It seems that Eddie Murphy, in a show of solidarity for a douchebag will no longer be hosting the Oscars.

I can’t say that I’m sad, especially after last years debacle. Thanks Academy, for dragging my beloved Anne Hathaway through the mud with your crappy writing and pairing her up with a stoned co-star who apparently thought he was supposed to host it ironically.

Alright fine, maybe she wasn’t really up for it either, but damned if she didn’t look good trying. It’s like I said before…nobody had looked that good on a sinking ship since Kate Winslet in Titanic.

"That's Bullshit...quit playing around that is NOT the actual script... go get the REAL script you guys

Let me help you out with a list of names I posted on facebook after that first disaster, just as a friendly reminder. You don’t have to drag poor Billy Crystal out of retirement…there’s plenty of good talent around. So for your consideration…

(Feel free to mix and match these hosts, there could be some good combos here!)

1. Tina Fey

This is called "TFeyBinnsing"

- Just adding her to the writing process would make the whole thing 10 times better. You still have the eye candy, she’s got great timing and comes from an improv background so she’s fast on her feet and knows how to keep a show rolling.

2. Steve Carell -

Probably make a great partner for Tina if you thought she needed one. Has a great deadpan, has been hilarious on many an award show before. and It’s not like he’s busy with a TV show right now.

3. Craig Ferguson

- Stop worrying about whether or not people will understand the accent, nobody understood Kirk Douglas, that didn’t seem to bother you any. Craig keeps it free and loose and funny 5 days a week. He is one of the BEST talk show hosts out there today

4. Neil Patrick Harris.

He’s already got Emmy’s and Tony’s under his belt…give him his Award Show Host EGOT. It would be Legen…wait for it…dery.

5. Justin Timberlake

Tbinnsin for the Ladies, y’all!

If you insist on young and hip…try for someone who is actually pretty funny. For a boy band reject.

Oh Robbie RobTown I’m glad you’re here we need an undercard for…waaaaiiit a minute…

6. Sandra Bullock

- Both times I’ve seen her at the oscars she seems funny, relaxed and totally cool. Plus she’s one of the biggest stars in Hollywood

7. Patton Oswalt-

Okay that’s the real longshot… Yes, he looks like Toad from the John Byrne X-Men, but you aren’t going to find a bigger movie buff to host.

8. Conan O Brien

…yes he would bring nothing but goofiness to the proceedings but has it occurred to you that you are probably taking yourself a bit too seriously anyway? Conan might just be what you need.

9. Ricky Gervais.

Whatsamatter academy…chicken?

So there you go. Nine just off the top of my head. Remember COMEDIANS FIRST before you go tarnishing the sterling reputations of girls who have large pretty Disney Princess eyes. And for God’s sake FIRE Bruce Valanche!

Add yours to the list below.

Jim:

A while back here on my comedy website thing, which is highly regarded by my mom, I invited Emma Stone to enter the “Win a Date with RobbieRobTown” contest. She did not enter then, nor has she submitted an entry since I reopened the contest earlier this summer.  To be fair, Emma Stone hasn’t the foggiest idea who I am, or if I am charming, homicidal, or both. So, to preface this letter without any further speculation, I am not writing this to tell you to keep your mitts offa my lady, as such a statement would be untrue, sexist, and incalculably fucktarded.

I am addressing this letter to you because we are fellow Canadians and fellow entertainers. The interwebs are all aflutter about your intent. Were you being sincere, yet creepy? Were you exploring an unusual marketing strategy? Did you two have some kind of secret tryst which you could no longer bear to disguise? Irrelevant, all. Jim, I am writing you this letter because of the genius of what you have done. Please hear me out.

