6 Appalling Pop Cultural Trends of the Last Decade:

There were some awful events in the Oughties, environmental disasters, natural disasters, terrorist acts, wars, economic crises, need I go on? Genuinely sad.

Here at The Correctness though, we thought we would take a look at some insidious pop cultural trends which we have been collectively asked to accept. If we don’t acknowledge them now, we will be force fed these horrors for the rest of our natural lives. Now is the time to recognize that we hate these things, and stop them. You may also notice a theme developing with a certain demographic who is most responsible for the problems we are having. See if you can spot who it is.

1. Calling this decade the Oughties

Far too late. Far, far too late. Needed that ten years ago. And what are these, the Teenies? Worse.

2. Emo

Who foisted this torture upon us? Why did we have to take the kinds of people we used to call “fans of The Cure” and then subtract from that equation enjoyable music, leaving a meaningless string of power chords on which to build an entire culture? What kind of suffering are teenagers familiar with? At least teenage laments in the 50’s were obviously stupid. Is there anything worse than a 15 year old who tries to tell you what pain is? Approximately 1% of teenagers know what pain is, and they likely can’t afford the haircut, and don’t want to stand out at all, or advertise their genuine misfortune. And what is that thing where you prove how different you are by being exactly the same? Ugh, I did it as a teen, it’s just sad.

3. Twilight

Vampires are a symbolic substitute for sex. This is why they are seductive and dangerous to innocent young women. Just as virtually every fairy tale is a coming of age story, vampires serve a narrative purpose too.
How the gods allowed vampires to become sensitive emo kids (EMO!) that- you know what? I haven’t read the books or watched the films. Honestly. The premise is too stupid. If, and I place heavy emphasis on the hypothetical nature of if, IF I had a girlfriend when I was 15 and she had wanted to drink my blood, she could have gone right ahead- and if she had been hesitant so that she didn’t kill me, I would have started slipping my blood into her drinks and showing up at her house bleeding. A suitable horny teen will do anything, including betray their humanity, to get some action.

4. The Return of Eighties Fashion

Oh God, I lived through it the first time, it looked stupid then, it still looks stupid now, and no legion of teenagers, gangly and retarded, will convince me that these things should come back. The neon! The tights! The rubber bracelets, the glasses, the skinny jeans, the HORROR!
Since the mid eighties we have cycled through all of the fashion of the last half decade, and some of it is fun. Most of it however, is abhorrent eye-abrasive mind rape, especially the Eighties. Why is it back? What’s left to bring back? Khaki cargo pants from ‘97? Or is it back to the fifties again. Can I wear boot cut jeans and a white t-shirt, or will I just look rockabilly?
Fashion is a snake eating its own tail. The noose grows tighter, and I need not revisit my Vuarnet sunglasses and my Cosby sweaters.

5. The Return of Eighties Music, but not the good stuff

Oh, you kids love the kitsch don’t you. Look, their was some excellent music in the Eighties, but I lived through it, and this music, categorically, was not on the radio.
New Order, not on the radio, Echo and the Bunnymen, not on the radio, Elvis Costello, not on the radio, The Cure, not on the radio, the Psychedelic Furs, The Clash, The Smiths, The Cocteau Twins, REM, essentially not on the radio.
Look, obviously these artists got some radio play, but they were drowned out by a sea of shit deeper than the Navy’s finest shit-sub could ever fathom.
REO Speedwagon? Hair Metal? What Peter Cetera did to Chicago?
Here’s one for you to remember: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” Is not a good song. It is popular because it is hilarious. Don’t forget the irony built in to enjoying this song and start just enjoying it as is. It is not a good song. It is ridiculous. You like it because it is ridiculous. You might also like it because you never had to deal with it the first time around. I’m blaming you teens again.

6. The Triumph of Teen Culture

Get off my lawn, it is all your fault. You weren’t alive in the eighties, you don’t understand how godawful they were. Hollywood sells to you, TV markets to you, Radio is dying for you, newspapers were murdered by you, fashion weeps for you, politicians are terrified of you. You are mindless automatons, and you wear what the marketers tell you, you dance like we demand you do, you have no work ethic, you believe you are entitled, you are largely more obese than we ever were.
Teens, you know what? Keep doing what you are doing, because when it is time for my revolutionary army to rise up, I will be able to brainwash you so easily it will make psychiatrists cry.
We are sorry. We are sorry that we made you dress like tramps at 11 years old, we’re sorry we told Disney the formula for selling you music and television (subcategory: Things Disney did to music and television), we’re sorry we market products towards you, we didn’t know you were so weak and shitty. I don’t even think we can save you. Not only are you hormonal and obnoxious (this would be fine, it is natural) but now you get to tell us what movies and music we are going to get sold. I don’t even get why you get to tell us what is popular! You don’t have any money! I have all the expendable income in the world now, and they don’t make stuff for me anymore, because they are designing it for you! I don’t spend my money because I don’t want to buy anything that has been designed for a bunch of retarded hump-monkeys!

