Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

This week: The Man of Steel vs the Amazon Princess

DAVE

This one looks pretty simple at a glance. Superman is strong. Like, REALLY strong. And he’s invulnerable to pretty much everything, except rocks from space. And he can fly.

But most of those things are also true of Wonder Woman. And these two have gone toe to toe before, and it wasn’t over in a moment. Most people are going to underestimate Diana in this battle, that might be her advantage.

I think the key to the victory lies in the character traits.

Wonder Woman finds out about the impending battle. Visits Batman, gets kryptonite in lead lined box, waits for Supes to arrive.

When he does, she waits, cautiously. Superman steps forward, and launches into a monologue that lasts about 180 minutes, touching on friendship, honesty, how lonely it is to be an alien growing up on Earth. For 179 of those minutes, Diana listens, growing more and more bored, until finally her attention wavers for a moment, and Superman moves in for the knockout. One punch, and a lot of super fucking boring talking.

Because that’s who Superman is. An overpowered, uninteresting blowhard. He’s that jock from high school who can’t shut up about how great it was to be in high school, and when you friend him on facebook, all of his status updates are about how awesome it is to have friends from high school around.

Eventually, you unfriend him, and he destroys your house by dropping a tree on it. But I digress.

Winner: Superman

Rob

Golly wonkers you guys, I’m still reeling from all the bitching about how Kitty Pryde was gonna take the match and how everyone hated that idea, and then when Wolverine beat her how you all complained about that. Well, I’m not falling for that trap again. I’ll side with whoever I feel like, and you can all just complain that you are leaving the site forever, but then not leave, because I will charm you with….uh…. whatever attributes that I have which are charming.

Okay, here are some facts:

1. Superman got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern on the planet Vulcan. Wonder Woman has a costume which looks better illustrated than in a live action TV show.. Edge: Hal Jordan

2. The people at the University of Wikipedia Warsaw Campus assure me that part of Wonder Woman’s incredible strength comes Amazon training involving focusing her mental energy into her body. However, “her powers would be removed, in accordance with Aphrodite’s Law, if she allowed herself to be bound or chained by a male.”. This is inarguably the hottest thing I have ever heard described, and I am in no way requesting links to the fan illustrations of Wonder Woman in compromising positions involving bondage. Edge: Wonder Woman.

3. Not to belabour the point too much, but if Wonder Woman and Kitty Pryde found themselves in some kind of crossover in which they had to use their combined feminine powers to escape from some kind of sexy dungeon, possibly Arkham Asylum, I would buy all six issues of that miniseries. It would be best if there was some kind of tentacled creature involved as well. Edge: Wonder Woman

4. Superman is Superman. Deus Ex Machina. He is like what Baptists think Jesus is like. Edge: Superman

5. Has anyone else read Niven’s “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex”? It has nothing to do with this fight, but it sure as hell makes me think.

6. So, Maybe Kitty Pryde has to gently kiss some kind of toxic poison off the lips of Wonder Woman, but then, a single strand of this poison which is only dangerous to WW trickles down her midriff and to regions lower. What is Kitty Pryde to do?  The soft lighting of the dungeon and the scent of incense fills the room with an aura reminiscent of hot summers by the lakeshore, with a looming thunderstorm that might cool things down just so… Once the poison has been removed, the two share a strange silent moment of closeness.

Anywho, this is a fight to the death, and we have to assume that Clark Kent would get the fuck over himself, and kill Wonder Woman. No amount of boy scout ethics or Kent-Farm-Wisdom will stop him from annihilating her. This is too bad, because she’s about the only living woman he could breed with successfully. Assuming, that is, that their DNA was compatible, which it cannot for any fathomable reason be. Kryptonians are solar powered freaks, and humans are easily killed by swine flu.

Winner: Superman

Loser: Superman’s future babies.

TONY

Where this one gets interesting of course, if one can claim that it is at all, is that because these two work together so closely, they absolutely know how to exploit each others weaknesses.

and then will completely fail to do so based on a strong sense of honor.

