Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: The Final! Doom Vs Magneto. A couple of old European dudes scrapping it out for supremacy of the world.

DAVE: First of all, I want to thank all of our regular readers for their comments and input. As you know, we do this sort of thing for fun, thanks to those of you who play along. This bracket turned out to be much more troubling than the Hero one, more issues with mismatches, etc. But this week, we have a battle worthy of the ages: Doom vs Magneto.

At first glance, this one seems like it might be an easy one for Magneto, what with his ability to create wormholes, and turn giant bullets around from a few galaxies away. (Seriously Marvel? WTF?) I suppose next issue we’ll find out that Magneto is also able to raise the dead, turn himself into Stan Lee, and become an Avenger (everyone else is doing it, why not.) I mean, they let Spider-Man become an Avenger, because that made sense! Sure, the greatest loner in the Marvel Universe, though known for his team-ups with a single other hero, that’s a guy who we need in the Avengers. Oh wait, you know who else would be AWESOME? Wolverine!!!! He’d be a great Avenger. Seriously, folks, this entry is precariously close to becoming a rant on how much utter cack the current Marvel universe has become. Must…back…away…

Ok, so Magneto has the wormhole thing, the turning bullets thing, and what else… Oh, power over magnetism and magnetic fields. How the f&*k has this guy not taken the planet over yet?

And then there’s Doom. He has magic, formidable mental control, and the ability to build anything he needs for a particular fight. Oh, and a time machine. (Wait, what? Yep. Oh, and he was able to rebuild himself at the molecular level… Seriously Marvel? And people make fun of DC? I don’t get it.)

So guy with a time machine vs guy with a wormhole. One guy can rearrange things at a sub-atomic level (Really? Magneto. F*&k you Marvel!), the other can take on the Beyonder (uh huh, we’re that old).

This is less fun by the minute. It went from being a slugfest between repulsors and helmets to being a battle of physics.

So, my gut says, that no matter how wormhole/sub-atomic/personal sheildish Magneto is feeling, Doom is his better intellectually, as well as the fact that Doom is a little crazy, with a whole lot of arrogance. Doom shows up to the fight wearing some non-ferrous armor, combined with a device that renders any manipulation of anything inside of the suit impossible. (He’s Doom, it’s possible). He then summons up a few thousand demons to surround Magneto and they, waiting until he eventually drops his shield, eat his face and devour his soul. Of course, Magneto eventually recovers from this to re-appear, though without any memory of the incident. And the Fantastic Four arrive afterwards to defeat Doom using the power of quick thinking, teamwork, and familial love.

Winner: Dooooooooom

Tony

This is it.

This is going to be epic!!!

This particular smackdown series was guilty of a few mismatches, but THIS one is going to wreck the arena. Possibly the city.

The first issue we need to address is the armour. It’s loaded with a plethora of useful powers and Doom is not going to head into battle without it.

However, if you think for a second that he’s going to show up to this fight WITHOUT taking the proper precautions, be it a ceramic version of the armour, some sort of magical protection or de magnetization process you are just flat out wrong. So let’s stifle that “He just crushes the guy in the metal armour” shit right now

Any oddsmaker is going to give Doom the edge here, because of magic, the great intangible but counting out one of the most powerful and dangerous mutants in the Marvel Universe is a HUGE mistake.

So here is how I see this going down.

Doubtless, this whole thing will start with the two of them spending an inordinate amount of time trying to get the other guy to bow down to them.

“Acknowledge your better! Bow to Homo Superior, or be destroyed”

“Kneel before DOOM and your precious mutant-kind will be spared”

This is likely to go on for a good 20 minutes or so. Both of these guys like to talk, especially about bowing, kneeling and surrendering, subjects which they are both very keen on.

Suddenly, Magneto brings 2 large sections of the stands, people and all, crashing down around Doom. Doom is protected by his force field but people are screaming, and panicking, overwhelming Doom…momentarily. Then he utters an incantation and everyone freezes. One more incantation and the stand’s /mass of humanity gets blasted aside…and Doom is free.

“You’ll have to do better than that, mutant!”

“I shall…”

Magneto rips the very ground from beneath Doom’s feet, But Doom (Via magic or technology, at this point in the mad panic, it’s hard to tell) Doom simply hovers above it.

Beams fire from Doom’s Gauntlets…miraculously penetrating Magneto’s shield. Magneto screams in pain as Doom laughs. He lands a short distance away from the writhing Magneto, gloating and indulging in that arrogance that has so often been his undoing. He forces Magneto to his knees

But then…Magneto starts to laugh…

“And, what, may I ask is so amusing?”

“It…was…a…mistake…”

“Fighting Doom is always a mistake, my friend”

“No…your mistake…letting…me …live…”

“Careful mutant, that is a decision I have not yet made…”

“You did…the…last…time…we…met…”

That’s when Magneto turns a particular shade of vibrant blue, and starts to look significantly hotter.

That’s also when the ENTIRE BROTHERHOOD of mutants comes barreling in.

Magneto has been hiding, using his powers from a distance and making it look like Mystique was doing it. Sure, it’s supposed to be a one on one contest, but who said villains have to play fair? Besides, Magneto is very much of the “By any means necessary” school.

Now Magneto rises up from hiding, floating in the air, his voice booming

“Call me “MUTANT” one more time and it will be the last word you ever say!!!”

Doom touches his wrist.

