I recently spent a weekend at the West Edmonton Mall, home of various lemurs, waterslides, and aging amusement park rides. While each of those things is worthy of much attention, the thing that was consistently evident was this:

Men’s fashion is in a dire state of affairs. I’m talking worse than the 70’s. Worse than the 80’s. Makes the flannel of the 90’s seem like a 3 piece suit. The ratio of awfulness was at least 4 out of 5.

What are we talking about? A fucking awful combination of Affliction, Tap-out, and Ed Hardy. It was hard to find a shirt without some nonsense words written in Old English script, worn by someone who couldn’t read it even if it was written in block letters.

Is this what we’ve come to? We all desire to look like Wrestling characters? We choose to exert manliness not by hitting the gym, but by buying $100 t-shirts? Not only $100 shirts, but the ugliest fucking shirts possible. I mean, look at this shit!

If you gave me that shirt for free, the only time I’d wear it was for that day where I stain the fence.

Old English script? Check. Tough guy vibe? Check. Ugly as shit? Check.

This shirt has a special kind of sad. I think this is the kind of shirt they give to the “special kids” after they reach the age of 30. Note the model has, you guessed it, tattoos.

And my special favorite, this one is an actual photo of a guy I saw at the mall. The innocent have been horribly photoshopped for the protection.

this guy not only is rocking the satin winter jacket last seen in Starlight Express, but he has an original Ed Hardy winter hat in canary yellow. I was tempted, after seeing this, to simply drink some bleach, as i’m no longer sure there is any hope for the human race.

And where do we place the blame for all this? I blame the tattoo guys. At some point, tattoos went from being something that only sailors and inmates had to the “hip new thing”. Soon, everyone was getting any old thing slapped on their arms, legs, back, and scrotum. What happened to the old days of the lady on the bicep that could be made to dance? Now it’s tramp-stamps, “tribal” bands, japanese characters and Calvin peeing on things. Way to class it up, society!

Of course, you might just be Cool.

Or maybe you’re all “tribal!”

But nothing prepares you for this kind of thing. I’ll remember you forever, in a special way.

It takes a special lady to rock the “Baby Head being eaten by a shark in my armpit” look.

My personal favorite: This one could likely have a post all to itself, as I have many questions, based on the implications it raises. Three things last forever, Faith, Love, and Doggy Style.

Before anyone starts furiously typing comment defending their “piece of art”, save it. A quick trip to the waterpark should give you enough proof as to why getting something etched on you in your 20’s is a bad idea in your 40’s.

Remember how you make fun of the clothes your parents used to wear? Remember how those clothes came back in style? Well, fashion is eating itself at such a rate now that we’re skipping a step, where the clothes are instantly horrible, and won’t be back, because the next horrible idea is right behind.

Makes a guy long for the days of the three piece suit again, doesn’t it?

Recently, the provincial government announced plans to increase university tuitions by 1.5%.

I am a Canadian, and in a medium-expensive program so 1.5% of my total annual tuition is $90.

Appalled by the government’s fascistic money-grab, Our Student’s Union recommended all of us students take a weekend out of our lives, go away from homework and theses, and drive to our provincial capital for the weekend. There, we would protest at the legislature.

1. The legislature is closed on weekends, there are no officials to see us protest.
2. Cost of gas to drive to our provincial capital: $100
3. Incidental gas in town: $20
4. Food for the weekend, on the cheap: $50
5. Accommodations in a tent: $70

Cost of tuition hike: $90
Cost of purposeless protest directed at an empty building: $240

Nice work, SU, nice work.

While perusing through an issue of Tiger Beat Entertainment Weekly, which we extended our subscription to weeks before we noticed that it no longer cared about anything entertaining, we found an ad for a drug that claims to help you stop smoking. While The Correctness is 100% non-smoking, we noticed the ad itself was a full page, but the warnings and information for the drug took up no less than a two page spread. Amongst the usual info, we saw some pretty crazy stuff.

Remember, this is for a drug meant simply to help you stop smoking.