Every joe-average nerdy person has had a crush on a celebrity. Mine are rare, but I have had a few (Emma, looking at you). On a much more personal and revealing note, I think celebrities should know how confused and sweetly unrequited these celebrity crushes can be. In the depths of my nerdiest despair, I have sometimes watched and re-watched a movie (yeah, okay, Zombieland) and searched online in vain to see if somehow I could come up with a way of actually meeting this celebrity. I think these fantasies, while obviously immature and implausible, are kind of cute. The imaginary journey never ends well for me. Usually, I meet some celebrity (yes, yes, I meet Emma Stone specifically) at a ComiCon party because I have a connection with one of the big corporate sponsors there, and we chat, and she’s really nice, and we live such different lives that she sensibly ends the conversation and goes about her business. Everyone who has ever been a fan of a performer knows the weird mixture of feelings that accompanies the simultaneous sense of knowing someone well through their work, and yet rationally understanding that they are total strangers.  The closer I actually get to a chance to meet a celebrity, the more heightened (and therefore more hilarious and tragic) my celebrity crush can become!

I have a mutual friend of Malin Akerman, did you know that, Jim? True story! I’m a performer-comedy type guy, so I know people who know people, but a friend of mine is an acquaintance of hers and she was willing to pass on a message to THE Malin Akerman from me at one point. The Watchmen was big in the theatres, and I was lonely (Surprising news, right? When am I not lonely? God, and I have a whole website to whine about it on) and this friend said “Yeah, I know Malin, you really want to meet her?”. Of course my answer was “Yes!”, but then I was completely paralysed.

What would I say?

“Oh, hi, successful famous artist. I am an unsuccessful, unfamous artist. Are you one of the 297 fans of my music on Facebook? Perhaps you are a fan of my improv comedy work- I’m on local cable access right now, you know, 5 nights a week! How much did I get paid for that, you ask? Oh, nothing. What is that you asked? Yes, the only TV in my 602 square foot condo IS a Samsung, thank you for noticing!”

That’s where the fantasy ends for us normal folks. What could we say to impress someone who impresses us so much already? What makes me seem special, other than my boyish good looks (Yes, yes, SPCMike, other than my scarred, hideous face and lice problem). There is a kind of begrudging hopelessness about celebrity crushes.

Anywhozle, Jim, what you have done is give a much needed boost of confidence to every human everywhere who has ever loved an artist. If even you, JIM MOTHERFUCKING CARREY can be smitten by a star, and be forced to make your feelings public through the only avenue that you have, then that means something both sad and wonderful: Even famous celebrities have sweet unrequited loves that they have no means of , uh, requiting. Sure, I’m sad about being outcompeted by a famous person, but you are very funny and very successful, and a rather good actor, I think.  Even still, JIM MOTHERFUCKING CARREY had to send a sad, sweet message into the ether to try to heal his heart.

With the proviso that your message to Emma was intended as sincere, it rings painfully true for a lot of us- Not because it is directed at Emma Stone (who is awfully charming) , but because you have hit a raw nerve that most of the normal folks out here have. I need to speak to you now as a fellow comedian. A lot of great comedy comes from truthful things, however, Jim, if this all turns out to be a clever ploy to do some Hollywoood weirdness I can’t comprehend, then I must insist you do us all a favour: Tell no one that you didn’t mean it. It is such a nice boost to the ego to think that someone as popular and famous as you could be smitten, and forlorn, and a bit sadly desperate. I would be most displeased to find out that you were pulling a fast one on us. If this was a piece of slick guerrilla theatre, or bizarre performance art, don’t tell a soul. Let the rest of us mere mortals go on believing that love is tough, even for you. We’d be heartbroken to discover that you replicated the sad, and I suppose vaguely funny emotions that nobodies like me honestly feel, and then exploited them as a joke.

Anyway, I hope it’s all real, I really do. I hope That Emma Stone sees it as complimentary, and I hope she enters my contest (but not really, because I’m funnier when I have a lot to complain about).

Oh, and if this does all turn out to be totally real, I wish you a speedy recovery from your sadness. I personally hope that I will one day feel the same way about Emma Stone as I currently feel about The Refreshments. Do you remember that first Refreshments album? Wasn’t it awesome? Where are those guys now?

Thank you for sharing that with us Jim, and don’t betray us little folk by making a joke at the expense of our vulnerabilities.