Thousands of Doombots come flying in. The Mutants attack…the Doombots attack. It’s absolute chaos. The entire city is engulfed in battle. Wormholes, rifts in the time space continuum, portals to other dimensions, demons, aliens, you name it that shit is going down.

The mutants are starting to get the edge on the Doombots…Doom knows he needs to finish this…but that’s when Magneto pulls out his secret weapon. Miles away, Charles Xavier…decides to intervene on behalf of his old friend, not wishing to see him come to any kind of permanent harm. He is Magnetos insurance policy…his ace in the hole.
Xavier sends a crippling blast directly into Doom’s brain.

Too bad Doom modified his armor to repel such attacks the same way Magneto’s helmet does.

Magneto gets banished to a parallel dimension, and sealed in good and tight.

The winner: DOOM!!

(PS yes, this whole scenario kind of depends on Mystique being allowed to live…but I’m sure Magneto could find other ways to do the old bait and switch if he had to)

Rob:

This is going to be one hell of a fight. We have two greats of the Marvel Universe: Doctor Doom and Magneto. Both were created by Lee and Kirby, and both have survived beyond Stan Lee’s implausible dialogue. I think it was an aesthetic thing, like the Gilmore Girls… I think…

Our first finalist is Magneto, who is the mightiest mutant. He can magnetically control thing that aren’t even metal. In Fact, in X-Men 1, he uses dust particles in the air to spell out a message for the X-Men to read. Dust is largely non-ferromagnetic, and this clearly demonstrates that Magneto has the power to control all matter, except when inconvenient to the narrative.

The real terror of Magneto comes not from his primary x-tra power. No, it comes from two sources, please note the images below:

Magneto has the power of immense crotch to back him up. Just look at all that crotch! Miles and miles of beachfront crotch.  Just imagine the X-men trying to storm that crotch! Just imagine Storm trying to storm that crotch. Now imagine Storm trying to storm Jean Grey’s crotch. Now, back to the regularly scheduled crotch. Unparalleled vistas of purple crotch! Doom has no such pants-majesty, but all must kneel before the pants-majesty of Magneto!  An immense frosty tundra of waist girth! A cosmic expanse of trouser fabric!

In addition, Magneto has the ability to hide himself behind his own dialogue bubbles. This would make him nearly impossible to hit with an attack. How do you aim your attack through a gigantic white shield of dialogue? Answer: You can’t, and even if you could, Magneto is still demonstrating his immense pelvic fortitude.

Our other finalist is Doctor Doom. Doom has been tested again and again by a team of superheroes comprised of a Bic lighter, a pet rock, a rubber band, and yet another transparent woman. Three out of four of Doom’s nemeses can be found in my top desk drawer, and the fourth I keep in an elastic band ball on top of my desk.

Reed Richards (ball of twine) and Victor Von Doom (of the Latvarian Dooms) were college roomies. But one night, an explosion came from Doom’s dormitory. If you haven’t tuned into PBS’s “Dooms Dormitory” on Saturday mornings, it is presented commercial free, with occasional seasonal pledge drives. $50 gets you a mug, and $100 gets you a mug and THE INEVITABILITY OF YOUR HIDEOUS DEATH! If you loved Blue’s Clues, you’ll love Doom’s Dormitory! Here’s an excerpt:

THEME:

Doctor Doom, Doctor Doom,

Tremble at the name of Doctor Doom.

He’s hidden a robot in your room,

That wacky, no good, Doctor Dooooom!

Doom: [to camera] Good! Good! You are all here in my mighty stronghold. Do not attempt to change the channel, or I shall push this button, unleashing Cuddles, my pet Tiger!

Cuddles: Meow meow moew meow, Doctor Doom!

Reed Richards: Who drank all the milk?

Doom: It was I, Richards! Without milk you will be unable to defeat even the weakest of heroes, Captain Crunch!

Richards: And who filled up the TiVo with basesballs games?

Doom: You know what a fan I am of the Seattle Sub-Mariners! And I hypnotized the entire girl’s dorm to make them think you are gay!

Richards: [shaking his fist] Dooooooom!

Doom: Indeed! [to camera again] Now, my robot servant at your local PBS affiliate will read you a list of items up for charitable auction! I command you to bring your parents into the room because even now I am sucking the oxygen out of the rest of the house!

Cuddles: Meow meow meow meow, Reading Rainbow, meow.

Doom: AS WAS FORETOLD BY THE PROPHECY!

[Doom departs in a helicopter shaped like a shark]

Honestly, it’s one hell of a show. Tune in.

When it comes down to the battle, we are left with this conundrum: Is it useful this issue to have Magneto be able to control all matter in the known universe, or only ferromagnetic materials?  As well, is Doom’s magic, and control of incomprehensible arcane forces enough to make Magneto feel all creeped out?

Doom steps into his time machine to kill Magneto at birth. Magneto, sensing this possibility, creates a gravity well through which he may also travel back in time. In Hill Valley during 1956, Magneto crushes Doom inside of his DeLorean. But was it Doom? No! It was a robot! Doom is safely in the future, years after Magneto’s death,  but Magneto travels there to find him! In the future, Doom has created an army of Mystique clones based on his one time meeting with her in the semi finals, and now everybody is either a Doom robot, or a Doom mystique clone. Magneto, who is no dummy, has redirected a space bullet that was fired in our time from it’s course across the universe, and timed it perfectly so it would arrive in the future.

Doom, prepared for the ol’ redirected space bullet ploy, opens up an interdimensional gate, releasing one of the terrifying Elder Gods onto Magneto.  But Magneto suspected such a thing might happen, and he brought a can opener, and some twizzlers!