…if you develop any of the following symptoms, stop taking (we’re not going to share the name of the drug, because we like our current non-sued lifestyles) and call your healthcare provider right away:

thoughts about suicide or dying, or attempts to commit suicide
new or worse depression, anxiety, or panic attacks
feeling very agitated or restless
acting aggressive, being angry, or violent
acting on dangerous impulses
an extreme increase in activity and taking (mania)
abnormal thoughts or sensations
seeing or hearing things that are not there (hallucinations)
feeling people are against you (paranoia)
feeling confused
other unusual changes in behavior or mood

So basically, to stop smoking, you go bugfuck crazy. Because, let’s face it, what’s a little paranoia and hallucination when it can save you $10 a week! Assuming you don’t actually commit suicide due to the fact that those fuckers are out to get you. Whereas you used to be addicted to smoking, now you’re busy passing out from panic attacks, at least when you’re not trying to take the head off of the nearest person.

“What should I tell my doctor before taking (still not getting sued)?”

That you’re in the habit of taking drastic measures with consequences that far outweigh the problem. This company should look at offering a weight-loss pill that controls appetite by making the user unconscious, or possibly unable to control motor functions.

Oh, and there was a coupon for $30 off!!!!

6 Appalling Pop Cultural Trends of the Last Decade:

There were some awful events in the Oughties, environmental disasters, natural disasters, terrorist acts, wars, economic crises, need I go on? Genuinely sad.

Here at The Correctness though, we thought we would take a look at some insidious pop cultural trends which we have been collectively asked to accept. If we don’t acknowledge them now, we will be force fed these horrors for the rest of our natural lives. Now is the time to recognize that we hate these things, and stop them. You may also notice a theme developing with a certain demographic who is most responsible for the problems we are having. See if you can spot who it is.

1. Calling this decade the Oughties

Far too late. Far, far too late. Needed that ten years ago. And what are these, the Teenies? Worse.

2. Emo

Who foisted this torture upon us? Why did we have to take the kinds of people we used to call “fans of The Cure” and then subtract from that equation enjoyable music, leaving a meaningless string of power chords on which to build an entire culture? What kind of suffering are teenagers familiar with? At least teenage laments in the 50’s were obviously stupid. Is there anything worse than a 15 year old who tries to tell you what pain is? Approximately 1% of teenagers know what pain is, and they likely can’t afford the haircut, and don’t want to stand out at all, or advertise their genuine misfortune. And what is that thing where you prove how different you are by being exactly the same? Ugh, I did it as a teen, it’s just sad.

3. Twilight

Vampires are a symbolic substitute for sex. This is why they are seductive and dangerous to innocent young women. Just as virtually every fairy tale is a coming of age story, vampires serve a narrative purpose too.
How the gods allowed vampires to become sensitive emo kids (EMO!) that- you know what? I haven’t read the books or watched the films. Honestly. The premise is too stupid. If, and I place heavy emphasis on the hypothetical nature of if, IF I had a girlfriend when I was 15 and she had wanted to drink my blood, she could have gone right ahead- and if she had been hesitant so that she didn’t kill me, I would have started slipping my blood into her drinks and showing up at her house bleeding. A suitable horny teen will do anything, including betray their humanity, to get some action.

4. The Return of Eighties Fashion

Oh God, I lived through it the first time, it looked stupid then, it still looks stupid now, and no legion of teenagers, gangly and retarded, will convince me that these things should come back. The neon! The tights! The rubber bracelets, the glasses, the skinny jeans, the HORROR!
Since the mid eighties we have cycled through all of the fashion of the last half decade, and some of it is fun. Most of it however, is abhorrent eye-abrasive mind rape, especially the Eighties. Why is it back? What’s left to bring back? Khaki cargo pants from ‘97? Or is it back to the fifties again. Can I wear boot cut jeans and a white t-shirt, or will I just look rockabilly?
Fashion is a snake eating its own tail. The noose grows tighter, and I need not revisit my Vuarnet sunglasses and my Cosby sweaters.

5. The Return of Eighties Music, but not the good stuff

Oh, you kids love the kitsch don’t you. Look, their was some excellent music in the Eighties, but I lived through it, and this music, categorically, was not on the radio.
New Order, not on the radio, Echo and the Bunnymen, not on the radio, Elvis Costello, not on the radio, The Cure, not on the radio, the Psychedelic Furs, The Clash, The Smiths, The Cocteau Twins, REM, essentially not on the radio.
Look, obviously these artists got some radio play, but they were drowned out by a sea of shit deeper than the Navy’s finest shit-sub could ever fathom.
REO Speedwagon? Hair Metal? What Peter Cetera did to Chicago?
Here’s one for you to remember: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” Is not a good song. It is popular because it is hilarious. Don’t forget the irony built in to enjoying this song and start just enjoying it as is. It is not a good song. It is ridiculous. You like it because it is ridiculous. You might also like it because you never had to deal with it the first time around. I’m blaming you teens again.

