In case you haven’t read it already, and began weeping openly, crying “Nooooooooo!!!” to the heavens ala Darth Vader in Episode 3, Disney bought Marvel Comics for 4 Billion Dollars. We here at the Correctness think there will be some changes on the horizon…and here, for no reason at all, are ten of them

10. She Hulk: The Movie starring Miley Cyrus

9.Namor will beat the living snot out of the Sea Witch in an upcoming direct to DVD Little Mermaid sequel

8.Spider-man will continue the emo/dance number direction he went in the third film, and he will merge with the High School Musical franchise.

7. Stan Lee will laugh at all of us on his private island. Satellite photos will show him drinking a Mai Tai and giving us the finger.

6.Adorable Baby Avenger Dolls will be added to the “It’s a Small World” ride. there will also be lyric changes
“It’s a world of “Hulk Smash”, a world of “Thwipp”, it’s a World of “Bamf”, it’s a World of “Snikt”

5. Donald Duck will be revealed to be a Skrull.

4. Mickey will be added to the Correctness Superhero Smackdown Bracket

3. One of our beloved characters will be turned into a gaudy , tourist friendly Broadway musical, with the music written by some self important pop star that…oh wait…that’s kind of already happening.

2. Wolverine will go back to Weapon X for de-clawing. And neutering

1. Tony Stark, depressed at the recent buyout, will go to a bar to get drunk. There, he’ll find Kermit slouched over his beer. He unsteadily looks up at Tony with bloodshot ping pong ball eyes and croaks…”You too huh?”

Why is it that when some other car`s iPod transmission takes over my own, they`re always listening to something very, very shitty?

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

Superman vs Iron Man

(Editor’s Note: To the douchebag on Fark who couldn’t figure out from the images and the constant references by name that we were talking about Hal Jordan last week because we didn’t specify that in that in the title, for our purposes, Iron Man is Tony Stark. Not James Rhodes, not Ozzy Ozbourne, not even your mom.)

Rob: Well, straight out of the gate we need to clear a few things up. Firstly, it’s pretty clear the Man of Steel isn’t made of steel, and Iron Man isn’t made of iron. This is a metallurgical nightmare. Both of these guys are probably other types of alloys, and fridge magnets may or may not stick to them.

Next, on a more serious note, and since I don’t want to be accused of having no genitals again, nor the ability to seduce a woman- both of which are irrefutably true, but irrelevant to my opinion as a comedian- I have some concerns about just how strong Superman is. Supes is either somewhere on the scale between a very, very strong human being, or omnipotently strong in a Greek God kind of way. In various mediums, Superman has been punched hard by humans and rattled, or he has been totally unaffected. I’m saying this because, either the Iron Man suit would make this fight interesting, or Superman would crush Tony Stark inside of the suit like an aluminum can filled with styrofioam- No, I don’t know why in this simile the aluminum can is filled with styrofoam. Maybe it’s because the Nerdosphere knows I have no genitals, and so I have time to fill aluminum cans with styrofoam and crush them just for shits and giggles.

And, lest we forget,  we’re leaving aside whether kindly ‘ol Kal-El would actually hurt someone to death- again, this is Friday Night Fight, not Sunday Tea and Biscuits. Again though, we’re presuming Supes in in a killy mood.

So, taking into account that it is hard to judge just how strong Superman is, and just how melty is x-ray/heat vision is, and just how much oxygen is in Iron man’s suit, this could be interesting. Nonetheless, if we look at Superman’s most awesome moments, and assume those are the standard, we’re going to have to assume Super Man wins. Oh, Of course Tony Stark has the financial abillity for find lots of Kryptonite too, but even so…

Decision: Superman

Dave: Well, it’s a sad day for Iron Man. As with all brackets, there are bound to be some early mismatches. That’s what makes the whole bracket concept work. Iron Man had the bad luck to square off against the Super Hero of Super Heros. He’s wishing he could have taken on Daredevil (but who isn’t?). For the sake of argument, let’s give Tony Stark a fighting chance. Let’s say he knows about Superman, that he knows about the Kryptonite thing. Tony Stark flies out into space and procures some big K. he flies back to Earth, and stands just behind the Kryptonite, encased in lead, waiting for Supes. As he stands there, gloating, telling Superman about how he knows about this weakness, Superman grabs Iron Man, and takes him back into orbit, in say, a fifth of a second. Assuming a fight to the death, Tony Stark becomes fuel for the Sun moments later.