On and on this battle rages, with two mighty foes smashing almost injuring each other, only to have the other one be prepared for it! How can such a battle be decided? Coin flip!

Heads, Doom. Crotch, Magneto:

It is Crotch.

Winner: Magneto!

Also Winner in an alternate timeline: Doom!

Winner for our purposes based on a Canadian $1 coin: Magneto!

So there it is gang…Doom takes the whole shebang 2-1. Thanks so much for joining us…and while your at explaining to us in great detail why we are wrong…why not take a moment to suggest a smackdown you’d like to see. Mega Power smackdown, with Galactus and the Beyonder? Movie Hero Smackdown, Indy vs. James Bond? Or more Superheroes and villains to cover the ones we have missed? We’d love to hear your suggestions.

Thanks again to the folks at Fark, and to you dear reader, who keep coming back despite disagreeing with us so vehemently.

Hey, while you are here, do us a favor and take a look around, would ya? We’re more than just dreadfully uninformed comic book pundits you know.

Dear Dickhole:

All I was trying to do was buy a superhero T Shirt at a comic book convention. Let me recap our conversation for you:

You: (plausibly friendly) Does anyone need a hand with anything?

Me: Yes, actually, I could use a hand. I don’t suppose you have any shirts in a size small?

You: (turning slightly) No Man, we never do, we just never – not at the conventions.

Me: Oh. I see. But you have an online store, is that right?

You: (getting douchey) Yeah, but you’ll never bother me there.

Me: I beg your Pardon?

You: (douchier still) I said you’re never gonna bother me there Man.

Me: I see…

You: (getting your shovel) Yeah, cause in the last 5 years I have had, like, 2 orders for size small stuff.

Me: Look, it’s okay, I’ll move on…

You (digging a trench for the battle): Yeah, and you know what’s wrong with you small people?

Me: (in silence, but having a feeling you are about to tell me what’s wrong with my people) …No?

You: (continuing the arms race without provocation): I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you small people. First we sell the XL, then the L, then the M, and we used to bring in a few smalls, but, see, we always have to sell you stuff on clearance, because you people drive the prices down.

Me: (mustering some logic) That’s ironic, because I usually find I have to buy stuff at regular price before they run out of my size…

You: (full on racist) No, that’s not how you do it. You wait until things go on clearance, and force me to drop my prices.

Me: (with an explanation, but lacking the willpower to bother) Uh yeah, okay then…

You: (Energizer Bunny of defensiveness) Yeah man, so you’re never gonna bother me online, I can’t do business like that. I’m sorry man. It’s just never gonna happen. There is no demand.
Me: (unCanadianly leaving without saying “thank you” or apologizing) Uh huh…

Dickhole, there was simply not enough time or reason for me to stand there and explain to you that marketing to smaller and larger sizes is, indeed, a niche business. There was no need to explain that I worked retail for 7 years, and that I sold a lot of size 7 shoes and size 14 shoes because I stocked them. Did I stock a million? No. Would I special order for people? Yes. Could I have started an online t shirt business and sold more than 2 size small shirts if I had offered them? Oh yes. I could also have stocked, nay, I would also have stocked 3XL.

Perhaps you are only losing 15% of your potential sales by spending your spare time dry humping your cat instead of business planning. I’m sure you enjoy stripping down naked and having your sharp-clawed cat swat angrily at your now unrecognizably scarred penis. I imagine that the time you save by not ordering size small is partially spent convincing yourself you are not losing any business at all, and partially spent engaged in your regularly scheduled cat rape.

Your impressive scapegoating of “The Small People” goes beyond my ability to rationalize. The conspiratorial objective of “my people” to ruin your business by ordering a product which you are unwilling to provide is indeed sinister. In fact, I have a confession:

We are out to get you. Even though I am 5’9”, and I weigh 140 of your Imperial Earth Pounds, (or 64 of your base 10 Earth Kilograms), I am still the leader of the small people. They chose me because I am medium sized, and I can blend in to your world of towering gigantic gods (Do you all have golden penises? Can I touch yours? Maybe not yours, yours is a fleshy disfigured knot, but one of the other Tall Person wieners?). We sit deep inside our lair – okay, we sit deep inside an H&M store, waiting for the day that you have invested too heavily in size smalls. Then, we will wait much too long to buy them,  so you feel you must discount them! Only once you have discounted your shirts, will we then purchase them, wear them, and somehow mass-advertise and tell our friends how we masterfully bought t-shirts at 75% of the price the rest of you foolish Tallies! The Earth will be thrown into chaos! How dare the Smallites save nearly $4 on their t shirts! Soon, the Tallies will riot, and demand you also give them each $4! All because we Smallites colluded to buy your shirts, and then daringly wore those same shirts around!

Hyperbole aside, you sell shirts at a comic book convention. Where else would you expect to find, amongst the chubby nerds (who I am not denigrating, my friends are mostly chubby nerds, and many of them have exceedingly hot wives and girlfriends),  would you also find a veritable shitload of skinny nerds? And teenagers? My god, skinny nerds and teenagers must have been 40% of the people at the convention! What about the kids? Easily 10% of the people in that room were nerdy fathers ( presumably with hot wives) and kids! WHAT ABOUT THE HOT WIVES? I spoke personally to at least one hot wife who could not buy a t shirt due to its immense size! There were thousands of non-giant nerdy women at that convention. Literally Thousands! What are the ladies supposed to wear? Wait, I see what you are doing, you are refusing to sell clothing to the ladies because you hope they will be forced to manufacture their own tight fitting superhero costumes, and then help you lasso your cat for raping.

