Well, after a delightful lunch on a patio, The Correctness collectively decided we liked the sound of a Team Smackdown. We tossed some names out, but have yet to make any official brackets, so now is your chance to speak up.

Some things you should know…Heroes can only belong to one team in the tournament, ie: Wolverine can fight for the X-Men or The Avengers, not both. Also the teams will consist of the SPECIFIC heroes we lay out. So when we say “The Avengers” We would say “Consisting of Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Wasp, and Giant Man.” and we decide that Hulk is Fighting for the Defenders, or that we decide Hawkeye is lame and doesn’t make the cut, so be it. Let’s face it, if we let EVERYONE who has ever been an X-Man fight it would be chaos.

Here are some of the names we are kicking around so far, feel free to make your suggestions below.

The Avengers

The X-Men

The Fantastic Four

The Justice League

The Teen Titans

The Watchmen

The Defenders

Alpha Flight (Canadian, eh?)

The League of Extraordinary Gentleman

The Inhumans

The BRPD

The JSA

And don’t worry…Rob has plenty of epic side battles planned (Muppet Babies vs The Scooby Doo gang, anyone?)

So…who did we miss? Speak now or forever hold your insults.

Us: Hey you know what this site needs?

Peanut Gallery: Better writers?

Us: Bite Us!

No no, what this site needs is more impotent nerd rage. No one has insulted Robbierobtown for his non opinions on Green Lantern in so long he’s calling 1-900 numbers and asking THEM to call him an encephalitic cum eating intern.

That is not right people.

That’s why, sometime this week, The Correctness is going to sit down, eat for more food than is healthy for men of our advancing age group and talk about yet another Smackdown. As much as we’d all like to invite you out for said lunch, we know the scheduling would be a nightmare. We can’t even schedule a dinner with someone who won a contest, much less all 12 of you who regularly read the site. So instead, we offer you this spot to make your opinions known, what kind of a Smackdown would you like to see next? Here are a few suggestions that are already on the table.

Movie Action Hero Smackdown (Indy versus James Bond, that kind of thing)

Mega Power Smackdown (Thanos, Galactus, and that large headed crowd)

Loser Smackdown (A best of the worst, who is the least lame of the world’s lamest superheroes)

Ladies on Ladies Smackdown (All female superheroes. This may or may not involve spontaneous lesbianism. But knowing Rob, the chances are pretty good.)

The Same/Same Smackdown (Similar powered heroes from different universes, Green Arrow vs. Hawkeye, Quicksilver Vs. Flash, that kind of thing)

If you have any suggestions, go right ahead and lay em on us. Also, if you could say something nasty to Rob, he’d appreciate it.

It’s that time again, when the Correctness corrects a casting mistake on a comic book heroine because a) we like comic books, and b) we like pretty actresses. We are funny that way. This week we take a look at the assassin who stole, and very nearly stabbed Daredevil’s heart, Elektra.

Who Are We Replacing?

Jennifer Garner

She can do action, and she is certainly easy on the eyes, so why replace her? Well, personally I never thought she was nearly exotic enough to play Elektra. Hers is more of a wholesome Midwestern cuteness, which works for Alias, but not so much for Elektra. I think the part calls for something a little darker, a little more dangerous. So lets take a look at some honorable mentions who are worth a mention, but don’t quite make the cut.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Evangeline Lilly

I was never a big “Lost” guy, so I don’t know how she’d perform in action scenes, but at least we know she can get a little gritty. She’s got the right look though, so I’d be willing to see an audition tape at the very least.

Kristen Kruek

Okay, this one comes with a caveat. Fanboys love her, and she certainly has an exotic flare, but I imagine she would need some fairly serious training to get her to the level of ass kicking that would be required for the part. That said, I think there are plenty of nerds who would throw down good money just to see her in the costume.

Missy Peregrym

Missy is the lead in a show called Rookie Blue, a show I have no intention of watching…at all….ever, but at least we know she can do action. She also had a recurring on Heroes, so she’s got some geek cred behind her. If you were looking for someone who suits the part that isn’t yet a household name, you could do a lot worse than Missy here.

The “If I Had a Time Machine” Award Goes To…

Carole Bouquet

You probably only know her from where I know her, the Bond Girl in “For Your Eyes Only.” Still every time I think of Elektra, I imagine her in the part, she has just the right amount of exotic lethality.

The “If only she could act” award goes to…

Danika Patrick

There is something of the Greg Horn Elektra in her face, I think. According to certain sources she can be a grade A Bitch sometimes (Don’t you kind of have to, to be a woman on the Nascar circuit?) but I think that is actually a point in her favour in this instance. I’m sure she’ll end up acting in something eventually, if she hasn’t already…and she looks the part, but I wouldn’t run out to the track and sign her up just yet.

THE TOP THREE

3. Kelly Hu

Okay, so more Asian than Greek, but she has superhero experience, looks fantastic, and could quite believably kick your ass. Hollywood fudges ethnicity all the time, it’s not really an issue if you are right for the part, which I believe she is.

2. Angelina Jolie

The only reason she didn’t make #1 is because she might be just a smidge too old for the part now…but she has the right look, the action star pedigree, and a believable hint of the tragic in her. Just picture that photo above with the red scarf on top and tell me you wouldn’t mark opening day on your calendar!

and…

1. Rhona Mitra

This is a woman who looks like she would cause you serious, serious harm, and you would probably die with at least half an erection. She has that dangerous beauty, and steely determination that Elektra needs. If I met Rhona Mitra in a dark alley, and she pulled out a pair of sais I would be very nervous. And a little turned on. But then really scared again. Rhona wins based on sheer badassery alone.

So there it is…Who did I miss? By the way if you have any suggestions on which comic book heroine you’d like to see re-cast, let me know!

In the meantime…I’ll be in my bunk.

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: The Final! Doom Vs Magneto. A couple of old European dudes scrapping it out for supremacy of the world.

DAVE: First of all, I want to thank all of our regular readers for their comments and input. As you know, we do this sort of thing for fun, thanks to those of you who play along. This bracket turned out to be much more troubling than the Hero one, more issues with mismatches, etc. But this week, we have a battle worthy of the ages: Doom vs Magneto.

At first glance, this one seems like it might be an easy one for Magneto, what with his ability to create wormholes, and turn giant bullets around from a few galaxies away. (Seriously Marvel? WTF?) I suppose next issue we’ll find out that Magneto is also able to raise the dead, turn himself into Stan Lee, and become an Avenger (everyone else is doing it, why not.) I mean, they let Spider-Man become an Avenger, because that made sense! Sure, the greatest loner in the Marvel Universe, though known for his team-ups with a single other hero, that’s a guy who we need in the Avengers. Oh wait, you know who else would be AWESOME? Wolverine!!!! He’d be a great Avenger. Seriously, folks, this entry is precariously close to becoming a rant on how much utter cack the current Marvel universe has become. Must…back…away…

Ok, so Magneto has the wormhole thing, the turning bullets thing, and what else… Oh, power over magnetism and magnetic fields. How the f&*k has this guy not taken the planet over yet?

And then there’s Doom. He has magic, formidable mental control, and the ability to build anything he needs for a particular fight. Oh, and a time machine. (Wait, what? Yep. Oh, and he was able to rebuild himself at the molecular level… Seriously Marvel? And people make fun of DC? I don’t get it.)

So guy with a time machine vs guy with a wormhole. One guy can rearrange things at a sub-atomic level (Really? Magneto. F*&k you Marvel!), the other can take on the Beyonder (uh huh, we’re that old).

This is less fun by the minute. It went from being a slugfest between repulsors and helmets to being a battle of physics.

