Dear Municipal Government:

Thank you for the letter you sent me from the Subdivision and Development Appeal Board.  I received your letter regarding a meeting on April 16th. I see the letter is dated April 1st, and you will be glad to know I received it on June 17th.

In any case, despite having missed the meeting which you have scheduled for 2 months ago, I thought that it would be advisable to share my opinion. I will forward this letter to you in 2 months, in deference to the time that your “process” seems to take. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you. I like your folksy style.

You have been kind enough to notify me of a “change of use” application for a development permit on a new liquor store. I see they propose taking over 2 bays of retail space in the building which they have selected. I thank you in advance for awaiting the delivery of this notification 2 months late, and for anticipating my feedback in your as-yet-to-be-made final decision.

I think that we desperately need another liquor store in the densely populated uptown region of our city. There are no fewer than 5 liquor stores in a 4 block radius of my house, and I think another one is just the ticket to help reduce the number of drunken hobos raiding the recycling bins. Of course, you know I am exaggerating, firstly because there are no recycling bins in my community. You saw fit not to install them, lest too many drunken hobos raid the recycle bins for the bottles which build up from the easy access to 5 liquor stores in a 4 block radius. Secondly, you know I am exaggerating because I really mean a half circle when I say radius, as nobody, not even the hobos,  would bother to cross 14th street (if there are more liquor stores over there, that would not surprise me.).

Furthermore, I suspect the franchisees, as well as private owners of the nearby liquor stores are excited to see more healthy competition for a limited market of alcoholic condo dwellers who are unwilling to travel more than 1 block to purchase their wine and spirits. In my building alone, the board has demanded the eviction of well over two people in the last year, all of whom have taken their wild abandon at least as far as the other side of 14th street. This means that in my building, out of which one could easily piss on the nearest large liquor store (and on which vagrants frequently do), the customer base for yet another emporium of booziness is still in the high zeroes, maybe into the low ones.

Not to belabour my point, but I also think another liquor store is a great idea because besides the 5 liquor stores in a 4 block radius of my house, there are virtually no pubs or restaurants that are licensed to serve alcohol. I reiterate: Virtually none, save only about 7 pubs and 25 more restaurants in the same 4 block radius, where a thirsty wanderer could satisfy their need for a frosty and fortifying beverage. I have not counted nightclubs, as they are open at inconvenient hours for early morning drinking.

In any case, felicitations on your commendable planning. I am glad I live in a city that cares about good business practice, recycling, discouraging alcoholism, and preventing homelessness. Mine is not a callous town that values the number of parking stalls per bottle of rye. By the way, how many parking stalls do I require to sell a bottle of rye? I was considering opening up a liquor store.

I heartily endorse a new liquor store. If of no further advantage, it would at least give the crack whore who turns tricks beside my building someplace to buy Alberta Ice Vodka to numb her emotional pain and sanitize her crotch and hands.

Sincerely,

RobbieRobTown

P.S. You have heard correctly, I do not drink, but I do stockpile bottles to make molotov cocktails with, in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Stockpiling also reduces my guilt for not having a place to recycle, and reduces the number of wealthy hobos who would become zombies in the aforementioned zombie scenario.

P.P.S. I am aware that you must fear hobos becoming extremely rich from bottle picking. But just as Horatio Alger would have wished, their only desire is to save enough money to open another liquor store that caters to the needs of their friends.

P.P.P.S. I am also aware that Horatio Alger was rumoured to be a pedophile, but this does not devalue his immensely informative body of work which frequently featured young ne’er-do-wells overcoming adversity and rising to the top, presumably rising to the top of Horatio Alger’s penis. He was a classy fellow. Unitarian Minister, you know. Not even Catholic.

P.P.P.P.S. I am not implying that hobos are pedophiles. I am implying that people in positions of authority, like some authors, or some members of the municipal government, are statistically likely to be pedophiles.  Catholic priests are at a 1:1 ratio, roughly.

Apparently, he’s got one.

On Sunday, the wife and I decided we would head out to the farmer’s market at Currie Barracks. I usually stop in two places there for sure, the place where I get Farmer’s sausage, which is like bacon but 6-8 times the awesome, and Simple Simon Pies, which are 6-8 times more awesome than that, even.