I’m not asking for much. You don’t have my size? Fine. Just don’t be a weird prejudiced dickhole about it.

Smackdown: AWESOME UNDERCARD 2: Aquaman vs. Robin vs. Goats on Bicycles

Since our much criticized elimination of Robin and Aquaman from our Superhero Smackdown, our fans (okay, one fan) have been calling out in eerie unison: “Bring back Aquaman and Robin!”. You have climbed the steps of Mt. Seleyah, you have smelled the smell of salmon on your hands, you have been, and ever shall be their friend. Well, your prayers have been answered, because as the still unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I alone have the time available to pander to our superfans* (*fan).  I have been a little busy fellating donkeys to think the really deep thoughts, but we’re not here to talk about what I did to which species, or who saw what and told which ladies, sealing my celibate fate.

Let’s get down to brass tacks, as they say in the fabric measurement industry. Today’s battle is between Robin the Boy Wonder (who for our purposes, I guess is Dick Grayson), Aquaman (who for our purposes is Ariel), and Goats on Bicycles (X-Men vol 1, issue133 : Hideous Goats on Bikes: Dark Phoenix Saga).

First up is Robin, the “Boy Wonder” or, alternately, the boy “Wonder”. Dick Grayson is the son of some circus acrobats. After the murder of his parents, Grayson was raised in a cave by a wealthy weirdo in hosiery, and there is little canonical evidence to suggest that Robin had developed any strange fetishes because of it. Mind you, I’d turn out all kinds of straight if Black Canary showed up in my neighbourhood when I was a kid- or Vicki Vale…

Next up is Aquaman. The Aquaman was the 16 year old daughter of King Triton. She was obsessed with the human world above the sea, and the stories of her journeys from town to town were featured in a weekly Canadian drama series called “The Littlest Mermaid Hobo”. In fan favourite episode “A Mock Fish Time”, Mermaid Hobo helps a reporter (played by Efrem Zimbalist Jr) track down a sasquatch-like creature. Memorable stuff.

Both Aquaman and Robin were part of a highly influential team of superheroes known as The West Coast Avengers. Along with drummer Dave Grohl, the West Coast Avengers played 45 sold out shows on their “Fortress of Solid-tude” tour in the summer of ‘97.

Facing off against the penultimate dynamic duo is the terror of Goats on Bicycles. They are Goats on Bicycles. Mother fucking goats on bicycles. They are regular goats, on bicycles, but they are fucking the fuck on fucking bicycles. Who taught those goats how to ride bicycles? Why do they keep riding past your house? Circling, and circling, around the block, again and again and again, bleating their preternatural bleats, chewing on tin cans and shoes, menacing and drooling as they pedal. The whoosh of the streamers on their handlebars, the clinkity clink of those things that go on their spokes.  What about the pants-filling image of dozens upon dozens of cloven hooves striking dozens upon dozens of platform pedals, the squeaking chains, the banana seats- WHY ARE THEY ON BIKES? THEY DON’T BELONG ON BIKES! DEMONIC GOATS ON FUCKING BICYCLES!! Good Lord, some of them are wearing helmets, and their leader has a bandanna tied around his left front leg, and his denim jacket has the sleeves cut off. What’s that patch on the back of his jacket say? Jesus, it says “Satyr-day Night Fever”. Mother the fuck fucking goat fucking goat assed goats on fucking the fucking bi-fucking-cy-the-fuck-cles! GOATS ON BIKES!!!!

There is no way this fight can go well. Robin has been known to kick some ass, and he may or not be Batman right now in the DC universe. One thing is certain; Dick Grayson has never, ever faced an enemy like goats on bikes. What the hell is wrong with them? They are on fucking bikes! BIKES! Robin and Aquaman would definitely have to team up to defeat a foe of this magnitude!

Aquaman and Robin have worked together before on “The Case of the Missing Chums”, and subsequently in “The Keep on the Borderlands”, so they have an excellent team dynamic. Likely, when faced by the arrival of the Goats on Bicycles, Aquaman would summon either Nemo, or that super mean fish from Sea World. Meanwhile, Robin would practice his crane kick and prepare himself like he would if he was facing the Cobra-Kai dojo en masse.  At this point in the paragraph, I would like to reference three more things from my childhood, for no apparent reason and without emphasis on their importance: Sectaurs, Tahiti Treat, Super Grover.  I was an adult by the time Finding Nemo was released, but killer whales have been killing people since I was young.

The Goats on Bicycles are not stupid. They know that Aquaman is better near water, and they also know other comedians and television programs have mocked her uselessness away from the water.  Consequently, this battle will end up taking place in the Mid-Atlantic, where Robin would be having a hard time swimming. Sure, Aquaman is in her element, and she can call on her racial-stereotype singing crab friend to assist in the battle, but poor Robin would be wishing he had borrowed the Bat-wet-suit, or an assload of Bat-shams.

“Holy Goats on Bikes!” Robin would say.

“Blub blub blub!” Aquaman would say.

I honestly couldn’t imagine this going well for the Dynamic Duet. Once the goats on bikes have had time to prepare you know they would show up on fucking seadoos. GOATS ON JETSKIS! Mother the fuck fucking goat the fuck S on jet the fucking fuck ski the fuck S!