That’s a best case scenario for Iron Man. Besides, Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr’s charm aside) is a huge, government registration program loving douchebag, and The Avengers are boring as shit.

Superman takes this without even wrinkling the tights.

Decision: Superman

TONY:

IRON MAN: You’re the man of Steel huh? Well I’m the man of Iron and THESE are my kryptonite laced REPULSOR RAYS!!!

SUPERMAN: Great Caesar’s Ghost!!!!

IRON MAN: Really? You say that? Without irony?

SUPERMAN: Cut me some slack, I was raised in Kansas

IRON MAN: When I’m done kicking your ass here, I’m going to get my publicity department to work on a better catchphrase for you.

SUPERMAN: I’m actually more famous than you. Without a publicity department. And you’re starting to annoy me and that is a collossally bad idea.

IRON MAN: Who’s the brunette in the stands…? One of yours? nice…I like em with a little spunk.

SUPERMAN: Oh, it’s on, Iron Bitch

Again, I am making the assumption that Tony is given time to research and create a “Supermanbuster” armor complete with Kryptonite repulsor rays, and perhaps even made of a Kryptonite alloy. Surely no disagrees that he has the resources, and the smarts to do this. This has been done to Supes twice before, and it only worked once, and the guy in the suit was Batman. And even he had to feign death to capitalize on his advantage. But Tony is an EXPERT at creating armor. This is not a side project it’s his life’s work. Surely his suit would be among the ones that actually beat Superman, right?

Well if it were straight up hand to hand, and the armour was made of Kryptonite alloy, and he nailed him good with the Krypto repulsers maybe, and again just maybe because if Stark fucks up even once, it’s over. And no matter what people say, Clark is no dummy. He’s got few tricks up his sleeve as well. Ol Supes has an ace in the hole. He can heat Tony’s armor to intolerable levels from accross the arena without getting anywhere near the Krypto suit, assuming he can stay clear of the repulsor rays, and given his super speed I’m going to say yes, he can do that. Or he could freeze it up from a distance. And if there ISN’T a Krypto alloy in the suit? Well…remember that scene in Superman where he squeezed coal into a diamond? Say hello to the Stark Memorial Diamond.

I’m sure Tony thought he’d take care of Supes, have a shower, then nip over to Lois’s place for a few cocktails and an “Exclusive interview” but his cockiness will undo him. Superman is altogether just too …Super. I know one thing though. I would totally want to see this as a movie.
Decision: Superman

The Winner…Superman!

Once again The Correctness is unanimous. And if you are here from Fark, as many were last week, welcome back, and please stop yelling at us. We are primarily a comedy site. No one here actually thought Green Lantern was bitten by a radioactive lantern. Next week…oh I don’t know how about a little Hulk vs. Hellboy? Tony is a notorious Hulk fanboy…this ought to be interesting. Stay tuned!

We get dozens of emails saying that The Correctness does nothing but make fun of, and mock things. Those emails are just stupid. Clearly, The Correctness is a bastion of all things good AND bad. To that end, we present the mirror opposite of our list of 25 things wrong with The Star Wars Universe. We know that the normal behavior of Star Wars fans is to shit all over the thing they claim to love the most, but if we didn’t love it in the first place, we couldn’t hate it so much.Again, these are not in any particular order.

On with it!

1. The Lightsaber

No weapon in the history of film has had as much impact as the Lightsaber. For decades now, children have been pretending to have one, making the unforgettable whhhah whhhah sound, and mistaking the pronunciation with a popular hard candy.

And why not. It’s a kick ass weapon, deadly, elegant, and glowy. It has distinct sound effects for both the activation and swinging of, and it comes in a variety of colours. And who didn’t make an excited squeal noise when they first saw the double sided bad boy Darth Maul had?