6. The Triumph of Teen Culture

Get off my lawn, it is all your fault. You weren’t alive in the eighties, you don’t understand how godawful they were. Hollywood sells to you, TV markets to you, Radio is dying for you, newspapers were murdered by you, fashion weeps for you, politicians are terrified of you. You are mindless automatons, and you wear what the marketers tell you, you dance like we demand you do, you have no work ethic, you believe you are entitled, you are largely more obese than we ever were.
Teens, you know what? Keep doing what you are doing, because when it is time for my revolutionary army to rise up, I will be able to brainwash you so easily it will make psychiatrists cry.
We are sorry. We are sorry that we made you dress like tramps at 11 years old, we’re sorry we told Disney the formula for selling you music and television (subcategory: Things Disney did to music and television), we’re sorry we market products towards you, we didn’t know you were so weak and shitty. I don’t even think we can save you. Not only are you hormonal and obnoxious (this would be fine, it is natural) but now you get to tell us what movies and music we are going to get sold. I don’t even get why you get to tell us what is popular! You don’t have any money! I have all the expendable income in the world now, and they don’t make stuff for me anymore, because they are designing it for you! I don’t spend my money because I don’t want to buy anything that has been designed for a bunch of retarded hump-monkeys!

The Oughties were awful, and the worst thing about them was what became of teenagers. You poor, hapless, pimply bastards.

If you use the term “Party Cardi” out loud, we will seriously come after you and take a massive handful of sand, and pound it up your ass. Unless you like that sort of thing. In which case, we won’t!

(ED: Today’s article comes from our vast archives. This originally appeared in the July 1910 issue of The Correctness.)

The Correctness is concerned about health issues, as we all are. With all this talk about Hand Washing, we’ve decided to get to the bottom of the issue, to help you avoid any confusion.

CLAIM: Hand Washing can kill germs that make us sick.

We’re not ones to hop on a band-wagon, but there seems to be some validity to this. Earlier this year, Dr. Josephine Baker began program in New York City to educate child care workers about hygiene issues like hand washing. Opponents to her program are claiming that such measures are reducing the need for doctors and health care, and that such a thing will cause a lack of illnesses.

We decided to speak to many of these indidivuals, to hear their complaints. Here is what they had to say:

Dr. Robert Hechler: “Hand Washing won’t stop germs from spreading. In fact, it will make them spread faster. Moving them around with all that water. It’s a disaster waiting to happen”.

Dr. Otto Reichensvold:”Hand Washing hasn’t been tested enough. Do you have any idea what is in SOAP???!!! It has lye in it!!! LYE!!!

Dr. Samuel K Sammail: “Anyone who cares about their bodies should avoid hand washing. There are better ways to destroy germs and stop illnesses, such as applying leeches to one’s parts, and smearing garlic upon the brow of a newborn child. That’s assuming you can find a child who hasn’t died at birth, of course.”

Dr. Frannie Stevenson: “Hand washing doesn’t kill germs. God kills germs.”

Dr. Abner Dulang: “People over the age of 25 are immune to germs, to tell them they need to wash hands is immoral”.

Dr. Harold Buferkin: “This all sounds like an attempt by the government to control the population. Next they’ll be trying to “cure” smallpox.

The Correctness has seen a lot of stupid things in its day, but few more stupid than the recent spate of “alternative remedies” which purport to make you immune to H1N1. Things like “wash your hands”,”gargle with salt water”, and “drink oil of oregano”. Washing your wands is a great practice, and gargling with salt water makes your throat feel nice, they won’t increase your body’s immunity to an airborne virus. Many people are claiming that the H1N1 vaccine is “untested and rushed”. We’re assuming that these same people can point us to the Lanset Journal article on the double-blind study on the efficacy of Oil of Oregano…. We’re still waiting…

In light of this, here are some other things that won’t raise your immunity level.