The Oughties were awful, and the worst thing about them was what became of teenagers. You poor, hapless, pimply bastards.

Question 43:

When you see your progress bar at the top of an online test for depression, you are too depressed to continue the test.

1. Always
2. Often
3. Typically
4. Frequently
5. Usually

Arrakis

Dune

Desert planet.

Known for two things over the holidays, 1) having the perfect Mise en Scene for the annual Fremen Nativity Pageant, and 2) some wicked kick ass spice cake. Don’t get us wrong, we are sure your Grandma’s spice cake is pretty damned good, but was it so good that you could actually fold space?

We didn’t think so.

So what follows is a small collection of original recipes from Arrakis that are so tasty, they will, as Crystal Gail so eloquently sang, turn your brown eyes blue.

ARRAKEEN SPICE CAKE

Your kids will be Arra-KEEN on this delicious spice cake.

* 2 cups all-purpose flour
* 1 1/3 cups sugar
* 1 tablespoon plus 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
* 1 teaspoon Stillsuit Rime
* 1 teaspoon Melange
* 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
* 1/3 cup shortening
* 1 cup worm milk
* 1 teaspoon Sapho
* 2 large Sand trout eggs

Preparation:
Sift together flour, sugar, baking powder, rime, melange and nutmeg. Add shortening, worm milk, and sapho; beat on slow to medium speed of electric mixer for 2 minutes. NOTE Beat irregularly. Nothing ruins a good spice cake like a worm attack! Scrape sides and bottom of mixing bowl several times. Beat in eggs(Irregularly!!!) and continue to beat for 2 minutes longer. Spoon batter into a generously greased and floured 9×13x2-inch baking pan. Bake at 350° on Habbyana Ridge Rock. Cool in Sietch and frost with caramel icing or cream cheese icing. (Remember if you use your crysknife to ice the cake, you have to draw blood before you can sheath it again.)

He who controls the Spice Cake, controls the universe!! Have seconds, see the future!

GOM JABAIMO BARS

A delicious treat with a surprise in the middle!

Ingredients:

***Bottom Layer ***

* 1/2 cup unsalted butter (Caladan style cultured)
* 1/4 cup sugar
* 5 tablespoons Melange
* 1 egg beaten
* 1 1/4 cup ghola wafer crumbs
* 1/2 cup finely chopped almonds
* 1 cup coconut

***Second Layer ****

* 1/2 cup unsalted butter
* 2 teaspoons Saudakar cream
* 2 tablespoons vanilla custard powder
* 1 poisoned needle

***Third Layer ***

* 4 squares semi-sweet chocolate (1 oz. each)
* 2 tablespoons unsalted butter

Directions:

Bottom Layer

Melt first 3 ingredients in top of double boiler. Add egg and stir to cook and thicken. Remove from heat. Stir in crumbs, coconut, and nuts. Press firmly into an ungreased 8″ x 8″ pan.

Second Layer

Cream butter, cream, custard powder, and icing sugar together well. Beat until light. Spread over bottom layer.Place poisoned needle

Third Layer

Melt chocolate and butter overlow heat. Cool. Once cool, but still liquid, pour over second layer and chill in Polar Sink

The Christmas Tradition on Dune is to give a prize to the person who finds the poison needle. If they live. No Snoopers!

YULE WORM

All hail Shai Hulud, The Maker, and Great Grandfather of the Dessert!

Cake:
2/3 Kilo flour
1/4 Kilo teaspoon soda
1/4 Kilo Stillsuit Rime
4 dozen Sandtrout Eggs
3/4 Kilo sugar
30 pounds unsweetened Geidi Prime chocolate
2 litrejons Water of Life

Icing:
1/3 Kilo butter
2 Kilo icing (confectioners’) sugar
1/4 Kilo Melange
2 gallons Worm Milk milk
1/2 gallon Sappho

Directions:

Place Thumper at least 10 -20 k away from the oven. This one calls for a lot of “Beating”, so it’s better to not take a chance

Cake:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 15meter x 10 meter jelly roll pan, and line with waxed paper. Grease waxed paper.The armpit pad on your stillsuit will do nicely.