2. Boba Fett

Boba Fett is a fantastic villain, mysterious, mostly silent, hidden behind a really cool helmet. He also flies, has a BFG, and a rocket launcher on his back. Arguably, he was taken out too soon, and didn’t get a lot of screen time. This actually added to the mystery, and guaranteed his place in the list. He died like a bitch but damn if he didn’t live like a man. We think. Again the whole mystery thing. Jetpack. Cable ropes. Awesome.

3. R2D2

There is no better droid one could ask for. R2 is a faithful, stalwart companion who is completely driven with carrying out his mission, whatever that may be. The Correctness has a theory that R2′s intelligence and capacity is highly underestimated, and that he was, in fact, one of the Rebellion’s 3 Super Spies, constantly pulling strings from behind the scenes, and even hiding in plain sight much of the time.

4. John Williams

We remain firmly convinced that 30 to 40% of Darth Vader’s coolness stems directly from the “Imperial March”. Part of what got us so excited during the Episode 1 trailer (besides the double sided light saber sqeeeealll!!!) was hearing the strains of “The Force theme” in the background. Cue after cue brings us right back to the excitement of the moment. The Tie Fighter attack, the opening theme, even the Cantina theme it all comes back to us when we hear the perfect music from the Maestro. and in a similar vain…

5. Ben Burtt

Light sabers switched on, blasters firing, tie fighters roaring by, Jawas chattering, Huttese Rumblings,droid noises, Ion Cannons blasting, Racing Pods thundering by, these are highly unique, identifiable and fully awesome sounds. Ben Burtt is the driving force behind creating a complete a believable soundscape that a) puts you right in the moment, b) thrills you every time you hear it, and c) makes you want it for a ring tone.

6. Darth Vader (Particularly, Empire Strikes Back Darth Vader)

One of the great villains of all time at the height of his powers. The breathing, the voice, the armour…here was an actual PRESENCE. The best villains are the ones who don’t actually have to rant and rave and scream. The best villains are totally in control, like Don Corleone. Vader can kill you by thinking about it. He can stop laser blasts with his hands. He can kill you by thinking about it when you are on a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SHIP, so when he very calmly says to you

“Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly?”

Rethink whatever shit you were about to pull on him immediately.

BAD ASS!!!!

7. Han Solo

We don’t know anyone who idolized Luke growing up. It was Han all the way. He had the attitude, the cool ship (more on that later) the Wicked Side-kick (More on THAT later) The Cute Girl (Definitely more on THAT later) and on top of it he had all the best lines. And back then they were funny! They are only unfunny now because we’ve been quoting them at each other for 25 years.

“I Love You”

“I know”

Classic!

8. Star Destroyers

Blast of Music. Logo. Opening crawl. Planet. Blockade runner. AND THEN SHEER FUCKING BUGSHIT CRAZY AWESOMENESS THAT SEEMS TO GO ON FOREVER!!!

9. The Millennium Falcon

We have no idea what the Kessel run is, nor do we know why it is measured in unit’s of distance instead of time, but whatever it is, the Falcon clearly owned it. It, more than any other ship in the Star Wars universe, was a character more than a piece of hardware. Temperamental, vulnerable, heroic, and brave. The Correctness loves and misses the Falcon.

10. The. Metal. Bikini.

Thank you George. Thank you.

11. POV shots from spaceship cockpits

Back before high end videogames, this was the only way nerds could experience the Star Wars universe first hand. It almost took it out of movie realm and into amusement park ride.The Battle of Hoth was made 10 times cooler with pov shots, as was the Death Star trench run in A New Hope. Didn’t you used to dream of an immersive 360 photo realistic Star wars flight simulator showing up at your local arcade? no? Just us? Fine, moving on…

12. Darth Maul

Ahhh Darth Maul…who used the power of the dark side of the Force to prevent Episode One from being a total loss. Here is a direct quote heard at the first night screening of Episode One, regarding the lightsaber fight… “There’s two of them…and he’s KICKING their ASS!!” Imagine how much better the subsequent films could have been if he had been able to stick around.

13. Chewbacca

“At last, we have the mighty Chewbacca.”