I was proudly wearing my Correctness T-shirt at the time. Not so much in an effort to advertise, as it was part of my life long quest to associate myself with something that has a logo. When I stopped at the sausage place, a sprightly young lass behind the counter said “Oh my God, WHERE did you GET That SHIRT?”

“Uh we made it” I said, confused. I was focused on sausage at the time, any distraction at that point would send me reeling.

“I love that site. It’s like crack to me.” she said.

Well, how could I do anything but beam at this point?

“Oh, well, I’m a writer for the correctness, I’m Tbinns.” I said, trying to sound humble and waiting for the wave of adulation that would surely follow.

“oooohhhh.” She said.

Now, let’s discuss that “Ohhhhh” for a moment, because the tone of this “Ohhhh” is important.

This was not “ooohhhhhh that’s so great.” Nor was it an “ooohhhh that makes sense why you’d have the shirt.” Or even “oooohhh I have seen the face of pure comedy at last, I am now complete as a human being.”

This was the kind of “oooohhh” that usually follows the sentence “My cat just died.” The kind of “ooohhh”that is traditionally followed by “That’s too bad” or “I’m sorry” or “ I guess we aren’t going to the zoo today and having ice cream.” It was a pungent and heady mix of sympathy and disappointment.

“I’m more of a Robbie Robtown girl.” She said.

And that was the end of that little trip to Egotown

I was chatting to her about how I too was a fan of Rob’s work , all the while basking in the irony that someone who sells giant sausage just emasculated me in that way. But she was a very pleasant girl (I think her name was Amanda) and we chatted a bit about Comic –con, and whether or not she would be inclined to purchase said shirt, and how she thinks she met Rob once but wasn’t sure…etc.

She took a break in her abject Rob worship long enough to sell me some sausage, we said our goodbye’s and said once again how much she enjoyed the blog.

Now, Rob, as you loyal readers know, is the only single member of the Correctness. This encounter with one of his ,I am assuming numerous, female fanbase got me thinking we should probably take advantage of his internet fame in the time honored way most people do, and at least try to hook a brother up.

That’s why I am officially announcing, without his knowledge or consent, the WIN A DREAM DATE WITH ROBBIE ROBTOWN CONTEST!

Don’t worry about the whole him not agreeing to this at all thing…Dave and I are bigger than he is, he’ll damn well do as he’s told.

The contest is open to anyone, even males (I think it’s time we broadened his horizons) to enter, just tell us what your dream date with Robbie Robtown might entail. Feel free to add poo jokes. He likes those. Contest Closes August 1st.

The winner gets a night out on the Robbie Robtown!

Oh, and unlike our previous contest, we will totally follow up and actually give out the prize. And by totally, we mean probably. And by probably we mean hopefully. And by hopefully we mean don’t hold your breath, but it might happen someday.

Good Luck…and thanks for the sausage Amanda.

(Please note contest not open to Rob’s family, or residents of Quebec. Although sex is implied it is not guaranteed, The Correctness is not to be held responsible if all he wants to do is cuddle and talk about his day)

Dear Correctness Readers:

We get it, you don’t always have time for the full impact of our 3000 word rambles, especially when it’s just a poop joke. Consequently, I have been publishing microfiction via twitter. Here are eleven of them, in no particular order:

1. Predicated entirely on her familiarity with Jane Austen, Eloise married the first male homeowner who stumbled into her punji stick pit.

2. Loneliness consumed him as he looked across the barren, nuclear wasteland and realized he was, almost certainly, the last ventriloquist.

3. “Wait a minute.” Thought Cortez, “This doesn’t look like the muffin I put down here.” He turned to the crew. “Who took my fucking muffin?”

4. Confronting his worst fear, Cory felt around in the darkness for the hammer. His hand settled on something soft and sticky- CUPCAKES!

5. Undaunted by the pitch of the ascent, Louise gathered what rope she could. Intent on reaching the peak by dusk, she missed her pill again.

6. A hush settled on them like a careworn quilt, as dusk hinted at stars. They smelt only lilac, and freshly turned soil from a shallow grave.