Mix flour, soda, and salt together.

Beat eggs in a small mixer bowl at high speed, until thick and light – about 5 minutes.

Gradually add the sugar, and beat until thick. You better pray that thumper is working.

Melt the chocolate and water together, and add to the egg mixture.

Fold in the dry ingredients, and mix gently but thoroughly.

Spread in prepared pan, and bake for 15 – 17 minutes, until the cake springs back when lightly touched.

Remove from oven and turn out immediately onto a tea towel that has been sprinkled generously with icing sugar.

Remove waxed paper, and trim of any crisp edges of the cake.

Begin at the narrow end, and roll up the cake and the tea towel together. Allow to cool. Then carve segment lines into the cake

Filling:
Whip cream until soft peaks form. Stir in icing sugar and vanilla and whip until stiff.

Unroll the cake when cool, and spread the top with the whip cream.

Re-roll, without the towel.

Cut a thin slice off of each end of the roll, to make them even.

Icing:
Soften butter. Combine all ingredients and beat until smooth and of good spreading consistency. Time is running out. Radio a Harvester

Use the centres of the ends you sliced off the cake to make Maker hooks Use a little of the icing to affix the hooks to the side of the cake – one on each side.

Ice the entire cake with the icing, including the ends and the bumps.

Run a fork along the icing so that it resembles the skin of a great battle scarred maker. Don’t be afraid to score the cake deeply…fear is the mind killer…

Sprinkle with icing sugar, and decorate with tiny Fremen or other decorations.

Get in Ornithopter and take Giant Sandworm cake to Safety. Do it now! The Worm is coming!!!

MUAD D’IBEROONS

Father! The Tastebuds Have AWAKENED!!!

Ingredients:

* 16 ounces shredded Melange
* 1 can (14-15 ounces) sweetened condensed Water of Life
* 2 teaspoons Sappho extract

Preparation:
Directions for Melange macaroons
Mix all ingredients together. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto generously greased baking sheets. Bake at 350° for 8 minutes. Cool Muad Diberoons macaroons slightly; remove to rack. Makes about 4 to 5 dozen Muad D’iberoons. Warning, eating all the Muad’Diberoons may result in you becoming the Kwizatz Haderach or giving birth to an abomination. Please Jihad responsibly.

PRE-SPICE MASS PUNCH

This delightful holiday punch literally pops out of the punchbowl and fills the room with a festive cinnamon smell. Your friends in the Guild will go wild for it.

2 cups Sand Trout excretion
3 still pockets Water
5 lbs of sand.

Instructions

Pour excretions into large punchbowl

fill bowl with sand

Slowly pour water over sand

Stand back. Waaay back.

When bubble forms, hold punch cups up. Pull stillsuit hood tight to your head to protect your eyes.

Wait for explosion, enjoy!

You don’t have to be a Mentat to know that these recipes will be a hit at your next holiday gathering. But you do need one to help figure out if the party is some kind of elaborate trap to take over your business and eliminate your family. Plans within plans, people. Plans within plans.

They have an “Ave Maria” but they don’t have an “Ave Bob”. Does that seem right to you?

Dear Young M.C. :

RE: “Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry, and in five days from now he’s going to marry. He’s hoping you can make it, if you can, ’cause in the ceremony you’ll be the best man.”

Are we to assume that it is Harry that is going to marry? This makes more sense than the alternative, in which you are the Best Man at your best friend’s brother’s wedding. In that hypothesis, one would think Harry himself a more likely candidate. But, no, we need to assume that it is your best friend Harry whom is to wed.

This still leaves us with some concerns. Why bother interject about his brother? If Harry is your best friend, can’t we assume you’d know about the existence of Larry? Why would someone feel the need to share that fact with you. And it seems odd to place that sidenote in the context of information concerning a wedding.

Also, Harry doesn’t seem to be very good at wedding planning. A mere five days before the ceremony, there is still some question as to whether you’ll even be attending. It seems risky to be tentative about such an important role. Of course, one assumes that Larry could step in, if need be.

Today, The Correctness takes a closer look at Luke Skywalker, whom many have lauded as a hero, both for his role in ending the grip of the Galactic Empire, as well as playing an important role in the Prophesy of Restoring Balance to the Force. However, there is another side to this mysterious youngster, one which we’d like to shed some light upon.

