This excerpt from a Lovecraftian “Choose Your Own Adventure” story, unpublished and partially complete, was submitted to The Correctness anonymously.

You are an intrepid adventurer! You are Dr. Louise Klimt, Professor of Antiquities at the Miskatonic University near Arkham. You are well respected, and you have an impressive knowledge of arcane matters and the occult. You are also a sincere looking brunette woman with knowing doe-eyes. Maybe you are a red head, but most likely you are a brunette. Whatever the case, you are an implausible knockout babe. Just to be really clear, you are not a blonde. Oh, and you paid your way through grad school by being a dancer- a legitimate one- maybe not- no, definitely not. Yeah, actually, you were a stripper, but in a self- actualized kind of way, you know, like you were really comfortable with your sexuality, so you could strip and still not get caught up in the awful culture of that trade. Only once or twice did you seduce one of your fellow strippers, and it was all in good fun.

Today a letter arrived at your door. It was an urgent missive from a friend who had journeyed to the deepest heart of the Amazon. It contained a dire warning.

“Dear Dr. Klimt:

I fear things here have gone horribly awry. Half of the archaeological team is missing, and Jenkins seems possessed by some ancient spirit- it’s hard to say if he stumbled upon some jungle hallucinogen or not, but he keeps repeating “h’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,” and I fear that means our team is in great peril. Please send assistance as soon as humanly possible, we will need your expertise most urgently!

Sincerely,

Jonothan Buckmueller”

What do you do?

If you would like to hastily arrange travel to the Amazon, flip to page 17.

If you would like to reminisce about your lesbian experiences in college, flip to page 29.

Page 29:

Terrified for your Friend Jonothan Buckmueller, you arrive at your home in the historic Klimt Manor and make your way to the library. There, you will have the privacy to think and consider your options.

To take your mind off things, you slip into something more comfortable than your fitted academic garb, opting instead to change into your favourite costume piece from your days at the club, and elaborate and lacy French maid ensemble.

Able to relax for a moment, you find yourself in a meditative state, able to recall in precise detail the night you delicately seduced a new young dancer with your wiles, wanting, in a way, to both punish and sensually reward her for the charm of her naivete.  She was fresh from a small town, and had no idea how to cope with the overwhelming sexual authority you exuded. So easily you unlaced her corset and ran your other silk gloved hand up the soft skin of her inner thigh, kissing the side of her neck.

If you want to rush to the amazon now, flip to page 27.

If you want to become visibly aroused, and be interrupted by the milk maid who, alarmed by your saucy attire, spills cold, fresh milk all over herself, flip to page 18.

Dear Joe Jackson

If you have indeed seen gorillas walking with pretty women down your street perhaps you should be less concerned about who your ex is dating and more concerned about calling the Animal Control people.

Sincerely,

TBinns

Dear Guy in Detroit Rock City,

To answer your last (final?) question about why your are going to die, it has to do with a fatal combination of speed, your self confessed inability to turn in time, the gigantic truck bearing down on you and some rather elementary physics. If you have any further questions…oh. Too late, never mind.

Sincerely,

TBinns

Dear Beatles

I feel it would be remiss of me not to point out that there are, in fact only 7 days in a week. Perhaps in future you should not put Ringo in charge of the calendar. Or scheduling.

Sincerely,

TBinns

Dear Sympathy for the Devil Guy.

I give up. I have no idea what your name is. Perhaps if you stopped hooting and dropping oblique hints and just told me , (Or perhaps worn a nametag?) our conversation might have gone a lot smoother.

P.S. Why were you out jogging with David Lee Roth?

Sincerely,

TBinns

Dear War,

After an informal poll with many of my friends, I have found that pretty much none of them know the low rider. Perhaps you could give the low rider a Facebook page to improve it’s profile.

Sincerely,

Tbinns

Dear Glass Tiger,

Please accept my apologies, as I totally forgot you when you were gone. Practically the very minute you left. And I must confess some part of me was relieved.

Sincerely,

Tbinns

Dear Beyonce,

YOUR left or MY Left? Stage Left? please clarify.

Sincerely,

TBinns

The Disneyfied version of Lois on Family Guy last night was kinda hot. That’s all I have to say on the subject

We at the The Correctness know what you’re thinking: “Those bastions of manly nerd are far too masculine and macho to ever shed a tear during a film.” But, NO, we say, NO. You are wrong. Even The Correctness has a soft side, apart from our blindingly white doughy midsections.

Thus, we present to you a list of films that make a grown nerd cry. Now clearly, some films shouldn’t bother applying within. There is no room for standard snot-inducing fare of the “Notebook” or “Term of Endearment” ilk. Nor do we have time for standard Man-Cry films like “Brian’s Story” or “Shawshank Redemption” (though prison rape does make us sad). Our list deals strictly with films that make nerds cry. It must have nerd content, deal with geek issues, or speak strongly to the unpopular and downtrodden. Those are our rules, that is what we stand by. Oh, and one of them is not a film. Our. Rules.

