(Note: This is a repost of the original).

The rumor recently broke that John Krasinski of the Office is on a short list to play Cap in the upcoming Captain America movie. I never really thought of him as the type. I’m guessing they will have to make a few script changes. Changes like this, for instance.

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

(Captain America jumps down from the rafters, to confront his arch enemy)

RED SKULL: Captain… America is it? How fitting. Just like your country you are sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong…and just like your country, you have entered the war far too late. The missiles are set to launch. All I need to do is dispose of you….OH COME ON!!

(Cut to Red Skulls desk drawer, where his trusty luger is now covered in Jello. Cut to Captain America, who looks at the camera and smirks.)

Int. Office Day

Captain America is in the C.I.A. office speaking to the Camera.

CAP: I’ve always believed that mutated Nazi madmen just need to lighten up. I mean, everybody loves Jello, right? How can you not love Jello? You can put anything in it, canned fruit…bananas …lugers…(he smirks at the camera)

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

RED SKULL: How did you even…Ohhh it’s in the firing pin…these are collector’s items…YOU OWE ME A LUGER!!!

CAP: How do you know I did that?

RED SKULL: OF COURSE IT WAS YOU!!! Who else would have…?

CAP: I’m just saying that you have a lot of people working for you here, you give a lot of orders….people get resentful…

RED SKULL: Well there is this one guy….

CAP: See?

RED SKULL: SHUT UP !! IT WAS TOTALLY YOU!! But it doesn’t matter…you can’t stop the missiles now. Ah the rich Irony, that you Americans created the very Arayan Super Man that our regime has been fighting so hard to create. By trying to stop us, you yourselves are forced to concede we are correct, by your very existence! Freedom is a petty price to pay for the true Arayan nation to arise and conquer the inferior races…

(Captain America gives a pained look to the camera)

Int. Office Day

CAP: What I’ve learned about being a Superhero is that there is always going to be a monologue from the villain. These things can go on for a looooong time. You have to find ways to occupy your attention or you’ll go nuts. Ways like…slipping away defusing the missiles and replacing them with confetti bombs. (He smiles)

Int. Night. Red Skull’s Lair.

RED SKULL:…and THAT is why we will prevail…Look the missiles are launched, say goodbye to Uncle Sam, Apple Pie and…

(Missles explode, it is a hailstorm of Confetti)

RED SKULL: What? HOW? DAMN YOU CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!!!!!

(Enter Rip Tailor waving the American Flag)

RIP: Did someone say Confettii? HA HA HA! Whooopeeeeee!!!

Int. Office Day

CAP: Yes. I did hire Rip Taylor. Anything worth doing is worth doing right. (He smiles)

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

Would you kindly read this column by Correctness Guest Correspondent Victoria Banner

So I am playing tons of Bioshock as of lately, not Bioshock 2 but Bioshock the original Game of the Year for the year of 2008. I am playing Bioshock because I am that special kind of magical broke you get when you are a student AND you work at Jubilations once a week for peanuts….yep that special magical type of broke. I am also playing Bioshock because I never beat it when I first rented it, *GASP* say you? I know crazy shit….but Bioshock scares the ever loving crap out of me. I know it is hard to picture me having the ever loving crap scared out of me because I have Zombie dumpster baby as a legit thing on my resume and I personally feel that Paranormal Activity is on the same level as the Godfather. But just cause I like scary stuff doesn’t mean scary things don’t scare the crap out of me. (Oh also I am in that one people watching hallway there @ the lovely university of Calgary and today’s Please don’t kill me of the day is the guy behind me who has been listening to the song “Bitter Sweet Symphony” over and over on his iPhone speaker really loudly he is just staring straight forward and hugging his knees, he has been doing this for the past 52 minutes, that actually also scares the crap Out of me). But yeah Bioshock scares the crap out of me mostly because its is a first person shooter that is too god damn first person! I can’t see my Characters back…I know in real life I can’t see my back but that doesn’t count because in real life you don’t have Big Daddies throwing grenades at the back of your head. Also I don’t like it because you are incharge of making choices as if you were actually in Rapture, but I feel I am making choices for Jack, Atlas and the guys down at 2K games. Very few thing I have done in that game are things that I would actually do if I found myself stuck in the crumbling ruins of an Ayn Rand-esque utopia. So without further a-do (cause this whole paragraph I typed is a giant shitload of a-do) I present to you:

Victoria’s Trip to Rapture:

Victoria: Dobie doobie do I am on a sixties airplane, eatin’ free peanuts and sitting on a plane, sure hope we don’t crash! Doop doop do!

Captain: This is your pilot Speaking, we are on route so some place across the Atlantic ocean, I hope you enjoyed you free peanuts, our current cruising altitude is CRASHING THE FUCK IN TO A FIREY ABYSS OF DEATH AND YOUR FUCKED! Please return your tray in to an up right position.

*Plane Crashes in to a horrible fiery abyss*

Victoria: Good thing I passed level three of bubbledunkers, there is alot of fire in this water and its weird because the flames always sprout up when ever I try to swim away from that ominous looking structure. Better swim toward the ominous looking structure.