My God, Imagine them, pedaling around on their barge, while the ones on jetskis speed through the choppy surf like some nightmarish deleted scene from The Road Warrior, or an even more nightmarishly undeleted scene from Waterworld. Goats upon horrible goats, bleating and bleating and bleating!

Winner: Goats on Bikes

Loser: Humanity

Thanks to some wheeling and dealing by Tbinns, The Correctness was invited to present a live version of the Superhero Smackdown at the Calgary Comic Expo this past weekend. We discussed how to transition a season-long adventure into about 50 minutes, and whether to use the same 8 finalists. We decided to pull Superman from the bracket, as he had already won once, and it seemed to make things a bit more even.

We arrived at the Expo early in the day, and checked out the room. It was a large one, and we discussed whether there would 9 or 12 people attending the panel, as it was a) unknown to most of the attendees, and b) opposite a panel on comic book writing featuring Chris Claremont. (admin_rock entertained thoughts of skipping our panel to attend that one!)

But when 5 o’clock rolled around, and we saw the line, it was clear that we were in for a fun time!

Those of you with eagle eyes might find a member or two of the correctness in the above picture.

We took the stage, and set up the rules. 2 days prep, anything goes, winner takes all.

The 8 finalists we used were

Deadpool
Wolverine
Hulk
Flash
Batman
Green Lantern
Spider-Man
and of course

Kitty Pryde.

We discussed each match-up, and then took comments from the audience, who were great! Much fun was had by all. After the comments, we threw the question to the audience, and they chose the winners of each fight.

The panels in the other rooms must have wondered what the hell we were doing, as we made a LOT of noise…

The smackdown went as such

A side

Deadpool vs Flash = Flash
Hulk vs Green Lantern = Hulk

Flash vs Hulk = Flash

B side

Kitty Pryde vs Batman = Batman
Wolverine vs Spider-Man = Spider-Man

Batman vs Spider-Man = Batman

FINAL

Flash vs Batman = Batman

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Super Special Thanks go out to the woman without whom none of this would have looked good: Mrs. admin_rock. (admin_rack? admin_rockette?) She made us an awesome bracket board, as well as designing 2 t-shirts for the weekend.

Also, to Mrs. Tbinns (tbinette?) for providing the pics above!

And thanks to Mrs. RobbieRobTown, whomever you might be, we’re looking forward to meeting you one day.

———————————————————–

Welcome to our new readers, and we hope you enjoy the correctness. We’re also looking forward to attending more comic cons in the future, so we might be hitting your town one day soon! Lock up your daughters! Unless, of course, they are the future Mrs. RobbieRobTown.

The Corectness would like to take a few moments to gush about the awesome support and live commentary from folks at the Calgary Comic Expo!

Thanks for making that such a fun show. You guys rocked it.

We return now to our regularly scheduled cranky.

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: The second Semi-Final: Doom vs Mystique. Steel vs Blue thing.

TONY

Let’s play a game.

This game is called “How long can Mystique stay alive before Doom completely and utterly destroys her?”

I suppose she could hide in the audience and he’d have to play Where’s Waldo for awhile, but something tells me he’d just sit cross legged, mutter a few incantations and the next thing you know she’d be all highlighted like an item you need to pick up in a video game. And then he would completely and utterly destroy her. And even if he didn’t do that, he’d just eliminate the crowd from the equation…and completely and utterly destroy them all.

She could show up as Squirrel Girl and fill him with terror…

but when the Squirrels didn’t actually show up…he would completely and utterly destroy her.

Assassin tricks? Poison his ridiculously over sized golden goblet? He didn’t get to be the Ruler of Latveria by being an idiot, he’s not just going to drink things willy nilly plus he probably has tasters. And, being all unpoisoned…he would completely and utterly destroy her.

Having said that…I think Mystique will still be alive at the end of this.

Doom knows the value of somebody with her talents. He knows who he is up against next round, and he knows the history. I think he would offer her a chance to surrender, provided she did him a few small favours, ie: Tell everything she knows about Magneto. Be his person on the inside. He would probably even offer her some side work…

I think Raven has Daddy issues and might even be swayed by a powerful older man with European charm…it has happened before…but would she betray Magneto?

Perhaps not…but I believe she would at least play it cool and agree to the terms until she could think of something better.

So here’s how I see it going down…Doom and Mystique come to terms before the fight, perhaps when he catches her trying to assassinate him beforehand. The day of the fight, they put on a show, (But not too much of one, everyone knows she is overmatched here) and he appears to completely disintegrate her. What he has really done is transported her to and undisclosed location.

And now…she has some thinking to do.

But both officially, and in a larger sense, the winner here is

DOOM

DAVE:

So, I know what you’re thinking: How could this mismatch possibly happen? And I have an answer: It just did. Real life brackets have mismatches too, so enough with the whining and moaning about how it’s fixed, or that we planned for a specific outcome. We didn’t. That would be boring. Blame the comic book writers for having wild varying levels between their villains, I guess. The whole exercise is to have fun and make assumption as to what would happen in these imaginary battles.

On to the match.

Mystique is a cunning strategist who generally uses surprise and her shape-shifting abilities to make events go the way she needs them to. She’s held her own for decades, and always manages to come out on top, or at least get away in the nick of time. She’s been the leader of a number of teams, and those teams have beaten the X-Men, which is not an easy task, as there’s like 87 of them at any given moment, 6 of whom are Wolverine. She was also played by Rebecca Romijn, which is awesome. She has a scaly blue rack, which is less awesome, unless you’re into that, or maybe you have an Avatar fetish or something.

