The rumor recently broke that John Krasinski of the Office is on a short list to play Cap in the upcoming Captain America movie. I never really thought of him as the type. I’m guessing they will have to make a few script changes. Changes like this, for instance.

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

(Captain America jumps down from the rafters, to confront his arch enemy)

RED SKULL: Captain… America is it? How fitting. Just like your country you are sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong…and just like your country, you have entered the war far too late. The missiles are set to launch. All I need to do is dispose of you….OH COME ON!!

(Cut to Red Skulls desk drawer, where his trusty luger is now covered in Jello. Cut to Captain America, who looks at the camera and smirks.)

Int. Office Day

Captain America is in the C.I.A. office speaking to the Camera.

CAP: I’ve always believed that mutated Nazi madmen just need to lighten up. I mean, everybody loves Jello, right? How can you not love Jello? You can put anything in it, canned fruit…bananas …lugers…(he smirks at the camera)

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

RED SKULL: How did you even…Ohhh it’s in the firing pin…these are collector’s items…YOU OWE ME A LUGER!!!

CAP: How do you know I did that?

RED SKULL: OF COURSE IT WAS YOU!!! Who else would have…?

CAP: I’m just saying that you have a lot of people working for you here, you give a lot of orders….people get resentful…

RED SKULL: Well there is this one guy….

CAP: See?

RED SKULL: SHUT UP !! IT WAS TOTALLY YOU!! But it doesn’t matter…you can’t stop the missiles now. Ah the rich Irony, that you Americans created the very Arayan Super Man that our regime has been fighting so hard to create. By trying to stop us, you yourselves are forced to concede we are correct, by your very existence! Freedom is a petty price to pay for the true Arayan nation to arise and conquer the inferior races…

(Captain America gives a pained look to the camera)

Int. Office Day

CAP: What I’ve learned about being a Superhero is that there is always going to be a monologue from the villain. These things can go on for a looooong time. You have to find ways to occupy your attention or you’ll go nuts. Ways like…slipping away defusing the missiles and replacing them with confetti bombs. (He smiles)

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

RED SKULL:…and THAT is why we will prevail…Look the missiles are launched, say goodbye to Uncle Sam, Apple Pie and…

(Missles explode, it is a hailstorm of Confetti)

RED SKULL: What? HOW? DAMN YOU CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!!!!!

(Enter Rip Tailor waving the American Flag)

RIP: Did someone say Confettii? HA HA HA! Whooopeeeeee!!!

Int. Office Day

CAP: Yes. I did hire Rip Taylor. Anything worth doing is worth doing right. (He smiles)

Would you kindly read this column by Correctness Guest Correspondent Victoria Banner

So I am playing tons of Bioshock as of lately, not Bioshock 2 but Bioshock the original Game of the Year for the year of 2008. I am playing Bioshock because I am that special kind of magical broke you get when you are a student AND you work at Jubilations once a week for peanuts….yep that special magical type of broke. I am also playing Bioshock because I never beat it when I first rented it, *GASP* say you? I know crazy shit….but Bioshock scares the ever loving crap out of me. I know it is hard to picture me having the ever loving crap scared out of me because I have Zombie dumpster baby as a legit thing on my resume and I personally feel that Paranormal Activity is on the same level as the Godfather. But just cause I like scary stuff doesn’t mean scary things don’t scare the crap out of me. (Oh also I am in that one people watching hallway there @ the lovely university of Calgary and today’s Please don’t kill me of the day is the guy behind me who has been listening to the song “Bitter Sweet Symphony” over and over on his iPhone speaker really loudly he is just staring straight forward and hugging his knees, he has been doing this for the past 52 minutes, that actually also scares the crap Out of me). But yeah Bioshock scares the crap out of me mostly because its is a first person shooter that is too god damn first person! I can’t see my Characters back…I know in real life I can’t see my back but that doesn’t count because in real life you don’t have Big Daddies throwing grenades at the back of your head. Also I don’t like it because you are incharge of making choices as if you were actually in Rapture, but I feel I am making choices for Jack, Atlas and the guys down at 2K games. Very few thing I have done in that game are things that I would actually do if I found myself stuck in the crumbling ruins of an Ayn Rand-esque utopia. So without further a-do (cause this whole paragraph I typed is a giant shitload of a-do) I present to you:

Victoria’s Trip to Rapture:

Victoria: Dobie doobie do I am on a sixties airplane, eatin’ free peanuts and sitting on a plane, sure hope we don’t crash! Doop doop do!

