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Oh hey guys.

I was just thinking, you know what would be sweet?

How about instead of 5 blades that dull as soon as I glance at them, you concentrate on providing me 1 blade that is sharp? Or, how about instead of a lubricating strip, you provide me one blade that stays sharp? Or how about instead of a special vibrating handle, you manufacture a single blade that stays sharp?

Oh, and on a similar note, what is it about a vibrating series of tiny rusty blades that offers a closer shave? I am not a piece of mahogany, I am a human man person with fleshy face flesh. And don’t tell me an orbital sander is the right tool to shave with, and don’t tell me Norm Abrams would allow his five tiny oscillating blades to become rusty. He would wear safety glasses.

And how come my shaving cream has to smell like paint stripper? Is that to help strip my face, which is made of mahogany? Because my face parts are not wood, I just mentioned that.

Fuck you guys.

RobbieRobTown.

Part 4 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Storm arguably the most powerful mutant in the Marvel Universe. (In any kind of real life scenario, someone who controls the weather runs the world, but we’ll save that for another article)

Who is being recast?

Halle Berry

Now why would anyone in their right minds recast an Oscar winning actress widely known to be one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood? Well, I’ll tell you why. SHE’S TERRIBLE in this role. The accent in the first X-men movie was Costner-like in its inconsistency. And because of her top billing status, she demanded and got, more screen time thus pushing Cyclops to a much undeserved death in the 3rd movie. Even when she dropped the accent Storm didn’t seem like she could lead a cub scout troupe much less a band of powerful mutants. Besides, Catwoman means we get to retroactively revoke her comic book character card for good.

Now this was a tough one. I never used to think that there was racial and sexual inequality when it comes to casting in Hollywood until I tried to come up with a shortlist for this article and drew a huge blank. I actually had to do some digging around to find out who was out there. That means either a) There really aren’t that many great roles for African American women out there, or b) I am a horrible racist bastard.

I am sincerely hoping it’s A)

Honorable Mentions

Cassie Ventura

I personally had never heard of her until my friend Trevor suggested her. She is evidently a model and a singer, as well as a dancer. The pictures seem to say she’d look fantastic, and the dance training suggests she can probably do the wire work required for flying pretty well, but I’d have pretty severe reservations until I’d actually seen her act. Trevor, on the other hand would cast her in anything and everything and threatened the life of my cats if I did not include her on the list. So this one is for the well being of Mauser and Fluffypudge.

Sanaa Lathan

Another award winner, this one a Yale Graduate who cut her teeth on Broadway and has been in such heavy hitters as the TV adaptation of A Raisin In The Sun. You probably know her as Vanessa from Blade, or for the four of you who watched it, Alexa from AvP. She is also a regular on the Clevleand show, but again we’ll try not to hold that against her. I haven’t seen enough of her work to know for sure, but that is an impressive resume, and great screen presence right there.

Nia Long

Nia Long is used to handling the dramatic heavy lifting on Third watch, and some of the comedic heavy lifting (If there is indeed any to be had) on the Cleveland show. She’s also been in the Big Momma’s House movies, but her agent contacted us and asked us not to emphasize that too much. She seems to have that air of dignity and confidence that would be required for Storm. Definitely someone I hope to see more of.

BONUS QUESTION: What happens to a Toad when it is struck by lightning?

Answer: Everybody in the audience rolls their eyes

The “If I had a Time Machine Award” goes to

Nichelle Nichols Circa 1965

Yeah, I went there. At least I am a self aware huge Nerd. What about you? You are reading an article about Storm. Don’t judge me!

The Top 3

3. Gina Torres

Kicking ass and taking names aboard Serenity, Gina is the epitome of the strong black woman. She has the looks, the brains and the leadership qualities needed to make a great Storm. For the record, both Wash, and Morphius agree with me.

2. Zoe Saldana

Being the lead in the highest grossing science fiction film of all time (kind of) AND Playing Uhura sends Zoe’s geek cred through the roof. She was one of the highlights of a great Trek reboot, and if you insisted on skewing younger with the part, you couldn’t do much better than Zoe

And my #1 choice for Storm is…

Angela Basset

Okay she probably should have gone under the Time machine heading circa 1998, but hear me out…

This is, if I may be so bold as to pun horrifically “The Perfect Storm.” Strength, Charisma, Wisdom and all of those other D and D stats that go into making a great superhero. An amazing actress who looks like she could be kind and motherly one moment and whoop your ass the next. If I were an X-man, I would follow Angela Basset.

So that about wraps it up for this edition of the Casting Couch. Join us again soon…you don’t have to be blind to see that Elektra could use a bit of recasting.

10. The Mysterious prisoner is actually the Devil

9. The real monsters…? MANKIND

8. The Peddler who sold the person the Dollhouse they became trapped in forever is actually the Devil

7. Bruce Willis was dead the whole time

6. The patient is beautiful, everyone else is ugly…also the nurse is the Devil.

5. The young boy grows up to be Hitler…the Devil kicked him out of Art School

4. Burgess Meridith is not the Devil. But his dog probably is.

3.The Casual litterer is doomed to spend his life getting garbage thrown at him.

2.Old Nick Scratch who lives on the corner of Hellstreet and Damnation road may not be a kindly old grocer after all

1. The mysterious hitchhiker with psychic powers that William Shatner saw on the side of the plane actually died 5 years ago that very night, and every year on the anniversary of that fateful car he crash hitchhikes back to his grandma’s house to get a new pair of glasses, because the ones he had in the afterlife (when he finally had time to catch up on his reading) broke. Because the Devil broke them

Allow me to share with you some revelations I’ve had about Norm MacDonald and Neil Young.

Both of these gentlemen are Canadian entertainers who have a rabid fan base, neither of whom I have enjoyed in the past.