7. Though the scientific community was critical of her work, and the United Nations disapproved, she still felt her “Abortion Ray” had merit.

8. “Is this what you think love is? Answer me!” she screamed, but the awkward silence remained between them. Finally, her cat simply went away.

9. Though the thought of taking a social dance class left him brimming with revulsion, there was at least one advantage to all this: No Frank.

10. “Hold on, everybody! Fuck the presses! Fuck the presses!” he shouted into the printing room. Lou stopped and turned. Surely he meant “stop”?

11. After 35 years of marriage, Tina knew everything about Ed. Though, sometimes in life the contours of a man’s ballsack should be a mystery.

You can follow the moody and deeply mysterious Robbie  “Maudlin” Robtown on Twitter: @robbierobtown or visit him on the webs:  http://twitter.com/RobbieRobTown

Thanks to my near toxic levels of geekiness I’ve won a fair amount of Star Wars shit over the years. When Return of the Jedi was coming out, I won passes to see the sneak preview one day before it opened. It was at the Palace Theatre, an old Vaudeville house with popcorn grease permanently embedded in the walls, a beautiful balcony, a huge screen and big old echoing Dolby speakers. It has since turned into a Calgary Flames themed nightclub where the very douchebags I was trying to escape from flock to in droves. The equivalent , I suppose, of invaders looting your place of worship and ransacking it before turning it into their place of worship (See, the Crusades, The Moors in Spain, The Ottoman Turks etc.)

But I digress.

When the Original Trilogy was re-released there was a Star Wars themed store called Star Wares that had an nigh impossible trivia contest. My buddy Tom and I won, and split the prize, a complete set of Star Wars “Power of the Force” Action figures. I have since bought him out and have the whole set. I have kept them in their packages, but the price guides tell me they are worth pretty much nothing. That’s okay If I end up having a son in December, he’s going to have one hell of a 7th Birthday gift.

Which leads me to the story of how I won passes to Episode Three before it opened. The herald had a contest for passes, you had to demonstrate how big a Star Wars fan you were . I sent them the following, which had been my voicemail for some months proceeding the contest. (Working in a sound studio has some advantages) I recently had this dug up out of the archives here at work, so I thought I’d pass it on to you.

Enjoy.

Tony's Voice Message [ 0:01 ] Play Now | Play in Popup

P.S. More Trivia in the line up, won more prizes, including Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, which no one will play with me because they are cowards.

Well I have watched my very last Last Comic Standing. Ever.

Last night was the absolute final straw.

It’s pretty common knowledge that reality shows are far more controlled and scripted than they would have you believe, and Last Comic Standing is generally considered one of the worst. The auditions are a sham, you have to be invited by the producers to be taken seriously. Your act is edited to make it appear how they want you to, the judges are basically set dressing, and most of the acts that make it through are on the roster of executive producer/manager Barry Katz. They favour personality over talent (or if you look at the previous winner, they are also keen on a magnificent rack)

I can think of two big reasons why she probably didn't have to stand in line very long

They are after all casting a show, not running an ACTUAL talent contest. There have been lots of blogs written about this very subject, here’s one of them if you are interested.

I knew all this going in, and I still watched it. I avoided it at first out of resentment, as I pitched a stand up reality show, only to be told a) I wasn’t attractive enough to host it, and b) it didn’t matter anyway, because there was no market for it. Seven months later, Last Comic Standing. To be clear, I’m not suggesting they stole it, I’m suggesting the producer I pitched it to was very wrong about there not being a market for it.

But despite this I found that I did end up watching it sporadically, because I am a stand up comedian and curiosity got the better of me. Plus I often spotted friends and acquaintances in the audition reel, so it was kind of fun to watch it for that.

I stuck with it when the brilliant and talented Sean Lecomber didn’t make it through.

I stuck through it when the laid back and also quite brilliant Sean Cullen was voted off

I stuck through it when I saw people I knew get only HALF of their joke out , then to have the camera cut away to a “judge “ rolling their eyes in the “These people suck” montage.

This season I even stuck it out through the annoying stick thin judge and her braying laugh washing over terribly unfunny jokes.

In spite of EVERYTHING I still watched the show.