So, my gut says, that no matter how wormhole/sub-atomic/personal sheildish Magneto is feeling, Doom is his better intellectually, as well as the fact that Doom is a little crazy, with a whole lot of arrogance. Doom shows up to the fight wearing some non-ferrous armor, combined with a device that renders any manipulation of anything inside of the suit impossible. (He’s Doom, it’s possible). He then summons up a few thousand demons to surround Magneto and they, waiting until he eventually drops his shield, eat his face and devour his soul. Of course, Magneto eventually recovers from this to re-appear, though without any memory of the incident. And the Fantastic Four arrive afterwards to defeat Doom using the power of quick thinking, teamwork, and familial love.

Winner: Dooooooooom

Tony

This is it.

This is going to be epic!!!

This particular smackdown series was guilty of a few mismatches, but THIS one is going to wreck the arena. Possibly the city.

The first issue we need to address is the armour. It’s loaded with a plethora of useful powers and Doom is not going to head into battle without it.

However, if you think for a second that he’s going to show up to this fight WITHOUT taking the proper precautions, be it a ceramic version of the armour, some sort of magical protection or de magnetization process you are just flat out wrong. So let’s stifle that “He just crushes the guy in the metal armour” shit right now

Any oddsmaker is going to give Doom the edge here, because of magic, the great intangible but counting out one of the most powerful and dangerous mutants in the Marvel Universe is a HUGE mistake.

So here is how I see this going down.

Doubtless, this whole thing will start with the two of them spending an inordinate amount of time trying to get the other guy to bow down to them.

“Acknowledge your better! Bow to Homo Superior, or be destroyed”

“Kneel before DOOM and your precious mutant-kind will be spared”

This is likely to go on for a good 20 minutes or so. Both of these guys like to talk, especially about bowing, kneeling and surrendering, subjects which they are both very keen on.

Suddenly, Magneto brings 2 large sections of the stands, people and all, crashing down around Doom. Doom is protected by his force field but people are screaming, and panicking, overwhelming Doom…momentarily. Then he utters an incantation and everyone freezes. One more incantation and the stand’s /mass of humanity gets blasted aside…and Doom is free.

“You’ll have to do better than that, mutant!”

“I shall…”

Magneto rips the very ground from beneath Doom’s feet, But Doom (Via magic or technology, at this point in the mad panic, it’s hard to tell) Doom simply hovers above it.

Beams fire from Doom’s Gauntlets…miraculously penetrating Magneto’s shield. Magneto screams in pain as Doom laughs. He lands a short distance away from the writhing Magneto, gloating and indulging in that arrogance that has so often been his undoing. He forces Magneto to his knees

But then…Magneto starts to laugh…

“And, what, may I ask is so amusing?”

“It…was…a…mistake…”

“Fighting Doom is always a mistake, my friend”

“No…your mistake…letting…me …live…”

“Careful mutant, that is a decision I have not yet made…”

“You did…the…last…time…we…met…”

That’s when Magneto turns a particular shade of vibrant blue, and starts to look significantly hotter.

That’s also when the ENTIRE BROTHERHOOD of mutants comes barreling in.

Magneto has been hiding, using his powers from a distance and making it look like Mystique was doing it. Sure, it’s supposed to be a one on one contest, but who said villains have to play fair? Besides, Magneto is very much of the “By any means necessary” school.

Now Magneto rises up from hiding, floating in the air, his voice booming

“Call me “MUTANT” one more time and it will be the last word you ever say!!!”

Doom touches his wrist.

Thousands of Doombots come flying in. The Mutants attack…the Doombots attack. It’s absolute chaos. The entire city is engulfed in battle. Wormholes, rifts in the time space continuum, portals to other dimensions, demons, aliens, you name it that shit is going down.

The mutants are starting to get the edge on the Doombots…Doom knows he needs to finish this…but that’s when Magneto pulls out his secret weapon. Miles away, Charles Xavier…decides to intervene on behalf of his old friend, not wishing to see him come to any kind of permanent harm. He is Magnetos insurance policy…his ace in the hole.
Xavier sends a crippling blast directly into Doom’s brain.

Too bad Doom modified his armor to repel such attacks the same way Magneto’s helmet does.

Magneto gets banished to a parallel dimension, and sealed in good and tight.

The winner: DOOM!!

(PS yes, this whole scenario kind of depends on Mystique being allowed to live…but I’m sure Magneto could find other ways to do the old bait and switch if he had to)

Rob:

This is going to be one hell of a fight. We have two greats of the Marvel Universe: Doctor Doom and Magneto. Both were created by Lee and Kirby, and both have survived beyond Stan Lee’s implausible dialogue. I think it was an aesthetic thing, like the Gilmore Girls… I think…

Our first finalist is Magneto, who is the mightiest mutant. He can magnetically control thing that aren’t even metal. In Fact, in X-Men 1, he uses dust particles in the air to spell out a message for the X-Men to read. Dust is largely non-ferromagnetic, and this clearly demonstrates that Magneto has the power to control all matter, except when inconvenient to the narrative.

The real terror of Magneto comes not from his primary x-tra power. No, it comes from two sources, please note the images below:

Magneto has the power of immense crotch to back him up. Just look at all that crotch! Miles and miles of beachfront crotch.  Just imagine the X-men trying to storm that crotch! Just imagine Storm trying to storm that crotch. Now imagine Storm trying to storm Jean Grey’s crotch. Now, back to the regularly scheduled crotch. Unparalleled vistas of purple crotch! Doom has no such pants-majesty, but all must kneel before the pants-majesty of Magneto!  An immense frosty tundra of waist girth! A cosmic expanse of trouser fabric!

In addition, Magneto has the ability to hide himself behind his own dialogue bubbles. This would make him nearly impossible to hit with an attack. How do you aim your attack through a gigantic white shield of dialogue? Answer: You can’t, and even if you could, Magneto is still demonstrating his immense pelvic fortitude.

Our other finalist is Doctor Doom. Doom has been tested again and again by a team of superheroes comprised of a Bic lighter, a pet rock, a rubber band, and yet another transparent woman. Three out of four of Doom’s nemeses can be found in my top desk drawer, and the fourth I keep in an elastic band ball on top of my desk.

Reed Richards (ball of twine) and Victor Von Doom (of the Latvarian Dooms) were college roomies. But one night, an explosion came from Doom’s dormitory. If you haven’t tuned into PBS’s “Dooms Dormitory” on Saturday mornings, it is presented commercial free, with occasional seasonal pledge drives. $50 gets you a mug, and $100 gets you a mug and THE INEVITABILITY OF YOUR HIDEOUS DEATH! If you loved Blue’s Clues, you’ll love Doom’s Dormitory! Here’s an excerpt:

THEME:

Doctor Doom, Doctor Doom,

Tremble at the name of Doctor Doom.

He’s hidden a robot in your room,

That wacky, no good, Doctor Dooooom!

Doom: [to camera] Good! Good! You are all here in my mighty stronghold. Do not attempt to change the channel, or I shall push this button, unleashing Cuddles, my pet Tiger!

Cuddles: Meow meow moew meow, Doctor Doom!

Reed Richards: Who drank all the milk?

Doom: It was I, Richards! Without milk you will be unable to defeat even the weakest of heroes, Captain Crunch!

Richards: And who filled up the TiVo with basesballs games?

Doom: You know what a fan I am of the Seattle Sub-Mariners! And I hypnotized the entire girl’s dorm to make them think you are gay!

Richards: [shaking his fist] Dooooooom!

Doom: Indeed! [to camera again] Now, my robot servant at your local PBS affiliate will read you a list of items up for charitable auction! I command you to bring your parents into the room because even now I am sucking the oxygen out of the rest of the house!

Cuddles: Meow meow meow meow, Reading Rainbow, meow.

Doom: AS WAS FORETOLD BY THE PROPHECY!

[Doom departs in a helicopter shaped like a shark]

Honestly, it’s one hell of a show. Tune in.

When it comes down to the battle, we are left with this conundrum: Is it useful this issue to have Magneto be able to control all matter in the known universe, or only ferromagnetic materials?  As well, is Doom’s magic, and control of incomprehensible arcane forces enough to make Magneto feel all creeped out?