Eating Tacos at Lunch – Tacos are delicious, and we love them. They combine many of the good things in life. One time, when we were leaving Monterey, we stopped for a burrito, and it was awesome. But it didn’t make us immune to the flu.

Midichlorians- In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t cause H1N1 with their crappy expository existence. Seriously, Lucas, WTF?

Saying Please and Thank You- Again, we fully endorse this behaviour, and being Canadian, we pretty much can’t help it. But our studies haven’t conclusively proved this helps with flu.

Crossing Your Fingers – This one is just bad form. Usually, it’s a sign that you’re attempting to deceive someone, or renege on a deal. Flu can see right through that shit.

Not Feeding it After Midnight- Wait, no, that’s for Gremlins. That one you should listen to, just not for H1N1. Damn, you really thought that?

Using Q-Ray Bracelet- This will be as effective as the Slap Chop, which is to say, not at all. Or maybe that’s just what the military industrial complex WANTS you to believe.

Not Drinking Water with a Meal- The idea of this stopping the flu is much like the idea that you can’t get Syphilis from a hooker as long as you pay her. It’s simply not true.

Introducing Small Pox to the Flu – What? Are you people serious? That not how it works, but, forget it. Look, this is difficult at best, because as we all know, Smallpox was eradicated through the practice of pouring Hydrogen Peroxide in your ears. Oh wait, no, it was through a VACCINE.

At any rate, we wish you well this flu season, and remember, wash your hands, look both ways before crossing the street, and above all else, remember to hang an onion above your door.

Dear Reader:

Some of you have been wondering what exactly has been going on with Canadian cable television? What is this argument between the large cable providers and the networks in Canada? Likely you have seen the advertisements with the sincere looking broadcast school graduates doing their best to represent either side of this issue, whilst also gamely trying to disguise the knowledge they surely must have that, because they accepted the work as the spokespeople for said companies, they will never work in Canada again, for either cable or network television.

Basically, what is happening is this:

Canada is a vast nation that is sparsely populated. Really, to comprehend just how vast is difficult, because so many of us live along the US border, anxiously awaiting an invasion because we still have some clean water. This, by the way, is the reason that we are actively using up all the water we can in the oilsands. If you Americans come for our water, and we have already poisoned it all, first point goes to us. We’ll burn the crops all the way to Moscow, this is just preemptive.

In any case, Canada is huge, and there are literally only 12 advertising dollars to go around, and not that many companies willing to maintain the infrastructure required to build, oh, say, cable towers, or transmitters, or amusing scripts. Canada is a the proud nation of the monopoly. How many phone companies are there really? Well, essentially three, and they also provide cable. Ask about our airlines.

Meanwhile, these telephone companies which also provide cable have bought, sold, and traded ownership of the original Canadian television networks dozens of times over. Evidence of this is in the logos displayed the end of our local news broadcasts, but also in the naming of many sports arenas.

Consequently, some of the monopolies want to blame the other monopolies for costing them money to do things like stuff and things. For this reason, they are running low-production-value attack ads about each other, and have set up tedious websites about how correct their monopoly is compared to how incorrect the other fellow’s monopoly is. These ads are intentionally low-production-value so that you won’t get the impression they could afford do better ads with more sincere spokespeople, and sexier actors pretending to be real people on the street. Who doesn’t trust the man on the street? Only an asshole, they hope! Caveat Vox Populi.

Now, I know strictly speaking, these are not technically monopolies, more like oligarchies, or, if you prefer, a retarded cartel, or “retardtel” which is another telephone company name.

Some of the issues stem around the purchase of American television shows, which all Canadians prefer to watch, because you cats throw crazy dollars at your sit coms, and we have 75 cents. Quality is subjective everywhere, some Americans liked Degrassi, and some Canadians can watch “The Hills” and still sleep at night. Personally, I believe The Hills is responsible for my chronic diarrhea.

Other issues surround the creation of local content, which actually should read “news” because all that hilarious cable-access-local-tv has long since gone by the wayside. So, they say “local content” but they really mean “local news” and having local news gives some broadcasters and some cable networks a chance to redistribute the $12 advertising dollars in Canada somewhat more regionally. There was a time that Canadian television looked a lot like SCTV, and now, it looks a lot like everything else. Oh, and the local news is full of syndicated packages from other stations.