Until last night.

The auditioner was a guy in a mascot costume. I recognized it right away as one of the one eyed creature things from the Despicable Me ads I had seen traipsing across the bottom of my screen.

He said nothing, and the judges pretended to be confused, not knowing what was going on..then Skinny McAnnoyinglaugh picks up a sheet of paper and says

“It says here you are a Minion from…”

Click.

Turned the channel. Never to return.

It’s not bad enough there is far more ad time than show to begin with, plus whatever it is they scroll across the screen at the bottom, now they have to make THE ACTUAL CONTENT ADVERTISING?

Despicable you indeed.

It is just greedy corporate thinking and an absolute insult to my intelligence as a viewer. I can totally picture someone devoid of a soul or a sense of humor in a boardroom pitching this saying “Yeah, the judges can riff for a little bit, make it funny, we’ll get some promo, it’ll be great. Tell em to do it.”

No. No No No. Are they even TRYING anymore? I don’t expect a “reality” show not to be a corrupt, fixed, corporate entity…but I DO expect them to make a little effort to HIDE it better!

If you don’t HIDE it…you are saying to me the viewer “Fuck you, you are an idiot anyway. Just take the product placement and LIKE it, Bitches. By the way, we already know who is going to win, these people outside are only here so we can get a shot of them lined up.”

I turned immediately to Craig Ferguson who was interviewing a “Miss Normal Girl” pageant winner with a foul mouthed bunny puppet. It was ten times more intelligent and twenty times funnier.

Do you hear that Last Comic Standing? A guy with 1/10th your budget, WINGING it with a HAND PUPPET he probably bought at the fucking MALL was way more entertaining than you.

Hamlet has a quote in it about lust sating itself in a celestial bed and preying on garbage. That’s what we are doing. Reality TV, Pop music, tabloid journalism, it’s all garbage and we continue to eat it up. I’m not saying everyone should be watching Masterpiece Theatre (although every once in awhile wouldn’t hurt) but the more we let them insult our intelligence the more they will do it.

The line will be drawn here.

I’m starting with no more Last Comic Standing… who’s with me?

This week we explored a different (though in many ways familiar) tack. The poll question pitted Han Solo vs Indiana Jones, in a fistfight.

68% of you chose Indy, the vastly superior choice. Had we allowed other weapons, things would be different, but for our dollar, Indy has far more drive, ingenuity, and sheer determination. Plus, he’d probably cheat. Han can talk the talk, but he’s a bit less of a sure thing when push comes to right hook.

But perhaps the real winners here, based on my wife’s reaction while I was writing this: The ladies.

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Dear Correctness Readers:

Here is a quote from our Provincial Culture Minister Lindsay Blackett who is attending the internationally important Banff Television Festival.

“I sit here as a government representative for film and television in the province of Alberta, and I look at what we produce, and if we’re honest with ourselves … I look at it and say, ‘Why do I produce so much shit? Why do I fund so much crap?’”

So, fans, we were ready to be indignant with everybody else, but then we had a long hard discussion at lunch: How much Canadian TV was truly great?

So we put it to you, our local and international fans: Was Lindsay Blackett being a total  douchehammer, or just a painfully honest douchenozzle? Is he a complete cockpunch, or just a minor dicktwist?

How great or ungreat is Canadian TV?

Here is a list we generated:

People love Corner Gas, but they also love Air Farce…

Anne of Green Gables miniseries?

SCTV?

Degrassi? We don’t even know how we feel about Degrassi…

Kids in The Hall?

One of those “win $17″ Canadian gameshows?

The Raccoons?

Beachcombers?

The Littlest Hobo?

For locals: Kingo Bingo?

Heap your abuse below:

We interrupt the Correctness for a special announcement. I, Tbinns, one of your fearless Correctians is going to be a father.

Let the buying of ridiculous Star Wars themed baby shit begin!

We now return to your regularily scheduled rant, already in progress.

