Lots of other sites will preview those OTHER movies. You know, they’ll show on set pictures of Captain America. Not holding a shield. Not even in the costume. And it’s blurry as all hell. Or they’ll show you a car on the set of Thor. Well, not the Correctness. No sir. The Correctness are a bunch of zeitgeist loving motherfuckers who know EXACTLY what our loyal audience wants. We are out searching for the REAL scoop.

That’s why our vast network of spy (Yes, the singular is on purpose) has been scouring the internet and sometimes leaving his house to bring you the freshest scoops from the world of Superhero movies.

There was the imaginatively titled “Jersey Shore : the XXX Parody”

There was “The Simpsons :the XXX Parody” for all you jaundice fetishists out there.

There was “XXX Parody : The XXX Parody” for the fella that likes a little meta with his spank material

Well The Correctness has gotten a sneak preview of the next great XXX- Parody. Here for your enjoyment, are selections from the screenplay for “X-men : The XXX Parody” which we all know should be called “XXX-Men” but evidently they really don’t want to mess with success over there at the XXX Parody studios.( Or at Least “Sex Men” I mean COME ON!! ) Now this is not the complete screenplay, unfortunately by the time I got to it to write the article, all of the scenes with Kitty Pryde were either ripped out or …rendered unusable by Robbie Robtown. Just a few selections for you to peruse before we are forced to take them down by Disney, Marvel and our wives.

Enjoy.

INT. SEX-MANSION – DAY

Young Rogue is speaking with Wolverine

WOLVERINE

So you wanna join the  SEX-Men do ya, bub? Well…what are your powers?

ROGUE

Well, I guess you could say I…SUCK all of the powers out of superheroes

WOLVERINE

Is that so? Care to prove it?

ROGUE

I sure would, sugar!

Rogue drops to her knees.

(Zip)

(Snikt)

ROGUE (con’t)

Oh my!  It’s so HARD!

WOLVERINE

That’s right. Those Bastards at Weapon XXX replaced my boner with Adamantium

ROGUE

You ARE a mutant! Do y’all know how to use that thing?

WOLVERINE

Sure do, Baby. I’m the best at what I do…and what I do is VERY nice…

*************************************************

INT. THE SEX-JET-NIGHT

Kitty Pryde and Collossus are in the back of the Sex-jet, waiting to go on a very important mission

KITTY

So…what’s the mission, Colossus?

COLOSSUS

Juggsernaut is on a rampage…we must stop him.

KITTY

How frightening. I hope it goes okay…I mean I don’t want to die  a virgin.

Colossus smiles. Kitty smiles back. she slowly starts to unzip the front of her costume

KITTY

Say…why DO they call you Colossus?

(Whoomp. Clunk. Jet dips a little then rights itself.)

KITTY

Oh my God…I’m gonna have to use my phase power just to get that in my…

(Several pages missing…action picks up 15 pages later)

KITTY

That’s it…That’s it! Don’t stop!

JUGGSERNAUT

I won’t stop…I’m the JUGGSERNAUT, BITCH!!

**********************************************

EXT. SEX-MANSION GARDENS – DAY

Jean Grey is talking with her husband, Scott

JEAN

I’m so scared, Scott…I feel like I can’t control my powers anymore

SCOTT

It’ll be okay Jean… Professor Sex will help you

JEAN

I don’t think he can help me, it’s too big. It’s like a big hot ache deep inside me…

SCOTT

You seemed to handle big things inside you before. Like on our wedding night.Maybe I can help you with that.

JEAN

You mean you want me to show you my Dark Phoenix?

SCOTT

and I’ll show you my Cyclops…

Emma Frost saunters out from behind a nearby hedge

EMMA

Any room for me?

JEAN

YOU! Get lost bitch! Get Your Own Man

EMMA

Oh Jean, you foolish girl. Don’t you know I’m psychic. I can read minds…and I know just what you want…

Jean and Emma kiss tenderly…Scott smiles

SCOTT

You might be able to turn yourself into diamonds Emma…but I’m the one getting hard!

***********************************************

INT. BEASTS LAB-DAY

Hank is working away in the Lab…when Storm comes in

STORM

Hank! The Sextinals are coming, to destroy all the Sex Men with their Sex Rays. Also…sex.

BEAST

I can’t help right now…I have to work something for  Professor Sex

STORM

What are you working on?

