Here it is, at long last. The eight contestants in the Supervillain Smackdown. Johnny, tell us who is in the tournament, won’t you?

JOHNNY ANNOUNCERMAN: Sure thing Tony, week one sees the Clown Prince of Crime, The Joker squaring off vs. The nefarious Green Goblin. We can all be certain gas will somehow be involved, and the Joker may even sue for copyright infringement. Then in week two, it’s fanboy wet dream night as lithe and lovely Catwoman takes on the woman who was blue skinned and hassled by “The Man” looong before anybody in Avatar was…Mystique! Week three…The Master of Metal Magneto will “Test his metal” against the head of the Yellow Lantern corps Sinestro in the “Battle of Guys Whose Name Ends in O”. Then in week 4 The Ruler of Latveria is seeking revenge for his weak ass portrayal in the movies! Dr. Doom will be taking his frustrations out on Venom, who is seriously pissed off for the EXACT SAME REASON. Tickets are on sale now, but God help you if you buy one.

Tony: Thanks Johnny. FAQ time…

Uh…Where the hell is Lex Luthor?

He’s bankrolling the whole thing. We figured he wasn’t the sort to get his hands dirty.

Where the Hell is Ozymandias?

Too powerful. No matter what happened in the arena, he would have already set forth the plan that would kill his opponent 30 minutes ago.

Where the Hell is______________?

Look people, there were only 8 spots, we had to try and bring balance to the whole thing. On the plus side, we will also be creating short 1 off battles called “The Undercard” where we can speculate about Gargamel vs. Daedalus all we want without pissing off those who tend to take this exercise rather more seriously then it is meant to be taken.

Does the two day prep rule still apply?

Yes it does.

Where SPECIFICALLY does this take place, as it affects the outcome?

It’s a pre planned, funded fight, in a stadium, with a roof.

Is this to the death?

I can’t think of anybody, besides maybe Catwoman who wouldn’t kill someone, so yes…to the death.

Can we heap abuse on you in the comment section if we don’t agree with you?

We wouldn’t have it any other way.

When does this start?

Tomorrow, boys and girls. Buckle up.

The Correctness is pleased to anounce that we will soon be starting our much anticipated Supervillian Smackdown.

You don’t have to be smart to realize that we don’t know as much , in terms of canon, about supervillains as we do about superheroes. For example, Batman is in almost every issue of Batman, but the Joker is in every second one or so, or lately, whenever DC needs to have an engaging story.

Consequently, we will only require your 8 favourite supervillains, instead of the going through a similarly balls-hurtingly tiresome task of fighting through 16 like with the superheroes.

The inevitability of Batman winning somehow, even though he is not, in fact, a supervillain,  has been taken into account in our rules and he is disqualified from competition. Somebody else will have to fend off the seductive wiles of Catwoman, if indeed, you all let her be involved.

Cast your vote below, so that when the name-calling starts, I can wash my goddamn hands of our choices? (Why no Thor last time? Because Thor is literally fucktarded, that is why. Literally.)

Vote away!

Love,

The Correctness.

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s the Finals! Two men enter, one man leave!!! The Flash vs. Superman for all the hypothetical marbles!! It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

ROB:

Well, it’s the final round this week, and we’ve all had a chance to reminisce about our success as a one hit wonder comedy blog, and talk about how “Keys to the VIP” is a show somehow, while The Correctness does comedy for free because we are obviously not as funny as “Keys to the VIP”, which as I previously mentioned, is somehow a televised “comedy” program for which a staff of writers and producers get paid.

Superman versus The Flash. Much has been made over who is faster. Much has been made over who is more capable of time travel. Much has been made of who could deposit a brick inside the head of whom.

Several questions are immediately raised. First, is Superman impervious to damage all the way through his meaty parts, or his he built like a mighty tank that is lined with tender meats? If The Flash just showed up inside of Superman with a cheese grater, would Supes live, or die? Or can Superman only be defeated from inside of his own body by kryptonite-coated viruses, or love?

If The Flash truly is faster than Superman, how long can The Flash flee the total devastation of his anus meats before he needs to stop for an energy drink or sandwich?

Here is how this would go down. The Flash has none of the awesome superpowers that Superman has, but he might be a teency bit faster. The green light flashes, the flag goes up, The Flash takes off fast, and Superman runs right after him.

After a 14 hour continuous chase in which The Flash makes up a bit of ground, but hasn’t gained enough time to go looking for kryptonite because Superman is right on his ass the whole way, The Flash starts to get tired. There is only one thing to do now. The Flash travels back in time, because he travels so fast, and attempts to kill baby superman with kryptonite on the Kent farm. However, Superman has travelled back into the past as well, and has prevented The Flash from being bitten by the radioactive lantern which gave him his powers.

If these time travels happened simultaneously, and logically they did, because they did these things in the past, and they would appear to be more or less simultaneous to us in the present, or maybe not, because who the fuck can figure out time travel- wait where was I going with that thought? Oh right, nowhere. Oh! No, wait, it was headed this direction:

If you, as a comic book writer, commit the cardinal sin of science fiction and create two characters that have been known to time travel, there are any number of possible outcomes, each with thousands- even dozens- of possible paradoxical narrative issues. If you have done this, as a comic book author, you are ruining Christmas forever, because Jesus hates cats that eat babies like you, you baby eating cat. You make my think-meats hurt.  Also, meats.

Look, Superman has been around a long time, and Superman is going to win. He has been written with more and more powers of convenience, and he is the iconic representation of the entire concept of Deus Ex Machina.  Flash, sure, your writers have done some ridiculous things to you, but you haven’t been ridiculousified the way that Supes has. Eventually, Superman is gonna wear The Flash down, no matter how many times The Flash can’t be hit because he isn’t there, no matter how many times The Flash leaves a brick inside of Superman’s head, No matter how much either one of them time travels. Exhausted, bloody, and somewhere in 1958, The Flash disappears in a puff of trademarked Flash powder, while Superman creepily smokes a cigar, and shits on The Flash’s corpse- what of it isn’t ashen. Supes turns into a real dick when he has to run through time like that, particularly because he won’t stop and correct other historical atrocities, but he will save Lois Lane from a mudslide.

Winner: Superman.

Loser: Kitty Pryde, who I still insist could not have ever been hit by Superman.

Draw: Meats.

DAVE:

The Finals! You can feel the electricity in the air! Nothing like it.

This matchup is one of epic proportions. We have Superman, he of almost every superpower possible, the archetype for superheros everywhere. Almost no weaknesses, apart from Kryptonite and Magic.

We have The (Barry Allen) Flash, The Scarlet Speedster, Mr. FastPants. Has the advantage of being able to do everything really quickly. Weaknesses are that he has no armor or strength to speak of, and can be felled by a solid right hook.