The Correctness is a website that’s only about comedy, you think. But, remember, you also thought that Stonewash denim was a good idea, and that Uggs were awesome. You were wrong. The Correctness plays many important roles in your life. One of them is to provide replacements for disappointing films. Today, we tackle the mess that is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

1) As the point of the exercise is to Correct, any mockery of the source material must be relevant, on point, or incredibly funny.*

*(Or otherwise- RRT)

2) No new characters are allowed, unless justification for their necessity can be made. Existing characters may be removed.*

*(Except for RRT)

3) Any solutions provided, by The Correctness or comment posters, are subject to ridicule and nitpicking.

4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.

DAVE: Let’s start out by putting a few things on the table. I LOVE Indiana Jones. Always have. I was in grade 3 or 4 when Raiders came out, and I was disappointed when my parents went to see it with friends, and determined I couldn’t go for a few years. (They were right, it’s filled with some pretty frightening images. When I show it to my 6 year old son, I have to be on the ball to skip over the body of Alfred Molina, as well as Mr. Face Melt at the end. Mostly, he just wants to see the boulder scene, after which he demands we play the LEGO Indiana Jones game for the Wii.)

In fact, one of the first articles I wrote for The Correctness was about whether there should be an Indy 5 (which is now in pre-production, apparently we’re heading to the Bermuda Triangle.)

I’m certainly in the minority when I share my feelings about the 2nd and 3rd films. That is to say that Temple of Doom isn’t nearly as awful as most people seem to think, and that on the whole, it’s much stronger than the disappointing Last Crusade. I think the Eastern subject matter, as well as Kate Capeshaw’s screaming is responsible for the criticism of Temple. It does have Indy’s best sidekick by far, and some great action sequences. Last Crusade is simply a gong show, with the introduction of Sean Connery as Indy’s dad giving the film a light hearted direction which doesn’t help anyone. Sallah goes from being a stalwart capable man to a bumbling fool, as does Marcus Brody. The villains are Nazis (AGAIN?), and many of the story beats are retreads of things from the first two films. The best villain in the film is the dude who gives Indy his hat, and that’s over in about 15 minutes.

But I digress. I really, really, really wanted to love Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but as I watched, it became apparent that they were trying to recapture the magic, and failing terribly. Actually, my first thought was “This is like watching my dad go an adventure.” I like my dad a lot, but he’s maybe a bit old for that kind of thing. There were moments of pure Indy, the chase inside the warehouse was great, and the cemetery scene was good as well. But for every one of those, we had a “nuking the fridge”, or “swinging through the jungle”. The other thing that still bugs me is the idea that the guardians of the temple near the end just hang out inside the walls for months on end, waiting, hoping against hope, that someone will come along.

So: How to fix Crystal Skull?

First things first, as much as I hate to admit it, Harrison Ford is too damn old. No one wants to see their grandpa adventuring. So we need to recast him with someone slightly younger. Someone in their 40′s (because we’re doing a movie from the 50′s, as opposed to an earlier Indy story.) Should be someone who can pull off swagger and bravado. We’ll save the actual casting for a “Casting Couch” article. Same goes for Marion. It’s not an ageism thing, but I want Indy to look capable of pulling off the stunts and the physical exertion.Shia LeBoeuf can stay. He was fine. The movie had his character doing some stupid shit, but he himself was not a problem.

The opening can stay intact, except we lose the cutesy gophers. The soldiers arrive at the base, and roll Indy and Mack out of the trunk. They go inside the warehouse and force Indy to find the skeleton. Mac reveals himself to be a traitor, and the scene plays out the same, with Indy escaping on the high speed rail. Only this time, he doesn’t end up in the test site. He watches it unfold from a distance.

Back at the University, Dr Jones’ class is interrupted by a brash young man who enters, leaving an envelope on the desk, while he makes eyes at a few of the girls in the front row. He leaves, and Jones goes to follow him, demanding an answer. However, Jones is met at the door by officials of the US Govt, who want to talk him about the Area 51 event. There is an interrogation, during which Indy’s loyalty is questioned. After much argument, he is released, but followed. He heads back to the university, and opens the letter. Realizing his friend is in danger, he immediately makes plans to head to Peru. At the airport, we see US Agents, as well as Mutt, following Indy. In a brief action sequence, he loses the agents, grabs Mutt, and gets him on the plane as well. During the flight, Mutt explains the background on Oxley.