It would be like hanging around with a big, loyal dog who could fly spaceships, and rip the arms off of your enemies. Who wouldn’t want that? Chewie never said a word of intelligible dialogue in 4 films and we love him anyway. Perhaps in the case of Mr. Lucas’s dialogue skills it was largely for the best. We got a tiny taste of what the Battle of Endor SHOULD HAVE BEEN in Revenge of the Sith in an all too brief battle scene on Kashyyk, but shouldas and couldas aside, wookies, and Chewie in particular are teh awesome. The Correctness has determined that Chewie was likely the second Super Spy, as he patiently pulled strings and gently nudged things in the right direction for decades.

14. Stormtrooper uniforms

Well, the armour doesn’t seem to work against rocks and sticks, much less blasters, and they clearly can’t hit shit, and if your visibilty is limited on a space station notorious for not having safety rails you might have some workman’s comp in your future, but damn if they didn’t look cool!

15 The Emperor

When faced with a script full of terrible dialogue, Shakespearean actor Ian McDiarmid made a decision. He was going to tuck a napkin into his shirt collar and mow down on the scenery for the duration of the film. His plan worked gloriously. With each passing moment we made ourselves more his servant. You practically wanted to hiss at him every time he was on screen. We’re shocked they didn’t give him a mustache to twirl.

16. George Lucas

Two Words: Lifetime Pass. Eat it Nerds, he owes you nothing. He was nowhere near your childhood on the night in question. The Prequels had way more bad than good, and it hurt us all, but we wouldn’t be so over the top about it if we didn’t insanely love what he gave us in the first place. As much as we make fun of his dialogue and curse him out, (and we do) there isn’t one of us, or dare we say one of you that wouldn’t geek out if he invited you to take a tour of the ranch. And you’d be all nervous and refer to him as “Mr. Lucas” while avoiding eye contact. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

17. The Speeder Bike Chase

If the Correctness could sum this up in 3 words it would be AAAAAAGH! LOOKOUT!!! TREES!!!! a super high speed chase (once again enhanced by POV shots) in an area where the use of such vehicles would be dangerous and stupid. So essentially they are just like ATV’s , only you have to imagine drunk assholes instead of Biker Scouts on them. A great sequence and a super cool vehicle.
18. Yoda

Told you, we did. Kick ass is he.

19. AT-ATs

Practical? No. Cool? Fuck yeah. That seems to be the Empire’s motto, now that we are thinking about it. Imperial Walkers looked nigh unbeatable. The original shock and awe tactic. They are the primary reason we play the Hoth level over and over again on Star Wars Battlefront. And unlike the Death Star, AT-ATs actually completed their mission of destroying the Rebel Base. Now if only something could be done about those pesky trippable legs.

20. Leia

This is not your typical damsel in distress. She gives as good as she gets and generally takes zero crap from anyone. Don’t believe us? Ask Jabba, who died a somewhat Carradine-esque ignominious death. She can swap a) quips with Solo, b) blaster fire with Stormtroopers, and c) spit with her brother and still have time to lead the Rebellion, and look pretty damned hot doing it.

21. Peripheral Aliens

The Correctness would like to give a big shout out to: Jawas, Sandpeople, Snaggletooth, Walrus Man, The Cantina Band, Bib Fortuna, Weequay, Rodians, Transdoshians, Hammerhead, Gammoreans, Nikto, Yak Face, Ree Yees, Sy Snoodles, Max Rebo, Lobot (WTF?) Ugnaughts and anyone else we may have forgotten for “Filling in the corners” of every frame and adding even more color to an already pretty colorful universe.

22. The Toys

The Correctness has very fond memories of opening up that Christmas or birthday present, revealing the Kenner Star Wars Logo after the first rip, and then tearing away at the rest of it like a deranged badger until we found out what we were about to add to our collection. We have less fond memories of giving all that stuff away to various young relatives only to have become insanely valuable later on. Doh.

Correctness survey question: Did you own the big expensive multi level Death Star Playset,

or the somewhat less expensive rounded cardboard dealie?

23. “No…I am your Father!!!”