But in the finals, anything can happen, and usually does!

Superman flies in to begin the battle. The Flash looks up at him, and begins vibrating quickly. They engage in a number of super-fast skirmishes, faster than the eye can see. This goes on for hours. The Flash is unable to gain the upper hand. He thinks about getting his hands on some Kryptonite, or something magical. But he is thwarted in each effort by Supes, who is keeping pace.

Finally, he teleports to the JLA Watchtower, in hopes of getting his hands on some of the Kryptonite stored there before Supes can get there. As he open the case, he’s blinded by a strobing light that Superman has placed there.

As he pauses for a moment, he’s knocked over by a punch that destroys his left ear, taking his equilibrium with it. He looks up, dizzy and barely conscious. Superman is standing there, apologizing for his actions, and launching into a speech about how the true cost of being is hero is …

Suddenly, a green glowing spike appears through the S on his chest. Superman looks down, shocked and bewildered. He can’t believe this is happening. He slumps to his knees, and Barry sees the looming figure of Batman, holding a second kryptonite knife. The Batman smiles a terrifyingly evil smile, and plunges the second knife into Superman’s neck, killing him. Barry smiles and holds his hand up for Batman to take. Instead, Batman steps on his throat, crushing his windpipe and killing him.

Batman clearly faked his own death last week, and anyone with an ounce of brains knows that he’s incapable of losing to someone like The Flash. Or anyone else for that matter.

Batman vs Superman = Batman
Batman vs The Flash = Batman
Batman vs Entire JLA = Batman
Batman vs Zombies = Batman
Batman vs Every person on the planet at the same time = Batman.

You exist because he lets you. If you see him, it’s because he wants you to. Did you know what he was doing? His choice.

In fact, I’m starting a religion based on the gospel of the Bat. Why do bad things happen in the world? Because Batman wants them to. Why do innocent people drown? Not sure, but Batman knows. Is he all-powerful? As far as he wants you to know, he is.

Winner: The God-Damned Batman

Tony

Ahhhh The big day, and the big question…Do I face derision for picking the Flash?

Someinternetguy: WTF!!!!! The Flash can’t beat Superman, you’ve destroyed everything my life is about and now I’m going to dress orphans up as the Flash and beat them up wearing my Superman shirt and it is COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!!!

Or do I face derision by picking Superman?

Someotherinternetguy: Jesus, don’t you know that The Flash (Insert obscure power from back issue nobody knows or cares about here) plus he already beat Superman in issue 7 of Even More Infinite-lier Crisis, read a fucking comic book you (Insert homophobic insult about certain body fluids they imply I willingly and recreationally ingest.)

Well I do know this much. You’d be an idiot to buy this on Pay Per View because it would be all over in about 6 seconds or less, and you wouldn’t see shit. Plus they’d probably charge you an arm and a leg for the three hours hyper slowed down blu-ray set, with making of documentary, interviews commentary by the winner.

Make fun of Wal mart all you want, but I guarantee you that this fictional Blu-Ray would be about 5 bucks cheaper at your local fictional Wal-Mart.

The question remains, who will be on the commentary track?

Well, with two days to prepare, I think Barry knows enough to ask Alfred if he can poke around the Batcave, vibrate his way through a lead safe and get a certain piece of jewelry that Batman always kept on hand. In fact, I’d be willing to bet he’d get it couriered to him by Alfred with a note from Bruce saying :

“Dear Barry (If it wasn’t me, it would have to be you. Yes I figured that out because I’m the Goddamn Batman) Please take this with my compliments and say hello to Clark for me.”

So Barry has the kryptonite ring, and I think we all agree he is just a smidge faster than Supes.

But if we do the math, ie: 1 power versus about 40, plus Superman’s ability to do ranged heat and cold based attacks (holy crap, I sound like the Player’s Handbook!) at the end of the 6 seconds it’s Superman who is standing there.

Until…The arena floods with Kryptonite laced sea water. Superman is brought to his knees, by an entire pod of psychic dolphins. He hears a familiar laugh as his thighs begin to be eaten away by piranhas…

Aquaman has spent the whole time seething about being kicked out of the bracket FINALLY comes up with his master plan! And as Supes raises his head to blast the smirking Arthur with heat…Out of nowhere comes THE BOY WONDER! ROBIN who kicks him square in the jaw…sending him face down in the Krypto heavy water, to be consumed by rabid piranhas and a shark or two. Then it’s back to Aquaman’s pad for a “Victory party” with Robin, Aquaman, and Aqualad, who spend the night testing Arthur’s customized vibrating prosthetic hand replacements. And seeing whether or not the whole Led Zeppelin Groupie rumor is plausible.

Now THAT would be an episode and a half of Mythbusters.

No, seriously though. It’s Superman, who else could it be? I only wanted him in the bracket because I liked the idea of him and Hulk going at it, and that never really panned out. The DC Metahumans are just too powerful.

This is why I think we should do a bracket with lamer competitors. Stay tuned for Edward from Twilight vs. Pikachu.

Winner: Superman (and the Correctness! )

So there you have it. Superhero Smackdown comes to an end, with Superman standing tall. And now we know never to include him in such a tournament. Oh well, live and learn.. A big thank you to all of you, and to the folks at Fark who have been so generous with their highly prized green lights. We’ll have loads of other content for comic lovers though, including The Correctness Casting Couch, in which we recast comic book movie heroines for fun and no profit. And starting in the New Year, we might just have a fresh set of brackets for you. Of what nature? Come back and find out! Plus our usual brand of goofiness will of course continue.

If this is your stop, thanks for joining us and we hope you had a pleasant ride.

We are not sure why, but we have an inkling that you might have something to say on the topic…please do so below!

As a preview to Friday’s final Superhero Smackdown, we’re taking a long look back at the moments and comments that led us to where we are.

Most Controversial Decision:
SPIDERMAN vs GREEN LANTERN

We caught more flack from the readers on this one than any other smackdown. Many disagreed with the unanimous victory for Spider-Man. Way it goes. Click the link above to see the comments board in all its glory, full of derision and failness.

Smackdown What Broke The Server:
HULK vs HELLBOY

With too much raw power and demonic energy in the air, our former web host pulled the plug as we jammed up the interweb tubes with comic fanboy goodness. The upside is that we switched over to BlackSun, who are gods among hosts. If you need some web hosting, give them a shout, tell them The Correctness sent you.

Who picked the winners?

Keep in mind that 2 votes is enough for a win, so the percentages will be high.