The Asylum and Cemetery scenes stay intact, except that after they leave Peru, we have a brief scene with the US Agents arriving late to the game, and figuring out where Jones went from the ticket agents. They themselves are being followed by shadowy figures.

Indy and Mutt arrive in Brazil, following clues they have gleaned from Oxley’s letters and the info in both the asylum and the cemetery. They hire equipment, and make their way towards Akator. We have a scene at night by the campfire, in which Indy and Mutt begin to bond, as Mutt tells Indy stories about Oxley, and what it was like growing up in the midst of his genius and madness. Jones tells Mutt that in the morning, they’ll reach the temple. Without warning, the camp is attacked by the Us Agents, in an attempt to capture Jones. Jones and Mutt escape in to the jungle, where they are surprised to find the Russians (who have been following the Americans.) They are brought back to the camp, and Spalko, Mac, and her men attempt to get the location of the temple from Indy. He refuses. They threaten to shoot him. He refuses. They bring out Mutt, and threaten to shoot him. Mutt tells Indy not to tell them. They then bring out Marion Ravenwood, to Indy’s shock. They hold a gun to her head, and ask for the location again. Indy is about to tell them, when Mutt grabs a branch from the fire, and attack the guard holding Marion. A fistfight ensues, joined by the American agents. During the struggle, Indy grabs Marion and Mutt, and they escape.

As they trek through the jungle, we have a scene where Indy discovers that Mutt is his son. The morning arrives, and the adventurers stumble out of the jungle to the top of the Akator structure. As in the film, it’s determined that removing the sand opens the temple. They head in to the temple, and discover a room filled with treasures. They enter the “final chamber”, and see Oxley, sitting in the centre of the room, babbling incoherently. He’s trying to return the skull, but can’t sort out the proper method of approaching the throne. Each time he does, he is knocked back. Indy reads the markings on the wall, and realizes that Oxley can’t return the skull because he’s been using the wrong approach, and that the skull belongs to young child alien. Indy explains the correct way to approach. At this point, Spalko and the soldiers arrive. Spalko takes the skull, and uses the correct path. But she is greedy and angry and impure, and the throne rejects her, destroying her with mystical energy. The same fate awaits the soldiers. The room is sealed, and threatens to tear itself apart. Indy grabs the skull, and starts down the path. Marion realizes the problem, and grabs the skull from Indy, walking down the path. She opens her mind, and the throne realizes that Marion is also a mother, and that she has no ill intent. It accepts the skull, returning it the child skeleton. The door opens, and Marion tells them they need to leave. They head out, as the temple begins to shift. As they exit, they see the ship bury itself further in the earth, the ground above it becoming hills and thick jungle.

Indy is pleased that the Russians didn’t get the ship, but has nothing to show for his adventure. Mutt pulls out a piece of parchment he grabbed on the way out. Indy realizes it’s a map showing the location of an island that could very well be Atlantis.

End with wedding scene as in film.

Damn, that was long. Sorry.

Rob:

I swear to you, I have not seen Crystal Skull, and consequently, I am in the perfect position to fix it.

( I was not allowed outside during those years: see: all previous references to my ex.)

Fist of all (And I mean “fist”, and not “first”, because that is how I feel about seeing this film), Indiana Jones is very clearly a Hanna Barbera cartoon. Indy obviously requires the assistance of a Scrappy Doo, a Bam Bam, one or both Wonder Twins, an Orbity, or any other foolishly conceived youthful sidekick.  Shia LaBeouf, who is a digitally created character, is nearly the perfect choice for this whimsical animated children’s series. Many have compared LaBeouf to Jimmy Stewart,  who is said to have that same “everyman quality”. Indeed, LaBeouf has that everyman quality precisely because he was composited from every single man on earth. The resulting digital map was used to create the most average actor of all time.  LaBeouf would have kid appeal in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, but I have a better idea.