So it’ll be knock down drag out. I don’t think she’d use kryptonite, even if she could get some. It would seem like “Cheating”

Late era Wonder women as opposed to her sexist/fetishist earlier incarnations, has been written more Xena and less She Sa if you take my meaning. She’s a warrior, with a berserker streak. She often chides Superman for NOT using everything he’s got and behaving like the God he is. Plus she’s got a magic sword that cuts through everything like butter. Apparently she’s even taken Bats AND Supes out before. there is precedence and canon here.

But that said…I’m still giving it to Superman. There is just too much going on with that dude power wise. It’s almost like at some point they just made up a new power for him every week, and then they were stuck with them all.That’s how his crappier villains were born.

“Uhhh…how about another Superman, with bad skin and he…talks backward?s Oh and a magic elf that won’t go away until you say his name backwards!”

They were very big on backwards in the Superman writers room at some point, it seems.

So with edge to Superman, and with deference to the whole “Just fly her into space” arguement, I’m giving this one to The big Blue Boyscout

Winner: Superman

DECISION: Superman

So the Semi Finals are Set! Flash vs Batman, Wolverine vs Superman.

Next week: Flash vs Batman!

Tell us how wrong and dumb we are below!

(ED: Today’s article comes from our vast archives. This originally appeared in the July 1910 issue of The Correctness.)

The Correctness is concerned about health issues, as we all are. With all this talk about Hand Washing, we’ve decided to get to the bottom of the issue, to help you avoid any confusion.

CLAIM: Hand Washing can kill germs that make us sick.

We’re not ones to hop on a band-wagon, but there seems to be some validity to this. Earlier this year, Dr. Josephine Baker began program in New York City to educate child care workers about hygiene issues like hand washing. Opponents to her program are claiming that such measures are reducing the need for doctors and health care, and that such a thing will cause a lack of illnesses.

We decided to speak to many of these indidivuals, to hear their complaints. Here is what they had to say:

Dr. Robert Hechler: “Hand Washing won’t stop germs from spreading. In fact, it will make them spread faster. Moving them around with all that water. It’s a disaster waiting to happen”.

Dr. Otto Reichensvold:”Hand Washing hasn’t been tested enough. Do you have any idea what is in SOAP???!!! It has lye in it!!! LYE!!!

Dr. Samuel K Sammail: “Anyone who cares about their bodies should avoid hand washing. There are better ways to destroy germs and stop illnesses, such as applying leeches to one’s parts, and smearing garlic upon the brow of a newborn child. That’s assuming you can find a child who hasn’t died at birth, of course.”

Dr. Frannie Stevenson: “Hand washing doesn’t kill germs. God kills germs.”

Dr. Abner Dulang: “People over the age of 25 are immune to germs, to tell them they need to wash hands is immoral”.

Dr. Harold Buferkin: “This all sounds like an attempt by the government to control the population. Next they’ll be trying to “cure” smallpox.

LASER SLUTS FROM MARS:

PART VI: THE SEXY WRATH OF THE SPACE TITS UNDERGARMENTS

Juliette set her tea cup down onto the saucer. What had motivated her to use her grandmother’s good china for tea today was beyond simple explanation. Nonetheless, she had been drawn to the good china, and she felt a slight sense of coy scandalousness for having selected it.

She stepped out onto the balcony of the house she could somehow afford, and looked across the lawn to the waterfront . The wind whipped up and pressed coldly against her chest, leaving her with a familiar wistful feeling. Her wavy hair was lightly buffeted by the wind, somehow, because her hair really should have been blowing around quite a bit harder, but that’s bad for the audio.

The Atlantic lapped gently up against the shore, belying the wrath of her water spirit which was usually reserved for cruelest winter. That’s the Atlantic’s water spirit, not Juliette’s. Because, Juliette was a pisces, so she might have a water spirit, but the water spirit of Mother Atlantic is key for the Oprah demographic.