Before it became a punchline this was the biggest mindfuck there ever was. This was long before the internet and spoilers, so it was the subject of SERIOUS playground debate for three years. Was he lying? The “That’s not true, that’s impossible!” faction said yes, but the “Search your Feelings” faction knew otherwise. An audible exhalation of bated breath was heard in the theatres world wide in 1983 after the words “Your father he is”.

24. Nien Nunb

That’s right, The Correctness is down with The Nunb, bitches. You might say that we are “Comfortably Nunb”. If fact, we think he is the THIRD Rebel super spy, and he is one of the few beings in the Galaxy who can pull off the whole 1920′s aviator cap thing.He could also kick Chuck Norris’ ass in a fight. Pure speculation on our part, perhaps, but we stand by it.

25. Luke Skywalker

Okay, he’s kinda whiney, but the dude is an ICON. He blew up the Death Star, rescued Princess Leia, redeemed his father, and you have to admit, he was pretty bad ass while rescuing Han from Jabba’s palace. Plus Mark Hamill went on to do a kick ass Joker. So the Correctness salutes you, Luke for being our wide eyed guide through the Universe we love so much. Tell you what, take the rest of the afternoon off, head on down to Toshi station and pick up a set of power converters on us. You deserve it, buddy.

So there it is…our Gushing Love Letter to Star Wars. We loved it then, we love it now. We make sure our kids love it, and annoy our wives and girlfriends with it. Did we miss something? Forget your favorite? Neglect to hold you like we did by the lake on Naboo? Let your outrage spill forth in the comment section.

(The Following was taken off of Superman’s Facebook Page)

Alright, you guys…Geez you are like Doomsday, you’re relentless. Here we go…(Up up and away?)

1. It actually takes me a bound and a half to two bounds to leap a tall building

2. You don’t need super hearing to know that Lois snores like crazy.

3. I’m actually Jewish, but the circumcision proved to be impossible

4. I am aware of how gay my outfit is, thank you very much.

5. I feel sorry for any kid who went through puberty without X-ray vision

6. I am, in fact, faster than the Flash. I let him win. I mean, Jesus, it’s all he’s got, I’m not going to take THAT away from him.

7. Kryptonite is not only my weakness, it also really pisses me off.

8. Every time I’m rescuing someone who complains about how some disaster destroyed their home, I’m secretly thinking “Oh BOO HOO, my whole planet blew up!!!” but I never say it.

9. At a Justice League party, Wonder Woman got drunk and confessed to me that she can fly, she just does it in a seated position to fool people into thinking she has an invisible jet plane. For some reason, she finds that very funny.

10. To “Spice things up” in the bedroom, I once surprised Lois by dressing my penis up as Lex Luthor. To this day , when she’s in the mood, she still asks me if I’d like to see “Luthor’s hideout”

11. I really wish people would stop e-mailing me that lame ass Five for Fighting song

12. Every time someone ironically calls someone else “Braniac” I immediately look over my shoulder, just in case.

13. Even I didn’t like Superman IV…and unlike most people I actually liked Superman III…That Richard Pryor cracks me up!!

14. I have saved the world 63,283,774 times. And I have the scrapbooks to prove it.

15. I went as Batman for Halloween this year.

16. If I had to do it over again, I’d pick a better name than Superman

17. “Man and Superman” is not a play about me, but I still recommend it

18. My body is immune to harm, so I eat everything deep fried. I’m serious. EVERYTHING.

19.I furnished the Fortress of Solitude entirely with Ikea furniture. It looks great! (Took me forever to put it together though)

20. Most of my power comes from the sun…I wish the rest of America would follow suit.

21. Green Lantern made a pass at me once

22. There is nothing but John Williams on my Ipod

23. My most embarrassing moment: A bad gas attack caused a hurricane when I was flying over the Doninican Republic one time.

24. I once flew backwards around the planet and reversed time because I missed the first 5 minutes of “The Office” I have GOT to get a tivo

25. My real name is Clark Ken…OH SHIT!!!

IN THE BEGINNING, there was The Eighties. And the Eighties were wrong in the eyes of The Lord, and the sinners who worked at American Apparel had been born in the 90′s, and they knew not how wrong they were to dress that way. And they knew not that pulp-porn imagery is creepy, and they knew not of how to work at a real job. The Lord looked upon American Apparel, and he frowned.