Hmmm Rapture? I am immediately suspicious on this place because I once got sick from a wrap I got at a place called wrapture, true story. I am Just going to hang out on the stairs here…the ocean is pretty fucking on fire over here so I assume a boat will probably come check this shit out. Am I the only one who survived this? Awesome, good thing I let that bitch take the window seat.

Victoria: Okay I have been sitting here for about 30 hours, the ocean is still very on fire which I am immediately more suspicious of, that I was 30 hours ago…no boats have passed and no other planes have crashed…getting kinda thirsty I guess I will go in the big creepy building.

*opens the big creepy doors*

Victoria: Oh look at this room, this it nice…not as bad as I thought, look at that big gold statue , that Ryan guy kinda looks like Walt Disney…I am so hoping this rapture place is a new secret Disney land. Are they playing Annette Hanshaw over the radio? I love this song! OOooOOo whats this a Bathysphere? Nice I could use a nice bath, I wonder if there’s like a vending machine over by the statue?

*Goes in to bathysphere*

Victoria: LIES! This is on no way shape or form a bath…this is like submarine elevator, which is the two worst places to be stuck with a fat guy, so I guess I am luck in the fact I am not stuck in here with a fat guy. HOLY FUCK! IS THAT A WHALE?!?! SWIMMING BESIDE A SKY SCRAPER? What prevents the whales from smashing all these glass tubes that is not good infrastructure on a city. But then again how many people have functioning degrees in engineering and marine biology? Ho-well, I like the musi-*ZAP* FUCK! Elevator is sparking, in water….so not safe, not a fan roving black outs here. Rapture needs to pay more electricity bills.

*bathysphere docks*

Victoria: I can’t see anything. At All. Wish someone would turn on a light.

*Lights flash on a splicer ripping apart corpse, it is singing to itself*

Victoria:OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT LIGHTS OFF LIGHTS THE FUCK OFF!!!

Atlas: Hoi! I am going to do my god damn best to get you out alive, I am your only chance if you want to survive this hell hole known as rapture.

Victoria: OH good, I am just going to wait in here while you come get me, we cool?

Atlas: No I am not going to help you get out of here in the sense I am helping you get out here, I am helping you get out here in the sense I am going to say annoying shit with an accent through this radio.

Victoria: Fuck you, you better be hot.

Atlas: there you go I got the door off the bathysphere, go get a wrench.

Victoria: Why are you doing that no bad idea, leave the door on please…..fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Welp I got a wrench now I can bash creepy people who are here to do creepy things. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Grossss this place is covered in god damn syringes, this is worse than bad parts of Vancouver. Yuckkkkk.

Atlas: Oyi! You found a syringe of Adam Mate, jab that in your arm and you will have lightning hand powers. You can use that to fight splicers.

Victoria: No fucking way you disembodied voice bastard. I am not putting heroin in my arm not matter how much I can “hold the lightning”…wtf is Lightning hands anyway? The name of some whitesnake album you were listening to on your last bastard herion bender? Fuck you I haven’t even used a syringe in my life.

*Victoria gets whacked upside the head by a thuggish splicer, she falls and accidentally jabs herself with the yucky Adam Syringe*

Victoria: EWWWWWWWW!!!! Grossssssss! Ewwwwww! FUCK I have lightning hands, definitely on a heroin trip, only explanation
.
*zaps splicer*

Atlas: Good Job! You have lightning hands now! Go zap the door so it will get power and you can carry on.

Victoria: Nah actually I am going to zap the Bathy Sphere and wait up by the statue of Walt Disney.

*After Desperately Zapping the Bathysphere for about an hour Victoria gives up*

Victoria: Fuuuuuuuck I gotta go through the door don’t I?

Atlas(smug): Yup.

Victoria: Godammit. Why are there so many zombies in this stupid city…

Atlas: Those are splicers.

Victoria: Splicer- That sounds like a slap-chop add on. Also why are all of them doctors? Does the Rapture Med school have like super low admission standards? Like seriously there is doctors and women here and they are all trying to kill me? All all these women the doctors wives? Cause thats why Rapture collapsed…if every woman was married to a doctor, she wouldn’t be allowed a smug superiority complex that is needed by doctor wives, she would be miserable and start to deteriorate and she would nag her husband and than he would start to go crazy. That’s how this goddamn place collapsed: smug bitches. Also if everyone was a doctor who the hell did they treat? I guess all the people designing these posters everywhere…yep there’s a short cycle Doctors make products for advertisers, advertisers advertise products for doctors. Well that is lame, lame la-AHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!!!

Little Sister: Right this way Mr.Bubbles

Victoria: Ahhhhh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Big Daddy: BLERGHHH!!

Atlas: Oi! Thats a Little sister and that big guy following her around is a Big Daddy. Hes like her body guard. Quick Kill that big guy and than you can harvest the Adam from the little sisters.

Victoria: You are telling me to kill that huge guy, so that I can commit homicide to a fucking cute kid so that I can get more dirty heroin needles to jab in to my goddamn arm. You my friend are a fucking junkie. You know what….having a giant ass guy throwing granades as my bodyguard is not a bad plan…that chick has got this place figured out.