In the Round of 8,

Dave 8/8
Rob 7/8
Tony 6/8

In the Quarter Finals,

Dave 4/4
Tony 4/4
Rob 3/4

In the Semi Finals

Tony 2/2
Rob 2/2
Dave 1/2

Total

Dave 13/14
Tony 12/14
Rob 12/14

Best Entries:

Dave: My favorite entry of the tournament was this one from Rob. I love it because it makes me laugh many times, and also because it became a beacon for those without any sense of humor, with which they could find their way here and point this out to the rest of us.

Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time. How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

While I’m on the subject, I would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Tony: If there was a best writer Smackdown between the three of us, I’d vote for Rob as well. Which is ironic, because he was the one who took the most shit and abuse out of any of us. Very few artists are appreciated in their time. Comparing Batman and the Flash to Wile e. Coyote and Road Runner was awesome, and his retraction of the Green Lantern origin was the Mona Lisa of Nerd baiting.

Winners of the “Anonymity + Internet = Asshole” Award

We received many, many comments on the Smackdowns, these were our favorites.

>” I have read many of your ridiculous super-hero fight predictions and have come to the conclusion that you (Tony, Rob, and Dave) are either…
1.) Totally fucking retarded
2.) Trying to piss off real comic book aficionados
or
3.) Both
In the immortal words of Matt Stone and Trey Parker; “You guys are fags!””

>“Any fights these guys have come up with or used their “humorous”logic on before has negated any present and future discussions on who would win in a fight. I realize arguing on the internet is like the special olympics, but you guys are flat out retarded to begin with.”

>“Way to phone it in, guys.
‘I don’t think my writing assignment is interesting, so here’s a story about how I planned to blow up my school!’ lolwut?
Jesus fucking Christ. Hire someone else or get a different encephalitic cum-eating intern to do this shit.”

>“The only fucktarded thing here is the writing. And the website. And the fact that I wasted time answering this.”

>“I agree these morons are smoking crack.
Where the hell did they come up with this notion for the Green Lantern’s origin?
“Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.”
Were they high as balls when they wrote this awful article?”

>“you guys are fucking idiots. INFINTE COSMIC POWER versus some dickhead teenager with homemade webshooters?
read a god damn comic book jesus.”

But it wasn’t all bad, some people were on board with us…

“Very well written, funny, well thought out, and mixed it up between the three of you.

So good job cum-dumpsters “

Some of the comments were actually COMPLIMENTARY! and didn’t use the word cumdumpster.

You guys are hilarious, keep it up
*sorry this remark isn’t more inflammatory*

This was a great response to Rob’s point in Wolverine vs. Superman, where he said the Iron Giant didn’t say “Wolverine” and make him cry at the end of that movie…

I will also point out that at no point in Red Dawn did Patrick Swayze cry out “Supermen!”

and we would be remiss not to mention Tomass doggedly rooting for his favorites, Robin and Aquaman to be reinstated and kick some ass.

Never stop the dream.

If you could go back and change our answers on any, would you? If yes, which ones?

Tony: I stand by most of what I said…but the Batman over Hulk nags at me a bit. If I had never read the Ultimates, I would have given that one to the Hulk. In fact…Can I change my answer?

Dave: You can, but unless someone else does too, it won’t make a difference.

I have no changes that I would make. Most of my entries are gut feeling-based, and thus, I go with how I feel. I would, if I could, go back and change the bracket a bit, to avoid some of the weaker match-ups, and to remove Superman, not because he’s insanely overpowered, but more because he annoys the fuck out of me.

Rob: Curiously absent, probably on his cum eating break.

So there it is. Tomorrow, Superman vs. Flash. And then we will take a little Smackdown break (because no one likes verbal abuse over the holidays) but we will continue updating our usual goofy shit every day, so do come back.

Oh and are you at all curious about who would win in a fight between the Joker and The Green Goblin? Dr. Doom and Magneto? How about Killer Croc and Abomination? Then we MIGHT just MIGHT have something for you in the New year.

Thanks for reading, lets have coffee sometime!

Love, The Correctness

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re into the semi’s! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

Tony

The first question we have to ask is, would Superman be vulnerable to adamantium? He may be the Man of Steel but adamantium can get through the Hulk’s hide it’s not unreasonable to think it could get through Superman’s.

I’m going to need a judgment call on this before I proceed…I’ll have to go with my gut on this and say that adamantium, hard though it is, is not enough on its own to harm Superman. Claws will fail to penetrate Kryptonian flesh.

The Peanut Gallery: Bullshit!!

Quiet, you!!! I’m not done yet.

Now…

I think that Wolverine, in his two days of prep would do well to study this handy flow chart I created for today’s battle.

We can assume, that even though research isn’t his strong suit, Wolvie will want to know a little bit about what he’s getting into. He’s bound to come across the word “Kryptonite” in his research, take the clipping to Hank, who undoubtedly would be able to get his hands on some. Perhaps even weaponize it into a gas or possibly even coat his claws in it via dust or melting or what have you. If that were to happen, and I think we have to allow that it could, with two days prep and all, Wolverines claws are now back in play.

That is , of course if he can get near the Big Blue Boyscout. We have to also assume that reporter Clark Kent would do a little digging of his own. Would he be arrogant and let Wolverine take his best shot and end up being stabbed, or is he smart enough to stay far away from the claws and attack with heat and cold?

I’m going with B) When the buzzer sounds and the crowd roars, Supes is up in the air in no time blasting away with heat vision. This is where it gets ugly. Because I don’t think Superman’s heat vision is enough to melt adamantium, and Wolverine sans Colussus is going to have some trouble getting off the ground to attack.

And like his fellow metal skeletonized ass kicker the Terminator, Wolverine WILL. NOT. GIVE UP.

Three days later after most of the crowd has left, and the judging has started to show up in shifts, Superman would have to resort to throwing an abandoned building on Wolverine. In the silence that follows the horrendous sound of a building landing on top of someone in a semi enclosed space, the weary judges award the fight to Superman.

Supes goes home, has a shower, flips on the TV, chuckles at 30 Rock (Or watches Fox news, he is in all likelihood a republican) and is about to call it a night when the doorbell rings. He answers it and receives a shoulder full of claw, his own heightened reflexes saving him from a worse fate.

“I ain’t done with you yet Bub…next time use a bigger building!”

Supes punches with all his strength (with with an arm full of Kryptonite isn’t much) and manages to knock Wolverine back about 10 feet. Supes takes off to draw him away from civilians. Wolverine follows.

And so it goes, on and an days, weeks… Finally losing all his patience Supes does what the internet nerds have been begging him to do the whole time. He grips Wolvie wrists, and flies to outerspace. Lack of oxygen weakens Wolverine enough to stop struggling, and Supes gives him a one way ticket to the sun.

Winner: Superman.