Sincerely,

RobbieRobTown

P.S. Emma, I know this is terrible timing, but the contest is still open. The rules, as a reminder, are that you must submit your ideas for a dream date with me, via email, or in comment form below. The disqualified entrants in past lived outside of the Americas, or suggested illegal activities. I’ll be here, waiting I guess, and listening to “Fizzy, Fuzzy, Big and Buzzy”.

Gas prices are on the rise, and the environment isn’t cleaning itself up. The Correctness feels your pain, and we’re here to help. Today, we present a list of tips and ideas for making your life and home more eco-friendly, so you can feel better about yourself, and help the earth a micro-smidge ( that’s a micro-touch to our American friends!!) while you’re at it!

1) STOP WASTING GAS

Want to lower your cost at the pump? Try these simple ideas! Place a brick in the tank. Simply crack open your gas tank (when it’s empty!!!!) and put a regular brick inside. This will lower the amount of gas used. Alternately, try filling up to half-full, then filling the rest of your tank with water, and perhaps some baking soda, which will clean the engine while you drive. You’ be saving the planet, and adding some clean exhaust to the environment!

2) RECYCLE PLASTIC CONTAINERS

When I’m done with a ketchup squeeze bottle, or a milk jug, I simply slap a label on it, and mail it off to the manufacturer. (Be sure to clean it out first!) That way, they can simply reuse the bottle and not have to make as many. Some items might be tricky to fit in your standard mailbox, in these cases, I like to hang them with “found string” beside or below the mailbox, to help the mail carrier. To avoid high postage, try making your own stamps (easy! paper, vinegar, baking soda and water!)

3) MAKE YOUR OWN TOOLS

Why spend money, time, and gas water heading out to the local store to buy a new hammer or screwdriver, when you can make these things easily and cheaply in your own yard. Simply start a fire (using extra wood scraps, fencing, etc) in a container, and add oxygen (gaseous only!) until the fire is good and white hot. (Keep the kids and animals back!!!)

While this is happening, begin digging down through the clay layer until you reach some very hard surface, the “bedrock”. You’re looking for Ore, which will be shiny and metalic-looking. When you’ve found it, you’ll need to extract it, using a pick or rock-axe. You can make these yourself using the process above. Once you have a tool-sized chuck, drop it in the “furnace” and wait until it’s good and hot. Then, simply hit it with other rocks or a hammer until it resembles the tool you need. You’ve saved money, gas, and aren’t relying on others!

4) CUT THE “SHEET”

Try replacing things in your home that take materials and effort to create. By not buying things, you’ll be making a real difference. Traditional sheets use about 5 cubic metres (that’s 4 miles to our American friends) of cotton or synth to make. If the kids don’t like Fruit Roll-ups that much (who does?) use the extras to start forming sheets and pillowcases. They’ll look fun and colorful.

5) MAKE YOUR OWN CLEANING PRODUCTS

Most Shampoos and Conditioners are loaded with chemicals, some even contain arsenic! Avoid all this by making your own at home.

Shampoo: combine equal amounts of Baking Soda, Water, and Vinegar, and add your favorite flower or herb to add a refreshing scent! (I use solder mixed with basil!)

Conditioner: Simple. Water, Baking Soda, and Vinegar can be mixed together to create a silky paste for your hair. Try throwing in Vanilla extract for extra body.

Shaving Cream: A combination of Vinegar, Water, and Baking Soda will create a frothy mixture of suds perfect for shaving! To add to your savings, throw out that multi-blade razor, and either use the “individual tweeze” method, or use small thumbtacks to dislodge the hair at the root.

6) COOK WITH SOLAR

Ovens use a LOT for power, and waste heat. The average home loses 234 gigakilos of heat every month from the oven alone. You can cut this down by relying on Father Sun to get the job done. Simply place the desired food in a container (preferably something homemade, or a shoe?) and place in the hot, hot sun. After about 15 minutes, the food will feel warm to the touch, but it’s not done yet (Unless you want e-coli… A great weight loss idea, btw!). Give it another 20 or 30 mins. Chicken should appear pasty white on the outside, and look “medium rare” on the steak scale inside.