Doom steps into his time machine to kill Magneto at birth. Magneto, sensing this possibility, creates a gravity well through which he may also travel back in time. In Hill Valley during 1956, Magneto crushes Doom inside of his DeLorean. But was it Doom? No! It was a robot! Doom is safely in the future, years after Magneto’s death,  but Magneto travels there to find him! In the future, Doom has created an army of Mystique clones based on his one time meeting with her in the semi finals, and now everybody is either a Doom robot, or a Doom mystique clone. Magneto, who is no dummy, has redirected a space bullet that was fired in our time from it’s course across the universe, and timed it perfectly so it would arrive in the future.

Doom, prepared for the ol’ redirected space bullet ploy, opens up an interdimensional gate, releasing one of the terrifying Elder Gods onto Magneto.  But Magneto suspected such a thing might happen, and he brought a can opener, and some twizzlers!

On and on this battle rages, with two mighty foes smashing almost injuring each other, only to have the other one be prepared for it! How can such a battle be decided? Coin flip!

Heads, Doom. Crotch, Magneto:

It is Crotch.

Winner: Magneto!

Also Winner in an alternate timeline: Doom!

Winner for our purposes based on a Canadian $1 coin: Magneto!

So there it is gang…Doom takes the whole shebang 2-1. Thanks so much for joining us…and while your at explaining to us in great detail why we are wrong…why not take a moment to suggest a smackdown you’d like to see. Mega Power smackdown, with Galactus and the Beyonder? Movie Hero Smackdown, Indy vs. James Bond? Or more Superheroes and villains to cover the ones we have missed? We’d love to hear your suggestions.

Thanks again to the folks at Fark, and to you dear reader, who keep coming back despite disagreeing with us so vehemently.

Hey, while you are here, do us a favor and take a look around, would ya? We’re more than just dreadfully uninformed comic book pundits you know.

Smackdown: AWESOME UNDERCARD 2: Aquaman vs. Robin vs. Goats on Bicycles

Since our much criticized elimination of Robin and Aquaman from our Superhero Smackdown, our fans (okay, one fan) have been calling out in eerie unison: “Bring back Aquaman and Robin!”. You have climbed the steps of Mt. Seleyah, you have smelled the smell of salmon on your hands, you have been, and ever shall be their friend. Well, your prayers have been answered, because as the still unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I alone have the time available to pander to our superfans* (*fan).  I have been a little busy fellating donkeys to think the really deep thoughts, but we’re not here to talk about what I did to which species, or who saw what and told which ladies, sealing my celibate fate.

Let’s get down to brass tacks, as they say in the fabric measurement industry. Today’s battle is between Robin the Boy Wonder (who for our purposes, I guess is Dick Grayson), Aquaman (who for our purposes is Ariel), and Goats on Bicycles (X-Men vol 1, issue133 : Hideous Goats on Bikes: Dark Phoenix Saga).

First up is Robin, the “Boy Wonder” or, alternately, the boy “Wonder”. Dick Grayson is the son of some circus acrobats. After the murder of his parents, Grayson was raised in a cave by a wealthy weirdo in hosiery, and there is little canonical evidence to suggest that Robin had developed any strange fetishes because of it. Mind you, I’d turn out all kinds of straight if Black Canary showed up in my neighbourhood when I was a kid- or Vicki Vale…

Next up is Aquaman. The Aquaman was the 16 year old daughter of King Triton. She was obsessed with the human world above the sea, and the stories of her journeys from town to town were featured in a weekly Canadian drama series called “The Littlest Mermaid Hobo”. In fan favourite episode “A Mock Fish Time”, Mermaid Hobo helps a reporter (played by Efrem Zimbalist Jr) track down a sasquatch-like creature. Memorable stuff.

Both Aquaman and Robin were part of a highly influential team of superheroes known as The West Coast Avengers. Along with drummer Dave Grohl, the West Coast Avengers played 45 sold out shows on their “Fortress of Solid-tude” tour in the summer of ‘97.

Facing off against the penultimate dynamic duo is the terror of Goats on Bicycles. They are Goats on Bicycles. Mother fucking goats on bicycles. They are regular goats, on bicycles, but they are fucking the fuck on fucking bicycles. Who taught those goats how to ride bicycles? Why do they keep riding past your house? Circling, and circling, around the block, again and again and again, bleating their preternatural bleats, chewing on tin cans and shoes, menacing and drooling as they pedal. The whoosh of the streamers on their handlebars, the clinkity clink of those things that go on their spokes.  What about the pants-filling image of dozens upon dozens of cloven hooves striking dozens upon dozens of platform pedals, the squeaking chains, the banana seats- WHY ARE THEY ON BIKES? THEY DON’T BELONG ON BIKES! DEMONIC GOATS ON FUCKING BICYCLES!! Good Lord, some of them are wearing helmets, and their leader has a bandanna tied around his left front leg, and his denim jacket has the sleeves cut off. What’s that patch on the back of his jacket say? Jesus, it says “Satyr-day Night Fever”. Mother the fuck fucking goat fucking goat assed goats on fucking the fucking bi-fucking-cy-the-fuck-cles! GOATS ON BIKES!!!!

There is no way this fight can go well. Robin has been known to kick some ass, and he may or not be Batman right now in the DC universe. One thing is certain; Dick Grayson has never, ever faced an enemy like goats on bikes. What the hell is wrong with them? They are on fucking bikes! BIKES! Robin and Aquaman would definitely have to team up to defeat a foe of this magnitude!

Aquaman and Robin have worked together before on “The Case of the Missing Chums”, and subsequently in “The Keep on the Borderlands”, so they have an excellent team dynamic. Likely, when faced by the arrival of the Goats on Bicycles, Aquaman would summon either Nemo, or that super mean fish from Sea World. Meanwhile, Robin would practice his crane kick and prepare himself like he would if he was facing the Cobra-Kai dojo en masse.  At this point in the paragraph, I would like to reference three more things from my childhood, for no apparent reason and without emphasis on their importance: Sectaurs, Tahiti Treat, Super Grover.  I was an adult by the time Finding Nemo was released, but killer whales have been killing people since I was young.

The Goats on Bicycles are not stupid. They know that Aquaman is better near water, and they also know other comedians and television programs have mocked her uselessness away from the water.  Consequently, this battle will end up taking place in the Mid-Atlantic, where Robin would be having a hard time swimming. Sure, Aquaman is in her element, and she can call on her racial-stereotype singing crab friend to assist in the battle, but poor Robin would be wishing he had borrowed the Bat-wet-suit, or an assload of Bat-shams.

“Holy Goats on Bikes!” Robin would say.

“Blub blub blub!” Aquaman would say.

I honestly couldn’t imagine this going well for the Dynamic Duet. Once the goats on bikes have had time to prepare you know they would show up on fucking seadoos. GOATS ON JETSKIS! Mother the fuck fucking goat the fuck S on jet the fucking fuck ski the fuck S!

My God, Imagine them, pedaling around on their barge, while the ones on jetskis speed through the choppy surf like some nightmarish deleted scene from The Road Warrior, or an even more nightmarishly undeleted scene from Waterworld. Goats upon horrible goats, bleating and bleating and bleating!

Winner: Goats on Bikes

Loser: Humanity

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: The second Semi-Final: Doom vs Mystique. Steel vs Blue thing.

TONY

Let’s play a game.

This game is called “How long can Mystique stay alive before Doom completely and utterly destroys her?”

I suppose she could hide in the audience and he’d have to play Where’s Waldo for awhile, but something tells me he’d just sit cross legged, mutter a few incantations and the next thing you know she’d be all highlighted like an item you need to pick up in a video game. And then he would completely and utterly destroy her. And even if he didn’t do that, he’d just eliminate the crowd from the equation…and completely and utterly destroy them all.

She could show up as Squirrel Girl and fill him with terror…

but when the Squirrels didn’t actually show up…he would completely and utterly destroy her.