PS. Or is it? 15 billion years from now there is no earth, as our sun has gone dim, taking with it the source of the man of steels power. Then a particle in space is attracted to another particle in space…and another…slowly regenerating…

Rob:

On the one hand, Superman started out with a simple set of powers that were expanded to suit the needs of the writers (leap tall buildings?), but on the other hand, Wolverine started out with a simple set of powers that were expanded to suit the needs of the writers.

Adamantium is stronger than steel, and therefore stronger than the Man of Steel, so Superman would suddenly be written with heat vision that can melt adamantium. Not so fast, Wolverine can suddenly heal faster than he can be melted! But look out! Superman has swallowed Green Lanternite which he found in a pill box that was in the fortress of solitude, so now he is immune to kryptonite! Not to Worry, Wolverine developed space gills, and now he can breathe in space by converting dark matter into air because of a soul stone sandwich he got while looking for the infinity gauntlet when Dark Phoenix totally blew him. Like, Fully blew him, in space, and made him get gills. Lucky for Supes that he can tape Wolverine’s new space gills shut with space tape especially designed by Wayne Enterprises before Batman died in a Warner Brothers cartoon last week.

Can Wolverine untape his space gills when he is thrown into space by Superman in time? Wolverine sneaks up on CLark Kent by swimming back from space-  by farting dark matter as a propellant-  and stabs Superman in his bathing suit area. Superman dies! But is it Superman? No! It’s Earth 2 Superman! And now, thanks to Logan picking up a symbiant suit , Wolverine fights himself! Can Wolverine stab himself so fast that he can’t heal from it?

Here are some things I know for sure:

1. This fight got to be a total sausage party ever since we got rid of Kitty Pryde.

2. These two fan favourites have been around too long, and have therefore been painted into a corner of dumbness by generations of writers.

I actually imagine the fight a lot like Tony described, with Lazurus fighting Other Lazurus (who has a bandage and a goatee), trapped in between two dimensions forever. Kirk can only wonder about the two of them locked in combat for all time.

Where the hell is Captain James T. Kirk in this smackdown? I would pay real money to see him fight Batman.

I am seriously going to flip a coin.

Heads, Superman wins, Tails Wolverine.

Heads. Superman wins.

Actually, one more thing that is more important than any of that other stuff I said. AT NO POINT in Iron Giant does the Giant say “Wolverine” to evoke an image that makes me cry as he sacrifices himself to save the world. He only says “Superman”, and I cry every damn time. Every time.

Winner: Suuuuuperrrrrmannnn (collides with nuclear missile, Rob cries)

Dave

This is by far the most difficult of the Smackdowns to write, because it’s a pretty clear decision, and Superman is the most boring character in the history of comics. Wolverine is not boring, but has been so completely overexposed by Marvel that no one gives a crap about him anymore. Last I checked, he was in pretty much every group in the Marvel Universe. (And on that line, why is he an Avenger? And why is Spidey one? Marvel sucks so much ass these days, it’s difficult to measure, even with a assuckoscope.

Over the weeks, the virginal geeks of the internet have decided that we planned out the bracket, and that we had a Batman/Superman final planned. This is clearly absurd, as if we were going to plan out the winner, it would NEVER be someone as dull as Superman. (It would have been Kitty Pryde.) We also would have had Deadpool lose to a bystander, as that would enrage the Clearasil crowd to no end. (Deadpool sucks, folks, deal with it.)

As much as I hate every fiber of his boring, uninteresting, never has an interesting storyline in continuity ass, Superman would have no problem dispatching Wolverine.

Winner: Superman

DECISION: SUPERMAN

So it is decided! The final next week will be Superman vs The Flash. Buy your tickets early, as it will be a sellout.

Agree with us below!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re into the semi’s! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

Tony

The reason I chose a somewhat controversial win for Batman over the Hulk is because of The Ultimates. Cap put an adamantium needle full of tranquilizers into the Hulk, changed him into Banner and that was that. I figured if Cap could do it, Bats certainly could.

But, and this is the key, I think… I don’t know of any way to “Undo” the Flash’s power.
Yes, Batman beat Superman with armour, and outside help and a decent amount of time to prepare. Here he has two days to prepare. We can assume he breaks into the joint and sets up a huge variety of gadgets and traps, but here’s the thing…

I don’t think they are going to work.

Is there anything The Flash can’t vibrate his way out of? Plus his reflexes are so fast that even if he gets caught in one of these things, he can be out of it, a little wiser, and can also scout the place for traps, destroy gadgets, etc in the blink of an eye.

I suppose with someone who studied the art of Deus ex Machina as well as Bruce has there are always possibilities. He could:

-Synthesize some sort of drug that will rob Flash of his powers, maybe slip it into his coffee that morning or some such thing. He’s certainly capable of “Getting” to him off hours. But I would argue that two days is too little time to come up with such a drug.

-Grease the bejesus out of the arena floor, but even when Flash slips and falls, he can still avoid any subsequent attack Bats might make

- Use some kind of sonics to bring him down, but Flash is faster than the speed of sound. The sonics wouldn’t last long

Paranoid as he is, Batman is supposed to have safeguards against all the Justice league members. Perhaps there is some sort of an incident out there in the canon where Bats actually does take the Flash out, but I can’t get my head around how exactly.

Because the sheer physics and the spiraling possibilities blow my mind the more I think about it, I’ve got to say…

Bats is going down

Now… if he had a WEEK to prepare…that would be another matter entirely.

Winner: The Flash

Rob

The winner of this fight will be the winner of the all time greatest science fair project in chemistry and relativistic physics. Too bad Peter Parker is already dead.

I tend to agree with TBinns in principal here.  I think preparation time is the issue. You see what happens when you insist even we become canonical to ourselves? Batman potentially loses, and that’s no good for anyone, because I think it’s clear which of these heroes would lose in a battle of “who is less fucking awesome”. Batman is much more  fucking awesome. The Flash is good at track and field events. Batman is a skilled detective. The Flash is good at track and field events in those ridiculous running shorts. Batman is a frightening sociopath with an agenda. The Flash is good at track and field events, and being roughly taken by confused lonely bikers who also travel at great speed.

So, what kind of trap could Batman build that would defeat the Flash? Could he do it in two days? Well, perhaps.

http://www.skybooksusa.com/time-travel/physics/gas.htm

Nothing nonsuperheroic with mass can move faster than the speed of light. However, something without mass, like light itself, can travel faster under certain circumstances. Recent experiments show that  instead of just raising the refractive index of a substance and causing light to move more slowly through it, one can also create a highly unnatural state of matter where the refractive index of a substance is lower than than zero- lower than that of a total vacuum. This is called Gain Assisted Superluminality. In one case, experimenters used a cesium vapour to make light travel faster than the speed of light, so that the pulse of light they send through the cesium vapour left the chamber before it finished entering- Imagine the pulse of light being stretched into an elastic blob of light which snapped into the conclusion of its own emission. I know, we should stick to our tenuous “comedy”. Sit the fuck down, it gets worse.