From the wood shed just out of frame- sorry, just at the edge of the water, emerged Daniel. Daniel tugged at the threadbare waistband of his caravan sweater, and pulled it over his head, revealing his impossibly hairless underwear-model body. He cast a sullen and mysterious glance back at Juliette. Was Juliette wrong to have seduced this younger man? Daniel cast his deep blue eyes back upon his axe, and he continued laboriously chopping wood. He worked up a sweat that smelled of sagebrush and cedar, and not at all of ass stench and skanky cheese. The cold wind hardened his nipples to a terrifying diamond sharpness, and the utter lack of body fat on his twenty-something frame only deepened his sullen mysteriousness. Some would argue that an older woman might have some difficulty finding any mysteriousness in a man this young, but Juliette knew the depths of his soul, and knew that this biochemist had only returned to his small hometown to care for the orphaned sea otter cubs.

Daniel put down his axe, and walked in implausible slow motion towards Juliette. Juliette dropped her eyes, and drew her wrap more tightly around her slender frame- A frame which showed no obvious signs of extensive personal trainer effort, largely because she was caked in make up that most preternaturally thin women require to disguise their lack of pleasing curvature.

Daniel drew close to her, flipping his hair out of his face, only to have it fall back again. He stood a head taller than her, except during the kissing scenes, when he was somehow the same height as her.

“Talk to me like the wind”, he said to her, homosexually.

“I have daddy issues.”, she said, truthfully.

For a moment they stood in silence. There was time for that, because this was a Wednesday, or possibly Thursday, but in this place, in this moment, in this burgeoning love, neither one of them had anything better to do, and yet both could still afford to live and eat.

Daniel departed tenderly, like a beef tenderloin might depart, and then he repaired the leak under the bathroom sink without using the appropriate tools. Likely, he would emerge from beneath the sink with a greasy rag in his hands, which he would set on the counter in a motion that would mimic casualness. His shirt would also likely remain off, unless he needed to seem mysterious for some reason, perhaps disguising the scar on his back caused by some childhood abuse from a stranger, and not at all by a family member like the way those sorts of abuses actually occur.

Juliette would later prepare a meal for the two of them, which would end up hilariously wrong. Then, she would dance with Daniel to the sound of some Motown tune that she was inexplicably fond of, despite her so clearly having been raised in the seventies. One thing was certain, the two of them would dance to a song that you used to enjoy until just a moment ago, and they would fall about the floor laughing with youthful abandon. In any case, you will never want to hear that perfectly good Motown song again.

Later still, as the film draws to a close- or the novel- whatever, later still, I will shit blood unceasingly from having experienced this. If I am unlucky, I will return to my apartment and Manswers will be on TV, and the double edged sexist stereotype blade will disembowel me.

The Correctness has seen a lot of stupid things in its day, but few more stupid than the recent spate of “alternative remedies” which purport to make you immune to H1N1. Things like “wash your hands”,”gargle with salt water”, and “drink oil of oregano”. Washing your wands is a great practice, and gargling with salt water makes your throat feel nice, they won’t increase your body’s immunity to an airborne virus. Many people are claiming that the H1N1 vaccine is “untested and rushed”. We’re assuming that these same people can point us to the Lanset Journal article on the double-blind study on the efficacy of Oil of Oregano…. We’re still waiting…

In light of this, here are some other things that won’t raise your immunity level.

Eating Tacos at Lunch – Tacos are delicious, and we love them. They combine many of the good things in life. One time, when we were leaving Monterey, we stopped for a burrito, and it was awesome. But it didn’t make us immune to the flu.

Midichlorians- In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t cause H1N1 with their crappy expository existence. Seriously, Lucas, WTF?

Saying Please and Thank You- Again, we fully endorse this behaviour, and being Canadian, we pretty much can’t help it. But our studies haven’t conclusively proved this helps with flu.

Crossing Your Fingers – This one is just bad form. Usually, it’s a sign that you’re attempting to deceive someone, or renege on a deal. Flu can see right through that shit.