Captain: This is your pilot Speaking, we are on route so some place across the Atlantic ocean, I hope you enjoyed you free peanuts, our current cruising altitude is CRASHING THE FUCK IN TO A FIREY ABYSS OF DEATH AND YOUR FUCKED! Please return your tray in to an up right position.

*Plane Crashes in to a horrible fiery abyss*

Victoria: Good thing I passed level three of bubbledunkers, there is alot of fire in this water and its weird because the flames always sprout up when ever I try to swim away from that ominous looking structure. Better swim toward the ominous looking structure.

Hmmm Rapture? I am immediately suspicious on this place because I once got sick from a wrap I got at a place called wrapture, true story. I am Just going to hang out on the stairs here…the ocean is pretty fucking on fire over here so I assume a boat will probably come check this shit out. Am I the only one who survived this? Awesome, good thing I let that bitch take the window seat.

Victoria: Okay I have been sitting here for about 30 hours, the ocean is still very on fire which I am immediately more suspicious of, that I was 30 hours ago…no boats have passed and no other planes have crashed…getting kinda thirsty I guess I will go in the big creepy building.

*opens the big creepy doors*

Victoria: Oh look at this room, this it nice…not as bad as I thought, look at that big gold statue , that Ryan guy kinda looks like Walt Disney…I am so hoping this rapture place is a new secret Disney land. Are they playing Annette Hanshaw over the radio? I love this song! OOooOOo whats this a Bathysphere? Nice I could use a nice bath, I wonder if there’s like a vending machine over by the statue?

*Goes in to bathysphere*

Victoria: LIES! This is on no way shape or form a bath…this is like submarine elevator, which is the two worst places to be stuck with a fat guy, so I guess I am luck in the fact I am not stuck in here with a fat guy. HOLY FUCK! IS THAT A WHALE?!?! SWIMMING BESIDE A SKY SCRAPER? What prevents the whales from smashing all these glass tubes that is not good infrastructure on a city. But then again how many people have functioning degrees in engineering and marine biology? Ho-well, I like the musi-*ZAP* FUCK! Elevator is sparking, in water….so not safe, not a fan roving black outs here. Rapture needs to pay more electricity bills.

*bathysphere docks*

Victoria: I can’t see anything. At All. Wish someone would turn on a light.

*Lights flash on a splicer ripping apart corpse, it is singing to itself*

Victoria:OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT LIGHTS OFF LIGHTS THE FUCK OFF!!!

Atlas: Hoi! I am going to do my god damn best to get you out alive, I am your only chance if you want to survive this hell hole known as rapture.

Victoria: OH good, I am just going to wait in here while you come get me, we cool?

Atlas: No I am not going to help you get out of here in the sense I am helping you get out here, I am helping you get out here in the sense I am going to say annoying shit with an accent through this radio.

Victoria: Fuck you, you better be hot.

Atlas: there you go I got the door off the bathysphere, go get a wrench.

Victoria: Why are you doing that no bad idea, leave the door on please…..fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Welp I got a wrench now I can bash creepy people who are here to do creepy things. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Grossss this place is covered in god damn syringes, this is worse than bad parts of Vancouver. Yuckkkkk.

Atlas: Oyi! You found a syringe of Adam Mate, jab that in your arm and you will have lightning hand powers. You can use that to fight splicers.

Victoria: No fucking way you disembodied voice bastard. I am not putting heroin in my arm not matter how much I can “hold the lightning”…wtf is Lightning hands anyway? The name of some whitesnake album you were listening to on your last bastard herion bender? Fuck you I haven’t even used a syringe in my life.

*Victoria gets whacked upside the head by a thuggish splicer, she falls and accidentally jabs herself with the yucky Adam Syringe*

Victoria: EWWWWWWWW!!!! Grossssssss! Ewwwwww! FUCK I have lightning hands, definitely on a heroin trip, only explanation
.
*zaps splicer*

Atlas: Good Job! You have lightning hands now! Go zap the door so it will get power and you can carry on.

Victoria: Nah actually I am going to zap the Bathy Sphere and wait up by the statue of Walt Disney.

*After Desperately Zapping the Bathysphere for about an hour Victoria gives up*

Victoria:Fuuuuuuuck I gotta go through the door don’t I?

Atlas(smug): Yup.

Victoria: Godammit. Why are there so many zombies in this stupid city…

Atlas: Those are splicers.