Problem 1:

Batman knows this, he read this article a few years back as well, or Alfred clipped it for him and added it to Bruce Wayne’s “Big book of things I could use to defeat my friends if necessary, because I don’t really have any friends.”. Consequently, Batman buys all the cesium in the world, and builds a chamber for it- a big one. Bats knows he can now shoot The Flash with a laser that is moving faster than the speed of light- it is a guaranteed hit, and he can dissect The Flash easily. They can be regular old commercial lasers used for the cutting of things. Yes, The Flash can move faster than the speed of light, but let’s imagine that the Scarlet Speedster is held to the same relativistic physics of FTL travel as the waves of light are.

Great, now Batman has a room to trap The Flash in, in which a heavy-with-chubby-mass Flash can be sliced and diced like so much Slap Chop (TM).

Problem 2:

Batman knows he must get The Flash inside this chamber. He needs bait, like a delicious carrot, or birdseed. Likely, there is a sign on the carrot or birdseed which says “Free Food for Flash”. The Flash cannot resist. But, surely the object in the chamber must survive long enough for the Flash to get there? Cesium is not only exceedingly rare, but is also an alkali metal and is reactive on contact with even the teensiest amount of water. One droplet of condensation or moisture would cause a highly reactive explosion that would damage the chamber, or possibly destroy it. So, the food for flashes must be inside a container of some kind, inside the chamber.

Look, I know The Flash wouldn’t be that desperate for a carrot, so if it helps, imagine instead that inside the chamber is something he wouldn’t be able to resist like, I dunno, a young but rough looking biker dude, same chemical properties apply.

Anyways, The Flash really wants this carrot BAD. He just has to get this carrot inside of him, deep, deep inside of him until the carrot becomes one with his body. So, he has to get in to this chamber. The Flash is still human, and passing through the chamber will cause his lungs to spontaneously catch fire, and this would likely result in death- I asked a paramedic, he said “yes, if your lungs spontaneously combusted, you would die.”

The Battle:

Batman awaits Flash at the top of a desert cliff, overlooking the open stretch of lonely road on which the Cesium Death Chamber is perfectly situated.

From the distance, a cloud of dust on the open road, and with a “Meep Meep!”, and the sound of a jet engine, the Flash arrives outside the chamber, and stands quivering, examining it. His sudden halt produces the sound of a sprung sheet metal panel- Twoing!

Batman leans ever closer to the edge of the cliff, waiting to trigger the device.

Then, suddenly, The Flash goes so fast, he BECOMES INCORPOREAL, HE GETS THE CARROT, HE LEAVES THE CHAMBER, HE TRAVELS IN TIME.

Batman sees the device has been triggered, a sly smile rises on his face, one corner of his mouth at a time, as the sound of a a violin string sliding up is heard for each slow part of Batman’s rare smile.

Suddenly from behind Batman, the sound of pizzicato strings, and The Flash sneaks up on him- plink, plink, plink, PLINK! The Flash taps Batman twice on the shoulder, and Batman turns around slowly.

The Flash waves a silent, hello, deposits a brick inside of Batman’s head, and pushes Batman off the cliff. Bruce Wayne removes his mask, so he can see his predicament. He looks down, and sees no ground beneath him. He does a quick take to the camera , and shrugs, and then attempts to run back to the cliff, kicking his legs wildly. Too late, gravity overtakes him, and he drops a thousand feet to the ground below. Just before the brick inside his head makes his skull pop, he lands on the cesiums chamber, which explodes.

Batman stands aloe on the road, ashen- entirely ashen, he is a pile of ashes with eyes. He removes a tiny cocktail umbrella from his utility belt to protect himself, but it is far too late. The Flash arrives  with a “Meep Meep!”, removes a paper fan from his pocket, and while triumphantly munching on his carrot, waves the fan three times and Batman slowly drifts away with the wind, leaving only a furious pair of eyeballs rolling around on the ground, and a bloody brick that was once inside his skull.

With a “Meep Meep!” and a quick coy take to the camera, the Flash is off. You. Can’t. Hit. Something. That. Isn’t. There. And. Can. Time. Travel.

Winner: The Flash.

Loser: Physics.

Dave

There’s simply no question here. We have 48 hours before the fight, and if you think that Batman can’t come up with some way to take the Flash out of the equation in that period of time, you’re just not paying attention . He knows that The Flash is very powerful, and difficult to slow down or stop. He also knows that Deathstroke has beaten him, and Deathstroke isn’t 1/10 the genius that bats is.

1. Early on Day One, Batman set s up elaborate traps and explosions designed to move Flash where Bats wants him. He spends the entire morning measuring, checking, rechecking. Flash secretly watches this from a distance.
2. Afternoon/Evening Day One: Batman tests the rig out using a laser simulation, perfects the system, then resets everything.
3. Batman gets a good nights sleep.
4. Day Two: Batman spends entire day fighting Penguin, making out with Catwoman.
5. Battle Time: Batman waits at ground zero. Flash approaches at light speed, from a completely unexpected angle that Batman didn;t take in to account.
6. Batman moves slightly, Flash’s unconscious body flies into nearby wall.
You see, Early on day one, Batman figured out where Flash would be watching from, and laced the entire area with an aspirant that causes paralysis. It doesn’t take effect for say 42 hours. In fact, the fight was over before Batman even finished setting up the traps, which were a decoy. He spent an entire DAY lulling Flash into a sense of security, the entire time knowing that the fight was done.

How did he do this? He’s the God-Damned Batman.

WINNER: BATMAN

DECISION : THE FLASH

So The Flash moves on to the final, and the whiners who claimed we were fixing this thing to end up Batman/Superman can suck it.

Next week: Wolverine vs Superman!

The Hate starts below!

The X here, in case you didn’t know is the much beloved and controversial Kitty Pryde, who, let’s face it sounds more like the name of a Country and Western singer from the 70’s than an actual Superhero. These are the brackets, stay tuned and place your bets!

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

This week: The Man of Steel vs the Amazon Princess

DAVE

This one looks pretty simple at a glance. Superman is strong. Like, REALLY strong. And he’s invulnerable to pretty much everything, except rocks from space. And he can fly.

But most of those things are also true of Wonder Woman. And these two have gone toe to toe before, and it wasn’t over in a moment. Most people are going to underestimate Diana in this battle, that might be her advantage.

I think the key to the victory lies in the character traits.

Wonder Woman finds out about the impending battle. Visits Batman, gets kryptonite in lead lined box, waits for Supes to arrive.