Not Feeding it After Midnight- Wait, no, that’s for Gremlins. That one you should listen to, just not for H1N1. Damn, you really thought that?

Using Q-Ray Bracelet- This will be as effective as the Slap Chop, which is to say, not at all. Or maybe that’s just what the military industrial complex WANTS you to believe.

Not Drinking Water with a Meal- The idea of this stopping the flu is much like the idea that you can’t get Syphilis from a hooker as long as you pay her. It’s simply not true.

Introducing Small Pox to the Flu – What? Are you people serious? That not how it works, but, forget it. Look, this is difficult at best, because as we all know, Smallpox was eradicated through the practice of pouring Hydrogen Peroxide in your ears. Oh wait, no, it was through a VACCINE.

At any rate, we wish you well this flu season, and remember, wash your hands, look both ways before crossing the street, and above all else, remember to hang an onion above your door.

Dear Fans of The Correctness:

Recently, we had one of our fans leave our site for good, because we (okay, I) accidentally offended her.  I am very sorry. Since we are down now to only four fans total, I felt I would take a break from the funny and try to do something for the betterment of mankind that you can all appreciate.

What could be more free from controversy and possible offensive content than a delicious recipe? Almost nothing! So here, to provide something safe and comforting for you, is a nostalgic recipe.

Genocide Racist Nazi Crippled Abortion Trans Gendered Catholic Priest Rape Squares:

3 tablespoons butter or margarine
1 package (10 oz., about 40) regular marshmallows
- OR -
4 cups miniature marshmallows
6 cups Puffed Rice Cereal

1. In large saucepan melt butter over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until completely melted. Remove from heat.
2. Add Puffed Rice Cereal cereal. Stir until well coated.

3. Using buttered spatula or wax paper evenly press mixture into 13 x 9 x 2-inch pan coated with cooking spray. Cool. Cut into 2-inch squares. Best if served the same day.

It’s no secret that The Correctness are big fans of Joss Whedon. He’s made a string of shows that are brilliant, funny, and engaging. We watched Buffy (movie and show), We watched Angel. We loved the hell out of Firefly and Serenity. We crushed on Dr Horrible. We (well, at least some of we) really dig Dollhouse. But Joss, buddy, we need to talk about how the networks (we’re mostly looking at you, Fox!) treat you.

The Friday night death slot is just that. Death. If they air you on Friday, they cancel you soon after. You know it, we know it. The executives and their notes, asking you to change this or that, showing episodes out of order, making you reshoot pilot episodes, etc. The list goes on.

Here are the facts: You know how to make good TV. You know how to find like-minded people to help you do this. You have a great rapport with your actors, and have gathered a stable of folks who will do anything you sign on for. And, hey, millions of fans who feel likewise.

We know you were doing Eliza a solid by taking on Dollhouse through Fox. But after the reports that Fox will “air all 13 episodes this season” and that you’re being shelved for the sweeps period, we’re all in agreement that Fox doesn’t give a crap about you.

So, we’ve been thinking about this, and we think that you should ditch TV once and for all. We keep our eye on things like DVD sales, and we noted that even a show like Babylon 5, which was a cult favorite, and not a mainstream hit, in the words of its creator “have raised over 500 million in revenue.” Dr. Horrible was a big hit, and it wasn’t made for TV at all. You see what we’re getting at?

Get a few backers together (or hey, maybe you have the cash to bankroll the thing yourself), and produce your own show, make it, slap it on iTunes, sell DVDs at the end of season, get it on Hulu. You KNOW we’ll all fork over some cash to see more great storytelling. At the very worst, we’ll still treat you better than the network execs.

The press will still cover you, network or no. The ComicCon crowds will spread the world. The fanboys will love your bold steps, and we’ll be done with the Fox network entirely (well, okay, we’ll keep watching House, but that’s it!). We’ll even start a whole new site called “The Jossness”. Or not, that sounds pretty lame. Then, when you’ve proven the model works, when the Season 1 DVD sales roll in, you can ramp up the production values for season 2, when everything gets good anyway.