Doctor Doom is a friggin genius, almost rivaling Reed Richards. He built a time machine. He’s the leader of a nation, has a army of lifelike robots that he built himself, and oh, he built a TIME MACHINE. He could use this time machine to ensure a win, but he wouldn’t need to, nor stoop to that. Because he could beat Mystique without anywhere near that much effort. This is a man who fought his way through time and space, can change bodies with people through eye contact, and has a healing factor. Wait, no, he doesn’t have a healing factor. He’s, in fact, only one of 4 people in the Marvel universe that doesn’t have a healing factor.

Doom is used to taking on the entire Fantastic Four, all of whom have epic powers, except Reed Richards, who isn’t that cool, but he’s really smart, so there’s that. But if he can take on a guy who can burn as hot as the sun, a giant rock monster who can lift trucks for fun, and a successful modern woman who can turn invisible and make air bubbles around your head, and shields and such, as well as stretchy guy, AT THE SAME TIME, what makes anyone think he’d have the slightest amount of trouble with face-changy lady.

There’s only one person Mystique could become that would even momentarily distract him: His mother. Doing this would only enrage Doom further, ensuring that rather than just killing her, he’d remove any molecular trace of her from existence. Over in one.

Winner: Doom

Rob:

Unlike our villains today, I was created long after the Silver Age of comics sometime in the late seventies. This is known to comic book aficionados as “The Brown Age” of comics, due partially to the tint the paper of the books took on after sitting in a tree fort for years, but primarily due to the quality of the writing.

Because of my extensive experience reading weathered, dog-eared and tragic copies of Conan and, to a much lesser extent, Kull, I may have a key insight into which of these two villains, Mystique or Dr. Doom, shall win this fight today. The fight will be determined by one of the fundamental laws of science fiction narrative. Allow me to continue this line of thinking, no I insist, please, after you:

Along with all the warrior nonsense like Conan, and books like the EC comics (God, how I miss EC), I sometimes wish I had been reading Heavy Metal during the halcyon days of my youth, not as much for the boobies as for the awesome pulp-fantasy aesthetic. This aesthetic, both narrative and visual, still utterly defines my sense of what “awesome” is.- Oh, and by “halcyon days” I mean medically tranquilized, but that is a story for another time, and those records are from when I was a minor.

Regardless of my drooling, reading fantasy comic books was secondary to my efforts to read every science fiction and fantasy novel ever published. I can assure you, I read some pulp shit that would make your eyes bleed, it was so goddamn pulpy. The pulp was so pulpy it was actually abrasive and could dissolve your flesh.  I swear to you, I can still smell a terrible novel (remember that smell?). It didn’t matter to me how good the story was, it only mattered to me that somehow, in my young brain, I began to associate certain concepts directly with the concepts of “funny” and “awesome”. Pulpy concepts about lasers, magic, and the occult…

A Brief Departure:

Requiem for Fur-Bikini-Clad Warrior Lady: A Haiku

Dinosaur riding,

you have lasers and a sword.

Will you marry me?

The books, and comics,  influenced by Robert E Howard and the other pulp masters were all subject to the same basic rule- a rule invented by a man who I was as yet to discover in my childhood. All of this terrifying junk I was reading (and by “terrifying” I am referring again to the aesthetic, both visually and textually) was so hilar-awesome it eventually led me to the darkest, scariest, pulpiest corner of literature: HP Lovecraft.

Lovecraft is an appalling author. Just the goddamn worst. Reading Lovecraft is like wading through a murky bog, discovering the tomb of Edgar Allan Poe, getting inside, and dry humping his fetid corpse.  I love/hate Lovecraft so much that I need counseling just to comprehend the conceptual contradictions inherent to my feelings about his writing. He is the mighty nexus of funny and awesome, lacking only the presence of scantily-clad female characters in his greatest works. What is essential here is that Lovecraft taught me something of vital importance to our fight today:

People who tangle with the occult either become frighteningly powerful, or go completely mad.

Lovecraft doesn’t just mean “booga booga” crazy, he means existential crisis, feces throwing, gouge-out-you-own-eyes crazy. The things that have been seen by the hapless protagonists of Lovecraft’s longwinded shitscapades are so mind-bogglingly nightmarish, so demoralizing, so utterly incomprehensible by the feeble human brain, that they cannot be unseen for all eternity.  Once you have laid eyes on the decadent ruins of the cities of the Great Old Ones, ones you have smelled the salt air and decay, once you have summoned the Cthulhu from their slumbers in R’Lyeh, you are hooped nine ways from Friday, mind-wise.  This is the Law of Lovecraft: Some sights and sounds can shatter your reality in an instant, and obliterate your precious sanity forever.  The Law of Lovecraft is a vast, incomprehensible, interdimensional umbrella that covers all science fiction, fantasy, and occult narrative, like some kind of vast, incomprehensible, interdimensional umbrella. Batman created the “Batman of Zur-Enh-Arrh” alternate personality specifically to deal with sanity damaging experiences like those governed by Lovecraft’s Law.

Mystique simply does not have a chance, because Doom has meddled with things beyond our world and beyond her conception. The revelation through a cracked mirror of just one glimpse of the occult universe that Doom has seen would make the shapeshifing Mystique seek refuge the form of something innocent and harmless forever.  Doom has seen these horrors, he does not fear them; He is a sorcerer and alchemist of the great weird beyond. Stan Lee said so.

