Dear Shoppers Drug Mart:

I was just about to go out tonight and buy some deodorant and some soothing ass-cream, when I had a small problem. I realized I was unsure which Shoppers Drug Mart store I should go to!

I was hoping, to save me some time, that you could help me select the Shoppers Drug Mart store located closest to me. There are, by my count, 5 of your stores within a 10 block radius of my house, and I believe a new one has just opened as well?

Also, perhaps you could assist me with another issue. I wore the same socks several days in a row this summer whilst on a long, ill-advised road trip, and it would appear that I am growing a Shoppers Drug Mart franchise (or corporately controlled subsidiary, I don’t actually know which) between my toes. Do you have a topical ointment for this?

In addition, I wonder if you could tell me which of your franchises is closest to a Starbucks? I would like to buy a strong coffee to test the efficacy of my soothing ass-cream, but I simply must be within 2 blocks of a Starbucks so I may apply my soothing ass-cream directly to their “pastries” pre-emptively.

No, I do not have an Optimum card.

Sincerely,

RobbieRobTown

Part two of our series where we recast some of your favorite comic book heroines, and sweep in like superheroes to rescue them from a lackluster performance. Today we will be recasting Spider-Man’s beloved… Mary Jane Watson

MJ, Fashion model, superhero wife, actress, and if the Spider-Man movies are to be believed, whiny self centered bitch….

Who is being replaced?

Kirsten Dunst:

Why they cast a blonde as a redhead and a redhead as a blonde we may never know. In fact, I’m going to go on record as saying Topher Grace as Peter Parker and Bryce Dallas Howard as MJ might have been the more logical casting choice, and let Toby and Kirsten play Eddie and Gwen. What we do know is that despite the fact that… well…she looks good in the rain, Kirsten’s Mary Jane came off as being snippy and selfish. He’s Spider-Man for God’s sake, so what if he missed your damned play? That you sucked at and got replaced in? Boo Hoo…people are getting mugged, buildings are burning down, AND PIZZAS DON’T DELIVER THEMSELVES!!! Maybe it was the fault of the script, but maybe it was the fault of the actress, so just in case let’s get recasting, shall we?

You may have noticed that some of your favorite redheads (Felica Day, Allyson Hannigan, Emmy Rossum, Kari from Mythbusters) Are noticeably absent from the list. That is because lovely as they are, I can’t picture any of them saying “Face it tiger, you just hit the Jackpot” without irony. But these ladies might just be able to pull it off…

Honorable Mentions:

Christina Hendricks.

She might be a touch too curvy (for the part, not for me, I’d like to make that clear) and projects a wisdom beyond her years but I think if a new film was set with a slightly older Peter Parker this could totally work. Works for me at any rate.

Emily Blunt

I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who was disappointed to hear she wasn’t playing the Black Widow, but I think she might lend a touch of class to MJ, especially a period piece 60’s style MJ

Amy Adams

She gets the honorable mention because I think she is quite a good actress, and certainly easy on the eyes…something is not quite right for MJ, maybe she’s a little too bright and sunshiney, but it would be interesting to see her take a crack at it.

Daneel Harris

I haven’t seen enough One Tree Hill to know if she’s really all that good, but I’m prepared to give her a shot based on how much she looks the part. Can you imagine your aunt setting you up with this girl? No wonder Peter is so devoted to Aunt May.

Hey, you know who I DON’T want to play the part?

Laura Prepon. Her entire acting range is “Eric!! What the hell? You Dillhole!” She specializes in various states of annoyance it seems. No thank you.

And the “If I Had a Time Machine” award goes to…

Angie Everhart.

Jackpot, Tiger. Jackpot.

And Now…The Top 3…

#3 Evan Rachel Wood

She’s a stunning, intelligent redhead, who can act, sing (Across the Universe) and likes to date freaks…how much more Mary Jane can you get than that? And speaking of unusual taste in men…

#2 Isla Fisher

I still can’t believe Borat makes sexy time with this woman. I think what would be interesting here is that she has a softer look, she’s still model quality, but still has that “Girl next door” approachability going for her. I could totally see Peter obsessing about this girl his whole life.

And My #1 choice for the recasting of Mary Jane Watson is…

#1 Alicia Witt.