Assassin tricks? Poison his ridiculously over sized golden goblet? He didn’t get to be the Ruler of Latveria by being an idiot, he’s not just going to drink things willy nilly plus he probably has tasters. And, being all unpoisoned…he would completely and utterly destroy her.

Having said that…I think Mystique will still be alive at the end of this.

Doom knows the value of somebody with her talents. He knows who he is up against next round, and he knows the history. I think he would offer her a chance to surrender, provided she did him a few small favours, ie: Tell everything she knows about Magneto. Be his person on the inside. He would probably even offer her some side work…

I think Raven has Daddy issues and might even be swayed by a powerful older man with European charm…it has happened before…but would she betray Magneto?

Perhaps not…but I believe she would at least play it cool and agree to the terms until she could think of something better.

So here’s how I see it going down…Doom and Mystique come to terms before the fight, perhaps when he catches her trying to assassinate him beforehand. The day of the fight, they put on a show, (But not too much of one, everyone knows she is overmatched here) and he appears to completely disintegrate her. What he has really done is transported her to and undisclosed location.

And now…she has some thinking to do.

But both officially, and in a larger sense, the winner here is

DOOM

DAVE:

So, I know what you’re thinking: How could this mismatch possibly happen? And I have an answer: It just did. Real life brackets have mismatches too, so enough with the whining and moaning about how it’s fixed, or that we planned for a specific outcome. We didn’t. That would be boring. Blame the comic book writers for having wild varying levels between their villains, I guess. The whole exercise is to have fun and make assumption as to what would happen in these imaginary battles.

On to the match.

Mystique is a cunning strategist who generally uses surprise and her shape-shifting abilities to make events go the way she needs them to. She’s held her own for decades, and always manages to come out on top, or at least get away in the nick of time. She’s been the leader of a number of teams, and those teams have beaten the X-Men, which is not an easy task, as there’s like 87 of them at any given moment, 6 of whom are Wolverine. She was also played by Rebecca Romijn, which is awesome. She has a scaly blue rack, which is less awesome, unless you’re into that, or maybe you have an Avatar fetish or something.

Doctor Doom is a friggin genius, almost rivaling Reed Richards. He built a time machine. He’s the leader of a nation, has a army of lifelike robots that he built himself, and oh, he built a TIME MACHINE. He could use this time machine to ensure a win, but he wouldn’t need to, nor stoop to that. Because he could beat Mystique without anywhere near that much effort. This is a man who fought his way through time and space, can change bodies with people through eye contact, and has a healing factor. Wait, no, he doesn’t have a healing factor. He’s, in fact, only one of 4 people in the Marvel universe that doesn’t have a healing factor.

Doom is used to taking on the entire Fantastic Four, all of whom have epic powers, except Reed Richards, who isn’t that cool, but he’s really smart, so there’s that. But if he can take on a guy who can burn as hot as the sun, a giant rock monster who can lift trucks for fun, and a successful modern woman who can turn invisible and make air bubbles around your head, and shields and such, as well as stretchy guy, AT THE SAME TIME, what makes anyone think he’d have the slightest amount of trouble with face-changy lady.

There’s only one person Mystique could become that would even momentarily distract him: His mother. Doing this would only enrage Doom further, ensuring that rather than just killing her, he’d remove any molecular trace of her from existence. Over in one.

Winner: Doom

Rob:

Unlike our villains today, I was created long after the Silver Age of comics sometime in the late seventies. This is known to comic book aficionados as “The Brown Age” of comics, due partially to the tint the paper of the books took on after sitting in a tree fort for years, but primarily due to the quality of the writing.

Because of my extensive experience reading weathered, dog-eared and tragic copies of Conan and, to a much lesser extent, Kull, I may have a key insight into which of these two villains, Mystique or Dr. Doom, shall win this fight today. The fight will be determined by one of the fundamental laws of science fiction narrative. Allow me to continue this line of thinking, no I insist, please, after you:

Along with all the warrior nonsense like Conan, and books like the EC comics (God, how I miss EC), I sometimes wish I had been reading Heavy Metal during the halcyon days of my youth, not as much for the boobies as for the awesome pulp-fantasy aesthetic. This aesthetic, both narrative and visual, still utterly defines my sense of what “awesome” is.- Oh, and by “halcyon days” I mean medically tranquilized, but that is a story for another time, and those records are from when I was a minor.

Regardless of my drooling, reading fantasy comic books was secondary to my efforts to read every science fiction and fantasy novel ever published. I can assure you, I read some pulp shit that would make your eyes bleed, it was so goddamn pulpy. The pulp was so pulpy it was actually abrasive and could dissolve your flesh.  I swear to you, I can still smell a terrible novel (remember that smell?). It didn’t matter to me how good the story was, it only mattered to me that somehow, in my young brain, I began to associate certain concepts directly with the concepts of “funny” and “awesome”. Pulpy concepts about lasers, magic, and the occult…

A Brief Departure:

Requiem for Fur-Bikini-Clad Warrior Lady: A Haiku

Dinosaur riding,

you have lasers and a sword.

Will you marry me?

The books, and comics,  influenced by Robert E Howard and the other pulp masters were all subject to the same basic rule- a rule invented by a man who I was as yet to discover in my childhood. All of this terrifying junk I was reading (and by “terrifying” I am referring again to the aesthetic, both visually and textually) was so hilar-awesome it eventually led me to the darkest, scariest, pulpiest corner of literature: HP Lovecraft.

Lovecraft is an appalling author. Just the goddamn worst. Reading Lovecraft is like wading through a murky bog, discovering the tomb of Edgar Allan Poe, getting inside, and dry humping his fetid corpse.  I love/hate Lovecraft so much that I need counseling just to comprehend the conceptual contradictions inherent to my feelings about his writing. He is the mighty nexus of funny and awesome, lacking only the presence of scantily-clad female characters in his greatest works. What is essential here is that Lovecraft taught me something of vital importance to our fight today:

People who tangle with the occult either become frighteningly powerful, or go completely mad.

Lovecraft doesn’t just mean “booga booga” crazy, he means existential crisis, feces throwing, gouge-out-you-own-eyes crazy. The things that have been seen by the hapless protagonists of Lovecraft’s longwinded shitscapades are so mind-bogglingly nightmarish, so demoralizing, so utterly incomprehensible by the feeble human brain, that they cannot be unseen for all eternity.  Once you have laid eyes on the decadent ruins of the cities of the Great Old Ones, ones you have smelled the salt air and decay, once you have summoned the Cthulhu from their slumbers in R’Lyeh, you are hooped nine ways from Friday, mind-wise.  This is the Law of Lovecraft: Some sights and sounds can shatter your reality in an instant, and obliterate your precious sanity forever.  The Law of Lovecraft is a vast, incomprehensible, interdimensional umbrella that covers all science fiction, fantasy, and occult narrative, like some kind of vast, incomprehensible, interdimensional umbrella. Batman created the “Batman of Zur-Enh-Arrh” alternate personality specifically to deal with sanity damaging experiences like those governed by Lovecraft’s Law.

Mystique simply does not have a chance, because Doom has meddled with things beyond our world and beyond her conception. The revelation through a cracked mirror of just one glimpse of the occult universe that Doom has seen would make the shapeshifing Mystique seek refuge the form of something innocent and harmless forever.  Doom has seen these horrors, he does not fear them; He is a sorcerer and alchemist of the great weird beyond. Stan Lee said so.

Doom would step into the arena, and show Mystique a glimpse of an existence beyond her meta-human comprehension. Mystique, guised in the only form she could think of that would guard her ravaged psyche from complete annihilation, would become Hello Kitty.  The last sight she would see, as she sobbed giant, anime tears into an ever growing lake of her own destruction, is the masked face of Doom and his gloved hand pointing at her as the sound of his hideous laughter echoes into eternity.