Atlas: What do you mean? I need you to save my family who is in the explosive submarine and then save me and then save rapture than make a plant compound and then kill several key figures before finally killing Ryan!!

Victoria: You are crazy…I am not doing your chore list for you, you bastard. Nope I think I am going to go crawl in to those pipes and become a little sister.

Atlas: You can’t do that! You need to save rapture!!!

Victoria: Fuck it.

*Crawls in to little sister pipe*

(Victoria is a student living in Calgary. We still owe her dinner.)

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

The Correctness is pleased to anounce that we will soon be starting our much anticipated Supervillian Smackdown.

You don’t have to be smart to realize that we don’t know as much , in terms of canon, about supervillains as we do about superheroes. For example, Batman is in almost every issue of Batman, but the Joker is in every second one or so, or lately, whenever DC needs to have an engaging story.

Consequently, we will only require your 8 favourite supervillains, instead of the going through a similarly balls-hurtingly tiresome task of fighting through 16 like with the superheroes.

The inevitability of Batman winning somehow, even though he is not, in fact, a supervillain, has been taken into account in our rules and he is disqualified from competition. Somebody else will have to fend off the seductive wiles of Catwoman, if indeed, you all let her be involved.

Cast your vote below, so that when the name-calling starts, I can wash my goddamn hands of our choices? (Why no Thor last time? Because Thor is literally fucktarded, that is why. Literally.)

Vote away!

Love,

The Correctness.

———————————————————————————-

Comments (35)
Elmock said on 23-02-2010
Elmock

I nominate E. Nigma aka The Riddler. He’s the batman of the villain world.

Michelle said on 23-02-2010
Michelle

I vote for Doomsday and Lex Luthor. Yeah, the latter is obvious, but still… let him give someone besides Superman some trouble for once. Should be interesting. I would think Magneto has to be in there as well… though I suppose you could argue he’s not always a villain.

spcMike said on 23-02-2010
spcMike

Well, I like Doomsday, but only to see him take on maybe the Red Hulk.

Definitely need Deadshot in there. Oh and Sinestro.

Prometheus would be the closest analog to Batman.

With Marvel, maybe Dr. Doom, I guess Magneto, Venom, and maybe the Blob. (Is it just me or are the Marvel villians kind of lame?)

Tomass said on 23-02-2010
Tomass

1. AQUAMAN & ROBIN! – They’re as evil as they come.

But in case you all decide to shaft them again… The rest of my top ten in no particular order.

2. Herr Starr or God – Preacher – take your pick either or they’re both evil as shit in this comic.

3. The Saint of Killers – Preacher – I don’t consider him a villain but most do. He basically kills everyone!

4. Apocalypse – Marvel – He’s a touch overpowered but he’s just to freaking cool not to suggest

5. Fin Fang Foom – Marvel – On name alone… say it. It’s just fun.

6. Harley Quinn – DC – She’s evil, sexy & the Joker is just an overrated douche.

7. Mystique – Marvel – So evil, so so sexy. I mean even if you’re a gay dude or a straight chick she’s got you covered.

8. Bizzaro! – DC / Sealab – BIZARRO!

9. Megatron – Marvel – It’s freaking Megatron do I need to say more?

10. Unicron – Marvel – He’s as big as a pl… er he’s a Planet, that eats planets. And (had) only one weakness in the universe, a single artifact. Too bad he was kill by a total douche bag (who will not be in this event, so he fine)

Gilette said on 23-02-2010
Gilette

I second these:

8. Bizzaro! – / Sealab – BIZARRO!

9. Megatron – Marvel – It’s freaking Megatron do I need to say more?

Brendo said on 23-02-2010
Brendo

Apocalypse Is eternal.

Megatron will Win while ripping out every other opponents optics.

Where is Dr. Doom (Victor) On Your List?

And I don’t think they can summon Unicron, although i am sure it would please The Correctness to be the first.

And Just As A Side note is The Chicken from Family Guy in the running…?

n8 said on 02-03-2010
n8

Damn right Megatron!

Also, how about M. Bison? Psycho Crusher? Anyone?

1/4 20 said on 23-02-2010
1/4 20

*CHEER* ok … not even close to being well versed in comicbook heros/villains BUT i do like Lucifer Morningstar from the Sandman series. use my choice or i will write obscene comments about you, your pets, and that nice little vacation you took down by the seaside the one year.

Gilette said on 23-02-2010
Gilette

I nominate Said as a supervillain. He sounds scary.

SeriouslyAGeekGirl said on 23-02-2010
SeriouslyAGeekGirl

Okey, since some of the more predictable villains on my list have been nominated already, here are some that might not have been obvious choices.
In no particular order:
1.) Violator- from Spawn, he’s gross and disgusting, evil and most importantly- Hilarious

2.)Lady Deathstrike- one word for ya; Hawt

3.) Ozymandias- from Watchmen, doesn’t have the background admittedly, but he secured his place in super villainy with those 6 little words “I did it thirty-five minutes ago” dude had a plan.

4.) Shredder- c’mon people do I even need to explain this one?

