marvel Universe. (And on that line, why is he an Avenger? And why is Spidey one? Marvel sucks so much ass these days, it’s difficult to measure, even with a assuckoscope.

Over the weeks, the virginal geeks of the internet have decided that we planned out the bracket, and that we had a Batman/Superman final planned. This is clearly absurd, as if we were going to plan out the winner, it would NEVER be someone as dull as Superman. (It would have been Kitty Pryde.) We also would have had Deadpool lose to a bystander, as that would enrage the Clearasil crowd to no end. (Deadpool sucks, folks, deal with it.)

As much as I hate every fiber of his boring, uninteresting, never has an interesting storyline in continuity ass, Superman would have no problem dispatching Wolverine.

Winner: Superman

DECISION: SUPERMAN

So it is decided! The final next week will be Superman vs The Flash. Buy your tickets early, as it will be a sellout.

Agree with us below!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re into the semi’s! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

Tony

The reason I chose a somewhat controversial win for Batman over the Hulk is because of The Ultimates. Cap put an adamantium needle full of tranquilizers into the Hulk, changed him into Banner and that was that. I figured if Cap could do it, Bats certainly could.

But, and this is the key, I think… I don’t know of any way to “Undo” the Flash’s power.
Yes, Batman beat Superman with armour, and outside help and a decent amount of time to prepare. Here he has two days to prepare. We can assume he breaks into the joint and sets up a huge variety of gadgets and traps, but here’s the thing…

I don’t think they are going to work.

Is there anything The Flash can’t vibrate his way out of? Plus his reflexes are so fast that even if he gets caught in one of these things, he can be out of it, a little wiser, and can also scout the place for traps, destroy gadgets, etc in the blink of an eye.

I suppose with someone who studied the art of Deus ex Machina as well as Bruce has there are always possibilities. He could:

-Synthesize some sort of drug that will rob Flash of his powers, maybe slip it into his coffee that morning or some such thing. He’s certainly capable of “Getting” to him off hours. But I would argue that two days is too little time to come up with such a drug.

-Grease the bejesus out of the arena floor, but even when Flash slips and falls, he can still avoid any subsequent attack Bats might make

- Use some kind of sonics to bring him down, but Flash is faster than the speed of sound. The sonics wouldn’t last long

Paranoid as he is, Batman is supposed to have safeguards against all the Justice league members. Perhaps there is some sort of an incident out there in the canon where Bats actually does take the Flash out, but I can’t get my head around how exactly.

Because the sheer physics and the spiraling possibilities blow my mind the more I think about it, I’ve got to say…

Bats is going down

Now… if he had a WEEK to prepare…that would be another matter entirely.

Winner: The Flash

Rob

The winner of this fight will be the winner of the all time greatest science fair project in chemistry and relativistic physics. Too bad Peter Parker is already dead.

I tend to agree with TBinns in principal here.  I think preparation time is the issue. You see what happens when you insist even we become canonical to ourselves? Batman potentially loses, and that’s no good for anyone, because I think it’s clear which of these heroes would lose in a battle of “who is less fucking awesome”. Batman is much more  fucking awesome. The Flash is good at track and field events. Batman is a skilled detective. The Flash is good at track and field events in those ridiculous running shorts. Batman is a frightening sociopath with an agenda. The Flash is good at track and field events, and being roughly taken by confused lonely bikers who also travel at great speed.

So, what kind of trap could Batman build that would defeat the Flash? Could he do it in two days? Well, perhaps.

http://www.skybooksusa.com/time-travel/physics/gas.htm

Nothing nonsuperheroic with mass can move faster than the speed of light. However, something without mass, like light itself, can travel faster under certain circumstances. Recent experiments show that  instead of just raising the refractive index of a substance and causing light to move more slowly through it, one can also create a highly unnatural state of matter where the refractive index of a substance is lower than than zero- lower than that of a total vacuum. This is called Gain Assisted Superluminality. In one case, experimenters used a cesium vapour to make light travel faster than the speed of light, so that the pulse of light they send through the cesium vapour left the chamber before it finished entering- Imagine the pulse of light being stretched into an elastic blob of light which snapped into the conclusion of its own emission. I know, we should stick to our tenuous “comedy”. Sit the fuck down, it gets worse.

Problem 1:

Batman knows this, he read this article a few years back as well, or Alfred clipped it for him and added it to Bruce Wayne’s “Big book of things I could use to defeat my friends if necessary, because I don’t really have any friends.”. Consequently, Batman buys all the cesium in the world, and builds a chamber for it- a big one. Bats knows he can now shoot The Flash with a laser that is moving faster than the speed of light- it is a guaranteed hit, and he can dissect The Flash easily. They can be regular old commercial lasers used for the cutting of things. Yes, The Flash can move faster than the speed of light, but let’s imagine that the Scarlet Speedster is held to the same relativistic physics of FTL travel as the waves of light are.

Great, now Batman has a room to trap The Flash in, in which a heavy-with-chubby-mass Flash can be sliced and diced like so much Slap Chop (TM).