7) MAKE YOUR OWN WATER

Clean water is a real issue in this day and age. Why spend money and time and the inevitable postage on plastic water bottles when you can make your own water at home. It’s easy, and the kids can help (Don’t let the kids help!). Nothing could be easier. First, find a big container, 5 Litres or more (that’s 19 Gallons to you Americans!) Next, you’ll need some Hydrogren, and some Oxygen. Simply add both to the container, and stir until they combine at a molecular level. For extra flavor, add lemon slices!

Got any tips? Share them below, and we’ll credit you in the next article (we’re never, ever going to!!!) Thanks for reading, and happy greening!

The Correctness on Sports:

Contrary to popular belief, we here at The Correctness are huge sports fans. Because of our unerring expertise, we are frequently bombarded with sports related questions. How does one pole vault one’s shotput? Is Hachidan Kiritsu illegal in Anbo Jitsu, just as Will Riker claims it is? What are the consequences of a ground rule double in quidditch?

Sports sure can seem complicated for the average nerd, but we have a primer here that will allow you to discuss a few sports as necessary, primarily to impress male co-workers, especially single male ones who are not otherwise occupied with satisfying sexual relationships. Be forewarned, if you are a female nerd, and you make an attempt to understand sporting events, you may find your elevated sexual status unnerving. Furthermore, you may also find your nerdy male friends looking at you quite a bit more wistfully than usual when games night rolls around. We have compiled a list of several popular sporting events, and provided the relevant rules, scoring procedures, and penalties.

1. Punchy Smacky:

Punchy Smacky is a one on one gladiatorial event in which two pugilists exchange blows (our research indicates one fighter is typically comically out of scale). Each participant in Punchy Smacky has his fists enclosed in comical red sacks which serve a twofold purpose: First, The red hand-sacks are employed to slightly reduce the impact of each blow sustained by the athletes. Second, the hand-sacks can be tracked with motion tracking software, simplifying the task of compositing in a giant lizard or giant werewolf instead of normal humans.

A competitor has won the match when the other competitor is permanently brain injured, and obliged to sell products on television wholly unrelated to their area of athletic expertise.

Some terminology which may be useful for you:

KO: A “Kick Out” kicks a competitor out of the match.
TKO: A “Twilight Kick Out” occurs when the giant werewolf competitor faces off against a giant vampire instead of a giant lizard.

2. Angry Cuddles:

This is another event popular with individuals who own Tapout apparel and skidoo jackets. Angry Cuddles once again pits two meaty fellows against each other. The objective of Angry Cuddles is to make as much flesh-to-flesh contact as is allowed by the referee. Once extensive cuddling has commenced , the referee with rush over to the two entangled opponents, and measure their physical proximity. Once maximum cuddling has been achieved, the referee separates the two opponents, to prevent a more permanent pair bond. A winner is declared when one hapless competitor has fallen in love, and is emotionally spurned by the victor.

It is considered in poor taste for the victor to flaunt his emotional win, and excessive bravado from the champion is poor sportsmanship. The classiest competitors in this sport complete each match with a thorough explanation of what they are going through right now that makes continued cuddling impossible.

Handy Insider phrase: “That was a good takedown. That fellow sure likes to go down when the other fellow takes him.”

3. Nap:

Nap is a very traditional sport. It is typically played in warm climates throughout the year, but is enjoyed most by viewers living in colder climates during in the spring and autumn. In nap, a series of athletes wearing white stroll around large manicured lawns, on which they are in pursuit of a pearlescent spheroid. The players employ metallic sticks to disturb the inertia of the spheroid. Various obstacles prevent the deposit of the of the spheroid inside of a circular hopper found beneath a flag. It should be pointed out that the flag represents no national importance, it simply indicates the position of the ball hopper. The flag is not captured or kept by the participants, and “paintball rules” are frowned upon.

While the game-play of Nap may seem complex, the entire spectacle is intended to lull you to a gentle sleep, particularly for those whose cold climate homes are far from the greenery on the game surface. Announcers speak in hushed tones in a timbre specifically intended to encourage delta-wave patterns in the viewer’s mind. The obstacles confronting the players are neither alarming nor complex, and are better understood less as obstacles and more as nice beaches and idealized fishing ponds. Since the entire sport of Nap is essentially a narrated walk around a private park, the sport cannot be underestimated as a valuable mental health service.