When he does, she waits, cautiously. Superman steps forward, and launches into a monologue that lasts about 180 minutes, touching on friendship, honesty, how lonely it is to be an alien growing up on Earth. For 179 of those minutes, Diana listens, growing more and more bored, until finally her attention wavers for a moment, and Superman moves in for the knockout. One punch, and a lot of super fucking boring talking.

Because that’s who Superman is. An overpowered, uninteresting blowhard. He’s that jock from high school who can’t shut up about how great it was to be in high school, and when you friend him on facebook, all of his status updates are about how awesome it is to have friends from high school around.

Eventually, you unfriend him, and he destroys your house by dropping a tree on it. But I digress.

Winner: Superman

Rob

Golly wonkers you guys, I’m still reeling from all the bitching about how Kitty Pryde was gonna take the match and how everyone hated that idea, and then when Wolverine beat her how you all complained about that. Well, I’m not falling for that trap again. I’ll side with whoever I feel like, and you can all just complain that you are leaving the site forever, but then not leave, because I will charm you with….uh…. whatever attributes that I have which are charming.

Okay, here are some facts:

1. Superman got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern on the planet Vulcan. Wonder Woman has a costume which looks better illustrated than in a live action TV show.. Edge: Hal Jordan

2. The people at the University of Wikipedia Warsaw Campus assure me that part of Wonder Woman’s incredible strength comes Amazon training involving focusing her mental energy into her body. However, “her powers would be removed, in accordance with Aphrodite’s Law, if she allowed herself to be bound or chained by a male.”. This is inarguably the hottest thing I have ever heard described, and I am in no way requesting links to the fan illustrations of Wonder Woman in compromising positions involving bondage. Edge: Wonder Woman.

3. Not to belabour the point too much, but if Wonder Woman and Kitty Pryde found themselves in some kind of crossover in which they had to use their combined feminine powers to escape from some kind of sexy dungeon, possibly Arkham Asylum, I would buy all six issues of that miniseries. It would be best if there was some kind of tentacled creature involved as well. Edge: Wonder Woman

4. Superman is Superman. Deus Ex Machina. He is like what Baptists think Jesus is like. Edge: Superman

5. Has anyone else read Niven’s “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex”? It has nothing to do with this fight, but it sure as hell makes me think.

6. So, Maybe Kitty Pryde has to gently kiss some kind of toxic poison off the lips of Wonder Woman, but then, a single strand of this poison which is only dangerous to WW trickles down her midriff and to regions lower. What is Kitty Pryde to do?  The soft lighting of the dungeon and the scent of incense fills the room with an aura reminiscent of hot summers by the lakeshore, with a looming thunderstorm that might cool things down just so… Once the poison has been removed, the two share a strange silent moment of closeness.

Anywho, this is a fight to the death, and we have to assume that Clark Kent would get the fuck over himself, and kill Wonder Woman. No amount of boy scout ethics or Kent-Farm-Wisdom will stop him from annihilating her. This is too bad, because she’s about the only living woman he could breed with successfully. Assuming, that is, that their DNA was compatible, which it cannot for any fathomable reason be. Kryptonians are solar powered freaks, and humans are easily killed by swine flu.

Winner: Superman

Loser: Superman’s future babies.

TONY

Where this one gets interesting of course, if one can claim that it is at all, is that because these two work together so closely, they absolutely know how to exploit each others weaknesses.

and then will completely fail to do so based on a strong sense of honor.

So it’ll be knock down drag out. I don’t think she’d use kryptonite, even if she could get some. It would seem like “Cheating”

Late era Wonder women as opposed to her sexist/fetishist earlier incarnations, has been written more Xena and less She Sa if you take my meaning. She’s a warrior, with a berserker streak. She often chides Superman for NOT using everything he’s got and behaving like the God he is. Plus she’s got a magic sword that cuts through everything like butter. Apparently she’s even taken Bats AND Supes out before. there is precedence and canon here.

But that said…I’m still giving it to Superman. There is just too much going on with that dude power wise. It’s almost like at some point they just made up a new power for him every week, and then they were stuck with them all.That’s how his crappier villains were born.

“Uhhh…how about another Superman, with bad skin and he…talks backward?s Oh and a magic elf that won’t go away until you say his name backwards!”

They were very big on backwards in the Superman writers room at some point, it seems.

So with edge to Superman, and with deference to the whole “Just fly her into space” arguement, I’m giving this one to The big Blue Boyscout

Winner: Superman

DECISION: Superman

So the Semi Finals are Set! Flash vs Batman, Wolverine vs Superman.

Next week: Flash vs Batman!

Tell us how wrong and dumb we are below!

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.





QuarterFinal: Wolverine vs Shadowcat

(ED: For the Quarterfinals and beyond, we assume the combatants have some knowledge of the others existence and powers. We assume they have about 2 days notice of the impending battle.)

DAVE

The hardest of the fights so far, student vs mentor. Kitty spent a lot of time under Logan’s wing, and knows a lot about how he operates. She’s an extremely intelligent woman, and a skilled fighter. She was trained in the ways of the ninja and can hold her own in a fight. She’s a great tactician, and has a fire breathing dragon for a pet. Oh, and she can walk through walls and make things incorporeal.

Wolverine is the embodiment of fierceness and aggression. He’s been in more scraps than most (way more), and has seen a lot of things in his day. With the near-unbreakable skeleton and the healing factor, he’s very difficult to stop. He doesn’t quit, he has tons of stamina, and claws that can cut through pretty much anything.

here’s how this plays out:

Kitty walks out into the middle of an abandoned lot, kneels on the ground and waits. Logan walks up.

LOGAN: Heya kiddo. How ya keeping.

KITTY: I’m good Logan. You?

LOGAN: Can’t complain. Look, I don’t like this any more than you, but this is the way it has to go down. I’m sorry darlin’, I love you. (pops claws) Snikt.

KITTY: No Logan. You’re wrong. That’s not how it’s going down.

LOGAN: Look kid, you know and I know there’s no way that you can hurt me, and you can’t phase through me without hurting yourself.

KITTY: You know Logan, you’re the best fighter I know, and you’re right, there is no way I can phase through you, or outfight you. That’s why I brought this. (Opens hand, showing a small cylinder with a red button on the top).

LOGAN: You’re gonna blow us up?

KITTY: (with a tear in her eye). Nope. CLICK

Kitty presses the button and phases underground. At the same time, a tremendous thrumming noise is heard, and part of a nearby wall crumbles away, revealing a 2 story high supermagnet. Logan looks, confused, then his eyes widen and he is launched through the air, slamming into the magnet, where he remains, immobile.

Kitty reappears, walks over to the magnet, and smiles at Logan.

KITTY: I have this sword made of Antarctic Vibranium, which we both know can liquify your adamantium skeleton. But we also both know I’m not going to use it. In fact, in order for me to win this battle, I’d have to hurt you, which we both know I’m not going to do. So here it is: I yield.