5.) Doc Oc- again, nuff said

6.) Carnage- scary, violent, evil

and I second the nominations of Mystique and Harley Quinn; also Lucifer Morningstar from Sandman cuz it would be cool.

Tomass said on 23-02-2010
Tomass

Ozymandias – Good call! He is truly the Batman of super villains… but with one exception He will kill to get the job done.

admin_rock said on 23-02-2010
admin_rock

Interesting. I’ve never thought of Ozymandias as a true villain. More just a guy who did bad things for a good reason. You’ve got me thinking now.

Tomass said on 23-02-2010
Tomass

“…you’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.”
- Obiwan ROTJ

Ozymandias wasn’t doing evil per say, but what is evil? He is a mass murderer, even if it is for good. I liked him and agreed with his reasoning but that doesn’t make it right (or wrong).

How many solders did Wolverine kill in the X-Men movies? I be they had families and thought they were doing the right thing. Wolverine is a villain to them.

Watch the original Austin Powers DVD there’s a whole series of shorts about the Henchman Powers kills with the steam roller. How his wife and friends all take the news. Funny shit man.

There is no good or evil only Funny and Not.

admin_rock said on 23-02-2010
admin_rock

RobbieRobTown, if you miss Kitty Pryde that much, you might want to pick up a copy of X-Men 521, specifically the final page.

Tomass said on 23-02-2010
Tomass

Kitty Pryde Psft! Kitty Pryde can suck my… oh wait… yes, yes she can…

I see what you just did there.

Tomass said on 23-02-2010
Tomass

…evil

SeriouslyAGeekGirl said on 23-02-2010
SeriouslyAGeekGirl

i thought there was no good or evil?

Tomass said on 23-02-2010
Tomass

…funny

Gilette said on 23-02-2010
Gilette

1. Shredder
2. George W Bush
3. Gargamel
4. Global Warming
5. Bears (if bears choose polar to represent they will have a tough time getting past #4)
6. Women (I’m so lonely)
7. The San Antonio Spurs
8. The Comic Book Guy

RobbieRobTown said on 23-02-2010
RobbieRobTown

Gargamel is WAY THE FUCK IN!!!

spcMIKE said on 23-02-2010
spcMIKE

Oh you did not just mention the Spurs.

What about Bad Ash from Army of Darkness?

RobbieRobTown said on 23-02-2010
RobbieRobTown

I think Bad Ash is a great villain. Is he super? Could we throw in Darth Vader and Jabba the Hutt if we open up the field? Or the Rancour? Or Godzilla?

Gilette said on 24-02-2010
Gilette

So… much…. awesome. Vader vs Godzilla!?!?!?

Tomass said on 25-02-2010
Tomass

I would be inclined to stay on course and finish up the comics run. But have a Pop culture Hero fight & then a Pop culture villain fight.

Bad Ash vs. Keyser Soze
Evil Spock vs. Khan!
Vader vs Tiamat

Good ash vs. Maxwell Smart
James Bond vs. Captain Kirk
The Flying Spaghetti Monster vs J.C.

The possibilities are endless…

Phung said on 24-02-2010
Phung

Shredder and the Spurs would make a glorious addition to this smackdown.

Gilette said on 23-02-2010
Gilette

Also, thank you so much for doing this. The superhero version was awesome.

Brendo said on 23-02-2010
Brendo

Yoko Ono Lennon.

The M-Daddy said on 23-02-2010
The M-Daddy

Ras Al Ghul. Period.

NotVictoria said on 24-02-2010
NotVictoria

Harley Quinn Vs. Her Beloved Mista J
Ogdru Jahad Vs. Galactus

Tomass said on 25-02-2010
Tomass

Oooooh!

Unicron Vs. Galactus – I would pay some good money to see that fight.

Shredder is a good choice though.

And though I like the theory if including Gargamel, he was kind of a putz & an epic coward. And to top it all off he could barely out smart his cat (who may even make a better pick). It would be a wall mopping for the annals of short disastrous battles. For example;

Shredder Vs. Gargamel

Gargamel: “Azrael go for his the eyes!” (as he begins to turn and run)

Azrael: “Rowl ru-ruh” (Head shaking in disagreement as he heads for cover)

Shredder: (tosses a throwing star which fly’s through the air. It comes to rest embedding itself in the back of Azrael’s neck at the base of his spine… and the cat falls dead)

~cut to cheering smurfs in the stands~

Shredder: (leaps in to streaky background anime jump mode. Lands some 2 min’s later and 25 meter’s away plunging his gauntlet blades into Gargamel’s skull)

Shredder: Is there no one who can defeat me!?

~Cut to a scene from the battle “Green Room” with Saint of Killers, Ozymandias, Violator, Venom, Apocalypse, Megatron, Unicron, Galactus, Magneto, Harley Quinn & Joker all sitting reading old copies of Macleans

djnk2003 said on 27-02-2010
djnk2003

Galactus, and Juggernaut. who can say no to “I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!”

djnk2003 said on 27-02-2010
djnk2003

and Poison Ivy cuz shes hot

1/4 20 said on 01-03-2010
1/4 20

so it seems like the super villain bracket is shaping up well. here are some more ideas for future smackdowns: sci-fi smackdown, rock-em sock-em robot smackdown (our favourite robots from any genre), famous for 5 minutes smackdown, spy vs. spy smackdown (pick your secret agents). with the large amount of power that is created from combining the brains of the correctness readers, i am sure that none of these ideas are too much of a stretch.