Also, when all this works out, remember your old friends at The Correctness. And give J.M.S. a call, and tell him to do this too.

Love, The Correctness.

The Correctness is working on cracking into the Hollywood market. We’ve been busy coming up with film ideas. Here are a few that we’ve pitched and, for reasons we can’t fathom, have been rejected.

HOLOCAUST DOLPHINS (Working Title)

The touching and troubling story of a pod of dolphins that are captured by Nazis and placed in a seaside internment camp in July 1940.Will the beauty of these majestic creatures overcome the cruelty of man? Can the dolphins find warmth and love in the midst of cold, unrelenting fascism?

CONSTANT ENCOUNTER

Shia LeBeouf to star in the story of an ordinary man who is placed in a series of strange, action filled encounters, while trying to discover the reason why he is being… we haven’t actually figured out the rest, but Shia, action, encounters!!!! Look, if Spielberg and Lucas don’t need to make sense in their screenplays these days, we don’t see why we should.

TO THE MANOR BOURNE

The story of a proper English butler and the house he tends. Trouble comes in the form of a young American maid and her uncouth ways, which sparks a forbidden and burning desire between them. Add a secret agent with amnesia to the mix, and we have a film guaranteed to please both men and women. Think Die Hard meets Howard’s End.

SENSE AND SENSIBILITY AND SENSELESS VIOLENCE

When the Mr. Dashwood dies, the Dashwood women are left in reduced circumstances. As they make their way to a cottage in the country, they succumb to rabies (or perhaps the ancient evil of vampirism?) and bite each other to death- though not before they feast on the flesh of half the innocent citizens of Upper Wickforderstecheshire. Come for the biting, stay for the lesbian vampire blood orgy.

LOW BUDGET VIRAL HORROR THING II: RETURN OF THAT THING: THE REBUDGETINATING

After the runaway success of Low Budget Viral Horror Thing, and their innovative ad campaign which was web based, or on youtube, or scrawled inside a downtown telephone booth, or some such, millions upon millions of dollars have been thrown at the production of a sequel. The original writer and director were sold up the river by the original producer, who accepted a check to pay off the original production costs, and green-lit a script for the sequel that barely resembles the original. Megan Fox takes her top off. Twice.

June 15:
Those cult guys came around again today. I know they are in a cult because of the nametags, photocopied literature, and matching discount suits from Tip Top. I pretended I wasn’t home. I hate those cult guys.

June 16:
Cult guys are back, they knocked, and knocked, and knocked. They must have waited on the porch for twenty minutes. I think they stole my newspaper. I would never be an asshole like those newspaper thieving cult assholes. Do they know I’m home?

June 17:
Cult guys are back again. If I open the door naked, would they just be all weird and enjoy it? Or rape me? Or, even if I’m not naked. I mean, should I invite them in? They sure are persistent.

June 18:
Okay, I’m thinking of inviting the cult guys in, but not with the house like this, I mean, look at this place?

June 19:
No cult guys today. First day I received newspaper this week. Also, all my mail was open.

June 20th:
This time they sent girls! This might be one of those cults where they try to bait you with the cheap sex. I like the cheap sex, I’m gonna finish cleaning and invite the cult ladies in tomorrow.

June 21:
What sort of appetizers do you serve cult ladies? I guess I’ll put out what I have here.

Wait, have I been out of the house this week? I guess not since the 15th. Do I even have a job? Maybe I should join this cult. Joke’s on them if I do, I rent this apartment.

June 22:
Well, I guess I can have as many kinky threesomes with hot cult chicks as I want as long as I give the Supreme Love Over-Watcher all my money and worldly possessions. Also, I have to eat a diet entirely of celery and bean curd. The diet seems to foster some indifference in the ladies to the threesome thing- Are all threesomes so quiet and bored?

June 23:
Well, The cult ladies came by again today, but I’m a bit full of bean curd and celery to do anything too sexy. We mostly just talked about the splendour of The Supreme Love Over-Watcher.