Yes, Alia from Dune grew up rather strikingly. I think I actually read somewhere that she was even offered the part and turned it down, for whatever reason. Regardless of whether or not that is true, she pulls of the model look, while never coming across as vapid or empty. I think the spirit of MJ is every bit as important as the look, and I think she pulls off both masterfully.

So there you have it…Who did I miss? Any more suggestions? Join us next time when we have the temerity to suggest casting an actual Blonde who can ACT in the role of Sue Storm

See you then.

There’s been a lot of talk in the media about the negative impacts of video games. How they cause violent behavior, make people more likely to snap and start executing those around them.

We at The Correctness present this reminder of the importance of playing video games. For without them, our world would have been destroyed long ago.

The Correctness likes to take a pause every once in a while to look back and see what things were like, how the past gets us to where we are now. Today’s installment comes from admin_rock, who brings us a sentimental look back at a time we like to call “1 to 2 pm today”.

It was a memorable time, a time of wonder, of prosperity, of growth. It was a time when things were simpler then they are now. It was a time filled with hope, with excitement, and wonder. It wasn’t all good news though, there were hard times to be sure, when things didn’t go right.

ECONOMICS:

The economy of the last hour was troubled. A double whammy of a visit to the cash machine and the purchase of a lunch, combined with the lack of income over the hour left financial analysts shaking their heads. Forecasts seem better for the immediate future, but things were not all sunshine and handjobs. (ed: This COULD have been “Sunshine and Roses”, or “Sunshine and Lollipops”, but after a brief discussion, the parties involved preferred handjobs to either alternative.)

CULTURE:

Culture was to be found throughout the time, and held sway until the end of the era. Not only was music to be heard throughout the hour, but access to the internet was unfettered for the last half of the time frame. Many websites were visited, and there was a general feeling that Joseph Gordon-Levitt kicked ass on Saturday Night Live. It wasn’t all good news, as the trend dipped negatively for “New Moon”, with the indication that it was really, really terrible, and only 13yr old girls and spinsters should view it.

SPORTS:

Sports were of minimal note during the hour, with only a single reference to a football game occurring in the distant past.

QUALITY OF LIFE:

The time began on an upbeat note, with the acquisition of Chicken Pesto Penne. Not only did this quell the rising hunger trend of the past, but it also provided a pause for thought and inner reflection. There was a time of great joy when contact was made with families over the phone, and laughter over the confusion of infants using said device. Toward the end of the time though, there was an indication that things were heading towards a more serious future, complete with meetings.

POLITICS:

This was the hour that the world looked on in amazement, as Dean Walton, from marketing pulled off a shocking lunch hour coup and seized power long enough to sign for a package. This shocking power play was cut short when management returned from their extended lunch meeting.

THE FUTURE:

None of us can say for sure what the future holds. The best we can do is make educated guesses. It looks as though the near future will be a time of solemn reflection and attention to tasks, as well as a near total lack of food. Following that, time spent at the gym seems to be looming. Also, indications point to short periods of travel, followed by an end to the famine in the form of dinner.

Dear readers:

This rant is a break from the haha,  and a chance for an interesting discussion. If you are in the mood for some funnies, why not check out this jem from our back catalogue:

http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/travel-guide-to-middle-earth/

And now, a serious rant:

Some of you folks know I am back to school, and I have been reintroduced to my old arch-nemesis, social science. Oh, just to clarify, not any one specific social science is my arch nemesis. It’s actually ALL of the social sciences. Group elements of psychology, sociology, social anthropology, communications theory, and to some extent economics. I won’t even attempt to classify philosophy in here.

Without spending pages and pages comparing the implementation of the scientific method in pure sciences and the “social” sciences, I will skip right to my main concerns.

1. The social sciences are largely failed sciences, because they are based on generalities which are subject to the whim of popular culture, the enculturation of the subjects and the researchers, and more importantly, presumptions about whole groups of people.

2. Social scientific “fact” has a shorter half life than pure science, and the demonstrable exceptions to the theories are manifold, and more dependent on statistical analysis of variation to be provable.

Any science that dwells in generalities, to me at least, is open to bias. However, if bell-curve racism is on your greatest-hits list, then you are going to love recent gender research.