The first note of concern about the stability of Luke’s mental state comes from his reactions to the events that unfold in his personal life. There are a number of warning flags raised throughout his life. Luke is a restless young man when we first meet him as an adult. He’s eager for adventure, and for a life beyond Tatooine. Soon after acquiring a couple of robots, being attacked by Sandpeople, and meeting a strange hermit from the hills, Luke returns to his home to discover his aunt and uncle, who have raised him since birth, have been horrifically killed. This, in combination with the knowledge that his father was more than what he originally thought sparks the beginning of the change in his persona.

The next critical event occurs when Ben Kenobi is “slain” by Darth Vader. Luke seems overly distraught and traumatized by this event, though he had known Kenobi for a few days. In fact, he seems more shaken by this than his earlier loss. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, and call it the release of his repressed anguish from the Tatooine events.

His immediate reaction to this is to fly back to the Death Star, and destroy it. According to people way nerdier than we could ever hope to be, the population of Death Star I was 31,622,963. So Luke’s torpedo essentially killed the population of California, a place filled with clones, reconstructed people, and British Officers (?).

A more reasonable response would have perhaps been to get the information about the Death Star to places where the people could see what their government was up to, and create an uprising, but hey, that’s a lot of work.

We skip forward to the days where Luke spends a lot of time in isolation, wandering the frozen wastes. When the base on Hoth is attacked, he flees, heading for the swamps of Dagobah. There, he does a half-assed job of learning some Jedi stuff, and runs away from that, against the advice of his 900 year old Master.

He then does relatively little to actually help his friends, and meets sees father for the second time. This would be the first time they meet face to mask. Vader cuts Luke’s hand off (a family tradition!) and tells him that he is Luke’s father. Luke’s already fragile mind snaps, and he attempts suicide rather than let his father help him to safety. Luckily, he survives.

After a somewhat successful rescue of Han Solo, marred by the great Jedi Knight being tricked by a Hutt, Luke returns to Dagobah to finish his training. But, oh no, Yoda is dying. If only Luke had listened in the first place, he might have actually been trained properly. But Luke isn’t about finishing things, mostly he likes starting, and then taking off.

Another Death Star is discovered (and the originality of that idea is a whole separate article) and the Rebels race off to destroy it. Luke is feeling all Jedilike, and surrenders to Vader (meeting # 2). He’s all ” You’re my father, and there is good in you”. Maybe this is his mind dealing with fact that he’s discovered the only girl he’s lusted after in his adult life is his sister. At any rate, after a prolonged encounter, in which the last vestiges of Luke’s mind are bashed around by family loyalty vs power etc etc, Luke’s goodyness allows Vader to throw the Emperor down a shaft (don’t get me started). Vader is dying, and Luke helps him and drags him back to a shuttle to escape the Death Star II.

At this point, Vader was probably thinking,”Why is my son helping me like i’m an old man, instead of Force Floating me to the shuttle?” Why? Because Luke missed that day in class, because he’s an idiot.

Luke doesn’t react much to Vader’s death, as they’ve only met the two times, and has tried to kill him pretty much every time they’re within 10 kilometres of each other.

Luke’s Reaction to the death of important people in his life:
Aunt and Uncle: Scream and look off into distance
Ben Kenobi: Scream and go into shock
Yoda: Look sad
Vader: Look sad

The net effect of all of this is that the Galaxy is “saved” from people who actually have a solid grasp of the Force, and turned over to a group of people for whom planning consists of “what, a threat? ATTACK!”. Also, the only 2 people we know of in the galaxy that are Force Sensitive are

1)The guy who missed most of the training, grew up without real parents, tried to nail his sister, and was stalked by his father, killed 31 million people, and can’t control his emotions enough to use his powers.

2) His sister.

At this point, R2D2 and Chewbacca, the only living members of the original Rebel Alliance and resident super spies, are shaking their respective heads and wondering if this was all worth it.

While there is no clear conclusion, it seems pretty clear that the galaxy might have been better off under the somewhat more stable Palpatine. Who knows what kind of havoc could be unleashed at the first sign of any distress on Luke’s behalf.