Winner: Doom

Loser: Hello Kitty

Biggest Loser: Me for reading all that Piers Anthony

Decision: Doom

So Doom moves on to the final to face Magneto in a smackdown for mastery of the Supervillain Title!
Tune in Next Week! Tell us we’re wrong and unfunny below!

(Note: This is a repost of the original article).

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: The First Quarter Final: Joker vs Magneto for a spot in the finals.

Tony

JOKER: Your powers are very impressive. You put the “Neato” in Magneto. Do you have to really concentrate to do all that stuff? You must have picked that up from concentration camp when you were a kid! HA HA HA HA ! Oh it was a long way to get there but totally worth it! HA HA HA HA!!!

There are two types of “Overpowering” in the comic book universe. One way of doing it is to infinitely expand existing powers to the point of ridiculousness. The other is to take someone with NO discernable powers and to amp up their ingenuity to the point where if you try hard enough, you can justify anything for them, even beating the guy with the amped up powers.

And the patron Saints of both schools of thought are battling it out this week. Joker vs. Magneto. On paper it’s a no brainer, Magneto has Godlike powers, the Joker has a sick sense of humor and pithy one liners. But that pesky power of Dues ex rears its ugly head and suddenly it’s not so easy.

So let’s try and postulate ways in which the Joker MIGHT squeak out a victory and go from there.

He could kidnap and utilize Leech, thus rendering Magneto powerless. A shot of Joker venom and Magneto smiles for the first and last time in his life. But my familiarity with Leech is limited to X-men 3 and something tells me that Magneto has already dealt with that problem at least once, and knows how to get around it.

He could with his connections and brilliance tamper with Magneto’s helmet. Maybe a small needle tucked inside delivering venom right into Magneto’s neck. But I somehow doubt Magneto just leaves the thing lying around. Still, let’s call that a maybe.

Joker’s goons have clay guns and bullets and take shots at him from the stands. But even though he can’t control the bullets I believe he can still repel them with his force field.

The more I think about this, the more I think there’s just no way the Joker can get him. So I am giving this to Magneto…with the caveat that the Joker pulls out his greatest trick and escapes alive and pissed off, and Magneto better watch his back.

Winner: Magneto

Dave:

The hardest part of the Supervillain Smackdown thus far is fact that there are not enough interesting villains at the same power available. Often there are are questions like “Why No Galactus?” (Answer: DUH!). There are, of course, different levels of power, and you can’t put Darkseid up against Catwoman. To make separate brackets creates a time issue, as having 3 brackets with say 8 villains would consume most of the year. (Not to say we won’t do another power level bracket in the future). So we brainstormed, argued about which villains would fit within the parameters. We did NOT, as the pundits would tell you, set up a specific showdown, or “write” the final. We don’t work that way. As there are three of us each weigh in without discussion, it simply doesn’t happen. And it would be boring as hell. Why the hell would we want to do that? Where’s the fun in that?

The best part is the discussion that the smackdowns create. Whether it’s here or on other forums around the web, the joy is in considering the possibilities, finding loopholes, and arguing your point. That’s the main reason that we post pretty much every comment we get, regardless of whether it agrees with us or not. (We filter out the spam, the obvious threadjack/ linkjack attempts, and comments that don’t actually say ANYTHING.)

My problem with this week’s smackdown is that we keep running up against the rampant overpower issue. It’s ironic, as most fanboys assume that DC is the overpowered universe, that their characters are all Gods, etc. But when you look at the Marvel side of things, it’s really just as bad. And the longer characters are around, the worse it gets. Marvel made a big mistake a while back in giving everyone (Wolverine aside) a healing factor. Seriously, nearly everyone has one. It’s their way of saying “this is how people can take the punishment they’re given and come back for more.” But for me, that’s too much overexplaining. They’re heroes and villains. They’re mightier than us. ‘Nuff said.

But the result is you get a character like Magneto, who originally was simply able to use magnetism to his advantage, and you build that into a guy who can mess up everything in the universe, pull a giant space bullet off course, and create wormholes.

Joker, on the other hand, is still pretty much an average guy who excels in creating disorder and chaos. To be fair, whatever hoops we jump through to create a scenario in which Joker gains the upper hand are false at best. Because the image in my mind is Magneto getting tired of the fight, thinking hard and taking apart the entire stadium in seconds, and inserting pieces of it in Joker’s brain, all while raising himself into the air. Joker doesn’t have the knowledge of Magneto’s family to use against him, (arguable whether that would even work), Magneto wouldn’t be impressed by anything the Joker’s done, or could do in terms of evil (wouldn’t be shocked if Joker killed everyone at the contest), and considers Joker to be a lesser life form, as he’s not a mutant. So most of Joker’s planning/tactics would be ineffective.

Also, Joker is probably bored by this time, and wishing he could get back to what he does best, messing with Batman’s head. Joker isn’t in it for the money, the glory, or the power. He’s just a hyper-intelligent crazy dude who is obsessed with Batman.

So, any way we slice this one,

Winner: Magneto

Rob:

Errrrrrrmmmmm, so, we’ve been living with the regret of underestimating Batman and his cleverness during the Superhero Smackdown. And logically, we felt, we’ve been treating The Joker as the Batman of Villains. Meanwhile, Magneto is pretty kickass, and has a cool hat, that’s tough to argue.

Maybe the argument we haven’t explored is that these villains are flawed. They are flawed so that no matter how well matched they are against our heroes, our heroes are just a notch better.

So: who is more flawed, The Joker, or Magneto?

Well, The Joker is batshit crazy, no pun intended. I have had the unique fortune of seeing a few real life psychotic episodes, and most really genuinely crazy folk are actually not the best planners. I know, I know, The Joker is special. He’s clinical! A serial killer! A sociopath(technically, unless you think his crazy is more genetic and less environmental- my research suggests a lot of it was environmental…) ! Look, crazy people don’t plan well, and they quite often have entirely revisionist understandings of how they ended up in their current situations, weaving contrary, illogical and likely primarily false narratives about their role in their own lives. Real crazy, “Joker crazy”, is only functional, clever and brilliant for a small percentage of the time, and the rest of the time, it’s telling you why it’s your fault they are up a tree on a wednesday night at 2am when you have to work the next morning, and they just keep screaming and kicking you, and kicking you, and kicking you.

Magneto, on the other hand, is less like crazy, and more like a patriot. A mutant nationalist, or, a religious leader. He simply believes with a stern faith that he is correct. Does that make him crazy? Well, you could argue that. I mean, faith can lead people to do crazy things, like rape 200 deaf boys and be protected by the future pope because it might look bad if people talked about it, but I digress.

Magneto is less likely to make a mistake in the heat of the moment than the Joker is- Both of these villains can scheme away for eternity, but The Joker is unstable enough to lose out eventually. Batman just locked up the Joker when the Joker had cracked for the umpteenth time, but Magneto could and would crush Arkham in around the Joker. Plus, Magneto has a cool hat. Cool hat!

Winner: Magneto

Runner up: Cool Hats!

Decision: Magneto

So Magneto moves on the final, to face either Mystique or Doctor Doom, who square off next week. Weigh in below, True Believers.

(the following comments were posted on the original article)

—————————————————————–

n8 said on 09-04-2010
n8

As much as I love Mr. J, there’s just no other way this could’ve come out. I think Dave pretty well nailed it: the Joker is a good foil for Batman because Mr. J specializes in playing on Batman’s particular weaknesses: Batman is a defender and has a very strict code that he follows. Joker pits the one against the other and gets his kicks from Batman’s cognitive dissonance.
Magneto simply doesn’t suffer from those weaknesses… overpoweredness aside, he’s very straightforward about what he wants and what he’s willing to do to see that it happens. He’s willing to inflict collateral damage and burn assets as needed. He basically has nothing for the Joker to work with.
The ensuing magnetically-inflicted death is secondary… Joker’s defeat is mainly a matter of being too specialized to deal with anyone other than a white knight (or a Dark one.)
Reply

Ace amongst Aces said on 09-04-2010
Ace amongst Aces

Magneto walks into the arena to see the Joker across the field holding a metal sphere with a giant “!” painted on it. Magneto perceiving an obvious threat and confident of his eventual victory decides to crush the sphere and then give the Joker his “What now, biatch?” glance that he practiced the night before.