In any case, the CEOs of both the networks who provide “local programming” and the CEOs of the cable companies both have a problem. The $12 in advertising is not enough to pay for the hookers and blow they purchased before the recent financial issues, and now they have already booked appointments for said hookers, and said blow, and being blown by said hookers while sniffing said blow off of said hookers, and this has brought about a moderate financial crunch.

Once the hookers have been hooked, and the blow has been blown, and the TV executives have been blown, they will need to find places to hide the bodies, because they have killed the hookers-This is simply what television executives do. Consequently, they will have to dump the hookers in the ENG vans, or the cable vans, or whatever, and drive them out to the rural site of some kind of transmitting infrastructure, and pay everyone slightly less than $12 to shut up about the whole thing. This makes regionalization a real concern, because if I only have $3 in western Canada to shut up the police, farmers and cell phone tower maintenance guys about my dead hookers and obvious severe coke habit, it is simply not enough.

Luckily, the Canadian taxpayer is being asked to take it up the ass on taxes, or to pay more on their cable bill. Wait, did I say luckily? Oh, I meant “retardtelly”. Fortunately, no matter which side wins, taxes will inevitably go up, and my cable bill will inevitably go up.

Oh, and on a final note, I’m not paying an additional $2 a month for a digital cable box, because you are obligated to provide this service by law in the upcoming years, so it shouldn’t cost me $2. Improve your analogue service first, or, credit me for the shitty analogue service.

I hope that clarifies the Canadian TV issues for you.

I saw a headline once on Yahoo.com that claimed more and more people were turning to the Bible for financial advice.

This is very odd to me. If you found a copy of the Wall Street Journal that was over 2000 years old, would you take the “Hot Stock Tips” or would you find them just a tad out of date?

It also brought up a few more points in my mind…I’m no financial wizard but please bear these in mind before you go rushing to The Book of Isiah for your investment portfolio.

1. If your broker’s advice to you is “Render unto Caesar what is his”, get a new broker.

2. I’m curious to know, what exactly the rate of return is on 30 pieces of silver?

3. Here’s a hot tip, there’s a lumberyard near old Noah’s place that looks to do very promising business this year.

4. If you’ve got your money in Sodom and Gomorrah…SELL!! SELL!

5. “Honor Thy Father and Mother” is not financial advice, just so you know.

6. If you’ve got money in Lazurus Industries Inc…hang on to your stocks, I think they may just come back from the dead.

7. Let him who hath understanding Reckon the Number of the Beast….for it is a human number the Number is six hundred and sixty six…percent interest

8. A little bird told me that Egypt is about to lose major amount of their workforce after an already sharp income downturn thanks to plagues, frogs, locusts, and river blood. Invest accordingly.

9. There’s a good chance of a Bull Market…provided someone doesn’t sacrifice it to God

10. Do unto others…with an interest rate of at least 12%

Even though many of your people have never yet been enticed by the subtle delicacy that is Nerd Love, in time, you will find yourself inexplicably tempted. You will find yourself drawn to nerds like a moth to a plasma stream, or , possibly, a flame. We will draw you in with our intense passion for very specific things, we will draw you in with our charming inability to admit to being wrong about said things, we will draw you in with our extensive collections of things- Come to think of it, I’m not sure what our exact appeal is, but every year more and more non nerdy people find themselves suddenly and inextricably attracted to nerds, and you will need some advice. Oh- even if you didn’t need advice, we are going to give you some advice, rest assured of that if nothing else. Advice will be given, and you can smile quietly to yourself and tell us to go back to our RPGs.
How does one seduce a nerd, you ask yourself? That’s easy. Offer it sex. Did it refuse? It did? In all likelihood, you may have some serious work to do then.