Begin!

The Sixth Sense

Not traditionally a tear jerker per se, but we refer specifically to the scene in the car when Cole tells his Mother about the conversations he’s been having with his dead grandmother.

When You’ll Cry: “She watched you dance…” ummm is someone chopping onions in here? That must be it.

Iron Giant

Stupid Robot. (Sniff) Never liked him anyway.

When You’ll Cry: At that one word.

Lord of the Rings

9 Hours of awesome movie. The Happiest of Happy endings. All of Middle earth assembled to hail Aragorn, the New King of Gondor. Arwen rushes to his arms, at long last, he drops all hint of decorum and embraces her, the crowd cheers, and do we cry? Nope not one tear. Camera moves to the Hobbits, who attempt to bow, and

When you’ll Cry: “my friends, you bow to NO man!!”

Ergh. There’s something in the Correctness’s eye, excuse us..

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

You would think the sheer amount of overacting would be enough to make us cry, but no that wasn’t it. I think it might have had something with ONE OF THE MOST ICONIC SCIENCE FICTION CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME dying. And back in them days kiddies, we were only 50% sure he was coming back.

“Ship…out of danger?”

Say what you want about Shatner, but he said more with that little hitch in his voice at the funeral than most actors say in three pages of dialogue.

When you’ll Cry: “His was the most (hitch) Human.”

The Princess Bride
The pinnacle of Nerd Romance, this movie is funny, touching, awesome, and oh, did we mention awesome?

When you’ll cry: When Peter Falk says “As You Wish”.

Up (2009)

The tale of a Carl, a widowed senior who tries to fulfill his childhood dream by filling thousands of helium balloons and flying his house to South America. Voiced by Ed Asner, Carl is dealing with; aging, retirement, losing his freedom, and the heartbreak of losing Ellie, his lifelong companion and fellow adventurer.

Up has a 97% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. If you don’t tear up at least twice in this film, you have no heart, and were likely created and designed by the Cyberdine Corporation. Or maybe Omni Consumer Products. Maybe you were a side project of Yoyodine Propulsion, or you’re a Nexus-6 replicant posing as one of us, trying to fit in by wearing a see through rain coat.

Point is, you’re a robot. As are 3% of the Rotten Tomatoes reviewers, all of whom were built by Mom’s Friendly Robot Company.

When you’ll cry:(Spoilers!!) Early in the film when we see Carl’s wife Ellie pass away, and the resulting sadness and loneliness he feels.If you don’t choke up when he’s sitting beside her casket with One lone balloon you are dead inside. Again at the end of the film, when he remembers her once more.

Big Fish

Tim Burton’s tale of tall tales, travelling salesmen, and the south. Albert Finney is fairly awesome in this film as Edward Bloom, a man who loves to spin a tale. Billy Crudup plays his son Will, who is tired of hearing the stories, and has a rocky relationship with his father. Ah, nothing like a Father/Son relationship to get the nerd in you blubbering.

When you’ll cry: Around the time Will picks up the story.

She’s Having a Baby (1988)

This one makes the list because A) It came out in the late eighties, a special time for The Correctness, B) It’s about a man coming to terms with having to grow up, C) It was directed by John Hughes, who is a demigod in the Nerd Pantheon.

The story of (well he has a character name, but really he’s always just) Kevin Bacon, from the day he gets married, through to the birth of his first child. Kevin deals with the change that marriage and responsibility brings, and finally mans up. Similar territory to “Knocked Up”, but without any annoying chuckling from Seth Rogan.

When you’ll cry:

Towards the end of the film, when Kevin’s wife is performing the titular act. There’s some complications, and things get pretty tense. Also, Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work” is present to open your tear ducts wide. (Though the soundtrack’s “Apron Strings” by Everything but the Girl is more throat-lump producing for some of us.)

Only 1/3 of The Correctness has kids, but that 1/3 can attest to the fear, anxiety, praying, and emotional release that a good old complicated birth can bring. And he’s tearing up just writing this entry.

Forrest Gump

Despite it’s comical whirlwindiness, and its American History through the eyes of an idiot savant, Forrest Gump seals the deal with a heart-crushing final scene.

When you’ll cry: “I miss you, Jenny.”

(Note 1/3 of the Correctness, whose name rhymes with Boney Fins would like to register his complete disgust and revulsion for this manipulative piece of crap being on the list. The only thing he cried about was the loss of his 8 bucks. He has said his peace, you may now proceed.)

Futurama: Jurassic Bark

We LOVE Futurama, and suggest that you should as well. No episode is more beloved than this one, though we personally never want to watch this one again. We don’t want to talk about it anymore. Stupid dog.

When you’ll cry:
THE DOG WAITED FOR HIM EVERY DAY UNTIL HE DIED!!!

WE SAID we don’t want to talk about it anymore!! (Choke sniff) Stupid dog.