The sphere is a sub-critical mass of a fissionable material.

Many miles away the Joker lounges on a chair, umbrella drink in hand wearing SPF Infinity and thick darkened goggles. When he finally sees the flash and feels the shock-wave, he quietly muses to himself.

“Finally a battle that is assured to have glowing reviews.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

spcMike said on 09-04-2010
spcMike

I just tried searching Wikipedia for “Marvel characters with a healing factor” and my computer exploded. And really, it is ridiculous, although to be fair the Joker was shot in the head and seems to be doing just fine.

I tried really hard to think of some way for Joker to beat Magneto and about the only way I could think of would be if Joker could trick Mr. Mxyzptlk’s powers again and then turning Magneto into just a giant magnet then the Joker keeps throwing his razor sharp cards at Magneto.

I’m sure you guys would’ve thought about this as well if you weren’t too busy violating your mothers in ways only Newfoundland sheep could understand.

Joker said on 09-04-2010
Joker

While i dont find this to be exactly wrong, there is one thing you didnt consider, the Joker beat superman in one of the comics by Jim Lee, he had prep time and made something that superman could not escape fast enough to catch him, thus he was able to overcome a vast power difference.

With no prep time, its a hands down Mag’s, but given some time, even 1 day, it isnt so clear cut, and i think the Joker would win, if nothing else, Mag’s is predictable, Joker isnt, well that and of the two of them, joker is the one that wouldnt have any issues with setting off 1000 nukes 1/4 mile away, even if it also killed him.

Tomass said on 10-04-2010
Tomass

It’s been proven that Magneto can survive a nuke.
Reply

Tomass said on 09-04-2010
Tomass

Ya even Aquaman & Robin would have a hard time vs. Magneto. I mean they’d win of course, but it would be touch and go for a little while.

You know the Joker could have won this, if he used the strategy that Aquaman & Robin would have used… he could have slipped Ipecac or a high power laxative into Magneto’s pre-fight sip of water (or power/gator aid). Because I mean come on, all good athletes know that you need to stay hydrated, and of course Magneto would have had a quick sip before the show.

You can’t fight when all you can do is poop (or barf).

Or alternately Joker could have laced his food with codeine for the 2 days prior and then it becomes “you can’t fight if you can’t poop.”

Really in hind sight, for the most part, you fine correctness gents are just not thinking like SUPER Villains. Hells you’re not even really thinking like regular villains. Fuck lets just say it! You’re not even thinking the modicum of evil, like Snidely Whiplash kind of evil. I mean tie some one to a train track (for no reason) at least.

Where are the death rays? Where are the eviscerations? Where is the over abundance of evil laughter (Joker excluded)? Where are the grand evil master plan reveals, only to be overturned by the opponents grander eviler master plan reveals? These are bad people. And they know they’re not just toying with there normal “do gooders”. This is life and death against assholes who are just as horribly fucked-up as they are.

True Magneto is pretty straight laced and would be all about just building a super canon and killing all of his opponents in one shot (thus some how ensuring Mutant supremacy over all the earth). And less about making a giant mutant octopus-cat that would savagely rape his opponents to death. But the point is he’s a super villain and all comic book “Evil” or “Super Villains” share a common thread… Grandiose, mundane or even totally nonsensical goals thru only the most violent, extreme, and/or convoluted means possible.

Take the Joker Type for example. They don’t just rob a bank by going in killing all the employees and taking the money (just to be rich). No! They hire a pile of expendable goons, rent or steal a bus, slowly kill off there own goons, take the money out of the bank by bus (backed trough the front door), and out into a perfectly timed mass field trip line of busses (that possibly they organized). Why not just kill the people in the bank and walk out rich… Because it’s not Super Villain evil!

Or Ozymandias, did he really, really need to build a massive Egyptian style complex complete with a genetically engineered cat on the edge of a glacier and wipe out a big chunk of New York in order to stop Mutually Assured Destruction? I would argue no, but that is why I’m not a super villain.

Or did Marvel / 20th Century Fox really need to totally rewrite the Wolverine origin story? Did they need to totally fuck up Dead Pool? Was there not enough source material to make a good movie? Of course there was! But when you’re a super villain you don’t just make a good movie and profit. You make a seething pile of shit! You waste countless man hours, producing it, having actors learn your pages & pages of trite dialogue and market and hype it. All for the ultimate waste, have people pay you mass amounts of money to waste their time watching it… then you profit. That’s evil!

I could go on but I have to go feed my monkey now.

spcMike said on 09-04-2010
spcMike

Bra-fucking-vo.

RobbieRobTown said on 09-04-2010
RobbieRobTown

Sorry, I was just talking to my mother, could you guys repeat that?

Tomass said on 10-04-2010
Tomass

Monkeys or Pygmy Marmosets?

Chico said on 09-04-2010
Chico

Yes, it’s absurd. Likewise absurd to somehow twist it around into making some cheap shot joke about “religious” people which always somehow means Christians, and in this case Catholics. The children that were abused are not some cheap punchline just so you can show how “enlightened” you are and not akin to crazy people who are…people of faith.

It’s a tragedy and they should be rooted out, just like the institutional child rape in Muslim countries and genital mutilation of little girls should be rooted out — but when talking about “religion,” somehow it’s only ever one religion you’re talking about. (Scientology would also fit the bill.)

And before people get upset that I’d bring it up, if you post that kind of thing in a story on COMICS, you’re going to get responses like this — and few as well reasoned.

In any case, the Joker would be turned inside out by Magneto. It’s Bambi vs. Godzilla.

The Senator said on 09-04-2010
The Senator

I dunno about this one. The Joker employs plenty of weaponized gases in his arsenal, and he’s good with improvized weapons (like for instance 2×4s or shards of glass). Further, Magneto’s main foils are the x-men, who (at least not until VERY recently) are pretty much boy scouts. In a Joker / Magneto fight, I would see Joker getting ahold of some vial of the Legacy virus before the match or something, ticking Magneto off with a war of words and enraging him to the point of lashing out with a girder or something, and when Joker is all banged up on the ground, Magneto walks up to deliver the finishing blow and stops to say something grandiose about how much superior mutants are when out of nowhere Joker squirts him with his laughing gas/legacy virus combo and stabs him with repeatedly with a shard of glass. I would give it to Joker. Magneto is too BORING to win…

Random Guy said on 09-04-2010
Random Guy

People come up with all these ways that Joker could possibly beat Magneto. But sadly they don’t seem to realize there is simply no way for him to do it.

If Joker doesn’t show up IN the stadium then he forfeits.

If he does show up then this is how it goes… Match starts, Magneto, expecting deception, destroys EVERYTHING in the stadium but himself, which takes about 1 second. He wins.

There is no screwing with his head, no putting in a fake. NOTHING. Magneto is simply so overpowered in this situation that if he wants to win he does so, virtually instantly.

John Stephens said on 09-04-2010
John Stephens

I’ll take the Joker’s side since no one else wants to. What the Joker does best is really mess with people’s heads. What would REALLY get under Magneto’s skin? Well, he considers himself a defender of mutants, so being manipulated into harming one of his own kind would do it.

So here’s what happens. During the prep time, the Joker kidnaps and drugs/hypnotizes some mutant into believing that he is in fact the Joker. On fight day, Mr. J slips the ringer into the locker room in his place, and sneaks off to watch the fun from a safe distance. Magneto whacks the fake Joker, realizes too late he’s been had, and we get a classic full page “NOOOOOO!”

It’s all about how you DEFINE victory!

chuckus said on 10-04-2010
chuckus

Joker can’t win. The best he can do is a stalemate. his goal is to mess with the opponents head not kill them.