SeriouslyAGeekGirl said on 01-03-2010
SeriouslyAGeekGirl

what about a babes of geekdom smackdown?

spcMike said on 01-03-2010
spcMike

Would that involve a Kari Byron/Felicia Day smack down? Because I’d watch that.

Fot the greatest poet of all time, William Carlos Williams.

This is just to say:

I have responded

on facebook

to your note
.

And you hoped,

I assume,

that I replied

Thoughtfully.
.

Forgive me,

I was on

my iPhone,

whilst taking a dump.

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

So now that the power lanterns of the DC Universe has opened up to various other colors and various other states of being, the it would be remiss of the Correctness not to mention a few other Lanterns that you could see appearing soon!

You are welcome.

Pink Lantern: Utilizes the power of nausea heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea. The latter being a cross over with the Brown Lantern. On the plus side, the Pink Lantern is a shining symbol for breast cancer awareness.

Beige Lantern: Harnesses the power of mediocrity. Likes: Nickleback, Sandra Bullock Movies,Everybody Loves Raymond, and Three and a Half Men. Dislikes: Being mistaken for the Khaki Lantern

Grey Lantern: Retired. Uses his power ring to get kids off his lawn. Very excited that Jay Leno will be back, and that his son Patrick got life insurance.

White Lantern: Thinks there are too many other colored Lanterns getting into the country and getting jobs while his cousin the Off-White Lantern is still on a waiting list. Uses his ring to exert dominance and get paid more than any of the other Lanterns. Weaknesses: he can neither jump nor dance.

Purple Lantern: Powered by the Color Purple. The movie, not the actual color. Got his ring passed down to him by the alien known as Prince after Under The Cherry Moon crash landed on Earth. Uses the ring to give the deadliest nurples known to mankind.

And remember kids, using your Black Lantern ring to make your velvet poster look way cool is dangerous as it may revive and zombify any beloved pets buried in the back yard.

NO!! TIMMY!! WAIT COME BACK!! DIDN’T YOU READ PET SEMETARY?! NO DON’T DO…oh God.

Far from being a Hallmark holiday, or relating to the death of some guy by some tigers or something, Valentine’s Day has a noble history.

Deep in the Mines of Moria, during the splendour of the Second Age, The dwarves carved out enough mithril to forge the Soup Tin of Gor Daleth. This Soup Tin, it was said, when soup was pored forth from it, caused an enchantment. The drinker of the soup would be overcome by a warm fuzzy feeling, such that he might feel a compulsion to make a home with a fair maiden, and begin a family. While this type of enchantment sounds Elven in nature, the elves had long since forsaken the eating of soup, because it was “too spicy”. Soon the dwarves had figured out a way to bind all the soup tins in Middle Earth together, and they made the Mithril Soup tin to rule them all.

Sauron, before forming the one ring, was way into this Soup Tin. WAY. So he popped by to check it out. The Dwarves were distrustful of him, because he had been the lieutenant of Melkor during the first age, but also because that dude Sauron was always pocketing shit at house parties and he was a major drag.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Sauron perverted the power of the Soup Tin, and instead of it filling men with warm, fuzzy feelings of love and family, it turned all the women of Earth against Rob.

Up yours, Sauron.

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

I love me some Peter Gabriel. I really do. So imagine my delight when I found out there was a free stream of his latest recording “Scratch My Back” available online. He covers some of his favourite artists, like David Bowie, Radiohead, Paul Simon, Arcade Fire and Neil Young. In turn, all those artists will do an album of Peter Gabriel covers called “I’ll Scratch Yours.”

That’s a pretty cool idea, I think. Gabriel doing Bowie, Bowie doing Gabriel? Sign me up.

But here’s the thing. Every song is slowed down to funereal pace, with synth and strings and mournful keening. Which in a weird way, kind of works for his cover of Heroes, but for the WHOLE ALBUM? Good God. It’s only to be listened to when in the manic phase of ones mental illness. Even Peter himself is bored of it…look at that picture, he is so comatose he has to manually push his eyebrow up to register some kind of facial expression.

It would be like “So” with every track at the same pace as “Red Rain” without “Sledgehammer” and “Big Time” to brighten the mood a little. Which would then make the album title “So What?” more apropos.

But don’t take my word for it, click right here and take a listen for yourself. Who knows, you might find it haunting and achingly beautiful. Or you might start the long arduous task of rubbing your wrists on the blunt edge of your desk in an effort to slice them open in 5-6 hours.

That said if he tours again I will totally go see him. That’s how awesome he is.

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

No there hasn’t been an announcement, no plans of any kind that I know of. I was just re-reading some of my Bloom County books last night. Bloom County was a staple of my high school years, and probably largely responsible for my leftist political leanings. The strip is definitely responsible for me exclaiming “Dandy!” more often than any sane person should in everyday conversation. As I was chuckling away down memory lane last night I started thinking about how a Bloom County movie might go.