BEAST

It’s an experiment on the attraction of Magnetic particles. This could be the key to defeating Magneto.

STORM

speaking of attraction…I’ve been wanting to do a little experimenting myself

BEAST

With what?

STORM

Beastiality….

A small localized rainstorm begins, soaking Storm and her white costume right through

STORM

Ohh look…I got myself all wet for you…

BEAST

Oh My Stars and Garters!

****************************************

INT. SEX MANSION, DANGER ROOM – NIGHT

Jean is sprawled out in bed with Colossus and Wolverine, all three naked and exhausted

JEAN

Wow. That was incredible! What do you call that maneuver you pulled?

WOLVERINE

(Wait for it. Here it comes. Everybody together now)

It’s called a” Fastball special”

JEAN

It was amazing

WOLVERINE

Wanna do it again?

JEAN

Already?

WOLVERINE

Healing factor. (Snickt)

JEAN

I like how it’s retractable.

WOLVERINE

You ready, Colossus?

Colossus “Metals up”

COLOSSUS

Da. Good to go

*****************************

The Big Finale. Rogue, Storm, Psychlocke, Jean Grey, Kitty Pryde, Emma Frost and Dazzler are facing Magneto, Mystique, Scarlet Witch and Lady Deathstrike.

STORM

You’ll never get away with enslaving mankind Magneto…we are here to stop you!

MAGNETO

Fools. I offered you a mutant paradise. And now you will bow to your true master. It’s time to evolve ladies!

Magneto waves his hand, all zippers , buttons, bra straps etc come off, The girls scream and make a show of covering up.

EMMA FROST

Hey, what the hell? I wasn’t wearing any metal!

JEAN GREY

That was me.

They share a sly smile

MAGNETO

And now you’ll see my true plan come to fruition! Charles!

Professor Sex comes rolling out

KITTY (Whose name actually does sound like a porn star)

Thank goodness. Get him professor!

MAGNETO

Not so fast. I gained access to Cerebro and switched the components….the first time Charles used it, it changed his way of thinking forever…he’s with me now!

JEAN GREY

Oh NO!!

CHARLES

Yes indeed, Jean. and now I have a little surprise for you…

The Sex-Women all clutch their heads…then start touching each other

PSYCLOCKE

Aughh.. he’s too powerful…he’s controlling us…

MAGNETO

That’s right. You are powerless against him. Raven my dear, you know what to do…

MYSTIQUE

I sure do…

The Females of the brotherhood start kissing and fondling the Sex-Women

DAZZLER

I can’t resist…it feels…so right…

EDITORS NOTE: What follows is a lesbian orgy of unprecedented depravity and duration, topped off by Mystique becoming at various points in the orgy Elektra, Spider-Woman, She Hulk and every other female in the Marvel universe, and occasionally, when warranted, growing a penis. I would have included this, but Robbie Robtown got to it first, and he has told me that he will die before he parts with it. He has literally threatened to “Punch me in my face hole until I am dead” . Then he broke down crying, clutching the pages to his chest, gently rocking back and forth, uttering “here Kitty Kitty Kitty” between heaving sobs. So we must skip these 50 or so pages of spectacular finale and go straight to the conclusion…if you have a problem with this, take it up with RRT.

The orgy finally ends. Everyone lounges about…very satisfied.

EMMA

Wow…we aren’t just mutants…we’re also freaks.

KITTY

Talk about Sex Men United…

They hear a giggling from up above. The camera pans up. Nightcrawler is hanging upside down from the chandelier

JEAN

Nightcrawler! You Perv!

NIGHTCRAWLER

I’m sorry, I did not mean to snoop

EMMA

How long have you been up there?

NIGHTCRAWLER

Long enough to get a wicked case of…BLUE BALLS!

Everyone laughs. Nightcrawler gives a shrug and a thumbs up

Fade out:

The End

Well, there you have it. You may now proceed to your respective bunks. Stay tuned next week when we give you an exclusive preview of The Fucktastic Four

SUE

Looks like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place

BEN

I think it’s clobberin time…

and coming soon, a preview of the big budget Superhero epic, The Assvengers

CAP

ASS-vengers…ASS-emble!

BLACK WIDOW

Again? Jesus Christ we need more women in this group

Till then…make mine MARVEL!