1. Yea, and the sky will crack, and fire will rain down, and those wearing retro non-prescription glasses frames from the eighties will be blinded immediately, and they will run in the streets and bleed from their anuses. For Vanity shall be the sin which ends the world. “Glasses are for seeing, not for fashion” sayeth The Lord, and The Lord shall say “Enough with the glasses, especially if you don’t need them. How about I give you all a bleeding anus disease?”. And so it shall be.

2. And the number of the beast shall be $14.99, and the v neck t-shirts will dive so low as to be purposeless to protect their chests from the horrible radiation. And those without the trust in the lord will bake doubly fast in their shiny stretch pants for they are reflective and increase the heat.

3. And there will be a plague of locusts. And the manager will give you a sour look, and point at a section where an item of clothing might be found instead of walking you over there to show you where to find said item, yea, though it is an item you wish to purchase. And the Lord shall say “Hey, nobody is hip enough to avoid customer service. My son died on a crucifix for your sins, what was so hard for you today that you can’t crack a smile? Your Mika remix CD is scratched?”. And the manager shall be slain for poor role modeling and douchebaggery.

4. And The Beast shall come in many forms. And he will be wearing a totally shapeless cotton dress. And The Beast shall look fat no matter how many belts The Beast may choose to wear. Even thought The Beast is normal sized, The Beast will totally look really fat, for realsies. And The Beast shall give you the worst service of all, because the beast has self esteem issues because the beast is surrounded by hipsters.

5. And the self esteem issues of The Beast shall be caused by the hipsters surrounding them, for they know not what power they wield over The Beast. And they shall say unto her, with their retarded bow ties askew, “Hey Bethany, I totally like that shapeless dress on you, but Brittany totally pulls it off better and she is wearing it today”.

6. And the Beast shall get all pissy, and yea, tho it offendeth the Lord, ALL the employees shall be pissy, and they will all be sexually promiscuous because they are surrounded by pornographic ad campaigns which depict young unhappy women looking like they are just wondering when the photographer is going to rape them.

7. And the ad campaigns will cause confusion amongst the men, who wonder if they are horny for skinny teens in shapeless cotton sacks, like some kind of weird morgue fantasy with people wearing body bags.

8. And the mannequins for the leggings will be a row of sticking-out asses like an implausible train-to-be-a-stripper class, and the misogynistic wrongness of the mannequins will raise the eyebrows of even the most insensitive of males. And the males shall start to feel uncomfortable, surrounded by the weird child porn and sexually more-than-suggestive mannequins, and The Lord shall say “Fear not, for I think that’s all a bit too far as well, and it gives me the creepies also”.

9. And The Lord will smite American Apparel, and he shall really smite it up. He will smite it like it’s never been smitten before. He will smite the fuck out of every last pair of assless pantyhose, and he might smite H&M a bit too, even if their stuff fits him.

So sayeth the book of Retail Rvelations

Talk about your comeback tours. Even the Stones or Kiss would have trouble after a millennium, but Jesus is back, in a big way. He’s been called the Son of God, (No, not Clapton, the actual one) Messiah, Saviour, Lord and Judge, he’s had his share of tough times (Crucifixion, anyone?) but you wouldn’t know it to look at him today. He’s a pre-electric Dylan in a post Led Zeppelin world, but sitting on the outdoor patio of Benny’s Cafe in L.A., dressed in chinos and a white t shirt, his Birkenstock s tucked neatly under his chair, he seems relaxed, friendly even. Not the man you would expect after two thousand years in the spotlight. His arm sports a tattoo that says Mary and if he knows which one its for he’s not telling. His hair is long, but drawn back into a ponytail, and there are visible scars on his hands as he sips his beverage, and scans the menu for anything kosher. My job was to hopefully get into some of the invisible scars.

Jesus, thanks for talking to us. I know you dont like to give interviews.

Well, its not like I don’t like interviews; its just that I get misquoted a lot. You know if Barack Obama gets misquoted, there’s a press conference, maybe someone gets sued. When I get misquoted, Crusades happen. It’s freaky sometimes. Even the Apostles would do it. I’d be halfway through a statement and four of them would run off to write it down and see who could get it in their gospel first. And they’d hardly ever get it right anyway.