LOGAN: What? But, you have me where you want me.

KITTY: Logan, that magnet can’t hold you forever. In fact, it’s drawing so much power, the neighborhood is already starting to brown out. Like everyone, you underestimated me. My plan was never to beat you. It was to make sure you didn’t beat me. I don’t really want to die.

LOGAN: So you’re giving up?

KITTY: Listen, when I heard we had to fight, I did some research. The website was ridiculously easy to break in to, and I saw the previous decisions, and the upcoming bracket. I’ve seen what’s coming, and if anyone has a chance from our universe, it’s you. By virtue of that, and the fact that I can’t actually win, I give up.

The magnet stops, Logan falls to the ground.

LOGAN: So what now?

KITTY: You have to win. By the rules, you have to incapacitate me. You just needed a little reminder of what could have happened if you ever piss me off.

Logan smiles

LOGAN: You’re one hell of a woman, kiddo.

KITTY: I had a great teacher. No bruises on the face, please.

Logan cuffs Kitty across the back of the head. She slumps down, unconscious.

Winner: Wolverine

ROB:

Oh my holy-fuck-in-a-bucket, Dave, that was the gayest thing you have ever penned. Like, I know you wrote “Admin_Rock’s Guide to the Gayest Shit You’ll Ever Hear In Your Life” but that limited run self publication was not even 1/4 as gay as this.  And I don’t mean schoolyard gay, I mean homosexual. And, just to be perfectly clear, I know, and am friends with many homosexual individuals, and that traipse through the daisies you shat upon our website was stereotype-reinforcing gay. The kind of gay that Broadway wishes it wasn’t sometimes so that people wouldn’t criticize them for being too gay.

Now, on to my highly relevant stats from my 1990 Marvel cards:

Kitty Pryde, AKA Shadowcat, is 5′4″, which is an inch taller than Logan is. That’s right Marvel says so.  Advantage, Kitty.

Logan, apparently weighs only 195 pounds, which means adamantium is an unusually light metal, and possibly an alkali metal, and possible reactive when exposed to water, or his own innards. Logically, Wolverine can’t exist because of the incontrovertible scientific evidence that adamantium is just like cesium. . I know what you are thinking, how come adamantium is unrealistic, but a teenage babe turned young adult heroin who can become incorporeal is okay? Because, that’s why. Advantage, Kitty

As of 1990, Kitty had a 57% win ratio, whereas Wolvie had a 64% win ratio in battles. Wolvie usually fights Marvel’s most sinister bad guys, and they never face the really tough guys off against Kitty. Logicaly, they never make Kitty Pryde fight the awesomest super villains because she would kick too much ass. Advantage, Kitty.

Here is how this goes down.

1. Kitty and Wolverine fight, even though they have no reason to.

2. Kitty phases Logan’s adamantium-bone-free penis right off his body.

3. A suddenly wangless Wolverine must painfully attempt to re-heal his doodle, using his XXX healing factor.

Plus, I’ve been saying you can’t hit something that isn’t there. Sure, adamantium might be troubling for Kitty, and cause her great pain, but she is fighting to the totally non-gay death (Admin Rock?) and some short term pain would still allow her to phase Wolvie into the centre of the earth, which is seriously magnetic, and short on oxygen.

Also, adamantium would surely melt at centre-of-the-earth, because they left adamantium in a open topped forge in the Wolverine prequel, so it must melt at just over room temperature, or with common household or industrial heating devices. In fact, based on the science of the recent Wolverine flick, Kitty could just point her hair dryer at Logan, and his adamantium skeleton would melt- Otherwise, he would have evaporated that whole tank of water they built him in, right? I mean, it HAS to have a melting point below the boiling point of water. Healing factor aside, if something gets hotter than the boiling point of water, it makes the water heat up and boil. No?

Finally, at no point was Ellen Page cast to play Wolverine, and that is where my real alliance is.

Winner: By Belief in the Great Radioactive Lantern: Kitty “Shadowcat” Pryde.

Loser: The writers of the Wolverine prequel.

TONY

The real question here is, how do we get these two to fight? We didn’t come here to watch these two catch up on old times, then team up to beat the rest of the brackets. (Or did we…? That might actually be more fun) No dammit we came here for a fight!

So maybe Wolverine makes fun of Twilight which engenders rage in many young women , or Kitty makes fun of the opening number in the Oscars and makes a few gay jokes. Maybe mind control, or some such thing, it doesn’t matter. For our purposes we need them to fight and they are going to, so spare us the “They would never fight each other” shtick.

There has been some mention of Kitty being unable to phase when she’s wet. This opens up a bunch of opportunities for plenty of inappropriate jokes (I guess she couldn’t phase during a Jonas Brother’s concert, for instance) and it would also be a very short fight if Aquaman was still in the bracket. But my research didn’t really turn anything up about her losing her abilities in water. I did read something in the comments section about Sentinels dousing her with heavy water, which even if it didn’t stop her phasing would definitely do her in. 10 years later, but still, pretty insidious. I also read that she has trouble phasing through adamantium

Aha!

Now one of the ways Wolverine can die is suffocation, so grab and phase into the earth… Boom,! Wolvie all done. BUT IF she has trouble phasing adamantium, she would have trouble phasing his entire skeletal structure. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, and saying she could phase him, she can only go down into the earth as long as she could hold her breath. And adamantium claws are pretty good for digging your way out of tight spots I should think. Plus if they are both phased, one assumes he can hit her which is what I was saying back at the Deadpool fight.

Bottom line, if adamantium causes her pain when she phases through it, We can assume that the claws will do some damage,(Although not as much as someone who couldn’t phase out) while she has no real way to hurt someone with such a MASSIVE healing factor.

And besides, I don’t even think she won the last fight. Come to think of it, I voted for Spawn to beat Wolverine in the last bracket too. Shows you what I know. And also that nobody around here listens to me.

I’m definitely giving this to Wolverine.

Winner: Wolverine

DECISION: WOLVERINE

So Wolverine moves on to the next round, as the last best hope for the Marvel Universe. Tune in next week to see whether he takes on Superman or Wonder Woman.

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.





(Ed’s note: there is a lot of clarification in our article this week, due to high volumes of being called cum-eaters”)

Spider-Man versus The Flash

Dave

By this point in the smackdown, (this is the 10th week, if you’re keeping track), I’ve basically resigned myself to being called any number of things, regardless of whom I choose.

I thought I’d take a minute or two to clear up some misconceptions that many of you seem to have regarding the Smackdowns…

1) There is no pre-determined winner. Each of us write our piece separately, and then we post them together. One of us adds in the header and footer and some pictures, and declares the winner based on the majority. In fact, we don’t always agree on the winner.