In fact I would say that I actively disliked them. In the case of Norm MacDonald I particularly detested his stammering delivery of non jokes that he tries to get you to laugh at by blinking you into submission. I seemed to be the only comedian in the world who was happy he got shit canned from SNL. All of my friends love this guy and his appeal was lost on me completely.

“Germans love David Hasslehoff do they, Norm? Huh. Fascinating. You know what else is fascinating? Writing jokes. Try it Norm.”

In fact my dislike of Norm was so intense, I actually SAW him in a Sports memorabilia store in LA, and I didn’t even go over and say hello or ask for an autograph.

And look at Neil Young. Take a good look at this picture….

Spare some change today, sir?

This guy is supposed to be one of the greats and I just couldn’t stand him. “You want to see a Neil Young concert?” I’d say to my pals, “ Go find a homeless guy on the street, and poke him with a stick until he starts whining. Sounds the same, looks the same…hell probably even smells the same.” Admit it, if you saw this guy anywhere near your kid’s school, you’d call the cops.

I was content with my smug hipster douchebag pronouncements for the longest time. Neil and Norm sucked, and that was that. And then something unexpected happened.

I started hearing other bands cover Neil Young songs. And sure enough, every time I did, it threw me for a loop. These were not just good songs, these were awesome songs. I was jumping around like a madman when I saw the Trews cover “Keep on Rocking in the Free World.” Hell I even dig the cheesy Prelude version of “After the Goldrush” . Not to mention all the amazing work with Buffalo Springfield, “For What it’s worth” being a personal fav. These are really profound, thoughtful, interesting songs, that musically kick some serious ass.

At the same time I started seeing some of the stuff Norm was doing and was forced to admit it was not just funny, it might even be a strange kind of genius. I finally started to get the idea that the lame duck routine was just that…a routine. His Conan appearances were always classics. His roasting of Bob Saget with horribly lame and tame roast jokes was hysterical and incredibly ballsy.And he played it so straight that somewhere, miles away in his posh estate, Bob Newhart got a shiver and didn’t quite know why. Adam Corrolla’s version of Death on Family Guy doesn’t even come close to Norm’s. And his latest appearance on Conan with the gift basket was savage and razor sharp.

And yet, despite these new perspectives, when one or the other appears on tv or the radio I fight the urge to switch the channel immediately.

So what’s the problem? What do these two have in common? I narrowed it down to one thing.

It’s the voice.

I can’t stand Neil Young’s whine, and I can’t stand Norm’s weird bleating circuitous delivery. So much so that it impedes my ability to enjoy their own particular brands of genius

“There was baaaaaaannnd playing in my heeeeeaaaadddd”

UGH!!!!

“Heeeey you know there uh Conan, I uhh found out something about camels…you know ehhh yeah yeah… they uh…they have HUGE COCKS” (Blink Blink)

GAAAAHHHH!!!

So, I hereby state for the record that I acknowledge that Neil Young is a rock icon, brilliant songwriter and a National Treasure. I also admit that Norm MacDonald is a warped genius, and innovative wise ass that deserves his rabid cult following.

And I will still only be able to listen to them in small doses.

So the only question that remains for you, dear Correctness reader is this…Where the hell do I, an ardent Rush fan, get off complaining about someone’s VOICE?

P.S. Look up Norm’s latest visit to Conan online, and if you tune in, I believe Neil Young will be on the Tonight Show this very evening.

Today’s Topic:

Hobbes is to Calvin what Tyler Durden is to Edward Norton’s unnamed Narrator in Fight Club.

Things to consider….

1) Everyday when he comes home from school, Hobbes pounces on Calvin, thus he is fighting himself

2)Hobbes may be an extension of Calvin’s personality he may not be ready to deal with yet, ie: his latent attraction to Suzie Derkins. In the Movie, it’s Tyler who bangs Marla, the Edward Norton character doesn’t even admit to being attracted to her.

3) All of these characters are, in their own way rebelling against authority

4) People who have a decal of Calvin peeing on the logo of a rival truck do NOT get Calvin and Hobbes. AT ALL.

Discuss.

Please note the Correctness has received a special dispensation, and we can, this one time, talk about Fight Club

The Correctness would like to congratulate Chloe Sevigny on her much deserved Golden Globe win last night. And thanks to her performance in “The Brown Bunny” we also know that she can fit the whole award in her mouth.

Thank you, we are here all week, try the steak.

Dear Jessica 6:

As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I am still seeking a Hot Spacewife to get Spacemarried to.  I would also approve of a Vampirewife, or a FantasyFictionwife, but I’m mostly looking for a Hot Spacewife. Probably not a superhero wife, they always seem a bit conflicted.

While I know that you are just a character in a movie, and in real life you are Jenny Agutter, and you have had a long career as a respected professional actor,  and you are in your fifties (not that 25 years is insurmountable), I would like to leave that aside for a moment.

If I had a time machine, and a machine that makes fictional characters real, I would totally ask you to be my Hot Spacewife. You are totally Spacehot. I apologize if that doesn’t sound very charming or flattering. People who write for comedy blogs are not legendarily good at sweeping spacewomen of their spacefeet.

I don’t want to put too much pressure on you, just because I’m willing to spacecommit to you doesn’t mean we absolutely have to get spacemarried.  We could just may go on a few Whedondates. Maybe I could get us tickets to see the Kessel Run, or we could vacation on Risa? Do you like Soylent Green? I know some great recipes. I use coconut milk, curry, and people.

I know you probably hit it off with Logan- I’m a little older than Logan was when you two met, but I had to take the chance on asking you. Just in case.

Sincerely,

RobbieRobTown

While I applaud your eagerness, it’s okay for my water glass to have more than two sips missing before refilling it.