Social scientific research into all kinds of matters has been tailored to the mood of the times for years. It was factually provable that women were too intellectually delicate to vote some time ago. Don’t even get me started on the ridiculous stereotype minefield that is the communications concept of “genderlect”.

Of course, my Humanist and egalitarian bias is a convenient position for convincing college girls that I am all sensitive and shit. But I assure you, the real problem here is not that I think there are no discernible, testable variations along gender lines. My concern is that the very things we seek to reveal as guideposts for a true understanding of the differences between humans are, for the most part, socially constructed. What we can prove with hard science is not a consistent determinant of behaviour. I would like to reiterate that point: Factual tangible science does not alone provide us with accurate tools categorizing the complexity of human behaviours by race, gender, age, or hamster preference.

Gender research in children has been struggling along gamely as well. While the pure sciences can demonstrate differences in neurobiology, these developmental differences are not supported into adulthood. Adult males and females, by around age 30, have all caught up with each other.

The concern for some time has been that there are (supposedly) testable differences in certain mathematical and spatial abilities in boys that girls struggle with. In the early nineties, the problematic idea that boys were somehow getting ahead was blamed on patriarchal enculturation. Programs were developed to foster girls’ self esteem in math and sciences. Later, in the early 2000′s, physical neurobiological differences were the source of these problems, and this was simply a matter of differences in brain development- perhaps if math were more based in context, and less in abstractions, the immature female brain might be better suited to deal with such matters? After all, young women had such advantages in social matters, languages, and organizational ability over young men.

Here’s the problem though. Some current research suggests that there are no statistical differences between mathematical ability in boys and girls. AT ALL. No difference. So what have we been proving is “fact” and arguably “true” for 25 years? Well, essentially nothing. The hard science about differences in brain development adds up, on the human level, to precisely dick all- Of course, that is a social scientific result, so it could just as easily be disproven…

Here is the fundamental problem with the Great Social Sciences. Generalizations are valueless, ineffective and extremely dependent on the worldview of the researchers involved.

For some time, I have had a theory I have been wanting to put to the test. Suppose we divide a group of children into “red hats” and “blue hats”. Then, we spend years tracking them. We tell the community at large that there are correlations between behaviour types and academic abilities of red hats and blue hats. Then, we allow researchers to study the test results, the blood types, the musical skill, the stool samples of both groups. I argue that we would quickly notice trends in the arbitrary red-hat-blue-hat divisions, trends with which we could predict behaviour, trends which were statistically demonstrable.

I must assure you that these variations would be statistically demonstrable. If there were any black and white truths to the behaviours and abilities of red hats and blue hats, there would be no need for statistical analysis. Any old chart would show that all blue hats are unable to write poetry. It is for that reason that statistics are so insidious. They show us differences (they expose deviants?) too small to be consistent, too small to be casually observable, and yet they are treated with with the same weight and importance of obviously quantifiable data.

Where social sciences fail are in the complexity and elegance of humanity. That which we seek to define runs in waters precisely as deep as that which we already believe. Even in the case where we choose to believe the opposite of the popular conception, we are simply creating arguments to support an equally intangible alternative.

Of course, you may all choose to disagree with me, because I am a red hat.

RM

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s the Finals! Two men enter, one man leave!!! The Flash vs. Superman for all the hypothetical marbles!! It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

ROB:

Well, it’s the final round this week, and we’ve all had a chance to reminisce about our success as a one hit wonder comedy blog, and talk about how “Keys to the VIP” is a show somehow, while The Correctness does comedy for free because we are obviously not as funny as “Keys to the VIP”, which as I previously mentioned, is somehow a televised “comedy” program for which a staff of writers and producers get paid.

Superman versus The Flash. Much has been made over who is faster. Much has been made over who is more capable of time travel. Much has been made of who could deposit a brick inside the head of whom.

Several questions are immediately raised. First, is Superman impervious to damage all the way through his meaty parts, or his he built like a mighty tank that is lined with tender meats? If The Flash just showed up inside of Superman with a cheese grater, would Supes live, or die? Or can Superman only be defeated from inside of his own body by kryptonite-coated viruses, or love?

If The Flash truly is faster than Superman, how long can The Flash flee the total devastation of his anus meats before he needs to stop for an energy drink or sandwich?