Problem 2:

Batman knows he must get The Flash inside this chamber. He needs bait, like a delicious carrot, or birdseed. Likely, there is a sign on the carrot or birdseed which says “Free Food for Flash”. The Flash cannot resist. But, surely the object in the chamber must survive long enough for the Flash to get there? Cesium is not only exceedingly rare, but is also an alkali metal and is reactive on contact with even the teensiest amount of water. One droplet of condensation or moisture would cause a highly reactive explosion that would damage the chamber, or possibly destroy it. So, the food for flashes must be inside a container of some kind, inside the chamber.

Look, I know The Flash wouldn’t be that desperate for a carrot, so if it helps, imagine instead that inside the chamber is something he wouldn’t be able to resist like, I dunno, a young but rough looking biker dude, same chemical properties apply.

Anyways, The Flash really wants this carrot BAD. He just has to get this carrot inside of him, deep, deep inside of him until the carrot becomes one with his body. So, he has to get in to this chamber. The Flash is still human, and passing through the chamber will cause his lungs to spontaneously catch fire, and this would likely result in death- I asked a paramedic, he said “yes, if your lungs spontaneously combusted, you would die.”

The Battle:

Batman awaits Flash at the top of a desert cliff, overlooking the open stretch of lonely road on which the Cesium Death Chamber is perfectly situated.

From the distance, a cloud of dust on the open road, and with a “Meep Meep!”, and the sound of a jet engine, the Flash arrives outside the chamber, and stands quivering, examining it. His sudden halt produces the sound of a sprung sheet metal panel- Twoing!

Batman leans ever closer to the edge of the cliff, waiting to trigger the device.

Then, suddenly, The Flash goes so fast, he BECOMES INCORPOREAL, HE GETS THE CARROT, HE LEAVES THE CHAMBER, HE TRAVELS IN TIME.

Batman sees the device has been triggered, a sly smile rises on his face, one corner of his mouth at a time, as the sound of a a violin string sliding up is heard for each slow part of Batman’s rare smile.

Suddenly from behind Batman, the sound of pizzicato strings, and The Flash sneaks up on him- plink, plink, plink, PLINK! The Flash taps Batman twice on the shoulder, and Batman turns around slowly.

The Flash waves a silent, hello, deposits a brick inside of Batman’s head, and pushes Batman off the cliff. Bruce Wayne removes his mask, so he can see his predicament. He looks down, and sees no ground beneath him. He does a quick take to the camera , and shrugs, and then attempts to run back to the cliff, kicking his legs wildly. Too late, gravity overtakes him, and he drops a thousand feet to the ground below. Just before the brick inside his head makes his skull pop, he lands on the cesiums chamber, which explodes.

Batman stands aloe on the road, ashen- entirely ashen, he is a pile of ashes with eyes. He removes a tiny cocktail umbrella from his utility belt to protect himself, but it is far too late. The Flash arrives  with a “Meep Meep!”, removes a paper fan from his pocket, and while triumphantly munching on his carrot, waves the fan three times and Batman slowly drifts away with the wind, leaving only a furious pair of eyeballs rolling around on the ground, and a bloody brick that was once inside his skull.

With a “Meep Meep!” and a quick coy take to the camera, the Flash is off. You. Can’t. Hit. Something. That. Isn’t. There. And. Can. Time. Travel.

Winner: The Flash.

Loser: Physics.

Dave

There’s simply no question here. We have 48 hours before the fight, and if you think that Batman can’t come up with some way to take the Flash out of the equation in that period of time, you’re just not paying attention . He knows that The Flash is very powerful, and difficult to slow down or stop. He also knows that Deathstroke has beaten him, and Deathstroke isn’t 1/10 the genius that bats is.

1. Early on Day One, Batman set s up elaborate traps and explosions designed to move Flash where Bats wants him. He spends the entire morning measuring, checking, rechecking. Flash secretly watches this from a distance.
2. Afternoon/Evening Day One: Batman tests the rig out using a laser simulation, perfects the system, then resets everything.
3. Batman gets a good nights sleep.
4. Day Two: Batman spends entire day fighting Penguin, making out with Catwoman.
5. Battle Time: Batman waits at ground zero. Flash approaches at light speed, from a completely unexpected angle that Batman didn;t take in to account.
6. Batman moves slightly, Flash’s unconscious body flies into nearby wall.
You see, Early on day one, Batman figured out where Flash would be watching from, and laced the entire area with an aspirant that causes paralysis. It doesn’t take effect for say 42 hours. In fact, the fight was over before Batman even finished setting up the traps, which were a decoy. He spent an entire DAY lulling Flash into a sense of security, the entire time knowing that the fight was done.

How did he do this? He’s the God-Damned Batman.

WINNER: BATMAN

DECISION : THE FLASH

So The Flash moves on to the final, and the whiners who claimed we were fixing this thing to end up Batman/Superman can suck it.

Next week: Wolverine vs Superman!

The Hate starts below!

The X here, in case you didn’t know is the much beloved and controversial Kitty Pryde, who, let’s face it sounds more like the name of a Country and Western singer from the 70′s than an actual Superhero. These are the brackets, stay tuned and place your bets!