August 17:
Sorry it’s been a while, I’ve moved to the compound. The girls made me a uniform out of all the newspapers these guys have been liberating for the greater good. I sold my blood to buy a discount suit from tip top, and every day is like a sexy slumber party that smells like celery bean curd fart, and that also isn’t sexy at all.

August 19:
Busy yesterday, cut off my own balls to please The Supreme Love Over-Watcher.

September 19:
Woke up in hospital. Apparently, the bean curd and celery diet made me somewhat anemic, which is only problematic if you do something like cut your own balls off. Evidently I am also allergic to certain types of common antibiotics. I miss The Supreme Love Over-Watcher, I know he’d know just what to say through his discount-suited emissaries.

October 20:
Well, My lawyer helped patch things up with my landlord, and now that I am eating regular food again, I’m having a hard time remembering what I enjoyed about cult life so much.

Oct 21:
It was the threesomes.

Oct 22:
No, maybe it was something about The Supreme Love Over-Watcher. Pass the bean curd please.

Dear Big Trouble in Little China:

It’s been a a year or two since we were together last, but my love for you is still as strong as that day in 1986 when we first met. I loved you then, and I love you now.

I love that you combine elements of Kung-Fu, action, adventure, and comedy films in a giant mash-up, so that I never know what is coming next. I love that you never take yourself too seriously, yet you treat your characters with care and thoroughness. I love your giant battle scenes, complete with bad-ass hand signals. I love the swaggering bravado of Jack Burton, and the fact that while he thinks he’s Indiana Jones, he’s really quite bad at what he does.

I love your cast of interesting and strange characters, from the wild and mysterious Egg Shen to the bright and resourceful Wang Chi (who is either the sidekick, or the hero, depending on how you look at it.) Even Gracie Law, who enters the “Dragon of the Black Pool” restaurant with the line “Don’t Panic, it’s only me, Gracie Law”. She and Jack fire dialogue at each other like they’re in “His Girl Friday.” Speaking of Jack, Jack Burton is the manliest man ever to spit out lines like “I was born ready”,”It’s all in the reflexes”, and “When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like that: “Have ya paid your dues, Jack?” “Yessir, the check is in the mail.” ” Not to mention David Lo Pan, the ancient sorcerer, and his henchmen, The Three Storms.

I love your rich, detailed sets. The Dragon of the Black Pool is warm and inviting, a restaurant after hours with a family meal being prepared. David Lo Pan’s endless factory with its rooms filled with ornate Chinese artifacts. I love the Chinese Hell of upside Down Sinners (the Chinese have a lot of Hells). I love the paper doors (”Paper? Paper. F*#$ it.”) I even love the cheesy neon lighting that appears in the throne room battle.

I love your quirky plot, following Jack’s attempt to get his truck back, and free Miao Yin from the clutches of Lo Pan. His epic struggle against forces bigger and stronger than himself. I love the Six Demon Bag, and the magic potion that makes him feel pretty good.
I especially love the way Jack charges into battle…well…not so much charges, more “immediately gets knocked out”.

You’re not the most thrilling movie ever made, nor are you the most moving. But you’re perfect at what you do. You’re a cult classic that works hard at telling a story, no matter how ludicrous a plot you weave. You’ve aged MUCH better than say “Buckaroo Banzai”.

So, while new loves come in to my life, and others fade in to the distance, rest assured that I’ll always come back to you.

Love,

admin_rock

Dear Square Enix:

I have a couple questions about Kingdom Hearts.

1. Why in your advertising do you pronounce “385/2 days” “three-eight-five days over two”, when logically it would be “three hundred eighty five over 2 days” or even more logically “192.5 days”?

2. WTF is with Kingdom Hearts? And, can you also explain the story of the game to me? Whose Nobody made Dixie the Waitress do what to Akira?

http://na.square-enix.com/khdays/

3. What does that have to do with Mickey?

4. What is an Enix, exactly?

Thanks.

RobbieRobTown