Here is how this would go down. The Flash has none of the awesome superpowers that Superman has, but he might be a teency bit faster. The green light flashes, the flag goes up, The Flash takes off fast, and Superman runs right after him.

After a 14 hour continuous chase in which The Flash makes up a bit of ground, but hasn’t gained enough time to go looking for kryptonite because Superman is right on his ass the whole way, The Flash starts to get tired. There is only one thing to do now. The Flash travels back in time, because he travels so fast, and attempts to kill baby superman with kryptonite on the Kent farm. However, Superman has travelled back into the past as well, and has prevented The Flash from being bitten by the radioactive lantern which gave him his powers.

If these time travels happened simultaneously, and logically they did, because they did these things in the past, and they would appear to be more or less simultaneous to us in the present, or maybe not, because who the fuck can figure out time travel- wait where was I going with that thought? Oh right, nowhere. Oh! No, wait, it was headed this direction:

If you, as a comic book writer, commit the cardinal sin of science fiction and create two characters that have been known to time travel, there are any number of possible outcomes, each with thousands- even dozens- of possible paradoxical narrative issues. If you have done this, as a comic book author, you are ruining Christmas forever, because Jesus hates cats that eat babies like you, you baby eating cat. You make my think-meats hurt.  Also, meats.

Look, Superman has been around a long time, and Superman is going to win. He has been written with more and more powers of convenience, and he is the iconic representation of the entire concept of Deus Ex Machina.  Flash, sure, your writers have done some ridiculous things to you, but you haven’t been ridiculousified the way that Supes has. Eventually, Superman is gonna wear The Flash down, no matter how many times The Flash can’t be hit because he isn’t there, no matter how many times The Flash leaves a brick inside of Superman’s head, No matter how much either one of them time travels. Exhausted, bloody, and somewhere in 1958, The Flash disappears in a puff of trademarked Flash powder, while Superman creepily smokes a cigar, and shits on The Flash’s corpse- what of it isn’t ashen. Supes turns into a real dick when he has to run through time like that, particularly because he won’t stop and correct other historical atrocities, but he will save Lois Lane from a mudslide.

Winner: Superman.

Loser: Kitty Pryde, who I still insist could not have ever been hit by Superman.

Draw: Meats.

DAVE:

The Finals! You can feel the electricity in the air! Nothing like it.

This matchup is one of epic proportions. We have Superman, he of almost every superpower possible, the archetype for superheros everywhere. Almost no weaknesses, apart from Kryptonite and Magic.

We have The (Barry Allen) Flash, The Scarlet Speedster, Mr. FastPants. Has the advantage of being able to do everything really quickly. Weaknesses are that he has no armor or strength to speak of, and can be felled by a solid right hook.

But in the finals, anything can happen, and usually does!

Superman flies in to begin the battle. The Flash looks up at him, and begins vibrating quickly. They engage in a number of super-fast skirmishes, faster than the eye can see. This goes on for hours. The Flash is unable to gain the upper hand. He thinks about getting his hands on some Kryptonite, or something magical. But he is thwarted in each effort by Supes, who is keeping pace.

Finally, he teleports to the JLA Watchtower, in hopes of getting his hands on some of the Kryptonite stored there before Supes can get there. As he open the case, he’s blinded by a strobing light that Superman has placed there.

As he pauses for a moment, he’s knocked over by a punch that destroys his left ear, taking his equilibrium with it. He looks up, dizzy and barely conscious. Superman is standing there, apologizing for his actions, and launching into a speech about how the true cost of being is hero is …

Suddenly, a green glowing spike appears through the S on his chest. Superman looks down, shocked and bewildered. He can’t believe this is happening. He slumps to his knees, and Barry sees the looming figure of Batman, holding a second kryptonite knife. The Batman smiles a terrifyingly evil smile, and plunges the second knife into Superman’s neck, killing him. Barry smiles and holds his hand up for Batman to take. Instead, Batman steps on his throat, crushing his windpipe and killing him.

Batman clearly faked his own death last week, and anyone with an ounce of brains knows that he’s incapable of losing to someone like The Flash. Or anyone else for that matter.