Victoria: Splicer- That sounds like a slap-chop add on. Also why are all of them doctors? Does the Rapture Med school have like super low admission standards? Like seriously there is doctors and women here and they are all trying to kill me? All all these women the doctors wives? Cause thats why Rapture collapsed…if every woman was married to a doctor, she wouldn’t be allowed a smug superiority complex that is needed by doctor wives, she would be miserable and start to deteriorate and she would nag her husband and than he would start to go crazy. That’s how this goddamn place collapsed: smug bitches. Also if everyone was a doctor who the hell did they treat? I guess all the people designing these posters everywhere…yep there’s a short cycle Doctors make products for advertisers, advertisers advertise products for doctors. Well that is lame, lame la-AHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!!!

Little Sister: Right this way Mr.Bubbles

Victoria: Ahhhhh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Big Daddy: BLERGHHH!!

Atlas: Oi! Thats a Little sister and that big guy following her around is a Big Daddy. Hes like her body guard. Quick Kill that big guy and than you can havest the Adam from the little sisters.

Victoria: You are telling me to kill that huge guy, so that I can commit homicide to a fucking cute kid so that I can get more dirty heroin needles to jab in to my goddamn arm. You my friend are a fucking junkie. You know what….having a giant ass guy throwing granades as my bodyguard is not a bad plan…that chick has got this place figured out.

Atlas: What do you mean? I need you to save my family who is in the explosive submarine and then save me and then save rapture than make a plant compound and then kill several key figures before finally killing Ryan!!

Victoria: You are crazy…I am not doing your chore list for you, you bastard. Nope I think I am going to go crawl in to those pipes and beome a little sister.

Atlas: You can’t do that! You need to save rapture!!!

Victoria: Fuck it.

*Crawls in to little sister pipe*

(Victoria is a student living in Calgary. We still owe her dinner.)

The Correctness is pleased to anounce that we will soon be starting our much anticipated Supervillian Smackdown.

You don’t have to be smart to realize that we don’t know as much , in terms of canon, about supervillains as we do about superheroes. For example, Batman is in almost every issue of Batman, but the Joker is in every second one or so, or lately, whenever DC needs to have an engaging story.

Consequently, we will only require your 8 favourite supervillains, instead of the going through a similarly balls-hurtingly tiresome task of fighting through 16 like with the superheroes.

The inevitability of Batman winning somehow, even though he is not, in fact, a supervillain,  has been taken into account in our rules and he is disqualified from competition. Somebody else will have to fend off the seductive wiles of Catwoman, if indeed, you all let her be involved.

Cast your vote below, so that when the name-calling starts, I can wash my goddamn hands of our choices? (Why no Thor last time? Because Thor is literally fucktarded, that is why. Literally.)

Vote away!

Love,

The Correctness.

Fot the greatest poet of all time, William Carlos Williams.

This is just to say:

I have responded

on facebook

to your note
.

And you hoped,

I assume,

that I replied

Thoughtfully.
.

Forgive me,

I was on

my iPhone,

whilst taking a dump.

So now that the power lanterns of the DC Universe has opened up to various other colors and various other states of being, the it would be remiss of the Correctness not to mention a few other Lanterns that you could see appearing soon!

You are welcome.

Pink Lantern: Utilizes the power of nausea heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea. The latter being a cross over with the Brown Lantern. On the plus side, the Pink Lantern is a shining symbol for breast cancer awareness.

Beige Lantern: Harnesses the power of mediocrity. Likes: Nickleback, Sandra Bullock Movies,Everybody Loves Raymond, and Three and a Half Men. Dislikes: Being mistaken for the Khaki Lantern

Grey Lantern: Retired. Uses his power ring to get kids off his lawn. Very excited that Jay Leno will be back, and that his son Patrick got life insurance.

White Lantern: Thinks there are too many other colored Lanterns getting into the country and getting jobs while his cousin the Off-White Lantern is still on a waiting list. Uses his ring to exert dominance and get paid more than any of the other Lanterns. Weaknesses: he can neither jump nor dance.

Purple Lantern: Powered by the Color Purple. The movie, not the actual color. Got his ring passed down to him by the alien known as Prince after Under The Cherry Moon crash landed on Earth. Uses the ring to give the deadliest nurples known to mankind.

And remember kids, using your Black Lantern ring to make your velvet poster look way cool is dangerous as it may revive and zombify any beloved pets buried in the back yard.

NO!! TIMMY!! WAIT COME BACK!! DIDN’T YOU READ PET SEMETARY?! NO DON’T DO…oh God.