How about this:

Indy goes on an archeological adventure in the jungle.  Upon rescuing an implausibly young, widowed mother of three from a giant spider, or a giant ape, or a tribe of giant ape-spiders, Indy feels compelled to marry this sad but beautiful (also, young) woman, and help raise her family. Also, this woman has a giant rack- like a gonzo Reno stripper rack, like, it’s kind of gross to look at but you have to keep watching it, because it’s like a freakshow. And the eldest daughter, at 17, also has an implausible rack. Might as well slap some enormous tits on the young boys too.

On a nonstop musical road trip in their converted bus, “Papa Jones and His Singing Indies” dance, play  and jiggle their way into the hearts of the world, until one fateful day, while touring in Antarctica, they are sucked down into a Lost World.

In a strange prehistoric land, The Singing Indies stumble across a wounded triceratops who happens to speak English. Not only does this gruff dinosaur named “Trike” speak English, but he also plays the most rock-steady drums this side of the stone age. Also, his rack, while scaly, is pretty big too.

Winning over the hearts and minds of an entire prehistoric world with their family oriented Christian rock, Papa Indy establishes a school for dinosaurs, and his hot wife and daughter bathe a lot.  They all go on many adventures, and Trike eventually gets a spin off series in which he becomes an AM DJ on the Above-World, and adopts a family of Catholic College girls with extraordinary racks. Trike gives them fatherly advice, and they all take their tops off a lot.

How am I doing so far. Better than Crystal Skull? Is my satirical intent clear? I will finally watch Indy 4 when they digitally remove Shia LaBeouf from every last frame.

TONY

First of all, I would like to say that Crystal Skull is not as bad as people seem to think it is.

It has deeply, deeply flawed moments to be sure, but nothing that can’t be fixed. It’s not a disaster of Episode One like proportions

Secondly, (Admin Rock I’m looking at you. ) to replace Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones is insane. You know why I didn’t watch Young Indiana Jones Chronicles? Because it didn’t have Harrison Ford in it, it wasn’t Indiana Jones.

Either deal with an older Indy…or do without.

HERE’S WHAT HAS TO GO

1. Nuke The Fridge: Now let’s be fair, straining credulity is not new to the franchise. Technically we should be no more uncomfortable with this than we were with getting your heart ripped out and still living, flying from track to track in a mine car, jumping out of an airplane in a life raft, then swooshing down a mountain side, over a waterfall and then to safety. It’s all total bullshit.

However, for some reason this seems to cross a line. I think it’s the enormity of a nuclear explosion that finally triggers our “OH COME ON!!!” response. Or maybe it’s just the fact that we aren’t watching these as kids anymore. Either way, I think the fight scene and the rocket escape were good enough…in the grand scheme of things the nuclear blast didn’t really serve any function anyway, apart from trying to raise the stakes again. Although I think they should totally nuke Buster in a lead lined fridge on Mythbusters

2. Monkeys. : Raiders Monkey= Awesome, Crystal Skull Monkeys =embarrassing. That HAS to be a George thing, it has to.

“The Monkeys look like greasers, so they decide en masse to help Mutt. Because of his hair.”

“But George, I think…”

“GREASER MONKEYS!!!!”

“Okay, okay, settle down…”

3.Sword fight : The kid having an interest in fencing to justify the swordfight is lame. They can find a different way to fight that would be just as exciting without having to resort to an actual, barely justifiable swordfight.

3. “I’m a double agent, no I’m not, yes I am, wait no I’m your pal” 1980 Indy would have shot him after the first turn, I’m not sure why 2007 Indy didn’t
4. “Here, grab this snake, I’ll haul you out” Ugggh…just ughhhh.

But having said that, the Warehouse sequence is great, the fight scene in the ravenous ants was inspired, the scenes in the graveyard with the blowdarts was classic Indy. I even liked the motorcycle chase. I liked the idea that Indy was O.S.S, I liked the fact that Marion was back. I didn’t HATE Shia LaBouef.

And I did not have the slightest problem with the inter-dimensional beings macguffin it is NO WORSE than having a centuries old knight that’s still alive, or Deus Ex Ark that wipes out your bad guy problem for you..

So my solution to make it better would be to lose what I listed above, maybe write one more really good action piece in its place, give Marion a little more to do, maybe bring in Kasdan to do punch up on the dialogue and bingo. I think you’ve got a good little Indy movie.

Having said all that…don’t make another one.