Batman vs Superman = Batman
Batman vs The Flash = Batman
Batman vs Entire JLA = Batman
Batman vs Zombies = Batman
Batman vs Every person on the planet at the same time = Batman.

You exist because he lets you. If you see him, it’s because he wants you to. Did you know what he was doing? His choice.

In fact, I’m starting a religion based on the gospel of the Bat. Why do bad things happen in the world? Because Batman wants them to. Why do innocent people drown? Not sure, but Batman knows. Is he all-powerful? As far as he wants you to know, he is.

Winner: The God-Damned Batman

Tony

Ahhhh The big day, and the big question…Do I face derision for picking the Flash?

Someinternetguy: WTF!!!!! The Flash can’t beat Superman, you’ve destroyed everything my life is about and now I’m going to dress orphans up as the Flash and beat them up wearing my Superman shirt and it is COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!!!

Or do I face derision by picking Superman?

Someotherinternetguy: Jesus, don’t you know that The Flash (Insert obscure power from back issue nobody knows or cares about here) plus he already beat Superman in issue 7 of Even More Infinite-lier Crisis, read a fucking comic book you (Insert homophobic insult about certain body fluids they imply I willingly and recreationally ingest.)

Well I do know this much. You’d be an idiot to buy this on Pay Per View because it would be all over in about 6 seconds or less, and you wouldn’t see shit. Plus they’d probably charge you an arm and a leg for the three hours hyper slowed down blu-ray set, with making of documentary, interviews commentary by the winner.

Make fun of Wal mart all you want, but I guarantee you that this fictional Blu-Ray would be about 5 bucks cheaper at your local fictional Wal-Mart.

The question remains, who will be on the commentary track?

Well, with two days to prepare, I think Barry knows enough to ask Alfred if he can poke around the Batcave, vibrate his way through a lead safe and get a certain piece of jewelry that Batman always kept on hand. In fact, I’d be willing to bet he’d get it couriered to him by Alfred with a note from Bruce saying :

“Dear Barry (If it wasn’t me, it would have to be you. Yes I figured that out because I’m the Goddamn Batman) Please take this with my compliments and say hello to Clark for me.”

So Barry has the kryptonite ring, and I think we all agree he is just a smidge faster than Supes.

But if we do the math, ie: 1 power versus about 40, plus Superman’s ability to do ranged heat and cold based attacks (holy crap, I sound like the Player’s Handbook!) at the end of the 6 seconds it’s Superman who is standing there.

Until…The arena floods with Kryptonite laced sea water. Superman is brought to his knees, by an entire pod of psychic dolphins. He hears a familiar laugh as his thighs begin to be eaten away by piranhas…

Aquaman has spent the whole time seething about being kicked out of the bracket FINALLY comes up with his master plan! And as Supes raises his head to blast the smirking Arthur with heat…Out of nowhere comes THE BOY WONDER! ROBIN who kicks him square in the jaw…sending him face down in the Krypto heavy water, to be consumed by rabid piranhas and a shark or two. Then it’s back to Aquaman’s pad for a “Victory party” with Robin, Aquaman, and Aqualad, who spend the night testing Arthur’s customized vibrating prosthetic hand replacements. And seeing whether or not the whole Led Zeppelin Groupie rumor is plausible.

Now THAT would be an episode and a half of Mythbusters.

No, seriously though. It’s Superman, who else could it be? I only wanted him in the bracket because I liked the idea of him and Hulk going at it, and that never really panned out. The DC Metahumans are just too powerful.

This is why I think we should do a bracket with lamer competitors. Stay tuned for Edward from Twilight vs. Pikachu.

Winner: Superman (and the Correctness! )

So there you have it. Superhero Smackdown comes to an end, with Superman standing tall. And now we know never to include him in such a tournament. Oh well, live and learn.. A big thank you to all of you, and to the folks at Fark who have been so generous with their highly prized green lights. We’ll have loads of other content for comic lovers though, including The Correctness Casting Couch, in which we recast comic book movie heroines for fun and no profit. And starting in the New Year, we might just have a fresh set of brackets for you. Of what nature? Come back and find out! Plus our usual brand of goofiness will of course continue.

If this is your stop, thanks for joining us and we hope you had a pleasant ride.

We are not sure why, but we have an inkling that you might have something to say on the topic…please do so below!