I am making the following assumptions…it would be live action, with the animals being CGI ala Garfield. The Children would be unknown but talented child actors. There would probably be at least 1 musical number. And it would bomb horribly at the box office. But let’s press on and cast it anyway shall we?

STEVE DALLAS

Bloom County’s yuppie lawyer, permanent bachelor, would be ladies man and all around douchebag,. He’s the kind of guy that MTV would be falling over themselves to give a reality show to. And while his real life counterpart might be Spencer Pratt, I think he needs someone who can play a goofy, lovable douchebag, which is why my first choice is…

WILL ARNETT

First of all, he’s hysterical. He knows exactly how to turn up the slime but it’s still near impossible to hate the guy. My wife, Amber thinks he’s too goofy, and thinks Colin Farrell has more of the doucheyness required, but I think I’m sticking to my guns on this one.

CUTTER JOHN

Wheelchair bound everyman, if everyman had a cheesy mustache and feathered har. And at the time the strip was written, they totally did, so there you go. He was also, you may remember, Captain of the Starchair Enterpoop. Clearly we need someone with some captaining experience which is why I nominate…

NATHAN FILLION

If anyone can pull off the Gary Sandy Feathered hair and fireman calendar cheesy mustache it’s Mal Reynolds himself. He’s got leading man charm, good comedic chops, and the ability to be bad ass, even when stuck in a wheelchair.

BOBBI HARLOW

Granted, Bloom County is a bit of a sausage fest, but the pretty, independently minded schoolteacher Bobbi Harlow had a pretty good run early on. She dated Steve, briefly and painfully before falling for Cutter John. The triangle made for some pretty good strips, like the one above. I think it would at least make a decent subplot for the non zoological adults in the movie. My choice for Bobbi would probably be…

COBIE SMULDERS

For a couple of reasons, one, I can’t cast Anne Hathaway in EVERYTHING as much as I would like to, and 2. I think she’s underrated on How I Met Your Mother. I think a small but important role in a goofy movie might be a great way for her to break in. Also she’s Canadian. Hooray. And hot. Hooray again.

MILO , BINKLEY and OLIVER

As I said before, the kids would have to be a group of very talented unknowns, but here are a few suggestions of the TYPES you might want to look for…For Milo, I think Peter Billingsly circa 1983 is what you should be looking out for,

for Binkley a 12 year old Michael Cera type might do the trick

and for Oliver..well I’m not sure, but I know what you SHOULDN’T be looking for…

OPUS

The Icon, the Legend the Penguin. Meadow party vice presidential Candidate, Electric Tuba player, and merchandising boon. He’s sweet, vulnerable, anxiety prone, and yet oddly heroic…even brave in his own way. This was a tough one that I wasn’t able to narrow down to just one. So feel free to vote for your favorite. Candidate Number One is…

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

Opus is nothing if not erudite, and David Hyde Pierce corners the market on that. I always pictured Opus as having a slightly fussy voice it suited his vocabulary and his vulnerability. Just picture him turning to the camera and saying lines like “As God is my witness I have no idea what I should do” and “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia…” But then again there is also…

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Okay, so whoever plays Opus has to have three names and be able to belt out showtunes, that much we have clearly established. NPH is fast becoming name that might actually DRAW on a marquee, owing to several levels of sheer awesomeness. Have a look at Dr. Horrible and tell me you don’t see at least SOME Opus in that performance, particularly in the song “Laundry day”

Tough choice…what do you think?

Oooh…what about Jim Parsons from Big Bang theory…DAMMIT!!!

PORTNOY and HODGE PODGE

The Abbot and Costello of Bloom County, Portnoy being the slightly more aggressive of the two. I kept wondering who would make a great comedy team, maybe a couple of guys who were already pals…so for Portnoy I went with

PATTON OSWALT

Who has a ton of voice over experience, the right attitude, and let’s face it, even kinda looks like him.

See?And as his partner in crime…

DAVID CROSS

Who is, sadly, very used to dealing with cgi animals.

Honorable metions go out to Will Ferrel as the Giant Monster in Binkleys closet, Maybe Drew Barrymore as Lola Granola, because if she married Tom Green she’d have no issue in being engaged to a penguin, Tina Fey as the Basselope…and oh yeah…Bill the Cat?

Need I say more?

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

With this article, we embark on a bold new task: Correct that which needs Correcting. To that end, we focus today on the most reviled of the Star Wars films: Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
This task is not an easy one, for there is much that needs fixing.

1) As the point of the exercise is to Correct, any mockery of the source material must be relevant, on point, or incredibly funny.

2) No new characters are allowed, unless justification for their necessity can be made. Existing characters may be removed.

3) Any solutions provided, by The Correctness or comment posters, is subject to ridicule and nitpicking.

4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.

TBinns

How to fix Episode one.

A subject I have devoted WAAAAAYYYY too much thought to.

Well, my goodness, where to begin? I think I’ll have to do this with bullet points, There’s much work to be done, and I cannot waste time on flowery prose.