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

Part 4 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Storm arguably the most powerful mutant in the Marvel Universe. (In any kind of real life scenario, someone who controls the weather runs the world, but we’ll save that for another article)

Who is being recast?

Halle Berry

Now why would anyone in their right minds recast an Oscar winning actress widely known to be one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood? Well, I’ll tell you why. SHE’S TERRIBLE in this role. The accent in the first X-men movie was Costner-like in its inconsistency. And because of her top billing status, she demanded and got, more screen time thus pushing Cyclops to a much undeserved death in the 3rd movie. Even when she dropped the accent Storm didn’t seem like she could lead a cub scout troupe much less a band of powerful mutants. Besides, Catwoman means we get to retroactively revoke her comic book character card for good.

Now this was a tough one. I never used to think that there was racial and sexual inequality when it comes to casting in Hollywood until I tried to come up with a shortlist for this article and drew a huge blank. I actually had to do some digging around to find out who was out there. That means either a) There really aren’t that many great roles for African American women out there, or b) I am a horrible racist bastard.

I am sincerely hoping it’s A)

Honorable Mentions

Cassie Ventura

I personally had never heard of her until my friend Trevor suggested her. She is evidently a model and a singer, as well as a dancer. The pictures seem to say she’d look fantastic, and the dance training suggests she can probably do the wire work required for flying pretty well, but I’d have pretty severe reservations until I’d actually seen her act. Trevor, on the other hand would cast her in anything and everything and threatened the life of my cats if I did not include her on the list. So this one is for the well being of Mauser and Fluffypudge.

Sanaa Lathan

Another award winner, this one a Yale Graduate who cut her teeth on Broadway and has been in such heavy hitters as the TV adaptation of A Raisin In The Sun. You probably know her as Vanessa from Blade, or for the four of you who watched it, Alexa from AvP. She is also a regular on the Clevleand show, but again we’ll try not to hold that against her. I haven’t seen enough of her work to know for sure, but that is an impressive resume, and great screen presence right there.

Nia Long

Nia Long is used to handling the dramatic heavy lifting on Third watch, and some of the comedic heavy lifting (If there is indeed any to be had) on the Cleveland show. She’s also been in the Big Momma’s House movies, but her agent contacted us and asked us not to emphasize that too much. She seems to have that air of dignity and confidence that would be required for Storm. Definitely someone I hope to see more of.

BONUS QUESTION: What happens to a Toad when it is struck by lightning?

Answer: Everybody in the audience rolls their eyes

The “If I had a Time Machine Award” goes to

Nichelle Nichols Circa 1965

Yeah, I went there. At least I am a self aware huge Nerd. What about you? You are reading an article about Storm. Don’t judge me!

The Top 3

3. Gina Torres

Kicking ass and taking names aboard Serenity, Gina is the epitome of the strong black woman. She has the looks, the brains and the leadership qualities needed to make a great Storm. For the record, both Wash, and Morphius agree with me.

2. Zoe Saldana

Being the lead in the highest grossing science fiction film of all time (kind of) AND Playing Uhura sends Zoe’s geek cred through the roof. She was one of the highlights of a great Trek reboot, and if you insisted on skewing younger with the part, you couldn’t do much better than Zoe

And my #1 choice for Storm is…

Angela Basset

Okay she probably should have gone under the Time machine heading circa 1998, but hear me out…

This is, if I may be so bold as to pun horrifically “The Perfect Storm.” Strength, Charisma, Wisdom and all of those other D and D stats that go into making a great superhero. An amazing actress who looks like she could be kind and motherly one moment and whoop your ass the next. If I were an X-man, I would follow Angela Basset.

So that about wraps it up for this edition of the Casting Couch. Join us again soon…you don’t have to be blind to see that Elektra could use a bit of recasting.

(Note: This is a repost of the original)

Today’s Topic:

Hobbes is to Calvin what Tyler Durden is to Edward Norton’s unnamed Narrator in Fight Club.

Things to consider….

1) Everyday when he comes home from school, Hobbes pounces on Calvin, thus he is fighting himself

2)Hobbes may be an extension of Calvin’s personality he may not be ready to deal with yet, ie: his latent attraction to Suzie Derkins. In the Movie, it’s Tyler who bangs Marla, the Edward Norton character doesn’t even admit to being attracted to her.