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

This week: The Man of Steel vs the Amazon Princess

DAVE

This one looks pretty simple at a glance. Superman is strong. Like, REALLY strong. And he’s invulnerable to pretty much everything, except rocks from space. And he can fly.

But most of those things are also true of Wonder Woman. And these two have gone toe to toe before, and it wasn’t over in a moment. Most people are going to underestimate Diana in this battle, that might be her advantage.

I think the key to the victory lies in the character traits.

Wonder Woman finds out about the impending battle. Visits Batman, gets kryptonite in lead lined box, waits for Supes to arrive.

When he does, she waits, cautiously. Superman steps forward, and launches into a monologue that lasts about 180 minutes, touching on friendship, honesty, how lonely it is to be an alien growing up on Earth. For 179 of those minutes, Diana listens, growing more and more bored, until finally her attention wavers for a moment, and Superman moves in for the knockout. One punch, and a lot of super fucking boring talking.

Because that’s who Superman is. An overpowered, uninteresting blowhard. He’s that jock from high school who can’t shut up about how great it was to be in high school, and when you friend him on facebook, all of his status updates are about how awesome it is to have friends from high school around.

Eventually, you unfriend him, and he destroys your house by dropping a tree on it. But I digress.

Winner: Superman

Rob

Golly wonkers you guys, I’m still reeling from all the bitching about how Kitty Pryde was gonna take the match and how everyone hated that idea, and then when Wolverine beat her how you all complained about that. Well, I’m not falling for that trap again. I’ll side with whoever I feel like, and you can all just complain that you are leaving the site forever, but then not leave, because I will charm you with….uh…. whatever attributes that I have which are charming.

Okay, here are some facts:

1. Superman got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern on the planet Vulcan. Wonder Woman has a costume which looks better illustrated than in a live action TV show.. Edge: Hal Jordan

2. The people at the University of Wikipedia Warsaw Campus assure me that part of Wonder Woman’s incredible strength comes Amazon training involving focusing her mental energy into her body. However, “her powers would be removed, in accordance with Aphrodite’s Law, if she allowed herself to be bound or chained by a male.”. This is inarguably the hottest thing I have ever heard described, and I am in no way requesting links to the fan illustrations of Wonder Woman in compromising positions involving bondage. Edge: Wonder Woman.

3. Not to belabour the point too much, but if Wonder Woman and Kitty Pryde found themselves in some kind of crossover in which they had to use their combined feminine powers to escape from some kind of sexy dungeon, possibly Arkham Asylum, I would buy all six issues of that miniseries. It would be best if there was some kind of tentacled creature involved as well. Edge: Wonder Woman

4. Superman is Superman. Deus Ex Machina. He is like what Baptists think Jesus is like. Edge: Superman

5. Has anyone else read Niven’s “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex”? It has nothing to do with this fight, but it sure as hell makes me think.

6. So, Maybe Kitty Pryde has to gently kiss some kind of toxic poison off the lips of Wonder Woman, but then, a single strand of this poison which is only dangerous to WW trickles down her midriff and to regions lower. What is Kitty Pryde to do?  The soft lighting of the dungeon and the scent of incense fills the room with an aura reminiscent of hot summers by the lakeshore, with a looming thunderstorm that might cool things down just so… Once the poison has been removed, the two share a strange silent moment of closeness.

Anywho, this is a fight to the death, and we have to assume that Clark Kent would get the fuck over himself, and kill Wonder Woman. No amount of boy scout ethics or Kent-Farm-Wisdom will stop him from annihilating her. This is too bad, because she’s about the only living woman he could breed with successfully. Assuming, that is, that their DNA was compatible, which it cannot for any fathomable reason be. Kryptonians are solar powered freaks, and humans are easily killed by swine flu.

Winner: Superman

Loser: Superman’s future babies.

TONY

Where this one gets interesting of course, if one can claim that it is at all, is that because these two work together so closely, they absolutely know how to exploit each others weaknesses.

and then will completely fail to do so based on a strong sense of honor.

So it’ll be knock down drag out. I don’t think she’d use kryptonite, even if she could get some. It would seem like “Cheating”

Late era Wonder women as opposed to her sexist/fetishist earlier incarnations, has been written more Xena and less She Sa if you take my meaning. She’s a warrior, with a berserker streak. She often chides Superman for NOT using everything he’s got and behaving like the God he is. Plus she’s got a magic sword that cuts through everything like butter. Apparently she’s even taken Bats AND Supes out before. there is precedence and canon here.

But that said…I’m still giving it to Superman. There is just too much going on with that dude power wise. It’s almost like at some point they just made up a new power for him every week, and then they were stuck with them all.That’s how his crappier villains were born.

“Uhhh…how about another Superman, with bad skin and he…talks backward?s Oh and a magic elf that won’t go away until you say his name backwards!”

They were very big on backwards in the Superman writers room at some point, it seems.

So with edge to Superman, and with deference to the whole “Just fly her into space” arguement, I’m giving this one to The big Blue Boyscout

Winner: Superman

DECISION: Superman

So the Semi Finals are Set! Flash vs Batman, Wolverine vs Superman.

Next week: Flash vs Batman!

Tell us how wrong and dumb we are below!