Seducing a Boy Nerd (straight):

This is the easiest type of nerd to seduce. They are likely going to be so grateful that you are showering them with sexy affection that they will do anything- ANYTHING- to please you (see T Binns stand up act circa 2006 to present). Anything. In fact, if you are a gay man trying to seduce a straight nerd might be worth a try, if they didn’t already have strangely specific tastes for Hollywood actresses related to science fiction genre film and television. They don’t know Mila Jovovich doesn’t care who they are, and she might not be passionate about zombies in her real life, they only know she is related to zombies and therefore hot.
In any case, you can seduce them, and bend them to your will somewhat. I say somewhat because there is an argument coming. The inevitability of this argument is so uh, not evitable that it simply cannot be evitablated. If you haven’t done your research, and you cross your boy nerd on something specific, he might be willing to sacrifice the entire relationship to make his point. He might say something so cutting and harsh to you that you will feel stupid for years. There is a savage streak of correctness in most male nerds that defies their social standing. The nerdier the man, the more caustic and critical this argument will be. You will be left feeling so genetically inferior you will do anything to date a dumb jock like you did in high school- someone with pretty eyes who is deeply concerned with their resting heart rate…
One thing that makes it all worthwhile- if you want to be looked at like the single most beautiful creature in the world, and you have always wondered what it would be like to receive a look of pure adoration, kiss that nerd.

Seducing a Boy Nerd (gay):

This is one of those things that should be easy to, in theory. Since the nerd population is so overwhelmingly male, gay men seeking gay nerds should find the nerdy territory easy to navigate. Nerds are used to being not quite accepted by the mainstream, nerds are used to being misunderstood, nerds know the heartbreaking feeling of loving someone you can’t have, the whole nerd thing is totally gay. But, if you are a sexy gay hipster, and you have eased your way into the gay community by developing a taste for sexy gay hipster things like 1940’s cinema, and interior design (stereotypes come from somewhere boys, that’s why everyone thinks I’m gay- well, that and my effete demeanour) you may need to reach into your childhood and access the pop-cultural touchstones that raised you. Surely, Star Trek, with all its messages of tolerance and the trials of love appeals to you? Perhaps something inherently asexual like GI Joe? Find your common ground.
There is a class of gay nerd that really knows musicals. This is one of those delicate sub-nerd genres that leans towards cool in certain circles. You know, like car-nerds, or or baseball-statistic-nerds. God knows, it’s all equally annoying, but these sub-genres require a delicate touch- your nerd might not even be aware he is a nerd!

Seducing a Girl Nerd (Gay or Straight):

If you are attempting to seduce a girl nerd, you will be surprised by several things. One, it will be relatively easy, initially, to be more charming than the competition, and two, there will be an endless supply of lovestruck nerdy suitors (primarily male, no matter how gay your partner may be) trying to outnerd each other for your partner. Boy nerds love girl-nerds, they are the elusive white tigers of a vast forest of, uh, non-white tigers. Your real competition will come when these boy nerds assail your would-be girlfriend with a barrage of inimitable come-ons, some so elaborate you couldn’t believe. Trust me, I know of which I speak here, a nerd with time and a crush is an unstoppable force. Rest assured, they have spent their life savings to spell out your girlfriend’s name in flaming letters made of home-made napalm which they googled the recipe for at the public library to avoid incriminating themselves on their home computers. Your main job isn’t the seduction of your girl nerd, but the defense of her.

A personal story here:

Me: (jokingly)Hey, they make suspension forks for mountain bikes, but they don’t make suspension forks for the dinner table.

Unavailable Girl: What?

Me: I said: they should make suspension forks for the dinner table, you know, to cushion the blow while you cut your steak.

Unavailable Girl: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Me: Oh, it’s been broughten.

1 MONTH LATER

Me: ( Producing a dinner fork with the middle section of the handle removed and replaced with a spring based suspension system I designed myself so the fork handle compressed when you plunged it into food) Here you go.

Unavailable Girl: WTF? Wow.

DO NOT underestimate the seriousness of the nerdy completion. I’ve played the “nice guy” card a billion times, and it’s easy for me because I’m actually a nice guy (see how that works? Build the image, then be prepared to follow through). While I prefer them single and hypothetically available, I have seen many nerds swoop in on your unattended girlfriend, charm her with a dizzying array of colourful objects, poems, and home-made suspension forks, and then after she breaks up with you (ONLY after she breaks up with you) spend one passionate but confusing night with her, only to have her return to you. Such is the way of things.

Well, pitter patter kids, 1/3 of The Correctness is still single and ready to be snapped up! Don’t forget to refer to our article “Nerd Fight” to get advice on ending it when you tire of me!