The Correctness Guide to Practical English Language Usage: Chapter 17: Metaphoric and Especially Simile Construction in the Age of Terror
Dearest Correctness Reader (Marc):
We here at The Correctness have noticed a disconcerting trend in metaphor and simile construction in recent years. We aim here to set the record straight- and you’ll note we just used both a targeting metaphor as well as a police record / trial metaphor (as well as some kind of embedded meta-metaphor about straightness and correctness being associated, but we digress). We do this not because you care, but because we are bored and single again, and we have just had an important birthday and have accomplished virtually nothing of any relevance or lasting significance with our lives (We, of course, are using the “royal we” here, because we are referring to TBinns and Admin_Rock.).
Your Stupid Face: A multi-purpose list of complaints
Dearest Readers:
You know, if you’re just generally angry at everything like I am, especially at Fox “news”, then you are often at a loss, in the moment, to specify what is bothering you about someone or their infuriating statements. How many times have you been enraged but incapable of explaining, at the time, what has enraged you? It happens to me constantly. Once I’ve had a few days to determine what conceptually profane or illogical propaganda disgusts me, I’m too far out of the offending conversation (or news item) to fix things. Climate change doesn’t exist! There is no such thing as poverty! The Bible says you can’t have asian friends! What? None of that makes sense, but I think I’ve heard all of that. Thus, I present to you, a list of multi-purpose complaints that can be printed and kept in your pocket for just such an occasion. You will not have to recall a single detail of the troublesome stupidity you encountered, simply read this statement, and claim your right to be logical later.
I Already Hate The Dark Knight Trilogy, And So Do You
I SUPPOSE there are some SPOILERS in here. You were warned.
Dearest Readers:
In Defense of Prometheus
A Case for Prometheus (With some spoilers)
Okay, it’s about time I took my turn trying to defend something in our nerdy universe that I think you, dear readers, may have misjudged. I think you misjudged Ridley Scott’s Prometheus.
“RobbieRobTown,” you will say, “firstly, where have you been, and secondly, what happened to your brain to make you so retarded?”.
Open Letter to a Customer and a Clerk at Best Buy, and to The Deutsche Grammophon Company
Dear Customer:
I am writing to apologize. While you too were spending your Friday night at the Best Buy perusing BluRay discs, you at least were in the company of two openly nerdy friends, whereas I was alone, and listening in. Also, I was gassy, so if you detected a smell coming from A-D, I was having a reaction to Aeon Flux.
When your two openly nerdy friends (A nerd couple! A rarity!) asked if anyone had seen THX 1138 you described it as weird. This description was apt, and totally fair. I am apologizing because of my unnecessary commentary. Without looking up at any of you, I added, simplistically: “I am forced to agree. It is super weird.”