Some terminology:

A Long Par Five: A verbal construct which has a powerful sedative effect.
In The Rough: Visually, this segment of the game will have more trees, and there will be more enjoyable bird noises.
Tiger Woods: A traditional clown character whose misadventures off screen add some levity to the match. You may find him distracting.

Check out this article by Javier Grillo-Marxuach over at i09.com. It’s well written, insightful, and sums up many of my thoughts about Star Wars, and Nerd Culture in general. The growing interest in geek.nerd culture, indeed, it’s mainstreaming through things like “The Big Bang Theory” and the success of superhero films means that things once hidden and inside are now everywhere.

My Year Without Star Wars

Also, Tbinns pointed this article by Patton Oswalt out to me recently, and it also concerns itself with the mainstreaming of geek.nerd stuff, over at Wired. It starts out strong, then maybe goes a little long, then goes way too long, but it does make a good point.

Wake up, Geek Culture. Time to die.

(Jan 1) Robert Jackson Bennett weighs in as well, over at orbitbooks.net

Weight loss is all the rage, both here on the net and in real life too! With all the processed, sugar rich foods in the world, and the abundance of fast food, it’s no surprise.

A new book by Tim Ferriss, “The Four Hour Body”, claims to show you how to shed all that unwanted fat by doing things like eating after you wake up, putting icepacks on your neck, and taking cold showers. It also will show you how to prevent fat gain while bingeing, how to increase fat-loss 300% with a few bags of ice and how Tim gained 34 pounds of muscle in 28 days, without steroids, and in four hours of total gym time.

And if that weren’t enough, you can learn how to sleep 2 hours per day and feel fully rested, how to produce 15-minute female orgasms, how to triple testosterone and double sperm count, how to go from running 5 kilometers to 50 kilometers in 12 weeks, how to reverse “permanent” injuries, how to add 150+ pounds to your lifts in 6 months and how to pay for a beach vacation with one hospital visit.

Now, we’re uninterested in being sued, so let’s say that all of these things are true, and not total, unmitigated bullshiat. Yes, we’ll go that way. Mr. Ferriss is a pretty rich dude, so clearly writing a book like this is a step in the rich direction. We at the Correctness like being rich, at least we suspect we would.

So, we’ve come up with a diet and wellness plan sure to make you faster, stronger and better*.

THE CORRECTNESS PLAN!

Our plan will do these things for you!

Correct your weight to it’s natural “body memory” level.
Open your muscles to blood flow, increasing their size.
Create a faster, more agile reaction from your nerves.
Keep the bad foods away, let the good ones in.

We call it the COCK plan, and if you want to be COCKy too, just follow these easy steps**.

1.Your body has a memory, which it can use to return itself to a correct state. It will shed unwanted fat and build muscle all by itself. You simply need to make it remember what it should be. Start by gently singing to it, lulling it to a state of relaxation. If that fails, slam it into things, like walls, or traffic.

2. Blood flow to your muscles is increased by allowing the body to do two things at once. Try say running and making circles with your arms, jumping in place while eating, or crying while masturbating.

3. It’s important to strengthen your body’s core. And since you are what you eat, try consuming 10-14 apple cores per day. Apple cores have the nutritional qualities your core needs.

4. Apart from cores, it’s very important to limit your diet. For 14-21 days, eat only the following: Baking soda, Tom Collins Mix, Quinoa, beets, and the sense of whimsy that comes from impish faces on Christmas cards.

5. Changing your attitude is an important step in reshaping your life energy. By rechakraing your points of essence, you can recrystalize your chi pouches.

Now, we can’t give all of our secrets away. If you want the rest, you’ll need to email us at admin@thecorrectness.com, and have your paypal information handy!