3) All of these characters are, in their own way rebelling against authority

4) People who have a decal of Calvin peeing on the logo of a rival truck do NOT get Calvin and Hobbes. AT ALL.

Discuss.

Please note the Correctness has received a special dispensation, and we can, this one time, talk about Fight Club

I was basically minding my own business at the university, as I usually do. You know, just eating some inexpensive plain rice, and watching girls go by.  Maybe this is a bit autobiographical, but ever since 1/3 of The Correctness went back to school, a lot of the young girls seem way more retarded than they seemed the first time around.

So, there I was eating my rice and watching the fifteenth or sixteenth 19 year old girl get snowed by some 3rd year psychology student who wanted to just go somewhere private with her and “Just people-watch for fun.”, when my friend Kimura came over. He gave me the usual hello by allowing an implausible large smile to appear instantly on his face, blushing violently, and having his eyes disappear into tight lines in the folds of his cheeks.

Anywho, suddenly the sky in the student centre went all multicoloured and blurry, and the camera panned around to my arch nemesis Hiroko. For those of you uninformed, you can easily spot Hiroko as my arch nemesis because his hair is taller, more spiky, and more blonde than mine.

“So, RobbieRobTown, we meet again, only this time I control the DrakkBattle Cubes!” said Hiroko, as the multicoloured pastel background reflected in his huge glossy eyes. He held aloft his Battlecard BallPower StickSpoon 9Mech.

“Oh no!” Said a terrified Kimura, “Hiroki has come to battle your DigiGen GI-Force BakuSushiMon, but your HamsterMon is weak from battling the KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X!”.

Kimura could not have been more right. Only last week while I had been waiting in a very long line for rice (Because it is shorter than the Tim Horton’s line by a significant margin.), I was forced to battle my tired HamsterMon.  The KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X was in line ahead of me, and changed his order several times.

The camera (I already mentioned the camera, but there is a camera in the student centre that follows me) snap-zoomed in on my face, and I held an angry stare with Hiroko.

I turned to face Hiroko. “Not so fast, Hiroko, I have been training my trading card/ arm holstered/ real life creature/ video game thing HamsterMon, and I  have already played the MechaTornadonite Cretttt Nort, and I am ready for this battle!”

Suddenly, the card-stock illustrated character creatures on our cards magnified to 50 times their original size. My once cute HamsterMon sprouted green spikes and razor sharp teeth on his Digigyoza Anus.

Hiroko’s TurtleJesusNondaiMon Red Series drooled acid onto the floor, melting a 19 year old girl.

“You cannot defeat me now!” Said Hiroko. “Your HamsterMon is too weak! And with the DrakkBattle Cubes activated, you have lost all your reversal MonCheeto Ran Ran Reduxite points!”

“But you have forgotten one thing!” I said, pausing for dramatic effect while our giant drooling monsters didn’t actually fight, but instead waited around while we discussed a card game/ plastic ball battle that was somehow simultaneously literal and metaphorical. “I have activated the Gotogoto Tenfive Z lore cards! And because I have Jandu’s Ring of Lunghat, Your DrakkBattle Cubes are in reversal Clamato mode!”

Suddenly, our two montsters leapt into the air, and yet with very little movement, attacked each other! They made several quickly edited but limited motions, and as they collided and struck each other flashes of light obscured the action.

Finally, without any sense being made, HamsterMon shrunk back into a regular hamster, and nuzzled into my neck. Meanwhile, Hiroko’s hideous TurtleJesusNondaiMon Red Series turned back into a collectible playing card, instead of a small living creature.

Then I bled profusely from my eyes due to massive brain trauma. That was pretty much my Thursday.

The formula is simple.

The shittier the apartment block is, the more grandly it is named. Thus all the way through downtown Calgary, you’ll find horrid looking apartment blocks that are named after rich peoples summer homes.

Ie; Oakwood Manor.

If you are putting the word “Manor” anywhere on your building, you might not want to design it so it looks like a concrete block with balconies attached.

“Ah the memories, summers at Grand Pater and Grand Mama’s. How I miss the soft rustling of the carts being pushed by the homeless, and the gentle whisper of 3 am vomiting in the nearby dumpsters. I remember the Manor would turn a striking grey when the sun hit it just right, and heated the only room up like a convection oven. To this day, when I hear the name “Oakwood Manor” my eyes well up with the remembered smell of urine and other people’s gross cooking. Can happiness be found in a pile of flyers in a corridor next to a wall of rusted mail slots? Grand Pater would say so.”