In no particular order…

1. Assume the Audience can Read: Ben Burtt is great at creating alien languages, so why have those TERRIBLE ACCENTS on the trade Federation guys? Greedo had subtitles, Jabba had subtitles, nobody complained. Or, what the hell, they have a protocol droid hanging around…have HIM translate if you think the kids in the audience will miss out on something. At the absolute worst, take a few seconds and show them use a translation device…ANYTHING to get rid of “Awwwhatis.. Goingon downdere?”

2. Conflict : If the Ultimate plan is invasion anyway… don’t piss around with Trade blockades. Why not start with a small party of Jedi sent to put an end to an ALREADY EXISTING WAR (the name of the series is not Star Blockades, people) and are ambushed and marooned. Or perhaps a whole battalion of Jedi move in for a UN Peacekeeping type mission and are betrayed and ambushed, leaving only Qui Gon and Obi Wan alive. Then, they have taken a severe loss, and Palpatine’s ultimate goal REALLY gets going. Gets to the point quicker without all the yakkidy yak yak

3. Jar Jar: I believe he can be fixed believe it or not. Take away the voice, and the slapstick element. Maybe make him a criminal, banished for thievery or some such thing. A thief, a pickpocket a scoundrel n’er do well, who..and I cannot stress this enough…does not speak english. At all. You can still save him from the invasion, he can still get them into Gunga city, perhaps even through underhanded means. He can still be humorously cowardly, just in a slightly more subtle way. But that said he should know how to a) steal shit, b) fly and or pilot vehicles and c) find new and creative ways to get himself out of the shit. There’s still plenty of opportunity for him to cause the trouble he does, without the subsequent eye rolling “Oopsie mooie mooie” crap.

4. Amidala: The idea of an elected queen is just retarded. The whole switcharoo with her bodyguard? Equally retarded. Get rid of the title, you only put it in there to make the whole Princess Leia thing make sense anyway. There’s nothing wrong with making her a tough, no nonsense senator from a noble house. Drop the whole queen angle, the Kabuki outfits, the weird voice, the weird accent. I believe Leia’s mother would be a plain dealer with a soft heart, and a weakness for dashing rogues. Mostly because her daughter is much the same.. Natalie Portman CAN act. Give her someone she can sink her teeth into.

5. Anakin: Picture this…after getting through the Trade Federations vast blockade of ships, our heroes are tracked to Tattooine. The Federation Battle Cruiser pops out of hyperspace mere minutes after they do. Swarms of droid ships come out to finish them off, their doom is nigh. Or so it would seem, until an unmarked ship swoops in and starts taking out droids left and right. The pilot? 18 year old Anakin Skywalker (“When I met your father, he was already a great pilot”) who was trying to escape his bonds of slavery, but could not stand idly by while someone is in trouble. After a thrilling battle scene, our heroes escape, but the authorities lock a tractor beam on Anakin and he is recaptured. Wishing to not only get the part he needs, but to somehow repay Anakin for his help, our heroes head down to the planet to track down his owner who has, as a last resort, installed the anti escape implantations in Anakin and his mother.

This helps in a number of ways. It parallels Luke’s development by picking up the story at approximately the same age, it makes the romance angle more believable, the pod race more believable, and it really does make him too old to begin the training. Plus, when he takes out the trade federation ship at the end, it’s more than just a blindly heroic accident.

6. The droids: A cameo would have sufficed. A cameo somewhere far away from Tatooine. Darth Vader creating (and defacto owning in Artoo’s case) the droids he was looking for in a New Hope is just too much of a coincidence for me. Although , I enjoyed watching them meet for the first time. Ditto Anakin and Obi Wan

7. Midichlorians: No No no no no. Wanna show how strong he is with the Force? I’m prepared to take a simple “The Force is incredibly strong with our young friend here” and a reply from Obi Wan“I have felt it too Master, but I also felt…something else.” There. Done. It’s that simple. Wanna show it in action? Maybe when he’s fixing something he absent mindedly reaches for a tool that flies into his grasp. Maybe in a barfight scene he instinctively force pushes someone. Ability to tap into the force may well be genetic, but it shouldn’t be due to parasites. You can’t cure the force with Penicillin, people.

8. Pod Race. Keep the Race, lose the announcer.

9. Darth Maul. More Please. And he lives at the end. He shouldn’t die until episode three where Anakin kills him and takes his place.

10. Make battle droids look a little meaner. Even if Stormtroopers couldn’t hit shit, at least they LOOKED bad ass.

11. Give Obi Wan More to do. I actually wouldn’t have minded a bit of sexual tension between him and Padme actually. Nothing serious, but enough to plant a few sees of hostility in Anakin… and speaking of Anakin….lets revisit him again, since he is so crucial to the whole affair….

12. The Missing Solo: The Rogue factor was definitely missing here. If Anakin had a bit more swash to his buckle, if he wasn’t so serious all the time, if he had even an ounce of charm, we could believe that Padme would fall for him. We could also believe that his rash, impulsive nature is part of what lead to his downfall, as well as his passion for Padme, and most of all we would actually dread seeing him fall. Remember when Han Solo got frozen in the carbonite? Remember how you felt about it? We should feel that times 10 when that helmet gets locked into place the first time. Instead, we are practically BEGGING for it to happen. If it’s supposed to be a tragic story, make me care about the tragic victims.