So, the gospels are wrong?

Wrong? No, I wouldn’t say that, just certain details. Semantics really. For instance did you know that I NEVER said “My God My God why have you forsaken me”?

Really?

No what I said was “My God, My God, why are there four stakes in me.”

He pauses reflectively for a moment then flags down a waitress. He kindly explains to her that he ordered a double espresso, not a latte. “Take this cup away from me.” He says with an impish grin. She, not recognizing him doesn’t get the joke. Jesus is such a cool guy he blesses her anyway.

Jesus, a lot of our readers have a lot of very important questions they’d like answered

Well, Ill do my best.

For instance, how do you feel about Ouija boards, are they, like totally evil or what?

I’ll level with you; anything with the word Board in it makes me a tad nervous these days. Ironic considering how I used to make my living.

Do you still keep in touch with The Apostles after the break up?

Absolutely. Just because we don’t tour together anymore, doesn’t mean were not close. Well, most of us anyway.

No chance of ever touring with Judas again?

None.

Solo tour?

I have a few places lined up. Getting sponsors has proved difficult; I’m pretty picky about that. All the big money is in sin these days. Paul has just finished cutting his Road to Damascus C.D. I’m thinking Ill have him open for me.

St. Paul?

No, McCartney.

So you don’t hold a Bigger than Jesus grudge?

No, not at all. I ribbed John a little when he was at the Gates, but that was it. I told him Dad punished him by making him fall in love with Yoko. We busted out a tape measure, turns out he actually does have a couple of inches on me. We all had a good laugh about it.

Is the Pope mad that he’s not opening for you?

He was disappointed, but I think he understands. The Pope plays only to a select group, and this tour should be for all the fans. I gave him the keys to the kingdom, what more does he want? Plus, dude looks like the Emperor from Star wars he creeps me out, if I can be honest with you.

Jesus the New Testament broke all the rules, and was a landmark piece of work. The Old Testament was a rock hard acid riff on vengeance, with a gutsy blues style bemoaning fate at the hands of enemies and a vengeful God. Tracks like The Book of Job betray a like it or lump it attitude, much like the early days of the Who. Then you come along and make a gentle pop folk sound, too serious to be bubblegum, too hot to be serious. Old Testament Unplugged if you will

Uhhhh sure. Is there a question in there somewhere?

To what extent did the old sound influence you, and why the change in direction?

Well, obviously people like Moses and Abraham are a huge influence, but ultimately an artist has to break free of their roots and grow in a different direction This reminds me of a parable, actually

Sorry to interrupt, but my editor asked me to make sure I use the word Fuck at some point in the interview. Lets people know were hip. Do you mind?

Oh okay, whatever.

You’ve suffered a very public arrest, trial and execution, and you’ve still managed to remain positive, how the fuck do you do it?

My, what a hip question. The trick is not to take it personally. The Romans were a highly litigious people; you could get arrested for looking the wrong way half the time. As for my reputation, well, I still get the odd joker making comments. “Hey Jesus, wanna borrow my cross trainers” or “Jesus loves you THIS much” with the arms stretched out. It can be a pain sometimes, but you get used to it. All the stories you heard are true, by the way, very few things on this earth suck as much as crucifixion.

How does a high profile dude like you relax? What do you do on the weekends?

Exchanging parables with close friends, maybe some light healing or go for a walk on a nearby lake. If Im feeling rowdy, I like to go kick some moneychanger ass!

Rock on! Are you a fan of our little magazine?

No, I’m not into alternative press. I read the Watchtower. Ha ha ha ha ha! No, I’m only kidding. That’s like the ecclesiastical Enquirer. Actually I’m in the middle of reading the Koran. I like to get other perspectives.

Any leads on the Antichrist yet?

We have a short list, were narrowing it down. Im not supposed to say whom, but its between a certain teenage pop star , and a certain member of the British Royal family. Oh, yes, and Anne Coulter

My money was on Paris Hilton.

We are still looking at Paris, now that you mention it.

So whats in the Son of God’s C.D. collection?