If you use the term “Party Cardi” out loud, we will seriously come after you and take a massive handful of sand, and pound it up your ass. Unless you like that sort of thing. In which case, we won’t!

As a preview to Friday’s final Superhero Smackdown, we’re taking a long look back at the moments and comments that led us to where we are.

Most Controversial Decision:
SPIDERMAN vs GREEN LANTERN

We caught more flack from the readers on this one than any other smackdown. Many disagreed with the unanimous victory for Spider-Man. Way it goes. Click the link above to see the comments board in all its glory, full of derision and failness.

Smackdown What Broke The Server:
HULK vs HELLBOY

With too much raw power and demonic energy in the air, our former web host pulled the plug as we jammed up the interweb tubes with comic fanboy goodness. The upside is that we switched over to BlackSun, who are gods among hosts. If you need some web hosting, give them a shout, tell them The Correctness sent you.

Who picked the winners?

Keep in mind that 2 votes is enough for a win, so the percentages will be high.

In the Round of 8,

Dave 8/8
Rob 7/8
Tony 6/8

In the Quarter Finals,

Dave 4/4
Tony 4/4
Rob 3/4

In the Semi Finals

Tony 2/2
Rob 2/2
Dave 1/2

Total

Dave 13/14
Tony 12/14
Rob 12/14

Best Entries:

Dave: My favorite entry of the tournament was this one from Rob. I love it because it makes me laugh many times, and also because it became a beacon for those without any sense of humor, with which they could find their way here and point this out to the rest of us.

Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time. How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

While I’m on the subject, I would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Tony: If there was a best writer Smackdown between the three of us, I’d vote for Rob as well. Which is ironic, because he was the one who took the most shit and abuse out of any of us. Very few artists are appreciated in their time. Comparing Batman and the Flash to Wile e. Coyote and Road Runner was awesome, and his retraction of the Green Lantern origin was the Mona Lisa of Nerd baiting.

Winners of the “Anonymity + Internet = Asshole” Award

We received many, many comments on the Smackdowns, these were our favorites.

>” I have read many of your ridiculous super-hero fight predictions and have come to the conclusion that you (Tony, Rob, and Dave) are either…
1.) Totally fucking retarded
2.) Trying to piss off real comic book aficionados
or
3.) Both
In the immortal words of Matt Stone and Trey Parker; “You guys are fags!””

>“Any fights these guys have come up with or used their “humorous”logic on before has negated any present and future discussions on who would win in a fight. I realize arguing on the internet is like the special olympics, but you guys are flat out retarded to begin with.”

>“Way to phone it in, guys.
‘I don’t think my writing assignment is interesting, so here’s a story about how I planned to blow up my school!’ lolwut?
Jesus fucking Christ. Hire someone else or get a different encephalitic cum-eating intern to do this shit.”

>“The only fucktarded thing here is the writing. And the website. And the fact that I wasted time answering this.”

>“I agree these morons are smoking crack.
Where the hell did they come up with this notion for the Green Lantern’s origin?
“Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.”
Were they high as balls when they wrote this awful article?”

>“you guys are fucking idiots. INFINTE COSMIC POWER versus some dickhead teenager with homemade webshooters?
read a god damn comic book jesus.”

But it wasn’t all bad, some people were on board with us…

“Very well written, funny, well thought out, and mixed it up between the three of you.

So good job cum-dumpsters “

Some of the comments were actually COMPLIMENTARY! and didn’t use the word cumdumpster.

You guys are hilarious, keep it up
*sorry this remark isn’t more inflammatory*

This was a great response to Rob’s point in Wolverine vs. Superman, where he said the Iron Giant didn’t say “Wolverine” and make him cry at the end of that movie…

I will also point out that at no point in Red Dawn did Patrick Swayze cry out “Supermen!”

and we would be remiss not to mention Tomass doggedly rooting for his favorites, Robin and Aquaman to be reinstated and kick some ass.

Never stop the dream.

If you could go back and change our answers on any, would you? If yes, which ones?

Tony: I stand by most of what I said…but the Batman over Hulk nags at me a bit. If I had never read the Ultimates, I would have given that one to the Hulk. In fact…Can I change my answer?