10. Ozzy Osbourne Peppermint Bark at the Moon

9. Susan Boyle- Yule Forget Who I am this Time Next Year

8. Kanye West Imma Let You Finish…Decorating The Tree

7. R Kelly - Golden Streams of Christmas Joy

6. Amy Winehouse- Christmas Crackwhores (Say it fast)

5. Judas Priest Screamin for Presents

4.Beatles-The Red and White Album

3.Tragically Hip – Christmas Day for Silent Night

2. Iron Maiden - I Saw Eddie Killing Santa Claus

1. Nickleback- All We Want for Christmas is Talent

Costello: Hey, would ya look at that, a terrifying evil robot or something!

Robot: Illogical. does not compute.

Costello: Oh, right. What are you?

Robot: I am.

Costello: You are what? What is your name?

Robot: I am. I exist. I have always been. I search for the creator.

Costello: But what is your name, my robotic friend?

Robot: I do not comprehend “friendship”. You will be eliminated.

Costello: But I just want to know how to refer to you.

Robot: I am.

Costello: You are what?

Robot: No, I am.

Costello: You are?

Robot: Silence your noise hole, biological infestation. My mode of address is irrelevant. I am.

Costello: Your name is “ I am”? Or your name is “what”?

Robot: DIE HUMAN!

(Costello is vaporized)

By Tbinns

(The scene is just a few feet away from the manger in Bethlehem. The three Wisemen, Balthazar, Melchior and Gaspar., are waiting for their turn to see the infant. Balthazar has a small chest that is apparently quite heavy. Melchior has a large swinging ornamental piece chock a block with some fragrant scent bringing substances.. Gaspar has a giant Teddy bear. The barn is small, and already crowded with Shepherds, so the Wise men are waiting in an orderly line up. Gaspar, on the very end strikes up some conversation)

GAS: Soooo…. What did everybody get the little tyke?

BAL: I have gold.

GAS: Ha ha, No seriously, what’s in the box?

(Balthazar shows him)

GAS: Wow…that’s uhh…that’s great. Amazing. It’s uhh…a little over the top though, I mean, it’s a baby shower. (Pause) In a barn, I’m just saying. What did YOU bring?

MEL: Frankincense.

GAS: Oh…well that makes a little more sense, it can’t smell too good in there. The shepherds alone would be eye watering never mind the animals, right? Still, I mean that stuff is pretty expensive…how much did you…? (He has a look) That is a TON. Wow.

(There is an awkward pause. Gaspar is starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with his choice of gift. He feels the need to justify it)

GAS: Still, a kid is a kid right? No point in over thinking it.( He shakes the big teddy)

BAL: This is no ordinary child.

GAS: Oh really? Oh that’s too bad. Too many toes or…?

MEL: This is the child we have been waiting for, he will lead us out of the darkness!

BAL: This is the most important child in the history of mankind!

GAS: Really?

BAL: Yes, the astrology has foretold his coming

MEL: Didn’t you follow the star ?

GAS: I just followed you guys, you were dressed up I figured we were all going to the same place. This is Mary’s baby shower right?

MEL: Yes, and the Child is the Blessed son of God.

GAS: (Pause) You’d think that would be the sort of thing they might mention on an invitation. Hey maybe you should stand at the back that way we can sort of build up to the gold…

(Balthazar nods in the direction of the Manger)

BAL: I’m up next, wish me luck!!! (He exits)

GAS: He doesn’t need luck he’s got gold. (He looks at his Teddy bear again) Oh Godddammit! (he throws it down and exits , frantically left)

(Melchior straightens his clothes, checks his breath. Balthasar re-enters in a huff)

MEL: That was fast!

BAL: Unbelievable.

MEL: What happened?

BAL: I just carried 10 pounds of gold for miles across the desert. I braved bandits, sandstorms, not to mention the extra weight. I lay a box of PURE GOLD at this woman’s feet, and what do I get? WHAT DO I GET?

MEL: What?

BAL: “Thanks. OOOOHHH Look that little boy is going to play the drum!!! Look everyone, he’s playing the drum!!”

MEL: Man. If they didn’t like the gold , what chance do I have?

BAL: YOU SUCK, KID!

MEL: Hey, hey take it easy, take it easy!

BAL: You’re up…

MEL: Aww crap.

(He exits off. There is a small pause. Then he comes back and grabs the discarded teddy bear, and takes that as well. Gaspar reenters, out of breath)

BAL: Hey.

GAS: Hey.

BAL: Where did you go?

GAS: I went uh…you know, get something else.

BAL: What did you get.

GAS: I got this jar of myrrh.

BAL: Myrrh? That’s embalming oil.

GAS: Yeah, but it’s the really high end stuff.