*plan will not make you faster, stronger, or better.
** do not follow these steps

She stood in the kitchen, looking out across the expanse of the distant jungle valley as the sun rose. Untold millions of dew drops reflected the red glow of a dawn. Time stopped, and ever so slowly, all of her pain, her hatred, her failures began to evaporate just as the mist on the valley floor did. Through the panoramic windows of her incalculably expensive tropical mountain escape, the light from the sun was reaching her, it felt today, for the first time. Today, there was finally purpose, a reason to go on. For the first time in a decade, she awoke to hope. Hope, a feeling she had come to distrust. Had it not been hope that broken her heart? Had it not been hope that had led her to wait for love to seek her out, and not the other way around?

Some perhaps, had not the money or the arrogance to wile away the years in a psuedo-philosophic travel, funded by a divorce. Many would laugh at the seemingly small problems of one woman, especially one so wealthy. There was nothing to laugh at today. Today there were only tears of joy, flowing without provocation from the corners of her eyes, freely onto her cheeks, and even dripping onto her hands. Her hands, touched now by tears, could let go of all of it- the disappointment, the resentment. Her hands could also literally let go. She literally let go of her erect dick with one hand, and the pillow-case of live kittens she had been jacking-off onto with the other. Today, for the first time in almost a decade, there was no need for jizzy kittens.

The tears came without restraint. Tears of joy. No more jizzy kittens. No more.

Then, like the bloom of a perfect rose, like a single falling leaf, like ripple on a pond, Predator sliced her in two.

A Haiku Moral:

Patronizing bitch,

jizzy kittens and bullshit,

Predator got you.

Meme this, suckers! It’s Batman vs. Bacon!

Batman! Scourge of Gotham’s criminals! Batman! Brilliant single-minded vigilante! Batman! Nananananananana, etc! Nothing is more powerful than The Dark Knight! Except for Bacon, you mouth-breathing primitives. BACON!

Bacon is the only pork meat that I wish would make salty love to the inside of my mouth. Nothing keeps pork chops moist, and ham is gross and slimy, but bacon is the most perfect meat invented by man. Before Haliburton teamed up with Monsanto to create BaCon (TM), it was physically impossible for any food to pack so much tastiness into strip form. It would take 50 metric strips of gravy to be a delicious as bacon, and that is a fact of science. I am a scientist, and I know a thing or to about Ricard’s First Law of Strips, which states: “Strips of food cannot be at a more than 1:1 flavour to mass ratio, unless it is a strip of Bacon.” As a scientist, I can confirm bacon would give me a serious boner if it weren’t so full of fat and sodium it rendered me flaccid. Bacon is delicious. In fact, Bacon=Delicious, and that is one of the simplest Turing Complete logic statements ever made. Bacon is so densely packed with tastiness that they are smashing bacon into other bacon at almost the speed of light in the Large Hadron Collider to try and produce missing fundamental particles. It’s fucking yummy.

So, this is a smackdown undercard, and you are wondering “How can Bacon fight against Batman? Bacon is inanimate, at least, once it is butchered, hung, and cured it is inanimate, though it is moderately animate on a frying pan, but then it is basically totally still once served, unless you pick it up in BLT form, but it isn’t moving under its own power, so essentially inanimate.” You have a point, albeit a convoluted one.  This will be a fight in which Batman attempts to resist a plate of bacon.

“How is that such a big deal?” you might be asking yourself, or maybe you aren’t, but maybe. “I can resist bacon”. Oh, can you? Can you really?(slides you a plate of bacon) Then don’t eat that. (let’s you smell it). Don’t! (fries up a bit more) Don’t!(wafts odour over to you with a GE brand BaConFan.) HA! I thought so.

The preparations will happen like this. Bruce Wayne will have Alfred lock him in a room, and go through intense psychological training so that Batman begins hating the mere thought of bacon. Every time Bruce thinks of bacon, he will pass out and wake up with a cage full of rats on his face, or some such. Anyway, soon the Dark Knight will begin to so despise bacon he will feel himself invulnerable to its effects. Maybe he’ll run security video of his parents being murdered, but instead of murdered by that dude, it will be by a package of bacon that has been digitally imposed on the footage. Something like that, you get the picture. Harsh psychological Bacon Aversion Therapy – That’s with the promising acronym of BAT.