Doom would step into the arena, and show Mystique a glimpse of an existence beyond her meta-human comprehension. Mystique, guised in the only form she could think of that would guard her ravaged psyche from complete annihilation, would become Hello Kitty.  The last sight she would see, as she sobbed giant, anime tears into an ever growing lake of her own destruction, is the masked face of Doom and his gloved hand pointing at her as the sound of his hideous laughter echoes into eternity.

Winner: Doom

Loser: Hello Kitty

Biggest Loser: Me for reading all that Piers Anthony

Decision: Doom

So Doom moves on to the final to face Magneto in a smackdown for mastery of the Supervillain Title!
Tune in Next Week! Tell us we’re wrong and unfunny below!

Dear Maxim

A well meaning soul recently sent me this link to your 13 hottest nerd crushes. While certainly give you points for singling out Grace Park over Tricia Helfer , out of your 13 I agreed with less than half. This is when something I always suspected became confirmed for me.

Your magazine is clearly written by the same axe body spray wearing, beer guzzling, sport stat quoting, frosted tip quaffed, Spike TV watching, Jock preening, club hopping douche-tards that are your target audience, and clearly they wouldn’t know something genuinely nerdy if they walked up behind it and gave it a wedgie.

Your list gives me the impression that I am being laughed at, rather than with. Yes we are sad and pathetic in a way, but that doesn’t mean we will place not one, but 3 computer generated and or hand drawn FICTIONAL CHARACTERS on a list of our top crushes. Yes, the Greg Horn style super heroine is eye-catching and it sells comics…that doesn’t mean Emma Frost is on my celebrity crush list, and your implication that Aeon Flux IS on my list is condescending.

If you actually had a nerd on your staff, there is no way he would have allowed that list to go out without Kirsten Bell on it, not to mention Tina Fey, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Selma Blair, Kari Byron, Felicia Day etc. etc. All lists of this sort will be guilty of a few high profile exclusions, but yours seem to point to not knowing what the hell you are talking about. I suppose if you did have a nerd on staff, he probably couldn’t make it to the meeting because you had stuffed him in a locker or something.

And how DARE you imply that we don’t enjoy Phoebe Cates coming out of the pool in Fast Times on the same level as you? The Red Bikini is every bit as sacred to us as the metal slave girl bikini is. Hey, you know who wrote that movie? Cameron Crowe…who is…you guessed it, a huge fucking nerd. (See “Almost Famous” for details. He met you all again on your long journey toward the middle) We were ruining VHS copies of that movie with pausing and rewinding the same as you, probably more, because you were out actually GETTING some.

So in conclusion, I would ask you to perhaps take the risk of ruining your “rep” by taking the time to actually consult one of my socially maladjusted brethren before creating such a list in future. Thank you for your attention, you may now resume watching 1000 ways to die and Manswers.

Sincerely,

TBinns

P.S. Thank you for not including Olivia Munn, at least.

Good news everyone! We have excerpts from the 2009 guidebook to Middle Earth!

Staying in the Barrow Downs:

Accommodations:

Accommodations are available, but dusty at best. If your room has a barrow wight, you’ll want to put in a call to Tom Bombadil, his songs are the strongest.

Weather:

While the weather on the downs itself is temperate, the weather inside the barrows tends to be clammy and chilled. You probably don’t need rain gear, as the thought of returning to the surface will be overwhelmed by the soul-sucking desire to stay where you are and die.

Dining out:

Unless you ate with Tom Bombadil and Goldberry, or are packing lembas, it’s going to be pretty slim pickings on the downs. Wights have an unparalleled disinterest in fine cuisine, unless, again, you count sucking your will to live as dining, which the authors of this guidebook certainly do not.

********

Isengard and Area:

Accommodations:

Since only the foolhardy would risk the Fangorn forest, Orthanc becomes the only viable housing in much of Isengard. Sadly, to paraphrase Gandalf’s review of Edoras in the Riddermark, the courtesy of this hall is somewhat lessened of late. There is really only one central room in Orthanc, and recent guests have found the interior to be a post-modern hodgepodge of a design- somewhat like the Fortress of Solitude, but with none of the Scandinavian cleanliness. The roof, watch your step, is exceptionally spiky, and being hurled against it repeatedly would be uncomfortable at best.

Entertainment:

Well, it’s a real stretch to call an Entmoot entertaining, so bring your special brownies if you are going to listen to this listless whale music all night. Otherwise, it’s a view of the orc pits which, while industrial, are quite remarkable. The writers of this guidebook heartily recommend you bring your pipeweed either way.

********

Rivendell/ Imladris:

Entertainment:

The mood of Rivendell is entirely dependent on the mood of the Elves. Visit with Bilbo, and it’s all show tunes and travel songs, ALL THE TIME. Visit during the end of the Third Age, and it’s all Elrond being pissy, and hardly a jam session or drum circle in sight. We recommend going during the summer.

If you are out dancing, we recommend learning the Misty Mountain Hop.

Timekeeping:

Bring a world clock with you, time passes differently in Rivendell than it does in the rest of Middle Earth. Women on oral contraceptives should take note, especially if they have had anything to drink while visiting Fangorn forest…

Language:

Learning Elvish is a bit like learning Castilian Spanish. Expect to do a lot of lisping.