-Excerpt from “Oakwood Manor Revisited.” By Thomas Erpingham-Carrington Smitherly Smythe

Part one of a series of articles in which the Correctness recasts some our favourite comic book heroines, and reclaims them from some performances that left…some room for improvement. This week, we tackle Superman’s REAL weakness, Ms. Lois Lane.

Who is Being Replaced? Kate Bosworth

Superman Returns was, I think we can all agree, a bit of a misfire. It had a number of problems (Superman lifting a kryptonite continent into the sky after being stabbed by kryptonite being a big one for me) but it had its share of good things too.(Plane sequence was awesome)Many internet pundits complained about Kate Bosworth’s Lois, said she was bland and possessed none of the fire Lois really needs. In a way she became, fairly or unfairly, a microcosm of everyone’s problem with the movie. Pretty, but ultimately empty and unmoving. Personally, I didn’t think she was horrible, but I do think she was miscast. So let’s see if we can do any better…

PLEASE NOTE: I will not be recasting Erica Durance because I do not give a shit about Smallville. There, I said it. The Justice League are not hunky douchebags. Superman 90210 can suck my balls.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Here’s a few people who probably could have done better with the part, but for one reason or another, didn’t quite make the Top 3

Grace Park

If they can cast Kingpin as an African American then I have no problem giving the part of Lois to Grace Park, who has tons of Geek Cred, and displayed plenty of sassy attitude during her run on Battlestar Galactica. She can pull off the action sequences and the romance sequences equally well and I think she’s a great choice for a fresh take on the character.

Jennifer Connolly

She might be a little sick of playing the female love interest for insanely strong beings, but she is a damned good actress and let’s face it, still rather breathtaking. She has the right look for either a period piece (see the Rocketeer) or more contemporary version. Some might argue she is a little old for a “reimagining”, but I think with a good Superman in the same age bracket, we’d have something pretty memorable on our hands.

Natalie Portman

Yes, yes, the nerds and their weird, sick Natalie Portman obsession, but dreadful Star Wars work aside, she can act, she’s smart, sexy, and I can completely buy her charging into deep shit to get the story. She might be a little on the petite side, but I think she makes up for it with pure sass. To be honest with you, I don’t think she would have made my list had it not been for the Natalie Raps thing on SNL. “I never said I was a role model.” That sounds like Lois to me.

The “If I Had A Time Machine Award” goes to…

Pheobe Cates circa 1983

Giggidy.

Giggidy.

Goo.

The downside of course is that a Superman of that era would likely be Matthew Broderick, or worse Arnold Schwartzenegger. On the other hand, I’m sure there would be lots of excuses to put Lois in a bikini. You take the good, you take the bad.

THE TOP THREE

#3 Anne Hathaway

Here she is, the only reason you rented Havoc. She’s been nominated for Oscars, showed us her depth (and a couple of other things) in Brokeback Mountain and Rachel Getting Married, and she has performed as Viola in Shakespeare in the Park in NYC. There is no doubt Ms. Hathaway has the chops, but she’s also got the right look, and Bride Wars aside, her career is white hot right now. She adds a touch of class to even the silliest movies she does, and many a drooling nerd would slap down 15 bucks to see her as Lois.

#2 Zooey Deschanell

I want you all to do me a favour. Go to your local bookstore and hunt around in the bargain bin for a copy of the Secret. Then, follow whatever it tells you about focusing your wishing power to make stuff happen. Then close your eyes and wish like a motherfucker for a stylized 1930′s Fleischer-esque Superman movie starring Jon Hamm and Zooey Deschanell, featuring a tricked out steampunk Brainiac as the villain.

WISH HARDER!!!!!

and my Number 1 Choice for a recast of Lois Lane

#1 Olivia Wilde

Is that, or is that not a face that would bring Superman to his knees? She plays a strong professional woman every week on House, and with that dark hair she almost LOOKS like something out of a Bruce Timm cartoon.
She’s like Megan Fox with 75% more brains and 100% less skank. I mean LOOK at her…

To my mind if she is hot enough to marry a Prince, she is certainly hot enough for Superman.

So, who did I miss? Am I way off? Let me know what you think below, and stay tuned next week when we tackle recasting Mary Jane Watson