First Century A.D: St. Valentine suggests we manufacture a new holiday with cheap cards and cheaper sentiment. While the florist union and restaurant industry were firmly behind him, he was beaten to death by a mob of angry men. Quite rightly, too.

February 14th 1929: Al Capone’s men play a hilarious trick on some Irish associates. They dressed as police officers, and invited the Irish fellows to inspect a nearby wall for damage in the drywall. Then they damaged the wall themselves with tommy gun fire. 7 dead, but totally hilarious!

February 14th 1979 : Tbinns looks into the paper bag attached to his desk at Nellie McClung elementary and finds that it has but one Valentine in it…from his teacher. Thus deepening his love of Charlie Brown, and increasing his chances of becoming a bitter blogging nerd

February 14th 1994 : In an effort to give her husband Kurt Cobain special Valentines treat, Courtney Love offers to bathe for a change. He declines. The mystery of his eventual suicide declines significantly

In a related story…

February 14th 1997: Jim Derrick is a programmer, with an Abba shirt , stained with hipster irony and pizza grease stretched across his doughy midsection. He puts Nirvana’s “Heart Shaped Box” on repeat all day at work because he thinks it’s funny. 20 years later to the day, he dies alone.

February 14th 1998 Skittles CEO Adam Furst gets his mistress/ assistant a bouquet of roses to mark the day. In the ensuing fellatio that follows, he is heard to mutter “That’s it, taste the rainbow.”

February 14th 2003. Jessica Simpson wants to make a Valentines album but can’t find anything to rhyme with “Cupid” A bystander chokes to death on the irony.

February 12th 2010 Tbinns decides to celebrate Valentines by becoming more sexually adventurous. He allows himself to get fucked in the ass. By Carleton Cards when he pays an outrageous amount of money for a Valentine’s card for his wife. Still, he thinks, at least he won’t die alone like Jim.

Happy Valentines everyone!!!

Far from being a Hallmark holiday, or relating to the death of some guy by some tigers or something, Valentine’s Day has a noble history.

Deep in the Mines of Moria, during the splendour of the Second Age, The dwarves carved out enough mithril to forge the Soup Tin of  Gor Daleth. This Soup Tin, it was said, when soup was pored forth from it, caused an enchantment. The drinker of the soup would be overcome by a warm fuzzy feeling, such that he might feel a compulsion to make a home with a fair maiden, and begin a family.  While this type of enchantment sounds Elven in nature, the elves had long since forsaken the eating of soup, because it was “too spicy”.  Soon the dwarves had figured out a way to bind all the soup tins in Middle Earth together, and they made the Mithril Soup tin to rule them all.

Sauron, before forming the one ring, was way into this Soup Tin. WAY. So he popped by to check it out. The Dwarves were distrustful of him, because he had been the lieutenant of Melkor during the first age, but also because that dude Sauron was always pocketing shit at house parties and he was a major drag.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Sauron perverted the power of the Soup Tin, and instead of it filling men with warm, fuzzy feelings of love and family, it turned all the women of Earth against Rob.

Up yours, Sauron.

I love me some Peter Gabriel. I really do. So imagine my delight when I found out there was a free stream of his latest recording “Scratch My Back” available online. He covers some of his favourite artists, like David Bowie, Radiohead, Paul Simon, Arcade Fire and Neil Young. In turn, all those artists will do an album of Peter Gabriel covers called “I’ll Scratch Yours.”

That’s a pretty cool idea, I think. Gabriel doing Bowie, Bowie doing Gabriel? Sign me up.

But here’s the thing. Every song is slowed down to funereal pace, with synth and strings and mournful keening. Which in a weird way, kind of works for his cover of Heroes, but for the WHOLE ALBUM? Good God. It’s only to be listened to when in the manic phase of ones mental illness. Even Peter himself is bored of it…look at that picture, he is so comatose he has to manually push his eyebrow up to register some kind of facial expression.

It would be like “So” with every track at the same pace as “Red Rain” without “Sledgehammer” and “Big Time” to brighten the mood a little. Which would then make the album title “So What?” more apropos.

But don’t take my word for it, click right here and take a listen for yourself. Who knows, you might find it haunting and achingly beautiful. Or you might start the long arduous task of rubbing your wrists on the blunt edge of your desk in an effort to slice them open in 5-6 hours.

That said if he tours again I will totally go see him. That’s how awesome he is.