The Carpenters. The Beatles. (All you need is love, after all) Oh, and some Motorhead. One can only listen to so much Amy Grant before it becomes irritating.

Jesus, our readers, and the world want to know. What is your stance on abortion? Euthanasia? Homosexuality? And what is the Meaning of Life?

I’m so glad you asked me that. I think Id finally like to clear the air on this one. I feel, overwhelmingly that the (Cont. on page 181)

Here it is folks, the Brackets with a little preview of what’s coming up. Here’s who’s on deck in the coming weeks.

1. Daredevil vs. Flash WINNER: The Flash
2. Spiderman vs. Green LanternWINNER: Spider-Man
3. Iron Man vs. Superman
4. Batman vs. Rorschach
5. Hulk vs. Hellboy
6. Wolverine vs. Aquaman
7. Kitty Pryde vs. Robin(One of us has an Ellen Page Fetish and was rather insistent. I’m not pointing any fingers, I would just like Robbie Rob Town to rent “Hard Candy” as a cautionary tale)
8. Captain America vs. Wonder Woman

Place your bets, pick a favorite, and get ready to whine in the comments section…The Superhero Smakdown of ’09 has begun

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome

Green Lantern vs. Spider-Man

Rob: Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time.  How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

Second of all, willpower isn’t much of a power. I mean, Hal Jordan, Susan Powter, you guys tell me the difference. One can make green hammers with his ring, and the other is a motivational fitness expert from the early nineties. Same same.

Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.

While I’m on the subject, i would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Anyways, Spidey takes this fight, no sweat.

Dave: Well, Rob should clearly be reading more comics, as he hasn’t discovered that Marvel has been terrible for about a decade now. But, I digress.

On the surface, this would seem to be an unfair match, with Green Lantern wielding the power of the central battery on OA. Hal Jordan was able to overcome death, as well as being the spirit of vengeance, and return to our world. He can create anything his mind can conceive, though apparently his mind only thinks of stuff that is green.

On the Con side: In All Star Batman and Robin, Hal Jordan was almost killed by a combination of a can of paint and a 12 year old. Also, Green Lantern depends on a rechargeable ring for his power, and as anyone who owns anything that needs charging will testify, they have a habit of crapping out on you when you need them both.

Spider-Man has many things going for him in this fight. He has Spidey-Sense, which warns him of impending danger, and allows him to react, and escape from danger. Add to this the whole strength and agility part, and he’s pretty freaking deadly. He tends to hold back in combat, and is capable of going toe-to-toe with the Hulk. With his quick wits and ability to adapt and outlast his opponents, he could easily keep Green Lantern occupied long enough to exhaust his power ring, while cracking wise the entire time.

So, while this fight is much closer than last weeks battle, I would give this fight to the Spectacular Spider-Man.

Tony: It comes down to the following questions:

1. Is Spidey smart enough to go get himself  a yellow suit?

2.Is he capable of getting the ring off of Hal?

3. Did Spider-man 3 suck ass, or what?

The answer to all three questions is yes. But this is no walk over. The Green Lanterns most devastating attack  has always been the power of green vagueness.  Which, for comic book writers, means he’s capable of just about anything, up to and including hitting on Superman at the JLA Christmas party. However, whatever Hal throws at him, Spidey knows it’s coming before it happens and gets out of the way. Eventually Spidey will realize , through a series of thought balloons that go on for far too long, that he needs to separate man from ring,and after some difficulty will probably manage to do so.

SPIDEY: Got to get that ring off of him….

GL: Keep still, you little fuck!

(One complicated plan involving the color yellow, some webbing and a distraction later)

GL: Gimme my ring back!!!

SPIDEY: Not until you teach me to harness it’s power to erase Spider-Man 3 from existence

GL: Fair enough

Definitely a win in the Spidey column

The winner, once again by unanimous decision…Spider-Man!

That’s one for DC, one for Marvel for those keeping count. We are adjusting our brackets slightly, but there should be some swell visuals to follow this  some tome today. In the meantime feel free to disagree, in a cordial fashion below. Or just ready your arguments for next week, as the Man of Iron faces the Man of Steel! Supes takes on Iron Man right here next week, so stay tuned.