2) We haven’t decided the ultimate winner of the bracket in advance (see 1 above, which would make that difficult).

3) The bracket was determined long before the Fark greenlights started happening, and long before anyone took a serious interest in the final outcome. So yes, we understand that the bracket could be better, but we can’t (apart from having substituted some players) very well change that now.

4) We don’t get paid for this. Apart from remuneration from ads, which I can assure you is fairly minimal, The Correctness is a labour of love, sucking up our time, energy, and cash (which mostly goes to pay for bandwidth used by people who call us morons). We’re thinking of instituting a pay-for-insult scheme, whereby the most acerbic of you can pay us a small fee to call us anything you wish. We’ll be rich!

5) Our opinions are just that. We claim to be comic book lovers, not experts. Tony reads the books he likes, I read the ones I like, Rob likes shiny objects.

6) There is no DC/Marvel bias that I know of. I grew up mostly Marvel, but in the last few years, Marvel has sucked a huge amount of ass, and I’ve found myself catching up on a lot of DC titles. Really Marvel? 47 Avengers titles? Ultimates? Civil War? Zombies? Apes? The only thing you’ve done that piques my interest lately is bring back Clairmont to write “X-Men Forever”, and even that’s been pretty bland. The Grant Morrison “Batman and Robin” alone, in it’s first 4 issues, is better than anything you guys did this decade.

7) It was Rob’s idea to add Kitty Pryde to the bracket, and as a laugh have her win the whole thing. This idea was quickly dismissed, apart from leaving her in the bracket.

8 ) We added the 2 days of preparation bit after hearing from readers that they wanted more setup. This happened at the beginning of the Quarterfinals. It gives the prep guys a bit of time to get ready, but not enough to build insane things and such. It’s a compromise that gives the thinkers a bit of a chance, but not enough to totally control things. It’s every bit as valid as a “chance meeting” setup.

whew… Okay ,so Spidey vs the Flash….

The only thing Spidey has going for him in this fight is his spidey sense. He gets a warning that someone or something is about to attack him. His amazing agility and speed allow him to react to this data very very quickly.

But The Flash can make about 35 of these attacks while Spidey is still dodging the first. The sad part about this is that it’s likely Barry Allen as the Flash, whom I find tedious at best. I’m not exactly sure why he’s being “Reborn”, as Wally West is about 346 times more interesting as a character. But Geoff Johns has his reasons, and most things he writes are really well done, so I’ll go with it for a while.

You’re probably asking yourself why i’m digressing with talk about rules and Barry Allen’s return, but rest assured it’s because this particular fight has been over since I typed the word “By”.

Winner: The Flash

Rob:

Well, this week, I have done some research. I pulled my Note-Tote binder of first series Marvel cards off the shelf, and I can give you some very current stats.

As of 1990, Spider-Man, who wears a black costume with a white spider on it,  stands 5′10″, weighs 165 pounds (seems a tad light to me) and has fought in 982 battles. He has had 620 wins, 328 losses, and 34 ties.  His black costume is totally innocuous and not at all an alien symbiote (check the timeline of this joke for bonus points).

These Marvel cards were released before series 2, in which Marvel made the fucktarded mistake of assigning a “power” and “strength” rating to all of their heroes and villains.  At least the DC universe had some ambiguity, and Marvel did too, at one point. Just how super strong was Spider-man? Could he beat the Hulk? Eventually, Marvel sucked all the fun out of it.

The Flash, obviously, is not in the Marvel universe, and is certainly not in one of my complete set of limited edition holograms.

Spider-Man got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive lantern, while the Flash got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive lantern, just like the Green Lantern.

Things I do not recall: I do not recall singing along to the Scarlet Speedster’s theme song. I do not recall seeing awesome Flash-based movies (except for a flawed hypothetical third film). I do not recall reading Flash comics. I do not recall owning Flash action figures. I do not recall desperately hoping a real-live girl would come over to my tree-fort, which I furnished with the finest garage sale back-issues of the Flash.

Standing by my previous comments, because the Flash can move crazy fast, faster perhaps than spider-sense, and he can, according to the intertubes, become incorporeal (just like my hero, Kitty Pryde),  and going entirely against every tender fibre of my childhood, my whole belief system, and my sense of faith in the Universe, I’m giving this one to the Flash.

Once again, The Flash just speeds up, drops a brick off inside of Spidey’s head whilst incorporeal, and it’s over. The classic brick-left-inside-yer-head gambit.

Winner: The Flash

Loser: My Childhood

Tony

SPIDEY: That’s a weird coincidence… I knew a guy named Flash once. He was kind of di-(Flash of scarlet) OW!!!

Well, that’s about all he’d get out. There have been several complaints about how DC universe keeps beating the pants off of Marvel universe characters, at least in our estimation. This boils down to the DC Universe being generally overpowered. Even the unpowered Batman is given such iconic status that writers find a way for him to beat even the most super powered foes (Guilty!) I love Marvel characters. There’s more Marvel on my office shelf than DC, by virtue of the fact that being somewhat more vulnerable makes for interesting characters. We aren’t debating quality here, we are working with what we know about the characters, and what I know about the Flash is, he will fuck you up before you have time to even spin a web of any size.

Allow me to justify myself a tad before you go throwing what we at the Correctness refer to as “The Green Lantern incident” at me. There were three things saving Spidey when he beat Green Lantern

1.We generally go with the classic silver age heroes we all grew up with, which meant the yellow issue was still very much in play. 2. Spider sense which allowed Spidey to react precious seconds before Hal, and most importantly 3. Hal’s enormous power came from something that could be taken off of him, and if anyone could find a way to do that, it was Spidey.

But he can’t stop the Flash from being the Flash. Sticky tar on the ground? He’d vibrate his way out of it.. Web trap? Spotted it, avoided it, speed read “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” blogged about it being over rated, and still landed a rabbit punch on ol web head before he finished his first overlong thought balloon.

Here’s a question, Can Spider-man stay up and out of the way and wait for Flash to wear himself out? After all, Parker is super strong and if he does manage to land one, it could be good night Irene. (See what I did there?) Well I think with enough speed, Flash can run up walls. So no, even heights won’t help him. And God help Peter if he DOES manage to stick a web on Barry, because I can’t imagine being dragged at the speed of light is fun.

Sorry Spider-Man. The Flash has got you beat.

Winner: The Flash

P.S. Do your worst, commenters, by the time you read this, I will be in Paris, nibbling on baguettes, and occasionally my wife’s earlobe. Eat it, bitches!

Decision: The Flash

So The Flash moves on to the Semi-Finals, taking on The Batman, while the other side of the Bracket is yet to be decided. Tune in next week for Shadowcat vs Wolverine. The part where you tell us how wrong we are is below!