No there hasn’t been an announcement, no plans of any kind that I know of. I was just re-reading some of my Bloom County books last night. Bloom County was a staple of my high school years, and probably largely responsible for my leftist political leanings. The strip is definitely responsible for me exclaiming “Dandy!” more often than any sane person should in everyday conversation. As I was chuckling away down memory lane last night I started thinking about how a Bloom County movie might go.

I am making the following assumptions…it would be live action, with the animals being CGI ala Garfield. The Children would be unknown but talented child actors. There would probably be at least 1 musical number. And it would bomb horribly at the box office. But let’s press on and cast it anyway shall we?

STEVE DALLAS

Bloom County’s yuppie lawyer, permanent bachelor, would be ladies man and all around douchebag,. He’s the kind of guy that MTV would be falling over themselves to give a reality show to. And while his real life counterpart might be Spencer Pratt, I think he needs someone who can play a goofy, lovable douchebag, which is why my first choice is…

WILL ARNETT

First of all, he’s hysterical. He knows exactly how to turn up the slime but it’s still near impossible to hate the guy. My wife, Amber thinks he’s too goofy, and thinks Colin Farrell has more of the doucheyness required, but I think I’m sticking to my guns on this one.

CUTTER JOHN

Wheelchair bound everyman, if everyman had a cheesy mustache and feathered har. And at the time the strip was written, they totally did, so there you go. He was also, you may remember, Captain of the Starchair Enterpoop. Clearly we need someone with some captaining experience which is why I nominate…

NATHAN FILLION

If anyone can pull off the Gary Sandy Feathered hair and fireman calendar cheesy mustache it’s Mal Reynolds himself. He’s got leading man charm, good comedic chops, and the ability to be bad ass, even when stuck in a wheelchair.

BOBBI HARLOW

Granted, Bloom County is a bit of a sausage fest, but the pretty, independently minded schoolteacher Bobbi Harlow had a pretty good run early on. She dated Steve, briefly and painfully before falling for Cutter John. The triangle made for some pretty good strips, like the one above. I think it would at least make a decent subplot for the non zoological adults in the movie. My choice for Bobbi would probably be…

COBIE SMULDERS

For a couple of reasons, one, I can’t cast Anne Hathaway in EVERYTHING as much as I would like to, and 2. I think she’s underrated on How I Met Your Mother. I think a small but important role in a goofy movie might be a great way for her to break in. Also she’s Canadian. Hooray. And hot. Hooray again.

MILO , BINKLEY and OLIVER

As I said before, the kids would have to be a group of very talented unknowns, but here are a few suggestions of the TYPES you might want to look for…For Milo, I think Peter Billingsly circa 1983 is what you should be looking out for,

for Binkley a 12 year old Michael Cera type might do the trick

and for Oliver..well I’m not sure, but I know what you SHOULDN’T be looking for…

OPUS

The Icon, the Legend the Penguin. Meadow party vice presidential Candidate, Electric Tuba player, and merchandising boon. He’s sweet, vulnerable, anxiety prone, and yet oddly heroic…even brave in his own way. This was a tough one that I wasn’t able to narrow down to just one. So feel free to vote for your favorite. Candidate Number One is…

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

Opus is nothing if not erudite, and David Hyde Pierce corners the market on that. I always pictured Opus as having a slightly fussy voice it suited his vocabulary and his vulnerability. Just picture him turning to the camera and saying lines like “As God is my witness I have no idea what I should do” and “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia…” But then again there is also…

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Okay, so whoever plays Opus has to have three names and be able to belt out showtunes, that much we have clearly established. NPH is fast becoming name that might actually DRAW on a marquee, owing to several levels of sheer awesomeness. Have a look at Dr. Horrible and tell me you don’t see at least SOME Opus in that performance, particularly in the song “Laundry day”

Tough choice…what do you think?

Oooh…what about Jim Parsons from Big Bang theory…DAMMIT!!!

PORTNOY and HODGE PODGE

The Abbot and Costello of Bloom County, Portnoy being the slightly more aggressive of the two. I kept wondering who would make a great comedy team, maybe a couple of guys who were already pals…so for Portnoy I went with

PATTON OSWALT

Who has a ton of voice over experience, the right attitude, and let’s face it, even kinda looks like him.

See?And as his partner in crime…

DAVID CROSS

Who is, sadly, very used to dealing with cgi animals.

Honorable metions go out to Will Ferrel as the Giant Monster in Binkleys closet, Maybe Drew Barrymore as Lola Granola, because if she married Tom Green she’d have no issue in being engaged to a penguin, Tina Fey as the Basselope…and oh yeah…Bill the Cat?

Need I say more?