*******

The Mines of Moria:

Security and Access:

If you want to get in through the Doors of Durin, don’t forget your password. We cannot emphasize this enough. The neighbourhood outside the doors is run down, and the nearby lake is not safe for swimming. The Watcher in the Lake is not to be mistaken for a lifeguard.

Balrog encounters:

Near the bridge of Khazad-Dum, but anywhere in the main mine really, you might encounter a Balrog. First off, it is NOT more scared of you than you are of it. This is a common misconception. Do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to feed the Balrog. Unless you are the servant of a sacred fire, and the wielder of the Flame of Anor, you are likely to be eaten. Here are some tips:

1. Store your food in designated Balrog proof containers, or regional parks “food hang” sites.

2. Avoid any sudden movement and loud noises. This is also useful when avoiding large parties of orcs with cave trolls.

3. Play dead. The Balrog isn’t so much interested in eating you, as he is interested in destroying you.

4. Do not leave your party to take flash photography of the Balrog. Most large creatures are annoyed by camera flashes, especially those that live in the dark.

*******

Mordor on 1-2 days:

Highlights:

If you loved the pomp and circumstance of the Black Gates, we think you’ll be disappointed by the alternate entrance at Minas Morgul, particularly if you don’t like spiders.

Getting around:

The terrain in Mordor is largely volcanic, and we heartily recommend a good pair of hiking boots. Your casual walking shoes simply will not do.

Travel though Mordor is mostly forced marches, so try not to get dehydrated, or frustrated by the constant shouting and whipping.

Security:

The All Seeing Eye is a remarkable security feature. It’s sees inside you soul and knows your will. On the down side, the eye has it’s own agenda, but rest assured, you are under constant surveillance. Travelling to any country with a police-state ethic like this can be a blessing and a curse, but it’s best just to go with the flow, stick to the rules, and enjoy the security benefits. Unlike Singapore, chewing gum is allowed.

Shopping in Mordor:

The main commodity of interest is the One Ring, though any of the great rings are up for discussion. If you have the One Ring, expect to be drawn inextricably to Barad-Dur, and expect headaches, insomnia, and depression.

Other transactions in Mordor are made primarily by stabbing you for your shiny things, so wear a money belt.

Accomodations:

The Orcs have fleas, a bed-net is strongly recommended.

Advice for Couples:

Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor I met a girl so fair, But Gollum, and the Evil One crept up and slipped away with her.

Language:

The Black speech of Mordor will get you negative attention . Use the common tongue, or Orcish if you must -Or, alternatively, try Castilian Spanish.

The Shire and Surrounding Area:

Dining:

Expect to be eating all the time. Food will be your largest expense in the Shire, as Hobbits have insatiable appetites. Vegans, vegetarians, and those avoiding carbohydrates can expect limited menus, and little assistance from the halflings. In fact, those with alternative diets of any kind will be considered rude. Try Gondor if you want a little Human understanding about your digestive issues. Otherwise, make with the sticky cakes.

Shopping in the Shire:

Well, while the wares available in the shire are by no means as technically brilliant as those made by the dwarves, nor as elegant as those of the elves, there are a lot of off-brand options. Leather goods, walking sticks, detailed regional maps, and tupperware are all readily available.

Safety:

Get used to feeling tall. As a practice, duck every time you enter a building.

Health Concerns:

The Hobbits never wear shoes. The fact that they are constantly eating and strolling around without footwear is difficult for some travellers. No matter how well groomed the Hobbits are, the subtle foot smell is pervasive. Again, the writers of this guide cannot emphasize this enough. PERVASIVE FOOT SMELL.

Diabetics can expect death by snacks, and non diabetics can expect to develop type II diabetes.

Romance for Singles:

Of all the lands you might travel to, you are most likely to find yourself attractive in the Shire. If your preferences tend to sway towards short, stocky, foot-odoured people, then this might be just the adventure you’ve been looking for. Beware a sort of reverse racism, your height and good looks might garner suspicion and even disdain. If trying to impress a potential partner, discussion of your travel outside the Shire is considered uncouth. Try sticking to the basics like how much you enjoy potatoes, or how attractive you find their curly foot hair. Do not bring up the PERVASIVE FOOT SMELL.

As some of you may already have read, there has been another case of celebrity blackmail, this time involving Full House star John Stamos. The police have actually got a pretty good lead now, and are asking for the public’s help in catching this lowlife.

Police sketch artists have released the following to the public in the hopes that you may have seen the suspect.

Please note, this man is considered very dangerous. He was last spotted in a Subway in Des Moines trying to get a free submarine sandwich, despite not having his club card with him. The suspect is also described as disorganized (You should see his car…it’s a mess) and is orften seen in the company of a Robot butler in a very comforting sweater vest.

If you have any information on the suspect, please call your local authorities. And stop watching Teletoon at 2:00 am and go to bed.

Guess who’s coming to The Calgary Comic Expo? Yes, Leonard Nimoy, but besides him? Yes, Malcom Macdowell, Erin Grey, Billie Dee Williams Brent Spiner…yes they are all very good…but who would you really LIKE to see there, live and in person?

No Not Tamoah Pinkett, you jackasses, US!

The Correctness will be doing Superhero Smackdown LIVE. Fear not, you will not bear witness to us in tights doing some sort of Justice League LARPing, it will be a lively comedic debate, with plenty of opportunity to talk back and voice your opinion.

So come out and hurl invectives at us in person for a change.

We are in Panel Room D at 5:00 on April 24th…visit Calgaryexpo.com and book your tickets.