No matter how much planning Bruce Wayne has put into this event, Bacon will have a swift and decisive victory. The Goddamn Batman knows that a single strip of bacon is so toxic to his system that he will lose all his well trained abilities, and his suit won’t fit anymore. He has further prepared himself by blocking his nose with a cream made from a specific amazon flower that catalyses aerosolated bacon molecules, and converts them into the weird McDonald’s french fry smell your car floor mats make in the early winter, even though you haven’t eaten at McDonalds in like, 6 years. That smell just sticks, man. Bruce Wayne now smells a horrific smell, he recalls the rats on his face, and how Bacon murdered his family, and he is prepared to resist, primarily on the health consequences alone. But Bacon has a trick up it’s sleeve- it’s plastic refrigerator section sleeve.

No matter how ready Batman is, when Alfred sets down a glass of orange juice and some multi-grain toast beside the bacon (maybe with those little stainless steel condiment bowls of organic butter and farmers market jams on the side), Batman’s legendary willpower will crumble like a ancient cake made of clay and , uh, cake. No living thing on earth, not even a self-aware talking pig who knows what bacon is made from, can resist bacon as a part of this complete breakfast. As soon as Batman thinks to himself “Oh, you know what, I can probably eat just a little bit of bacon if I have that OJ, and go for a run this morning. I’m a busy crime-fighter after all, and I burn a lot of calories.”, he will have lost this battle. The futility of resisting bacon is more futile than resisting The Borg, and ever since The Borg started assimilating inferior technologies like toasters and GE brand BaConFans, even they can be found  snacking on down on some tasty bacon strips and letting their cubes get fat.

Winner: Bacon. God help us all.

Loser: Self Aware Talking Pig (tragic), also, Batman (helpless).

Dear Non-White-Male correctness reader:

You know, we were having a conversation the other day at The Correctness. A grown up, political conversation about how infuriatingly hard it is to insult white males, because, as the entitled culture of authority and power, nothing really hurts our feelings that much. You can call me a cracker, or greymeat, or gringo, or whatever, but it just doesn’t sting like our bleachy-white and bleachy-caustic lexicon of slurs we have for you folks. At the end of the day, we still have all that annoying capital, and equity, and those reassuring smug savings plans, and reusable grocery bags made of organic cotton that required ten times as much water to grow than pesticidey cotton. We’re a hard target!

But I’ve got one for you: One that you can use on any white dude you see, that will hurt, that will raise eyebrows, that will damage and demean him, and he will have no recourse. Better yet, there is simply no way any white dude in his right mind will ever try to reclaim this word like our black friends have done with the “N” word, and our gay friends have done with the “F” word (No, not “Freddy Mercury” you misguided GLBTQQA BYOB BBQ hostess). No rich white dude will ever give a high five to his golf buddies and call him this word affectionately.

The word you should try using is: Pedophile.

“Pedophile!” you can shout, as you point at any white guy- Especially if he is a parent, and is carting his kids around the park. “Pedophile!” you might scream again, as you stare sternly at him, your accusing glare unblinking.

At best he will manage stammering “I… I, uh, I most certainly, uh, am not!” but more than likely he will waddle away quickly as he tries to gather up his kids in his arms without looking all creepy.

So, for our non-white-male friends, I give you the best future slur for white males: Pedophile.

Ain’t that right, my pedos? (see? “Reclaiming” it sounds awful.)

Sincerely,

RobbieRobtown

I’m going to be a father soon and I am keenly aware of the many responsibilities that entails, including enriching the life of my son or daughter. Striving every day to make certain they have a better quality of life than I did, while at the same time being careful not to raise them with a sense of entitlement. That’s why “Pull My Finger” is simply not good enough for my child. I can’t raise my child in a world where their only option for the easy fart joke is to pull on a finger. What kind of a Dad would I be if I didn’t at least try several options and allow them to choose for themselves which one they would like to carry on to their children?

Besides, they catch on to “Pull my Finger” awfully quickly. So instead of relying on participation, I intend to give a few of these a whirl. Try one of these at home, preferably in front of company.

1. “Release the Kraken!!”

10.”Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, from Hannah Alberta, NICKLEBACK!!!”