He’d probably manufacture a chemical and bio agent that will instantly kill a mutant but not a “regular” human. Through diabolical joker scheming infect every mutant EXCEPT for magneto. The trigger is Joker being killed.

In a witty showdown after getting his ass beat, inform magneto of his choice. Win and be responsible for the mutant holocaust or sacrifice himself for the good of all mutant kind.

Cut to close up of joker laughing and display “to be continued”.

the7dead said on 10-04-2010
the7dead

Wow, that’s the best scenario about the joker winning I’ve read about so far. You nailed it. Jeesus you must be a comic book writer!

Absolute Dave said on 10-04-2010
Absolute Dave

Prep time is all the joker needs, hes absolutly mad but brilliant about it so he has somehow killed a scientist that invented a device the size of a PDA with a little antena with a ball on the end and a couple rings in the middle that repulses anything that could be magneticly affected away from his person and as we are playing by comic book rules it works perfectly and has no set limitation.

Magneto however can control anything that could be magneticly charged and there is nowhere on earth without good ol’ iron so he could do make the particles of iron beneath jokers feet shoot through him like a trillion bullets or rip the iron right out of jokers blood stream or turn the stadium into a giant anvil to drop on jokers head.

Anything magento tries to do to joker or throws at joker simply doesnt work with jokers fancy pants repulsion palm pilot so Mags encases joker in an iron sphere the size of Manhatten and tosses it into space into a worm hole hes created to some incredibly distant galaxy or other dimension and noone gets to hear joker laugh away his last gasped breaths.

Magneto could never have lost.

Prodigal Sorceror said on 10-04-2010
Prodigal Sorceror

Of course Magneto wins, but there’s no way he’d walk away clean. A major factor you’ve overlooked is that in his mania the Joker doesn’t fear death, but lives to torture, not just kill his opponents. While Magneto’s power and intelligence, and increasingly insane arsenal of resources give him an insurmountable advantage over the Joker, I’m sure the laughing schemer would somehow arrange the death of Magneto’s son, Quicksilver, and the torture and gross disfigurement of his daughter Scarlet Witch a la Lavinia in Shakespeare’s bloodiest, Titus Andronicus. Five to one the atrocities committed against Magneto’s family would be done in a way that they were triggered by Magneto’s own hand. So yes, the Joker dies, but he was having too much fun to worry about survival anyway, such is life for a madman.

Adikt said on 12-04-2010
Adikt

Should have been Sinestro v/s Joker.

Been busy with school, actually forgot about this stuff somehow. Anyway, I put the reasons why Sinestro would have beat Magneto in the comment section for that fight.

Joker would still have lost. And Doom will win overall. He’s the only one with control over magic, like he even needs it.

(Note: This is a repost)

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

This week Dr. Doom vs. Venom! For our purposes, we are all about classic non ultimate Doom and Eddie Brock Venom

Rob:

One of the things I find funniest about this process is that it forces us to quantify the skills of super types. These things should be inherently unquantifiable- Who would win in a fight, a grizzly bear, or a tiger? Who cares? I’ll take 4 tickets, please. Now, I know the controversy we generate is based entirely by the idea of comparing fictional villains, and that’s all the fun of what we do here, but we do it for giggles. Nonetheless, it always irked me as a kid when comparisons were drawn between heroes for non-comedic reasons. I always feel like the mathematical and statistical comparisons made my heroes less heroic. Hockey Cards used to do this. In 1989, I could tell you for sure that hometown hero Lanny McDonald was the greatest hockey player of all time, but a quick look at any of the Upper-Deck hockey cards from that era confirms that Gretzky was a pretty good player, actually. I bring this all up because I was bummed out when my 1990 set of Marvel Cards listed every piece of information about all the heroes and villains, and broke them down to sports statistics, compared them to each other, reduced them to , uh, countable stuff.

As such, I thought I should take this battle straight out of the charts-n’-graphs Marvel universe, and run this purely on the numbers! My data can’t be disputed!

Venom, at 6′3″ and 260 lbs, is 1″ taller than Doom, and outweighs him by 35 pounds! If that isn’t a whole weight division or two, I don’t know what is. I really don’t know what is, I am much too nerdy for boxing or mixed martial arts. As an aside, MMA fighting seems a touch too huggy and cuddly to me- you know, lots of rolling on the floor and being sweaty, like a combination of junior high wrestling class and what I imagine sex to be like, if I ever have sex. As of 1990, Doom had a 32% win ratio, whereas Venom has a 36% win ratio. In the Good Doctor’s favour, he has fought 393 battles, and Venom only 115.

Other Factors: Doc Doom has a metal mask, and Venom is a discarded space-unitard.

Despite the various intricacies, I still think heavyweight Venom is going to take this one, because anyone that outweighed me by 35 pounds and smelled like Peter Parker’s sweaty crotch would be a force to be reckoned with. I think Doc Doom probably smells pretty good, he’s European. well, Eastern European, so maybe he smells like sausage. Still, anyone who has ever worn workout clothing knows crotch smells worse than sausage.

Winner: Venom
Loser: Sausage Sales

DAVE

This is a tricky fight, mostly because I’m on vacation this week, and had a lot of trouble finding somewhere to write my post. Thus, it will be short, sweet, and not at all noteworthy.

On the one hand, we have Venom, who is an alien symbiote. I’m assuming whomever wrote the preamble to this week’s smackdown had the sense to define Venom as the Eddie Brock version, because that’s the only one I give a crap about. Venom is a terrible character. He was invented as a way to keep the cool black Spider-Man costume, but he’s a terrible, terrible character. Don’t even get me started on Carnage, et al. Anyone who thinks the next Spider-Man movie should be the Maximum Carnage storyline, you should stop reading this, go to your local comic book store, and ask the owner to introduce you to some ACTUAL quality stories.

Doctor Doom, on the other hand, is pure awesome. The main villain from the Fantastic Four, which served as my introduction to comics, back in the John Byrne days. He’s smart, evil, and encased in metal. Also, he’s awesome. Wait, I said that already.

So, the fat kid in the the Aeropostale shirt is glaring at me, either he needs to use this computer, or he’s a Carnage fan. Short, sweet.

No matter how badass Venom thinks he is, Doom has already thought of 12 ways to defeat him. Venom charges in,Doom pulls out a sonic disruptor, and sonics the crap out of the symbiote until it oozes away. Then he offers Eddie Brock a job. After Brock accepts, Doom blasts him anyway. Evil.

Winner: Dr. Doom

Tony

The problem with a bracket type set up is that invariably there will be some mismatches in which someone gets their ass handed to them. Someone gets utterly humiliated, owned, washed, dried, folded neatly, put away, pulled out again, gang fucked, and then donated to the Salvation Army.
In this particular instance it is a certain alien symbiote you will see hanging next to a 5 dollar tweed jacket. What I’m trying to say here is that Dr. Doom wouldn’t even break a sweat kicking Eddie’s ass. And considering he’s wearing full armor under warm stadium lights that is saying something. He is used to taking on 4 different superpowers at once, with both technology and magic. Venom is, as the kids say, screwed. So instead of my usual scenario based description of the ownage, I present to you a list of ways in which Venom would lose horribly.
Enjoy.
1) Sonics emanate from the armour. Symbiote screams and melts away like Ice cream. Doom strolls over, puts the symbiote in a jar, and punches Eddy in the face with a gauntlet
2) Doom clones Squirrel Girl. Rodent hijinks ensue
3) Venom lunges at Doom, only to run smack into a portal back to the symbiotes home planet. Doom seals the portal, and enjoys a bag of mini donuts while waving at the crowd.
4) Hundreds of doombots reprogrammed to look and behave like Spider-man descend on Venom, who promptly freaks the fuck out
5) Venom hits Doom with a web, and drags his ass across where he can get in close, He takes Doom’s head off with 1 stroke. Nothing but sparks and wires. Doom’s laughter echoes throughout the arena. 500 Dr. Dooms enter…which one is the real one? By the time Venom finds out, he’s dead.
6) Doom pulls a Dr. Strange and summons a demon to keep Brock busy. Even if he lives after that, he’s in no shape to face Doom
7) Doom watches Eddy throw himself uselessly against his force field. Eventually he gets bored and electrocutes him.
Doom hits his remote control and Nickleback starts playing from the speakers. Venom runs away in horror, conceding defeat. Yes, Doom would sink that low. He has no scruples.