Dave: You can, but unless someone else does too, it won’t make a difference.

I have no changes that I would make. Most of my entries are gut feeling-based, and thus, I go with how I feel. I would, if I could, go back and change the bracket a bit, to avoid some of the weaker match-ups, and to remove Superman, not because he’s insanely overpowered, but more because he annoys the fuck out of me.

Rob: Curiously absent, probably on his cum eating break.

So there it is. Tomorrow, Superman vs. Flash. And then we will take a little Smackdown break (because no one likes verbal abuse over the holidays) but we will continue updating our usual goofy shit every day, so do come back.

Oh and are you at all curious about who would win in a fight between the Joker and The Green Goblin? Dr. Doom and Magneto? How about Killer Croc and Abomination? Then we MIGHT just MIGHT have something for you in the New year.

Thanks for reading, lets have coffee sometime!

Love, The Correctness

I was basically minding my own business at the university, as I usually do. You know, just eating some inexpensive plain rice, and watching girls go by.  Maybe this is a bit autobiographical, but ever since 1/3 of The Correctness went back to school, a lot of the young girls seem way more retarded than they seemed the first time around.

So, there I was eating my rice and watching the fifteenth or sixteenth 19 year old girl get snowed by some 3rd year psychology student who wanted to just go somewhere private with her and “Just people-watch for fun.”, when my friend Kimura came over. He gave me the usual hello by allowing an implausible large smile to appear instantly on his face, blushing violently, and having his eyes disappear into tight lines in the folds of his cheeks.

Anywho, suddenly the sky in the student centre went all multicoloured and blurry, and the camera panned around to my arch nemesis Hiroko. For those of you uninformed, you can easily spot Hiroko as my arch nemesis because his hair is taller, more spiky, and more blonde than mine.

“So, RobbieRobTown, we meet again, only this time I control the DrakkBattle Cubes!” said Hiroko, as the multicoloured pastel background reflected in his huge glossy eyes. He held aloft his Battlecard BallPower StickSpoon 9Mech.

“Oh no!” Said a terrified Kimura, “Hiroki has come to battle your DigiGen GI-Force BakuSushiMon, but your HamsterMon is weak from battling the KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X!”.

Kimura could not have been more right. Only last week while I had been waiting in a very long line for rice (Because it is shorter than the Tim Horton’s line by a significant margin.), I was forced to battle my tired HamsterMon.  The KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X was in line ahead of me, and changed his order several times.

The camera (I already mentioned the camera, but there is a camera in the student centre that follows me) snap-zoomed in on my face, and I held an angry stare with Hiroko.

I turned to face Hiroko. “Not so fast, Hiroko, I have been training my trading card/ arm holstered/ real life creature/ video game thing HamsterMon, and I  have already played the MechaTornadonite Cretttt Nort, and I am ready for this battle!”

Suddenly, the card-stock illustrated character creatures on our cards magnified to 50 times their original size. My once cute HamsterMon sprouted green spikes and razor sharp teeth on his Digigyoza Anus.

Hiroko’s TurtleJesusNondaiMon Red Series drooled acid onto the floor, melting a 19 year old girl.

“You cannot defeat me now!” Said Hiroko. “Your HamsterMon is too weak! And with the DrakkBattle Cubes activated, you have lost all your reversal MonCheeto Ran Ran Reduxite points!”

“But you have forgotten one thing!” I said, pausing for dramatic effect while our giant drooling monsters didn’t actually fight, but instead waited around while we discussed a card game/ plastic ball battle that was somehow simultaneously literal and metaphorical. “I have activated the Gotogoto Tenfive Z lore cards! And because I have Jandu’s Ring of Lunghat, Your DrakkBattle Cubes are in reversal Clamato mode!”

Suddenly, our two montsters leapt into the air, and yet with very little movement, attacked each other! They made several quickly edited but limited motions, and as they collided and struck each other flashes of light obscured the action.

Finally, without any sense being made, HamsterMon shrunk back into a regular hamster, and nuzzled into my neck. Meanwhile, Hiroko’s hideous TurtleJesusNondaiMon Red Series turned back into a collectible playing card, instead of a small living creature.

Then I bled profusely from my eyes due to massive brain trauma. That was pretty much my Thursday.