13. Make the universe look a little more lived in: That was part of the appeal of the original design. Save the slickness for Star Trek, this is a rough and tumble , usable Universe.

14. Yoda. Just use the old Puppet…for the LOVE OF GOD

15. A room full of script doctors. Get them in there to polish the dialogue, hire real comedians to write the comedy bits. Have them sit through a reading, and every time there’s a wince, there’s a rewrite. George needed to separate himself from the scripting process enough to be open to other viewpoints. Clearly he was incapable of doing that..

I’m sure there’s more but these are the ones that pop to mind right away. I suppose if you had to sum it up, it would be “Make it more like Star Wars” which is a typical old fart response. I don’t need all the same things, unless by that you mean Characters I care about, great action, a decent plot and fun dialogue.

admin_rock

The biggest problems in The Phantom Menace for me are

1) The Trade Federation nonsense/Political scheming
2) Too much focus on Amidala and Naboo.

The movie is supposed to be the first chapter in a giant epic story of “The Rise and Fall of Anakin Skywalker”. At least, that what George Lucas keeps telling us. That’s fine, we can dig that. We clearly can’t set the prequels too close to IV-VI, that creates casting issues (speaking of which, it’s high time we did a Princess Leia Casting Couch).

A lot of detractors put the hate on Jake Lloyd, but as a child, he does a fine job of playing a child. It’s more the dialogue that makes him come off as grating.

So, Episode I – Rise of the Sith

We keep young Anakin Skywalker, and we add the twist that his father was actually Darth Sidious/Palpatine, who creates Anakin using the power of the Dark Side, and Shmi as the vessel. This gives us another Father/Son situation to counterpoint the “I am your Father” and final resolution in Jedi. Likely, we as the audience know this, but none of the characters do. Palpatine’s keen interest in Anakin comes deeper. Anakin still grows up on Tatooine, though Palpatine keeps tabs on him from a distance.

The leader of the Senate is one Count Dooku, who, with the help of the mysterious Darth Sidious, is strengthening his power base, and building an Army of clones on a distant planet. He has the backing of the Trade Federation, without whom there is no way to transport supplies from planet to planet en masse.

We meet Senator Bail Organa, who is concerned with the government’s power becoming more and more centralized. He goes to visit the Jedi Council, to share his concerns with them. They are also concerned, but unwilling to get involved. Qui Gon Jinn and his assistant Obi Wan Kenobi meet with Organa in secret, and promise to investigate.

Qui Gon heads off to investigate Dooku, while Obi Wan is sent to Tatooine, where Dooku seems to be spending a lot of time. Qui Gon discovers the existence of the Clone factory on Kamino, and Obi Wan discovers Anakin Skywalker, a boy who is so strong in the force that Obi Wan is drawn to him, almost like a magnet. Dooku discovers the the Jedi are sniffing around, and tells his men to take the boy. They do so, and Obi wan saves him, in a brilliant high speed skiff/ podracer chase.

Qui Gon contacts the Jedi council to warn them of the clone army. They attempt to spring into action, but Dooku tells them to stand down. They refuse, telling him they will tell everyone what he is doing. He responds by having the clones attack the planet of Naboo, obliterating all the major cities, and wiping out a race of unfortunate water dwelling Gungans. Dooku convinces the senate that the attack was made by a new Rebellion, led by the Jedi, set on seizing the government. The Jedi are hunted, and they flee to Dagobah, making contact with Bail Organa, who has the support of a small number of worlds, and they form the rebellion.

Obi Wan and Anakin meet up with the Jedi, and they are all stunned by the power the boy possesses. They are concerned about training him, as he is a living weapon, and could be very dangerous in the wrong hands. Senator Palpatine reaches out to the Jedi, telling him he is siding with them, and will act as an informant for them. Anakin meets a young Padme, who is with her mother, among the Rebellion refugees of Naboo.

The movie concludes with a Jedi attack on Kamino, with an attempt to take out the clone factory. Qui Gonn heads to the control room to download the database info, hoping to learn more about the army and its leaders. He is confronted by a young Sith Knight, Darth Maul. There is a massive struggle, ending with Qui Gonn being struck down by Maul, right as Obi Wan arrives. Obi Wan and 2 other Jedi are able to fight off Maul, who escapes after destroying the database.

The Jedi hold a funeral for Qui Gon back on Dagobah. They discuss this new turn of events, that the Sith have reformed, and that they must be stopped.

ROBBIEROBTOWN

Lies weeping in the corner, reminded of the awfulness that was TPM. Perhaps he will regroup and weigh in. Who can say?

So there you have it. The Corrected version of The Phantom Menace. Agree? Disagree? Want to call us names? Suggest other fixes? Sell pills online? Do so below!

Starting Monday, The Correctness will bring you 7 days of brief posts on how much I hate Valentine’s day.

Look forward to such comments as “Commercialism aside, Valentine’s Day also sucks because love does not exist”.

Zing! Pow! Stay Tuned!