BAL: You are giving embalming fluid to an infant?

GAS: Well, It’s all I could find! It’s Christmas, everything is closed!

(Mel reenters still holding his gifts, speaking off)

MEL: No it’s fine, really, I kept the receipt. It’s no problem!

BAL: What happened?

MEL: Allergies.

GAS: Hey that Teddy Bear was MINE!

MEL: Went over like a lead camel. Trust me I did you a favour.

BAL: You’re up slugger. Good luck with the embalming fluid.

MEL: Enbalm..?

GAS: It’s Myrrh! Myrrh dammit. Besides, it’s the thought that counts. (He storms off)

BAL: I remembered now why I never go to these things.

MEL: Could be worse, they could start playing those dumb ass parlor games.

BAL: True enough, but I just came 800 miles on a camel to give them a pile of gold, would it kill them to put out a sandwich tray?

MEL: Forget the sandwich, I’d be happy with a cup of coffee for crying out loud.

(Gaspar re enters looking defeated)

BAL: What happened?

GAS: She seemed pretty happy until she found out what it was. Then Joseph said “Uhhh, thanks for coming, we’ve got a lot of people to see so…”

MEL: Where do these people get off? You have one kid and they treat him like he was Lord God Almigh…oh..yeah. Well, you see my point anyway.

BAL: Well, I don’t know about you boys, but that Star looks like it’s settling in over the tavern there.

MEL: Yes it is. Coming Gaspar?

GAS: Uh Huh. (As they exit) This is typical of how commercial baby showers are nowadays.

BAL: Amen!

You kids today don’t know what it’s really like. When I was young, things were different. We had different stuff that had fewer things on it, and it made more sense and took fewer batteries- or more to the point, no batteries at all, and that means it was WHOLESOME (TM). Yes, we even ate foods that were more wholesome, though actually we were all eating the same 20 commercially distributed things, and no one had heard the word organic, but everyone had heard the word “DDT”, and we used to have games like “Lick the DDT” and “What fits in my anus”, and it was a simpler time.

I used to have to walk to a place, and it was far, and you are too lazy to understand the effort involved. People used to care more about stuff, and make their own stuff, and it was better and less expensive, and it used to come with free blow jobs- And the hookers for some reason didn’t have diseases, even though sexually transmitted diseases have been around since time immemorial, but not as I recall it, and certainly not that I would tell your mother, and you should be proud of your spinal hump and skin herpes.

We weren’t terrified of crime the way that you are terrified of crime, or maybe we were, and we have forgotten, but now we’re really terrified of crime even though crime rates are dropping in a provable way. In fact, we still talk about random crime a lot, because we find it less distasteful than discussing the real problems, like the crimes that happened in the privacy of our own homes with the lights off. Behind closed doors, no matter how traumatizing, it didn’t count, because it was in private, and because we didn’t have the word “traumatizing”, so we lacked the concepts necessary to discuss it. This may be why we were so homophobic, or racist, or got into so many bar fights, and killed so many of the local “questionables” and then covered the murders up as traffic accidents. That’s not wrong, that’s just practical local government.

In any case, I don’t know who THEY are, but THEY are just waiting for THEIR chance to bugger me and steal my shoes. They would, because of their religion, likely.

In those golden years of mine, everything was good. I don’t recall when everything got bad, but there was a definite slide towards bad, and I can’t be racist or sexist at the grocery store now and still get a laugh. I need to moisturize parts of me, and other parts of me are oilier than necessary.

Waitresses don’t think it is charming when I flirt with them anymore, even though I’m certain there was a point when they did find it charming. Certain. In fact, there was a time when you could bring a waitress back to your house and do unspeakable things to her because she agreed to go through your front door, and there was no such word as “traumatizing” or “date rape”.

Yes, times were better when I was younger. Things were simpler. And before you get off being all haughty and trying to tell me we simply weren’t acknowledging the awful, insensitive, violent things we considered to be acceptable, you should come over here and imagine how we used to live.

That’s right Sonny Jim, because it wasn’t all good times. No, there were wars, which I may or may not have been involved in, and there was also great difficulty and suffering that you are incapable of understanding. How can I reconcile that those were better times? Because they were! The light was brighter, the spring weather was more mild, and the hookers had no diseases. NO DISEASES!

In any case, you kids don’t remember the eighties, or sixties, or forties, or medieval times, or Ancient Sumer, and that’s why you are a bunch retarded ass fags.