The combo of genius, technology and the occult is just too much to take for Spider-man on roids. There can be no question that this one goes to Dr. Doom.

Winner :Victor Von Doom

Decision: Victor Von Doom

Next week: Joker vs. Magneto. Come on, admit it, you are intrigued!

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Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: Sinestro vs Magneto. For our purposes, Sinestro has yet to become some weird White Lantern, and Magneto is his normal self, but speaks in Ian McKellan’s voice, cuz that’s pretty badass.

DAVE:

When I considered this battle in my head, there was no possible way that the winner could be anyone but Sinestro. He has one of them there power rings, and they can do pretty much anything. In fact, as Yellow Lanterns use Fear as a weapon, I had constructed a scenario in which Sinestro uses Magneto’s memories of the concentration camps, in addition to Magneto’s fear of becoming irrelevant within the mutant community. This results in an easy win for Sinestro.

But then I started thinking about Magneto. In addition to being able to control magnetic fields, and therefore anything with metallic content, he can also create an almost impenetrable field around himself, and (this is becoming a weekly thing, where I educate our readers) can create a wormhole. Really Marvel? A wormhole. And yet, people can’t stop babbling about how overpowered DC is, Marvel has every single character all healing factored up, and able to create wormholes.

So, here it is. Sinestro attacks, Magneto shells up. Sinestro continues to attack, using fear and giant yellow hammers. Magneto uses various parts of the stadium to bounce off of Sinestro’s sheild. This goes on for a while. Magneto figures out the frequency of the Yellow Ring’s power, and dissipates it for a moment, and grabs the iron content in Sinestro’s blood, draining him instantly. Or (for those of you who claim his alien blood is non-ferrous, he bounces an i-beam off Sinestro’s head.) A third option is to dissolve the electromagnetic force holding Sinestro’s protons to his electrons (Really Marvel?).

Any way we slice this thing, a fancy power ring can’t beat almost 50 years of retconning.

Winnner: Magneto

Tony

Ugh. This one makes my head hurt.

There are so many “Ifs” in play here that as of right now, I have no idea who my choice is going to be.

Let’s just count the ways this can go together, shall we?

IF Sinestro’s ring is in the least bit ferrous, Magneto immediately crushes it, along with Sinestro’s finger. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth follows. Magneto makes fun of the size of his head.

Winner :Magneto.

IF it is not ferrous in any way, Sinestro can easily get the drop on Magneto. It takes awhile to bring a building down on someone, or at least it takes more time than it takes to point your fist at someone and think about crushing them with the power of a nice festive Easter yellow.

Winner: Sinestro

IF Sinestro’s power is in fact a MENTAL power, and I think it can be argued that it is, seeing as how it is fueled by a mental state of being…would Magneto’s helmet protect him from said power? IF yes, than Sinestro is once again screwed.

Winner: Magneto

IF Sinestro’s power is in fact just a manipulation of the light spectrum, and not based on a mental attack, then there is NOTHING Magneto can do to stop it. He has shields to block many kinds of attacks, but to actually stop LIGHT from getting in? I don’t think so.

Winner : Sinestro

IF Magneto is in fact the master of all metal, as he’s sometimes known, it wouldn’t matter if the ring was ferrous or not. Some of my research claims Magneto has dominion over every single metal in the known universe. Scenario one happens, crushed finger. Or he just pulls the ring right off Sinestro’s finger. You want to generate some fear? Give a power ring to Magneto and watch the audience shit itself.

Winner Magneto

IF the ring runs on fear, all Sinestro has to do it throw a fright into the crowd, and he will have a TON of energy to run off of. Possibly enough to overcome ANYTHING Magneto can throw at him…

Winner: Sinestro

IF the ring recharges by battling the green spectrum, all Magneto has to do is go on the offensive and wait him out. Magneto can throw a lot of shit his way to keep Sinestro trying to save his own ass until he runs out of juice, then moves in for the kill.

Winner Magneto

Apparently both of these guys have been known to GO BACK IN TIME. IF they chase each other through the ages trying to find the other guy in the crib and kill him, only to be foiled by the other guy and forced to go back even further to kill off a relative. Sinestro gets the drop on Magneto, when Erik takes a quick break from the battle to try and kill Hitler. I guess. No,not really.

Winner: I haven’t got a fucking clue.

So you see the dilemma I’m in here. This is predicated on a whole lot of very debatable “ifs”

So here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to pause and count the scenarios up there and see who ends up winning more….Apparently Magneto does 4-3.

I’m going to take a deep breath then and give this one to Magneto. However this is SO close that if anybody can present me with a good argument for Sinestro, I’m fully prepared to flip flop on this.

Winner: Magneto

ROB:

Ahh, okay nerds. Out of my depth. Fortunately, I trust my fellow Correctness pals to bury my opinion at the bottom of the article. If for any reason my article remains near the top, you can be sure it is because Dave or Tony didn’t read my post.

Those of you who read our Superhero Smackdowns might recall an incident in which, because of my limited expertise, I went on, what I felt at the time was, a long comic ramble. Many of you fine people then accused me of betraying the only series of articles which drew hits to our website. Many of you accused me of “phoning it in”. Some of you said that my comments were purposeless and largely antithetical to the concepts of comedy in general. Far be it from me to get defensive because we run a comedy blog, and we simply do not claim to be expert, and that the purpose of these smackdowns is to foster an amusing debate, and not to be some kind of authoritative canonical resource for you to rely on during your post and then pre masturbatory refractory period.

Here are some facts, which in case you did not read the above paragraph, you cannot dispute because they are absolutely inarguably correct. Both Sinestro and Magneto both have the all powerful “o” at the end of their names. Any supervillain with an “o” at the end of their names is extremely powerful. Just think of the long list of villains with end-in-o powers:

Sinestro

Magneto

Electro

Apocalypto

That’s quite a list, and considering one of the supervillains mentioned above is actually a Mel Gibson film, that’s all the more reason to agree with me.

Magneto is magnetic, and can do impressive magnetic stuff with metals, I guess, except for some metals, assuming he is ferromagnetic. Similarly, Sinestro is sinister, and controls sinister stuff, like ferrets and ice cream mini-truck drivers, assuming he is ferretmagnetic.

The supply of sinister stuff to hurl through the air is entirely dependent on the environment Sinestro is battling in- in an arena full of supervillain fans, I’m sure he could probably find a metric tonne of moustachioed weirdos who he could manipulate using sinestric fields. Magneto, on the other hand, as long as he is not antiferromagnetic, could probably rip the seats out of the stadium- well, the expansion seats, not the concrete boxes- but the rebar in the concrete boxes, and smash them into Sinestro.

Now, as you know, Sinestro got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern, and this is relevant because I goddamnwell say so, and I all I have is this blog, ALL I HAVE ON THIS FUCKING EARTH IS THIS GODDAMN COMEDY BLOG, AND THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO, AND I AM SO FULL OF FASHIONABLE SELF LOATHING THAT I HATE WRITING HERE, so Sinestro might use his awesome powers to float fat guys and ferrets into Magneto. Magneto would fly some lipstick tubes and passenger trains into Sinestro. In a climactic Akira-esque battle in which blobs of flesh and metal and fur fly hither and yon, the eventual winner would be Magneto, because his hat is cooler.

Please send me your hatred.

Winnner: Magneto

Decision: Magneto

And so Magneto moves on to the Quarter-Finals. Tune in next week to see Dr Doom vs Venom. Marvel vs Marvel. Suck it.

Call us names below!